06x11 - The Importance of Being Ernest

[bunniefuu]

-Bobby.

-What?

-Bobby.

-What?

-Bobby!

-That's my name.

-It's time to open the show,
and I can't find my pants.
Have you seen them?

-I'm wearing them.

-What?

Why are you wearing my pants?

-Because Howie, you said
I could start the show
when I wear the
pants in the family.
Well, I'm starting the show.

[THEME MUSIC]

-Saturday.

Roger, it's Saturday.

[BARK]

I love Saturday.

I can do anything I want.

I can play a
Captain Squash game.
Well, I could play my Captain
Squash game if I wanted to.
[BARKING]

Or I could walk
down the hall fast.
Then slow.

And then fast again.

But I just did that.

Wait.

I know what I can do.

KELLY: Bobby, don't you even
think of coming in here.
-Don't?

You know what that means.

Kids got to do what a
kid's told don't do.
-I mean it.

Like, do not come in here.

-I can do what I want to
do, because it's Saturday.
-I'm not kidding, Bobby.

You take one step into this
room, and, and it's w*r.
-w*r?

Sergeant Captain Squash, I
have a message from our enemy,
Kelly the Hun.

-According to
this, Kelly the Hun
has forbidden us to
enter No Man's Land.
-No Man's Land?

-Like, you can't come in here.

You can't come in here.

-I'd like to lead
the charge, sir.
-Very good, Private
Doughboy Bobby.
-Yeah.

Follow me, men.

KELLY: Bobby, stop!

Don't you dare come in here.

Excuse me.

I would like a little privacy.

OK.

I am writing in my diary.

-Ew.

-[SINGING] Don't be cruel.

My teddy bear in the
blue suede shoes.
-Mom!

Mom!

-Reign it in now.

Careful, Bobby.

I'm cleaning all this
old Christmas stuff out
of the stair closet,
don't you know.
-But mom.

-Well, for find it when you
don't need it sakes alive,
have a looksy.

It's my favorite elf ornament.

I call him Ernest.

Oh, isn't he just the
gee golly cutest is all?
-Mom, Mom.

I think Kelly's sick.

She's got diary.

-Oh, Bobby.

Kelly doesn't have diarrhea.

She has a diary.

That's a little
book where people
write down all the
things they do.
-Things?

All the things people do, like
what elves do on their day
off when it's not Christmas.

Mom, do you know what
elves do on their days off?
-Well, my thinking
cap's on, but no.
No, I don't.

-Have you ever
read Kelly's diary.
-Oh noski on that one, Bobby.

-Mom's never read Kelly's diary.

That's why she doesn't know.

That's it, Roger.

To find out what elves do on
their day off, all I have to do
is look in Kelly's diary.

Kelly's diary.

It's open.

What's that?

-Duh.

I almost forgot
to lock my diary.
There.

Safe from prying eyes.

-Got it.

Now, I'll find out what
elves do on their day off.
Now, I've got the
key to Kelly's diary.
I can find out what
elves do on their day
off when it's not Christmas.

I bet it's something real cool.

-Blitzen, remember
how you always ask me
if you can be my best
friend and I say no?
-Uh-huh, Ernest.

-And you constantly
badger me about why
you don't have any friends.

This is why.

-Oh.

I see.

OK.

It's clear now.

Just because I mistook a
candle for a stick of dynamite,
and just because we're hurdling
back towards Earth at terminal
velocity, about 32
billion miles an hours,
and just because it's gonna
take three weeks to dig us out
of this dirt,
you're going to let
little details like
that come between us.
I think that's just
a little unfair.
But what do I know,
I'm just a reindeer.
I'm definitely a reindeer.

-I've done it.

I've put an end to that
do-gooder elf, Ernest.
Ha.

Imagine anyone stupid
enough to devote their life
to spreading joy
throughout the world.
Well, what have we here?

A young lady rushing
to the bank to make
a deposit before it closes.

If she's late, they'll
foreclose on her house.
She'll be thrown in the
street along with her family
and her little dog too.

Oh, too bad.

She's about to encounter
a faulty traffic light.
Tsk.

Tsk.

I guess she'll never make
it to the bank in time.
Well, that was fun.

Such a pity that she'll never
know that I'm the one who
puts the bad in
everyone's bad luck.
-I know you won't believe
this, but the reindeer
think I can't do much.

But I was just thinking
they're jealous.
What do you think?

-Listen.

We have other things to
worry about right now.
-Oh tinsel.

That was painful.

One of the benefits
of being an elf.
-One of the benefits of
being an elf's best friend.
I am your best friend, aren't I?

-Blitzen.

-Huh.

Aren't I?

Aren't I?

I was talking too
much again, right?
Right.

Boy, did that clear my sinuses.

-That ridiculous elf
has foiled me again.
All right.

This time I will use my
Evil Ray to eliminate him
and his anthropomorphic reindeer
buddy for once and for all.
Ray, come in here.

I need you.

Ray, get in here.

What are you just
standing there for?
-You didn't say Nyaliptus says.

