05x10 - No Sale

[bunniefuu]

-Today we have a
great show, Bobby.
Today's show is about
buying and selling things.
-I just bought something.

This magic wand.

-Well, Bobby, that's
nice, but [LAUGHS] OK.
There's now such
thing as a magic wand.
-There isn't?

-No.

And that's why today's
show is so important.
You've got to be careful
when you buy things.
You've got to make sure that
you spend your money wisely.
That's an important
lesson, and it's
never too early to learn, Bobby.

So I'm glad we had this
little talk, aren't you?
-More than you know.

[GIGGLE]

[THEME MUSIC]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

BOBBY: Hurry, mom.

I don't want to be
late for school.
-Wh-- uh, for corn sakes, Bobby,
what's your gee golly hurry?
-The school candy
sale starts today,
and this year, I'm old
enough to be in it.
-Well, that's a real honor, hon.

You must be prouder than
a peacock's tail feather,
don't you know.

You know, being
able to sell candy
to help raise money
for your school,
well, that's just real
exciting there now yet.
-Yeah, I'm excited
because the kid who
sells the most candy
gets a pair of skates.
Two things a kid's gotta
have are a dog and skates,
and I've already got a dog.

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna
sell all this candy,
and then I'm gonna
win the skates.
MARKIE: Forget it, Bobby.

I'm going to sell more
candy than anyone else,
and I'm going to win the skates.

Understand?

-No, I'm gonna win.

-I am.

-No, you're not.

-Those skates are mine,
Sir Robert of Generic.
That's "Gen-er-ic."

And me thinks not,
Marquis de Mellman.
Thrust.

-Touche.

En garde.

-Jump.

-Touche.

-Parry, parry.

At last, the skates are mine.

MRS. ORSO: All right,
hold it right there.
Uh,uh,uh.

Shoving is not OK.

We don't do that here.

And remember, children, this
candy sale is not about skates.
-And she calls
herself a teacher.
She's missing the whole
point of the candy sale.
-It's about working hard and
being responsible and raising
money to get new playground
equipment for our dear school.
Now, any questions?

BOBBY: Yes.

Can I get the skates
before I sell the candy?
[PLAYFUL SHOUTS]

[CONGA MUSIC]

I'm gonna get skates.

I'm gonna get skates.

I'm gonna get skates.

-Uh, my goodness, Bobby.

What's all this?

-It's my share of
the candy sale.
HOWARD: Your share?

How are you ever going
to sell this much candy?
-The same way I build
my milk carton city.
Everybody's gonna help me.

[SNORE]

HOWARD: Oh, no way, Bobby.

This time, you're on your own.

And anyway, what could be
better than the feeling
of doing something
all on your own?
-The feeling of new
skates. [GIGGLE]
HOWARD: All right, son.

Now that you have
your candy, do you
know what you're going to
say when you try and sell it?
-Yep.

Mrs. Orso already told us.

-OK, then.

Off to your room, and
practice your pitch.
-OK.

-You know, that Bobby's gonna
be one heck of a salesman.
-And why not? [LAUGHS] He's
just the son of the Skoashmoore
Pants Company's only
three-time winner
of the Golden Zipper award.

[CRASH]

-Wha-- oh, for
corn sakes, Bobby.
What happened here?

-I was practicing my pitch.

-When I said practice
your pitch, Bobby,
I meant sales pitch,
not baseball pitch.
-Oh, you mean this stuff Mrs.
Orso wrote down for us to say?
You're supposed to
help me memorize it.
-Uh, truth to tell, Bobby.

This speech is duller than
your father's cousin Clifford.
But I bet I can gee
golly well fix it up.
BOBBY: But mom,
everybody's supposed
to do it just like
it says on the card.
-Well, uh, now Bobby, if
everybody was jumping off a gee
golly bridge, would
you jump off, too?
-I might, if I was hot
and I wanted to cool off.
-Now, if we change, Hello,
my name is Bobby, to--
-And this gee golly candy's
really good, don't you know.
So buy some, for corn sakes.

You'll be glad you did.

KELLY: [LAUGHS] Like, that
speech is so totally bogus.
You are going to
sell zero candy.
-But I have to
sell lots and lots.
I want to win my skates.

-Look, dweeb, let me
tell you how to do it.
-Uh, Bobby, like, I am
the one that mom is making
go with you to keep
track of the moolah.
So do it my way.

--[SNORES] Oh, and
like-- and like,
you'll really love this
gnarly candy, don't you know.
Like-- and like-- I mean,
don't be a dweeb hon.
For corn sakes, get yours now.

Yes, I'm ready.

KELLY: Like, as first
vice president in charge
of accounting, I hereby call
this meeting of the Bobby
Candy Selling Company to order.

And now, our leader-- my
baby brother, Bobby Generic.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen, I
give you the king of candy.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

The man who has, like,
totally sold more candy bars
than anybody else in
this whole wide world.
WOMAN: Look, it's a bird.

WOMAN: It's a plane.

-No, it's the king of candy.

