06x05 - Heartbreak

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains very strong
language from the outset and throughout.

♪ ARTHUR CONLEY: Sweet Soul Music ♪

♪ Do you like good music?
♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ That sweet soul music
♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ Just as long as it's swingin'...

Cardi, hurry up.

Don't forget your clean jocks.
They're in the top drawer.

[QUACK]
How about this?

[QUACKING]

Find this sexy, do you?

I'm looking forward to this break.

[CHUCKLES]
[QUACKING]

You look like a f*cking eejit,
you know that?

Do you know, I just want this weekend
to be special for us, you know.

- Mm.
- Like a reset, eh?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]
WOMAN: Lesley! Are you in there?

♪ BIG MAMMA THORNTON: Hound Dog ♪

Who are you?

Carol. Who the f*ck are you?

Mum?!
[GASPS]

Oh, thank God!

Glen?! Glen!

- Glen, he's in here.
- W-Who's Glen?

You have to help us.

We've lost everything.

And the wedding's in two days.

[WAILS AND SOBS]

[WHISPERS] What the f*ck?

♪ BARRETT STRONG:
Money [That's What I Want] ♪

We should've known a man called
Diego wasn't a wedding planner.

So, they cleaned you out then,
did they?

They left my art, thank the Lord.

Could be worth a fortune, so, er...
[CLEARS THROAT]

..silver linings.

That... that's lovely.
You made that, did you?

Yeah. He does bespoke. I sat for that.

It's called Sated...

brackets... After Multiple Orgasms.

Lesley, will you help us?

Will you help save our wedding?

Mum, I'd love to help, but I can't.

Me and Carol, we-we've got plans.
We've got important plans.

- We're going away together.
- But we've got guests on their way.

One of my friends is coming
all the way from Greece.

And it's a pink full moon,
which means fresh start.

We can't miss that. We'd have
to wait another whole year.

- We can't, can we, Glen?
- No, Paloma, love.

I can't... I can't plan a wedding
in t-two days.

She's unbelievable!

I think it's nice.

She's come all
this way to ask you for your help.

But... but, S-Sugar,
s-she's not even invited me

to the f-f-f*cking wedding.

And my s-s-s-s-stammer
gets worse when she's around.

- I'm not... I'm not doing it.
- If she's come to you for help,

your Mum, I worry that you'll regret
not helping her, if you don't-

But she only f*cking comes
when she f*cking wants summat.

Mums and dads are sh*t.

- What's the deal with Paloma?
- Cardi was only six

when his dad died, right?

Then it's just Paloma and Cardi
on their own.

Then she's f*cked off when he was 17.

What? She just f*cked off?

Yeah. Said she was going
on a cruise with some fella

but she never came back.

- Aw, poor Cardi.
- Mm.

Cardi, we can always go away
on another weekend, like.

- You didn't even like her, Carol.
- No, she's a w*nk*r.

And a f*cking wedding, as well.

We'll help you. f*cking we'll help
you. We'll all help you together.

♪ DUSTY SPRINGFIELD: Spooky ♪

[KNOCKS ON CAR]
Ooh.

Fine. I will help you
o-organise your wedding.

[GASPS]
B-But I am doing you a favour

at m-mine and my wife Carol's
inconvenience.

So, please refrain

from c-commenting on the following:

my looks, my body,

whether I was responsible

for you getting stung by a bee
when I was n-nine;

my m-m-m-m...

Marriage.

Thank you, Carol. My marriage.

Oh, Lesley,
I knew you wouldn't let me down.

[GIGGLES] And I hear you.

And I respect the boundaries
that you are nailing between us.

Just quickly - while you're here

and seeing as
you're gonna be best man...

Lavender and ergot tincture.
For that stutter. Numbs the tongue.

Just one drop.
And, darling, we both know...

the bee sting...

it was your fault.

♪ MOUSSE T FT. HOT 'N' JUICY: Horny ♪

[BABY CRIES]

What the f*ck? Mum!

[CRYING CONTINUES] - Liz!
- What the f*ck are you doing?!

