07x19 - License to Cattle Drive

[bunniefuu]

What's all this?

Ooh, are we cutting up
magazines to send our parents
fake ransom notes?

With friends like you
who needs true crime podcasts?

We're working
on our scrapbooks,

so we'll always remember
being at camp.

Podcasts, scrapbooks,

okay, boomers, tell me more.

This page is filled
with all the texts
Cleo and I sent each other.

Did you glue your phone
to the page?

I had to.

The hamsters that powered
the camp's printer quit.

I keep telling Luke
to give them more sugar cubes

or there's going to be a camp
wide hamster rebellion.

[all] Aww.

Check it out. I just
finished up my page
on the Compton Cowboys.

These scrapbooks are great.

But why is this page
in the middle blank?

Oh, I kept it free
for cattle drive pictures.

But I don't think we're gonna
have time for one
before the end of summer.

Why not?

Parker's activity for today,

is help Parker come up
with an activity for today.

It would take weeks,
driving cattle hundreds of
miles across uneven terrain,

sleeping on the cold,
hard ground and eating
nothing but beans.

I was so looking
forward to it.

Weeks of nothing but beans?

You could cropdust
half the country that way.

And I have.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Glad he did it to us just now?

No!

If we can't give
Bill a real cattle drive,

maybe we can recreate
the experiences
he'd have on one.

That's a great idea!

[cell phone ringing]

Excuse me,
I need to take this.
Go for Jakey!

One sec.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

Hey, Lou,
do you have time today

to pick up Victoria's
wedding dress
since she's out of town?

Yeah, of course.

Oh, right. She went
to her family reunion.

Actually, she went
to my family reunion.

I just wasn't invited.

Really? I was.

Wait, seriously?
How did you get an invite?

I was a big hit at your
family's Easter brunch!

The way your
Uncle Jed carves a ham!

[laughing]

You'd get it
if you were there.

Anyway, I'd pick up
the dress myself,

but it's bad luck
for the groom to see it
before the wedding.

It's weird
that you're superstitious,

the rest of your family isn't.

Oh, they told me that
at Boxing Day.

My mom's assistant said that
that party was canceled!

Yeah, they really
don't like you, man.

I got to talk to you
about something.

Is it about yesterday
when I dinged your car door
in the parking lot?

I was talking to Parker...
wait, you dinged my car?

Did I say dinged?

I meant winged.

Nope. Not better. Bye now.

Hey, what did you need
to talk to me about?

I heard through
the town's grapevine
that you're getting married!

Yeah, and I'm his co-best man
along with Luke.

I even got
new business cards printed.

Hmm.

Comic sans.
The font of weirdos.

It's whimsical.

Look as Dusty Tush's
justice of the peace,

I'm the one who awards
the marriage license

you need to wed Victoria.

Oh, well, Victoria's
out of town, so whatever
we have to sign,

we'll just have
to wait till she's back.

Actually, we can start
the process with you.

There's just a few things
I want to clear up about
your future marriage first.

Oh, I've been
getting this a lot.

She is not marrying me
under duress.

Dusty Tush takes this process
very seriously.

We have to put people
through the paces

so they understand
how important the institution
of marriage is.

I just can't
hand over paperwork
all willy-nilly-like.

Really? I got
my driver's license
last summer

just by spelling "car,"

And it was multiple choice!

You'd be surprised
how many people pick
"all of the above."

What's going on here?

Jake and I made a mock
cattle drive for you,

and I promise it'll be better
than "Lou's mock eggs."

Why were they square?

And when did you have time
to make this?

Oh, that was already there.

Apparently,
Susie in Roadrunner cabin
in her cabin is quite a fan.

That's a little creepy,
but I get it.

I'm a snack.

The first thing
on our mock cattle drive
is horseback riding.

Great. Where are the horses?

Uh, I lost horse privileges
after I tried
to take one water skiing.

Pro tip. You need four skis.

But we figured out a way
that'll be even better.

You have something better
for horseback riding
than horses?

Giddy up, cyborg horse!

What up?

Seriously?
I can't use this thing!

I've never ridden
a scooter in my life!

Come on, Bill,
get into the spirit
of the mock cattle drive!

Is horse waterskiing
still on the table?

Not, according to Lou and her
uptight lawyers.

-Now get on.
-Okay.

I guess I'll give it a try.

Couldn't be easier.

You just press this lever
and make it go.

I'm doing it!

[exclaiming]

[crashes]

I'm okay,
but I think I broke the horse!

See? It happens to everyone.

Hey, Lou,
what are you in town for?

I'm just picking up Victoria's
wedding dress
from the bridal pop up.

She couldn't make it
since she's out of town for
the Preston family reunion.