[AMAZED MUTTERING]

-Sell us some candy, Bobby.

-Yeah, here's my money.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CROWD: More, more,
more, more, more,
more, more, more,
more, more, more.
-I'm gonna win the skates.

I'm gonna win the skates.

Uh oh.

Kelly!

Come on!

-Oh, look at you.

Go-- go-- go stand
next to your wagon.
-But mom, Markie's already--

MARTHA: Now hon,
mommy wants a picture.
-Oh, but mom!

-Say bees in the trees.

-Bees in the trees.

MARTHA: Uh oh.

Uh oh.

Oh, hold the phone here now.

You've got some
something on your-- oh,
that's-- what is-- spit.

There.

Now let's just get that little
bird's nest out of there.
-Ow!

MARTHA: There, that's better.

-Uh oh.

Am I in trouble?

-Hello.

My name is Bobby.

I am selling candy for
the Little Red Preschool.
I have dark chocolate, milk
chocolate, and almonds.
They are $1.

Thank you.

Ah, it's for Little
Red Preschool.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

-Ahem, can I help you?

-Um, my name is-- um.

MAN: There you go, little boy.

-Thanks, mister.

-Uh, [PANTS] like.

Wait, Bobby!

-Uh, thanks ma'am.

-I'm Bobby.

Please buy some.

It's good.

KELLY: [PANTS] My ankles.

Wait! [PANTS]

-Wow, Kelly.

I never saw you sweat before.

--[PANTS] Bobby, like,
girls don't sweat.
They glow.

-Smells like sweat to me.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

MRS. ORSO: Come, children.

Step lively.

Oh, look.

Bobby and Markie
are doing so well,
they've earned their own
special thermometers.
-I sold two.

-I sold four.

[EXCITED CHATTER]

-Now let's see how we all did.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BOBBY: 12, 13, 94.

Wow, a zillion!

[CHEERS]

-I'm winning!

I'm gonna get my skates!

Uh-on.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

-Oh, no.

It's a tie.

I'm not winning anymore

MARTHA: Uh, time
to get up, Bobby.
-[YAWN]

[BELL RINGS]

Oh no!

Mom, dad, help!

Help!

Help!

You've gotta help
me sell my candy!
-Well, for crying
in the mud, Bobby.
You scared your dad.

HOWARD: Bobby, I-- urgh--
I thought I made it clear.
This is your project.

-But dad, the Mellman's
are helping Markie.
HOWARD: Well son, if the
Mellmans jumped off a bridge,
would you want me to
jump off one, too?
[SIGH] Now go get dressed.

-Why do they keep asking
that bridge question?
I'm never gonna win now.

Markie Mellman's going
to get my skates.
-Heh, heh, heh.

Hey, why so glum, Bobbo?

-Dad won't help me sell candy.

He says I gotta do it myself.

-Well, I'm sure your
dad has a good reason
for what he's doing.

-How come?

-Uh, beats me.

But if you really want
skates, uh, you can get 'em.
-I can?

[BUZZ]

-Hello.

My name is Bobby.

I am selling candy for--

-Oh-- oh, stop right
there, little fella.
Didn't you see the
sticker on my door?
I got mine from Mellman.

-Uh-oh.

Gadzooks!

-Mom's running late, kids.

She asked me to drive
Bobby to school.
You want a ride, Kelly?

-Uh, and let my
friends see me driving
to school with my father?

Like, I would
rather eat dirt, OK.
-I tried.

I tired.

But everywhere I go,
there's a Mellman sticker.
TED: Heh, heh.

That's not the end
of the world, Bobbo.
All you need is a
bigger territory.
-OK.

What's a "terri-ter-tory?"

TED: It's a place where
you sell your stuff in.
A bigger one means you get
more places to sell your candy.
-But Mrs. Orso
said we're supposed
to stay in our neighborhood.

-Hey, Bobbo, if Mrs.
Orso jumped off a bridge,
would you do it to?

-What bridge?

-Hey, Howard, I'm making some
sales calls myself tomorrow.
What say Bobby comes with me?

-C-- can I, dad?

Can I, please.

Please.

-Uh, OK.

As long as you do the
selling yourself, Bobby.
-I will.

I promise.

-OK then, you can go.

Here we are.

-See you tomorrow, Uncle Ted.

I'm gonna get a
big "ter-ti-tory."
I'm gonna get my
skates after all.
[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC]

-Yo, look out, Markie Mellman.

Those skates are mine.

TED: You know, selling novelty
items is a great job, Bobbo.
BOBBY: Yeah, Uncle Ted?

-You know, there's
nothing in the world
like the great feeling you
get from selling people a lot
of stuff they don't need.

Just stick with me, Bobbo, and
you'll be skating by Sunday.
Now hand me some of those
foam rubber potatoes
that look like Nixon, would ya?

We got some selling
to do, Bobbo.
Here's the place I was
talking about, Bobbo.
I'm telling you,
it's a gold mine.
-Hello, my name is Bobby.

-Can't eat it.

-Anybody want to buy some candy?