[MUSIC OFF]
Oh! Hi, babe. How was it?

Can you not hear him?

- Sunny's crying!
- Oh, yeah, I'm sleep-training him.

All the books say just let 'em cry.

I used to leave you down the end
of the garden, shut the door,

big G&T, dance around to Bananarama.

One night, went to bed,
forgot all about you.

Well, I say bed.
Passed out on the couch.

Woke up about 2:00,
realised what had happened.

- You were fine.
- I'm lucky to be alive!

Yeah, you are!

Gratitude.

OK, so you two,
Ash and JJ, you're on cake.

Sugar and Meena, you're on Mum's
wedding dress.

And a suit for Glen.

Can I have you up on your feet, please?

I'm gonna give you
a good saging for focus.

Carol, can you do the decorations?
Me and Mum'll check out the venue.

Could you not just get married
at the Crow's Nest?

I'm not getting married in a pub.
It's bad karma.

What sort of decorations
are we talking, like?

Oh, scented candles.

Something, um... calming.

Sandalwood, cedar.

Love and light.

It's a bit more f*gs and despair
around here, isn't it?

Oh, Carol.

That is a very bad energy.

Mum, can we stop reading Carol's
energy, please?[SNIFFS]

I'm gonna find a dog,
take it for a long walk.

Right, Vin,
you're on the refreshments, OK?

[SNIFFS] f*cking smell.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Oh, f*ck!

- Oh, my God.
- Wait!

[LOCK CHIRRUPS]

♪ NIGHT BEATS: Shot Down ♪

[HORN HONKS]

[TYRES SCREECH]

[HORN HONKS]

[TYRES SCREECH]

[HORN BLARES]

f*ck off.

[HORN HONKS]

Oh!
[TYRES SCREECH]

[GROANS AND WHIMPERS]

Hey, stop. Look, I've seen you!

[GRUNTS]Carol, stop! It's me.
It's Keith. It's your husband!

[PANICKED GASP]

- This is where you want me to get married?
- It's beautiful.

- A tourist hotspot.
- A muddy field next to a septic tank?

You're the one who didn't want
to get married in a church.

I can do a very reasonable price.

It is all that were av-v-v-vailable
at s-s-s-short notice.

Alright, look, I'll phone Carol.

She'll make it nice. She's got
an eye for artful decoration.

♪ PHIL PHILLIPS: Sea of Love ♪

[BEEPING TONE]
[SIGHS]

- Oh, the f*cking signal here's shite.
- Look, are you taking it or not?

I've got people who need
a site to bury their horse.

Look, horse graveyard or Crow's Nest?

Fine! The Crow's Nest.
But it will need a good saging.

Yeah.

♪ VERDI: Libiamo [from La Traviata] ♪

[LOCK CHIRRUPS]

[expl*sives BANG AND CRACKLE]

[MUSIC FADES]

What the f...

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[COUGHS]

What's this?

[SINISTER MUSIC]

[expl*sives BANG AND CRACKLE]
Arh-ah! Arh!

Paloma, a couple of options.
What do you think?

[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

It's all we could find
at the charity shop.

And, look, we've got Glen a really
nice little suit.

- Lesley.
- Yep.

- Have you seen these?
- ASH: Hello!

OK, so, listen, we didn't manage to get

a proper wedding cake, I'm sorry.
But...

We did find this. A big blue bake.
It's got a Spitfire on top of it.

SUGAR: Why's it got 90 on it?
Let's just say I knew a man

who knew a man whose dad
died this morning.

Right, we'll m-m-make it work.
How about the decorations?

- W-Where's Carol?
- I need my decorations, Lesley.

- Have you seen her, Sugar?
- Not since this morning, no.

[BEEPING] AUTOMATED VOICE: Sorry, the
person you're calling is unavailable.

- sh*t. Her phone's off.
- Perhaps she's been kidnapped.

So, what the f*ck happened?

- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?!

I've come all the way from Greece.

I haven't seen you for ten years, Carol.

The last time I saw you,

you were throwing up in a fishbowl
by the side of our bed.

