01x10 - Djinn, No Chaser

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

MAN [indistinctly over P.A.]:
Dr. Jackson...

[man humming tune]

[distant ambulance siren
wailing]

[man coughs]

[humming resumes]

[indistinct P.A. announcements
continue]

[man continues humming tune]

[sniffing and coughing]

[siren wailing in distance]

[humming continues]

Doctor, are you awake?

So, you want me to ventilate
my feelings, huh?

Open up, expose, share.

All right, all right.

I mean, I don't mean to sound
cranky, Doctor, uh...

What was that again?

Velman, that's right,
Dr. Velman.

Anyway, I don't mean to sound
like an ingrate.

I mean, my padded cell is
nothing if not comfortable.

And I mean, I strictly love it.

And being fed through a straw,
what's not to love?

It's just if I could have
my arms free, you know?

I'm kind of an
excitable kind of a guy,

and, uh, every now and then,
I like to gesture,

you know what I mean?

So, if I could just,
what do you...? No, huh?

Okay, well, this is good, too.

I mean, I can scratch my back

with both my hands
at the same time.

[laughs]

Anyway, where was I?

Wait a minute. Oh, yeah.

Well, we'd only been married
four days,

and it wasn't as if we were
exactly poor as church mice.

I mean, we hadn't missed
any meals.

Well, we just postponed a few.

I mean, there was the rent
and furniture shopping.

You see,
all we have is a waterbed

and some really nifty high-tech
orange crates.

Anyway, uh, we went shopping,
my wife and I.

My brand-new wife, Connie.

Very cute woman.

And that's when this very
peculiar thing happened, Doctor.

You see, we were in a very ratty
part of town,

and I said to Connie,
"Connie," I said...

Don't you think
we ought to go home?

It's getting kind of late,
huh, sweetie?

Oh, come on.
Be a good sport.

I'm being a good sport.

It's just kind
of late,

and I'm getting
a little hungry,

and I still can't
believe you want

to furnish our apartment
in early Turkish.

Well, it's not actually
Turkish, hon.

It's more Mesopotamian.

You know, teak
and silk.

Who ever heard
of Turkish period?

Daniel Squires,
lower your voice.

Just tell me
one thing, Connie.

Is Turkish-period something
we can afford?

Namely, free?

[gong crashes]

Wasn't that an empty lot
a few seconds ago?

Empty.
Weeds, garbage.

I suppose we've made
a visual error.

We were talking, we simply
didn't notice the tent.

The tent.

The word "unnatural"
comes to mind.

Nervously,
they approach
the tent.

Possibly not
the smartest move
we've ever made.

Not even the second-smartest
move we've ever made.

Look at this, hmm.

Curious, effendi?

There was an empty lot here
a minute ago, wasn't there?

I'm a merchant,
not a real estate agent.

The world's finest
artifacts and curios
at unbelievable prices.

She's just looking.

[gasps]

Oh, Danny, this is perfect.

What do you want
with that old thing?

For the end table.

It'll clean up.
Just a little elbow grease.

Personally, I prefer paste
of olive oil and camel dung.

How much?

Oh, five drops of olive oil
to three tablespoons camel dung.

For the lamp?

50 drachmae.
Oh, sorry.

Fresh out of drachmae.

Well, then, taking
into consideration
today's exchange rate

and the fall of the
Ottoman Empire...

[calculator beeping]

$30.

Then forget it.
Come on. We're history.

Noble sir...

you are a cunning shopper,
I can see that,

so I will cut
my own throat,

slash both my wrists,

and offer you this
magnificent antiquity
for $20.

Jesse James at least had
a horse.

$15!

And may all your children need
corrective lenses

from too much TV.

Five, and may a hundred thousand
gangrenous camels

lie down in your couscous!
Not bad.

Thanks.
Bloodsucker!

Heartless trafficker
in cheapness!

Graffiti on the
subway car of life.

$13! My last offer.

Seven, and may
a weighty object drop
from a great height,

Fl*ttening you
to the insignificant
thickness of your soul!

$11!
A pittance.

A veritable crime
against nature.

Six bucks.

