02x01 - Quiz Bowl/License to Drive

[bunniefuu]

[THEME SONG PLAYING]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh.

GIRL 2: Who is she,
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann, Pepper Ann
Much too cool for seventh grade

No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

All right! Mardi Gras beads!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

Hello, friend.

Sweet.

Praise Klaus, I have arrived!

[LAUGHS] Yeah!

[GASPS] You made the Quiz Bowl team?

The tournament's in Philbert!
We get a week vacation from school!

"Congratulations on being picked
for our seventh-grade Quiz Bowl team.

"The four of you represent
the most unique minds of your class."

Milo Kamalani,

encyclopedia of useless facts
are ideal for quiz bowls.

Dieter Lederhosen,

vast knowledge of food
and food accessories.

Nicky Little.

Amazing.

And Pepper Ann Pearson...

because for one week,

I won't have to deal
with any of your crazy misadventures.

-Pepper Ann! Pay attention.
-Huh?

Hey, I'm an alternate.

I get the all-expense paid trip
to Philbert without doing the work.

Since our usual Quiz Bowl coach

Ms. Ford is... [CLEARS THROAT]
...on sabbatical

at the I Can Shine Clinic,
Ms. Bladdar has volunteered to step in.

So, bye.

Okay. You're gonna study here
instead of going to gym class for a month.

If you need me, I'll be at Java Nut
doing espresso shots.

Wait! You have to pick a team captain.

You got it, kid. Don't hurt yourself.

You heard the bitter teacher.
It's up to me to mold you junk heaps

-into trivia tractors!
-[DEITER CHEERING]

Go, Milo! Go, Milo! Go, Mi... [GROANS]

Bucharest, Romania. Population, 1,900,000.

Uh. Frankfurt, Germany.
Birthplace of the wiener.

Did you know that Philbert is home
to the National Fuzzy-heim Museum?

This French author is known
for such short stories

as The Necklace and Mademoiselle Fifi.

-Master storyteller John Grisham?
-No, no, no! It's Guy de Maupassant.

-Drop and give me 20!
-[BOTH GASP]

-One, two, three, four. And twenty!
-[GROANS]

P.A., at least pretend to study.
You're making me look bad.

Hey, you guys are the trivia tractor.
I'm just a spare tire.

-[DIETER GROANING]
-[GASPS, GROANS]

If I trip over one more
sweaty exchange student...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Little, define mitosis.

Okay, we're gonna play a game
my mother taught me called

"Anyone who speaks during the trip
rides in the trunk," capisce?

But we still need so much work!

[GROANS]

All right, so, remember,
if you get homesick or something,

muffle your cries with your pillow
so I won't hear you in the next room.

Night!

Welcome to the Bump-A-Thon Quiz Bowl,
sponsored by Bump Gasoline!

I'm Bump, the friendly gas pump.

Here's the scoopage,
two days of elimination.

Winners go on, losers go home.
You kids wanna be losers?

CHILDREN: No!

Well, most of you will be.
Only two teams will go on to the finals,

a two-day tournament to be televised

-on prestigious Channel 96!
-[GASPS]

Televised?

Wanna tour
the Hanging Gardens of Philbert tonight?

So, good luck, brainiacs!
Go, Bump-A-Thon!

[SCREAMS, GROANS]
A little help here? Anybody? Come on!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

-[BUZZER CHIMES]
-The summer solstice!

-[BELL DINGING]
-[BUZZER CHIMES]

-Gloria Steinem.
-[BELL CHIMES]

Bacon-wrapped fillet with béarnaise sauce.

[BELL CHIMES]

[GROANS]

-This Broadway chanteuse...
-[BUZZER CHIMING]

-Gina Rivera!
-[BELL DINGING]

We did it! We're in the finals!

Two more days here?

[UPBEAT MUSIC CONCLUDES]

You guys rock!

SHERIE SPLEEN: Born to hardworking parents

-in the wheat fields of Walnut...
-[BABY CRIES]

...the Grimmet Quadruplets

have spent every day
of their 12 years studying trivia...

-[BUZZER CHIMES]
-Anaïs Nin.

...in preparation

-for the ultimate challenge.
-[MUMBLING]

-The Bump-A-Thon Quiz Bowl!
-[MUMBLING]

So, don't touch that dial!

-MALE PRODUCER: And we're clear.
-[BUZZER SOUNDING]

Get this thing away from me.

[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS]

-[SMOOTH JAZZ MUSIC CONCLUDES]
-[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS]

-MALE PRODUCER: And we're back.
-[BUZZER SOUNDING]

First, from Our Lady of Walnut,

the fantastic phenomena
of the Grimmet Quads.