- Then - poof! - now you're here.
- I am so sorry, Keith.

Do you know how worried I was
when you vanished?

Look,
to be truthful with you now, Keith,

I woke up the morning after
and I said to myself,

"We've made a f*cking terrible
mistake" and, you know, like,

- I just couldn't face it.
- So, you just left?

Bam. No note. No explanation.

No, I tried writing.
What happened, you run out of ink[?]

No, I couldn't remember your address,
so I just sent it to Keith in Paxos.

We weren't even in Paxos! It was Naxos!

Oh, f*ck, I was drunk.

Keith, I'm so sorry.
I just didn't know what to say.

The truth, Carol.

The truth is what you say.
"I'm sorry, I've made a mistake.

I didn't wanna marry you.
I've gone back home."

See, when I got back here,
it seemed so far away.

Then I thought, "He'll probably
end up annulling the wedding anyway."

- Keith, we barely knew each other.
- Carol, I thought you were dead.

I held a f*cking vigil for you.


They closed the banana boat
out of respect.

The taverna had a wake for you.
They spelt your name out in feta!

Oh, I feel f*cking terrible.

I'm f*cking ashamed of myself.

Oh, I don't believe this.

I'd finally got to a place of peace.

Now it's like I'm right back there.

How did you track me down?

I didn't track you down.

I'm just here for my friend
Glen's wedding.

You know Glen?

I taught him
how to water ski a year ago.

For f*ck's sake.

Wait, how do you know Glen?

Are you going to this wedding?

It's cancelled.
The wedding's been cancelled.

- What?
- It's just happened.

I don't really know what happened.

They got robbed of everything,
that's what it was.

You're better off knocking into
Hawley and calling Glen,

anything like that...

And it's been called off. The wife,
Paloma, she's after cancelling it.

She's a f*cking nasty b*tch.
Awful f*cking energy.

- I'm gonna call him.
- No, no, don't...

Don't do that, don't call.

I don't believe you.
I'm gonna call him.

- No, no. You can't phone him.
- What the f*ck?!

I can't let you go to that wedding!

- Are you out of your f*cking mind?
- No, I'm not out of my mind.

You cannot go to that wedding!

I thought it had been cancelled.

No.

Why are you wearing a wedding ring?

Why are you wearing
a wedding ring, Carol?

Did you get married again
while you're still married to me?

For f*ck's sake. Who is he?

You tell me who he is now!

- It doesn't matter!
- Look, just tell me.

You owe me that,
after all these lies, all this time.

Well, is it just us two,
or is there a third?

A harem of men you've left
heartbroken across the globe,

- a hive of...
- Oh, his name's Cardi!

His name's Cardi,

and he's Paloma's son,
and he is going to the wedding.

Keith, I am begging you now.

I know that I have wronged you,
I know I have,

but please, please,
don't go to the wedding because...

..because he loves me very much.

And I love him too.

Please.

[DOOR OPENS]

Dude! What are you f*cking
belling me up every five seconds for

when you know I'm coming down anyway?

- Thanks, man. I'm glad to see you, Vinnie.
- Alright.

Oh, my God, I'm in a real crisis.

Listen, get a f*cking wriggle on

cos I've got Cardi's mum
wanting refreshments here.

- Paloma's back?
- Yes.

God, I haven't seen
that smoke show for years.

Get a f*cking wriggle on
with whatever this is

- or I'm gonna piss off.
- Alright I've got a...

- I've got a problem.
- Yeah.

And her name's Ella.

- Oh, for God's...
- No, but she's not like...

anyone else. She's...
She's got a f*cking PhD in economics.

She's got a first from Oxford.

And all she cares a sh*t about
is my Mr Timber.

- Oh, no[!]
- The woman's insatiable.

She's got me on call 24/7.

She wants it on the floor,
on the table,

against the window,
through the f*cking window.

Mm.

The trouble is, I'm getting
feelings for her, you know.

Mm.

I look at her and I just think...
[SIGHS]

..all I wanna do is stroke her hair
and cook her an egg.

