04x19 - Barter

[bunniefuu]

[theme music playing]

NARRATOR:
Man lives in the sunlit world

of what he believes
to be reality.

But... there is,

unseen by most, an underworld.

A place that is just as real

but not as brightly lit.

A dark side.

[needle scratches]

[rock and roll blaring]

[phone ringing]

-Ruthie, Bethel is on the phone.
-[loud rock music continues]

What's that smell?

You know, Little Nicky's
getting real good.

Chip off the old wood.

Honey, Bethel is on the phone
because today is the last day

for the finalists to turn in
your favorite household hints,

so that we can win the big prize
and be on TV.

And the big prize

is one of those
darling Amana freezers, Nicky.

And l can't concentrate

with Little Nicky banging away
on those...

Honey, but he's getting
real good though, eh?

Yeah.

You know, l didn't see
my favorite shirt

hanging up this morning.

Because there it is.

-Where did this stain come from?
-Blood.

l didn't blood on my shirt.

Well, l did.
l bled all over it

just so l could practice
getting out the stain.

This is the third shirt
you've ruined

with Ruthie's household ''hins.''

-''Hints.'' Household ''hints.''
-What?

Oh, never mind.

Bethel, here she is,
the household ''mence.''

Mence?!

You know,
like Dennis the ''Mence.''

Oh. Hello? Bethel?

l... l can't hear you.

Nicky, please tell
Little Nicky to stop.

Okay, okay,
l'll go tell him to stop.

Thanks, honey.

[over loud music]: Little Nicky,
you have to stop now!

[needle scratches,
music stops]

Hi, Dad. l got it.

Yeah, right in the pocket,
but you have to stop now

'cause your mother
is on the phone.

Dad, can l sit in for one song
with the band tonight?

Oh, l don't know, Little Nicky.

Aw, can l, Dad?
Gee, Dad, can l?

You said l was sounding good.

Like Buddy Rich almost.

Well, l don't know,
Little Nicky.

Well, okay, l'll talk to the
rest of the guys in the band.

Oh, gee, Dad, will you?
Really?

-Oh, wow!
-You know...

l'll practice all day.
Listen to this.

-[loud drumming]
-Bethel,

everything has to rhyme...
Nicky.

Honey, the kid has to practice.

Listen to this, Dad.

No, no, no, you have
to get behind the beat.

Behind...

[rhythmic cadence]:
Behind the beat,

behind the beat.
That's it.

Behind the beat, behind
the beat, behind the beat.

-That's it.
-l can't find anything. Yeah.

Behind the beat, behind the
beat, behind the beat...

l'm gonna have
to call you back.

Quiet!

l am just asking
for one day of quiet.

Okay, okay, l'm sorry, honey.

But then you have to hurry up
and finish up

with the household hints
business

so that we can get back to life
like normal around here, huh?

Okay, honey.

Come on, Little Nicky,

walk with me down to
the train station, huh?

Wait till you see
how happy you are

when l have that Amana freezer
in the house.

We'll all sit in it
and cool off.

And, Little Nicky,

you come right back
from that train station.

Yes, Mom.

Okay.

[knocking on door]

[groans]:
Oh...

[sighs]

Whatever it is,
we don't want it.

You've got roy-monia.

[wheezes, splutters]

-'Monia. Need it.
-What?

Trade... Need 'monia.

Oh...

-Mister...
-[splutters]

[splutters, groans]

Arter-bay.

l have the arter-things
to bart-bay for ammonia.

-You have ammonia, lady?
-Oh, yeah.

Come on in and sit down.

-Ammonia.
-l've got ammonia.

-Ammonia. Need-need ammonia.
-Yeah, l got ammonia.

l use ammonia to take out
carbon paper stains...

Need ammonia.

...blood, grease--
the ten percent strength,

being careful of silk and wool,
of course.

Ew, this isn't wool, is it?

No wonder you're fainting.

lt must be a hundred degrees
out there.

Foresby-breathe.

l eed... l need admonia.

Mister, l got a little lipstick
on your suit.

l bet you need a glass of water.

O-nee, ne-watuper, no watuper.

Hey, what are you selling?

Do you have anything to get out
tobacco stains?

All l have is ammonia.

'Monia. 'Monia.

But if you have something to get
it out quicker and easier,

l could win a Amana freezer.

Have many, many things in here.

Here, any many things
for ady-trade for ammonia.

See? Here, have for opener, see?

[electronic tones]

See? Opening, opening, opening.

Openings, openings.
[laughs]

Everything opening, opening.

Trade, lady, trade?

You know,
you don't sound so good.

And you look sick.

Maybe you should go home
and rest for the day.

Let me get
this lipstick stain out.

Let's see...

Dear Harried Housewife,

Stubborn lipstick stain?

Don't flip or kick.

Rub the stain with white bread.

Ah, brush away the crumbs--
♪ Ta-da! ♪

Lipstick gone.

What a trick.

