04x02 - Uncle Ted's New Friend

[bunniefuu]

-Hello, everyone.

I don't know about
you, Bobby, but I'm
really, really happy today.

-Well, if you're happy and
you know it, clap your hands.
-OK.

Anyway--

-That's right, if you're
happy and you know it
and you really want to
show it, clap your hands.
-Well, I-- I already did, Bobby.

-OK.

Well, if you're happy and
you know it, stamp your feet.
-We have to-- we have
to start the show.
-Well, if you're
happy and you know it
and you really want to
show it, stamp your feet.
-I'm not happy anymore.

OK?

-OK.

Now we can start the show.

[THEME MUSIC]

Sometimes there's nothing
better than sitting back
and watching TV with
your best friend.
MAN [ON TV]: So remember, kids,
Legume Land open this Sunday.
The giant bean slide and
entire Re-fried Village,
the Chili Museum, and more.

You got to be there.

-I'll be there.

My Uncle Ted
promised to take me.
MAN [ON TV]: And now,
"America's Most Hunted."
-Come on, Uncle Ted.

You're going to miss the show.

-Hey, I wouldn't
miss my favorite show
with my favorite nephew,
Bob-O. Ooh, time for noogies.
MAN [ON TV]: This
week's [INAUDIBLE],
Leo Links, the
notorious cat burglar.
-Cat burglar?

I bet you me and Uncle
Ted could catch that guy.
[SIREN RINGING]

You'll never get away from Bobby
and Ted, detectives for hire.
-You heard my partner, pal.

Your cats are out of the bag.

Let's get out of here.

Time to go, Bob-O.

-Uncle Ted, can we go
to the video arcade now?
-Last one there is moldy
underpants, Bob-O. Woo-hoo.
-Ah.

Oh.

TED: Oh, that's a bruise.

[ALARM RINGING]

-I hear bells.

-Me, too.

-What's the big deal?

Everybody hears bells.

-Ah, the sales girl
must have made a mistake
and forgotten to take
the tag off this dress.
I'll be right back.

-Come on, Uncle Ted.

Can we go to the arcade now?

-First we help the
nice lady, then
maybe we'll go to the arcade.

-Maybe?

That's grownup for no.

-Everything's fine.

I decided not to buy
that dress after all.
You picked up all my things.

Well, aren't you one
sweet hunk o' man?
Aloha, I'm Constance Comstock.

And you're?

-Uh, uh-- [MUMBLING].

-He's my Uncle Ted.

And I'm Bobby.

-Well, Bobby and Ted, can
I buy you some nachos?
-Do you believe it?

She's not only beautiful,
but she likes nachos, too.
Come on, Bobby.

-These are great, Uncle Ted.

Just the way we like them.

-I like nachos.

-And here I thought I was the
only person on the planet who
likes anchovies in my
Limburger cheese sauce.
-I finished, Uncle Ted.

Can we go to the arcade now?

Uncle Ted.

You promised.

You promised.

TED: I like nachos.

-Baby.

Oh, one, two, button your shoe.

-This will get his attention.

-Uncle Ted, I don't feel good.

-Open up my little daffodil.

Here comes a surprise.

-Well, thank you, baby.

I'm everything
you want me to be.
-Oh, Uncle Ted.

I think I have a
fever or something.
Oh.

-Oh, that's nice, Bob-O.

-What do I got to
do to get Uncle
Ted to pay attention to me?

-Ladies and gentlemen,
and especially Uncle Ted,
presenting Bobby Generic,
the human b*llet.
Pay attention, Uncle Ted.

-By the way, that's "Gen-er-ic."

My name's Bobby Generic.

Uncle Ted, I'm over here.

Uncle Ted, what do you think?

TED: Hey, Bob-O. Cut me
some slack here, huh?
I'm trying to ask Constance a
very important question, OK?
So, uh, how about, uh,
dinner sometime, Constance?
-Dinner?

Why that sounds wonderful, Ted.

Give me a call.

Oh, and here's a new
phone to do it with.
-Wow.

-And Bobby, because you've
been such a little gentleman.
-Wow, a tiny tube.

Can we go to the
arcade now, Uncle Ted?
Kids should never give up.

I got the clicker, Derek.

I get to choose.

-In your dreams, dweeb squeak.

-Oh, for crying
in the mud, Derek.
Turn that noise down.

You know how it scares the
willies out of your Uncle Ted.
-Is Uncle Ted here?

MARTHA: Oh, he's coming
for dinner, don't you now?
And he's bringing
a big surprise.
-Big surprise?

-Hi-ya, Bob-O. Here's
you big surprise.
OK, boy.

Fetch.

That's a real good boy.

Good boy.

Now, go ring the doorbell.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

-I'll get it.

