03x18 - Star Struck/U.S. Acres: Election Daze/Dirty Business

[bunniefuu]

- [Narrator]

- [Narrator] Ladies

- [Narrator] Ladies and

- [Narrator] Ladies and
gentlemen:

- [Narrator] Ladies and
gentlemen: Garfield

- [Narrator] Ladies and
gentlemen: Garfield and

♪ We're! We're! Ready! Ready! ♪

♪ To! To! Party! ♪

♪ We're ready to
party, we're ready ♪

♪ I hope you bring
lots of spaghetti ♪

♪ I'm scared ♪

♪ Come on in, come to the
place where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party
with Garfield and friends ♪

♪ Dancing, fiesta,
romancing, siesta ♪

♪ Samba, la bamba, ay caramba ♪

♪ Disguises! Disguises!
Surprises! Surprises! ♪

♪ And pies of-- and
pies of all sizes ♪

♪ Come on in, come to the
place where fun never ends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party
with Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Come on in, it's time to party
with Garfield and Friends ♪

♪ Garfield and Friends ♪

- [Garfield] Garfield and
friends will be right back.

At least I'll be.

[upbeat music]

Do a back flip, Odie.

Beg Odie.

[Odie whimpering]

Now roll over.

- [Jon] Garfield, dinner.

- [Garfield] Great dinner.

Now where's Odie?

[upbeat music]

Oh boy lasagna.

[playful growling]

That does it.

Cut, I said cut.

- Huh?

- [Man] Okay, what
is it, Garfield?

- [Garfield] I'd like to
express my extreme displeasure

with this script.

Are you listening out
there in the control booth

Mr. Director, sir?

- [Man] I hear you, go ahead.

- [Garfield] It's
about time you at home

see what goes on
behind the scenes

of a major Network TV show.

- Did I miss my cue?

What's happening?

- [Man] Sorry Jon,
Garfield stopped tape.

Quick somebody,
find the writers.

I think we've got some trouble.

- [Garfield] This is
supposed to be my show

and frankly I'm
tired of watching

all the good close-ups
and the best jokes

go to the guest stars
and the supporting cast.

- Supporting cast?

[Odie growls]

- [Man] So we cut
to a shot of Odie.

There has to be
more visual interest

than just you sleeping and
eating for an entire hour.

- [Garfield] I can do more
than just sleep and eat.

- [Man] That's what you do best.

In fact, that's just about
the only thing you do.

- [Garfield] Well I need
to stretch as an actor.

I can write a better
script than this one

and I'll prove it.

- [Man] All right, everyone.

Take a break.

- Come on Odie.

I'll treat you to a dog
biscuit over at the commissary.

- [Garfield] I'll show
him what a good script is.

[clears throat]

Fade in.

Every good script starts
with that don't ask me why.

I'll show him I can do
more than eat and sleep.

I need something to get
me out of the house.

An adventure story.

Exterior, pirate ship, day.

Camera pushes in.

Yeah, it's gonna
be really exciting.

I'll call it:
Garfield the Pirate.

Go fast mateys.

There's an ocean of treasure
out there for the taking.

I say there mateys.

Forgot about writing some
supporting characters

into the script.

Okay maybe I do need
the kid and the dog.

Jon and Odie enter
dressed as pirates.

Avast mateys, look lively and
prepare to repel boarders.

Tis the king's entire
fleet chasing us.

- Aye aye, Captain.

- Arr arr.

- [Garfield] Look,
off to the right.

- That's starboard.

- [Garfield] I knew that.
The king's armada.

[men shouting]

- We're under siege, Captain.

Give us your orders.

- [Garfield] It's up to
me to do what I do best.

[triumphant music]

I seem to have written
myself into a corner.

I seem to be eating
and sleeping again.

I'll write something with
a lot of action in it.

Let's see, got it.

Exterior, city street, night.

The criminal's getaway car
races through the street.

They think they've
made their getaway

but they fail to reckon
with the avenging force

of the Cat Crusader.

Nearing their hideout
when they see it,

the projected symbol it
strikes terror into the hearts

of criminals everywhere.

That's a ducky here's
a rabbit and a horsey.

Wait a minute, I'm a serious
dramatic crime fighter.

I don't do duckies and horsies.