- You just wanna cook her an egg.
- What if that's all I am to her?

I wanna be appreciated for more
than just my d*ck, right?

What if we're not shagging,
she's not interested in me?

Maybe that's all she wants from me.
You know "I shag, therefore I am."

How the f*ck can I help you out here?

Well, because you're always banging
on about feelings, aren't you,

- and how it stops your d*ck working?
- Hurtful.

[PHONE PINGS]
Jesus.

Oh, f*ck, another nude pic. Look.

- Dude, she's...
- Yeah, she's gonna want a c*ck shot now.

- Don't send her a c*ck shot.
- She wants to see it.

- She wants to see it now!
- Don't send her a d*ck pic.

- Ask her summat nice.
- Good idea.

- f*cking whatever.
- Keep it simple.

Can we just go for dinner tonight...

- f*cking hell.
- ...darling?

- Darling[?]
- Well, she's seen it, she's not replying.

- Give her a...
- Why's she not f*cking replying?

Give her a minute! She's probably
putting her t*ts away, in't she?

- She's gone offline!
- Calm down,

you f*cking lunatic. Listen...

I think we better just
recalibrate a little bit.

[BEEPING TONE]
f*ck! Still nothing!

Couldn't see her car anywhere,

but Liz saw her driving this morning.

I did, proper fast. But I just thought,

- "Well, that's Carol."
- Should we call the police?

They won't do anything, unless it's
been 24 four hours or more.

Right. Let's spread out and
search Hawley. Check the roads,

we need to check
the travellers' site, Jim's farm.

- I'll text Vinnie.
- Yeah, text Vinnie.

I'll wait here and ring
if she gets back.

Right.

- But what about the wedding?
- Mum?

Right, come on.

Still nothing.

I should never have texted that.
I should've sent her the d*ck pic,

gone round later,
up against the wall and...

I could've stroked her hair
while she was sleeping.

This is why I don't do it. You're
hurt now and she's disappointed

cos she hasn't seen your f*cking
horrible todger.

[PHONE PINGS]

f*cking hell, here we go. Hang on.

"We can eat after we've shagged."

- Look.
- Oh, yeah.

"After we've shagged".

- Really happy for you.
- Oh, my God,

she can see the man behind the c*ck.

Yeah, dude,
I'm chuffed to bits for you.

- I'll send a picture now. A c*ck pic.
- It doesn't have to be right now.

- f*ck's sake.
- We've sorted that out.

[PHONE PINGS]
Who's this now?

Oh, sh*t.

- Where are you going?
- f*cking Carol's gone missing.

Honestly, dude, you disgust me.

- Carol!
- Carol!

♪ THE BLACK KEYS: Lonely Boy ♪

She's not gonna be hard to spot.
She dresses like a tropical fish.

CAROL!

CAROL!

I'll go and have a look round here.

Lads. Have you... have you seen Carol?

She hasn't walked past.

- This morning?
- You might've missed her.

Impossible.
We've been playing since Monday.

You look like
you could go for a little nap.

The only thing I could go for is
a pair of sixes. Give me them dices.

Will you let me know if you see her?

You're mental.

Carol?

Carol?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]

♪ ..I got a love
that keeps me waiting

♪ Oh, oh-oh... ♪

Carol? Have you lot seen Carol?

You know, Carol? Carol Dennings.

Lesley!

Look at this! [GASPS]

You're supposed to be looking for Carol.

Have you asked anyone?

- I thought you were asking.
- For f*ck's sake.

- Oh, Lesley.
- [GROANS]

Come on.

Come on. I'm sorry.
It's important. She's my wife!

Well, of course it is,
but I just feel it in my bones

- that she's gonna be alright.
- It's all about you, isn't it?

I don't know why you're so desperate
to get married tomorrow anyway.

- Because a pink moon symbolises...
- Symbolises f*ck all, Mum.

f*ck all.

Forgive me for being a lover,
Lesley, and finding THE ONE.

He's not the one though, is he?

He's not even number two.
He's number f-f-f-f*cking four.

