03x03 - The Bitterest Pill

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[ball bouncing]

♪ ♪

[ball bouncing]

[dog barking outside]

BOY:
Ten seconds left.

Michigan, the Rat-Brains
lead by one.

Jonathan Bender,
ace with the ball,

crosses mid-court.

Time running out,

he fakes, breaks free,
and he's up!

You, take the
garbage out.

Fake, Bender passes
to fellow Hoosier.

[chanting]:
Hoosier! Hoosier!

And there's a pass
right back.

Yes, sirree, folks.

Ten seconds left.

[chanting]:
Bender! Bender!

Bender!
You hear me, shrimp?

Get the garbage.

Goes to sh**t.

Bender!
Three seconds.

He's planting
his feet.

He's poised. He's aiming.
Bender! Bender!

Bender! He goes to sh**t.
He's up! He's up!

Bender! Bender!
Don't play ball in the house,
Jonathan.

And he lets it go...

Stupid kid!

I told you not to play
in the house.

Sorry!
I told him not to play
in the house.

[TV turns on]
No TV.

[TV turns off]
Ah, Dad.

Well, what am I supposed
to do, then?

Go sit in a corner?

Read a book.
Yeah.

Shock us both,
make it a schoolbook.

Can I have the sports section?

No, you can have
the national news.

It's so boring.

Then you can go to your room.

Mom! Mom, get up here, you won!

What is all the noise?

Come on, Mom, get in gear!

Hey, hey, don't talk

to your mother
like that.

You didn't even see it,
Mr. Newspaper Reader.

What's wrong?

I won?

I won!

Oh, I won! I won! I won!

We won!

Yeah, we won!

We won!
What are you doing?!

We won!
Yeah, you won!

Let me see the ticket!
I want to see the ticket!

Margery!

Where is the ticket?

In my purse!

I always keep it
in my purse.

Jonathan, go upstairs,
get your mother's purse!

Oh, Harlan.

Harlan, I want a fur.

I want a fur to wear
to the supermarket.

I want to spend more time
in the frozen food section.

We ain't
gettin' no furs.

Oh, a fur.

Jonathan,
where's the ticket!

JONATHAN:
I can't find it.

HARLAN:
Oh, you stupid kid!

[loud clattering
from upstairs]

[glass shattering]

Eleanor.

Remember that money you told me
not to waste on the lottery?

Well, I did it anyway.

I won the Pick Four Jackpot!

[laughs]
We're gonna be rich!

Isn't it wonderful?

[line disconnects
dial tone hums]

Mom, I found it!

HARLAN:
Give me that!

Get out of the way!

JONATHAN:
Mom!

[phone ringing]

[ringing continues]

We don't want any!

Who put this phone
back on the hook?

[doorbell chiming]

Your turn.

What is it now, Kopec?

Man here to see you, Mr.
Bender, says it's important.

If it's that guy
selling dental floss,

no, I don't want
a year's supply.

I'll give him
the brush-off?

[laughs]

[clears throat]

Here's some more
telegrams for you.

I wouldn't let the
boy deliver them.

That's what I'm paying you for.

Is this it?

Could I interest
you in two tickets

to the Polish
security guard ball?

[door slamming]

Aren't you even
going to read them?

What's the point?

They're only from people
trying to sell us something.

[over intercom]:
Mom, I can't find
my I.U. T-shirt.

Hmm, small mercies.
Something to do.

[doorbell chiming]

Oh...

What now, Kopec?

There's another guy
here to see you.

Whoever it is, tell him
I'm not interested.

Well, he says to tell Cuddles
that Tinker is here.

Cuddles?

That's what he said.

What's his name?

Winston McNeely McGee.

Or that's what
he told me anyway.

You tell that son of a...

...the exact
average width.

Shoulder blade to
shoulder blade, 25 inches.

A textbook
endomorphic-type man.

Do you want me
to punch him?

Winnie! Well, don't just
stand there-- come on in.

Cuddles.

Oh!

[door slams]

[groans]

250 milligrams
of acetaphetamin,

65 milligrams
of caffeine,

uh, microcrystalline
cellulose, uric acid,

250 milligrams of...
[gasps] um...

Do you have any
acetylsalicylic acid?

You want an aspirin,
right, Tinker?
Mm.

Harlan, get Tinker
an aspirin.

Margery!

Well, look at you.

You are still one
fine figure of--

20% body fat

and 80% mean and lean
tissue, Cuddles.

Aw, you're sweet, Tinker.

Oh, have I got
a headache! Mm!

Mom!

Where are you
going, sweetheart?

Oh, I'm going to go
play video games.

Isn't he a
darling, Winnie?

He's got his father's
nose, of course, but...
Mm-hmm.

MARGERY:
don't you think
he has my eyes?

Oh, that's normal.

After all, with 23 sets
of chromosomes

in the gamete, the chances
of him looking

exactly like either one of you,
are more than one in 900--

oh, actually,
it's 7,976,400.

Oh, my head!

Ow.

Ow, ow, ow!