Terror filled their hearts
as they saw the figure

of vengeance approach

and as the striped knight
neared them he knew

what he had to do.

[exciting music]

I did it again.

- [Man] Mr. Garfield,

the director says he's
waiting for the new script.

The one where you do
more than sleep and eat.

- [Garfield] Okay, this is it.

The most exciting cartoon
episode ever written.

Exterior, city, day.

The flying saucer
appears over the city.

The laser vapor ray
begins siphoning the atoms

out of all the buildings.

While the giant radioactive
space ape starts destroying

whole mini-malls
with his bare hands.

And in the distance
the volcano explodes.

Our intrepid hero is trying
to avoid the mutant locusts

from the center of the
earth when suddenly

the ninja warriors appeared
guarding the giant robots.

Oh, this is good.

And what else?

Ghosts, we need ghosts.

Okay, ghosts.

Our hero realized
that the end was near

if he didn't do something.

He raced to a super secret
super scientific science lab

and began to mix
the master potion

that would save the earth.

He had invented,
no, not lasagna.

I didn't write that.

No, stop.

I gotta get out
and save the world.

I gotta, I give up.

- Any chance of
doing this today?

- [Director] Our star is
writing another script.

- [Garfield] No he isn't.

I give up.

Bring on the lasagna,
set up the bed.

I might as well live
down on my reputation.

- [Director] All right.

Let's take it
again from the top.

- [Garfield] Oh boy, lasagna.

[upbeat music]

Huh?

Wait, stop tape again.

Do I have to do
everything around here?

I'm sorry your
parts have been cut.

Okay, roll 'em.

Eating sleeping may be boring

but at least I got steady work.

Don't try to fight it folks.

It's time for
Screaming with Binky.

Mitchell Curtis is
one of the talented

animators who works
on my cartoon show.

The job requires a
willingness to work cheap

along with careful
precision and a steady hand.

All to draw marvelous moi.

- Hey cartoonist!

[shouting]

- [Garfield] We'll be
right back after this.

Hopefully better drawn.

I hope you're happy now.

[upbeat music]

- Booker, Sheldon, get that
corn over for Roy to shuck.

Our customer's coming
for it tomorrow.

Bo, you help Roy shuck the corn.

Oh and keep an eye peeled
for that rotten weasel.

Lanolin thinks she saw
him sneaking around.

- Like oui, moi capitan pigo.

- We have to get that corn out
of its husk for the customer.

Wade, where was
I gonna send you?

- Someplace far from the weasel.

Far far from the weasel.

- Wade, the weasel is
probably miles from here.

Go put that crate in the
barn and then come see me.

- Uh huh.

I should listen to Orson
for Orson is our leader.

Uh huh, uh huh.

And if he says the
weasel is far from here

then I shall fear no weasel.

I shall instead carry
the crate into the barn.

[classical music]

In three seconds to duck panic.

Three.

Two.

One.

[horn honking]

Fire.

Help!

On happenstance, help help.

Mystery! Severe crate mystery!

Help. Yes, help.

♪ Orson said to clean corn ♪

♪ But I'm not sure
I like to shuck ♪

♪ It's so boring
that I'm snoring ♪

♪ It's a job for Wade the duck ♪

♪ La la la la la
la la la la la ♪

- Psst, hey rooster.

How come that pig's the
boss here instead of you?

- Hey how come that pig's
the boss here instead of me?

Hey how come that pig's the
boss here instead of me?

Hmn?

- Roy, we need
that corn shucked.

- Says you.

You can't give me one good
reason why you're leader

instead of me.

- I'm smarter than you.

I'm more responsible than you.

I'm a better planner than you.

I know more about
farming than you.

I'm more respected than you are.

I'm more trustworthy
than you are.

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

But how about a good reason?

We oughta have an election.

- An election?

- Let everyone vote for
who they want to be leader

of the farm.

Or are you chicken?

- No, I'm Pig.

You're chicken.

- He's already launching
a smear campaign.

- Why me?

- This is terrific.

Now I just have to
make a few alterations.

- Vote for Roy.

Roy's your boy.

[blowing trumpet]

Vote early, vote
often, but vote for me.

- What's Roy doing?

- He's like, you
know, campaigning.

[smooching]

He's making speeches.

- My opponent stands
for everything rotten.

He's against puppies
and chocolate ice cream.