He may well be my fourth husband,

but am I a criminal
for untangling myself

from situations
that offer me absolutely nothing?

Maybe you should take your own advice

and t-try harder
at making them work then.

Then you wouldn't be fannying about
trying to get married

under some s-s-special f-f*cking moon.

[SIGHS]

I know what this is.

Are you jealous of Glen?

That's what this is, isn't it?

Because, you know, it is very common

to have feelings of sexual longing
towards your mother.

Is it?

Because, after all,
mine was the first vaginal canal

- you'd ever been inside.
- Get in.

Has he even been on a paddle board?

Oh, I think he's more
of a land animal himself.

Is he any good at water sports?

That's a bit personal now, isn't it?

I'm just trying to understand
why you replaced me, Carol.

How long have you been married to him?

Four years.

- And you're happy?
- Oh, not all the time now,

but I guess that's what... I guess
that's what real happiness is.

You don't... You don't always
realise that it's there, you know.

Yeah.

- Yeah, f*ck you, Carol.
- Where are you going, Keith?

Driving to Hawley.
It can't be that hard to get back.

I need a f*cking drink!

No, don't do this, Keith. Please don't!

I haven't done anything, Carol.
Because of you,

I haven't done anything
with my entire f*cking life.

While you've been falling in love
with some bloke

who wouldn't know a kayak
from a f*cking... canoe!

I don't think a lot of people
know the difference

- between a kayak and a canoe.
- You're missing the point.

You know there was another woman?

Maria.

She ran the cave tours Monday
to Thursday. Had hair like linguine.

She wanted me, and still, I did
nothing cos I was waiting for you.

- I'm so sorry, Keith.
- Never took that holiday to France,

- in case you came back to the island.
- Yeah.

- Never learnt pottery.
- Yeah.

Never told my dad that I loved him.

I don't think you can
put that on me now.

How do you know, Carol?! You're not
inside my head!

Ah, now, Keith, I know you're angry
and you've every right to be,

but, Jesus, you can't just waltz
in here and blow up me life, like.

What if you didn't go to the wedding?
What if I give you money?

I won't scamper away from my friend
on his wedding day,

like you did to me.
And I'm telling Cardi.

Oh, no, no, no.
I can't let you do that, Keith!

Uhh! What the f*ck?!

[LOCK CHIRRUPS]

- Hey, my car keys!
- I can't let you ruin my life.

[GRUNTS]
Yes!

♪ WOLF ALICE: Formidable Cool ♪

Carol!
[ENGINE STARTS]

♪ ..And I knew it was all an act

♪ I could practically hear
the pen planning... ♪

f*ck!

Oh, Jesus. I don't know
what all the hoo-ha's about.

She's only been gone two minutes.

He's treating her
like a f*cking Victorian wife.

Keeping her on a tight leash.

What happened to liberation?

What happened
to f*cking female empowerment?

Did Emmeline Pankhurst
go through all that sh*t,

having her mates
chucked under horses and that,

so a hundred years later,
a f*cking woman

can't go out on her f*cking own?

[SIGHS] Saw a film about it.

Suffragettes.

Thingy's in it. The fit one.

f*cking great rack. f*cking great.

♪ BLONDIE: Atomic ♪

[TYRES SCREECH]

- Carol!
- Carol!

sh*t.

[BABY GRIZZLES]
Puh-puh-puh-puh-puh!

[GRIZZLES]

What, you're still not talking to me?

[PHONE RINGS]

JJ?

Oh, f*cking hell. OK.

Right. No, I'm on my way.

- Do you want me to have him?
- No, I'll take him with.

Sugar, it's just a bit of music.

[SIGHS]
You just don't get it, do you?

It's not about the music.
I trusted you, and you ignored it.

Things have changed
since you had me, Mum. I've changed.

And I don't want you pulling
your crazy old sh*t with my son.

Call me if Carol comes back -
if you can manage it.

[BABY CRIES]

- Yeah.
- Dead?

Yeah.

- JJ...
- Hold on.

- Alright.
- VINNIE: What's t'plan?

