02x01 - Pest of a Guest/U.S. Acres: The Impractical Joker/Fat & Furry

[bunniefuu]

-

- Garfield,

- Garfield, what

- Garfield, what are

- Garfield, what are you

- Garfield, what are you trying

- Gato tell me? Oh, charades?ng

I love charades.

Let's see. First word, me.

No, you. Your--your.

First word is your.

Uh, your leg, my leg, standing?

Standing in something.

Uh, third word.

I--sounds like i.

Buy, shy, sky, my. My?

My. Third word is my.

Fourth word.

Uh, eating--food. Food.

You're standing in my food.

You're standing in my food.

I got it. That was great.

Now it's my turn.

This is a movie title, okay?

Five words.

- Ladies and gentlemen,

Garfield and friends.

[ Music ]

- ™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª to help you ♪

™ª get started, to give you ♪

™ª a push on your way ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª to turn around ♪

™ª get your feet on the ground ♪

™ª for a brand-new day ♪

- ™ª they pick you up ♪

™ª when you're down ♪

- 媻 help you swallow
your pride ♪

™ª when something inside ♪

™ª says to break on through ♪

™ª to the other side ♪

- ™ª friends are someone ♪

™ª you can open up to ♪

- ™ª when you feel ♪

™ª like you're ready to flip ♪

- ™ª when you've got ♪

™ª the world on your shoulders ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

™ª to give you a tip ♪

- ™ª friends are there ♪

™ª when you need them ♪

™ª they're even there ♪

™ª when you don't ♪

- ™ª for a walk in the park ♪

™ª or a shot in the dark, ♪

™ª friends are there ♪

- ™ª I don't care ♪

- ™ª but friends will ♪

™ª care for you ♪

- I suppose you're all

Wondering why

I asked you here today.

- You cold, odie?

- Wah.

- I wish we had more wood

For the fire.

Oh, thanks, garfield.

Boy, a night like this,

It's good to be inside and--

Oh, thanks garfield.

Isn't it nice of garfield

To fetch wood for the fire?

- Yeah.

- Thank you, garfield.

I don't know where he--

Hey, this wood looks familiar.

Garfield.

- Hey, you said wood,

You didn't say from where.

- Garfield, how could you?

- [ Doorbell rings ]

- Just a sec.

- Who'd be stupid enough to be

Out on a night like this?

No. Not even him.

- Uh, this looks like

A likely place, most likely.

- Hello? Oh, you poor

Little kitty cat.

Don't worry, kitty cat,

We'll warm you up.

- Ah, my favorite.

A small bowl of hot soup.

- Huh?

- Hey, to me, anything

That can't double as a hot tub

Is a small bowl.

Ah, I love soup.

Soup's kinda thin tonight.

- Here kitty.

Please try and eat some of this.

- [ Slurping ]

- Garfield, I'm surprised

At you.

This poor kitty is starving.

- Hey, this poor kitty

Is starving, okay?

- You'll spend the night

With us, kitty cat.

- That cat is a scheming,

Conniving, evil phony

Who deserves to be punished.

- And tomorrow I'll make

My special casserole

A la arbuckle for you.

- Ooh, but not that punished.

Oh, well, I guess it won't hurt

To have that

Freeloading cat around.

I just want to sleep.

- [ Snoring ]

- One moment, please.

All set.

The marine corps band

Plays songs to make

Your neighbors move

To another zip code.

This ought to do it.

- [ Music ]

- Sorry, did you want to hear

A different song?

How about a three-record set

Of reggae favorites played by

An all-girl bagpipe orchestra?

- Oh, what a sweet blanket.

I could stay here for months.

Years even.

- I'll fix you a place to sleep

For the night.

- Well, that's better.

Make sure the mattress

Isn't too firm.

And I'll need

An electric blanket,

And two pillows.

Someone's gonna swing for this.

- Ooh!

- This is getting serious.

I'm gonna have to resort

To drastic means.

Gee, you seem healthy now.