Aw, aw...

How's about

a... a ozer-kozer
for ammonia, huh?

See? Press, press.

See, see?

-Close. [laughs]
-Lipstick.

[man groans]

You know, if you really need
ammonia that bad,

l'm going to give you some.

'Monia? Have ammonia here?

Oogy-googy, el-smell ammonia.

'Monia smell oogy-good.

l can smell 'monia
at hundred miles.

-Well, here it is.
-[gasps]

Oogy-oogy, googy-good.

Ah. Yes!

[chuckles]

Oh, no, no, don't drink that.

Oh, must drink, must.

Mmm...

Oh, good golly!

Oh, the antidote
for swallowing ammonia

is first you drink milk
and then fruit juice.

Household hints, number ten:

Drink this. Don't drink that.

[steam whistle toots]

Good golly.

Oh, ervy-good.
Very, very oody-good-good.

You have more, lady?

Are you all right?

My name Klaatzu.

Not used to avity-gravity.

Your name is Klaatzu?

Name Klaatzu.

You drank ammonia.

l did. l sure did.

l did, l drink ammonia.
l drink it.

And l have rader-traders in here
for more.

l need three-year supply.

You're not from around here,
are you?

Oh, l stay here for three years.

And then,
l-l watch and then l go home

and l tell about you.

Rader-traders

for more, lady?
More ammonia?

Mom! Mom!
Dad said l could sit in

tonight with the band,
so l got to practice, okay?

-Oh, wait a minute, young man.
-Mom, l got to practice.

Now we made a deal--

l get the morning,
you get the afternoon.

But what if l don't get it right
in the afternoon?

l can't go back
to the morning to practice

before the afternoon,
'cause the morning will be gone.

But, honey, it's so hard
to work when you're playing.

lt's just a stupid
household ''hin.''

Hints! Household hints.

No one around here
speaks English.

l'm gonna go practice now.

l'm sorry, mister.

Oh, it's kay-o, kay-o.

l got to go practice now.

Little Nicky...?

And l must give you
something for ammonia.

Oh, the only thing l need

is to turn off Little Nicky
for a couple hours.

Turn off Nicky?

Just for a couple hours
so l can get my work done.

Oh, yes, bio-stasis field.

[Little Nicky playing drums,
rock 'n' roll blaring]

We call it oper-stop.

Yeah, sure. that's what l need--
an oper-stop.

-Mm-hmm.
-Mister,

if you've got something
that will turn kids off

for a couple hours, you can have
all the ammonia in the house.

Ah, here is oper-stop.

Wow.

[over loud music]:
Hi, Mom!

[electronic whirring,
music stops]

Wow! lt works.

[music resumes]

What do you think, Mom?
Gene Krupa, eh?

Oh, it sounds great, honey.

[electronic whirring,
music stops]

Oh, wow, l could win

the household hints contest
with this.

Do you have any more of these?

Nicky, l'm home.

Ruthie? Ruthie?

Hi, honey.

Look, all done.

Well, that's nice, honey,

but l came home to pick up
Little Nicky.

l thought he would be
practicing.

Where is he?

Here's your shirt.

Hey, what do you know--
no blood.

So these household ''hins''
are good for something.

Yeah.

Little Nicky!

Oh, honey, he's been such
a good little boy all day.

Let him play two numbers
with the band tonight.

Why is he so quiet?

RUTHlE:
Surprise.

What is wrong with him?

Oh, he's just taking
a little break.

He looks like a statue.

Hey, Little Nicky, that's
a pretty good trick there.

That's a very difficult trick.

You see that? He don't blink.

-Look, Nicky.
-What's that?

Well, it's an oper-stop.

lt stops things.

Like you freeze.

And then you press this button
here, see?

And it stops the stop and
everything goes back to normal.

Watch.

-[electrical crackling]
-Oh!

Oh, no.

Little Nicky?

NlCKY: Very funny!
What's going on here?!

You know, l like jokes, Ruthie,

but right now l don't feel
like liking jokes.

Ooh, this can't be happening!

Hey, Little Nicky,
no more fooling around now!

We have to go to the club, kid.

Little Nicky?

What's wrong with him?

Let me see that ''thin.''

Oh...

Who gave you this ''thin''?

Uh, Mr. Klaatzu.

lt's an oper-stop.

Ave Maria... ¿ cuantas veces le
he dicho a ella...?

Klaatzu?
Who the carajo is he?

Oh, a very funny salesman.

Well, what was he doing here?!

He needed ammonia.

-Ammonia?!
-He drinks it.

Ruthie, this is no time
for jokes.

l traded him ammonia for that!

But you ''ooper-stoop''
our Little Nicky!

How could you do such a ''thin''?!

Oper-stopped.

Well... l had to get blood
out of your shirt

and gum out
of Little Nicky's hair

so that l could win
the freezer! [sobs]

Ay, chihuahua.

Oh, Nicky,
what are we gonna do?!