-Can't eat it.

-And I have dark chocolate, milk
chocolate, and almonds, too.
TED: Bobbo-- Bobbo.

-Uncle Ted, shh.

-These people don't
want your candy, Bobbo.
-How can you tell, Uncle Ted?

-Yeah, Because I can
read, and you can't.
Mimes who buy from Mellman.

Aw, gee Bobby.

I feel rotten.

I sold two cases of barking
ants and a gross of glow
in the dark dress shields,
and you didn't sell a thing.
-Don't feel bad, Uncle Ted.

Dad says that you
shouldn't help me.
And you didn't.

-Forget about the candy
sale for a while, Bobbo.
Hey, let's watch
a little TV, huh?
Well, what do we have here?

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: And here he
is, folks, the host of "Amazing
Nougat Discoveries,"
Markie Mellman.
-Anybody wanna buy some candy?

WOMAN [ON TV]: I'll take one.

WOMAN [ON TV]: I'll take three.

WOMAN [ON TV]: No, I'll take 10!

[CROWD SHOUTING]

-Oh, the kid's got
his own infomercial.
Oh, now that's a bummer.

-Ugh, now I'll
never get my skates.
TED: Heh, heh.

Come on.

Cheer up, Bobbo.

-Why?

-Ugh, because you're not the
one who's sitting in candy.
Heh, heh-- ugh.

Now that's a stain.

That looks like what,
about eight bars here?
Here, let me pay you for
what's stuck to my pants.
-Thanks, Uncle Ted.

MARTHA: Uh, Bobby, the
twins go into you candy.
So here's $4.

-Wow.

DEREK: Hey, dweeb.

Here's for the candy bars
I accidentally ran over.
-Thanks, bro.

-Look out, Derek!

Uh.

OK, so like, you know
Tiffany and Andrea, right?
OK, they came over,
and they totally
devoured mom's
cheesy prune whip.
And then they scarfed a
bunch of your candy bars.
So like, here.

-Thanks, Kelly.

HOWARD: Bobby.

-Uh-oh.

Some of your candy
was on the kitchen
counter, and Roger at it.

So I'm paying you for it.

-Thanks, dad.

Thanks.

-No, don't thank me.

I'm just paying a debt.

I'm not-- I'm not helping.

If my family keeps
not helping me,
I'm gonna win those
skates in no time.
MARKIE: Please take your seats.

In a few minutes,
we will announce
the winner of this
year's candy sale.
You're just in time, boys.

[CROWD GASPS]

-It' a tie.

-A tie.

-Oh, it's Daki Bono,
the first sumo wrestler
to graduate from our school,
and his brother, Funny Bono.
I bet you'd like
to buy a candy bar.
That'll be $1, please.

-I got you, babe.

BOBBY: Oh no! [WHIMPER]
Markie's winning.
What am I going to do?

It's Diet Dave, the guy who
wants to make everybody thin.
He's our school's most
famous "alum-inim-inim."
Maybe he wants a candy bar.

Excuse me.

Will you buy two candy
bars from me, please?
-Sure, little guy.

-Yay!

I'm gonna win!

-Ooh, sorry.

I'm all out of dessert
wheel a meals stickers.
But I could buy a yam.

-Never mind

-Ooh, and the winner of
this year's candy sale
is Markie Mellman.

[CROWD CHEERS]

-Gee, they look kinda big.

-They-- they do?

-Sorry, Gretel.

Too big.

No sale.

Nope.

Next.

It fits.

-I have really big feet, Markie.

You know what that means.

-What?

-That I can wear your skates
if they're too big for you.
-Forget it, Generic.

They fit fine.

Besides, I'm going
to need them to help
me with the pretzel competition.

I'm going to skate
door to door and win
the grand prize trip
to Reptile Land.
-There's gonna be a
pretzel competition?
GIRL: I want a pretzel, Markie.

HOWARD: Cheer up, son.

I've got a surprise for you.

-You do?

What is is?

-A pair of skates.

You worked really hard
on that candy drive.
You earned them.

-Gee, thanks.

Aren't dads the greatest?

[CAR HONKS]

MARTHA: Bobby, come on.

We're going out for burgers
in honor of all the hard work
you did.

BOBBY: But dad, how come
everyone's being so nice?
I still lost.

-Well, sure you did, son.

But you lost all
by yourself, huh?
-So what say ya?

Ready to go out for some
burgers there now yet?
-OK, that would--
that would be great.
But could we stop
by the bridge first?
HOWARD: Why-- why do you
want to go to the bridge?
-Because I want to see what
all the 'citement's about.
MARTHA: Well, for lunch
meats and picnics Howard.
Where does he get those
gee golly crazy ideas?
HOWARD: [LAUGHS] I
don't know, Martha.
I just don't know.

-Another great show.

Hey, Bobby, you learn
anything about salesmanship?
-I sure did.

I just made $100.

-Wow.

Well, what'd you sell over $100.

-Your car.

Bye, everybody. [GIGGLE]

[THEME MUSIC]