He's in favor of
measles, dead frogs,

and hundreds of hours
of homework every night.

- I'll show you what a great
politician Roy is, man.

Hey candidate, like what's
your position on building

a new barn?

- I'm glad you asked that.

The building of a new barn is
a matter of great importance

and we must proceed with
both caution and bold vision

for the future.

Thank you.

- But he didn't
answer your question.

- That's the idea.

Isn't he great, man?

- Go on in and
vote and remember,

you don't have to vote
for the best candidate.

You can vote for me.

[quirky music]

Every chicken on this farm
has gone into that booth

and probably voted
the Roy ticket.

- How many have come out?

[curious music]

- Gee, must be crowded in there.

- Something is very very wrong.

Those chickens didn't
all just disappear.

There was a hole under
the election booth.

Come on.

They're gone.

These are weasel tracks.

The weasel's got the chickens.

- Help! Help!

Assistance.

Mayday.

A duck in need of aid.

Help.

That that that that
should be enough panic.

I've been at it for 19 hours.

If the weasel comes
within a mile of me.

I will see him coming.

Help!

Resume panic duck.

[straining]

- Come on, come on.

These are fat chickens.

- There they are.

- What do we do?

We need a plan.

Where do we get a plan?

- You cut them out of the sack

and I'll go take
care of the weasel.

- That's a plan. Wait!

How can I cut the sack?

- Use your campaign button.

- That's it.

I'll use my campaign button.

[exciting music]

- Come on, come on.

- Oh Mr. Wiesel,
what are you doing?

- What does it look
like I'm doing?

Hey, you ain't stopping me, pig.

- Move it out.

Step lively ladies.

Hut, two three four.
Hut, two three four.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.

- I couldn't stop
you if I wanted to

but you seem to not be
able to get your sack

out of the tunnel.

- Yeah, I'll figure out a way.

You got any ideas?

- Well you might try
giving it a real big yank.

- Good idea.

Here it goes.

One, two, three.

[shouting]

Hey, I want my chickens.

This ain't fair.

- Are we weasel-less?

- Weasel-less.

Let's head back to the barnyard.

- Well I guess I have
all your votes huh?

Looks like we know who's
gonna be the new leader

of the barnyard.

The new leader of the
barnyard is the old leader

of the barnyard.

It was Orson's plan
that saved you.

I concede you're more
qualified to be leader.

- Congratulations.

How does it feel to be leader?

- It feels great .

I feel proud and honored and--

- Hey! Where's my corn?

My corn better be all
husked and ready for me.

Are you in charge?

- Yes, yes I am and your
corn will be ready in a jiff.

Of course being leader does
have its disadvantages.

[upbeat music]

- [Garfield] Boy, am
i in a rotten mood.

Out of my way Brie breath.

- Hey, you can't do that to me.

I'll tell my sister, Loretta.

- [Garfield] Loretta?

- She'll pound you flat.

- [Garfield] Bring her on.

A good fight might cheer me up.

- Hey, Loretta.

[gasps]

- [Garfield] Oh.

[upbeat music]

- Isn't the fresh
air great, boys?

- Yeah.

- [Garfield] Not really.

My lungs are used to smog.

Smog and fumes from
Italian cooking.

- I haven't seen
my cousin Burford

since I was in short pants
and playing kids games.

- [Garfield] That'd be
a week ago Thursday.

- Nice to have you here, cousin.

- Nice to be here Burford.

How are you doing?

- I'm starving to death.

- [Garfield] Oh we
have much in common.

- I ain't sold so much as a
stick of gum in three weeks

and I've tried everything.

I've had sales and contents.

I even had Jim Cratchlow
from over in the next county

come over here and dance
around in a penguin suit.

Most pathetic thing you ever
saw and I didn't sell a thing.

It's all on account of
what happens to folks

when they come near here.

- What happens to them?

- Well there's your
first hint right there.

- Someone's slinging mud.

- [Garfield] And it's
nowhere near Election Day.

- Rufus Cragwater, you hear me?

You stop this.

It's way past the amusing stage.

- I'll stop it when you give
me back my Pappy's watch.

- I ain't got your Pappy's watch

you miserable
excuse for a person.

Three years back he left his
Pappy's watch in my store

and it up and disappeared.

I've had a lot of things
disappear around this place.

