03x05 - The Play's the Thing

[bunniefuu]

-[SNORING].

-Psst.

Bobby, get up.

We got to get
ready for the show.
-Huh?

Whoa.

Yeah, I got to get
ready for the show.
Just take a second.

-Do you know what?

I think that this
show-- and maybe it's
just me-- is, is
always exciting when
it's about a family member.

No, I take that back.

I think it's more exciting when
it's about a family member.
You know something?

I bet you that this is
Kelly's first pageant.
-What?

Howie, you mean
the show you want
me to get ready for
is Kelly's pageant?
-Yeah.

-Then, can I go back to bed now?

It's not that I
don't like pageants.
It's just that I
don't know what it is.
[THEME MUSIC]

-Perfect, nobody's home.

-[INAUDIBLE].

-It's so dark in here.

-Oh, Howard, Ansel
Adams you're not.
Oh, Bobby, that's icky.

-I make one heck of a
good looking grandma.
Little Red Riding
will never know
I'm really the wolf in disguise.

[KNOCKING]

Who is it?

KELLY: It is me, Grandma,
Little Red Riding Hood.
-Come-- [HIGH-PITCHED
VOICE] Come in, my dear.
I've been waiting for you.

[APPLAUSE]

-That's Kelly!

MARTHA: Bobby, hush.

-Ooh, it sure is dark
in here, Grandma.
-Come a little closer my dear.

-Kelly, that's not Grandma.

It's the wolf!

[LAUGHTER]

MARTHA: Bobby.

-Eek.

My, what big teeth you have.

-The better to eat you with.

-That's the wolf, stupid.

You leave my sister alone.

You leave my sister alone.

-Uh-oh.

Give me a minute
here, would you?
-But Captain Squash,
we have to save Kelly.
-I have a bad feeling
about this, Bobby.
Let me consult the
Captain Squash Manual.
Things Captain
Squash is afraid of.
Monsters?

No problem.

Ghosts?

A little nervous about.

Wolves?

Really, really scared of.

-Are you two finished because
this is the point in the story
where I'm supposed
to eat somebody?
HANSEL: Help.

Help.

-Help.

-We're Hansel.

-And Gretel.

You have to save us before
our wicked stepmother
turns us into
gingerbread cookies.
-Gee, I'd like to help you , but
I have to save my sister first.
-Excuse me, have you
ever heard of toothpaste?
-Here I come, Kelly.

What's that?

-Here's Jacky.

I'm the guy from the beanstalk,
and I got a giant after me.
You know what I mean?

-Fo-fee-fi-thumb, I'm smelling
the blood of an Englishman.
-Help.

-Ah!

-It's OK, I've got
it under control.
Sorry, no Englishman,
only Frenchman in here.
Listen.

Everybody--

-[IN UNISON] Frere Jacques.

Frere Jacques
Dormez-vous, Dormez-vous.
-I'll be back.

-Good work, Bobby.

He's gone.

[CHEERS]

-And now I'm going
to save my sister.
-Bobby, for corn's
sake, put a sock in it.
People are trying to watch
the play, don't you know?
-I'm coming, Kelly!

-Howard, I-- I think
we ought to go.
-But it's the best part.

Oh.

-Mr., help my sister!

You saw, it's the wolf.

-Ugh, this is like
so embarrassing.
-All right, Bobby.

Do you remember what I told you?

-This is just a gee-golly play?

-That's right, honey.

And do you remember what else?

The wolf's not really a wolf.

-Right.

MARTHA: He's an
actor playing a wolf.
-Right.

-So you ready to meet him now?

-No.

-Oh, come on, don't
be scared, Bob-O. This
is just Freddie, a
boy in Kelly's class.
Freddie, take off your head and
show Bob-O who you really are.
See?

What did I tell you?

-The fact that wolf
can take his head off
is supposed to make
me feel better?
Hi-ya, boy.

Just checking.