Oh, I was invited
to that this year.

I was so bummed I had to work.

Parker was even gonna
drive me to the airport.

Well, hello there.

I spy a woman
with fantastic taste.

Well, I have been called
the Coco Chanel
of dairy farms.

Welcome to
Esther's bridal pop up.

Shop with confidence,
knowing we have
a 90-day return policy.

With proof of divorce.

Wow, that's a solid
sales pitch.

When'd you take over
the video store?

I know the owner,
he said I could keep
all the dresses in there

until they get a customer.

Yeah, I think you're
gonna be here a while.

Oh, this one's pretty.

Of course it is.

All my wedding dresses
make the bride
feel like a princess.

[gasps]
Why don't you try one on?

Oh, I couldn't possibly...

Okay. Suit yourself.

That was just being polite.
Mama wants to feel
like a princess.

Wonderful. You are getting
married, right?

Yes, of course I'm getting
married to a wonderful man.

Congratulations.

What's the name
of this wonderful man?

His name is...

Wonderman.
Manny Wonderman.

Oh, what's Manny look like?

Oh, Manny!

He's got green hair
and his beard is patchy
in all the right places.

He's big into capes,
and he broke his stomach.

So his midsection
is in a cast.

Well, there's a lid
for every pot.

Apparently.

Yes!

I can't wait
to say our vows in a...

marriage building.

-Do you mean chapel?
-Yes!

I'm just so excited about
my very real nuptials
that I'm forgetting my words.

But lucky for me, Manny
is a dictionary salesman.

Well, then allow me
to lead you
to our clearance options.

Yep. That's fair.

If I'm gonna sign off
on your marriage license,

I need to make
sure you're ready.

First and foremost,
marriage is a test
of endurance.

Therefore, you will have
to pass a test of endurance.

What's that supposed to mean?

Don't worry, son.

It's all gonna make sense.

Well, this doesn't make
any sense!

You're gonna have to prove
that you have the endurance

for this lifelong commitment.

Mrs. Marshal and I have
been married for 20 years.

In case she's behind me,

I've loved every minute of it!

Do you and Mrs. The Marshal
need someone to talk to?

Come on, Parker!

It's time to double Dutch
to the death.

Don't you mean
until the marriage?

Whatever. Get on in there.

Do I have to do this for long?
I had a big lunch.

Again?

He never listens!
I keep telling him
he has a tiny tummy!

I'm hearing a lot of excuses.

But not a lot of singing.

Let's do the song.

♪ In Dusty Tush
we really let loose ♪

♪ You can pick our pick
our apples but don't drink
our juice ♪

♪ Our town was built
on a garbage dump ♪

♪ Now clap your hands
and jump, jump, jump ♪

Again!

But turn around and point
that tiny tummy away from me.

Bill, welcome to the campsite
for a mock cattle drive.

After leading the herd
hundreds of pretend miles,

we're hunkering down
for the pretend night

Wait, If we're only pretending
it's night,

then why is it so dark out?

Open your eyes, Jake.

Oh, you're right.

Nighttime! Daytime!
Nighttime! Daytime!

He does this every night
with the lamps.

Okay, I'm gonna go rustle us
up some grub.

I know on a real cattle drive,
you heat these up over a fire,

but I'm not allowed
to start one because...

Well, you get it.

Wait. is she using
the microwave?

Just be thankful.

Plan A was blowtorch.

-But she's not putting
the can in the...
-[expl*si*n]

When cowboys make beans
in a microwave,

do they take them out
of the can first?

It's a good thing
it's night time,
because Lou would be so mad.

Jake, your eyes
are closed again.

[screams]
What happened to Winnie?

This is step two
in getting your license.

You see, marriage is also
a test of humility.

Therefore, you must pass
this test of humility.

Is the humbling part

that I'm wearing
a daisy boutonniere?

Because I would never!

This isn't the whole test.

You're gonna pummel him
with pies?

Of course not!

You are!

Twenty-five pies
to be exact.

That's how many it takes
for the humility to set in.

I don't want
to do this to you,
especially because

you're having such
a great hair day.

First off, thank you.

It's a new mousse.

Secondly, you have to know,
Noah, please!

This is the only way
that Victoria and I
can get married in this town.

And I'd rather it be you
than a weird stranger
who loves throwing pies.

Okay, then. For duty.

Ha.

You said doody.

[The Marshal] Ooh,
good shot!

Forgive me!

You know,
for a guy who's never hit

a single person
during dodgeball,
your accuracy is incredible.

I feel like a princess
who has never once
bare handed a cow pipe.

It's gorgeous.

Kind of like the last


One of which you made me
hold up while you used
the restroom.

