06x01 - A Vacation from His Senses/The Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster/Dread Giveaway

[bunniefuu]

- [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, Garfield and Friends. [upbeat music]

- We're. - We're.

- Ready. - Ready.

- To. - To.

- [All] Party.

♪ We're ready to party, we're ready ♪

♪ I hope you bring lots of spaghetti ♪

- [Wade] I'm scared.

♪ Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and friends ♪

- Dancing. - Fiesta.

- Romancing. - Siesta.

- Samba. - La Bamba.

- [All] Ay caramba.

- Disguises. - Disguises.

- Surprises. - Surprises.

- And pies of. - And pies of.

- [All] All sizes.

♪ Come on in, come to the place where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and friends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party with Garfield and friends ♪

♪ Garfield and Friends

- [Garfield] Today's show is inspected

for your safety by Number 29.

[upbeat music]

[peaceful music] [barking]

What is it, Odie?

[grumbling]

Something awful has happened?

The TV is broken?

Worse, worse than that?

Jon's cooking a new recipe again?

[grumbling]

Worse than a new recipe?

Oh no.

Oh no, that means Jon is planning a vacation?

- [Odie] Mm-hmm.

- [Garfield] Let's get outta here.

Quick.

[fast tempo music]

We just have to stay under here for the rest of our lives.

[grumbling]

- There you are.

You know, if I didn't know better,

I'd say you guys were hiding from me.

- [Garfield] I guess we're all lucky you don't know better.

- I'm getting the car all packed for our vacation.

We'll leave in two hours and we'll have a wonderful time.

[groaning]

- [Garfield] We've gotta find a way to get Jon

to change his mind about this vacation.

- [TV Announcer] We interrupt this cartoon for a word

from the National Vacation Council.

Here with a vital word

for vacationers everywhere is Garfield Cat.

- [Garfield] Thank you.

The world is full of great travelers.

People who know where to go, how to get there,

what to pack, which places to eat.

And then there's Jon Arbuckle,

who's brought new meaning to the phrase,

can't we go home now?

Jon Arbuckle vacations, in a word, stink.

Except in winter, when they stink on ice.

But don't take my word for it.

I have slides.

Last year, first day of our vacation entering a long tunnel.

Second day of our vacation, leaving the long tunnel.

How Jon got lost in there, I'll never know.

Third day, Jon takes us 718 miles out of our way

to see the world's second biggest ball of dental floss.

Next day, Jon stops in a crummy motel for the night.

Finding c*ck in the room,

Jon storms down to the lobby to complain to the manager,

only to suddenly change his mind at the last minute.

Next day, here's Jon's idea of an uncrowded beach.

Every time I look at this shot,

I get the urge to find Waldo.

Next day, or maybe next week, I really don't care by then,

Jon has trouble locating off-ramp for Orlando, Florida.

Nearby penguins and glaciers suggest

he may have strayed a bit from the interstate.

I have 38 more trays of this stuff,

but I think I've already made my point.

A Jon Arbuckle vacation is a frightening thing.

We hope you enjoyed the slides.

Personally, I found them interesting, enlightening,

and a great way to save money on animation.

We now rejoin our cartoon right where we left off.

I have an idea, Ode.

It's a long shot, but we are desperate.

Here, in this video store.

These are self-help videos.

How to Be Your Own Best Friend and Loan Yourself Money.

Aerobics for People Named Murray.

Ah, here's one that might do it.

- [Odie] Hm?

- [Garfield] Vacationing: A Waste of Time.

And it's by a doctor and everything.

Let's go.

♪ Off we go

♪ Leaving on vacation

♪ Where we'll go

♪ Don't have a clue

Woo hoo.

♪ First we'll stop off at the service station ♪

♪ Then hit Highway 92

Yeah.

- Wasting your time on another useless vacation?

- Huh?

- Vacations are for people who never

want to amount to anything in life.

Are you such a person?

- No.

