03x10 - Baby Brother Blues

[bunniefuu]

-Ah, this is the
life isn't it, How?
-What, what do you mean?

-You know, having our
own show and everything.
Do people recognize
you when you go out?
-Yeah.

It's like, OK.

Yes.

Yes I do.

Yesterday as a matter of fact,
yesterday a lady comes up to me
and she goes, she says, aren't
you, aren't, aren't you,
wait a minute, aren't
you Howie Mandel?
And I said, yeah.

Which was neat, because
it was, it was my mom.
Do you get recognized?

-Well the other day,
when I was at a mall,
someone came up to me,
and they said, aren't you,
aren't you a cartoon?

[LAUGHING]

[THEME MUSIC]

-Did it come yet?

Did it?

Huh?

Huh?

Did it?

-Bobby.

Chill OK?

Like, really this
is not the time
to be worried about
some stupid game.
-It's not some stupid game.

It's a Captain Squash
limited edition
bestest video game ever.

-My wife's going to have a
baby any minute now, doctor.
I just know it.

Are you sure it isn't time for
us to come to the hospital?
-My Captain Squash game!

Yippee!

Uh.

Uh.

Dad!

Dad!

Dad, my Captain
Squash game is here.
Isn't that great?

-Well, no.

Not really.

Well nothing's happened since
the last time I called you.
No.

No.

She hasn't actually gone
into labor, but, but--
MARTHA: Hon, Hon, I feel a
little gee golly queasy is all.
-Did you hear that?

She feels gee golly queasy!

MARTHA: Oh, oh Howard.

Howard, relax.

Why don't you just hang up now,
and stop bothering the doctor.
-Bothering him?

How could you possibly
think I'm bothering him?
-Dad, you've called
the guy seven
times in the last 10 minutes.

-Uh.

Uh.

Derek, help.

-Not now, dweeb.

Here Mom.

I made you a snack, while you're
waiting for the baby to come.
Garlic tuna and pepperoni pizza.

-[GAGGING]

-Derek, get a grip.

Like what are you trying to
do, totally make Mom puke?
HOWIE: All right!

That's enough!

Hold it down you two.

Your mother is trying
to have a baby here.
-Uh.

Dad, can you help me get my--

HOWIE: Not now, Bobby.

I'm helping Mom out
with the laundry.
And I've got a
load in the dryer.
-OK.

Like, put your feet up, Mom.

OK?

And I'll get you like
um, a glass of water.
-Uh.

Kelly!

I need my Captain Squash game!

-Bobby, give it a break.

Quit bothering everybody
about your stupid game, OK?
-OK.

MARTHA: Uh oh.

There's that gee golly
queasiness again.
Um.

Can somebody get me a cr*cker?

-I got it, Mom.

-Derek!

I want my Captain Squash game!

Dad, I've been
waiting, and waiting,
and waiting for my Captain
Squash game and nobody will--
MARTHA: [BURP].

Oh, now wouldn't you
know, I got gee golly gas.
-Hey, don't you worry
about a thing, Martha.
You just concentrate
on having that baby.
I got everything under control.

-I don't know, Dad, this
sort of looks out of control.
-Like, how come everything's
so small and purple?
-Well, honey.

I think it was because your
farther washed everything
in hot, including Bobby's
costume from when he was
a grape in the school
play, don't you know.
BOBBY: Dad!

HOWIE: Not now, Bobby.

-Gadzooks.

Nobody's going to
help us, Webbly.
We're going to have
to rescue Captain
Squash all by ourselves.

Fear not, Captain Squash.

I, Sir Bobby, famous mountain
climber will save you.
CAPTAIN SQUASH: Did
you say Sir Bobby?
-That's my name. [LAUGHING]

-Hurry, Sir Bobby.

I'm trapped up here.

My incredibly impressive
super powers are useless.
They, along with most
of my magnificent body,
have been frozen by
the relentless cold
of this treacherous slope.

-Never fear, Captain Squash.

Ah.

Nothing should stop me.

Neither snow, ah!

Nor sleet, ah!

Nor, ah!

That dummy, Derek.

Nothing stops Sir Bobby
from his appointed rounds.
Oh no!

