06x06 - Just Plain Sleepless

[bunniefuu]

-Hi!

I'm Howie.

-And I'm Bobby.

-OK. [CHUCKLES] What
do you want to do?
-How about a knock-knock joke?

-OK.

Go right ahead.

-Knock, knock.

-Who's there?

-The interrupting cow.

-The interrupting co--

-Moo!

- --who?

-[CHUCKLES]

[THEME MUSIC]

[APPLAUSE]

-We're here with Bobby Generic.

-That's "Jen-a-rick"!

-The hope of the
bobsled team as he
attempts to capture the
gold for the United States.
Are you up to it, Bobby?

-I'm not up to anything.

I'm going to bobsled.

MARTHA: You can do it, honey!

Go for it!

[CHEERS]

-Good thing I learned my colors.

Red means stop.

And green means go!

SPORTSCASTER: It's
a new world record!
It was so fast!

We're going to rename the
event-- the Bobby Sled!
[FIREWORKS]

[CHEERS]

-Ha-ha!

That was a good one, Bob-o!

Oh. you were flying
down that slide.
-Wow!

It was great, Uncle Ted!

Now, it's your turn.

-And I'm coming down
like greased lightning.
Watch me!

Yo!

Uh-oh.

-Slide down, Uncle Ted!

You'll go faster that way!

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

That makes all the difference.

Yeah.

-Uh-oh.

I hope he doesn't
go too fast, Roger.
-Nope.

[GRUNTS]

Oh.

Ugh!

That's a landing!

-That was great!

Come on, Uncle Ted.

Let's do it again!

-Oh, h*-h*.

I don't think so--

[STOMACH RUMBLES]

--Bob-o. [CHUCKLES]

My lunch plate from
being-- heavens!
Backing up on me. [BURPS]
Uh, beg your pardon.
Nothing to worry about, though.

-[GRUNTS]

-Hi, Bobby.

Want to play dodge ball?

-Bring it on!

Yeah, Jackie.

Me and Uncle Ted
love dodge ball.
Right, Uncle Ted?

-Right on, Bob-O!

-Ugh!

Got it!

-I won!

I won!

-Heh, hey!

Anybody want to
do shoulder flips?
-Me!

-Me first!

-OK, who's next?

Come on!

-Your uncle is the best
kind of adult there is, Bob.
He's a big kid.

-Yup.

Uncle Ted's my bestest playmate.

[CAR DOOR CLOSES]

-Bobby!

Like, it's totally time
to splits-ville, OK?
-Aw, Kelly!

It's not time to
go home yet, is it?
Uh, five more minutes?

-Uncle Ted, you know I am not
allowed to drive after dark.
-[MUTTERS] Some people
think you shouldn't be
allowed to drive in the light.

-Meet you back at
the house, Bob-o.
Hey, maybe we can squeeze
in a game of ring toss
before supper, ha?

-Sure, Uncle Ted.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

-Uh, you didn't use
your turn signal, Kelly.
Kelly!

You're too close to that car!

-Ugh!

Put a sock in it, Bobby!

Like, I am the one with
the license here, OK?
-You better not be expeeding the
speed limit, or I'll tell Mom.
-Ugh!

Do you totally want me
to make you walk home?
-No.

I had fun with Uncle Ted today.

All the kids think
he's great because he
likes to play so much.

-Like, I think, maybe that's
because Uncle Ted is lonely,
you know, and-- and needs
a family of his own.
-He has a family!

Us!

-Ugh.

Not that kind of family.

He needs a wife, you
know, like someone
to give him a
purpose in his life.
-A "porpoise"?

[SQUEAKING]

-Uh, you know, he needs, like,
someone to make his heart sing.
-He does?

-[SINGING] I am singing!

-OK, I have been reading this
totally down romance novel,
"Lorenzo's Loneliness."

You know, and like,
Lorenzo, the hero?
He is, like, completely
nowhere-- until he
falls in love and gets this
incredibly radical wife.
-Uncle Ted doesn't need a wife!

-Ugh!

He does, too!

-Does not!

He has me!

Kelly!

Turn here!

-Bobby!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[CAR HORNS HONKING]

-How come it's always so much
honkier when Kelly's driving?
--[SOBS] Boy, chopping
onions always
makes me cry like a baby.

[SOBS]

-Uncle Ted!

Uncle Ted!

Ready to play ring toss?

-As, uh, ahem, as soon as I
finish my snack here, Bob-o.
[SNIFFLES]

-Roger, I think
Uncle Ted was crying.
-I think Uncle Ted's lonely.

[ECHOES] Lonely, lonely.

