03x14 - My Ghostwriter - The Vampire

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[lively jazz playing]

Lord... Lord...

how it come to this,
I'll never know.

The Lord's kitchen,

and that deserves better
than I got.

Old man shouldn't be working.

Should be relaxing
in the sunshine in a hammock,

sipping something cool,

watching the young folk
carry the load.

'Cause this ain't natural.

You hear that, woman?!

This ain't natural.

[tapping]

Henry Hogan, Pierce,
Lubner and Hogan,

here to see Miss Cuzzins.

She told me someone
was coming by.

Don't know why that woman

can't keep her hours
in the regular old daytime.

An old man shouldn't
have to work

into the wee hours
of the morning, no, sir.

No heart.

That woman
treats me just like

the old kitchen rat
that I am.

This place is a gold mine.

WOMAN:
My cookies can do
a whole lot for you.

You won't find nothing,
no place,

that's as good for your soul
as these here cookies of mine.

Take the trouble
off your shoulders,

put a smile on your face

and make you feel
just like a child again.

Hey, I'm the
advertising man here,

and I'm already
a satisfied customer.

Yes, indeed, I am.

As a matter of fact,
I am probably

your number one fan.

Why, when I munch on one of your
Shortbread Painkillers here,

my headache just seems
to go right away.

And when I take one of your
Oatmeal Bodybuilders,

why, I feel like I've been
exercising the whole week long.

And when I pop one of your
Peanut Butter Tranquillizers...

[chuckles]

[chuckles]

Well...

It's not my imagination
now, is it, Miss Cuzzins?

And it ain't no flashback
from childhood innocence.

It ain't innocence at all,
is it, Miss Cuzzins?

Why don't you go ahead and
scratch that itch, Mr. Hogan.

You've been wanting to

ever since you called on me
this afternoon.

Okay.

Here it is.

You've done pretty well
with this little shop,

but I say... why
settle for this?

I want to show you
how you can expand.

How you could put more stores
right here in New Orleans--

franchises
in every major city.

Why, you could become
a millionaire--

even a billionaire.
Hmm...

Sit down, Hogan.

Why, thank you, ma'am.

You see, you inspired me.

You inspired me to open up
my own advertising agency.

And you're looking to steal
away your first client.

That it, Mr. Hogan?

I'm just tired
of answering to people.

Tired of answering to people

that I know
that I'm smarter than.

When people find out
what I do

with this little
cookie shop of yours,

I'm going to have clients
lined up a mile long.

I might even become
an advertising legend.

But what if this
hole-in-the-wall cookie shop

ain't interested, hmm?

You'll be interested.

You see, you've got
to be interested.

Because if you're
not, Mrs. Cuzzins,

I'll have to do it
without you.

That means
that I'll have to find out

what you've got
in this here cookie batter.

And I'm sure the boys
down at the crime lab

would be glad to help me out.

[chuckling]

[Dixieland jazz playing]

[sighs, chuckles]

I figured something
like this was coming.

Yes, sir, I've had
my eyes on you.

Waiting for you
to make your move.

I had a fistful
of Crunchy Nut Aggressions

on my way over here.

Now, why don't you try some of
your Tollhouse Mind Expanders

and see what a fabulous
future we can have together.

[wry chuckle]

The only cookies I ever eat
are Chocolate Chip Happiness.

Hmm.
That's why I can keep

a smile on my face while dealing
with sidewinders like you.

Hey, I'm just out
to make a buck.

You're the one that's pushing

chemical persuasion
across the counter.

Now see, that's why I don't like
the idea of partners.

Partners always seem to wind up
thinking badly of one another.

Hmm.
I don't want to be your partner.

I want no part of the rap

if you get caught
at what you're doing.

I don't even want to know
what magic ingredients

you're using
in these here cookies.

All I want is your
advertising business.

And I even got
the first Hogan slogan.

"Cuzzins Dozens... little brown
bags full of country sunshine...

to help you cope
with city life."

Hogan, that's
a good slogan.