We are going to find
this Mr. Klaatzu character

and we are going to make him
''unooper-stoop'' our Little Nicky

before l wring
Mr. Klaatzu's neck.

Now where is he?

[sobbing]

l don't know!

NlCKY:
Little Nicky, way to go!

-[drums playing to rock music]
-Nicky?

Ruthie! Ruthie!

-[Nicky laughs]
-Did you fix it?

[electrical zapping,
music stops]

Honey, l had him going.

[oscillating tones,
music resumes]

[music stops]

Wait...

[music resumes]

[zapping]

-RUTHlE: Oh!
-[music stops]

Oh! Oh, stop it, Nicky!

Oh, l can't stand it anymore.

Come and help me in the kitchen.

[Nicky sighs]

RUTHlE:
Oh!

[Nicky muttering]
Caramba...

l bought all the ammonia
in the store.

Why so much?

Well, Klaatzu said
he can smell it

from a hundred miles away.

lt's what brought him here
in the first place.

l thought it might
bring him back.

Honey, this is
what a flake must be.

Flake?

You know, one of those weird
''thins'' that don't happen often.

''Fluke.''

Yeah! Well, l just hope this
passing fluke is no flake,

and that Little Nicky is not
going to be a frozen statue

in front of
the drum set forever.

Oh...

[coughing]

This stuff stinks.

RUTHlE:
Ugh!

[sniffing]

[knocking on door]

We don't want any.

Mel-smell 'moni-may.

Megadose.

Oh, smell 'monia.

Mighty googy-good.

Who are you?

Ame-name Klaatzu.

¡Sinvergüenza!

You want art-bart?

-What?
-Arter-barter.

Barter. You want trade?

Ah, trade!

Sure! We have ammonia for you.

All, all for you! See?

You bring me back
my Little Nicky,

and-and, uh,
you can take it all.

Ooh, l now have three years
supply 'monia.

Well, take more.
You never know.

No, only need three years.

l go ome-home,
where we do not have

eavy-heavy gravity like Earth.

¡Sinvergüenza!

Who the hell are you?

[Nicky clears throat]

Please, please
start him up again.

Easy to fix arter-start.

We have ammonia for you.

Honey, he don't want ammonia.

Well, what do you want?

For three years to carry this.

Ammonia, 'monia... [chuckles]

Mmm, smell oogy-good,
oogy-good.

[laughing]

Nicey-nice l snay ammoni-nia.

[croaks]

Mmm... [chuckles]

[steam whistle blows]

He can't have my little baby.

Not for three years,
not for one minute.

Tenemos que votar en este.

[snoring]

[door creaks,
pans clatter softly]

[croaking]

[snoring continues]

[Klaatzu snoring]

[Nicky clears throat]

[clears throat loudly]

[Klaatzu croaking]

Morning.

Morning-zing.

Uh, we don't want our son

to be oper-stopped
the rest of his life.

We decided it's better for him
to go with you for three years,

if you promise
he can come back.

Oh, three years no time
in whole galaxy.

Well, if, uh,
you will start him up,

then we can say good-bye to him,
and he can go with you.

Oh, oogy-googy-good.

Well, [chuckles]
aren't you gonna have

a little ammonia morning
pick-me-up, Mr. Klaatzu?

Oh, ery-very
oogy-goog-good idea.

Morning-ing uppy-puppy.

[chuckles]
Mmm! Moni-may!

l'll never make fun
of the way you talk again.

La-lee-loo-lee.

[steam whistle blows]

[groans]

[spluttering]

Oh, household hints, number ten:

antidotes and poison!

Honey, you do it.

Okay.

Little Nicky, l'll never ever
tell you not to practice again.

Mommy and Daddy miss you
so much.

[rock music playing]

Ah-ha!

Oh, honey!

Hey, Little Ricky,
you sounding real good!

Doing real good, son.

Hey, Little Nicky, stop!

Stop it now!

What's going on around here?

Little Nicky?

The hi-fi, she don't turn off.

Oh!

Let me see that thing.

This button says ''start.''

Well, that's what we wanted!

We wanted to start him!

But there's no stop button!
There's no normal button!

Don't tell me.

He's on permanent start!

Little Nicky?

Nicky? Little Nicky?

Oh!

Honey, he can't hear us!

Now do you want to arter-barter?

Trade?
[chortles]

You remember to brush
your teeth, sweetheart.

You don't want to get
any more cavities.

l packed your blue sweater
for when it's cold.

l'm so sorry, sweetheart.

l never meant to do anything
to hurt you.

l love you so much, honey.

And you keep practicing
to be good, huh?

You know, behind the beat.

Behind the beat. Be...

And remember, you promised
to bring him back to us.

[steam whistle blows]

[steam whistle blows]

Nicky?

NARRATOR:
The dark side is always there.

Waiting for us to enter.

Waiting to enter us.

Until next time,
try to enjoy the daylight.