RUTH: Who's done there?

-It's just us, Aunt Ruth.

-Oh, the poor thing.

Sick in bed with the
sniffles, don't you know?
Hey, why don't one
of you kids go up
and see if she needs anything?

-Well, you heard mom.

-You heard mom, dweeb.

You go.

-Why don't you go?

Or-- or Kelly?

-Well, oh, like you're here
favorite nephew, right?
-Well, yeah.

I guess I am.

I think this is what Dad calls
wasting yourself on your own
[INAUDIBLE].

Well, whatever that is.

Uh-oh.

Aunt Ruth?

Are-- are you here?

RUTH: Over here, Bobby.

I've been waiting for you.

-What, what-- what
big eyes you have.
And what big whiskers you have.

And what-- what
big teeth you have.
You're not Aunt Ruth,
you're the wolf.
Ah!

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy,
Mommy, he followed us home.
He followed us home.

-There now, hun.

What is all this fuss
[INAUDIBLE] about?
-Take of her head
and she who she is.
-Take off whose head, Bobby?

-Aunt Ruth.

I mean, the wolf.

I mean, Aunt Ruth.

Wolf.

Aunt Ruth.

The wolf.

-No no, Bobby, wolves
are make believe.
Aunt Ruth is real.

-Yeah, real scary.

-Hey, don't tell anybody else,
Bob-O, but she scares me, too.
-Oh, this is worse
than I thought.
I'm afraid we're going
to be having more
of those gee-golly
nightmares again, Howard.
-Oh, no.

Not again.

We have to do something, Martha.

But-- but what?

-You got to show him what
make believe is all about.
-Well, that's it, by golly.

Aren't you in charge
of the Elephant
Lodge Talent Show, Ted?

-Yeah.

-And didn't you write a
little play show for it?
-Yeah.

But we're not talking about me.

You know, we're talking about--
oh, I see where you're going.
You mean, I-- if I put Bobby.

-Uh-huh, uh-huh, bingo.

-How would you like to be
an actor in my play, Bob-O?
-An actor?

Wow, that would be
great, Uncle Ted.
But what I'd really
like to do is direct.
-OK, that's a keeper.

Thank you, ladies.

Next.

-How about me, Uncle Ted?

I can sing now.

-No, no, Bob-O. I told
you, you're in the play.
You're in.
You're in.
You got the role.

These people are trying
out for the variety show.
Next.

No, the bowling alley's
downstairs, fellows.
Well, that's it for
the variety acts.
So what do you say, Bobby?

You want to rehearse the play?

-Oh, boy.

-Ted, I don't know about
this part you gave me.
-Uh, Howard, now remember,
we're doing this for Bobby.
-Hope we're not doing
this for very long.
I'm losing valuable
skateboard time.
-People, people, focus.

Come on, let's be
professional here.
Kelly, take your first
line from right over there.
-Yeah, OK.

TED: Go on, Kelly.

Say your first line.

-Look, I don't get it, OK?

What's my motivation
for saying, who
is that knocking at the door?

-Uh, right you are.

Let's see.

Bob-O, go over there and,
uh, knock on the door.
-I don't see a door.

-All right then, pretend.

-Knock, knock, knock.

Psst, Kelly.

That was your
[INAUDIBLE], or something.
-Excuse me, I know, Bobby.

But you know, I was
thinking, Uncle Ted.
Wouldn't it be better if you
just rang the bell instead?
-I don't know.

Maybe.

Uh--

-Oh, no.

Bobby couldn't reach the bell.

-Well, he could if he jumped.

-You're on to something.

-Where is the bell?

I don't see a bell.

-OK, OK.

I think we've rehearsed
enough for the first day.
Good work, everybody.

---jump.

If he would have just let him
jump, it would have worked.
-Oh, no.

He's just-- I don't want--

-Bobby.

-Bobby, that's my name.

