01x10 - The Trip Back

[bunniefuu]

I've graded your term papers.

A "D"!?

Thank you,
Mr. Noblet!

Don't thank me, Jerri.
You earned it.

I don't know how you pulled it
together, but good for you.

You do that well
on the final exam

and it looks like you'll be
moving on to sophomore year.

[PROUDLY]
A "D"...

[BELL RINGS]

Hold on a minute, Jerri.

I've got something
I'd... like to say.

This has been a real
roller coaster of a year,

and I've been pretty tough
on you at times,

and I'm sure you
think that I hate you.

But I want you to know...

That I hate you.

I hate you too,
Mr. Noblet.

I guess we shouldn't hug.

Yeah, probably not.

Okay, why don't you run along.

Hi, I'm Jerri Blank,

and I'm a 46-year-old
high school freshman.

Ooh! Ha, ha, ha...

A 46-year-old
high school sophomore

if I keep these grades up.

Lock the door.

[FIGHTING STICKS CLACKING]

I'm gonna pass my exams

and then we can spend all summer

hanging out at Santa's Playland.

Hey, I figured out a way to
derail the toddler train!

I sure love to watch
those youngsters spill.

Jerri!

[THWACK]

Focus!

You just don't know
how to have fun.

Hey...

Are you Chin Woo of
the Kung Fu School?

You have insulted my master.

Prepare to die by my hand.

Heh heh heh.

Those guys are creeps.

I don't know...

I think they're
kinda... sexy.

Stay away from
those dopers, Jerri,

they're career freshmen.

I'd hate to see you
gettin' mixed up

in the wrong crowd.

Oh, yeah...

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Okay, c'mon, Orlando,
bring it on!

Let's go, Trish!

Arm out, back up!

You heard me, grind that pelvis
into the leather and smack it...

Smack it... smack it!

OK... I'm done.

Next!

C'mon, c'mon, next up, let's go!

Now bear down and ride it...

Way to smack it.

Thanks, I try.

I like your style.

Can I get some water?

I'm a little dry.

I'm plenty wet...

Heh heh heh, seriously.

[CHUCKLING]
You're funny, Jerri.

Yeah?

C'mon...

I wanna show you something.

Back at 'cha.

COACH: Yeah,
clamp, clamp, tighten!

So who goes first?

Check it out.

Ummm!

That's quite a
humidor you got there.

[SNIFFING]

Umm...
"skunk weed."

Wanna hit?

No, I'm not into pot.

Are you sure?

Okay, let's burn it down.

Close your eyes, Jerri.

What do you see?

[DEMONIC LAUGHTER]

Nothing unusual.

[THROATY GAGGING]

Ohh God, I see
a carnival of colors!

I see grays and browns
and grays...

Uh! Don't ya just
love this song!

[THROATY GAGGING]

Don't you just love it?

Ohh man!

Umm!

Oh!
Man!

Whoo!

[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]

[GIGGLING UNCONTROLLABLY]

Totally.

I've seen this one before...

They're gonna untie her tubes.

Ah ha ha ha.

Hey, troll, aren't you
supposed to be

making dinner tonight?

For your information,
d*ck-a-licious,

I already put
the turkey in the oven.

Hey, let's go outside
and sh**t some hoops.

Stroke-a-delic's
bumming my stone.

Troll!!

You cooked my basketball!

Ah, ha ha ha!

You're all hopped up
on that weed.

That's right, and it's
a very expensive habit.

So don't be surprised if I
cut out one of your livers

and sell it on the black market.

You are so lucky I'm a coward.

Hey, Frankenfag!

You forgot your basketball!

[HANDS SIZZLING]

[GIGGLING HYSTERICALLY]

The next step is
firing in the kiln.

Now this particular kiln
heats up to 1500 degrees.

To put that in perspective

imagine one degree...



Okay, why don't you
bring your projects by.

We'll set them on this slate.

Oh Pepper, a turtle, very nice!

We've got some dice...
Those are fun...

What do you got there, Jerri?

Let's just say...
It's a bong.

Hmm... no carpal,
interesting.

Okay, as soon as
these are baked,

we'll glaze them!

As soon as they're baked

we'll get baked.

Ah, ha ha ha ha...

Principal Blackman!
Principal Blackman!

Yes... what is it?!

There are some
bad seeds in this school

who are growing into weeds

and infesting the healthy plants

that are the good students.

Hmmm, your metaphor confuses me,

yet I am intrigued
by your ramble.

Quick, to my office!

Thank you all
for coming this afternoon,

to our second meeting
of "M-Mad,"

"Mad Mothers Against Drugs."

If you refer to
your pamphlet, please.