NARRATOR: Yes, it would
fun to stay here and listen
to Nyaliptus berate Evil Ray
and hatch his next wicked plot.
But it would be even
more fun to find out
what's going on with
our intrepid heroes.
As you remember from
last week's episode,
Ernest and Blitzen
are on their way
to keep an appointment with
their employment counselor, who
is waiting for them
at their new job.
-Blitzen, look.

There's a meter that
still has time on it.
-Cuckoo.

-Oh boy, that's great.

A parking meter with time on it.

How often does that happen?

The chances of that are--

ERNEST: It's our
lucky day, Blitzen.
I have a feeling that
everything, including
our new job, is going
to go just perfectly.
NARRATOR: Why are Ernest and
Blitzen looking for a job,
you may ask?

Boy, you ask a lot of questions.

Well, elves only
work one day a year.
The rest of the time, they
need to find other employment.
-Didn't I tell ya, Blitzen?

It's a perfect day.

-Hi, Ernest.

This temp job came in last week.

And even though you managed to
botch up the last ten, twenty,
thirty jobs I sent you
on, I saved it for you,
because you know, I have
a very special place
in my heart for you.

Is there anything you
want to say to me?
-Uh, doctor, I can't breathe.

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Enough of this love fest.

Can we get started on a new job?

I feel much more fulfilled
when I'm working.
I guess I need work to sort
of define me as an individual.
What about you, Ernest?

Don't you think you need
to be defined by your work?
Or in this case,
your lack of work?
Why do they always
go for my antlers?
Couldn't they just yank on
my tail once in a while?
NARRATOR: And now it's
time for the lovely Bonnie,
the employment lady, to
show Ernest and Blitzen
around their new
place of employment.
-Do you mind?

-Oh, sorry.

BOBBY: Ernest, come inside.

I want you to meet the owner
of Laraine's Hurry and Eat.
-Wow.

A fast food restaurant.

Sounds like my kind of job.

Because, darn it,
people really like me.
-I hate Ernest.

I hate him.

Because he is
against everything I
enjoy, like taking the
bubbles out of bubble gum.
-I am a dope.

I am a dope.

-Yes.

The kids who buy this
stuff can chew it
until their little
faces fall off,
but they'll never be able
to blow a bubble with it.
It was because of that
insufferable elf Ernest
that I vowed to use all
my genius to thwart good.
And it's spelled D-O-P-E.

-Oh.

I was down with the gremlins
taking freshness dates off
of milk cartons
yesterday, and they
said you started as an elf.

-Shut up!

CUSTOMER: I want two single,
double, triple burgers,
and hold the lettuce.

-Yes, sir.

Coming right up.

Not only am I going to give
you a freshly made piping
hot single, double,
triple burger,
but I'm going to throw
in extra mayo, a quart
of homemade ketchup,
and I'm going
to put a nice big cherry on top.

-Sure.

Make the reindeer get it.

I got nothing better to do.

I mean it's my job to
shuffle back and forth.
-Here.

Try this.

NARRATOR: Ernest's heart
was in the right place,
but unfortunately, it turned
out that the customer was
violently allergic to cherries.

-See, Blitzen.

It's wonderful to see someone
just burst with joy like that.
NARRATOR: Yes, after having been
on the job a mere 15 minutes,
Ernest, in his all
consuming quest
to bring joy to the world,
has driven dozens of customers
away by substituting
low-fat yogurt for real ice
cream in the super
shakes, reporting the cook
to the health department
because her hair net fell
in a french fryer,
and mistakenly locking
several customers in
the washroom when he
accidentally painted
the door shut.
-Now, Ray.

Fire.

-Boy, Blitzen.

This is the best job ever.

Don't you think so.

-Yeah, [MUFFLED SPEECH], Ernest.

-I can't hear you, Blitzen.

-Oh, it must be because this
piece of trash is in the way.
Let me dispose of it
in a proper receptacle.
NARRATOR: Luckily,
Ernest has succeeded
in driving away
all the customers.
And why, you ask, is that lucky?

Well.

Boy, Ernest messed up big time.

Yes, it looks like he's
out of another job.
Gone.

History.

Dead meat.

-Great.

I can hear you just fine now.

BONNIE: Ernest.

Ernest, the owner loves you.

NARRATOR: Like I was saying,
a genius, a boy wonder,
wonder elf.

-She was going to fire you, but
with the restaurant completely
destroyed, a mall
developer has bought
the land for a lot of money.

This is the first
job I've ever gotten
you that you weren't fired from.

I could just kiss you.

But then I might get warts.

-That's a toad.

I'm an elf.

-Right.

-Whoa, Ernest.

Look at this.

What are the chances?

The clown's still standing.

-Oh tinsel.

I bet I could fix this with
stuff from my magic pouch.
All I need is some
gum I chewed already,
a piece of burnt hamburger,
and this fuzzy green thing.
-This guy is a skilled
repairman, one of Santa's best.
I've seen him make an entire
jungle gym out of a cyclone
fence and a couple
of disco records.
-There.

-I'll turn it on.