[squealing]

[squealing and groaning]

Oh... ah.

Here's your aspirin.
Oh.

Now get out of here.

MARGERY:
Harlan.

We haven't seen
Winnie for a while.

And I want him to stay.

Well, what
does he want?

It's pretty nervy
Winnie showing up here

after all these years.

The man who tried
to cuckold me

the night before
our wedding.

Primates.
Primates, Harlan.

Did you know primates
first stood, walked and ran

on two legs more than
three million years ago?

Evolving from
Australopithecus
africanesis

to h*m* erectus, h*m*
sapiens, Neanderthal,

all the way up
to modern man?

A genus that could one day be
known as the Harlan Benderus.

[laughing]
Tinker, what's
gotten into you?

Are you sick?

Sick?

[laughing maniacally]

No. Never better.

Never smarter.

In fact, the portion
of my central nervous system

in the vertebrate
cranium responsible

for the interpretation
of sensory impulses,

the coordination
of bodily activities,

the exercise of thoughts
and emotions,

have never ever
been this better.

Ha, ha!
Oh! Oh!

HARLAN:
I don't believe this.

[pills rattling]
Margery, what's
wrong with him?

Harlan, I've got the whole
world... in my head.

Now, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

HARLAN:
If you've come for money,
Winnie, forget it.

Harlan, it's power,

centrifugal force,
the universe.

I want you to help me
conquer the world.

Hey, neato. How?

Go to your room.

Oh, Dad.

HARLAN:
Go!

You, get the hell
out of my chair!

[busy signal]

Did you know

the first automatic

telephone switchboard
was installed in 1892

in La Porte, Indiana?

Now think about that.
Don't!

[phone ringing]
Don't!

No, we don't want
any computer stock.

Winnie, I'm a busy man.

What do you want?

Harlan, I am offering you
a partnership

in something that will
change the world.

You said we should be
looking for something

worthwhile, Harlan.

Yeah, but not with
this crazy bozo.

JONATHAN:
Dad, can I come down now?
No!

Harlan, I want you to
help me conquer the world.

You're wasting your time.

Mom, can I come down now?

No!

JONATHAN:
Mom?

I invented something, see?

And when I heard about you
winning all that money...

You thought you could take
some of it away from me

like you tried to take
Margery away from me.

I thought we put
that to bed.

No!

Oh! No.

I want to make money for you.

[sighs]

I can give you
the world, Harlan.

Trust me.

[sighs]

We can own the world!

[laughing]

The two of us,

if you'll just give me
a little financial help.

See, I invented

a drug,
and it gives me total recall.

I bet you know
the way out, then.

What is intelligence?

A capacity to acquire
and apply knowledge.

I got the secret to acquisition.

[chuckles]

Out of here, Tinker.

Oh, Harlan,
remember your manners.

You go ahead, Winnie.

Tell Harlan all about
your little invention.

In fact, why don't you two
just discuss a little business

while I go
and freshen up?

[cracking knuckles]

All right, Winnie.

JONATHAN:
Dad, can I come down now?

No!

You won't
regret it, Harlan.

I'm talking about
the optimization

of the human computer.

The ability to search
one's lifetime library

of learning and experience.

Winnie, please!

You want to know who the
first six kings of England were?

Egbert, Aethelwulf, Aethelbald,

Aethelberht,
Aethelred the First and Alfred.

[laughing]

You want to know, uh,

the time the United States
had two presidents?

Who cares?

I-I-I can
name you...

I can name you the
U.S. Open golf champions

from 1895 to date.

Rawlins, Foulis, Herd,
Lloyd, Smith, Anderson.

Uh, uh, no,
wait a minute.

Uh, I forgot,
uh, 1900.

That was the Brit--
Vardon.

Then comes Anderson.

Winnie, will you
cut it out, please?

Harlan, this is the key
to conquering the world!

1877-- Rutherford B. Hayes
and Ulysses S. Grant

were both president
for a day.

You know what?

I learned that
one time hearing

on the television--
a quiz show.

[laughing]

Listen to this.

[squawking like a bird]

[dog barking]

[continues squawking]

[dog barking]

Well, that's the
closest I can come

to a ruffneck
grouse mating call.

I heard that once

right outside
my bedroom window in 1954.

Can you do a bald eagle?

[sighs]
Medicine.

Education.

I... I am talking
about the upwelling

of the unconsciousness.

The ability
to remember everything!

[chuckles] You can win
every quiz show on television.

Knowledge is power,
Harlan.

But it does make
my head ache!

[heavy thud]

Everything you ever read,

ever saw, ever heard,
ever overheard

is locked in your brain
right now.

Everything that you encounter
from this day on

will be parked
in your memory bank,

and only you
can get fast takeout!

[laughs]

Oh, my.

These capsules will unlock
all that information,

and then we can rule
the world, Harlan!

[laughing maniacally]

[laughing]

You take one
of these capsules...

and the blocks

between your brain cells
are weakened for an hour.

20 of them, and you are
a super-genius for life.

You'll remember everything.
You won't forget.