You can't help a drug addict
until they hit rock bottom,

and sometimes it's important
to help the process along.

You dig a hole in the yard and
cover it with sticks and leaves.

Put glass in their slippers.

Cut the brake cable
in their car.

Exactly, cut the
brake cable to their car.

The point is to
help them hurt themselves.

Hi, Jerri.

Ladies.

Jerri, Jerri, Jerri,
not now, please.

Now the point of
the meeting this afternoon

is how do we...
treat the drug addict...

What happened to you?

Did your head try to escape?

Jerri!

Did I get any calls?

Yes, why don't you
go return them.

If you look at the pamphlet...

How can I return the calls

if I don't know who called?

A, um... "Mr. Puffmeister"
and "Chief Big Bong."

Ah, the chief called?

Man, he must be on the warpath.

Speaking of which,
I got on Indian underwear,

it's creeping up the trail.

Thank you, Jerri...

Man, you people are old!

I bet you could
dry beef down there.

Oh, I'm sorry,
she was only kidding.

Y'know, you really
mustn't fly away like this.

We have a slide show.

Maybe you could show it
to your daughter!

Step... daughter.

How dare you come into this
house with a drug problem

when I am conducting a
meeting about drug problems!

You better shape up, young lady,

or I am gonna want
you out of this house!

You always want me
out of this house.

Yes, but now I have an excuse!

Well, I'll see ya later.

[BELL RINGS]

Hey, do you know where I uh...

Might be able to buy
some big fat doobies?

What?

Well, I was, uh,
y'know looking to

take a trip with mary jane,

and I thought you might know
her travel agent?

Are you a cop?

What?!

You just made the list, mister...

Of the top ten people
in this area.

So alright...as you were.

I'll see you in Spanish... so...

POLICE RADIO: We have a 3-11 in
progress, on the corner of 5th and...

I thought I'd teach class today
in a more informal setting.

I was hoping we could sh**t
the breeze a bit, you know, rap.

Now, there's this herb...

That's been affecting my class.

Most of you probably know it
by it's ancient Dutch name...

Mari-juana.

[ALL SNICKERING]

Yeah, everything's
funny on pot, isn't it?

How do you know
everything about it?

Have you ever tried it?

Yeah... I used to
get stoned.

A few years back
I was pretty down.

I just started this job and
my plugs weren't taking,

my parents were
brutally m*rder*d, and...

I was fat.

So I turned to pot, hoping
it would solve my problems.

But you know something,

the only thing it fixed...
was my life.

You can't lay that on pot.

Why not?!

I know it feels good.

I know we've all read the
"scientific studies" that say

it's non-addictive and that
there are no side-effects.

But scientists don't smoke pot,

we do!

And that's the difference!

Look, all I'm saying is if you
still want to smoke pot,

then be prepared to
spend a lot of time...

Laughing with your friends.

Think about it.

Now we still have


so I thought I'd play
a little mountain music

I wrote on the beach.

Maybe Mr. Jellineck's right.

Maybe we shouldn't
smoke pot anymore.

No way!

This stuff frees your mind!

Yeah, you're right,
spark that spleef.

I wanna get high!

I'll see you after class.

Well, well, well,
what do we've got here?

It's a bake sale.

We're raising money
for blind children.

Oh sure, aren't we all.

Boy, I sure got the munchies.

I could really go for
a brownie 'bout now.

And seeing as
I have the munchies,

which brownie do you think
I should choose?

Around and round she
goes, where she stops...

How 'bout this one!

Whichever one you want, Officer.

Hah, hah... good one.

Sure, yeah.

Are you going to pay for that?

Oh sure, yeah.

Hey, of course I'm
gonna pay for it.

I'm a student just like you.

Nice badge.

Where'd you get it?

Uh... I-I just...
I just don't remember.

It's as simple as that.

Hmm... I love
free samples!

Student.

Principal.

"A+," Tiny.

Tim, "B-" not too shabby.

Your grades on the final exam
this year were excellent!

Jerri, you got a zero.

Wow...

But I studied
really hard for this.

Didn't I?

I don't know, Jerri, uh, but,

in the answer to the question,

"what was the
Magna Carta?"

You wrote the words
"Planet Zoot."

Ha ha ha!

And in response to the query,

"what was the capital of France
during the n*zi occupation?"

You traced your hand.

Oh yeah... I drew a
beak on the thumb there.

Oh, it's a turkey!

Must have been
during the holidays.

It was yesterday, Jerri.

Oh.

Jerri, listen.

I was gonna say this in private

but I was afraid
that it wouldn't be

sufficiently humiliating.

You fail.

You fail freshman year.

Huh?

I'm saying you fail.