So adorable!

And from Hazelnut Middle School,
some other kids.

-Aw!
-Huh?

Remember, even though over 1,000 viewers

will be hanging on your every word,
just pretend the cameras aren't there.

Over 1,000?

QUIZ CALLER: This author is known
for such works

as The Necklace and Mademoiselle...

[BUZZER CHIMES]

-[BUZZER BUZZING]
-Excuse me. [GROANS]

Nicky, are you okay?

-Nicky?
-Alternate chick, you're up.

Come on, Nicky, you wimp!
Get back here and... [GROANS, GULPS]

[HEART BEATING]

The category, U.S. presidents.
This president was the first...

-George Washington!
-[BUZZER SOUNDING]

No. This president was the first
to hold a press conference

on national television.

-[BUZZER CHIMES]
-Dwight D. Eisenhower.

-Our 34th president, elected in 1952.
-[BELL DINGING]

So, Nicky, I'm sure you're over
your stage fright by now!

You'll be fine tomorrow, right?

-[NICKY GROANING]
-There is no tomorrow, P.A.

We are up Quiz Bowl creek,
and you, sister, are no paddle.

Hey, I know I haven't been
the best alternate,

but maybe with your help, I could...

Excuse me, but there is no way
that you can cram enough trivia

in one night for us to win. It's over.

P.A., cram doesn't pay.

Says who? I'll cram all night long,
and tomorrow we'll win this thing!

Come on, guys, what do ya say?

MILO: Try again, P.A.

-What lower intestinal disorder...
-[NICKY GROANS]

-I... I can't.
-[TOILET FLUSHING]

-All this trivia, I don't know any of it.
-But you do! You heard it once,

long ago in science lab or history class,

and your brain filed it away
in a special Quiz-Bowl space.

You don't understand, I filled
that space with Flaming Snot lyrics.

Concentrate! As your team captain,

I will not rest until you've crammed
every piece of trivia into your brain.

-Can you do it?
-You bet I can!

There's got to be a better way
to organize this stuff.

There's no time, just make room.

-Get rid of whatever you have to.
-[SQUEAKS]

Who put all this Philbert junk in here?

Does she really need to know
how to tie her shoes?

[GULPS, EXHALES]

[GROANS]

Brain freeze.

-The international language?
-Esperanto.

-Street name for the manatee?
-Sea cow.

-Medical term for laser eye surgery?
-Radial keratotomy.

[GASPS] Milo, it's a miracle!

I'm right? I did it!
I made up for a month's worth of slacking

in one night! I am the queen of cram.

-[MUMBLES]
-Welcome back to the Bump-A-Thon...

-Quiz Bowl!
-[CHUCKLES] Not... not yet.

Our first category, disease.
This lower intestinal disorder...

-[BUZZER CHIMES]
-Dysentery!

Self-Contained Underwater
Breathing Apparatus.

[BELL DINGING]

-[BUZZER CHIMES]
-Agoraphobia!

-Yeah!
-Yes!

-Vasco da Gama, baby!
-[BELL DINGING]

[MUMBLES]

And Team Hazelnut has tied
the fabulous Grimmet Quadruplets.

Stay tuned for the tie-breaker question.

You're doing great, champ.
How ya holding up?

Okay, but I'm starting to get a headache.

Too much work!

What the fuzzy?
I'm getting claustrophobic!

You're stressing me out, man.

Our last category is Pop Culture.

Who is the lead singer
of the chart-topping rock group

Flaming Snot?

-[BUZZER CHIMES]
-[CHUCKES] Easy!

And the winning answer is...

Oh, I know this.
Um, I know this. It's, um...

[SCREAMS]

I hate you!
Where's the Flaming Snot section?

I tossed it to make room
for nuclear physics.

I had to cram everything in.
I just... I...

I don't know!

-[BUZZER SOUNDING]
-So, the victory goes

-to the fabulous Grimmets after all!
-[GRIMMET QUADS CHEER]

Mick Snot. [SIGHS]
How could I have forgotten that?

Don't sweat it, P.A.
Once, I even forgot my own name.

So, I just told everyone
to start calling me Milo.

-Your name is Milo.
-Sure, now it is.

Here. Runner-up prize.

P.A., we've been playing for hours.

I miss my family.

No way I'm waiting
till the last minute next year.

We're gonna play every day.
And as Fuzzy is my witness,

I'll never cram again.