Six?

That's it.

Give me a break.

A $20 loss I'll take.

Ten dollars, final.

Lets get out of here.

A steal,
blessed sire.

Would you like another
at the same price?

Come on.

You're testing my love,
are you darling?

Squires, you were
magnificent.

I think we got took.

[gong crashes]

Don't turn around.
We'll take a little walk,

throw the lamp in the garbage
and go home for a quiet dinner.

Sure, strange, peculiar,
we're talking odd here.

But it was a natural thought.

I mean, you would've thought it,
you would've thought it.

We'd have thought it.

Any terrifically rational
or solid person,

like Lawrence Welk
or Eleanor Roosevelt,

they'd have thought of it.

I mean, a lamp like that.

It was like a thing
in Aladdin's story.

Anyway, we thought it, and
Connie had this urge to rub it.

And I told her to have her head
checked for slow leaks.

I mean, I didn't want to rub it.

You know, it's like
that old story,

I don't believe in ghosts,

but I've been afraid of them
all my life, you know?

You don't know that story?

Anyway, we went to bed and
Connie left all the lights on.

Just her little bid
for attention. [chuckles]

Danny,
are you asleep?

Yes.

Then how come
you're answering me?

I was raised polite.

Danny, we have
to talk about it.

Not only do we
not have to,

I don't want to,
ain't going to.

So, shut up, so I
can go to sleep.

Danny, neither one
of us can sleep.

Maybe there's
something to this.

We've got to discuss it.

[humming]

Look, you've read
all those stories.

We've seen
all those movies.

When you rub a lamp,
a genie appears.

Fortunately,
I cannot hear

a syllable of
this craziness.

For God's sakes,
I was there today.

I saw that strange man come
and go like a big burp,

just like you.

I do not come and go
like a big burp.

Genie's grant wishes.

I could get my beach house.

You could get another
duck for your collection.

If I was listening
to you, I'd agree.

And then I would tell you

that with all my heart,
I love you.

And if I live to be
a thousand years old,

I'll never stop
loving you.

And then I would
tell you to buzz off

so I can go to sleep

so tomorrow I can
con myself into believing

that it never
happened the way that
I know it happened.

[waterbed sloshes]

Where are you going?

If there's a chance,
I just have to.

We need the money.

All right,
all right.

Let me get you a towel.

Who knows, maybe
we've got ourselves
a 24-carat genie.

DANNY:
It jumped!

I mean, not an Olympic
record breaker,

but it flipped, ka-plop,
like that.

Like it had a life of its own,

which it did have a life,
that is.

Anyway, the next thing we hear,
this booming voice come out.

I mean, it was so loud,
it was as loud as...

GENIE [voice echoing]:
Aha! Free at last!
Free after 10,000 years.

Free to speak and act.

My will to be known.
[laughing]

What's going on?!

[wind howling]

Oh, wait! Ow!

Knock off that noise!

Do you want us
to lose the lease?!

GENIE:
Certainly, offspring of a worm.
[laughing]

Knock it off!

This whisper?

This is silence next
to the hurricane I shall loose,

spawn of paramecium.
[laughing]

[ducks quacking]

My collection!
My marvelous mallards!

It was a duck rain!

[genie laughing maniacally]

We're gonna get
kicked out of the
only apartment

in New York we can afford
because of a loudmouth genie!

Did I say genie?

Are you really in there?

GENIE:
Where else would I be,
foul harridan?

Hey, you can't talk
to my wife that way.

Oh, he's a genie.

He can talk
any way he wants.

And your yelling
is gonna look pretty silly

if this guy turns out
to be half the size
of Rex Ingram.

Who?

The genie in
Thief of Baghdad,
1940 version.

I don't believe this!

We're sitting
in the rubble
of our apartment,

arguing with
a lighting fixture

and you want
to play Trivial Pursuit!

Hmph!

Now what?

Oh, now you're angry.
Good, good.

Oh, that's just terrific.

A 10,000-year-old genie
comes between us.

You're gonna let
a little thing

like a genie come
between us.

[wind howling]

[genie laughing maniacally]

Squires!