- Uh, yeah. I ought to be back

To my full strength in oh,

Six or seven weeks.

- Jon will do his best

To fatten you up.

- Pardon? Why would he want

To fatten me up?

- Oh, no reason.

- [ Evil laugh ]

- It's hard to touch type

With paws.

Have fun while it lasts, fellow.

- Hey, pal.

How come you're leaving

A terrific spread like this?

- Because you're here.

And thank you, thank you,

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you,

Thank you. I thought jon

Would never get another cat.

- Hey, then I guess

I can stay forever.

- Yeah. Forever.

Tomorrow he's making casserole

A la arbuckle.

- So?

- So, don't you know

The main ingredient

Of casserole a la arbuckle?

- Uh, no.

- Well, it's--no. Never mind.

Forget I mentioned it.

Goodbye forever.

- Hmm, where would that guy

Keep recipes?

Let's see. Candied meatballs,

No. Cantaloupe chow mein.

Oh, here it is.

Casserole a la arbuckle.

One cup of milk,

Two tablespoons flour, carrots,

Potatoes, one kitty cat,

Add salt to taste.

Kitty cat?

- Hungry little kitty?

We've got to fatten you up.

- Fatten me up?

- I'm looking forward

To having you

For dinner tonight.

The dish I'm making

Is odie's favorite.

- He's tasting me. Yeow!

The house is all yours. Bye.

- Kitty? Kitty, don't leave.

What about my dinner? Oh, well.

What a sweet little cat.

Garfield, why can't you be

More like him.

- You want me to be

More like him? Sure.

Food. [ Coughs ]

Food.

This poor starving kitty

Needs food.

- Oh, well.

I'll go clean up the kitchen.

- Ah, I have my castle back.

I'm happy here, and nothing

Can ever stop that.

- Hey, what's this recipe?

This looks kinda interesting.

Hmm, one kitty cat.

- Very funny. He's kidding.

Isn't he?

- Today I explore

The murky depths of the waller.

- You won't get away from me,

Worm!

A ha! There's the worm.

- Yeow!

- [ Snoring ]

- [ Alarm clock ringing ]

- [ Trumpet ]

- Wake up everybody!

It's a living.

- Yoo-hoo, roy. Package.

It's from the baffo book barn

In walla walla, washington.

- The baffo book barn

Of walla walla, washington?

You don't know how long

I've been waiting for this.

Ta-da! One thousand and one ways

To insult your friends.

My dream book.

Listen to this.

I wouldn't say you're short,

But you could pace around

Your room under the bed.

- [ Laughing ]

- Hey wade, do you know

What's red and green

And covered with fur

And has eight legs?

- Uh, no. What?

- I don't know either,

But there's one

On your shoulder?

- Yuck! Oh, get it off.

Get it off! Get it off!

- [ Laughing ]

- Love this book.

Hey, lanolin.

You could make money

With that mouth of yours.

- I could?

- Yeah. Rent it out

For a boat show.

- [ Laughing ]

- Ha ha, very funny.

Very funny.

- Hey, sheldon,

Know how to keep a dummy

In suspense for 24 hours?

- No. How?

- I'll tell you tomorrow.

[ Laughing ]

- That's not funny, roy.

- We have to do something

About roy.

- I've had it up to here

With that rooster.

- Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it.

Look, we all know roy

Loves jokes,

But his are harmless.

- Help! Help!

Green and red thing

On my person. Oh help!

Roy said so.

- I'll go have a word with him.

- Roy implied that I have

A big mouth.

Can you believe that?

I don't have a big mouth, do i?

- I wouldn't say you're fat,

Orson, but when you

Sit around the house,

You sit around the house.

- [ Laughing ]

- Roy, that's not funny.

- What do you mean, not funny?

Is your funny bone broke?

