04x12 - Temporary Blindness

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Coach, I didn't
even know you
wore glasses.

I don't, but I
should've been
for the last ten years.

I can't see anything.
Really?

I can see you, but you're
just a ball of blur.

Right.
Orange and blue.
Just colors.

It's beautiful.
Yeah.

Where are you?
I'm over here, coach.

I hear your nasally voice,
which is so annoying,
so I know it's you.

Mm hmm.
I use my ears. That's
how I've gotten by.

My sense of hearing
is elevated.
Right.

Sometimes when one
of your senses fail,
like my eyes,

your other senses take
over. Like Lou Ferrigno.
Or Helen Keller.

But, coach, you're gonna
let people point laser beams
in your eyes?

Why not just get glasses?
Glasses are for dorks,
Brendon, period.

No offense to the baby.

Although babies with glasses
are even worse.

They're like super-dorks.

You're gonna let somebody
cut open your cornea.

It's a one-time thing,
Brendon, then I'm done.

Then I see perfect
for the rest of my
beautiful life.

And this is a one-time
offer, today only,
$115 for an eye.

$115 an eye? Is this guy
even licensed?

Do you work for
the C.I.A., Brendon?
Mind your own business.

I want to see clearly.
I'm sick of being blind.

What about contacts?
You wear contacts.

You wear contacts.
No, you do it.

You do it.
I can't read this. Paula,
fill it out for me?

John, how long is this
actually gonna take?

I don't know, Paula.
I'm not a surgeon.

I got some stuff to do.
I'm sorry.

I'm just saying I wish
you didn't spring it on me
right after soccer practice.

Paula, I wish you
wouldn't complain to me
before I get surgery.

I'm the one going
under the knife
in about two minutes.

What should I put here
for your Social
Security number?

I don't know. Just
make up a couple numbers.

Closest family number
in case of emergency?

I know I have an uncle.
Perfect. I'll put uncle.

Just put my uncle.
I'll put that
in quotes, actually.

Okay. Number two.

So this is safe, right?
Oh, yeah, absolutely safe.

Yeah. You wear glasses, huh?
Yeah.

I'd think that you'd have
the surgery. I mean,
you perform laser surgery.

Oh, no. No. I don't
do lasers or needles.

What are these, doctor?

Oh, sometimes... You know,
you have to stay still.

Uh... Okay.

You sit here, watch this,
and I better go eat something
or I'm gonna pass out.

How long before
the drugs kick in, doc?

I don't know. For me
it's pretty quick.

But if you don't feel
anything in a few minutes,
grab a few more.

Great. How many can I take?

I generally go by whatever
can fit in your fist.

I also brought my own, so...
Oh, what do you have?

I have Percodan.
Okay.

And Percocet.
Mm hm.

And alcohol.
Just watch the video.

Hello, customers. If you're watching
this, you may or may not be a candidate

for laser eyeball surgeries.
How do you do? My name is
Pingpong Von Laserstein.

Today we're going
to talk about your eyes.

Eyes?
Vat's that?

Hello, Toocool.
I did not see
you come in.

Sorry to sneak
up on you,
Pingpong.

But what is "eyes"?

Well, you know what laser
eye surgery is, right?
Uh huh.

The eyes is what laser
topographical reshaping takes
place upon.

Oh! You mean,
like eyeballs.
Exactly, Toocool.

Now I understand it,
but let's talk more

about the laser
topographical
whatchamacallit.

Topographical Eyeball Corneal
Laser Reshaping.
Here's what we do.

First, we give you some
sleepy-time feelgood pills.

Then we put you on the table
and tape down your head so you
don't wiggle giggle sniggle.

Then we prop
open your eyes.
You mean, eyeballs.

Right, Pingpong?
That's right, Toocool.

And we cut open
your cornea.
Whoopee!

That sounds like fun.

And then what, Pingpong?
Laser time!

Wowwee!
Hey, you feel like gettin'
a headstart on your homework?

Do you feel like getting
a headstart on my homework?

Come on. What do you got?
Oh, well.

We're supposed to be
doing these family trees.

Boring, stupid, crappy
family shrubbery.

Family trees?
Yeah.