What's that?

Brace yourself, Webbly.

It's Big Foot!

-Help me, Bobby!

Help me!

I could break a leg here!

BOBBY: Stop!

Stop!

You're going to
hurt Captain Squash!
-Yeah.

Yeah, like I'm late
for a hair appointment,
and you want me
to worry that I'm
bothering a frozen zucchini?

Get real.

-Ah!

-Thanks, Bobby.

I needed that.

-No problem, Captain Squash.

HOWIE: Hold it right
there, young man.
Get down from there this minute.

-But Dad.

I was trying to get my
Captain Squash game.
-This is not a time
for games, son.
This is-- your mother is going
to have a baby any minute now.
-I'm tired of this baby.

I don't want to be around
this family anymore.
Come on, Webbly, Teddy.

Let them have their stupid baby.

We're gonna go live
somewhere else.
I don't want to
live here anymore.
I'm leaving.

-Oh yeah, so where do you
think you're speeding to?
Me, and Webbly, and Teddy
Bear are going to move.
We're going to move to,
uh, to the Foreign Legion.
Hello, men of the
Foreign Legion.
I'm Bobby, and I'm going
to be your captain.
Pretty neat, huh?

-Pardon?

Pardon?

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

-Get a clue, dweeb.

It's the French Foreign Legion.

All they speak is French.

-I knew that.

[SPEAKING FRENCH]

FOREIGN LEGION MEN:
[ANGRILY] [SPEAKING FRENCH]
-What did I say?

HOWIE: You implied
that they smelt
like your sister's sweat socks.

-Forget about joining
the Foreign Legion.
We'll show them.

We'll run away to,
to another planet.
Hit it, Webbly.

ANNOUNCER: The green
zone is for the loading
and unloading of visitors
from other planets only.
No parking please.

-What are you laughing
about, Lard Brain?
How do you know the aliens
aren't going to treat you mean?
-Treat me mean?

-Let's have him for dinner.

-If we fatten him up, do
you think he'll serve eight?
-Help!

-See, no matter where you
go, you'll always be a dweeb.
-Then I'm just gonna
live in here forever.
-Derek, like Dad
wants you and Bobby
downstairs right
now for dinner, OK?
So where's Bobby anyway?

-The little goof
ball's in there.
And he says, he's
never coming out,
because he wants to stay a baby.

BOBBY: Do not!

-Dumb move, shrimp.

I'm going to keep him.

BOBBY: Ahh!

-Derek, just get
out of here, OK?
Here, Bobby.

BOBBY: Thanks, Kelly.

-Bobby, you know, I
know how you feel.
-You do?

-Yeah, like I've been
through it twice.
You know, Bobby, like
having a baby brother
or sister could really
be totally cool.
-It, it can?

-Well sure, Bobby, get serious.

Like what about when
we're watching TV, right?
Isn't it cool how like I always
let you get snacks for me?
And like when George
calls, don't I always
let you tell him
that I'm not home?
And like in the morning, you
know, after Roger goes out,
isn't it totally cool how
I always let you clean up
after him, even if it's my turn?

There, see?

Now don't you feel like
totally better now?
BOBBY: No.

-Bobby, grow up!

You can't stay in there forever.

-Oh, yes I can!

-Grab this place.

It's a steal.

Oh yes.

That's right.

Sign right there.

Right underneath the part
that says, must be sold as is.
-As is?

-Don't pay any
attention to this.
It's nothing.

It's, you know,
just a little extra.
[TOILET FLUSHING]

OK.

OK.

So there's somebody
living in there.
But you won't even notice him.

He's been here forever.

-All right.

I guess we'll take it, but we
don't want the guy in the tent.
-Hey Mister.

As is, means as is.

No tent, no sale, Mr. Big Shot.

HOWIE: Bobby, you come out from
under that sheet right now.
-It's a tent.

-OK.

Come out from under the tent.

Things are a little hectic
around here right now, son.
So try to follow me on this, OK?

-OK.

-The new baby's going to
be here any minute now,
and that's, and that's making
everybody a little tense.
So we need you to help us out.

Now try to stay out of
trouble, and try not to--
-Uh!

