01x08 - Caesarion

[bunniefuu]

"A fine reward is offered
for the return of a sl*ve woman...

stolen...

or absconded
from the house of Claudius Appius.

The following noblemen
returning from Greece...

have received pardon of
Caesar and must not be harmed.

Publius Servilius Casca...

Marcus Tullius Cicero...

Gaius Cassius Longinus...

and Marcus Julius Brutus.

The traitor Pompey
has fled to Egypt.

Glorious Caesar follows."

Soldier, arms!

Forward!

About face!

Forward march!

Behold Ptolemy.

He of the two ladies.

He of sedge and bee.

Behold Ptolemy.

Son of Ra.

Ptolemy...

the divine.

Greetings.

How long may we hope for
the blessing of your presence?

Not long.

We are desolated.

If His Glorious Honor cares
to divulge His purpose here...

the servants of the
Mighty Lion would be...

ecstatic to help you in...

any way whatsoever.

That is most kind of you.

How goes your preparation for w*r?

w*r?

We have no w*r prepared.

I'm misinformed then.

I was told the sister
of the Mighty Lion...

disputes his right to the throne.

Do not speak of her.

I piss on her!

I sh*t on her!

It is true... our beloved princess
has listened to ill counsel...

and raised some absurd claim.

But...

she has no support.

None but traitors and
barbarians.

What was that name?

Deilogos of Pergamum.

He can raise ten legions.

Deilogos of Pergamum
can raise ten legions for her.

A petty bandit.
I assure you, you have no problem...

no fears at all about Cleopatra.

Where is she?

Oh, God. Nobody knows.

Somewhere in the South,
we believe.

He lies.

They have her.

This dispute between you both
must end.

Rome desires Egypt to be at peace.

Your grain ships must keep sailing.

We are in absolute control
of the country...

from the lighthouse to the cataracts.

Good, in that case
you should have no trouble...

in handing over Pompey Magnus.

I do not like his tone.

He can go.

Master...

do you remember
what we spoke of before?

Of crocodile and fox?

Let us show him our surprise!

All right, go on.

Show him.

We have a gift for you,
Glorious Excellency...

that we think you will
be very pleased with.

We were going to make him a body,
and moving arms and legs...

and do a mime show
with real animals and everything...

Silence!

Shame on the house of Ptolemies
for such barbarity. Shame.

But...

you are enemies.

He was a consul of Rome!

A consul of Rome.

To die in this sordid way?

Quartered like some low thief?

Shame!

Where is the rest of him?

He has been cremated...

with all proper funeral rites,
of course.

With all decorum.

I shall return tomorrow...

at which time...

you will give me the man
that took Pompey's life.

[Latin]

[Latin]

[Latin]

Captain says the wind is fair.

- Good.
- We can leave...

whenever you like.

You will take half the men,
return to Rome immediately.

You shall have the honor
of announcing Pompey's death.

I shall follow you...

when I've settled things here.

Settled things?

Settled what things?

Civil w*r is in the air.

It must be prevented.

Why?

Let the wretches fight it out.

w*r will disrupt the grain supply.

Without Egyptian grain,
Rome goes hungry.

It would be...

unwise not to intervene.

And how will you intervene
with only half a legion?

I do not intend to fight.

I shall merely arbitrate
the various factions.

You make it sound so easy.

Those various factions are united
only by their hatred of Rome.

He's right.

Ptolemy might use you...

to rouse the people
against a common enemy.

I have conquered Gaul.

I have defeated Pompey Magnus.

I think I can handle
a small boy and a eunuch.

A small boy with
a hundred thousand men.

I am aware of that!

He's still a boy nonetheless.

You seem to forget
that our w*r is not over yet.

Cato and Scipio
are still at large.

Given time, they will
raise another army.

And when they do,
I shall crush them.

I'm glad you're so confident.

Some would call it hubris.

It's only hubris if I fail.

Remember she is a princess
of ancient blood.

When you find her, you will treat her
with the utmost respect.

You must obey her in all things,
within reason.

Understood, sir.

I'm counting on you, Vorenus.

You have something to say?

Regarding Pompey Magnus,
sir, I wish to apologize.

It was my actions
that brought him here to this end.

- If I had done my duty...
- Indeed.

Dismissed.

Pompey's m*rder*r.

Alas, he has run away.

Find him.

In the meantime...

these instruments...

tabulate the money
that was borrowed...

by His Majesty's illustrious father,
Ptolemy Twelve.

In the name of the Republic,
I have come to collect.

Seventeen thousand thousand drachma.

Seventeen?

Absurd!

Four, perhaps.

The tabulation includes all monies...

borrowed from Pompey
and other agents of the Republic...

now unable to collect.

That is not just!

Post-mortem interests
of this type are legally entailed...

to the presiding consul, i.e.

Gaius Julius Caesar.