That'd be fun. Kinda neat
to see who we're related to.

Here's what I like.
I like that you're

getting excited about
doing this for me.

What if we're related
to someone really famous?

Like, I don't know,
like Neil Diamond?

That would be interesting.

When we go home, we'll
go online and we'll
find one of those websites

that helps you find out
your lineage.
All right.

Have I ever told you where
babies come from, Brendon?

Yes. Every day.
Good.

And then you can see real good.

Right?
That's right, Toocool.

And then you put in
the magical eyedrops.

Whoopee!
That will help
with Mr. Stingee.

Heh heh heh heh.
I hate Mr. Stingee,
Pingpong.

Heh heh hah hah hah.
Hey, drugs working yet?

h* hah hah hah.
Oh, I'd say that's a yes.

Hey, Pingpong and Toocool.

I hate
Mr. Stingee, too.

I'd like to k*ll
the son of a b*tch.

Okay. Hold still.

Doctor, I love
Pingpong and Toocool.
Mm hm.

That was funny.
Okay.

Play it again.
Okay.

You'll feel
a slight pressure
in the eyes.

Okay, that's me
cutting into them.

Awe... some.

Now see, I burned your cheek.

You have to sit still.

Is that a laser?
Yes.

And you hit
my cheek?
Well, you moved.

Oh.

I smell burning eye.

Is that a
problem?
Nope.

Doctor, it was a pleasure.

Oh!
You're a good man.

Thank you.
Good stock.

Okay...
Give me another hug.

All right.
One more... okay.
Come on.

Brendon, go start the car.

All right, doctor.
You did your job.
Okay.

I will give you
some money.
John?

There we go.

There's your
money. Thanks
for the surgery.

Y-you're
welcome.
Idiot.

I can't see.

Whoa.
Well, he should
be fine.

Um, just take him home
and check on him
every couple of hours.

Home? To his house.
He's gonna need
some attention

for the next
couple of days.
He-he's not ours, actually.

Oh, he can't be alone.
Can you give him to
somebody else?

Does anybody owe you
a favor?
Come on, Mom. Let him stay.

He shouldn't be by himself.

Yeah, Mom.
Slumber party!

♪ Timmy was a boy and ♪

♪ Timmy was his name ♪

♪ His parents were never
around to watch him play ♪

♪ And he lived a life
of perpetual boredom ♪

♪ Timmy ♪

♪ Timmy ♪

♪ Timmy ♪

♪ Timmy Timmy Timmy Timmy ♪

♪ Sittin' on a cloud
on a rainy day ♪

♪ Throttled with boredom
Timmy's brain slipped away ♪

♪ And he lost his vision
peripherally ♪

♪ And a devil to lisp
and stopped smelling things ♪

♪ Senses are tempted
His senses are gone ♪

♪ Kinda ♪

♪ How can we save
this little boy ♪

♪ How can we save
this little boy ♪

♪ Timmy ♪

I can't believe
we have to do this
stupid family tree.

Yeah.
What do you do?

Family stuff's personal.
I thought you don't have
to talk about family in school.

Isn't there something like
family and school should be
separate?

What kind of stupid assignment
is that? Am I right?

That's church and state.

Oh.
Not family and school.

My mom's doing mine,
so, you know...

My parents are in Tunisia
so I can't do it. 'Cause
I can't contact them.

They didn't leave
you a number
to get in touch?

I faxed their hotel.
Hopefully they'll fax me
back my family tree.

Wake up, Mr. Sleepypants.

Paging Dr. Sleepingbird.

Hello, good morning...

Do not approach me,
Brendan, when I'm sleeping.
Ow.

That's how you get hurt.
That... is how you get hurt.

Don't you want to take off
the bandages, see what
your new vision is like?

Mm... yeah.

Paula. Take
a look.

Are there any more
bandages here?
No, you're all clear, John.

My eyes are
open now, right?
Yeah.

Yeah, hi.
Hi. I'm blind.

Very funny.
Very funny.

I'm not kidding.
I can't see.
Very funny.

Seriously?

Doctor, I can't see.
I-I understand.

When do I get my eyesight
back? I want it back! You
said it was coming back!

