01x13 - Sketch 22/Manly Milo

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

BOY: Who?

GIRL 1:
Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN:
Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

Oh, cool, maracas!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

She's so cool.

So, guess what next Friday night is.

The Flan Fest at Casa Hazelnut?

No. It's the anniversary of...

-Water?
-Do ya think she knows how cool she is?

Focus, people.

Next Friday night is the anniversary of...

-That time a swan chased you up a...
-My braces!

It's been four years
since the removal of my braces.

Already?

So, I'll candy the apples
if you bring the taffy and corn cobettes.

Shhh. She's coming.

FEMALE VOICE: Hey, hi, hi, hi, Sketch.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey. Big up, man. What's up?

Uh... fine, thanks.

NICKY: That was an eighth grader.

She wasn't talking to you.

[PEPPER ANN HUMMING]

[SCREAMS]

[PANTS]

Cool Ramp-age.

[PANTS] I... I... It's all in the neck.

[CHUCKLES] All right.

Pepper Ann.

[SKETCH WHISTLING]

Oh.

NICKY: Pepper Ann!

I got you a meat mold.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-I guess she couldn't hear us.
-Huh.

Outside during lunch.

So, I greened the calc head
to spin the bore sheet.

Way to take advantage of your wealth
and social order.

Load.

Hey, this is Flare. She shreds.

We met at the anti-urban.

-Here's Tank...
-Hey, Flare.

-SKETCH: Poison.
-Flare.

-SKETCH: And Hush.
-[SODA CAN POPS]

Aren't carbonated beverages
ill*gal on school premises?

Like, hi, we're in eighth grade now,
we can drink whatever we want.

POISON: Unless she's only a...

Whoa! Situation Normal.
She's way too cool to be a seventh grader.

Watch. Hey, Flare, wanna flip
this kickstand for a flyer hang?

PEPPER ANN: Uh... yeah,
but not on Tuesdays?

-Hmm, load.
-Load.

NICKY: Pepper Ann, what are you doing?

Only eighth graders eat lunch outside.

Nicky, what does "load" mean?

[GASPS] I've heard that eighth grade slang
in the halls.

Let's get you out of here.

Uh, Nicky, did you know that
the, um, Hazelnut Junior Orchestra

is holding auditions in the auditorium?

The H.J.O.? Here?

Hey, I saw you with that Nicky Little.

Well she...

She's amazing for a seventh grader.

Listen, we're cramming Bio
in the Eighth Grade Lounge

after clock-out. Wanna with?

Uh... I have a cat.

[CHUCKLES] See ya, Flare-hair.

PEPPER ANN:
Ahh, you are so not an eighth grader.

You are Pepper Ann the seventh grader.

And that was a kind of a mean thing
to do to Nicky.

The name's Flare.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

I revel in the glory that is after school.

Vidiots?

Um, have you ever heard
of an eighth grade lounge?

[HESITATES] Have you seen Nicky?

Hello?

Hello?

[SYMPHONY PLAYING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, that snake is gonna eat that goat.
[LAUGHS]

Look out, el chivo!
I can't wait for Biology.

To be over. It's so...

So, whose class are you in anyway?

-Sorry, bookless.
-Oh.

My book?

It was, uh, shredded
in a freak woodchipper accident.

Enough studying.

It's not like we don't grade ourselves
anyway.

So, did you catch the flap
about the rager at Jake's?

Already there. Wanna with?

To catch some flap?

To the party? At Jake's?

On the free day. You should go.

Me? Uh... yeah... I...

Okay, if you're gonna do this
eighth grade thing, try not to blow it.

Can I bring anything? Tea cakes?

What are you saying? Be Cool.

You are so funny, Flare.
You're the witchiest.

-Oooh, Witch-ay Woman.
-Oooh oooh, Witch-ay Woman.

What's the dress?
Evening casual? Croquet whites?

-The dress is cool.
-Got you, muchacha!

[GROANS]

-MILO: Pepper Ann!
-NICKY: We're going to be late.

Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, you look like Fuzzy run over.

Huh? Yeah. Thanks.

It's just that we're worried about you.

I'm fine. I'm witchy.

Denial's not just a town in Iowa.

Milo and I haven't seen much of you and...

we just want to make sure
everything's okay.

I've just been busy, you know?
Doing cool stuff.

So I gotta heel-toe, but I'll catch you
on the slack back, Jack.

Uh... okay.

But you're still coming to my braces
anniversary Friday, aren't you?

I'll be there. Right by your side. Bye.

You're avoiding Milo and me,
so you can hang out with that older crowd.

I know what they call you, Flare.

You're right, okay?

I have been hanging out
with the eighth graders

and I'm not gonna stop.

They think I'm funny and cool and...

They think you're someone you're not.

You are a seventh grader. [SQUEALS]

Don't ruin it for me,
just because you're jealous

of my cool new life.

Well. Since your new life is too cool
for my straight teeth,

don't bother coming to their party
on Friday.

Oh! Yeah? Your teeth were always straight.

You just got braces
'cause you thought it looked cool.

-Admit it.
-[GASPS]

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Attention all students.

I'm calling an assembly.

Eighth graders,
please report to the auditorium.

Seventh graders go to the cafeteria.

Flare, let's spin.

Mem how in seventh Grade
they'd fake assemblies

just to take roll and suspend
anyone who didn't show?

[ALL LAUGH]

I'd like to thank you for participating

in our quarterly checkup
on those good-for-nothing seventh-graders!

FEMALE VOICE: Whoo. Go, Hickey.
You go, Hickey. Whoo.

[INDISTINCT CHEERING]

[PEPPER ANN PANTING]

Look, Milo.

Your friend decided to join us
at our lowly seventh grade function.

Did you count me yet?
‘Cause I'm here. Pepper Ann Pearson.

-Don't you mean, Flare?
-[GROANS]

PRINCIPAL HICKEY:
And so while the seventh graders

are tricked into being counted
like cattle,

we present for your listening pleasure,
Flaming Snot!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GASPS] I gotta tell Nicky and Milo.

[PANTS] You guys,
you won't believe this but...

This is an important assembly
on bicycle regulations.

Flaming Snot is in the auditorium.

Pepper Ann, please don't drag the sanctity

that is Flaming Snot
into your little charade.

It's kind of pathetic.

Shhhhh.

The band will be so much fatter Friday.

-[PANTS] Friday?
-SKETCH: The party.

-Free day, Friday? Mem?
-[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

-You are free, right?
-[PEPPER ANN GULPS]

PEPPER ANN: Let me check my schedule.

Friday night is perfect.

I'm free on the flip fly... fizz... fuzz.

-I'll be there.
-[TANK GROANS]

TANK: My mother jams to Flaming Snot.

PEPPER ANN: Well, so does mine, but...

POISON: Lame, lame, lame squared.

TANK: Load. I'm sick of this place.
Everything vacuums.

SKETCH: Like those guys. Snore.

And Biology. Bore.

Those horribly depressed looking
seventh graders.

Hard Core.

Enough!

Load, Flare.
I have fully depressed myself.

We need frothaccinos.

Hey, are you situation normal?

I don't know what you're saying, okay!
I just know that...

I'm a seventh grader. I like school.
I love Flaming Snot.

And these horribly depressed looking
seventh graders are my friends.

-Flare?
-My name's not Flare, it's Pepper Ann

and I'm sorry, but I am not going
to your party Friday night.

I'm going to Nicky's party
if she'll forgive me.

Look, I'd rather be myself
with my friends

than be someone else at the coolest party.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
I was a seventh grader,

-but you thought I was cool, and...
-Correction. I knew you were cool.

-Huh?
-You're loyal to your friends. It's cool.

I mean, to give up a party
as rad as Friday night's going to be

with all those celebrities and rock stars.

Listen, I've said too much.

Hey, don't wig, you'll be one freezer burn
eighth grader soon enough, Flare.

