06x06 - The Mark

[bunniefuu]

This programme contains very
strong language from the outset

and throughout.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

You said you'd give me more shifts
next week, but you cut me back again.

Sorry, Erin.
It all slows down this time of year.

- Gotta keep staff numbers lean, Erin.
- [SIGHS] Lean?

Lean like a sirloin steak. Open
us a bottle of champagne, darling.

We're celebrating.
We'd just won a very precious...

Very expensive...
..historical heirloom at auction.

- We got it for 20k.
- Wow.

But we know - nudge, nudge -
it is worth significantly more!

Kimmy here can't contain herself.

She is moist with excitement.

More than moist, Dougie.

I'm pleased for you. What is it?

[CRASH] - So sorry!
- Oh, sh*t!

Uh, one second, I'll help you.

While you're down there...
[BOTH CACKLING]

- It's Captain Hardy's pocket watch.
- Ah.

She won't know who Captain Hardy is.

I do actually,
Admiral Nelson's number two.

Oh, well done you.

Actually, his flag captain,
but you're very close.

Talking of very close,
while down there...

[BOTH CACKLING]

♪ BARRETT STRONG: Money ♪

DR CHRIS: [TANNOY]
'Vincent O'Neil to Room Two, please.

Vincent O'Neil to Room Two.'

Oi, you sound like someone working
at the f*ck' checkout at Asda.

- Look at that.
- Oh, for f*ck's sake, dude.

[CHUCKLING] It's horrible, dude.

You're gonna end up losing your f*ck'
license if you carry on like that.

Wearing it to a mate's 50th is
gonna bring the house down.

Has he asked you to wear that, has he?

- He knew the risks, didn't he?
- f*ck' hell, dude.

Don't be shy. Cop a feel. Come on.

- Ooh!
- Ooh, did it hurt?

Imagine carrying that around
all day in your chinos.

I wouldn't have to worry about carrying
that sh*t around in me chinos,

cos no one's rooting around in my
f*ck' trousers, are they?

sh*t!

- It's really stuck, innit?
- It's stuck.

Hmm.

Here.

Careful! What if someone came in?

f*ck' Pikeys!
[OBJECTS CLATTER]

Oi! f*ck you doing, you?

You lots think you can put
your deck chairs out anywhere.

I pay council tax for this field.

You can pick up the chair and
stop being and eejit, will you?

You pick up the f*cking chair.

Why don't you go back to whatever
f*cking pub you left your mammy

blowin' a tr*mp in, you f*ck'-
[GRUNTS]

CARDI: Oh! f*ck!

[GRUNTS, GROANS]

f*ck' hell! Ash!

[COUGHING]
Bellend.

[HE GRUNTS, GROANS]
f*ck!

If I catch you around here again,
I'll rip the spine out of your back

and shove it down your
friend's throat, you hear me?

- Go on. f*ck off.
- f*ck 'em, let's go.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ashley Dennings, there's something
f*ck' wrong with you.

You have to fight in there
like your Auntie Aoife.

♪ THE CURE: Boys Don't Cry ♪

♪ Boys don't cry... ♪

I'm not very happy about her
being here.

I know that, but she's
your f*ck' wife.

So, it doesn't matter what
you've been through, does it?

Nought will change that, will it?

- That's not true, is it?
- She's committed bigamy.

- It's a criminal offense like.
- f*ck's happened to you?

- I got dicked.
- Was he massive?

- Our Niall didn't say he was massive.
- He was, yeah. Quite big.

He wasn't f*ck' massive, Cardi.

He was a tiny little scroat, this lad.

- He were f*cking fast though.
- Was he quick?

- Was he though, Ash?
- I just said he were fast, didn't I?

What's the point of me being here

if I don't do the thing that I'm
supposed to do?

I'm the tough one.
We all have our things.

Hm.

Erin's got brains, Meena does death,
JJ... likes podcasts,

Vinnie... does...

- Depression.
- ...depression and that stuff.

You're good at stuff too, man.
You're not just a f*cking lump.

You're a very integral member
of the g*ng.

I want a fight.

- No. It's a bad idea, Ashley.
- I think I need it, Vic.

I've gone all soft.

- Nah, nah-nah. Ash, Ash, nah-nah. No.
- I'm not joking, lads.

He's make me look like a right fool
there now.

And I won't mind, but's it's only
him and JJ seen the f*ck' thing.