-Hello.

And welcome to--

-Uh boss, I was wondering.

Do you want to know where
I hid the spare rocket?
-Would it be in the clown?

-Bingo.

You got it right
on the first try.
Wow.

That's why you're the boss.

BOTH: Run!

NARRATOR: Wait.

Will Nyaliptus and
his Evil Ray survive
to stop Ernest in his quest
to spread joy to the world?
Will Ernest be awarded
the key to the city?
Will Blitzen ever shut
his reindeer mouth?
And most importantly,
will I get a shot
at making the big bucks hosting
the Miss Teen USA pageant?
-Yes, thanks to you,
Ernest, our city
will now have the
world's biggest mall,
complete with a roller
coaster, water slides, three
video arcades, and plenty
of washrooms without locks.
Therefore, as the
mayor, I am very
proud to present you with
this key to the city.
-Thank you.

KELLY: Uh, give me
that key, mister.
-Uh-oh.

Am I in trouble?

-You heard me, Bobby.

Give me the key to my diary.

-Well, well, Kelly.

I want to know about elves and--
what elves do on their day off.
-Ow.

DEREK: This is too easy, dweeb.

You're supposed
to dodge the ball.
That's why they
call it Dodgeball.
Get with the program.

-Oh.

Uh, I was just thinking about
how Kelly won't let me have
her diary, and it has stuff
in it that I need to know.
-Hey, dweeb.

You know what they say, a little
knowledge is a dangerous thing.
-Then why do they
send us to school?
-Heck if I know.

But that's what they say.

Sisters.

They're always giving
us brothers grief.
If Kelly won't
give you her diary,
trade her something for it.

That's what'd I do.

-Good idea.

Thanks, Derek.

Ow.

DEREK: You're
supposed to dodge it.
-I'll give you a
Captain Squash doll.
-Uh.

Just a sec, Tiffany.

Big news.

My little brother's
being a pest.
No deal.

-A Captain Squash doll
and my teddy bear.
-No way.

-OK.

My Captain Squash
doll, the teddy bear,
and my new lunchbox.

-Next up is item number 23.

My diary.

This diary contains
information that
may be of interest
to many people.
-I hear it has everything you'd
want to know about elves in it.
-Really?

I hear it contains the secret
of the fountain of youth.
-Really?

-Like, who will give
me an opening bid?
-1,000 franc.

-My vacation home in the Alps.

-A date with Brad Pitt.

-Oh, a date with Brad
Pitt, going once,
going twice, going--

-Ooh.

I'll give you everything I got.

-Everything?

OK.

Let me see everything
you've got.
BOBBY: Ahh!

-Bobby, for the la-- what in
the gee golly world is wrong?
-I forgot.

I don't know how to read.

-Oh, oh, there now, hun.

That's OK.

You'll learn how to read.

-Then you read it to me, Mom.

-Oh, Bobby.

A diary contains stuff that
Kelly wants to keep a secret,
don't you know.

-She does.

Why?

-Well, it's nothing that
would hurt anyone else.
Golly, everybody in the
whole family has secrets.
-They do?

I wonder what the other
family secrets are.
Wow.

The Generic family secrets.

-Come on, Bobby.

I'll tell you my family secret.

The king's alive, and
he's in the building.
-Oh, thank you.

Thank you very much.

BOBBY: Holy Moly.

I wonder what Dad's secret is.

MARTHA: Bobby, don't touch.

This is Kelly's diary.

-Kelly!

Kelly!

-Gah.

What's with Bobby?

-Well, for corn's sakes, Kelly.

Give Bobby back his toys.

You know he can't read.

Gosh golly for causing a ruckus.

-OK.

I was just trying to
get him out of my room.
-Now, Mr. Mansy, some
people's stuff is private.
And for their eyes
only, don't you know.
Let this be a lesson
to you, young man.
-OK.

Hey, Derek.

What's in the box?

-I'm not telling, dweeb.

It's a secret.

-I got to know.

Um.

I'll give you Webbly.

-No deal.

-How about Webbly and my
Captain Squash Gamemaster.
-No.

-That's what's great
about being a kid.
You don't have to
learn your lesson,
cause the minute you do,
then you're a grown-up.
Mom!

Mom!

Well, that's my show for today.

Hope you liked it.

And tell your friends to watch.

Don't keep it a secret.

HOWIE: Bobby, what
are you doing?
-Saying goodbye.

-Well, are you still
wearing my pants?
-No.

Roger is.

[BARK]

-OK.

OK.

So say goodbye, Bobby.

-Bye.

HOWIE: Hey, Bobby.

Bobby, is that it?

Can I come out now?

Bobby?

Is the show over?

Bobby?

Bobby?

Bobby!

Come on.

This is a joke, right?

What's that sound?

That's not credits
going by, is it?
Bobby, I hear credits going by.

Oh come on.

I don't have any pants.

Come on, somebody.

Ah.

I can't read these backwards.

I can't read these
from the back.
That's it.

I got three more seconds.

Two more seconds.

Guess we're going to hear
that pling sound now.