OK, so, we haven't got long
before the sun goes down.

I've checked all the hospitals,
she's not in any of 'em.

That's because she's fine, alright?

- Where are we gonna search first?
- Dead Man's Forest?

C-Can we not call it D-D...

- Why have you got a g*n?
- In case it's a kidnap situation.

She's not been kidnapped, Jim!

No, I'm saying
if SHE'S kidnapped someone

and we have to talk her down.

- She might have turned!
- Jim. Jim. Point it down.

[ALL TALK AT ONCE]
She hasn't kidnapped anyone for ages.

- Argh! Argh! Just the...
- Shut the f*ck up!

Get a f*cking shift on then.
This way. Dickheads.

We're going right first. Jim,
keep the f*cking g*n pointing down.

Carol!

[ALL SHOUT FOR CAROL]

[MUSIC PLAYS FAINTLY]

Hello?

Hello?

[APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS]

Oh, my God! Thank God you're back!

I was just about to go
and start handing these out.

What's going on? Where is everybody?

Where'd you get that photo?
The f*cking state of me.

Everyone's looking for you.
They're worried.

You've been gone for hours.

- Can I get a drink, Liz?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Can I get a whisky, please?
- Yeah.

[SOFTLY] f*ck's sake.

Thanks.

♪ FONTELLA BASS: Rescue Me

Carol?

Carol?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Wh... Hang on a minute. Cardi!

- Mate, she's at t'Crow's Nest!
- Is she hurt? Is she alright?

Mate, she's fine.
She said she bumped into someone.

- She bumped into someone?
- I-I-I dunno.

Wh... Doesn't make any...

[g*nsh*t]
f*cking 'ell! Jimbo!

- It's alright. It's just a squirrel.
- Oh, thank God.

- Come on.
- f*cking idiot.

Cardi's into boats?
He is. Big into boats.

sh*t.

f*ck me. Right, go away.
I'll deal with it.

You alright, Davros?

- Well, that's just f*cked, innit?
- Do you think it's McCann?

No, I just fancied an indoor
firework display, Vincent!

- Of course it's f*cking McCann!
- Yeah.

Look, I'm showing you this
as a favour, right?

Yeah.

The tides are turning, Vincent.

So, I need you tell me
if you hear anything.

Because I swear, if you throw me
under the bus in any way,

then I'm gonna get up,
I'm gonna get my own f*cking bus

and I'll run you over again and again
until your skin's like carpaccio.

What's carpaccio?

It's thinly-sliced beef, delicious.

Sounds nice.

I think you'd have more friends
if you weren't so f*cking terrifying.

I don't need friends, Vincent.

I just need you
to keep your mouth shut.

- Understood?
- Yes. Thanks for the warning.

- Can I have a lift...
- No!

♪ DONOVAN: Sunshine Superman ♪

♪ Sunshine came softly
through my window today...

Hello?

Anyone?

♪ ..I changed my ways

♪ It'll take time, I know it

♪ But in a while

♪ You're gonna be mine, I know it

♪ We'll do it in style... ♪

I'm sensing you're sad.

[SIGHS] Why are people
so f*cking disappointing?

Isn't that the question for the day?
[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]

Don't think you're meant to do
that in pubs any more.

Oh, you're alright.
I'll display the safety warning.

Go on then. What's happened?

My wife. [SNIFFS]

I haven't seen her for ten years.

I thought I'd never see her again
actually, and then today... bam.

She's back. I don't even live here.

And, yeah, I was hopeful...

..just for a second.

- Mm.
- I thought that it would mean...

maybe we would be together.

Meant that she'd missed me
after all these years.

Turns out she hasn't missed me at all.

And her life was better off
without you in it.

Exactly.

Maybe you should just go home.

Yeah, but, well, she married someone
else, he doesn't know about me.

He needs to know the truth, right?

Oh, I've never been a fan of truth, me.

She lied though, to both of us.

Truth's only good
if you can do something with it.

It's wrong, what she did.

You don't need a lift anywhere,
do you? I'm heading back to Hawley.