Well, I have to find
the perfect one.

So if I have
to try on 100 dresses
and look stunningly gorgeous

every single time, well,
that's a sacrifice

we're both gonna
have to make Esther.

You know, most brides bring

their bridal party along
to get opinions.

It's weird you didn't even
bring a maid of honor.

It's also weird
that you grabbed
cow poop with your hands.

Well, I would've brought
my maid of honor,

but she's working right there,
but I'm sure
she'll take a break

if I tell her to,
she has to do what I say.

I'm the bride, right?

-Are you asking me?
-No, I'm the bride.

Maid of honor
get over here with the bride
who is me needs you!

Let me guess, you wanted
to try on wedding dresses
to feel like a princess,

but had to pretend
you're getting married.

and now you need me
to help you keep up the lie?

[gasps] No!

I prefer the term
"tasteful ruse."

You're my maid of honor.
Play along and I'll let you

have access
to the working life jackets.

They exist?
The rumors are true?

Of course, bride!

I can't wait to help you
get ready for your big day!

-Who's the groom?
-Manny Wonderman.

He's a caped
dictionary salesman
in a belly cast.

Aww. I'd love that for you!

Is this is the last challenge?

I'm getting hungry.
I could do like a big snack.

Let me live my life, Noah!

Marriage is a balancing act.

If you want me
to grant you your licence,

you'll have
to balance on this board.

Well, that's pretty
on the nose.

Sometimes in marriage,
you have to say
exactly what you want.

Or you end up getting
a lava lamp
for your birthday!

Six years in a row!

And what's this metal stuff?

Electrified chicken wire!

Duh!

So if we fall, we get zapped?
Why?

To teach you that it is
shocking how hard it is
to keep a marriage together.

I feel like you're really
straining this metaphor!

And why am I
a part of this test?

This is what you signed up for
when you agreed
to be best man.

It is?

I thought I was just gonna
give a speech at the wedding,

make it mostly about me,
and then start the hora.

Okay, the electricity
is a little scary,

but it's not actually
that hard to balance
on this thing.

That's because we haven't
started the line dancing!

Let me guess.
After the wedding,

we're gonna have to dance
around each other's feelings?

No, I just thought
it'd be fun.

Jeez, you're a real glass,
half empty kind of guy
when it comes to marriage.

I'm going to do this with you,
but my best man's speech

gets to include a slide show.

[♪ upbeat country music
playing]

Five, six, seven, eight!

It's not so bad.

I do worse for love.

Woah! She's not worth it!
Get me off of here!

Keep it together, man!

[♪ music continues]

Come on, Winnie, get in,
so Bill can pretend
to round us up.

By the way, it's me, Jake.
Not a cow.

I'm not getting
in that costume.

Fine. I'll be the cow butt.

Even though we both know
I'm a way better moo-er.

No, Jake,

I don't wanna do the costume
because I feel like
we're gonna mess it up

like everything else
we've done today.

Yeah. Maybe setting up
a fake cattle drive
was a bad idea.

Wait. That's it.

A fake cattle drive
was a bad idea.

We need to set up
a real cattle drive.

But how?

If we let all the cows out,

then we'll get to drive them
back into the corral.

It's not a month long trip,
but it's better than
everything else we tried.

That's a great idea, Winnie.

I totally support you.

Why were you so supportive?

I'm a people pleaser!

[♪ upbeat country music
playing]

You know what?
It's not so bad.

Yes. Parker, you found
that nice wedding groove

And now your mother in law
comes to live with you,

and she refuses
to eat anything
but microwaved fish!

[♪ music speeds up]

Annoying, isn't it?

Just like when someone puts
the empty creamer
back in the fridge?

But, hey, you put up with it
because she let
your jam band practice

in the garage on Thursdays!

[screams]

I can smell my burning flesh!

Oh, no, I'm fine.

Hey,
the wire isn't electrified?

Of course not!

The jumper cables
aren't even hooked up
to anything.

Do you have any idea
how electricity works?

No. All of the camp's
appliances
are run by hamsters.

And what does any of this
have to do with getting
a marriage license?

Why would you trick us
like this?

Because you hurt my feelings!

What are you talking about?

None of this has to do
with getting
a marriage license.

I had to hear about
your engagement through
the Dusty Tush grapevine.

By the time the news
got to me, I heard

you were marrying Vik
from the general store.

Vik? You thought Parker
could snag a catch like Vik?

Bro's got kind eyes
and a 720 credit score!

The point is,
I should have heard
such important news

from two guys
I thought were my friends.

I'm gonna go jingle out
a cathartic tambourine solo
about this trauma!

I feel terrible.

Me too.

Yeah, but for the record,
Vik would be lucky to have me.

