03x11 - Count Lasagna/U.S. Acres: Mystery Guest/Rodent Ramage

[bunniefuu]

Ladies

Ladies and

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield and

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield and Friends!

Ladies and gentlemen,
Garfield ♪♪d Friends!

We're...

We're...

ready...

ready...

to...

to...

party!

♪ We're ready to party,
we're ready, yo! ♪

-[Garfield] ♪ I hope you
bring lots of spaghetti ♪

♪ Come on in, come to the
place where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in,
it's time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends ♪

Dancing...

Fiesta...

Romancing...

Siesta...

Samba...

La bamba...

Ay caramba!

Disguises...

Disguises...

Surprises...

Surprises...

And pies of...

And pies of...

all sizes!

♪ Come on in,
come to the place ♪

♪ Where fun never
ends, you bet! ♪

♪ Come on in,
it's time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends! ♪

♪ Come on in,
it's time to party ♪

♪ With Garfield and Friends! ♪

♪ Garfield and Friends! ♪

I'd like to buy
a vowel, please.

♪♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

kicking Odie
off the table.

Thank you.

Awww!

Thanks, buddy.

[spooky soundtrack plays]

[Jon] "His footsteps grew
quicker and quicker

as his fears grew.

He could almost hear the
sinister eyes watching him,

eying him, and then
the creature came forth."

[thunder]

[Jon] "He ran,
but it was too late.

He found himself staring

right into the evil image of...

Count Lasagna!

The delivery man
fled for his life

as the cat moved forward and
feasted on the lasagna and..."

[man] A cat?! Lasagna?
Wait a minute, Arbuckle.

My readers will never go
for a comic book like that.

Just listen to a little
more, Mr. Finster.

I spent a lot of time
working on this.

[Garfield] Let's see:
ham, roast beef,

eight sandwiches,

gallon of clam chowder, tuna...

[whining]

Sorry, Odie, didn't bring
enough food for you.

Arbuckle, it's late.
I've gotta get home.

Just hear a little more
of it, sir, please?

Pretty please?

[Garfield] Doesn't he
have any dignity?

[whimpering]

You want something?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My readers want
mutants and ninjas

and ninjas and mutants.

Let me tell you a little
more of the story.

See, this is where
Count Lasagna lived,

the castle of Count Dracula.

[boss] Dracula?

[Jon] Dracula. The most feared
name across the land.

Count Lasagna was his cat.

[wolves howling]

"Dracula slept by
day in his coffin,

but, when the
moon came out..."

Where is Count Lasagna?

The moon is calling us forth.

[Count Lasagna protesting]

Bluh!

You are going out to
prowl, Count Lasagna.

[Count Lasagna] Hey, I had
a hard day's sleep. Bluh.

[Jon] "Everyone feared him,

but none more so
than the people at..."

[phone rings]

[man] Yello! Transylvania
House of Lasagna, we deliver.

Uh-huh. Two orders
with meat sauce.

Please, no!

We'll have it there
in under 30 minutes.

No! Don't send me out
there, he'll get me.

Just like he's gotten all
the other delivery men.

Come on, he's just a cat.

I'll wear a
wreath of garlic,

that's supposed
to keep them away.

Actually, he loves garlic.

Here, try this
wreath of raisins.

But... but... I
have a wife and kids.

[Jon] "For weeks
now, Count Lasagna

had spread his wave of
terror over the city.

No one was safe:
pizzerias, spaghetti takeouts,

even sidewalk macaroni vendors."

[bat screeching]

"None could avoid the
cravings of Count Lasagna."

Look into my eyes! Bluh!

Please! No! No!

I said look into my eyes.

They're very big
and hard to miss.

[bats screeching]

Give me the lasagna, bluh!

[man] Yes, Master.

[cackles]

[Jon] "The villagers were
outraged by their inability

to get any Italian food."

Hey! Hey! Let us
storm the castle

and destroy the
evil Count Lasagna!

[shouting]

[Jon] "Soon, the villagers were,
indeed, storming the castle."

[wind whistling]

Count Lasagna!

Bluh! The villagers
are storming the castle!