- The two weeks you spend lying on a beach somewhere,

you could invest in fixing up your house,

bettering your mind, or improving your life.

- Hey, this man is right.

Forget the vacation.

[giggling]

I'm going to use these two weeks for something constructive.

- [Garfield] Congrats, Ode,

we got out of another Arbuckle vacation.

Happy?

- [Odie] Mm-hmm.

[chuckling]

- [Garfield] So am I.

- Okay, after you get the soil turned over,

we'll put the first coat of paint on the living room,

and then we have the new fence to build.

Wait, before the new fence,

let's get the hedges trimmed and the car waxed.

[teeth chattering]

Look at all we're getting done.

Wasn't this a great idea skipping our vacation?

I'm so glad that videotape turned up.

I'll watch it as I iron.

[panting]

- [Garfield] Odie, whose knuckleheaded, idiotic,

yogurt-for-brains idea was it to talk Jon out of a vacation?

[grunting]

Seemed like a good idea at the time.

Well, I can't take this anymore.

He's had us sweating and digging and hammering

and working our paws to the fur for almost 10 minutes now.

I'd even settle for an Arbuckle vacation instead of this.

- Of course, one must remember that too much work

can have adverse effects.

Sometimes, people experience delusions.

Seeing things that aren't there due to overwork.

Should that happen, perhaps you really do need a vacation.

- No need to worry about that.

I'm never vacationing again.

- [Garfield] Wanna bet?

[squelching] [upbeat music]

- This no vacation idea is so great, I think I...

Oh hi, Odie.

Nice new light bulb you've got there, fella.

[barking]

New light bulb?

[eerie tones]

Yow.

Oof.

Garfield, Odie.

- [Garfield] Big spider here, yoo-hoo.

[screaming]

Yeah I know, cruel stuff.

But a cat's gotta do what a cat's gotta do.

- Maybe if I splash some cold water on my face.

[screaming]

Why is there a zebra in my bathtub?

- [Garfield] 'Cause if he takes a shower,

his stripes might run.

Want one?

- Raisins?

Garfield eating raisins?

I gotta get in bed.

Zebras, dogs with light bulbs on their heads,

Garfield eating raisins, what's next?

♪ Oh we're the ants who ruin your dinner ♪

♪ We're always here to mess up any day ♪

♪ When we're around every camper gets thinner ♪

♪ 'Cause if we get the chance, we will take ♪

- Characters from last season's show.

No.

Garfield, there are ants in my room.

- [Garfield] What ants?

- And a zebra in the bathtub.

- [Garfield] What zebra?

[gasping]

- Everything's going wacko around me,

but if it isn't them, it's me.

And me is someone who's working too hard.

That's it, I need a vacation.

I need a vacation.

Pack the bags, pack the zebra, pack anything beginning

with the letter R, I don't care,

let's just get outta here and go on vacation.

- [Garfield] Well, we did it, boy.

Jon's taking us on a vacation.

[groaning]

You're worried where he's gonna take us?

Well don't worry.

It couldn't possibly be worse

than staying here for two weeks working.

- It's the world's third biggest ball

of gum wrappers, all spearmint.

Wasn't this worth an extra 2,000 mile drive out of our way?

[growling]

- [Garfield] Okay, so I was wrong.

[pleasant music]

I can't sleep.

I can't sleep.

I wish I could get to sleep.

- Howdy.

- [Garfield] Who are you?

- I'm the Sand Person.

I help folks get to sleep.

- [Garfield] Really?

- Uh-huh.

A few sprinkles of my magic sand and it's nighty-night time.

- [Garfield] Great.

Lay it on me.

- Let's go, Charlie.

[melancholic tones]

- [Garfield] Well, it did get dark all of a sudden.

[upbeat music]

- Left, right, left, right, left, right.

- Hey, Orson, what's that scary castle up there?

- Oh, that's the castle of Dr. Karloffis Boar,

the mad scientist.

- [Booker And Sheldon] How mad is he?

- He's so mad, he spent 10 years trying to cure his cat

of measles before he found out it was a leopard.