It's not like they blabbing it
to all and sundry.

- We told you, though, didn't we?
- You did tell me about it, yeah.

To be fair now, our Niall's
seen it now and Tommy Sweeney.

And the Mohan sisters,
the six of them were watching.

After making a TikTok of it,
you know. And one of them gifs.

They've done a gif?

Look.
[LAUGHTER]

Move out of way so I can see it.
That is hilarious.

Oh, well, I'm glad
you're all just gobbling up

my disappointment
and my embarrassment here, guys.

- Maybe I do have something to prove.
- Oh, Ash.

And that is staying there.

- Oh, now you see, look.
- Move already!

That was your fault, Carol.

Ash!

♪ As I was going over

♪ The far famed Kerry mountains... ♪
[GRUNTING]

[BOTH ROAR]
Alright, lads.

Hey, Niall. I have a favour for you.

Would you fix me up a fight?

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

What is so funny about that?

Oh, Ashley, that's a good one.

- A fight?
- Yeah.

- After this morning's performance?
- Just a bit ring rusty is all.

Nothing wrong with that. We were
working hard in the gym, you know.

Yeah, your gym body, looks great,
but it does nothin' for you.

I got an idea. Why don't we organise
a fight for Ashley ourselves?

- How are you gonna do that?
- Advertising.

What you gonna do? Put a postcard
up in the soft play area?

[RAUCOUS LAUGHTER]

Very good.

Come on now. Don't be gettin' all
upset. We're only takin' the piss.

- Whatever.
- Listen, listen, listen.

I know someone who knows a fellow,
who knows a man who knows the craic.

Make the call so.

[LINE RINGING]
Here we go, Ashley. You're back.

Donal? Yeah.

Listen, I was given
your number by an acquaintance.

I hear you're fixing fights
for some of the new lads.

A-ha.

My guy?

Ashley Dennings.

But listen, he wants to fight.

Yeah, he wants to work hard
and prove himself. OK.

Just you text me
all the details then. OK.

OK, good man yourself, Donal.
OK. OK, bye, bye.

- Well? Huh?
- Sorted.

Yeah, what-what is sorted?
What are the details?

Tell us.

- Someone bailed...
- Yeah?

..and there's a spot for you.

- Now listen.
- God!

You're fighting Benjy O'Conner.

In a Barn Burners bout. Saturday 28th.

- 28th of this month?
- Yeah.

- Ooh, an O'Conner.
- O'Conner?

Ashley Dennings is back, baby.

- Hang on, hang on. Barn Burners?
- Barn Burners, baby!

What's Barn Burners?
[WHOOSHING]

I don't know. What is it?

JIM: Wait till you see this bit.
[ALL GROAN]

- His elbow's backwards!
- Like I said, classic.

Niall set me up.

Sounds like you asked him for
a fight and he got you a fight.

No, no, no. It was boxing
I asked for, not whatever that is.

The f*ck' purest sport
there is, this.

f*ck' strikin',
wrestlin', grapplin'...

You can even stick
your finger up someone's an*s

if the opportunity arises.

[BOTH GROANING]
Anything goes in Barn Burners.

Ey, this is f*ck' brutal.

I'm not able to do a single thing
they're doing on there.

You only need a bit
of f*ck' coachin'.

Coaching? Who's gonna coach me
how to do all that?

TA-DA!

f*ck' you! As if, like! [LAUGHS]

Hey! Merchant Navy days.

Six months laid off between boats.
Got into fightin'.

Had to earn me keep somehow.

- I f*ck' fought 'em all, I did.
- Did you win?

Let's just say, I earned enough
to keep me in ladyboy shows.

What?!

[JAZZ MUSIC]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

I'm not expecting anyone, Donna?

Neither am I.

It'll be something
that you've ordered online

after one too many cherry brandies.

Like that weighted blanket.

Or that tiny jug
you thought was a much bigger jug.

[PHONE THUDS ON TABLE]

[OMINOUS STING]

What the f*ck do you want, Joey?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

[DOOR CLOSES]

Manolito would be turning in his grave

if he saw
how f*cking filthy this place is.

What do you want, Joey?
I've come to make you an offer.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

You get to live...

You'll eventually earn more money
than you've ever dreamed of earning.

But you do have to pay us back
for that statue.

I mean, that's a line
you just don't cross.

And you have to get rid of
Vincent O'Neil.