This slogan can sell
a bunch of Cuzzins Dozens.

Hmm.

Can't them feet
move any faster,

you old kitchen rat?

It takes you an hour

to watch a minute go by
on the clock.

Brain soaked with liquor.

That's your problem,

you worthless old kitchen rat.

Hmm.

[sighs]

Well, Hogan, I'll
think on all of this.

I ain't saying
I'm gonna do it,

but I'll think on it.

Hmm?

Hmm.... hmm.

Help yourself
to some cookies

on your way out.

[Cuzzins cackling
with laughter]

Here, take these
cookies with you.

Wha...? Okay.

Hey, I never seen this
on the rack before.

I thought she only baked


Cuzzins Dozens.

Baker's dozen.

That's always 13.

She don't sell these.

They're too powerful.

Too powerful, huh?

CUZZINS:
Aloysius!

Hey, um, what's in these
things, anyway, old man?

I can't tell you that.

Sh-She's a bayou witch woman.

The worst there is.

[laughing]

You've got to be kidding.

Well, she keep that smile
on her face,

but you stare at it long enough,
you see the devil in there.

It's some bad hoodoo

she's using, Hogan.

She belong to the devil
all right.

CUZZINS:
Aloysius!

[entrance bell ringing]

I got to take a chance
on you, Hogan.

This woman needs
to be brought down.

And these gingerbread cookies

are the only things
that can do it.

Oh, why would I do
a thing like that?

CUZZINS: Aloysius,
you get in here!

Wait a minute, old man. We
ain't through talking yet.

I'm gonna be back just
as soon as I find out

what these cookies can do.

Just go. Go.

[door locking]

Old man shouldn't have
to work like this.

CUZZINS:
You're gonna work
until you die,

you old kitchen rat!

You loafed away
your whole life,

doing nothing for nobody.

I'm gonna see to it that
you make up for it, though.

I'm gonna work your butt
to a frazzle.

[whimpering]

This ain't natural, woman!

You gave out a dozen
of my gingerbreads,

didn't you, old man?

You took some
of the batch

I was baking
and gave it to Hogan,

didn't you?!
[groans]

[gasping groan]

You think he's gonna use them
against me, don't you?

Ha-ha!

You simple old fool.

He ain't gonna do nothing
against me.

[yelling in pain]

When he finds out
what them cookies can do,

he's gonna use them
to feather his nest.

His and mine.

I'm gonna get
rich and famous.

[chuckles]

And old Hogan's
gonna do it for me.

[cackling]

No!

No!

It ain't natural.

You ain't natural.

Not since the night
you first drew breath.

I knew it.

Oh, I wish I could
take that night back.

Make it so you never was.

[groans]

[wheezing]

Yes, sir, I know you do.

But you should
have thought of that

before you went off
chasing moonshine.

Before you left me

and my mama
in a backwater shack

with three pennies in my hand

and even less in my head.

Nah, it's too late now.

[whimpering]
Way too late.

It's too late, Papa!

[Aloysius screaming
and groaning]

[rat squeaking]

Kitchen rat.

Old rotten kitchen rat!

[laughing]

[maniacal laughter]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: So you finally
decided to come home.

Go back to bed, Helen.

Who are you seeing, Henry?

Is it your secretary,
Marlene?

Is that who it is?

I am not seeing anyone.

I was at a business meeting.

Now will you please
go back to sleep?!

It is Marlene,
isn't it?

I hear you on the phone
with her, Henry.

There's that certain
something in your voice.

You talk to her

the way you used
to talk to me.

I'm not seeing anyone.

Now you're starting
to agitate me.

Will you please go to bed?

You don't pay attention
to me anymore, Henry.

You haven't for a long time.

I'm preoccupied trying
to make money.

You know, money, Helen--

that green stuff
that you like to spend?

It's not the work, Henry!

It's me.

You've lost interest in me.

And now you're seeing
someone else.

Admit it!

Not now. Not now, Helen.

Please, not now!