[Count Lasagna] The villagers
always storm the castle.

Haven't you ever seen
a monster movie? Bluh!

They are bringing a stake.

A steak? Tell them
I want it medium rare,

with some sautéed
mushrooms. Bluh!

Not that kind of stake.

Oh.

They are here.

We must flee for our
lives, Count Lasagna.

We have no lives,
but we must flee anyway.

[Jon] "They always knew it
would someday come to this,

and so they had
their escape all planned.

It looked like they
would get away,

but one of the villagers
had a fiendish idea."

I know how to capture
that Count Lasagna!

[Jon] "The villagers knew
Count Lasagna well,

knew that his bat-like
radar senses

would home in on anything
in the vicinity

that had tomato, garlic,
and more than 400 calories."

Count Lasagna! Come
back! It is a trick.

A trick!

[bat screeches]

[Jon] "That was how they
caught Count Lasagna.

The villagers put him
on a low starch diet and--"

Enough, Arbuckle.
I have heard quite enough

of this silly idea of yours.

It would make
a great comic book.

It's too far-out!

A cat that sleeps all day

and devours every bit
of lasagna in the city?

[Garfield] What's so
far-out about that?

Come on, guys, let's go.

Well, thank you for
listening, Mr. Finster.

I know I kept you late.

Don't waste my time

with any more silly
vampire stories, Arbuckle.

[chuckles]

Vampires, cats
that turn into bats.

I can't believe the nonsense

some people expect
folks to believe.

Ah, the moon is full.

[diabolical laughter]

Now, wolf people,
that makes sense!

[howls]

[laughs madly]

Oh, I am a farming failure.
Nothing I plant ever grows.

Wade, it takes time.

Not with Bo,
it doesn't.

♪ Dee dee, dee dee ♪

Let's see, now.

Carrot seeds, tomatoes,
lettuce, beets, corn,

and cucumbers.

If you want a real
fresh salad bar,

like you gotta
grow your own, man.

Give it up.

Good advice.

All right, Orson,

it's time for the
Mystery Guest game.

Mystery Guest game?

OK, how do we play?

Not yet.

We have to do the Mystery
Guest theme song first.

Hit it!

♪♪

♪ Can you guess
the Mystery Guest? ♪

♪ Take a shot and
give it your best ♪

♪ If you need help,
I'll give you a clue ♪

♪ He's not a singing raisin
and he's not painted blue ♪

♪ If you're at home
and you've got the gall ♪

♪ Pick up your telephone
and give us a call ♪

♪ Use your brain, but
wait, that's not fair ♪

♪ I forgot that
there's nothing there ♪

Ha ha ha!

OK. Now, how is
this game played?

Wait, O impatient pig.

We have prizes
to talk about first.

Fred, what do we have
for the winner?

-[Fred] It's a tractor, Roy!
-[applause]

Roy, you can't give away
the farmer's tractor.

Relax. No one
will ever win.

[Fred] Yes, it's the 1973
model Grunge-co tractor,

complete with engine, seat,
and white sidewall treads.

Now you can plow
your geraniums under

just like the professionals do.

And it's all yours

if you can identify
the Mystery Guest.

And now back to you, Roy.

♪ Now you've seen the
prize you can win ♪

♪ The telecans are ready,
ya better call in ♪

♪ All right, I'll give
you just one more hint ♪

♪ He never has any
belly button lint ♪

♪ OK, time's up,
give me your guess ♪

♪ Who do you think
it is, more or less ♪

♪ What's taking so long?
My hints are the best ♪

♪ Can you guess ♪

♪ Our Mystery Guest? ♪

That's Fred Duck.

He's only on the
show once a season.

Thanks a lot, Fred.

Thanks, Roy, I
appreciate the gig.

[applause]

All right, Mystery Guest,
will you enter, please?

[drumroll]

[gong sounds]

-[Orson] That's Gar--

-[Roy] You wanna give
away the answer?

-[telephone rings]

-Let's see. Here's
our first caller.

All right, do you know who
the Mystery Guest is?

[man] Yeah, is that,
uh, Yogi Bear?

No, I'm sorry,
that's not right.