Um, by the way, did you study
for tomorrow's science test?

Test? [GASPS] Tomorrow?

Forget about it! Fourteen hours
to memorize 32 chapters?

-More Mocha Freezies!
-That does it. I quit!

[SCREAMS]

Ageless and la-la, always green

Peppie, I'm so glad your roller skates
are in the shop.

It gives me an excuse
to drive my baby to school!

Uh, Mom, you can drop me off here.
Ma... okay, Mom! This is good. Right here.

Mom!

-Bye, honey! Have a wonderful day!
-[GROANS]

-[CAR HORN BLARING]
-[SCREAMS, CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS] The old parental
drop-off-slash-pick-up.

The bane of every
middle schooler's existence.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

MILO: Check out that fresh ride.

[ALL SIGH]

[SIGHS] High schoolers are so cool.
How cool would it be to even know one?

A high schooler spoke to me once.

He said, quote, "Get your sorry butt
out of my way," end quote.

Hey, P.A., isn't your cousin Ned
in high school?

-[TIRES SQUEAKING]
-[CLEARS THROAT]

Ned doesn't count.

Uh, why aren't you watching TV
at your own house?

Cable's out.

Isn't there some high school thing
you could be doing?

-No.
-Ned,

do you want free movie passes
to the premiere of Le Femme Fuzzy?

No, thanks, Auntie Lydia. [SNORTS]

Sweetie, uh,
would you like these cutting-edge,

underground teen zines?

-No, thanks, Mom.
-Hey there, Ned.

Wanna help your old man
build a miniature replica

-of the Lost City of Atlantis?
-No, thanks, Dad.

I'll see Le Femme Fuzzy!
I'll read those cutting-edge zines!

I'll build the Lost City of Atlantis!

Sorry, honey, but the movie's PG-13.

Ooh. Sorry, Pepper Ann,

but they're cutting-edge,
underground "teen" zines.

Sorry, kiddo, but it says on the box,
"Ages 13 and up."

[BURPS]

-Ned. What a waste of a teenager.
-Oh, speaking of which,

have you thought
about what you're getting Ned

for his 16th birthday next week?

Oh, whatever we're making in art class.

I can't believe my little Nedward
is turning sweet 16.

Yup. And we're getting our son
what every 16-year-old wants,

-a new set of wheels!
-[SPITS]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-[CELL PHONE BEEPS]
-Marie, you won't believe this.

Comfy? My dearest Cousin Ned.
You must be really excited,

what with your birthday
coming up and all.

Yup. [CHUCKLES]
Can't wait for my new wheels.

It's supposed to be a "surprise,"
so keep your mouth shut. [SNORTS]

-[GASPS] Oh, my! New wheels, you say?
-[DOOR BELL RINGING]

Now, don't you go anywhere, ya hear?

Hey, P.A., you wanna go
to the Greasy N' Cheesy and try the...

[BOTH GASP]

Ned's getting a car next week.

I have to cram 12 years
of cousinly love into seven days

if I have any hope of getting free rides!

Now, Nicky, I know you're gonna say
that I shouldn't use Ned just to get...

Can it, Red! Mama needs
to toss these walkin' shoes.

Now, get your caboose in there
and start kissing up, posthaste!

Okay. Time for two loving cousins
to do a little reminiscing.

-[MUSIC PLAYS OVER TAPE RECORDER]
-[HUMS] Oh, look!

There we are,
playing together in the sand box.

-That's not me.
-Yes, it is.

Oh, and here's the two of us
swimming in Lake Tammy.

-That's a six foot tall Latina.
-No, it's not.

Oh, boy, those were the days, huh?

MALE ANNOUNCER:
In its 13th successful year,

the Cheese Capades return to Hazelnut
for another sold-out performance!

[SIGHS] The Cheese Capades.

I always wanna go,
but tickets always sell out. [SNORTS]

They do? I mean...
[CHUCKLES] ...of course, they do.

I'd do anything to go.

Anything. [SNORTS]

Yeah, our mom designs costumes
for the Cheese Capades.

-Why do you...
-Ask?

I need you to pull some strings
and get me two tickets to the show.

-What's in it...
-For us?

How would you like to be dropped off
and picked up every day,

not by a parent, but by an actual
high schooler with his own car?

[CHEERS, CHUCKLES]

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Oh, looks like Monterey Jack needs a Jill!

-Jack! Jack!
-Oh! Oh! Jack!

-FEMALE FAN: Pick me, Jack!
-FEMALE FAN 1: Remember me from the bus?

-No way.
-Come on, Coz. Please?