You know, we're gonna get thrown
right out of here.

I know.

DANNY [chuckles ruefully]:
She knows.

Please, genie,
will you tone it down?

GENIE:
Offspring of a million
foul odors, suffer! [laughing]

That was good, Connie.

You're no genie.

Then what do you think he is?

GENIE:
I am so, charnel house harlot!

Why say you nay?

A genie has a lot of power.

A genie doesn't have
to shout to be heard.

Ipso facto, you're a fraud.

Caution, trollop!

I'm not scared.

If you were as powerful
as you made out,

you'd tone it way down.

[softly]:
Is this better?

Are you convinced?

But can you keep it down?
That's the question.

Forever, if need be.

And uh,

can you grant wishes?

Naturally.

Really?

But not to you,
disgusting grub of humanity.

[loud laughter]

Let me be frank with you.

I was not enjoying any of this.

Hey, listen,

nobody, but nobody
talks to me that way.

After all, I am your master.

Ah, correction. There are
some djinn who are mastered

by their owners,
but I am not one of them.

A likely story.

What's a djinn?

A genie.

Exactly.

As I was saying, I cannot
do your bidding,

for I am not free
to leave this prison.

How come?

Alas, the sorcerer
who wedged me in here,

knew nothing
of molecular compression.

I know what you're thinking.

Why didn't I get the genie
out of the lamp?

They don't teach
that in college.

May the sweat
of a thousand monkeys

pollute your wretched veins.

All right, so it wasn't
your average situation.

How do you think I felt?

A guy living in a lamp...

Well, not exactly living.

I mean, according to him,

he didn't want to be there
in the first place.

It was cramped,
I don't blame him.

I mean, how many rooms
can you cram into a lamp?

And did he have a bathroom?

I mean, we're talking
a very primitive accommodation.

This guy was not in a good mood.

We got ourselves a lemon.

Were I free, if I could get out,

I might do your bidding.

But as I am now...
That's it.

I'm tossing you
into the incinerator.

Danny, don't do it.

Once you have bought
the lamp,

you cannot lose it, destroy it,
or give it away.

You know, this guy's
got a lot of brass.

I think he's lying.

Genie, give me
a lot of money.

That's a direct order.

[thunder crashing]
You're ticking him off.

[loud, sustained,
maniacal laughter]

[laughter continues]

It went on for a week.

A rain of frogs,
then came spiders, worms,

a dust storm in the clothes
closet, hailstones, lava.

Did you ever experience a
monsoon in a two-room apartment?

Do you know what lightning
in the bedroom

does to TV reception?

And slime,
there was a lot of slime.

I mean, this genie was heavy
into slime, cracked him up.

[rooster crowing]

[slime splattering]

[genie snoring]

[broom sweeping sounds]

[snoring grows louder]

Did you use this knife
to scrape fungus?

[spring clanking]
Ohh!

Oh, by the way, there's
snakes in the bathroom now.

It's no worse
than the decomposing dog.

That's not there anymore.

Well, that's something.
It's under the bed.

Not all of it.

I'm hungry.

Well, then, you'll have
to go to the market.

Oh, no, he gets really cranky
when I try to leave.

Well, you can't expect me to go.

I've got a house
to take care of.

I'm hungry, too.

All right, all right!

[animal roaring]
[screaming]

Tigers.

You know, I wasn't the one
who had to have the lousy lamp.

Okay, okay, Danny, please.

Now we can't afford to be
at each other's throats.

You've tried to leave
four times this week. I'll try.

Connie...
Fair is fair.

[birds chirping]

We'll both go.

[elephant trumpeting]

How did he get elephants
on the third floor?!

[genie laughing]

GENIE: And I'm just
getting warmed up.

I've gotta get away
from all of this.

You can divorce her.

As you say,
she wanted the lamp, not you.

I'd even let you
out of the apartment,

then you could go free.

No, no, she's
the first good thing

that ever really
happened in my life.

Thank you, Danny.

That helps... not much.

Uncle Luther,
how did you get in?

CONNIE:
Danny, there's
nobody there.

Uncle Luther, don't
pick me up by my ears.