Roy, there is no one in
the world who is so stupid

they don't know
who that is.

[pig] Gee, I wonder
who that is.

Maybe it's
the president.

Well, that's dumb.

The president is taller
than that, uh, I think.

We could use that tractor
to steal vegetables.

Let us put our heads together.

Thinking hurts.

Yeah. [snorts]

Let's just go steal it.

[man] Uh, is it
my brother-in-law Sal?

Nope. Here's another clue.

The Mystery Guest sleeps
and eats all day

and never does any work.

[man] It could still be Sal.

Roy, I am having nothing
more to do with this.

Goodbye!

Next clue: the
Mystery Guest is fat

and completely
covered with hair.

[telephone rings]

[man] Uh, you sure
it isn't Sal?

Oh, if only a vegetable or two
would grow in my garden.

I'd settle for a
radish or three.

[Roy] Our Mystery
Guest is the star

of a popular cartoon show

that's on the air
right this minute.

[telephone rings]

May I have your name
and occupation?

Uh, my name is Jon Arbuckle
and I'm a cartoonist.

[Garfield] No chance.

Well, Jon Arbuckle,

who do you think
the Mystery Guest is?

[Jon] Uh, well, uh...
he looks familiar.

[Garfield] Told ya.

Buzz! I'm sorry. Time's up.

Well, let's take another
look at our grand prize.

Uh, announcer?

-Uh-oh!
-[Roy] Oh, that's right.

My announcer flew south
for the winter.

I'll read it.

-It's the 1973
Grunge-co tractor!

The only tractor
that comes complete

with cellular manure spray.

Grunge-co, makers
of adequate tractors

for over 17 weeks now.

Back to me!

Well, if no one wins,

we'll put another tractor
in the jackpot.

Say, Vanna's putting on
a little weight there.

If you're not careful, the
judges will disqualify you.

How do you start this thing?

Uh, how about pushing
the start button?

Oh, sure, if you want
to do it the easy way.

[tractor starts]

Hey, Orson, your brothers
are like stealing hubcaps

with the whole tractor attached.

My brothers?!

We have to stop them!

How do we stop them?

Like, leave it to
the sheep, man.

Phooey! I am giving up on
trying to grow anything here.

[incoming whistle]

No, it's too late
to make up.

[yelling]

Good work, Bo.

We'll lock it up so they
can't steal it again.

Hey, they're taking
the tractor.

How we gonna get it now?

I know. We can
still win it.

Well, it looks like no one
identified the Mystery Guest,

so here's the answer:
it's Garfield the cat.

[Garfield] I bet you
had no idea, right?

-Well, since nobody won...
-[pig] We wanna guess!

The contest's over. The correct
answer was Garfield the cat.

You can't trick us,
it's Binky the clown.

Abraham Lincoln?

Oprah Winfrey?

[Orson] I think we have
some lasagna in the house.

Walt Disney?

Peewee Herman.

Michael Jackson.

Clint Eastwood.

No, it's Garfield cat.

[pigs guessing]

Christie Brinkley.

[guessing continues]

This is the kitchen, Tyrone.

You can help your-
self to a snack.

Hey, thanks, Floyd.

Hey, nice place
you got here.

This is gonna be
a great vacation, cousin.

I spent so much time outwitting
that cat at home that I--

I'm just glad
you could be here.

I don't get on
the show too often.

Floyd, a cat.

A cat? Where?

[humming]

Relax, Tyrone.
That's not a cat.

That's Garfield.

Hi, Garfield.

Hi, Floyd.

[Floyd] See you
later, Garfield.

Hey, you're beautiful.
Let's do lunch.

That is a cat. Why
didn't he chase you?

Eh, Garfield
doesn't chase mice.

In fact, there's a rumor
he hasn't run since 1987.

A cat that doesn't
chase mice?

Let's see if there's
anything on worth watching.

Hey, kids!

Yes, Binky's own circus
and wild animal show

is in town now and...

Nope.

[crash!]

I always snack
before I go to bed.

And don't think it's easy
going to bed 18 times a day.

[yawns]

[honk]

Gee, I thought I heard
a pastry truck go by.

Hey, cat!

Yikes!