I mean, Pepper Ann.

Uh! Load to your mother!

So, can I still come
to your braces removal anniversary?

Only if you bring the corn cobettes.

It's nice to have you back.

So, what was it like, anyway?

Being an eighth grader?

Like being a seventh grader, only harder.

Hey, that seventh grader
has the same color hair as Flare.

Where'd she go anyway?

Sorry, Flare Houdini. Poof.

Home study.

-Load.
-Load.

[PEPPER ANN LAUGHING]

[ALL LAUGH]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Shut out from yet another
gender-specific assembly.

Milo, it's just another boring lecture
on girls' health.

It's not fair that I should miss the glory
that is assemblage

just because I'm a guy.

Please don't try and sneak in
through the air vent again.

If today's woman can be so active,
why is perspiration still taboo?

ALL SCREAM]

[GROANS]

What are you going to do?

I guess I'll just hang out with the guys.

-You have guys?
-Of course I have guys.

I've never seen you with guys.

Nicky, every guy has guys.

Hey, guys.

Who are you?

It's me. Milo.

Kamalani.

We've gone to school together
for eight years.

Are you that dude who always hangs
with those two girls?

Yeah.

Later.

Hey, guys.

How cool was that scene
in Manly Vengeance

when Crusher trashed
that sissy art gallery, huh?

[ALL LAUGH]

Yeah, and how cool was that moment
in Cecelia's Journey,

when she was forced to choose
between the pony she loves

and her dreams of the circus?

Chick flick.

[SIGHS] Hey, guys.

A 52-hour Carburetor Expo
at the Acorn Arena.

What could be better?

Snorkeling in a pool of my own sweat?

You kiss your mama with that mouth?

[MILO SIGHS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

-Milo, what's wrong?
-Where are your guys?

I don't have any guys!

I'm not guy enough to have any guys!

All I have is girls.

Pepper Ann, you have to help me
be a real guy.

Um, Milo, you're being ridiculous.

You're fine the way you are.

Of course, I'll help you, Milo.

No, Pepper Ann, you don't know
what you're doing.

I know that my friend Milo needs me,
and that's all I need to know.

Oh, not again.

I will undo a lifetime of hanging out
with the girls.

I will not rest until you are a real man.

Twelve-year-old male.
Found trapped underneath the barbell!

Experiencing severe lack of manliness.

Look at the pretty violets.

Don't worry, Nurse Nicky.

I will mow down those violets
with the monster truck of manhood.

Just need someone to talk to, some advice.

So, if you cool cats just need someone
to talk to, some advice, I'm your man.

-[SHRIEKS] Here I am.
-[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Mr. Finky, Milo wants to talk to you.

MILO: I was wondering, uh...

I mean, I... I wanted to know...

How to be a real man?

Don't go there, kid.

I took the long jump into manhood
and landed hard.

[SOBS]

[SNORES]

Don't you see, Sherm? She did love you.

She expressed it the only way
she knew how, with her knitting.

I... I never thought of it that way.
[SNEEZES]

So, about that jump to manhood...

Not now son, I have to claim a heart
from love's lost and found.

Mm-hmm.

-[HEART MONITOR BEEPING]
-Hunting Jacket.

Socks.

[SCOFFS] These socks are clean!

How do you expect him
to be a real guy in clean socks?

-I'm sorry I...
-PEPPER ANN: He needs power tools, pronto!

The Finky fiasco was all my fault.

You don't need advice, you need action.

Are you sure?

Trust me. You need to dive right
into the molten pool of manhood.

You've got to join the toughest,
most cutthroat sport there is.

[LAUGHS] You're ready, tiger.

So go kick some football butt.

Be a man!

You show them Milo.

[LOUD BANG]

MILO: Violence.

Milo? Milo?

Whatever you do, don't let anyone else
use the remote control.

I feel kind of...

Don't talk about your feelings!

I need 40 CCs of sensitivity remover.
Stat.

His guy pressure is falling!
We're losing him!