-Oh, I have a
special job for you.
-Can I sing?

-No, it's better.

You're going to sell tickets.

-No thanks.

-Oh, come on, Bob-O.
It's part of the theater.
Pitching in, helping out,
being a real trooper.
-A real trooper!

OK there, buddy.

Where's the fire?

You were going so fast you
broke the sound barrier.
Yeah, that kind of thing
can't go unpunished.
I'm going to have
to give you two
tickets to my family's play.

And if you do it
again, you're going
to have to marry my sister.

-Way to go, Bob-O. I knew
I could count on you.
-A good product at a good price,
that's the secret of selling.
-Yeah, I guess.

But it doesn't hurt to
be adorable, either.
-That's it, become the tree.

Feel the breeze
in your branches.
Feel the bark on your limbs.

-What's going on?

-Oh, it's an improv, Bobby.

We're pretending to be trees.

OK, trees, now here
comes the wind.
-I'd rather sing.

-Maybe later, Bob-O. But
right now, think tree.
Feel tree.

Be tree.

-OK, I'll try it.

I'm a tree.

I'm a tree.

I'm a tree-- blind mice.

Tree blind mice.

TED: OK, Bobby.

Thank you.

-I'm a tree.

I'm a tree.

I'm a little tree--
pot, short and stout.
Here is my handle
and here is my--
TED: Bobby, trees don't sing.

-Uh-oh.

Am I in trouble?

-Nah.

Never mind the tree stuff.

Hey, how'd you do
with the tickets.
-I sold them all.

-Way to go, Bob-O. With all
those people coming to see you,
you're going to be a big star.

-I'm going to be a big star.

-All right, now please
give it up for Bobby.
-Thank you.

Thank you.

-I'm glad you stopped by, Bobby.

So tell me, what have
you been up to lately.
-Well, been doing a
Saturday morning cartoon
show based on my life.

And I just made a movie
with that fabulous actor,
Howie Mandel.

-Great.

Did you bring us a clip?

-I did.

But wouldn't you rather
hear me sing first?
-Um, no thanks.

OK, here's a clip of Bobby
in "Who k*lled [INAUDIBLE]."
-No, Arsenio.

It's called, "Who Left
[INAUDIBLE] in the Dust.
-Kick it, Sandy.

BOBBY: I play Beau.

-No.

Jump, Beau.

Jump.

-You saved my life.

-I think this is the beginning
of a beautiful relationship.
Beau.

[APPLAUSE]

-Yeah, but first you got
to do something else.
You got to learn your lines.

-Learn my lines?

TED: I'd like to
welcome all of you
to this year's Elephant
Lodge Annual talent show.
Our first act tonight is the
world's greatest hypnotist.
So let's give a rousing
Elephant welcome to Mesmer
the Magnificent.

[APPLAUSE]

-Thank you very much.

In order to
demonstrate my powers,
I'll need a volunteer
from the audience.
A stranger, an absolute
total stranger.
How about you, Aunt Ruth?

You're getting sleepy, sleepy.

-It's not working.

-You're asleep.

Very good, Aunt Ruth.

Now, when you hear a bell, you
will think you are a chicken.
-[CLUCKING].

-Better bring her back
before she lays an egg.
When I snap my fingers, you'll
wake up happy and refreshed
and have no memory of anything
that has happened here.
-Well, I told you
it wouldn't work.
-And there, that's got it.

Oh.

Howard, you look just like
your mother, don't you know.
-That's it.

That's it.

I'm not wearing
this silly costume.
Oh, don't be a
sore sport, Howard.
Remember, we're
doing this for Bobby.
Where is Bobby?

-No Bobbys here,
just us villains.
-Oh, Howard, look
how cute he is.
Let's take pictures.

-I'll take them, but
I won't be in them.
Derek, come on out here.

DEREK: No way, no how, not ever.

-Well, If I can do it,
young man, you can do it.
Now, get out here.