[symbols crashing]

- Oo, that's pretty mad.

Let's stay away from him, huh?

[thunder crackling]

[electricity zapping] [beeping]

[chuckling]

- Speak, my creation.

Speak.

- Duh, duh.

Duh, two plus two is 17.

D-O-G, cat.

- My robot is still stupid.

- [Robot] New York is the capital of Paris.

[wall crashing]

[water bubbling]

- Left, right, left, right.

- [Sheldon] Orson, I'm bored.

- Me too.

I wanna go home.

- Guys, look at this wonderful forest

and all the things there are to see.

There are lakes and trees and flowers and birds

and fish and the weasel from last season's show

who keeps trying to eat all our chickens and the sky

and butterflies and the squirrels and...

Hold on a sec.

Flowers, birds, butterflies...

Guys, did I mention something about the weasel

from last season's show who keeps trying

to eat all our chickens?

- [Sheldon] Uh-huh.

- Yeah, right between the fish and the sky.

- That's what I thought.

- [All] The weasel.

[exciting music]

[grunting]

- Well now.

Looks like I've got me some prisoners.

- Just what do you think you're doing?

- My card.

- The Weasel from Last Season's Shows

Who Keeps Trying to Eat All Our Chickens.

You see, I told you.

- It happens that I'm on my way to the farmyard

to engage in a little chicken eating.

Ciao.

- You won't get away with this.

That weasel is the slimiest,

most sinister creature in the woods.

- True.

But doesn't he have a nice business card?

[grumbling]

- Why so perturbed, Roy?

- Look at this.

Page seven of the script

and they finally got Roy and Wade into it.

- The Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster.

Roy, is this episode really called

The Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster?

- Let me check.

Yep.

- An incredibly stupid swamp monster?

- Wade, we haven't even seen him yet.

- He's on the title card.

That's good enough for me.

Help, help.

Incredibly stupid swamp monster.

Help, oh help.

- I'm gonna call my agent.

Page seven indeed.

- Help, incredibly stupid swamp monster.

Incredibly stupid swamp monster, with good billing, help.

[screeching]

Hey, are you an incredibly stupid swamp monster?

- No, are you?

My card.

[mumbling]

- Oh, I remember you from last season.

- Of course, last season I didn't get me any chickens.

This year, it'll be different.

[groaning]

- It's no use.

We'll never break these ropes.

We'll starve out here and the weasel will get the chickens.

- Oh, things couldn't get worse.

- [Sheldon] Don't say that, Booker.

- Why not?

- [Sheldon] Because, in a cartoon,

whenever you say things couldn't get worse,

things always get worse.

- How could things possibly be any worse, Sheldon?

- [Sheldon] Here comes a good example.

[rumbling]

- [All] A swamp monster.

- Nine plus nine is 99.

Columbus discovered bread.

C-A-T spells rhinoceros.

[chuckling]

- [All] An incredibly stupid swamp monster.

- Hi.

Can you untie us?

- No.

- No?

- But I can skip rope real good.

Watch.

♪ One, three, nine O'Leary

♪ Seven, 16, two O'Leary

♪ 3,152,000,365

- What is he?

- He's what we need to stop that weasel.

Come on.

- What do you mean this is the only show

you can get me on, Bernie?

Isn't Hanna-Barbara casting?

Well, how about cable?

I hear they're considering doing

a funny version of Ren and Stimpy.

- [Bernie] Roy, sweetie baby,

I submitted you for Little Mermaid.

They said you were...

[grunting]

- Struggle as you will, Rooster.

I'm gonna get me some chicken.

- Wade, Wade, are you all right?

Wade, it's me, Orson.

- Oh, Orson, you won't believe what I thought

for a minute this episode was titled.

I thought it was...

- [All] The Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster.

- You know, I knew he'd be along.

Well, bye again.

[grunting]

- Wade.

- He'll be all right.

We have to stop the weasel first.