♪ It's passing me by

♪ Been in and out

♪ In front of my judgmental eyes

♪ Precious disguise...

How flexible is "get rid of"?

It's about as flexible
as my c*ck after six Viagra.

♪ I am flesh

♪ Bones

♪ I am skin

♪ Soul...

I know you're a worthless
piece of sh*t, Davey.

With your stupid haircut,
and your stupid moustache,

and your weird, f*cking camp
way of speaking, it's just...

Charming.

Unless you want to join your brother

strewn across a f*cking field
in five f*cking pieces...

Six.

..you'll do what's asked of you.

♪ I am human...

[CHUCKLES MENACINGLY]

♪ Nothing more than human...

Do we understand each other?

[MUSIC DISTORTS]

Yes.

Good.
♪ I am human... ♪

So, the sooner O'Neil's dead,
the better.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Here he is.

Boss champ.

Yeah.

[WHOOSHING]

Yeah.

- Good, isn't it?
- Yeah.

What's all this shite then?
Where's all the real training gear?

Functional training.

I'm gonna turn you
into a f*ck' killin' machine.

- [CHUCKLES] Alright.
- What the f*ck's that for?

Social media.

It don't matter how well he boxes,

it's about his online presence,
you know.

Is nothing sacred?

Make sure you stay on that side, Cardi,

get that f*ck' sharp
jaw line, Cardi, yeah?

I want it all uploaded as we go, right?

Don't worry. Yeah, yeah.

Now, lets start off light.
See where we f*ck' land up.

Oh! f*ck! Jesus Christ!

- Ooh!
- f*ck's sake, Jim.

What happened to taking it light?

That's about as f*ck' light
as it gets.

Benjy O'Conner is gonna
wanna f*ck' hurt you,

squeeze your ball bag
until it f*ck bursts!

Right, no time for baby steps.

I wanna a one, two, slip,
cross, roll, hook, cross.

Right. Easy.

Go on.

f*ck' wrong!

Jim, do you really
need to keep hitting him?

It's a pleasure/pain principle.

I get pleasure
while I'm givin' him pain.

- Alright, that's...
- f*ck'...

[PHONE NOTIFICATION DING]

Right, what do you think?

Ah, no, love. You don't suit green.
You can't wear that.

It clashes with your complexion.
I always used to say to her

when she was a little girl,
"Never wear green or red..."

Actually purple,
and stay away from orange.

I don't even want to go out tonight.

Sugar, we have not been out
in a very long time, OK? So just...

- Go and put your blue dress on, please.
- Yeah, go on.

Aw! Well now you're just being a baby.

She was like this when
she was little, you know.

Tantrums all the time.
Do you know what?

Once, I asked her to put her little hand
up the U-bend to de-clog the toilet,

she went ballistic.

I said, "If this is gonna be
your attitude in life,

no one is gonna like you,
let alone love you."

Well I love you.
[CHUCKLES]

[PHONE DINGS]

Right, come on, taxi's here.

- Fine.
- Go on.

[FRUSTRATED SIGH]

Put a coat on.

♪ AC/DC: Back In Black ♪

- [GASPS]
- Shugs.

[LAUGHS] Oh, my God!
[ERIN EXCLAIMS]

You knew!

ASH: Here come in for a photo there.
Everyone say, "Erin."

ALL: Erin!

- How's the job going?
- Hm. Good.

It's in one of those swanky bars,

- so the tips are really good.
- Hm.

But the owners,
f*cking hell, they're just bellends.

- Bellends of Belhundrus.
- He's like an old-school perv

and she just, well,
looks down her nose at everyone.

- They sound awful.
- Hm.

- Posh bosses like that.
- What's happened to your face?

Was in a scrap, Erin.
Don't worry about it.

Basically, I have a big fight coming up,

so been doing a lot of training
for it with Jim over there.

Why would you do that?
You don't like fighting.

The last time, you got drugged,

- and he has to take your place.
- And I was sick.

- We all remember how that ended up.
- Hm.

Just because I'm f*cking handsome

doesn't mean that
I'm not the tough one anymore.

- Like, I'm not to be messed with, Erin.
- OK.

Look, he was the laughin' stock
of everyone.

Look at the f*ck' state of that.
[LAUGHTER]

- Oh, let's all enjoy that again.
- Some things never change, do they?

f*ck's sake. I missed you all.

