02x07 - To Love, Honor, and Pretend

[bunniefuu]

This is called troweling.

Unusual?

Undoubtedly.

Unsanitary?

Oh, heck yeah.

But it's the kind of compromise
that keeps a marriage healthy.

Any questions?

Hm, 18... impressive.

A new record.

Okay, moving on.

Now, in order for
you each to learn

the joys and hardships
of being in a marriage,

for the next week, you will be
paired off with each other

in pretend marriages.

Oh, isn't this great, Jerri?

I wonder who we'll get.

Gawd, the last thing
I need is to be tied down.

I need to stay loose,
stay on the prowl.

This wolf needs to roam.

Jerri Blank and Ronnie Leggett.

Ronnie Leggett?

Nice basket.

Tammi and Jimmy.

Okay, did I miss anybody?

Orlando, hm.

Looks like we have an
odd number of students.

I'll tell you what, why don't
we make you a widower?

Your wife drowned in a fire.

I thought it might help if you
had a model marriage to follow,

so Mr. Jellineck has
graciously agreed

to volunteer his time

and be my
pseudo-husband this week.

Hey, kids.

I don't know about you, but
I'm gonna enjoy settling down.

You know, spending time
on the weekends

weeding the pachysandra.

So here's the deal.

You have to be married one week.

If your marriage fails,
you fail.

So avoid divorce at all costs.

Principal Blackman will preside

over a quick ceremony.

All rise.

We are gathered here today

to join these pretend couples
in fake matrimony.

By the false power
vested in the very real me,

I announce you man and wife.

Oh, and Orlando,
I'm sorry about your wife.

[BELL RINGS]

Class dismissed.

Hey there.

I hear you two lovebirds
tied the knot today.

That's right,
'til death do us part.

Or at least 'til next Monday.

[LAUGHING]

So you have any big plans
for the honeymoon?

Yeah, yeah, we do.

It's straight to the motel,

then a "Do not Disturb"
sign goes up.

Oh... naughty.

Seriously, what are you doing?

Oh, Chuck, quit your teasing.

We just wanna show the students

what a good marriage is
like, like you and Claire.

Who?

Your wife.

Right.

Hey, I got you
a little wedding present.

A buck knife!

It's actually for our big
hunting trip this weekend.

If that's okay with
the old ball and chain!

Wait a minute... weekend?

Looks like somebody forgot
to run something by the missis.

I'm in trouble!

Stop it, you two.

I like this.

This is fun!

Do you like this?
Yeah, I do.

Okay, I'm gonna go.

Hey, don't forget about
the... chk-chk, pow...

Hunting trip.

Hello, I'm Jerri Blank.


out of high school

and ran away from home.

Oh, I made a lot of friends,

did a lot of time.

I was a boozer,
a user, and a loser.

I stole the TV.

Did some more time.

But now I'm back in school!

And though the faces
may have changed...

The hassles are just the same.

Okay, Jerri, let's figure out
our household budget.

Budget?

Come on!

We'll put a bowl of
money by the door.

Take what you need,
leave what you have.

It's like a commune.

Free love.

Speaking of which, when are we
gonna make this thing legit?

Check under your hood and see
how that piston fires, hm?

See?

Jerri, marriage
is a lot of work.

We have to plan for a house,
plan for a baby.

Babies cost a lot
of money. What?

Babies don't cost money.

They make money.

Especially those
little white ones.

Look, you have to get
serious about this.

Or what, huh?

You're gonna hit me,
you wanna take a poke at me?

No, I'm not gonna
hit you, Jerri.

You don't wanna beat me
or screw me?

What kind of marriage is this?

Bring a book!

Jerri, I don't
wanna get an "F", okay?

Just... talk to me when
you're ready to work.

Yeah, see ya, killjoy.

Me and Tammi were just
choosing some pretend colors

for our fake house.

How's your
marriage going, Jerri?

Where's Ronnie?

He split.

That square's all
shake and seeds.

This marriage is for chumps.

This is important, Jerri.

Who cares?

It's just a fake marriage.