Sure, tiny tummy.

Hey, guys, where are you?

Come on,
let's hear that moo

you've been bragging
about, Jake.

Hmm, gate's open.

That's weird.

Hmm. Cows are gone. Weirder.

Oh, no,
this looks like a stampede!

I hope Winnie
and Jake are okay.

You couldn't just be
the cow butt, could you?

Not the time!

I better go find them.

This is going to take
every skill
I have as a tracker,

[Winnie and Jake screaming]

Or I could just
follow the screams.

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I am totally
an egg salad girly!

Good thing you only had
to hoover three
multi-tiered sandwich trays

to discover
that about yourself!

Lou, you are a vision.

You're gonna blow
Danny's cape off.

-Manny.
-[mouthful] Whatever.

I think this might be the one.

-Thank goodness.
-But I won't know for sure
until I try on the rest.

-Next dress!
-There aren't any!

You've tried on everything,
so it's finally time
to buy one.

Ah...

Well, unfortunately,
none of them made me
look my best.

After each one,
you said you looked like

-a radiant, enchanted goddess.
-And that's the problem.

It's going
to be a secular wedding.

After hanging around all day,

you'd better have
a real reason
for not buying a dress.

And I do.

Maid of honor,
a little help?

You know what?
I've had my fun here.

I know what this is.

Everyone loves
wedding dresses.

So they come in here
and lie about getting married
just to try them all on.

How dare you?

I have never heard of such
ridiculousness
in all of my engaged life.

I am sick of you fake brides
wasting my time!

I am charging you 50 bucks
for the dry cleaning
on every dress.

Uh... That's gonna be a lot.

Plus my grocery bill

for all the snacks
your "maid of honor" inhaled!

Oh, you can talk
to Destiny about that.

I'll take you straight to her.
Our circle of trust
is very broken!

I knew you were lying
from the start.

A ridiculous man
with the green hair,

cape, mid-section cast
you described

never existed.

There's no one in the world
who meets that description.

-Oh, my gosh, you're real?
-Oh, my gosh, you're real?

I mean, of course, he's real!

I was definitely
gonna buy this dress.

But now that Manny's
seen me in it,

our union is cursed
and our wedding is off.

You'll get your dress back
when my life
isn't in shambles!

We could have really
been something great,
Manny Wonderman.

When you see the word "love"
in the dictionary,
think of me fondly.

You landed
a real piece of work.

[♪ playing tambourine]

Straight fire!

The Marshal,
we're so glad you stayed.

Actually, I'm on my way out.

I got some sweet
tambo licks to lay down.

Look, we're so sorry
that neither one of us
told you about my wedding.

We are your friends
but we made a mistake.

Well, I admit
pretending I was gonna

electrocute you to death
might have been
a bridge too far.

Is there anything I can do
to make the whole
thing up to you?

There is one thing.

Do you and Victoria
have a jam band
lined up for the big...

You could be the officiant!

The officiant?

Oh, wow! What an honor!

Thank you so much, Parker.

Now I assume you want me
to incorporate my tambourine...

Let's not assume anything!

So how do Victoria and I
really get
our marriage license?

Oh, we tie
the license to a goat,

and you two have to track him
down before he eats it.

This still is a weird town.

Well, sounds like I'm gonna
have to carbo load.

Oh, no, you won't!

Thanks so much for saving us
before we were trampled, Bill.

Yeah, I can see why
Susie in Roadrunner cabin
has all those shrines to you.

Okay, where is
she getting the pictures?

I never posed for those!

And also I gotta know,
why did you let the cows out?

We just wanted to give you
a real cattle drive

after messing up everything
with our mark one.

Yeah. We really
Jake-ed things up today.

Oh, we definitely
Jake-ed things up.

Real good.

Wait a minute...

Jake-ed things up real well.

Okay, maybe the cattle drive
didn't go as planned.

But if this former
loner cowpoke
has learned one thing

after a couple
of summers at Kikiwaka,

it's that I can have fun
doing anything.

As long as I do it
with my best friends.

-Aww.
-Bill...

Now,

which one of my best friends
wants to tell Susie
I'm married to my work?

Why are you wearing
a wedding dress?

Uh, I believe the words
you're looking for are,

"why are you rocking
a wedding dress?"

Just Please tell me
you've got Victoria's.

I already have to tell her
that The Marshal
is officiating our wedding

and I do not need
more bad news.

Well, you're not
gonna like this.

I forgot.

What?
That's why you were there!

I just called off
my engagement!

Cut me some slack!

Okay, fine.

I'll go back and get it,
but my best man speech
gets to include a slide show.

Oh, man, it's gonna
be a five hour reception.

[♪ theme music playing]