Well, come back.

I can't. Tyler loves it there and...
started a new life.

Oh, but, I have got something
that you might be interested in.

Oh, yeah? Look at that f*cking
crafty face. Come on then, spill it.

Right, OK. You know the owners
I was talking about?

Hmm.

They're called Kim
and Dougie Radcliffe.

They were in the bar the other day,
celebrating.

They offered me a glass of champagne
to toast the heirloom that they got.

Captain Hardy's pocket watch.

KIM: Cheers.
[GLASSES CLINK]

Who's Captain Hardy?

He's the fat one from Laurel 'n Hardy.

[ALL GROAN]

He's f*ck' Nelson's sailing mate.

Correct. [CLICKS TONGUE]

- "Kiss me, Hardy" and all that bollocks.
- You what?

f*ck' Nelson's last words
to Hardy: "Kiss me, Hardy."

- Right.
- So they were g*y, so, these lads?

Well, they weren't land g*y.
It's just a bit of sea gayness.

f*ck' sea gayness isn't
a thing, you c**t.

It f*ck' is!

Ey! You can go insane couped up
on those choppy waves.

- Hm. Stand above them.
- It's completely different to land gayness.

We got a tip-off that a watch coming
up for auction was indeed the watch

belonging to Hardy, only...

..it's been sold as a standard antique.

- Ahhh.
- I'm an nautical expert.

It's got a unique signature
scratched on the back.

So, it's Nelson Mandela's
g*y friend's watch?

- f*ck' Admiral Nelson!
- You know!

And has a big column, too, in London.

f*ck' huge thing and that f*ck'
twat stuck at the top of it.

This big, important man,
his last words were a g*y request.

[BELL DINGING]
[SAILORS SHOUTING]

[CANONS BOOMING]

Please, nurse, just one moment
alone with the Admiral.

I am under strict instructions
to not leave him.

[WATCH TICKING]

For you, my pocket watch...

for one minute alone with the Admiral.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

One minute. No more.

[SAILORS' SHOUTING CONTINUES]

And so cometh the end...

Talk f*cking normal.

[SHIP CREAKING]
I shall miss you, Sir.

Miss you with all my heart.

[SENTIMENTAL MUSIC]

Kiss me, Hardy.

♪ Love lift us up
where we belong... ♪

Sea gayness.

I need to book that cruise I've
been meaning to go on. [LAUGHTER]

Well, the Ratcliffes said
it's worth £200,000.

- f*cking 'ell.
- Lord fire.

Yeah, well that's
what they've insured for anyway.

Well, where do they live?

I didn't tell you,
so you could nick it.

[TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
Oh, piss off.

[LAUGHTER]

So if that picture of you with
your kit off has got 80 likes,

but that video of Jim
punching you in the face

has got over 22,000.

That can't be right.

Yeah, it says,
"Who's the old man coaching?"

"Whiplash, but with boxing."

"More videos of the psychotic
old gnome knobhead, please."

Psychotic is right. He is psychotic!
He had me training earlier on,

carrying bales of hay from
the farmhouse up to the tractor,

back and forth, back and forth,
it took seven hours.

- As training?
- As training, yeah.

He was really pedantic
about it as well.

"Make sure you keep them in a
straight line," and doing all that.

- Yeah.
- He was really a**l about it.

Yeah. Did he just drive off
with them in the end?

- Just drove off with them at the end, yeah.
- Hm.

- Ah!
- Yeah.

- He had me working for free, the f*ck!
- Yeah.

[CHUCKLES]
Yeah. For seven hours.

- Seven hours, yeah.
- Invoice him for that, you know.

- Here, delete that last one.
- No, it looks good man.

Cardi, delete the photo.
I don't like my jawline in it.

- No.
- I don't like...

Ah! You hit me in the c*ck, man!

- Cardi, delete the photo!
- No.

- It's f*cking important that people see it.
- I don't like my jawline in it.

No, it's... No. It's good.
We've gotta keep it up.

It's... Argh! Care...

- I am gonna MMA you back...
- Is your... Is your bike OK?

- Flat tyre.
- Oh.

Well, I can fix it for you if you want?

What, do you know how to?

Yeah, yeah, you just need the thing.

You know, the thing that goes
into the thing...

- The what?
- The, erm...

The inner whatsit that goes inside...

that slides in to the...
the, you know...

- The inner tube.
- The inner tube.