No, Jerri, it's more than that.

This marriage will give you
the tools you need

to make a real marriage work.

But...

If you can't make
a pretend marriage work

with an assigned spouse

who doesn't love you
and whom you hardly know,

how can you expect to make
a real one work?

You don't wanna end up
a lonely old maid, Jerri.

All alone.

Two of ya.

Woo!

Strike-a-roonie!

Woo!

God, I wish I had your hook.

Well, let the big boss
show you how.

Just c*ck those hips back,

take this arm out of play,
and head position.

All right, how's that feel?

Oh, that's nice.

That feel good?
Mmm.

So how are things going
with Cherri?

This whole assignment makes
me feel like I'm missing out a bit.

Y'know, being a
confirmed bachelor and all.

Hey, women are poison.

Every last one of 'em.

Are we gonna talk about
strange all night,

or are we gonna bowl?

Let's sh**t out this last frame

and get ourselves
another round of brewskies.

I can't, I've gotta hook up
with Cherri later.

What?

Y'know, we gotta go over
the budget tonight.

Well, that sounds
like a grand old time.

I don't know.

Y'know, this whole marriage
thing is kinda fun.

You must have a lot of
fun with your wife, right?

Yeah, it's a real chucklefest.

Hey, I gotta run.

Geoffrey.
Cherri's waiting.

Geoffrey!

Hyugh!

[CRASH]

Home from school.

g*dd*mn it!

Every time we get started, Sara.

Every time!

No, no, no...
don't overheat, Stew.

Just tell me when she's gone.

I gotta take a dump.

Oh, must have been all
that beef, Stew.

Thanks a lot for
ruining my date, Jerri.

Can I talk to you, single
girl to single girl?

Sure, as long as
I don't have to listen.

Are you glad that you're
not attached?

I mean, you wouldn't wanna
be married again, would you?

Oh, desperately, Jerri.

You don't know how lonely
my nights have become.

The sooner Stew pops
the question the better.

Oh, boy, I can't wait to be
filled up with his babies.

You wanna have another baby?

Oh, yes.

My only regret in life
is that I only had one child,

and yet I live with two.

False alarm.

So what are you
ladies talking about?

Marriage.
Marriage.

Ah, marriage.

The most sacred covenant

that exists between
a man and a woman.

Which reminds me...

Yes?

I have to get going home.

I promised my wife I'd give
the kids a bath tonight.

See, Jerri?

See how important marriage is?

Well, if it's not
the future spinster.

For your information,
faggottess,

I have a whole new
outlook on... oh, hey!

There's my be-throttled.

Boo!

Ronnie, I got
something to tell you.

Jerri?
Oh, please.

I've been
thinking about that "F".

And compared with being in
a fake marriage with you,

I'm looking forward to that "F".

Ronstens, baby!

Where's this coming from?

Look, I know I've been
tough on you

during our pretend marriage,

but it's only because
I pretend love you so much.

But people can change!

And I know if you give
me a chance,

I can make you change.

I don't know, Jerri...

Honey, please!

Please don't take away
the tools I need to learn

so I won't end up alone.

Me, alone!

Maybe... trade you lunch.

Gotta keep my hubby healthy
with some firm stoolies.

Thanks.

And I brought you a picture
of me to put in your locker.

Thanks.

I'll try to find
a place for that.

That's my Ronnie.

I understand some of you
are having trouble

with your budgets,
so my husband and I...

[GIGGLING]

Are gonna go
over our team budget

to give you an example.

Now, the most important part

in creating a budget
is... sacrifice.

Sacrifice.

Okay, we'll list our needs.

I'll go first.

I've included...
beans.

Simple, versatile, and a good
source of protein.

Geoffrey?

Okay.

First on my list is
a 50-gallon saltwater tank

with pump, gravel,

and a mechanical
sunken treasure chest.

And what's that for?

That's for
the next item on my list:

Six long-necked sapphire blue
Japanese puffer fish.

Very rare, very delicate.

That's why I got six... we're
probably gonna lose a few.

They're poisonous!

What's next on your list?