I can't do this year
all over again.

Nor do I wanna to teach you,

so I'm gonna be
giving you a make-up exam

tomorrow morning
at 7:00 a.m.

Oh, c'mon, 7:00 a.m.!



And if you have any hopes
for a happy life,

I'd go study.

Okay, everybody, that
does it for freshman year.

It's been a pleasure
teaching you,

and since we only
have 15 minutes...

Why don't you all just go
and... wait a second!

Yeah, I'm sorry.

Okay, sit down.

Ummm...

The opium w*r was
fought in 1840...

to 1842, between the Chinese...

Sorry, I'm late.

Do I know you?

New student.

Just transferred in.

On the last day of school?

Who wrote that word
on the board?

I did.

We're studying the...
Opium Wars.

Okay, class dismissed.

You can all go now.

Wait a second, you can't
dismiss my class.

Aaahh!! Yaaahhhh!!

Ohh!! Ohhh!!!

Okay, everybody out.

Class dismissed,
have a good summer.

My eyes... arrrghh!

All right, Jerri, you have one
night to prepare for this test.

Are you ready for it?

Absolutely.

What's it on?

Noblet's class.

Right, Noblet...

What does he teach?

American History.

Alright.

Let's start with
the Louisiana Purchase.

From what country was
the land purchased?

Louisiana.

No, Jerri.

From what country
did the United States

purchase Louisiana?

I'll give you a hint.

One of its cities is
named, uh, Baton Rouge.

Baton Rouge!

No, Jerri, when I say "hint,"

that doesn't mean
I'm giving you the answer.

Alright, alright, it just
threw me for a second...

Baton Rouge...
Baton Rouge...

Louisiana!

No, Jerri.

C'mon, or, you gotta
give me that one.

No, I don't, Jerri,
and neither will Noblet!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Trish!

Jerri, I know you gotta
study and everything,

but Chief Big Bong is
throwing a w*r council

in his old lady's basement.

No way!

We're gonna pass the peace pipe.

You gotta be there.

Oh look, I gotta
study for a test.

We'll help you study!

I'll wait for you
at school tomorrow, Jerri.

I'll be there.

Don't get high tonight, Jerri.

I promise I won't.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

g*dd*mn, that's gotta be tight!

[SMOKE-CHOKING]

You guys are my best friends...

Owwww...

Huhh!!

How'd your test go, Jerri?

Jeez... I'm on my way
right now.

It's noon, Jerri.

Oh no... right.

I know what you're thinking,

and I didn't get
high last night.

You look high, Jerri.

Are you high now?

What?! Am I high?!

You're asking me if I'm high?

[SLURRING BADLY]

Let me get this straight.

That's what you're asking me?

Look, I'll prove to
you that I'm not.

I'll help you practice.

Oh no, that's not
a good idea, Jerri!

Jerri... Jerri!!

Uhh!! Uhh!!

Ha ha ha, Orlando.

Orlando!

Uhh!!

Oh, or... can you
ever forgive me?

[SPEAKING WEAKLY]
What happened, Jerri?

Well, I was
trying to show you...

Uh... what's the last
thing you remember?

I was... I was waiting
for you at school

and the...
the rest is hazy.

Hazy... oh well...
Uhh... oh boy...

You were jumped...
Uhh... by a bunch of guys...

Uhh... big black guys.

Sexy, sexy, muscular
black guys... yeah!

Really?

No! I was stoned!

I nearly chopped your
head off because I was high!

I don't want to be
your friend anymore.

What?

Get out.

No!

Jerri, maybe you
should just leave.

Mr. Noblet?

Well, what are you doing here?

I... I thought you
were all better.

Yes, I'm all better now, Jerri.

I'm just blind.

So, Uhh...

You're not gonna turn me in
for smoking pot, are ya?

I'm blind, Jerri.

Why would I care?

'Cause she's a doper!

You're busted!

Are you the student
who sprayed me?

That's right...

And I'll do it again!

Arhhhh!

What're ya lookin' at?!

Well, as you can see,
I'm back in the slammer.

Ah, Jesus...

I'm telling you,
you're wasting your time.

You're not gonna find
anything up there!

I've been clean for a year!

Well, I guess
I've learned one thing...

Never talk about your
marijuana exploits

in front of an undercover cop...

I'm telling you, you're just
wasting your

tu-uh-time... uhhh!!

Oh yeah,
that... heh, heh.

Well, in case anyone's
interested,

I'll be out in time to start
freshman year all over again.

I plea bargained.

[SOBBING]
I only smoked it once!

Why am I in a ladies jail?

I am a man!

f*gg*t!

My [BLEEP]-hole's hungry, baby!