Oh, right. Yeah, well, I don't...
I don't have one of them.

I've got a fixing kit though,
at home, but my...

- my dad usually does it for me.
- Oh.

I should learn how to do it, really.
Bet there's loads

- of clips on YouTube.
- Yeah, or-or I can teach you.

Well, that'd be good.

Maybe we could go for a drink after.

Yes. I'd like that, yeah.

- I'll give you my number.
- Oh, yeah, do.

- Come here.
- Old school.

It's Gilly with a G.

- Gilly with a G.
- Aw!

Alright then. Cardi with a... with a...

- ..C.
- C.

Well, nice to meet you.

[SQUEALS] Nice to meet you too.
Take care of yourself now.

- See you.
- Bye now.

- Bye.
- Yeah.

See you.

Yeah, and that's just a great way
to meet girls at the park.

- What are you doing?
- What are you doing?

- You're married to my sister, f*cking idiot!
- She's f*cking married to Keith.

I wasn't doing anything. I just said
I could fix your puncture.

- Fix your puncture, all that we know.
- Yeah, the inner tube.

- Don't do it again.
- Don't tell Carol, man.

- She'll castrate me.
- Oh, I'm not gonna tell Carol.

I'm not gonna walk head first
into that viper's nest.

- Show me the phone.
- [MIMICS] "What you been doing?"

- [NORMAL] She'll say.
- Exactly!

[MIMICS CAROL]
What you been doing with Cardi?

- [LAUGHS] Yeah. Show me the video.
- Alright.

Feel the f*cking burn.

[GROANING IN VIDEO]

We're coming for you Benji O'Connor!
[ROARS]

Attractive, isn't he?

I'll take your word for it.

Trust me. You said
you wanted to tap the g*y market

and that guy's your man.

Where there's c*ck, there's brass.

Beautifully put, Dusty.

Find him!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING OVER VIDEO]
OK.

[PHONE RINGING]

Oh, bollocks. Erm...

Davey?

Vincent.

You wanted a little tete-a-tete?

Listen, I need to talk
to you about McCann.

He's been in touch.

- JIM: k*ll the f*cking sheep!
- It stinks. Oh, sorry.

I need you to come in hard.

That swing, it needs to come around
from the shoulder. Poof, poof.

- Right, full swing. OK.
- Anymore notes?

Yeah. If you get too close
to the other bloke's head,

stick your tongue in his earhole,
it's very discombobulating.

Keep your voice down there.
If someone's listening to this,

- they'll be freaked out. [CHUCKLES]
- Who's listening?

Some f*cking old codger at the bar?

I am.

Who the f*ck are you?

Let me introduce myself.

Dusty Glazer.

I manage the best fighters.

I spotted your content online
and thought I'd check you out.

- Very impressive.
- Oh, so y-y-y-you like

- what you see, do you?
- Who are you, his pimp?

Well, yeah, if by pimp you mean
his absolute best friend!

And I'm his f*cking coach.

[LAUGHS]
The lunatic from the videos.

Yeah. [CHUCKLES]

Oi, I've turned him

into someone who's got a chance
of winning this f*cking scrap.

Well, I can turn him into a star.
An online sensation.

He's not f*cking interested. Are you?

Look, this guy was a useful gimmick,
but gimmicks don't last.

I've taken fighters to the top.

And they're pulling in thousands
in promotion and sponsorship deals.

The money's not in the fight purse.

It's in social media.

And do you think this old git
knows anything about that?

Oi! I f*cking know about social media.

Xhamster, f*cking bukkake.

Do you really want this man
representing you?

There's loads of fighters out there,

but you're the one
who's got my attention.

This is a crossroads, Ashley Dennings.

That moment in life
when Lennon met McCartney,

when Morrissey met Marr,
when Harry met Sally...

- Wow.
- Grab it with both hands...

and your life will change.

♪ STEVIE NICKS: Edge of Seventeen ♪

Sorry, Jim.

- ♪ Just like the white-winged dove
- Correct decision.

♪ Sings a song,
sounds like she's singing... ♪

Oh, well, that's just
f*cking wonderful isn't it, eh?

That's a f*cking Judas move,
and it won't be forgotten.

I hope f*cking Benji O'Connor
snaps your f*cking kneecap off!

You alright? You a bit annoyed?

- Oh, you... f*cking hell, dude.
- Vincent.