What is it?

Is it true you
don't chase mice?

What are you?

A mouse.

What am I doing?

Not chasing me.

You got it. [snoring]

Oh, boy, a cat that
doesn't chase mice.

This is great.

He doesn't
chase mice?

Told ya. gInger sn*p?

Don't mind if I do.

Something's wrong.
This is no fun.

There's
no challenge.

It's... it's...
it's... a...

a mouse!

It's a mouse!

There's a mouse
in my house.

I need a mousetrap.
No, first I need cheese.

No, wait, I need a cat.
I have to get a cat.

Wait, I have a cat, sort of.

Have you no self-respect?

I'm a mouse and you're
a cat and cats chase mice.

Now, chase me.

[snoring]

This offends
my sensibilities.

♪ Garfield, there's
a mouse in the house ♪

♪ Let me sleep ♪

♪ You're supposed to be a cat ♪

♪ You're a creep ♪

♪ Well-run houses
don't have mice everywhere ♪

♪ An invasion of rodents
is more than I can bear ♪

♪ Ah, it's only Floyd
and I don't care ♪

♪ Let me sleep ♪

♪ A place for everything
and everything in its place ♪

♪ That's the way I try
to run my house ♪

♪ There's a place
for every spoon ♪

♪ and a place for every dish ♪

♪ But there simply are
no places for a mouse ♪

♪ A nap for every hour
and a dream for every nap ♪

♪ I give each the
attention it deserves ♪

♪ You know I don't do windows
and you know I don't do mice ♪

♪ So keep it down,
you're getting on my nerves ♪

♪ There's a mouse
in the house ♪

♪ Let me sleep ♪

♪ You're supposed
to be a cat ♪

♪ Not one peep ♪

♪ You work for me and
you've got a job to do ♪

♪ It's not in my contract,
see paragraph two ♪

♪ Garfield, get up,
I am warning you ♪

♪ Catch that mouse or
you're in trouble deep ♪

♪ Ahh, let me sleep! ♪

Garfield, you've got
to chase a mouse.

What is this sudden
obsession everyone

has with mouse chasing?

There is nothing
in this world

that can get me
to chase a mouse.

And because of him,

you won't get your
sausage lasagna tonight.

Like I said, there is nothing
in this world that can--

Did you say
sausage lasagna?

Hey, a cat's gotta do
what a cat's gotta do.

[Tyrone] Hey, Floyd.
I've decided.

If that cat won't chase mice,
I might as well enjoy it.

I'm making myself the biggest
sandwich I ever had.

Yowwww!

Oh, it's the alleged cat.

Hey, I'd be worried if you
were the kind who chases mice.

But since you aren't,
you don't scare me.

Nothing to be afraid of from
a cat who won't chase mice.

Nothing to, uh...
[laughs nervously]

Help. Change of attitude.

[blows raspberry]

Hope you like
tabasco sauce, cat.

Now, this is how mice and
cats are supposed to behave.

Did you ever notice how
long the hallways are

in these cartoon chases?

No, not even because
of sausage lasagna.

This isn't my style.
No more mouse chasing.

Quitter. You're a disgrace
to the name of cat.

Chase me, you p*ssy coward.

Come on, Tyrone, let's
leave Garfield alone.

No way, Floyd.

If this cat's
not gonna chase mice,

he deserves to have me eat
him out of house and home.

This may take a while
but I'm gonna do it.

Now get back in there
and catch that mouse.

What's this? Binky's
circus is in town?

Why do I--

Here's the answer
to all our problems.

Hey, that's not
a bad idea!

Hello. Binky's circus?
Do you rent animals?

Come on, Tyrone. Garfield's
OK. Give the cat a break.

If he doesn't chase mice,
he isn't really a cat.

[roars]

[Tyrone] Now, that's a cat!

[both scream]

Well, you got rid
of the mice, Garfield.

Never do for yourself
what you can have

someone else do for you.

A very neat job, too. There's
just one teensy detail.

Do you think you
could do something

to get rid of the lion?

Hey, I handled the mice.
This one's yours.

[theme song plays]

[background chatter, laughter]

Hey!

Whoo!