Where's the big
surprise, Uncle Ted?
-You're looking at
her, Bob-O. Constance
is going to have dinner with us.

-Oh.

Hey, Uncle Ted.

I know, how about
some roughhousing?
-Thanks, anyway, Bob-O.
But, uh, Constance and I
did a lot of, uh, roughhousing
before we left her place.
-Uh, uh-- time for noogies?

TED: Uh, maybe later, Bob-O.

-First no roughhousing,
now no noogies.
What's going on?

Something's wrong
with Uncle Ted, Roger.
We don't have noogies.

We don't do roughhousing.

All Uncle Ted wants to
do is look at Constance.
She's the one who gave
me this video camera
to go with my tiny tube.

This stuff's OK, but I
sure do miss Uncle Ted.
MARTHA: Well, call
me John Philip Sousa,
but my stars and stripes, if
Ted and Constance aren't just
the cutest couple you ever saw.

-I'll tell you
something, Martha.
It's about time Ted turned
up with a girlfriend.
The last time anybody in a
skirt paid attention to him
was at the Scottish festival
when he hit a guy in a kilt
with his car.

-Oh, back off there now, Howard.

That's not true.

He was almost engaged
to Inga [INAUDIBLE].
You know, she was Miss
Dairy Byproducts of '75,
don't you know?

-Hey, everybody, here she
is, girl of my dreams.
-Oh, Constance, you're just
like one of the fam here.
You know, we loved the
presents you sent us.
They're just, well, darn
swell, don't you know?
-I told you, sis.

She's a cross between Bob
Barker and Mother Teresa.
Ooh, with the legs to match.

-Uh, excuse me.

Time to put down your new camera
and take a seat, Mr. Spielberg.
I'm ready for my closeup.

-Come on, Uncle Ted.

You sit by me.

-Ah, ah, ah.

Hold on, Bob-O. Ladies first.

-But if I don't sit
next to Uncle Ted, how
are we going to
play with our food?
-Oh, a masterpiece.

A lovely lady makes
a lovely lady.
And you know what that means.

Time for noogies.

Ooh, stop it.

I'm ticklish.

Noogie, noogie, noogie.

-How come Uncle Ted's doing
all our stuff with her?
What's going on with
Uncle Ted, Roger?
How come he never
lets go of her hand?
It's like they're
stuck together.
I got to save him.

Activate solar separation beam.

-Oh.

Ooh.

-I've done it, Uncle.

I've saved you.

TED: That's great.

Now we can go to a movie.

-A movie.

Movie, movie, movie.

Great idea, Uncle Ted.
"Home All by Myself"
is playing at the [INAUDIBLE].

-Well, actually, Bob-O.
Uh, Constance and I
were planning on seeing
"Undying Love 2: The Musical."
-Oh my, no noogies again.

This is serious.

HOWARD: You know
something, Martha,
if Ted does tie the
knot with Constance--
MARTHA: Won't that be something.

-The pitter-patter of little
feet won't be far behind.
-Oh, no.

-Pitter-patter of little feet?

MARTHA: Oh, hey. [INAUDIBLE],
that's what I call excitement,
don't you know?

I can't wait to see Ted
with babies of his own.
-I thought only moms had babies.

-Know what time it is?

Great, huh?

And from now on, I'm saving
all my noogies just for you.
-What about me!

HOWARD: Bobby, calm down.

There, there, son.

There's no sense in
crying over spilled milk.
-I, I-- I don't like the
little feet dancing on my head.
And I don't want Uncle Ted to
like anybody better than me.
And I want my noogies.

I wish Uncle Ted was here.

-Hi, uh, Bob-O.

-Uncle Ted!

Yay.

-Just wanted to say
hi and bye, Bobby Boy.
We're on our way to
the bowling alley.
-Hi, Bobby.

I wanted to drop off
another little gift
to replace that ratty,
old [INAUDIBLE] thing.
-See ya, kiddo.

-I don't want this
dumb, old thing.
I want my Uncle Ted back.

Ted.

[MUTTERING]

Ah!

[LAUGHTER]

-[SCREAMING].

-What's all the hub-bub, bub?

--[INAUDIBLE] Ukrainian
[INAUDIBLE] and Betty
Finnegan's grandmother's
[INAUDIBLE],
toothbrushes and TV
guides [INAUDIBLE] make
Theodore [INAUDIBLE]
my eternal flame.
BOBBY: Look out, Uncle Ted!

-No.

No.

Yes, dear.

Of course, darling.

-Now it's your turn, my cutie.

And your little toy, too.

-[SCREAMING].

That's it.

I've got to get rid of
Constance and save Uncle Ted.
Mommy.

Mommy.

Mommy.

Mom.

Mom.