The f*ck have you come as?
You look like a flasher.

I'm risking my very life having
this chat with you.

I'm sorry.

So, Terence McCann.

I think he knows that
I've had hold of that statue.

That's not the best news, Vincent?

It's terrible news, man.
What's he gonna do?

I don't know.

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

Oi!

- f*ck! No, you d*ck head.
- Chocolate bar?

Can f*cking see that,
but who offers chocolate like that?

- I thought it was a g*n.
- Shhh!

You've a vivid imagination, Vincent.

Yeah, well, listen.
You're not above f*cking hurting me,

or sh**ting me in the f*cking head,
in a park.

You're paranoid, sweetheart.

Besides, I'm more of a "poison in
a bottle of pop" kind of man.

I can't stand the mess.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ RAM JAM: Black Betty ♪

OK, Ashley, if you just wanna
come in and stand here,

- just to get some pictures.
- For the poster, is it?

Poster. Yeah, it's for the poster.

[CAMERA CLICKS]
That's really nice.

You can take the gloves off now.
Just look in my eyes.

- Look in your eyes?
- Yeah.

OK, now, if you just unzip. All off.

Yeah.
[CAMERA CLICKS]

Flex your pecs. Pop hip. Pop, pop.

OK, now turn round. So I can see you.

Yeah. That's beautiful.[CLICKING]

Yeah! Yeah, work it. Work it.
[PHONE CAMERA CLICKING]

♪ Whoa, Black Betty, bam-ba-lam

♪ Black Betty had a child

♪ Bam-ba-lam

♪ The damn thing gone wild...

Right. Round the back. Round the back.

♪ The damn thing gone blind... ♪
[GLASS SHATTERS]

Where's Ash?

CARDI: He said he needed to get
in the zone for his fight.

We need to hurry up, though,
cos I told him we'd be there

before it starts.

I said we'll be there, and we'll
f*cking be there. We have to be.

Listen, were looking for
a pocket watch.

- Spread the f*ck out.
- Is that it?

Is that a pocket watch?
It's a massive clock!

- Yeah.
- Twit.

Woah, will you look at that!

What did I say we were looking for?
Was it a tuna?

Pocket watch!

Go and find the bloody pocket watch.
Spread out!

Vin, I feel bad about
not being there for Ashley, man.

No, look now, that's enough now.
That's enough!

I f*cking said we'll be there,
and we'll be there.

It's less than an hour's drive away.
Go and find that watch.

I know, but I should
be warming up his body.

Find the watch.

Feeding him boiled chicken
and boiled... eggs.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Dennings. Dennings. Dennings.

The crowd are gonna love you.

Yeah.

Cheer up. It's your big night.

I dunno, just like, you know...

..my mates, they said they'd turn up.

Wish me luck,
that sort of thing, you know?

The fight game is a lonely business,
Ashley.

You can only ever
really count on yourself. Hm?

- Yeah.
- And when you win tonight,

you and me are going on
a journey together.

[CHUCKLES]

If I win, that is.

Hey, my fighters don't lose.

Hm?

[OMINOUS STING]
Little helping hand.

- Steroids?
- Nah, that's old school.

This is amphetamine mixed with EPO.

Expensive stuff.

Don't look at it as cheating,

see it as enhancing
your chance of winning.

- Come on. We're going on a journey.
- Yeah. Yeah.

Come on.

♪ Dennings. Dennings. ♪

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

I bet you lot didn't even know
that Atlantic blue fin tuna, right,

can weigh more than a f*cking horse.

Oh, and they can travel
for up to 40 miles per hour?

Not if they're in a f*cking sandwich
they can't. Look for the watch.

Where the f*ck would they hide it?

Oh. And they don't have sex.

- Who, the Ratcliffes?
- No!

- Tuna.
- Oh, my good God.

How about this? If you keep
talking fish-based facts,

I am gonna put a f*cking
tuna in your bum...

- I found it! I found it!
- Hooray!

Come on!

- Yes!
- That's theft!

That is theft!

- DOUGIE: Hello! Who's in there?
- f*ck my arse. -sh*t.

Oh, my God. He's meant to be away!

They're f*cking here, aren't they?
Get upstairs, you!

What, now?
Go and hide. Just you! Just. Jus...

What are you doing?
We need to just look hard.

But with reason.
But with a bit of reason.

Alright, mate.