Yeah, that would be great, actually.

I was looking for my son's wife, but...

this is the last pub on my list and...

...she's clearly not here.

Carol, her name is.

[TENSE MUSIC]

Did you say Carol?

♪ NELL & THE FLAMING LIPS:
Into My Arms ♪

Can I get another one, please?

Cardi!

You f*cking idiot.
You had me sh1tting myself.

I'm so sorry.

- I need to talk to you, Cardi.
- Carol, I don't wanna hear it.

I should've stood up for you
with my mum.

She's not changed at all,
she can f*ck her wedding.

- Carol.
- Greek Keith?!

Oh, hiya, mate.
Congratulations and all that.

- Far out, man. How was your flight?
- Look, not now.

Look, Carol. You don't have to do this.

Course she does.

You said the truth is only useful
if you can do something with it.

What can he do with it?

Do with what? What truth?

Keith told me everything.

Carol's already married -

and she has been the whole time -
to Greek Keith.

Yeah, they got married ten years ago
and then she upped and left him.

What's she on about, Carol?

Carol?

I wanted to tell you, I did.

It happened over a weekend of

a f*cking an ouzo-soaked holiday, like.

I mean, I don't even remember, it's
all a blur, like. It meant nothing.

If it meant nothing,
why keep it a secret?

Cos I got scared, didn't I, Keith?

She said she just couldn't face it.

So... you just stayed married to him?

I am so, so sorry.

- W-W-Why didn't you tell me?
- Tell me what, love?

Sorry I got stuck with Davey there.
What's going... What's going on?

Cardi, I know.
I know, I should have told you

first thing this morning,
when I seen Keith.

This morning?

No, Carol, y-y-y-you should have
told me w-w-when we got m-m-married!

Either time.
I was gonna tell you, like, but...

It just that, y'know, I buried it

because the longer it went on,
the harder it got and then I just...

- I got caught up in the whole lie of it.
- What lie?

Where you told me I were the love
of your life, where we took vows?

But you are the love of my life.

Is this why you're always acting
like I'm not good enough?

Hey, come on. We'll go outside.

This has nothing to do with you
not being good enough.

- You are good enough!
- Lesley...

I just didn't know what to do.

But you always know what to do, Carol.

You're always bossing me about,
telling me what to say,

what to wear, how to eat.

How could you not know
what to f*cking do?

- Lesley.
- My name isn't Lesley!

Alright? It's Cardi!

And what?
W-What do you have to say, Mum?

I... I just think
you're being a bit harsh.

A bit harsh?

You're the one who's
dobbed her in, in the first place.

I thought he had a right to know.

Since when have you thought
I had a right to know anything?

You've never explained
anything to me, ever!

- Well, that's not true.
- Yes, it f*cking is.

You've never told me anything.

And now you want me
to know about Carol,

so you can act like you care about me.

Of course I care.

Where the f*ck have you been then?!

You weren't here when Nigel died.

You weren't here when we got married.

I know for a fact you had something
to do with Weasel dying

when I was six, and you were
b-barely there when my...

..d-dad died!

So don't... don't just come in now
and blow up my life

and then try and tell me
what to do with the pieces.

All that stuff's in the past.

The past f*cking matters!

It matters to me!

It's my life!

All of it!

You left because
you didn't f*cking like me.

Just be honest.

Both of you.

Cardi, come outside with me
for a little bit.

No, man, I don't wanna go outside.

Do you know what, I'm going outside.

It's not that you f*cked up, Carol.

It's just that you made me believe...

for the only time in my entire life...

that I was someone's first choice.

And it's just a f*cking lie.

[SOMBRE MUSIC]

Hiya.

I don't wanna talk about it.

OK.

That's fine by me.

- Oh, for f*ck's sake, Mum!
- It's for the bad energy.

I've just found out my wife is
m-m-married to someone else.

I'm a... I'm allowed
a bit of bad f*cking energy.

[SIGHS] I'm not talking about yours.

I'm talking about his.

Well, this is Dad's spot, not yours.