- I shall dine on chickens tonight.

What is this?

- His card.

- Name, Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster.

He doesn't even have a fax number.

- Three and nine is alunumium.

- Yep, that's an incredibly stupid swamp monster all right.

- And I love to play with weasels.

- Uh-uh.

- I'm gonna hug you. - Oh no.

- I'm gonna pet you. - No, no, no.

- I'm gonna hug you some more. - No, no, no, let go of me.

Help.

- You're so soft.

I'm gonna stroke you. - No, help.

Let go of me.

Hey, pal, pal.

Help, save me from this incredibly stupid swamp monster.

Help.

- Wait, wait.

Aw.

My little friend rans'd away.

- We're all your friends, Swampy.

- [Sheldon] Yeah, all of us.

- Is it safe?

- Wade, meet our new friend,

the Incredibly Stupid Swamp Monster.

- I'm charmed.

- I'm Sagittarius, with my temperature rising.

- Let's all go in and have a meal

and celebrate our new friend.

- [Booker] Great idea.

- [Sheldon] Yeah.

- Wasn't there something we were supposed to do?

- Relax, Swampy, leave the thinking to us.

I never forget anything.

- [Roy] I'm gonna tell Bernie.

Two short scenes and then they put me in a bag.

Forget it.

I'm walking.

Or hopping.

Get me on a new show.

[upbeat music]

[plane engine roaring] [upbeat music]

- Jiffy Express Package Service, please hold.

- [Announcer] Those packages have to go out right away.

- I'll get right on them, sir.

Overnight letter to New York, four ounces.

Cute kitten to Abu Dhabi, six pounds.

Overnight package to Albuq...

Cute kitten?

- [Garfield] If you could stamp on there,

please bend and fold.

- Garfield.

- [Garfield] I just remembered I have a lasagna in the oven.

Bye.

- He's getting better.

Last time he tried to do this with carrier pigeons.

- [TV Announcer] So hurry and order today.

- [Nermal] This commercial seems to be taking a long time.

- This is what they call an infomercial.

It's a long commercial that looks like a show

but is really designed to sell something.

- [Nermal] Mm, Garfield's always trying to get rid of me.

Mail me places.

[yawning]

I'm surprised he hasn't tried one

of those infomercial things.

- [TV Announcer] Live from the Cute Kitten Clearing House

of America, it's The Great Nermal Cat Giveaway.

With your chance to own for yourself

one of the world's most disgustingly cute creatures.

No, your ears are not deceiving you.

For a limited time only, until we get rid

of the only one we have, you can have this repulsive beast

in your very own home.

And now here's your host for The Great Nermal Cat Giveaway,

the mastermind whose idea this was, Garfield Cat.

- [Garfield] Thank you, thank you.

[applause]

That's right, tonight, some unlucky viewer

will get this right in their own home.

Why are we making this incredible offer?

Is it an advertising stunt?

No.

Is it a goodwill gesture?

Certainly not.

There's only one reason we're giving Nermal away.

Tell 'em what it is, audience.

- [Audience] Because we don't want him.

- [Garfield] That's right.

But if, by some miracle, you do, here's how to get yours.

- [TV Announcer] Now is the chance of a lifetime.

If you've always wanted a nauseating little monster

wandering around your house, don't miss this opportunity

to own your very own Nermal Cat.

[applause]

You probably never thought it was possible, well it is.

Because for a limited time only,

like until we get rid of him, we're giving away Nermal Cat.

And the best part is the price.

He's absolutely free.

No sales tax, no postage, no handling, no delivery charges,

set up costs or fees of any sort.

You want him, you can have him.

And every Nermal Cat comes with this guarantee.

If you're not absolutely thrilled with this cat

after 30 days or 30 seconds, whichever comes first.

Plus your Nermal Cat is an alarm clock,

guaranteed to wake you in the rudest manner possible

every time you try to sleep.

- [Nermal] Hi, Garfield.