-[STUDENTS CHEERING]
-[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[CHUCKLES] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Look at Jack and Jill go down the...

-[PEPPER ANN SCREAMING]
-[CROWD GASPS]

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Ouch. That has got to hurt.

[PAGER BEEPS]

Hi, Ned! I was just ironing your shirts
when I got your beep!

What? A special cheese-making documentary

at the exclusive members-only
Hazelnut Players' Guild?

Of course, I can get tickets!

[SCOFFS] No, Daddy's not a member
of the Players' Guild.

[SCOFFS] What am I gonna do?
I need tickets to the documentary and...

-He's one of the founders.
-So, can you get me the tickets?

And I'd do you a favor because?

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

-Cool, Coz. I owe ya one.
-You bet ya.

NARRATOR: How Cheese Is Made,
a documentary presented in Surround Smell.

Day one. A peasant woman reaps milk
from the cow.

Squeeze. Squeeze. Squeeze.

-[YAWNS]
-[COW MOOING]

NARRATOR: Day 206. Separating the curd.

-Day 748. Tragedy strikes!
-[GASPS]

NARRATOR: The seal
of the vat has been broken,

-tainting all of the cheese.
-[GROANS]

NARRATOR: We must start
back at the beginning.

No! [CRIES]

I know. You can't believe they wasted
all that cheese!

-[CRIES]
-[CRIES, SNORTS]

MALE ANNOUNCER ON TV: Et voila!

Le souffle de fromage
has reached perfection.

Hey, only two more days
till your birthday.

-You must be so ex...
-[CLEARS THROAT]

-You must be so ex...
-You know what I want more than anything?

-What?
-A gourmet dinner.

If only I knew a chef de haute cuisine,
I could get any cheese dish I wanted.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Oh!

No, Pepper Ann.
I cook for me and me alone!

-But you'll get rides every day and...
-Talk to the mitt.

Ned's new wheels just might
have a cushion for Klaus.

[SLURPS]

Hey. Cheddar-cino?

Uh, no. So, I set up
that gourmet dinner thing for tonight.

All right. So, who's gonna get to have
the pleasure

of my dining company?

-[SNORTS, SLURPS]
-Oh!

-[STUDENTS GASP]
-Look! Here she comes!

[STUDENTS CHEER]

I told you, Pepper Ann,
I only cook for one!

I only made food for one!

Oh, come on!

Just throw in a couple
more cans of sauce, that's all.

Mm-hmm, that is good.

And then maybe you can drive
a stake through my heart!

[SOBS]

[CLEARS THROAT, COUGHS]
-Excuse me.

Pepper Ann, I said I had to go!

No, you don't.
Think about it real, real hard.

Dude, small enough portions?

[SCREAMS] That does it!
Nothing is worth this agony! I quit!

-[SOBS]
-[DOOR SLAMMING]

So, can I get you two anything else?

-[ALARM BEEPS]
-PEPPER ANN: Finally!

Happy birthday!
Who's my favorite 16-year-old? Huh? Who?

Say! Now that we're so chummy
and cousinly,

what do ya say you give me a ride
in your new wheels?

-[BOTH GROAN]
-Oops!

[CHUCKLES] Did I just spill the beans?

We were going to save this for last,

but guess the cat's out of the bag.
[CHUCKLES] Happy birthday, Son!

A new set of wheels!
Just what I wanted! [CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

This is a joke, right?

Oh! [SMOOCHES]

-[GROANS]
-Hey!

Come check out my new wheels.
[SNORTS]

No, thanks.

Why? 'Cause you thought
it was gonna be a new car?

-You... you knew?
-Uh, yeah.

I'm sorry I tried to use you, Ned.

But you don't know what it would've meant
to get rides from an actual high schooler.

I mean, for one shining moment,
I would've been the coolest kid in school.

Don't sweat it, Coz.
I was the same way when I was your age.

-You were?
-[CHOMPS]

No. It just sounded
like a good thing to say.

-So, can I still get that ride?
-Yeah.

You knew I was kissing up to you
this whole time?

-Yup.
-So, how come you didn't say anything?

Duh. [SNORTS]

'Cause then you wouldn't have done
all that stuff for me.

-Oh.
-[PANTS]

I still can't believe you made me sit
through the Cheese Capades!

[GROANS, PANTS] Pepper Ann?
Why are all those people chasing us?

[STUDENTS CLAMOR]

Town's full of weirdos.

-Can you pedal any faster?
-[SNORTS, PANTS]

[STUDENTS CLAMOR]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]