Cardi, I didn't leave
because I didn't like you.

I left because I was ashamed.

You didn't have that stutter
before your dad died.

You didn't struggle.
Not when he was around.

But after he'd gone, you got it.

And there was nothing
I could do to help you.

And I just got so angry...

..that your dad always could help you.

And none of the books tell you
that it is alright

to feel jealous that your husband
got to die perfect

and you have to live on
and f*ck it up...

..over and over again.

- And by the time you were 17, I...
- You just left?

I did.

Got my reasons.

I was frightened.

I was sick of the effort of it all.

So I left... for a bit.

And when I came back you had...

..you had all these friends.

You had Vinnie,
you had Ashley, you had JJ.

And it was like, you just...

- ...didn't need me any more.
- I did need you.

If I could go back in time and stay...

..I would.

I wouldn't leave you.

I'd see it through.

I didn't.

And nothing I can say can fix it.

JIM: One b*mb or two?

- Spitfires didn't have bombs.
- I KNOW that.

It's called suspension of disbelief,
you shithead. It's art.

Sugar.

What now?

[EXHALES HEAVILY]
I just wanna say I'm sorry.

It won't happen again, I promise.

I have changed, you know. I'm... I'm...

I'm drinking, like, 30% less than
I was when you was a kid and...

- [SCOFFS]
- I'm a teetotaller...

...like, every other Sunday.

I just wanna be a better mum,
you know, like...

like the mum you're becoming.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

Oh, well... thanks.

I appreciate that.

[SOFTLY] Have a word.

Look, I want you to know
I'm gonna file for a divorce.

To be honest, I should've done it
years ago, when she left.

It was never a marriage
between me and Carol.

But you two...

Look, I can tell it's the real deal.

So, I hope it works out for you,
I really do.

Thanks.

Right, well, best be off.

I'm parasailing tomorrow afternoon
in Santorini.

The clearest waters you'll ever see.

To be honest, mate, I'm not
really into w-w-water sports.

That's a bit personal.

Are you in love with me, Carol?

I don't know if you are.

I think you love me
like you love trifle...

..or that... that film wit' kids in it.

- ET.
- Sound of Music. And...

I... want... someone...

I deserve someone...

who is IN love with me...

..who wants me as I am...

..even if it means putting up
with all my little...

..foibles and faults, you know?

So, what are you saying, like?

I don't know.

I don't know.

♪ DONOVAN: Catch the Wind ♪

♪ In the chilly hours and minutes

♪ Of uncertainty, I want to be

♪ In the warm hold of...

Not everything should stay
the same forever.

No, it shouldn't.

Maybe some change is good, you know.

Mm.

Like when you were blonde.

- Oh!
- Ohh!

- God, I wish I could be blonde again.
- Mm.

- Why can't you?
- It's bad for your hair.

Oh.

- Snaps it.
- Yeah.

Hey.

We f*cking love you. Do you hear me?

Every last inch of your hairy body.
[CHUCKLES]

[SNORTS]
Hirsute body.

- Tis.
- Tis.

[DISTANT CLATTER]
Oh, bollocks.

[GROANS]

sh*t.

Listen, if there's anyone out there,

I'm coming out!

I'm not f*cking about now.

Come on, f*cking show yourself.

Come on.

That's it. That's...
f*ck it, I'm coming... I'm...

Pwww! sh*t. Coming down there.

[SINISTER MUSIC]

What the f*cking hell's that all about?

Oh, f*ck. [SNIFFS]

Course.

MCCANN'S VOICE: 'You, Vincent,
are the sh*t on my shoe.'

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

Why don't you go back
to whatever f*cking pub

you left your mammy blowing a tr*mp in?

I want you to fix me up a fight.

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

You only need
a bit of f*cking coaching.

Who's gonna coach me
how to do all that?

Ta-da!

I'm gonna turn you
into a f*cking k*lling machine.

Well, I can turn him into a star.

Fight!
[CROWD YELLS]


♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I got so much trouble in my mind

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Give me the strength to carry on

♪ Cos everything I got
is just about gone... ♪