[screaming]

- [TV Announcer] Like most cats,

your Nermal will eat any kind of cat food

except the brand you bought him.

Remember, it'll be Christmas shopping time again

sometime this year or next year or the year after,

and what better way to say to someone,

"I really never liked you," than the gift of Nermal?

So don't delay.

We only have one, but believe us, one is plenty.

This is your chance to own the pet

that nine out of 10 people don't want either.

So pick up that phone and say those magic words.

I want Nermal Cat.

Some assembly required.

[speaking in foreign language]

- [Garfield] All right,

here's the chance you've been waiting for.

The phone lines are open.

First person to call gets Nermal.

Go to it.

You can call now, folks.

Operators are standing by.

[phone ringing] I'll get it, I'll get it.

Great Nermal Giveaway, where do you want him shipped?

Wha?

No, I do not wanna change my long distance company.

Hey, are you watching TV?

We're giving away Nerm-- [dial tone]

All right, since no one's calling,

looks like we'll have to sweeten the deal.

Tell 'em all about it.

- [TV Announcer] And now, for a limited time only,

whoever takes Nermal Cat off our hands

will also receive Odie.

That's right, this adorable puppy

with the oversized tongue and undersized brain can be yours

if you act now and get Nermal outta here.

Imagine the fun you'll have with your very own Odie.

You can kick him off the table.

You can throw the stick so he can fetch it.

You can kick him off the table again.

You can throw the stick so he can, well, you get the idea.

Your Odie comes complete with everything you see here,

batteries not included.

But don't delay, we only have one of these too.

Pick up the phone and call for your very own Odie.

This puppy void where prohibited.

[phones ringing]

- [Garfield] Oh boy.

- No, you have to take Nermal as well.

- [Female Operator] Sorry, we can't--

- [Garfield] Hello.

You wanna take Nermal off our hands?

No, you have to take the kitten to get the puppy.

Hello, hello?

[chattering]

Apparently, some people don't understand.

It's a package deal.

In order to get Odie, you have to take Nermal too.

One of you must want Nermal.

[upbeat music]

We'll throw in a new car.

Take Nermal and you can have Odie and a car.

Nothing, huh?

How about if we throw in $100,000 in cash

and the Klopman Diamond?

[snoring]

Forget it.

I can't even give you away, Nermal.

- [Nermal] Nobody wants me?

[screaming]

- Huh?

Oh, Nermal.

Nermal, you were having a bad dream.

- [Nermal] I was?

- Don't be afraid.

You're safe and everything's all right.

And we love you here.

Well, some of us do.

- [Nermal] He's right.

I'm the cutest kitten in the world

and people everywhere love cute kittens.

I'll go wake Garfield up and tell him.

- I wonder what kind of nightmare Nermal had.

I guess watching all these [yawning] infomercials

can make anyone doze off.

- [TV Announcer] He can't cook.

He can't get a date.

He's Jon Arbuckle and we're giving him away absolutely free.

In fact, we'll pay you to take him.

- [Nermal] And then I dreamed that you threw in a new car

and thousands of dollars, but still no one wanted me.

- [Garfield] Sounds about right.

- [Nermal] But then I realized it was just a bad dream

and it never could happen.

- [Garfield] Someone would have to be pretty stupid

to believe something like that.

- No, don't give me away, Garfield, stop the commercial.

Don't give me away, help.

- [Garfield] See what I mean?

Now scram, leave me alone.

Giving Nermal away on a TV commercial?

Not a bad idea.

[snoring] [harp tones]

- [TV Announcer] Yes, response to our last offer

was so great, we're making it again.

We have Nermal Cats to give away.

- [Garfield] Cats?

Plural?

- [TV Announcer] And this time, we have over half a million

of 'em to move outta here.

[screaming]

And they're all staying at Garfield's house

till we give 'em all away.

- [Garfield] Please, you gotta take 'em off our hands.

Please. Take two, they're small.

Take 'em, please. You gotta.

I'll be your best friend. Come on, please.

[upbeat music]