You'll remember
that first slap

that the nurse gave you
on your naked bottom

that started you breathing

to the name of the nurse
that took you out

to your father's
four-door.

Who wants to remember that?

Harlan,
let's talk money.

I know more
about the Fortune 500

than any insider
on Wall Street.

I can give you
the long-term cycles

of every stock
on every stock exchange.

I've got them all
in my head right now.

I even know
the private broker signals.

Wave up for buy.
Wave down for sell.

Harlan, give me
a million dollars.

No!

What? Just
a million.

You can spare it.

Besides, I'll
double it in a week.

In a year, we'll have
a billion dollars.

A billion dollars!

You hear that,
Margery?

Hey, he's going to make us
even more popular with the IRS.

So, we'll income average.

No, no, no, no.
Forget taxes!

I know loopholes you can drive
an armored truck through.

Think, Harlan.

Think what a super genius

could do with
a billion dollars!

I don't think I want you
running the world, Tinker.

Do you want to?

JONATHAN [over intercom]:
Dad, can I come down now?

No!
You will.

After you take one
of these capsules,

you'll be able to see
everything at once!

I mean, you'll get the
big picture, Harlan.

I'll sell you the whole
bottle for $500,000.

And then we'll both
be super geniuses.

One of these,
and I'll remember everything

for an hour, right?

Hmm. With you,
five minutes would be enough.

The first one's on me.
Be my guest.

Will my head hurt?

What is a little headache

when you can rule the world?

[laughs]
Harlan, rule the world?

Come on, Harlan.

$100,000.

That's all I need.

[stammers]

There is no limit!

Just--
Harlan, come here.

Just take one.

It is too good
to be true!

Try it.

You're crazy, bozo.

Get that candy
out of my face.

No. What are you doing?

Harlan!
HARLAN: Kopec,
get in here!

[grunting]
What?

Ow!

Kopec!
Hey, Kopec!

All right,
what's the problem?

He's the problem!
Get him out of here!

All right. Come on.

Harlan Bender,

don't you dare throw Winnie
out of this house!

He's almost family.

All right. You're coming
with me, you little weenie.
Ow.

KOPEC: Come here.
Harlan, don't dare let him
take him like that!

Listen to me.

There's 483,122 security cops
in this country.

Just drive him out of town and
dump him in some garbage site.

...of every hundred cops
get hurt bad, really bad.

[shouting]
[body thuds]

You had no reason
to treat Winnie like that.

We have more money than we
even know what to do with.

Couldn't you have
given him a couple

of lousy hundred
thousand dollars?

JONATHAN:
I'm tired of being locked in
my room. Can I come down now?

No!
Yes!

[door opens, then closes]

Clean up that mess
for your mother, will you, dear?

And look at yourself.

Standing there, looking
like some dance hall floozy.

Come on, Margery. I didn't
mean anything by it.

I'm sorry about poor Winnie,
but forget him, okay?

We're rich.

Why don't we start living
as though we were rich?

Well, it's about time.

You know what?
Hmm?

I'm going to take you
for a pizza.

A pizza?

Yeah. We'll fly
to New York.

We'll have a pizza.

We'll go to a show with music
and a couple of lights.

Well, what
about Jonathan?

We'll get a babysitter.

Mrs. Turner will be happy
for the work.

On such short notice?

Oh, come on.

Oh, Harlan, let's do it.
It sounds like fun.

Let's really live.

Aw...

JONATHAN:
The airline number
is 555-0404.

Mrs. Turner is 555-1645.

And the Broadway ticket office
is 1-800-276-3939.

Flying time from here
to New York

with consideration for wind
direction and velocity

is three hours, 27 minutes.

If you leave within the hour,

you'll make the
8:00 curtain call.

You know, on top
of everything else,

these taste terrific.

No, don't
trouble yourself.

I can only
stay a minute.

I was on my way to
an important business meeting,

and I had Kopec
bring me by.

How are you, Mom?
Dad?

Everything's fine.

Great.

My accountant tells me

that you've been touching
your living allowance

a little too heavily
for liquor.

You want
to watch that, now?

We will.

Good. I appreciate that.

Do you know the mistake
Winnie made?

He didn't realize that his drug
would work that much better

on a brain that's still growing.

His brain overloaded.
Couldn't take it.

But me?
That's another story.

Uh, Jonathan,
it was sweet of you

to bring
this week's groceries.

I almost forgot why I came.

[laughs]

That's a joke.

[chuckles nervously]

Kopec?

I thought you'd like a final
copy of the court order

making me
your legal guardian.

Cost me a quarter
of a million dollars

and set three precedents,
but it was worth it.

Now we can get on
to the important business.

[fastens briefcase]

Let's be going, Kopec.

I don't want to be late
for the stockholder's meeting.

Heads are going
to roll.

Jonathan...

with your father
not working,

and, uh, our not
going out very much,

there's very little to do.

Do you think
we could, uh,

afford cable
for the television?

Nope.

No cable TV.

You could always
read a book.

Right?

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.