It is. What time
do you have there?

What do you mean, "there"?
What time zone are you in?

Never mind.
What are you talking about!

It's gonna come back.

I want it back now!
You said it was coming back!

Hold on. Yes, Mr. Sullivan,
I'll be right there. Look...

Why are you whispering?

Because I have people here.

Where are you?
I'm at my other job.

What other job?
I have to go!

I thought you were
an eye doctor!

I am! Don't ever
call me at this
number again.

Wait. Wait.

Oh my god!

How am I gonna
get to work?
I gotta get to work.

I can't see... aahh!

Coach?
Brendan. Don't drink
the chocolate milk.

It's gone... bad.

Hey guys, I've traced back
the lineage of Peepopo, my
ferret.

His family's been through
quite a lot.

Really? How do you
know all that?

Uh, contacted the ferret
breeder. He has detailed
records.

Wow.
Did you know that Peepopo
is from the Ukraine?

No.
Yeah, but his family came
over on the slow boat.

Really? Why'd
they do that?
Uh, to escape communism.

And they settled in
St. Louis in the '40s.
Wow.

Anyway, Peepopo had more
brothers and sisters,

but they were put away because
they carried the Ebola virus.

Wow.
Which wiped out St. Louis
in the '60s.

- If our families are only as interesting.
- Yeah.

Well, I mean, your
families are, you know...
not ferrets.

He's got a point
Guess you're right.

I can't get anything out
of my dad. Every time I ask

him about my mother's side
he starts acting all weird.

What do you mean?
He starts laughing and crying
and laughing and crying...

He just wants attention.
Why not just call
her yourself?

- Yeah.
- Okay. I'll do that.

You know something, Melissa?
Nobody's gonna know
your family history.

Just make up the whole thing.

Yeah, who cares
about family trees,
anyway?

- It's Wednesday.
- Chocolate Milk Day!

What the hell?
This is horrible!

Please don't drink
the chocolate milk.

It's gone bad. I repeat,
the chocolate milk has
gone bad.

Guys. This is
so weird.

♪♪

Uh.
Coach! You're psychic!

You are psychic, did you
know that?

Of course you do,
you're psychic.

I'm telling a psychic
he's psychic...

It's because you went blind.
Yeah.

Right, Brendan told
us about the whole
chocolate milk thing

and you predicted it...
It happened, Coach!
It happened!

It happened!
Right. You're
like a wizard.

Coach, this is amazing.
Listen, we have
a lot to do.

First, we need to use
your powers
to fight crime.

Definitely.
Duh. You know?

What'm I gonna do
when I grow up?
Who'm I gonna marry?

Where will I live?
Am I gonna be
a famous composer?

Composer? Really?
Yeah.

I play recorder.
When's our next pop quiz?

Uh...
Coach, can you give us
the answers to the homework?

What is the number of
the hotel in Tunisia where
my parents are staying?

Coach?
And where is Tunisia?

I think he's asleep
with his eyes open.

♪ Timmy ♪

♪ Everyone knows of you ♪

♪ No one takes the liberty ♪

♪ Everybody look for doctors
to help Timmy ♪

♪ No one knew what to do ♪

♪ They tried Doctor Robot ♪

I am a robotic doctor,
my friend.

And I'd like a taste
of your vein.

If I make you a robot
like me, which you
practically are,

then they'll put my picture
on the very front page.

♪ Timmy ran away
Timmy ran away ♪

♪ Timmy ran away
Timmy ran away ♪

Run away, Timmy, until you
can't run anymore!

Yippee! Yay!

This is the best day
of our life.

What are you guys doing here?

We're gonna be millionaires!

We just found out.
Coach McGuirk just
told us our fortunes.

Wait. What, he did?

Yeah, and it only cost us $20.

Everybody heard you guys
talking about him going
blind and becoming psychic.

He's charging you to
hear your fortune?

Yeah. You better do it quick.
The line is getting long.

Yay!
Yippee!

Brendon? Loan me $20.

How's my husband?
I see a mustache.

Yes.
Did he have a mustache?

He did.
And boots. He was
a working man.

He did work.
Yeah.

I see water.
Is there water?