-Uncle Ted's not lonely.

He has me to have fun with.

Nobody's better at having
fun than me and Uncle Ted.
Right, Roger?

-Rrowff!

-Hey, Uncle Ted!

Want to play?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BARKING]

[BOTH PANTING]

-You ready to quit, Uncle Ted?

-[GASP] I'm ready when you are.

[GULPS]

[BURPS]

Uh, beg your pardon.

-Huh, how can I keep this up?

I'm only one man.

Maybe Uncle Ted
does need a wife.
Uh, what if Kelly's right?

And Uncle Ted does need a wife?

-[GRUNTS]

-Where would he go to get one?

-Pbbbpbbt.

-Mom!

Dad!

Where can I find
a wife in a hurry?
-Ooh, isn't he the cutest?

-[CHUCKLES]

Why do you need a wife, son?

You-- you got your mother here,
at least, for a few more years.
[LAUGHS]

-That's right, my
little Mr. Mansy.
You're not ready to be in the
market for a wife just yet.
-There's a market?

Derek, do you know where
the wife market is?
-There is no such thing, dweeb.

-Then how do you get a wife?

-Same way you get a car, nitwit.

You look until you
find one that's cool.
-The same way you get a car?

[HORSE NEIGHING]

-Yeah, need a wife?

Come on down to Crazy Sal's.

I've got blondes, brunettes,
and redheads all in stock.
Remember Crazy Sal's!

That's the wing that
exits off at 310.
-Oh?

How would I know
which one to pick?
Maybe Kelly knows.

[BANGS ON DOOR]

-Ugh.

Go away!

I'm, uh, busy, OK?

BOBBY: But I need your help!

Uncle Ted's been
crying in the kitchen.
And then we played,
and he wore me out.
I was wrong!

I'm not enough!

Uncle Ted needs a wife!

-Ugh.

OK, you can come in.

But don't touch anything!

-Wow!

This is the first time you
ever let me into your room.
This is very impressive.

-Tsk, Bobby!

Focus!

If Uncle Ted doesn't
find true love soon,
he's going to become,
like, totally melancholy.
-"Melon Collie"?

[BARKS]

Will he have to get
shots, like Roger?
-Ugh, no.

Don't touch anything.

This is so cosmic.

It's like this book was
written about Uncle Ted.
He is just like
the hunk, Lorenzo,
except that Uncle Ted is fat,
loud, and a tacky dresser.
And, I'd, um, I don't think he
was ever a soldier of fortune
either.

-No, but he was a clown
on my birthday party once.
-Uh, focus!

OK, like, we have got to
get serious about helping
Uncle Ted.

OK.

Now, Lorenzo met his true love,
the exiled Princess Alana,
when she was moonlighting
as a Dancercise instructor.
BOBBY: Wow!

Wings!

I'm flying!

I'm flying!

-Ugh!

Put my Thigh Buster
down this minute!
Bobby, OK, cut the comedy.

Pay attention.

We have got to save
Uncle Ted from a lifetime
of misery and woe.

-"Misery and Woe"?

Who are they?

-[SHRIEKS] I know!

I know!

Ah, we'll take
Uncle Ted to my gym!
There are, like, all kinds of
beautiful babes there for Uncle
Ted to, you know,
fall in love with.
Ah, this will be so romantic.

But we cannot tell
anyone, or it will
ruin the surprise for Uncle Ted.

OK?

-OK.

-[GROANS]

-Uncle Ted, guess
what time it is?
-Time for noogies?

-[LAUGHS]

No.

It's time to go to Kelly's gym.

-Uh, what am I
going to do there?
-Dancercise?

-Mm, no.

I think I'll just rest instead.

[GROANS]

-Uh, did I mention that they're
giving away free Socks in a Can
to everyone that
takes the class?
-Hey!

Why didn't you say so, Bob-o?

Let's get a move on!

-He must be really lonely.

-Just wait, Bobby.

After this class, Uncle
Ted will be a babe magnet.
-A magnet?

[GIRLS GIGGLE]

[CLANG]

-[GRUNTS]

Ooh.

-Morning, class.

OK, let's get started.

Here we go.

And left foot first.

-Left, Uncle Ted.

-And right.

Here we go.

Now, side to side.

We're going into grapevine.

Let's dance.

Uh-huh.

--[PANTS] You sure--
you sure you like this?
Aw.

-Sure!

Every kid loves to Dancercise.

-Now, march, lift kicks.

Here we go.

Good job.

-OK, hold on, slow down.

OK.

Oh, slow down.

OK.

Uh! [GROANS]

-Uncle Ted was a magnet, all
right-- right to the floor.
Ke-- Kelly!