™ª everybody likes to laugh ♪

媻 can't you take a joke? 媻

™ª you're stupid and simple ♪

™ª there's more brains ♪

™ª in a pimple ♪

™ª when you're around ♪

™ª I fall asleep ♪

™ª you could bore a rock ♪

™ª you're dirty and disgusting ♪

™ª your body needs a dusting ♪

™ª I wear a clothespin ♪

™ª on my nose ♪

™ª your smell could ♪

™ª stop a clock ♪

™ª you're fat ♪

™ª you're pink ♪

™ª and worst of all ♪

™ª you stink ♪

™ª you'll always be lonely ♪

™ª because you are so homely ♪

™ª when you were born ♪

™ª I'll bet your mom ♪

™ª got slapped by the doctor ♪

[ Laughing ]

I sold your pants

To the circus, orson.

They're going to take them

In and make a tent.

You have a supreme court figure,

No appeal.

You should get

Into the movies, orson.

You could play crowd scenes

All by yourself. [ Laughing ]

- That's it, you're fired.

- F--f--f--fired?

- You're history. Hit the road.

- [ Rambling ]

- Look out, look out,

Here comes roy!

- Huh, what's the matter,

Rooster? No smart remarks

About my mouth?

- Or my courage?

- I will never jest again.

I am a broken rooster.

Orson fired me.

I guess the last laugh's

On old roy, huh? Farewell.

- Come on. We've got to get

Orson to change his mind.

- Think of what it would be

Like without roy around?

- Come on, pig.

You said roy's jokes

Were harmless.

- Well, I guess that's when

They weren't about me.

- We need a rooster.

- Then we'll find a new one.

Whoever we hire has got to be

Better to be around than roy.

- We could do worse.

- How?

- Like that friend of yours,

Wade, that duck that came by

Last year.

- Oh, fred duck. Yeah.

He was annoying.

- Oh, yeah.

If he was around, orson

Would welcome roy back.

- I'll go call him.

- Well, I did kind of want

A rooster, not a duck.

- I'm a duck.

Fred duck's my name,

And quacking's my game.

I won't let you down, pal.

Fred duck never lets folks down.

No, sir.

Say, what time is lunch

Around here,

And is there any left

After you eat?

- Ha ha ha.

Let me tell you

How to get on my good side.

- I know. Go down three blocks

And turn left.

Hey, I know a lady

Who's got a build like you.

Yeah. She's got so many

Double chins she needs

A bookmark to find her pearls.

Quack quack.

I love that one.

Hey pal, you know

What makes a balloon go up?

- Hot air.

- Yeah.

So what's holding you down?

Quack quack quack.

Hey, now there's a guy

Who appreciates

A good sense of humor.

- I gotta get away
from that duck.

- Hey pig, I know

You're a light eater.

I ought to give you

A piece of my mind.

- Be careful, you don't have

A lot to spare.

You're fired.

Hit the sky, duck.

- But orson, we need a rooster.

- Hey, is this your stomach, or

Are you smuggling beach ba*ls?

- Get roy back!

Find roy and hire him back.

- Thanks, cousin.

- Call me anytime.

Let's do lunch.

- Where will we find roy?

- He's probably miles away

By now.

- Who's miles away?

- You got your job back, roy?

- I don't deserve it. After all

The rotten things I said

About you.

Sheldon, I'm sorry I said

You were so dull you could put

Coffee to sleep.

And booker, I'm sorry

I said you were so short

Snow white could give you

Hand me downs.

And wade, I'm sorry I said--

I said you were so cowardly

You--you ought to

Borrow a spine.

[ Laughing ]

And lanolin,

[ Laughing ]

I'm sorry I said--

[ Laughing ]

I can't get it out.

- Nice to have roy back,

Isn't it.

- I stopped letting jon

Buy the groceries.

He occasionally leaves something

In the store.

Jon gave me his wallet

To buy all the food I wanted,

And he'll find that out

As soon as I get home. Change?

You mean, there's money

Left over?

What else can I buy?

Oh, give me a lottery ticket.

Snap it up, men,

And don't put the watermelons

On top of the potato chips

Like last time.

Lottery ticket number 7777779.

That's my lucky number.

It's the average number

Of calories I consume per day,

When I'm eating light.