He was afraid of water.

Right. Yes. And he
die... He's dead, right?
Yes.

He passed on.
He loves you very much.

He does?
Yes.

Will you give him
a message for me?
Sure. What is it?

I found another man.
Oh, that's nice.

Twenty bucks, please.
Thank you.

You're a great man.
All right, get out. Next!

I think my partner's
embezzling from me.
Am I right?

Yeah, I guess so.
That's 20 bucks. Next.

How can I catch this guy?
Keep the line moving. Next?

Hi.
How will I die?
Can you foresee that?

Yes. Come here, let
me touch your head.

You're gonna die peacefully
in your sleep.

Oh.
Yeah, it's gonna be nice.

Unfortunately, it's
gonna be soon.
Oh.

Twenty bucks. Next!

Okay. This guy's
still alive and he's our
second or third uncle.

And he's out of prison now.

Well, that's good.
At least he's out.

Instead of tarnishing
the family name.

Yeah, but he's
technically
on probation.

Good to know we come
from good stock.

Yes, it is.
Most of them seem
to be carnies.

Or on the lam.
I feel like not including
them in the family tree.

I wouldn't object.
So what do we got?

You, me, your father,
stepmother, grandparents
and sister.

My sister. What do we
really know about her?

She hasn't been to prison yet.

We don't really
know that, do we?

There were two days
where I lost her.
Yes.

Brendon? Outside.
What?

Big drama outside pronto.

I can't make the tree work.

I don't know what to put down.

Somebody doesn't have
a good family.

I know, okay? That's
the problem.

I don't know what to put down.

Just calm down.
It's okay.
I can't calm down.

Look at all these branches.
They're blank.

I don't know what
they expect with
this stupid project.

It's just... It's just
an assignment, Melissa.
It's no big deal.

What happened to making
the whole thing up?
What happened to that idea?

She tried, Brendon,
but her made-up family
wasn't believable.

Melissa, you put down
Cinderella as your mother and
the Lion King as your father.

Mm hmm.
Jason, get some paper
and an Entertainment Weekly.

Let's do this right.
What am I, your intern?

Just do it, Jason.
Sorry.

You sleeping in my bed now?

I'm blind. I have
no idea where I am.

Looks like you made
a lot of money today.

Yeah. Turns out psychics
make a lot of money.

Let me ask you something.
How do you see the visions?

Does it come to you
in a metaphor? Does it
come in a weird acronym?

Basically, it's fairly
easy. I make 'em up.

You make it up?
Well, people will
believe anything.

Wait. I know you're
psychic. You predicted
the chocolate milk.

No, I just told you about it.

The lunch lady told me
to put away the milk.

I forgot, left it in
the sun. It went bad.
I told you about it.

Wait, so you're
not even psychic?

Course not. You insane?

But I told everybody you were.
This is embarrassing.

It's not embarrassing.
I'm making money.

And keep your mouth shut
because I'm doing
a big seance,

which means more money,
and don't need
you wrecking it.

I can't even look
at you right now.

Hey, gimme that. What
the hell is this? You're
reading a magazine?

Yeah, I like magazines.
You're supposed to be blind!

Shh!
That's absolutely despicable.
You make me sick.

Coach, when'd you get
your sight back?

It's immaterial, Brendon.
When did you get
your sight back?

I was blind for a little while.

Were you blind when we
took off your bandages?
Uh, yes.

Were you blind when you
broke my fish tank?
No.

Okay. Were you blind when you
peed all over the hallway?

No.
Were you drunk?

Yes.
Now we're getting somewhere.

Can I pinpoint a time
that I have not been
blind and drunk?

Mm hmm.
No.

Well, how's your vision now?
It's pretty great.

Let me tell you something.

I'm not gonna tell about you
being a fraud, but I want 50%
of everything you made today

and everything you're
gonna make at the seance.
Whoa, Brendon.

Yes, 50%.
What happened to
the holier-than-thou,

I was doing the wrong thing
attitude from a minute ago?

Now you want my money.
Couple minutes ago I didn't
know you were a fraud.

I see. I like your style.
You're a liar and a cheat.

That's cool. I'll
give you 10%.
Five.