Don't know, don't know where.

I didn't take his Pappy's watch.

- Can't you reason with him?

- I'd say not.

[panting]

- [Garfield] Hold it, Odie.

You may proceed.

I'm gonna dry off
and eat my candy bar.

No towels.

I have to use the
automatic hand blower.

I hate these for two reasons.

First, it's impossible to
blow your nose on them.

And that would be
the second reason.

My candy bar, where is it?

Seal all the exits.

- Been that way for weeks.

Anybody comes near
my store whammo.

Mud pie in the kisser.

You shoulda seen what
he did to the twins.

It was just awful.

- [Garfield] Did you
take my candy bar?

- [Odie] Uh uh.

- Well you're my cousin so
I'm gonna go find this Rufus

and talk some sense into him.

- I wouldn't do
that if I were you.

- I'll settle this
or my name is mud.

- [Garfield] Mud should
be back any minute now.

[humming]

- Hello, my name is Mud.

- [Garfield] We
were expecting you.

If Jon keeps this up he's gonna
go through the world supply

of rubber duckies in one day.

Okay we gotta find
my candy bar, Odie.

[barks and sniffing]

Can I describe it?

Sure, it had peanuts
and nougat and wafers

and it's all wrapped in a
mouth-watering chocolate

coating and sprinkled
with bits of chocolate

and Odie we gotta find it.

That's not it that's a watch.

Candy bars just don't
walk away or do they?

Maybe that one wasn't dead.

Odie, Odie you found the watch.

That must be the watch that
the Fernando Valenzuela

of the Mud Pie was looking for.

Wait here and don't lose it.

It's not my candy bar
but it's not a bad find.

[barks]

- It's okay Mrs. Cathcart.

You can come in and shop here.

Yeah he's still throwing mud

but tell you what, I'll throw
in a free bottle of shampoo

and one of them
windshield scraper things.

- [Garfield] Yoo hoo,
urgent cat message.

- The sandbox is that way.

What? That ain't it?

This better be good, kitty.

You brought me in here
to show me a candy bar?

Cat, you're nuttier
than that Rufus fella.

- [Garfield] Odie,
where'd the watch go?

- I don't know.

- [Garfield] Oh well, at
least I got my candy bar back.

[barking]

The trouble with candy bars

is if you can finish them
they're not big enough.

You should know better than
to interrupt a candy bar.

Odie, you clumsy canine.

[Odie stammering]

You found the watch?

Where is it?

Odie, that is not a watch.

That is a head of cabbage.

There is a difference.

You do not tell time
with a head of cabbage.

You make coleslaw out of it.

[Odie whining]

Odie, you have a
head of cabbage,

I'm gonna go finish
my candy bar.

I hope you have a good excuse
for that feeble impression

of a real dog.

[barking]

Playing charades.

This is probably a movie title.

A movie about a very silly dog.

Odie, I have no idea
what you're saying

and you have no idea
how proud I am of that.

[barks]

Candy bar thief.

Stop in the name of
Overeaters Anonymous.

Odie, we have a
serious problem here.

- What in the world was that?

- Garfield.

I don't know what it was
but I know it was Garfield.

- [Garfield] Odie, next
week we start wearing shoes.

- Now look at what
they've gone and done.

This is worse than
the time Arnold Frank

brought that live moose in here.

- [Jon] Garfield
look what you've done.

- [Garfield] You
think they're me?

- Why those were Mrs.
Hotchkiss' earings.

She lost him two years ago.

That there's weird
Harold Mugwumps tiara.

I never figured out
what he did with that.

[barks]

Well it looks like I
have me a pack rat.

Leaving things and
swapping them for stuff.

That's where all
the things went.

And here's Rufus's
Pappy's watch.

[crowd chattering]

- Well it looks
like everything's

worked out fine now.

The store is doing big business.

- Not as much business as
that there rat is doing.

- [Garfield] Why should
I trade you something

to get my own candy bar back?

- Imagine, a rat had
my Pappy's watch.

I'll never mud
you again Burford.

- I'm sorry to hear that Rufus.

It was bad for business
but good for my complexion.

- Hey how'd you get your candy
bar back from the pack rat?

- [Garfield] I
traded him something

we didn't have any use for.

[Odie whimpering]

- [Jon] Odie.

[upbeat music]