I hope I didn't buy

Too much food.

- 81 Cupcakes?




Why would we possibly need


- In case I get the urge

To fill the hot tub

With onion soup.

- How could you spend

This total?

- I had a coupon

For eight cents off

On dishwashing detergent.

- What's this?

The cuckoo from my cuckoo clock?

Don't tell me this broke.

- Yeah. But don't worry,

I found us

A designated pinch cuckoo.

- [ Six barks ]

- Six o'clock.

Time for my favorite show.

- Welcome to lifestyles

Of the fat and furry.

Traveling the globe

To bring you the fabulously

Fantastic fancies of famous

And financially fit felines.

- It's a show about rich cats.

- Here in her magnificent

Malibu mansion, the wonderfully

Wealthy fluffy relaxes

In regal splendor.

And should a mouse happen by,

Fluffy needn't soil her paws,

For her butler tends

To such matters

With great haste.

When we return,

Meet a cat with his own

Private flea circus.

- Good evening.

It's time to pick this week's

Winning lottery number.

- I hope I win. I hope I win.

- What a waste

These contests are.

Do you know the odds

Of that man picking

The number 77777779?

- For the $10 million prize,

The winning number is 77777779.

- See? What did I tell you.

Let's go have dessert.

- It's mine!

- It's mine! Give it, whoa!

Here it is!

I found it! I found it!

We're rich, odie!

Isn't that exciting?

- This one is only

Three million.

The dining room

Can seat 40.

- That's okay for me,

But where will

Everyone else eat?

- We'll take it.

- Welcome to lifestyles

Of the fat and furry.

Today, bringing you

The rags to riches,

Catnip to caviar tale

Of the latest

Meowing millionaire.

Of all the affluent animals

We've met, none so wallows

In wealth as this

Prosperous pussycat.

He's garfield the cat,

And boy is he rich.

- [ Bell rings ]

- Garfield's million dollar

Morning commences each day

With breakfast in bed,

Brought by his many servants.

Actually, only the first 20

Of them are bringing

His breakfast.

The rest are delivering lunch.

Recreation is important.

Each morn garfield

Enjoys a vigorous game

Of tennis.

And what he enjoys most

Is not playing.

Sometimes his faithful friend,

Odie, suggests

A recreational activity.

- You want me

To throw the stick

And you fetch it?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- No cat has ever lounged more

In the lap of luxury.

- [ Whining ]

[ Barking ]

- Dinnertime is

Garfield's favorite.

His private gourmet chef

Waits for garfield

To select an entree

From today's personal menu.

- I'll have

The microwave lasagna.

- But sometimes this pussycat

With the k*ller palate

Craves something more exotic.

Off he jets

To the city of lights,

Paris, where not far

From the champs-elysees

He visits one of

The world's great,

Most expensive restaurants.

- I'll have the

Microwave lasagna.

- Back here in the states,

I'm speaking with his human,

Jon carbunkle.

- That's arbuckle.

- How do you feel about

All of this mr. Arsfinkle?

- We're all thrilled

About winning the $10 million,

Aren't we, odie?

- [ Whining ]

- Well, I'm just glad

I bought that ticket

That won the money.

- Uno momento,

Credit where it's due.

I'm the one

Who bought the ticket.

- What's that you are saying,

Kitty cat? You, not he,

Bought the winning ticket?

- You bet your microphone,

Fellow.

- Well, an interesting

Turn of events.

It seems it was the cat

Who bought the ticket,

Not the human.

- One moment. The law says

You have to be 18

To buy a lottery ticket

In this state.

That cat is too young.

- O-h.

I'll have extra birthdays.

- Sorry. Rules are rules.

I have to disqualify you

And award the 10 million

To the person

With card number 888888883.

- That's my number? I won.

I'm rich. I'm financially set.

I won! I can stop doing

This stupid show and talking

In this annoying voice.

I won. I won! [ Laughs ]

- Do we have any

Microwave lasagna

In the fridge at home?