Who the f*ck are you?
What the f*ck do you want?

- [WHISPERS] f*ck.
- Now, listen.

I think you just put that
little wrencharoo down,

- let's have a chat about this...
- [EXCLAIMS]

Hey, hey, hey.
Alright, alright, alright.

Just, just, just,
just chill it out, man.

You f*cking tattooed twat.
What you doing in my home?

You seem to be quite a nice man,
you've got a middle class thing,

a bit Richard Hammond.

You know f*ck all about me,
or what I'm capable of.

Two moves,
and you're on the f*cking floor.

Alright, I mean let's
not do any ninja stuff now.

Oh, f*cking hell.

Are you alright?

- I'm calling the police.
- I'm not alright.

He f*cked my shin up, dude.

[ROCK MUSIC]

[GROANING]

Go and get him!

Hey! Hey!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah... ♪

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

Get here, you.
Give me that f*cking phone.

No.

I'm f*cking serious!
Give me the f*cking phone.

[GRUNTS]
Oh, f*ck me.

[GROANS]

[DOUGIE THUDS]

[GASPS] What the f*ck's happened?

Vinnie's just k*lled him
with a big fish.

Dude, I didn't k*ll him
with the f*cking fish.

Listen. Listen seriously.

All I did was slam him
against that wall.

It's not load bearing.
[COUGHS]

- Turn him round on his side.
- Son of a b*tch, dude!

- There we go.
- What the f*ck's that meant to be?

- It's the recovery position.
- He looks like he's f*cking the tuna

that nearly k*lled him. Come on.
Let's get the f*ck out of here then.

- You got the watch?
- In my pocket.

- Let's get the f*ck out of here.
- Phone, watch. Phone, watch.

While you're down there...

♪ ..brown paper bag within

♪ I tripped on a cloud

♪ And fell an eight miles high

♪ I tore my mind on a jagged sky

♪ I just dropped in to see what
condition my condition was in... ♪

[OMINOUS MUSIC]
[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

[BLOWS THUDDING]

ASH: f*ck it.

♪ ALT-J: Left Hand Free ♪

- CARDI: Can't this go any faster?
- We're not gonna f*cking make it.

- Course we will!
- Course we will!

- I promise we'll get there.
- I want to be there for Ash, man!

- I wanna to be there for my brother!
- ERIN: You will be!

[FAST TICKING]

[PHONE RINGING]

- It's not f*cking mine.
- Or mine.

- It's not mine.
- Who's is it then?

- Vinnie, it's coming from your pocket.
- Oh, f*ck me!

- Dougie's phone.
- What?

It's Dougie's phone. It's Dougie's
phone.

- f*ck off.
- Chuck it, it's Dougie's.

I pocketed Dougie's phone.

- f*ck, it's Kim!
- It's not good.

That's bad. We need...
Listen, we need to get rid of it.

- The police might trace it.
- Quick. Quick.

Yeah, out your window.
Go on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Right, gone you f*cking...
- Wait, wait, wait!

What?

- What?
- Err...

[READING]
What?

[READING]

What the f*ck? Hang on.

[READING]

What the f*ck?

[READING]

f*ck!

Just a load of text.

Oh my God.
"Shall we call the police now?"

- Oh that's bad.
- sh*t!

f*ck! What we do? What...

- Take it! Take it!
- I don't want it.

- Argh!
- Vinnie, it's about us!

[TYRES SQUEAL]

♪ So alive

♪ Some way up

♪ So tired

♪ Some lay up

♪ I'm a bleeder

♪ Oh, I yearn

♪ High seer

♪ So K up

♪ Hold the phone
[INDISTINCT RING SHOUTING]

♪ Put the call in

♪ Don't go

♪ I'm falling

♪ For a bore

♪ Appalling... ♪

[SHOUTING DROWNS OUT SONG]

[INDISTINCT REF INSTRUCTIONS]

Fight!

[CROWD CLAMOURING]

Get him! Get him!

ERIN: Guys, come on, quick.

VINNIE:
Come on. Get in, get in, get in.

[BLOWS THUDDING]
[GRUNTING]

[CAGE RATTLES]

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

f*cking hell. C'mon, Ashley lad!

Ash! Ash! Ash!

Yeah!

Batter the c**t!

♪ STATUS QUO:
Pictures of Matchstick Men ♪

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

[CHEERING]

Yes! Yes! Yes!