-Bobby, what are you doing?

-I was doing what you said.

Didn't he say I was
supposed to follow him?
-Now Bobby, I know
you're feeling
kind of left out
right now, but--
DEREK: Dad!

Dad!

Come quick!

Mom's making funny
noises, and Roger just
threw up something really weird.

-Wonderful.

-Gee.

Maybe we shouldn't
run away right now.
Maybe Dad needs us.

And maybe not being
the baby of the family
anymore won't be so bad.

And maybe--

-Hey shrimp.

Here's your stupid game.

-Oh boy!

Oh no!

It's, it's broken.

DEREK: It kind of fell
off the refrigerator
and landed in that batch
of lentil fudge brownies
Aunt Ruth sent over.

Roger licked it off pretty
good, but some of the buttons
are still kind of gooped up.

Hey, what are you
still doing here?
I thought you were moving.

-I decided to stay.

Daddy needs me.

-Oh yeah?

Dad's so busy thinking
about the new baby,
he doesn't even
know you're around.
-Nuh-uh, Derek.

Nuh-uh!

-Doctor, this is it.

I know it.

It's time.

-Oh galoshes, sakes.
[HICCUP] Hang up, hon.
I just had a little
gee golly gas again.
Now then you're--

-Dad!

Dad!

Can you unstick my
Captain Squash game?
Can you, huh?

Can you?

[KNOCKING]

-Like, I'm coming.

-Ooo!

Has she had the baby yet?

Oh!

I am so excited.

You know, I stayed up
all night making a roast.
UNCLE TED: This thing
weighs a ton, Ruth.
Where should I put it?
You're breaking my back.
AUNT RUTH: Yes, and it has
some wonderful spices in it.
It's absolutely delicious.

I was up all night.

-Dad, can you fix my game?

Can you?

-Ted, put the roast
down over there.
-Hey Ruthie, just
answer me one thing.
What exactly was it
that you roasted?
[CRASH]

UNCLE TED: Woops!

That's a spill.

-Dad!

HOWIE: Bobby, not now!

-Yah!

HOWIE: That does it, young man.

You go outside right now.

And stay out there, until
you're ready to behave yourself.
UNCLE TED: Yep.

Nothing cuter than
a little baby.
Well, until they
throw up on you.
Oh now that's a smell.

HOWIE: Oh, Martha.

You look so pretty.

You know that?

-Yeah.

Well no.

But there's something
about having a baby that
just makes you glow,
don't you know.
[BURP]

-Hey, can't we name
the baby after me?
-Like, I totally hope
it's a little girl.
It would be so cool
to have a baby sister.
AUNT RUTH: You know,
there's nothing
in the world like a baby
to bring a family together.
ALL: Totally.

That's the truth.

Yes.

Uh-huh.

-Hi, Bobby.

-Bye.

[KISS]

Yuck.

-What's the matter, Bobby?

You seem a little down.

You're depressed about
the new baby, aren't you?
What you need is
some place to go,
somebody to talk to, something
to help you through the trauma
of not being the
baby brother anymore.
-Where am I supposed
to go to do that?
-I don't know.

It's something my mom
heard on "Donahue." "
-I don't know
anybody to talk to.
I don't know where to go.

I guess what I need is
something like, like--
-Former Baby
Brothers of America!
That's who we are, and that's
who we're here to help!
[KNOCKING]

-Oh, hi.

My name's Bobby.

-Hi, Bobby.

-Oh, so good to have you, Bobby.

So good to have you.

Just sit yourself down there
next to Brian who's crying.
[CRYING]

-Brian used to be one of nine.

Now he's just one of ten.

All right.

Time to call this
meeting to order.
Now let me tell
you how it is being
a former baby brother, being
the guy who used to be the baby.
First off, your parents will
tell you, you're still special.
You're not.

Then they gonna tell you, you
going to get as much attention
as before.

You won't.

And finally, they
lead you to believe
that everything going
back to the way it was.
Well, I'm here to tell you.

It'll never happen.

[CRYING]

-Former baby brothers.

It is time to grow up.

-Oh, no.

-Oh, yes.