A dishwasher.

A dishwasher?

Don't we have one of those?

What do you mean?

I mean your hands in the sink.

[LAUGHING]

I'm just kidding.

But seriously, that seems
a little extravagant.

Why don't we put a
question mark on that one.

Okay, next on my list,
a Turkish bidet.

[BELL RINGING]

Okay, class.

Tomorrow we'll cover
spontaneity in marriage

and how to plan for it.

Hey, check out
your husband and his

lady friend over there.

You better keep that one
on a short leash.

That's a good one, Nuttage.

I'll keep my eye on him.

Nancy?

Washing the stink of cheat
off your hands, hussy?

I saw you giving
my hubby a chubby.

What are you talking about?

Look, I don't know
if anyone's told you,

but for the next week, your
boyfriend belongs to me.

But, Jerri...

Uh-uh-uh...

I'm gonna say this once,
two times, so listen up.

Stay away from my husband... one.

Stay away from my husband... two.

Understand?

Or do I need to repeat myself?

Good shootin', Chuck.

My aim's a little off.

Let's check your grip.

Get her up there.

Now squeeze the...

Where'd you get
the charm bracelet?

Oh, we thought it would be
funny if Cherri went out

and bought me an expensive gift.

We have a lot of laughs.

This is still just pretend.

Of course it is.

I mean, I'd have to be crazy
to take this seriously.

Right?

Insane.

I'm a confirmed bachelor.

Yeah, both of us.

What about Claire?

Who?

Your wife.
Right.

Except for her.

You ready for the big hunting
trip this weekend?

Oh, is that this weekend?

Every weekend, Geoffrey.

I already made the jerky.

It'll keep.

I promised Cher-Cher I would
take her away this weekend.

You understand, right?

What I understand is you're
gonna start losing contact

with your guy friends.

Maybe I could come over
to your house tonight.

Yeah.

Wait, Claire's home tonight.

Great!

I'll bring Cherri.

She'd love to meet her.

I think that's my target, Chuck.

Really?

Whaddaya know.

Chuck!

No running!

What's all this stuff?

Oh, I moved in
a few knickknacks.

How did you get in?

I jimmied the lock
with a toenail.

Look, Jerri...

Don't worry, Ronnie.

Everything's gonna be just fine.

Especially since I had
that "chat" with Nancy.

What are you talking about?

I set her straight.

I think she's
dropping out of school.

What?!

Ronnie, no!

You made a fake
sacred oath to me!

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Hey!

Look who's here.

Well, well, well.

Hey, we got you this.

Oh, wow!

Honey, look.
Look at that.

That is... look at...
What is that?

Look at what that is.

We could use one of those.

Well, here we are.

Did you have trouble
finding the place?

No, I've been here
plenty of times.

When have you been here?

I can't remember.

Was I ever here?

Nope, I don't think you were.

I guess I wasn't.

Hey, Claire, love your
Madam Precious dolls.

Where'd you get 'em?

Oh, they're Chucks.

Please don't open that!

Please.

My pride and joy.

I've gotten them every
place I haven't been.

Look at the detail.

Each of the little natives
is dressed in his

colorful, traditional garb.

See, the Navajo's got
a little bottle of firewater,

and look at the bag of diamonds

and the giant
hooked nose on the...

Who touched my
Peruvian Shepherd?

Seamus?!

Chuck, he's in bed with
the chicken pox.

Why do you always take his side?

Seamus, I have
told you 100 times:

My toys are not playthings!

Can I not have anything
of my own in this house?!

God bless it!

Let's eat.

Before we dig in, Chuck
always likes to say grace.

Since when?

Just something I always do...
With my family.

Let's read a quick
passage from the Bible here.

I'll grab something at random.

"Leviticus, chapter 20:

"And if a man lies down
with another man,

"both of them have
committed an abomination.

They shall surely
be put to death."

Amen.
Amen.

Dig in!

Scissors are right there
to your left.

I hope you enjoy it.

Oh, Claire, what did
you boil here?

JELLINECK:
That looks good.