MARTHA: Oh, Derek.

Don't you look nice now.

-Hello.

Coming through.

-OK, scenery.

-Watch your backs.

-Fire-eater at 10 o'clock.

-Roger.

-No, Roger had to stay home.

-Having a good time, Bob-O?

-You bet.

When's it my turn?

-Right after intermission.

-And when's intermission?

-Right now.

-Gadzooks.

-Can I have a soda, please?

-Here, Have some
lentil soup instead.
It's more nourishing.

TED: Hey, everybody.

Take your seats.

The second act is
about to start.
-[CLUCKING].

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Pull it.

-I'm pulling.

-Like a sailor.

-Ay, ay, skipper.

-Dear, Granny.

Dear, Daughter Henrietta, look.

Our flower is blooming.

Derek.

-I hate this.

Yes.

'Tis the first day of spring.

[SLEIGH BELLS RINGING]

-I said spring.

-Oh, jeez.

-I take responsibility.

-My fault.

-My fault.

-No, no.

-Entirely.

[KNOCKING]

-Like who is it?

BOBBY: It is Horace,
the handsome hero.
-We're saved.

BOY: That's not Horace, lady.

That's the evil villain.

-Wait.

I'm not really a villain.

I'm Bobby.

See?

It's make believe.

BOY: Oh, I get it.

-Right.

I must be a pretty good actor.

I have found you
out, fair Henrietta.
You're coming with me.

-Oh, gee-golly, Howard.

Isn't he cute?

-I'm not cute.

I'm scary.

-Oh, right.

This will clean you up nice.

-Why do moms do that?

You're mine now.

-Yeah, like in your dreams.

[APPLAUSE]

-Marry moi or die.

Which will it be?

-Like, I'm thinking it over, OK?

-Fear not, Henrietta, for
I am coming to save you.
Whoa!

Oh, that's a sprain.

-Oh, what happened to Uncle Ted?

-He's sitting on the band?

-Ugh.

Like, what are we
going to do now?
-Now, I will sing a song.

[APPLAUSE]

-[SINGING] To be an animal would
be better than being a boy.
Just the thought of it,
it fills me with joy.
There's so many reasons,
so hard to resist,
is the main reason at
the top of my list.
Animals don't wear underpants.

-We love to roam free.

-[SINGING] They have nothing
on above their knees.
I always have to
change my underpants.
Well, maybe once a week.

Oh, if only was an animal with
my two free, little cheeks.
Animals don't wear underpants.

-We love to run free.

-[SINGING] They have
nothing on above their knee.
Animals don't have to change
a thing just to stay clean.
The only embarrassing
thing about no underpants
is everything is seen.

-Oh my.

-[SINGING] But
I'm not an animal.
You can tell that with ease.

I guess I'll spend the rest
of my life and be [INAUDIBLE].
[APPLAUSE]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-So Bobby, what do you
think of plays now?
-They're really fun.

Can we go and see
Kelly's play again?
-Well, if you're sure you
understand about make believe.
-I do.

I do.

KELLY: Ooh, what
big eyes you have.
-The better to see you with.

-My, what big whiskers you have.

BOBBY: Kelly,
that's not Grandma.
It's the wolf.

-Here we go again.

-I told you I was a
pretty good actor.
-[CLUCKING].

-I thought my acting in
today's show was great.
-Bobby, you're right.

You know, there was
one scene in the show.
I don't remember
exactly what it was,
but I think I actually cried.

-Well, do you-- you think I'll
win an Emmy for this show?
-Yeah.

-Well then, well then, I'd
like to thank the Academy.
And my manager, Mike.

And Ginny McSwain and
everybody at Film Roman.
And Gary Conrad.

HOWIE: Uh, Bobby.

-And the cast and the crew.

This is such an honor.

-You, uh-- you haven't
won anything yet.
-Oh.

Then, goodbye.

[THEME MUSIC]