We got to hurry up and
find Uncle Ted a wife!
Got to start--

ROMEO [ON RADIO]: Welcome to
the "Romance Hearrrrt Line."
This is your host, Rrrr-- Romeo.

-[SHRIEKS] "Romance Heart Line"!

This is my very favorite show!

ROMEO [ON RADIO]: My
hearrrrt line, it's open.
Call me.

-[SHRIEKS] Why, this is perfect!

All we have to do to find
true love for Uncle Ted
is call the "Romance
Heart Line."
[PHONE RINGS]

ROMEO [ON PHONE]: Hello!

This is "Rrrr--
Romance Heart Line."
This is Rrr-- Romeo.

-[SHRIEKS]

-Hello, Rrrr--- Romeo?

My, my sister, Kelly, she says
that we need to find true love
for my Uncle Ted
so he wouldn't have
to spend the rest of his life
with Misery and, uh, Woe.
Whoever they are.

ROMEO [ON PHONE]:
Sure, little fellow.
Tell me your sad story.

-Well, you see--

BOBBY [ON RADIO]: --I
don't want my Uncle
Ted to turn into a melon Collie.

-And the uncle's probably too
old and stuff, but you know,
the kid sounds kind of cute.

BOBBY [ON RADIO]: And Uncle
Ted gives the best noogies.
And he's kind and
eats Trout-on-a-Stick.
-Uh, OK, Uncle Ted, huh?

Yeah.

Hey, Digger, will
you remove my tattoo?
Leave the T.

BOBBY [ON RADIO]: And mostly--

-- --I love him.

And I don't want him to be sad.

I hope his true love
is out there listening.
ROMEO [ON RADIO]:
[SOBS] I'm so touched.
I invite anyone who wants to
meet Uncle Ted to send a letter
to me, Rrrr-- Romeo here at
"Rrrr-- Romance Heart Line."
-Aw!

-Thanks, Rrrr-- Romeo.

ROMEO [ON RADIO]: Chin up, OK?

-No, thanks.

I already ate.

Aah!

ROMEO: Well, I'm so happy to
meet you in person, Bobby.
All the letters from
women desperate to meet
your Uncle Ted are in there.

Good luck, little
rrrr-- romance mongrels.
-Wow!

Look at all the letters!

-Too old, too young, too much
plastic surgery, too thin.
-I like the dog.

-OK, "Dear Uncle Ted.

My name is Rhonda.

And my favorite
thing is spending
a rainy night in
front of a fire."
[THUNDER]

-I'd rather be in
the fire truck.
-"Dear Uncle Ted.

I'd love to spend hours
taking long endless
walks on the beach with you.

Love, Binky."

[SEAGULLS SQUAWKING]

[WHEELS CREAK]

-Yuck!

Sounds boring.

-Ooh, we'll never find
Uncle Ted's true love.
-[SHRIEKS]

Bobby!

I-- I think I have,
totally, found her!
Listen to thi-- this.
"Dear Uncle Ted.
I love Trout-on-a-Stick
and I wear Socks in a Can.
And I haven't had a good
noogie in 10 years."
-She's perfect!

Rrrr-- Romeo!

We found her!

Uncle Ted's true love!

-Thank you, bella Kelly.

Ms. Teddie Bear.

Mm.

My station will pay for
a night of rrr-- romance
for Uncle Ted and his new love.

After all, love
is like a coconut.
If she fall on your head,
she can make you stupid.
-Aah.

-But if you crack
her open, you can
make a fabulous tropical
drink, and also, cake.
-Is that good?

Isn't it great, Roger?

Kelly and me found a
true love for Uncle Ted.
Mom!

When will Kelly get home?

-Well, when she gets
here, that's when.
Oh, why are you so
gee golly excited
about your sister coming home?

-No reason.

I, uh, I just like her.

-Well, isn't that sweet there?

Now, Kelly will be home
before you know it.
-Boy, moms know everything!

What are you--
what are you going
to say to Uncle Ted's true love?

-Uh, chill, Bobby.

Like, there is nobody who knows
more about romance than yours
truly.

WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Hello.

-Hi.

Um, Ms. Bear?

Yes.

Uh, I'm, like, Kelly, uh,
Uncle Ted's n-- uh, secretary.
Um, and he, like, want
you to meet with him, OK?
Cool, ha?

MS. BEAR [ON PHONE]: He did?

Uh, ooh, ahem, great.

How about tonight at 8:00?

-No, no, I can't, um, he
can't drive after dark.
He-- he can only
drive after school.
MS. BEAR [ON PHONE]: Oh, is
Uncle Ted a schoolteacher?
-Huh?