Okay. You just went
down, by the way.
What?

You just went down.
I did?

I offered you ten.
You said five.

I meant to say... 20?
Probably.

Ladies and gentlemen,

before we bring out
the psychic, we ask that...

Please keep your table
talk down to a minimum.

And turn off all
cell phones and pagers.

And now... we give you...
the blind prophet!

I feel that I'm being pulled
in this direction.

Did someone over here
lose a loved one?

Hmm? How 'bout
over here?

I'm getting a strong
feeling from... here?

Here.

Say between here
and here. Anyone?

Between this hand
and this hand, going
all the way back.

No. So you mean to tell me
that in this room
full of people, no one...

You don't know anyone
who's died?

No one. Nothing.

Look. It is statistically
impossible that no one here

knows someone who died.

All right. Who wants me
to channel some dead
celebrities? How 'bout that?

Ooh.
That'd be fun, huh?
All right, here we go.

Mmm. I'm Ji... I,
uh, I'm Jimmy Stewart.

I miss you. I miss doing
movies. I gotta go.

Hey, pilgrim.
What're you doin'?

I miss doin' movies
and I'm John Wayne.

Ask not what your country
can do for you.

Ask what you can do
for your country.

That's some wacky, wild stuff.
I'm Johnny Carson.

I'm Zeus, God of lightning
and thunder.

I'm Jimmy Cagney.
Be good to yourselves,
you dirty rats.

It's all right.
It's all right.

It's all right.
It's all right.

Now, does anyone have
a question for...

King Arthur of the Round Table?

How about you over there
in the blue?

Hey, Mr. McGuirk,
I thought you were
supposed to be blind.

I am. I'm blind.
I thought you were
King Arthur.

I am King Arthur.
How come you answered when
I called you McGuirk?

Because I thought you
said King Arthur.

This guy's a phony.
I want my money back.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Boo.

Hold on, everybody.
Hold on. Just relax.

I can explain this whole thing.

Let me just make my way...
to this door.

Because there is something
outside this door

that will explain everything.

Okay? See you later.

I have something to tell
you guys about Peepopo
my ferret's family tree.

Yeah?
It's crap.

You know what else? Peepopo
escaped a year ago.

I don't know that I had
a ferret in the first place.

I think he was imaginary.
Then how could he...

I don't think there even is
such a thing as ferrets.

All right.
Sorry.

- It's okay, Jason.
- Yeah, it's all right.

We didn't really believe
you anyway.
Here's the weird part.

Jason's imaginary ferret had
a bigger family than ours.
Look at this. Right, Mom?

Yeah, but that's not bad.
Having a small family's
a good thing, Brendon.

We don't have to send out
a lot of Christmas cards.

I guess so.
I like our intimate
little group.

What are you going
to put for Josie?

Well, you know,
she's adopted.
Mm hmm.

Her parents wanted
to remain anonymous,
so what do you do?

Yeah, but... We have suspicions.

Don h* and Eartha Kitt.
How can it not be?
Look at her.

Like Don h* and Eartha Kitt.

Who'd you end up deciding on
for parents, Melissa?

Hi, everyone, and welcome
to my family tree.

My life is great. As you can
see here, my mother is the
beautiful princess Cinderella.

You may know her from such
films as Cinderella.

She and my father met shortly
after he left the WWF

and just before being elected
the first independent governor
of Minnesota.

I have seven brothers. Their
names are Happy, Sleepy,

Dopey, Doc, Grumpy,
Lumpy and Stu.

And my uncle, Hulk Hogan,
comes over every week
to read me bedtime stories.

This is a reenactment
of Peepopo's cross
the Atlantic adventure

coming to the New World
to escape the Red Menace.

Welcome to Ellis Island.
What's your name?

Peepopowitz.
Well, in America you're
just Peepopo.

Where are you from?
Ukraine.

All right. Get in line
with the other ferrets.

Where are my bags?
I don't know.

Okay. I love America.

♪ Forever and for freedom ♪

♪ Oh Timmy ♪

♪ The children
in the railway ♪

♪ Live forever oh Timmy ♪

♪ Forever and for freedom
oh Timmy ♪