And we gonna start
with brother Bobby.
Tell us how it feels, baby.

-Not good.

-Don't hold back, Bobby.

Let it out.

-You heard him.

The man said, let it out.

-I hate the idea of having
a new baby. [SHOUTING]
I hate the idea of
having a new baby!
HOWIE: That's very nice, Bobby.

But right now we've got to
get Mom to the hospital.
-Move it, Kelly.

It's my turn to ride in front.

-It is not!

-It is too!

-You little brat!

-Is too.

-No.

-Is too.

-And take all the
baby gifts with you.
Opening them will give
Martha something to do,
while she's in labor.

-Don't forget the suitcase!

-Oh, now that's a squeeze.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-[SHOUTING] I don't
want to have a new baby!
MARTHA: OK.

OK!

Ruth, back off on the
gee golly presents.
Ted, put the suitcase
in next to Bobby.
Derek, you in the front seat.

Kelly in the back.

Switch on the way home.

Bobby, pipe the heck down.

And Howard, lay some
gee golly rubber.
It's show time!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

-Uh, Mr. James.

Congratulations.

Your wife just had twins.

-Hoo!

Now that's a sting fest.

Oh, my cousin Lou had twins.

He didn't sleep for
three years straight.
Yeah, poor slob.

Lost all his hair and
started hearing voices.
Ended up in a rubber
room bouncing off
the walls like some
kind of gibbon.
That's twins.

-Well, it's over.

There's news.

Mom had twins!

-[EXCITED] [INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Twins!

Oh, that's very great, Howie.

Yeah.

Twins are a real
double blessing.
Twins sounds great.

-Don't you want to come meet
your new brothers, Bobby?
-Nope.

I want to wait here.

-It's all right,
Mr. "Juh-ner-ik."
-Generic.

-Uh.

Sorry.

I'll keep an eye
on Bobby for you.
Are you sure you don't want to
see your new little brothers?
They're awfully cute.

All right then.

What if you and I take a
tour of the hospital instead.
-OK.

-And this is the last
stop on our tour, Bobby.
This is the hospital nursery.

-Well aren't those two little
"Juh-ner-ik" twins cute.
Ha ha ha.

-That's Generic.

They're my baby brothers.

Wow.

You guys are really little.

You're gonna need somebody
to look out for you.
And there's stuff you're
going to need to know,
like how to get extra
cookies in your lunch.
And where Derek hides
his dead snakes.
Don't worry.

I'll take care of you.

I know everything
about being a Generic.
Oh wait a minute.

I forgot.

I'm Bobby.

I'm your big brother.

Big brother.

Boy I like the sound of that.

HOWIE: Got some
good news, Martha.
The doctor says you and the
babies can go home today.
-Well how about that, Howard.

That's great.

I'll get packed.

You go find the kids and Ted.

-Whoa! - Watch out!

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-And that's where they put
you, if you get a broken leg.
And over there,
that's the cafeteria.
Don't ever eat there.

Hot dogs are really rubbery.

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

-Bobby!

-Bobby, careful!

-That's my name.

There's nothing like
being the big brother
to make you the
center of attention.
-Bobby!

Bobby!

Bobby!

-Martha, Bobby and I
have a surprise for you.
-I think you're
really gonna like it.
-Mr. Anka, come on in.

-Oh, I can't believe it.

Paul Anka.

-Wow.

-Ladies and
gentlemen, Paul Anka.
-Oh, this is so nice.

-Hit it, Paul.

-[SINGING] Having my baby.

What a lovely way to say
how much you love me.
-Oh, he is so handsome.

-Mom, he's not handsome.

He's cute.

-I had no idea.

KELLY: The guy is
kind of a hunk.
-Ba ba ba ba ba ba.

-Oh, Uncle Ted.

-Hi.

Hi, Mr. Paul.

Hi, Mr. Anka.

-[SINGING] I can
see it in your eyes,
and I'm happier knowing
that you're having my baby.
-[LIP SINGING] I'm
a woman in love,
and I love what
it's doing to me.
-[SINGING] Having my baby.

-[LIP SINGING] I'm a woman
in love, and I love--
-Roll the credits.

[MUSIC PLAYING]