CHERRI:
I'll take a round one.

[CHUCKLING]

Does anyone want
some more coffee?

Yeah, I'd love some more coffee.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh!

Uh-oh, Mr. Clumsybones.

g*dd*mn it!

You're picking at my
brain like a jackal!

Mmm, this is good!

Whaddaya got in here?

Coffee and water.

Mmm, how did you get it
so gosh-darned hot?

Geoffrey, why don't we
go down to my workroom?

I'll show you my drill press.

I've seen that press
a million times, Chuck.

When have you seen it?

I mean, I'd like to
see it a million times.

Let's go.

It's delicious!

I'm sorry.

Geoffrey isn't
usually like this.

Chuck is.

Sorry for that little
outburst up there.

Sometimes she just
pushes my buttons.

You're lucky you can still feel.

You beginning to see what
I'm talking about?

Yeah, your marriage is crap.

I'm talking about
you and Cherri.

What?

No, me and Cherri are nothing
like you and Claire.

I mean, yeah,
we've had our ups and downs

over the last two days,

but everything's
gonna be fine...

I think.

Geoffrey!

Gotta go.

Geoffrey!

That was fun at
the Noblets' last night.

Yeah, that was a good time.

I really like that Claire,

and I really like what
the two of them have together.

What do you mean?

I mean, we're the perfect
model for the kids,

and Chuck and Claire are
the perfect model for us.

I got my bags packed.

I thought we could leave
right after school

for our special weekend.

Great!

Geoffrey...
Hmm?

Can I tell you something?

I don't know,
will it take a long time?

I love you.

I love you too, honeybunch!

No, Geoffrey,
not the assignment.

I... I love you.

Coach Wolf?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can come back later.

Oh, nonsense.

You get in here.

What's on that mind of yours?

Well, I was thinking...

I gotta go.
Geoffrey!

I'm sorry, I just remembered
I left the light on in my...

Other life.

What do you want, Ronnie?

Jerri is nuts.

I wanna switch partners.

You can't switch partners in
the middle of the assignment.

There you are.

Now, how am I supposed to
trust you if I can't find you?

You see, Ronnie, when you're
out of my sights,

I start to imagine you

slutting it up
with that sl*t of yours.

And it makes me wanna do
things that are wrong.

Don't make me do
those wrong things, Ronnie.

Don't make me.

I want out!

Ronald, pooh bear, baby.

Huh?

We belong together.

We're like a cobra
and a mongoose.

I bet it's because
of that sl*t Nancy.

No, Jerri.

It's because of
everything you do and say.

I knew it was her!

Look, if you wanna end
this fake marriage,

we'll grant you a fake
divorce and a very real "F".

That's good with me!

Ronnie!

Ronnie!

Aahhh!

I'll see you later.

This won't take long.

Hey, Nancy, what's it
like being a wh*re?

Oh, wait a minute,
I know that one.

What's it like
being a home wrecker?

Look, marriage is
the most sacred

and time-honored institution.

Principal Blackman,
your ex-wife's lawyer

is on the phone.

Tell him I'm not here!

I'm not paying that
woman another cent!

So what?

I had a few indiscretions, but
I always kept the house clean.

I really hate to fail you kids.

This is all
the more tragic to me,

because I'm in the middle of

a wonderful fake marriage
right now.

I wish everyone could find
the joy and happiness that...

Hey, Cherri, guess what?

I'm not gonna be able to go
on our weekend together?

Why, where are you going?

I'm a little sick.

Thought I'd stay home, grade
some papers, drink some tea.

Geoffrey!

Gotta go.

Pow.

What was I saying?

Oh, yeah, I remember.

Marriage is a sham for fools.

For failing at it,
you two get A+s.

A+... good deal.

Hocus pocus dominocus.

I grant your divorce.

Hello.

I'm Bebe Neuwirth.

Sadly, one half of all
marriages end in divorce.

That's over 75%.

The other 25% end in
drunk-driving accidents.

The choice is up to you.

Don't get married,
then drink and drive.

It's a recipe for disaster.

Thank you, and good night.