[screaming in pain]

[groans]

Now what the hell
is the matter, Helen?

Oh, my God,
how frightening.

I've never felt anything
like that in my life.

Like what?

Like... pain!

Pain-- hot.

Hot like I was
being dunked

in boiling water
or something.

[groaning]

Ow!

[screams]

[screaming]

[laughing maniacally]

MALE REPORTER:
Larry Julius reporting from New
Orleans where the American dream

has come true for a lady
who bakes cookies.

Thanks to a clever campaign
designed by adman Henry Hogan,

Miss Ruby Cuzzins is spreading
Chocolate Chip Happiness

from sea to shining sea.

FEMALE REPORTER:
Charles Arbergast, president
of the First National Bank

of New Orleans, died last night,

from stab wounds suffered
when a mugger assaulted him

in a parking lot in the
French Quarter of the city.

[laughter continues throughout]

MALE REPORTER: Henry Hogan,

founder of Hogan's Slogans
is rumored

to be about to file
for bankruptcy protection.

In an announcement that stunned
the advertising world,

Hogan said today that,

due to circumstances
beyond his control,

he was afraid he could no longer
stay in business.

[knocking]

ALOYSIUS: I'm coming.
I'm coming.

Hello, Aloysius.
How you been?

Aloysius, wait,
I want to talk to you.

We got nothing to say
to each other, Mr. Hogan.

Aloysius, wait.

Wait, Aloysius.

Well...

well, well!
[chuckles]

You've just about used
up all those cookies

Aloysius gave
you last year,

right, Hogan?

What cookies?

I know he gave you
those gingerbreads,

and I know what you've
been doing with them.

Except they're just about
all used up by now,

ain't they, Hogan?

[sighing]:
I-I want...

I-I gotta have 12,
12 more gingerbread cookies.

Those other clients never did
come around, did they, Hogan?

They never did line up

the way you thought
they would, huh?

You know why?

'Cause I fixed it.

I figured, uh, you should pay
all of your attention to me

and my cookies.

What are you gonna do with that
one cookie you got left, huh?

Planning on using it on me, hmm?

Only if I have to, Miss Cuzzins.

We ain't gonna hurt
your only claim to fame.

Huh?

No, sir, you can't afford
to toss me aside.

Baby, I'm all you got!

You know, Hogan,
when you first came in here

with your crazy scheme,

I was afraid we wasn't gonna
get along too well.

Huh, but now we're
getting along just fine.

Real fine,

ain't we, darlin'?

[smooching]

[door shuts]

[sighs]

[ice tinkling in glass]

[soft groan]

It's after midnight.

[sighs]

I had a meeting.

With who, Marlene?

I'm not seeing Marlene.

I'm not seeing anyone.

Now look, I've had
a real rough day.

I'm gonna go upstairs,
I'm gonna take a shower,

and I'm gonna
try and relax.

When I come out,
you'd better be asleep.

[ice tinkling in glass]

[water running]

[crinkling]

I never wore purple lipstick.

You are seeing Marlene.

Henry, you...!

[Henry screaming]

[screaming continues]

[shrieks]

[screaming]

[Henry stops screaming]

[Cuzzins grunts]
[Aloysius groans]

It's past your bedtime,
kitchen rat.

I'm gonna get you, woman.

Hogan missed
his chance,

but I still got mine!

[chuckles]

You do, do you?

Well, we'll see
about that.

[Aloysius groaning]

What are you going to do to me

when you're just
an old kitchen rat?

[groaning]

Kitchen rat! Kitchen rat!

[laughing]

[squeaking]

[laughing maniacally]

[laughing uncontrollably]

[gasping breaths]

[screaming]:
Aloysius!

You couldn't have!

No! You... How did you...?

What is, what is...?

[screaming in agony]

Aloysius!

[gasping]

[panting]

A baker's dozen!

You gave him 12,

then you kept the 13th!

[screaming]

[screaming in horror]

[sustained screaming]

[screaming continues]

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time, try
to enjoy the daylight.