Hey, why so down, little man?

Little man? [SCOFFS]

Ahh! You want to lay that haystack
down at your old stepdad's feet?

I'm on a mission of manhood,

but everything I try
just makes me more confused.

I'm afraid I'll never learn
how to be a real man.

[CHUCKLES] That's easy, buddy.

-The secret to being a man is just...
-[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

But all you really, really
need to know is that you...

And for Pete's sake,

-don't forget to make sure that you...
-[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

...c*ck Spaniel. [LAUGHS]

-I'm glad we had this talk.
-But I...

Now you come to me again, you hear.

-I always have time for my stepson.
-[MOTOR REVS]

[SCREAMS]

There's still one thing I haven't tried...

No, he's too weak. He'll never survive it.

Darn it, Nicky, I'm not just his doctor,
I'm his friend.

Get me the man-ulator.

PEPPER ANN: For preventing those masculine
fashion faux pas.

For nutrition and poise.

[CHUCKLES] How did that get in here?

You two are making a big deal
out of nothing.

Milo is perfect the way he is.

The fact that he's less of a guy
actually, makes him more of a guy.

-I'm less of a guy?
-No, no.

Well, yes, but your guy-lessness
makes you a better guy.

Guy-lessness?

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY] Your lack of machismo.

[GASPS] Too much girl talk.

Must find guys.

Hey, lily liver.

-[ALL GASP]
-Huh?

Yeah, you.

Milo Kamalani's going to buff
the bike racks with your behind!

Outside. Five minutes.

Be there.

PA, query...

-are you crazy?
-It's so simple.

You take down the school bully
and you become the ultimate guy.

Where'd you learn all this stuff?

Guy Week on the Exploration Channel.

Hut man! Hut man! Hut man! Hut man!

[EXHALES LOUDLY]

This is going to be great.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

-[SCREAMS]
-He's a man!

A man!

Manage to move your hand
out of my face much?

The key is harnessing
your internal energy, or "chi."

I am completely at peace with myself
and my fellow man.

[SCREAMS]

Wait, I just wanted to give back
your lunch money.

Ah. So, you didn't fight the school bully.
No prob.

[GASPS] I can arrange for you
to beat up Dieter and then you can...

Forget it, PA. I'll never be a real guy.

I'm hopeless.

-Don't give up on me now, Milo!
-NICKY: Dr. Pearson.

-[HEART MONITOR BEEPS]
-No!

Time of manly failure, fourth period.

You did all you could.

So, she dissed me.

She didn't even care that my dad
picked her up in a convertible.

Who knows how girls think anyway?

That's the only thing I do know.

You know how chicks think?

They think you shouldn't call them chicks,
for one thing.

Don't you see?

Ze great challenge of our young male lives

is to figure out ze female mind.

None of us is man enough
to know how chicks...

uh, young women think.

They think like us, only you got to read
between the lines a little.

-MALE VOICE 1: Wow.
-MALE VOICE 2: Reading.

Example. If a girl won't look at you,
she obviously likes you.

Either that or she doesn't know you exist.

ALL: Oh!

So a guy's guy-lessness can actually
make him more of a guy in a girl's eyes.

-They're tricky like that.
-[SNIFFS]

Much like wild animals, they are as afraid
of you as you are of them.

[ALL LAUGH]

Milo Kamalani.

You're the man.

You may have failed at being a guy,
but I failed...

-at being a friend.
-MALE VOICE: Dig it, Milo.

No one failed at anything, PA.

I was a real guy all along.

We just bought into a bunch of myths
and stereotypes.

Being a guy isn't about winning a fight
or gawking at cars.

We just have to be ourselves.

We're all people.

Hey Milo! Reading, man!

-CRAIG: Hey, Kamalani.
-[ALL GASP]

Cool advice.

You gave advice to an eighth grader?

Whoa... Milo. What did you tell him?

Sorry girls, it's a guy thing.

[MONITOR BEEPING]

[MECHANICAL CLICKING]

Is it fish stick day?

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]