Oh, oh, yeah!

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

He's a-- he's a professor.

He is like a Howitzer
Prize-winning professor.
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Well,
uh, how about I meet him
in an hour at Trout
a la Everything?
It's the best
Trout-on-a-Stick you can find.
-Uh, later!

Perfect!

Now, all we have
to do is get Uncle
Ted to Trout a la Everything.

-How hard could that be?

-[GROANS]

-Uncle Ted?

Could Kelly borrow
your car so she
can drive me to get a Slurpee?

-Kelly?

Uh, drive my car?

Nope, I'm up.

I'm up!

OK, I'll drive.

Let's go.

-Told you it would be easy to
get Uncle Ted out of the house.
[SNICKERS]

TED: Uh, seems
like a pretty fancy
place to get a Slurpee, Bob-o.

-Uh, they have a new
trout-flavored Slurpee
I wanted to try.

Excuse me.

Are you here to
meet my Uncle Ted?
[SQUEAKS]

I don't even have to ask.

Kelly!

Kelly!

I found her!

-Uncle Ted, welcome to your
dream date from KLOV Radio!
-Ms. Teddie Bear, hello!

Former hula dancer from
the big island of Hawaii.
Pleased to meet you.

-Isn't this great, Uncle Ted?

Now, you can fall in
love and be happy forever
and ever and ever, and
have a wife and kids.
-A wife!

-Kids!

--[GIGGLES] This is,
like, so romantic.
-Hey, hey.

Hold it, hold it.

Hey, hey!

Time out here, folks.

Uh, what is all of
this wedding talk?
-Uh-oh.

This sounds like trouble.

-I mean, I wear Socks in
a Can, like everyone else,
but I'm not ready for--

-You mean, you wear
Socks in a Can?
Well, me, too!

-Hey, I like that.

But you know, the
thing is, I don't
know if I'm ready
to get married.
-Me, neither.

-Buh-buh-- but, what-- what
about how lonely you are,
Uncle Ted?

I saw you crying in the kitchen.

--[CHUCKLES] I was cutting
onions for my chili, Bob-o.
I always cry when I cut onions.

-Peel them and put them
in the fridge first,
then you won't
have that problem.
-You don't say!

-But-- well, if you're
not lonely, Uncle Ted,
then why were you moaning and
groaning and acting so sad?
-Oh, I've got really
bad gas, Bob-o.
It's-- it's k*lling me.

[BURPS] Uh, beg your pardon.

-Huh, I've been a little
bloated myself today.
[CHUCKLES] So I ordered
some chili peppers.
Try one, it will
fix you right up.
[BOTH BURPING]

TED AND MS. BEAR: Sorry!

-Ahh!

That feels good.

Just what I needed!

He-he!

-Somebody ordered a
Sumo Trout-on-a-Stick
Platter or what?

-A Sumo Platter?

You're my kind of
woman, Ms. Bear.
OK, let's eat!

-Uncle Ted, are you for sure
not in love with Ms. Bear?
-Well, I-- I really
like her, Bob-o.
But in life, it's
important to know
the difference between
love and-- and gas.
-It is?

[SINGING] Is it love?

Or is it gas?

That's the question
you must ask.
When you're not sure and
wondering if it's really love,
just take a whiff!

Love is a feeling
that makes you care.
Gas is a feeling
that fills the air.
When you're in love,
you love their hair.
When they have gas,
get out of here!
Love is a feeling
that warms your heart.
Gas is a feeling
that makes you--
One more time!

Is it love?

Or is it gas?

This is the question
you must ask.
I'd sure rather be around
when it's love in the air.
-Hey, Bob-o, dig in!

This is the best
Trout-on-a-Stick
you ever tasted.

ALL: Trout!

BOBBY: Mom?

How did you and Dad meet?

-Well, let me see now, there.

I was the Kielbasa
Queen at the state fair.
And your dad had just won that
Kielbasa and Bean Chow-down.
When I handed him
his trophy, I saw
that special look in his eyes.

And I knew it.

It was gee golly love.

-Well, how did you know
for sure it was love?
What if it was gas?

-Oh, well, the special
look was still there
after he gee golly
burped, don't 'cha know?
-[BURPS] I love you, too, Mommy.

Boy, that was some show.

-Yeah, you know, it gave me
a nice warm feeling inside.
-Oh, really?

Oh, is it love?

Or is it gas?

-I won't tell you unless
you pull my finger.
-I don't think I want to know.

[CARNIVAL MUSIC]

[CROWD GASP]

[CHEERING]

[KIDS LAUGHING]