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

REF: Stop, that's enough!

[BELL DINGS] [CHEERING]

[ALL CHEERING]

Champione! Ooh, ooh, ooh!

[LAUGHTER]

What a lad!

You f*cking wasted him!

- Oh, Cardi, Cardi, Cardi.
- Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.

- I didn't know, did I?
- You were amazing.

Honestly, you really were.

You've got his blood
on your hair there.

Now listen, listen. Just listen to me.

I don't want you doing this
for the likes of us. Alright?

We're really
f*cking proud of you anyway.

You should be fighting for you,
you know?

Honestly,
I just wanted to show yous lot

I got a bit more steam
left in the tank.

Well, it is very impressive steam.

- Good start.
- f*ck off.

- Bloody hell.
- Shoulda taken him with a TKO

in the second round,
but we can work on that.

Cheers Dusty, yeah.

Listen, I, uh... I'm not gonna really

- work for you anymore, to be honest.
- Why the f*ck not?

We'll call it a, uh...

..a difference in working styles,
you know?

Well, I want three hundred
for that mix you shot in your leg.

You wouldn't have won if it
weren't for the Dusty c*ck.

I didn't take the Dusty c*ck.
I threw that shite away.

If I'm gonna win,
I wanna win fair and square.

Why'd you take me on
in the first place, Dusty?

Honestly?

Because he said you'd
bring in the pink market.

Did he?

Why do you think
we did all them topless shots?

I cannot believe...

Did-Did they do well online, did they?

f*ck! Do well online?

You're enormous,
and you could've been enormous.

- And now, you're no one.
- No, listen to you.

Oi, Dusty with your shagging c*ck.

Let me tell you about this lad
right here. f*cking "no one".

Shall I tell you who he is to us?
He's our best mate.

And I'll tell you what. You'd do
f*cking well to get a pal like that.

I'm not interested in making pals.

I'm interested in winners,

and this boy could've been a knockout.

A knockout, eh?

That's for getting me fired!

- Run away!
- Run away!

I'll rip your beard off!

[PHONE LINE RINGING]

- KIM: Hello.
- Kim? It's Erin Croft.

Who?

Erin, your waitress.

Oh, yeah. What can I do for you?

I know that you knew my dad was Neil.

He was your gardener...
when he was sober.

Yeah, that's right.

And I know that you got robbed tonight.

♪ GOLDFRAPP: Strict Machine ♪

I see.

You used me, used me as a mark.

- Cheers!
- Cheers!

But you knew if you laid
the crumbs that I'd bite.

It's Captain Hardy's pocket watch.

It was a clever plan, wasn't it?

Well, the Ratcliffes said it's worth
£200,000.

- f*cking hell.
- That's what they insured it for anyway.

Getting your place robbed.

- I found it! I found it! I found it!
- Come on!

- Dougie comes in and interrupts.
- Hello!

Gets tied up.

Whatever you envisaged.
[CHUCKLES]

- I haven't got a clue what you're...
- We know the watch is fake.

See that tiny symbol there?

That is the sign for Incabloc, right?

Shock resistance. But that wasn't
patented until the f*cking 1930s.

I want my f*cking cut.

And if you don't get it?

The watch gets sent to the insurers

with an explanation
of what you planned.

You underestimated me.

Bye.

You're bloody there.

sh*t bag, what are you smiling at?

I used to hate this life sometimes,
when I was back.

Hmm.

And I used to wonder why
you loved it so much...

..but when you pull off a job...

It's just the f*cking best
feeling in the world.

It's the best! So good.

[CHUCKLES]

I've miss you, Brandy Vermouth.

I've missed you.

Christ.

♪ THE PAPER KITES: Arms ♪

♪ What can I give

♪ That is all for you?

♪ My heart's not good

♪ Cos it's split in two

♪ What can I give

♪ That is all for you?

[PHONE DINGS]
♪ These arms are all I have... ♪

[DISTANT SIREN WAILING]

[OMINOUS STING]

f*ck me.

♪ I want you to stay... ♪

- DYLAN: What could possibly go wrong?
- BANG!

♪ Round and around

[CHEERING]
♪ And around and around we go

♪ Oh, now, tell me now
[CHEERING]

♪ Tell me now, tell me now you know

♪ [VOCALISING] ♪

DAVEY: The king is dead, Vincent.

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind

♪ I've got so much trouble in my mind ♪