-99 bottles of juice,
don't you know?
99 bottles of jui--
what the heck here?
Get go now then-- you look
like you seen a ghost.
-Not a ghost, a witch.

It was Constance.

-Oh, Bobby.

You just had a spooky dream.

-But, but, but she's not
nice and I don't like her.
-Bobby, you shouldn't
say those things
about Uncle Ted's new friend.

It would hurt his
feelings, don't you know?
-But she's a witch.

Uncle Ted can't marry her.

He just can't.

She's a witch.

-You know what I think?

I think a nice trip to the mall
with Derek will cheer you up,
and the fresh air
will do you good.
-Why do moms always
change the subject
when they don't want
to talk about stuff?
But Mom said.

-Later, when I'm done.

-Uncle Ted would at least
take me for ice cream.
At least till she came.

I miss Uncle Ted.

Oh, there's Uncle
Ted's favorite store.
What's she doing there?

-Oh.

Hey, look out.

-[GASP].

Wow.

She's not just a witch.

She's a criminal, too.

-Oh, this is not good.

-Are you sure, Derek?

-All I know is I was right
in the middle of vaporizing
a hoard of mutant leeches
when the dork from outer space
ran up and said he
saw Constance stealing
a shirt from the luau store.

-A luau store.

Get a grip.

Constance has slightly
better taste than that.
No way, like with his
pants on backwards?
Frightening.

-Now, Bobby, if you
don't have something
nice to say about someone,
don't say anything at all.
Do you understand
that, young man?
-[MUTTERING].

-I think we better have
a man-to-man talk, son.
-With who?

-Honey.

-OK, Bobby.

Fess up and tell mom and dad
what's really going on here.
-Uncle Ted doesn't give
me noogies anymore.
-You mean like this?

-He doesn't have any
time to be my friend.
And he's going to
have his own kids
and they'll get all the noogies.

And I'm never going
to see him again.
And I don't want him
to have a girlfriend.
I just want him to have me.

-Oh, there now, hun.

You mustn't be selfish.

Uncle Ted doesn't
love you any less
just because
Constance is around.
His love got bigger, that's all.

-That's right, Martha.

-Thanks.
-Yeah.
I mean-- right, Bobby.

See?

If you love somebody,
you have to love
them enough to want
them to be happy.
-Be happy.

-That's right.

Even-- even if that
means letting them
love someone else, too.

Who is not you.

Right, Martha?

-Good, Howard.

-Thank you.

-Uncle Ted.

-Hi, everybody.

-Constance didn't come?

-Oh, she's out picking
up another surprise.
You just never know what
she'll come up with next.
Ooh, leftover tuna
peanut butter loaf.
Oh, my favorite.

-Attention, dudes and dudettes,
"America's Most Hunted"
is on the tube.

-Let's go, Uncle Ted.

Hurry.

That's our favorite show.

-It just doesn't get
any better than this,
does it, Bob-O? [BURP].

Beg pardon.

MAN [ON TV]: Ladies
and gentlemen,
tonight we're looking for the
notorious shoplifter, Constance
Comstock.

-Ah.

-Oh, I don't believe my eyes.

Who would have in their
wildest-- oh, this is awful,
don't you know?

-This woman is also known
as Slick Fingers Sue.
She was apprehended this
evening thanks to a tip
from one of our viewers.

And now we have
exclusive footage
of the filching felon in action.

-I told you she was a criminal.

-Oh.

Oh, no.

Not the A Juicer.

MAN [ON TV]: Any viewer with
additional evidence regarding
Slick Fingers Sue should call
1-555-I SQUEAL immediately.
-Oh, Howard.

This is gee-golly terrible.

She stole all those
things she gave us.
And the that worst
of it we're going
to have to give them
back, don't you know?
-Give them back!

Oh, oh, no, you're
right, Martha.
I see.

We have to-- we got
to do the right thing.
-Take your time, folks.

If any of these ladies look
familiar, just sing out.
-Number three.

-[CRYING].

-Come on, Uncle Ted.

It's OK.

Hey, you still got me.

-Whatever you say,
Bob-O. I lost my woman.
What can I do?

I got the blues.

And this line doesn't rhyme.

Oh, I got the blues.

--Uncle Ted's really sad.

Guess maybe I am
being shellfish.
Ma'am, by any chance is
that a trout on a stick?
-Why, yes it is.

I'm having a little something
till I can get to Legume Land.
-Uncle Ted, stop.

Come here quick.

There's someone you got to meet.

-Well, that's the
end of our show.
It's time to say goodbye.

Isn't that right, Bobby?

-You know, I hate
saying goodbye.
-Well, why don't we
just say elephant?
-Elephant.

-Elephant.

[THEME MUSIC]