Danny, look at me,
I'm the only one here.

Don't t*rture me
again, I hate you.

Oh, my God!
What?

It's my second-grade
teacher, Mrs. Watson!

Put the ruler down.
Don't hit me. Please!

Danny, Danny
you can't stay here.

You've got to go to someplace
where they can take care of you.

I'm not leaving, I love you.
Somewhere else,
somewhere peaceful.

Go in the bedroom
and pack, now. Please.

You won't hate me?
Of course not, I love you.

Even if I file for divorce?
Even.

[laughs]

[genie laughs]

GENIE:
I knew he'd see it my way.

[loud maniacal laughter]

Molecular compression, huh?

We'll just see about that.

GENIE:
Rub away, miserable harridan.

Better than you have tried
for 10,000 years. [laughs]

So I ran away.

All right, I can admit it,
Dr. Velman,

I left my darling new wife,

hardly with the gift wrapping
off of her--

I left her alone
in that apartment,

with that mean, rotten genie.

This woman is a saint.

We're talking about a person
who can bless animals.

Brave, loving, wonderful woman.

Mother of the children
I'll never have,

because of that thing
in the lamp.

She sent me off
to save my sanity,

to save my life,
and I deserted her.

I'm such a yuck!

All right, that's it.
What am I, chopped liver?

No. I'm the man
who loves his wife.

The most courageous woman
since Eleanor Roosevelt.

I know what you're thinking--

I have a thing
for Eleanor Roosevelt.

No way!

All right, Doc,
what do you think?

I can go home, huh?
It's all been a bad dream? Okay?

Honey.

Honey.

Danny, you came home.

I had to be with you.

Where did all
this come from?

Come on, you know.

All of it?

All of this, everything
came from the genie?

Isn't it just wonderful?

I'm having a
little trouble with this.

What you're
having trouble with,

is that the genie
gave us a hard time

and you crapped out.

I'm thinking
of divorce again.

Nobody gets through
all the battles.

Well, you got through
this one, I didn't.

Yes, but darling, there's
been lots of times

when you made it
and I didn't.

Ah, I'm not
thinking of divorce.

GENIE:
So, humans continue
to prattle like monkeys,

even after 10,000 years.

He's at it again.

Listen, I gotta get back

to the Home for the Mentally
Absent before bed check.

It's okay, Danny, relax.

Really?

Hi, guys.
Everything okay?

Forgive me, mistress.

My wrath was directed at
the Rodeo Drive tailors,

who can't keep their
buttons properly affixed.

Well, I'll
sew it for you.

Oh, Danny, I would
like you to meet

Mas'ud Jan Bin Jan,
a Mazikeen.

I remember the name.

Our benefactor,
and my friend.

How good a friend?

I won't dignify that
remark with an answer.

Welcome home, sir.

I await your
smallest request.

I can see now why
you had a little trouble

getting out of there.
Yes.

I'm still
a bit stiff.

How about
that tea now?

That would be fine.

Danny?
No.

How did you get out?

You were stuck in there
for 10,000 years.

I'm no longer cramped over in
pain with an eternal bellyache,

thanks to the
magical workings

of your lovely consort.

No more, uh, temper?

She's my friend.

I look forward to extending
that friendship to you.

Thank you.

I've seen much of the world
these past three days,

as humans judge time.

It's most pleasing.

The oceans, the sunrise,
the incomparable Lena Horne.

Do you play bridge?

Do you like
biochemistry?

Do you realize how close
they are to being correct

about the jumping genes
of the DNA molecule?

No, not really.

How did you get him out?

You won't believe this.

You figured it
out with this?

Well, occasionally magic
has to bow to technology.

How come nobody ever
thought of it before?

JAN BIN JAN:
Simple.

That object didn't exist

the last time somebody had to
put up with plagues and tigers.

DANNY:
A simple, stupid, ordinary,
everyday, run-of-the-mill,

nickel-dime, penny ante,
unbelievable can opener!

Baby, you're the greatest.

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there,

waiting for us to enter,

waiting to enter us.

Until next time,

try to enjoy the daylight.