It's law.

Roman law.

Is there some other form of law...

you wretched woman?

One thousand apologies.

Forgive us.

There!

There's for your payment.

So sorry...

His Majesty forgets
he's a vassal to Rome.

Vassal?

Vassal? I am no vassal!

I am king!

- I am...
- Sit down!

Thank you.

When can I expect payment?

Your Honor, we have little enough
ready coin for our own needs.

Our tax farmers have not been working
as they should because...

Because?

Cleopatra's foolishness
has stirred unrest in some parts.

Nothing serious.

I do not wish to appear unreasonable.

I will accept
ten thousand thousand drachma.

Even that amount
will take many days to collect.

In that case, I shall have
ample time to adjudicate...

your dispute with
Princess Cleopatra.

Excellent notion.

But alas, who knows where
Princess Cleopatra is?

Do not worry about that.
I shall find her.

Blood and fire!

It's as hot as Vulcan's d*ck!

What a dump!

Gyppo gods must be right wasters
to make a place like this.

Don't speak ill of the gods
in their own country.

Gerrae.

I've seen their gods.

Titus Pullo isn't scared of
any b*stard with a dog's head on him.

More fool you.

These gods are old and powerful.

Egypt was a great nation
long before Rome.

Was it?

Mumped it up now,
then, haven't they?

Why are we here, anyhow?

Waiting.

Yeah, I know we're waiting,
but for who?

I'll know when I see them.

Be like that.

"Vassal," he says!

Barbarian scum!

It's simple extortion.

If we do not pay him,
he will put Cleopatra on the throne.

If...

If he could find her.

He is a resourceful man.

He will find her.

She should have died
when we first caught her.

Now it must be done.

She must die.

I agree.

My men could be with her
by nightfall.

Tell him wait.

Cleopatra?

Queen Majesty?

Hutto asks to speak with you.

Slap me.

- Night or day?
- Night.

He may enter.

Majesty...

fresh word has come
from Alexandria.

Speak, worm!

I am most deeply sorry to say...

Majesty must...

prepare Herself
for Her journey to the afterlife.

When?

Now.

Say your words.

[Egyptian]

Hello, ladies.

Attack Caesar?

Are you serious?

Why not?

He only has
a few hundred men with him.

How many men could you rally?

You would be the liberator of Egypt.

Your name would live forever.

My mortal flesh
should be less fortunate.

Rome does not forget an injury.

Forget Rome!

Rome is doomed.

Her people tear at their flesh
like mad dogs.

In ten years, the city
will be a forgotten ruin.

Maybe so,
but what of next year?

Perhaps you're right.

Ergo, caution is best, yes.

Perhaps...

you don't have enough influence
among the people.

Caesar has so few men.

I could raise the whole city
with a word.

Think on it.

Do you think I could borrow Septimius
for a little while?

I'd be most grateful.

Of course.

Messenger from Ptolemy Thirteen
begs entry, sir.

"Ptolemy the Water Bringer,
he of the two ladies...

he of sedge and bee,
king of kings, son of Ra...

informs His Most Grand Honor,
et cetera...

that him who bears this message
is him that k*lled Pompey."

He's handsome enough.

Good, strong chin.

Looks like a mean old man to me.

More.

Divinity's mortal
flesh turns green.

Give it here.

She will look like a reptile
when she arrives at Alexandria.

Weak, I call it.

Weak, am I?

She knows how to beat
her sl*ves well enough...

but she cannot throw
away that pipe...

- and she knows it.
- Insolent dwarf.

You know nothing.

Throw it out.

Throw...
it out.

Weak, am I?

That Gyppo princess
now that's good cunny.

Her father's people
rode with Alexander.

You can't speak
of her like that.

She is, though.

And she wants me badly.

Should've seen her
when I done that Nubian.

Wet as October!

Pullo, look at me.

She is a princess
of royal blood.

You touch her, you die.

I'm not stupid.

I'm just saying she wants me.

Lovely. Lovely!

Nothing like cold, stinking sweat
to seduce a man.

Caesar will think himself
on Olympus with Aphrodite.

Hush, piglet!

What do you know of seduction?

As long as Caesar is a man...

I will have him.

She seems very sure of herself.

I have him...

or I die.

So I will have him.

May it be so, !sis.

I only wish he were here today.

My womb is between the flood.

A child would come
as sure as spring.

Come.

You, come.

So red!

Your Highness, how can I
be of service?

Leather. Olives. Not so bad.

He will do.

Majesty commands you will enter her.

I do not understand.

You have coitus with her.

You have it wrong.
Coitus means to make babies.

Exact! So...

make babies.

Don't be scared.

I'm not scared...

I just cannot do what you ask!

It is not...
It is not in our custom.

Roman men are not
used by women in this way.

Come,
you will enjoy it.

My queen is an excellent lover.

What is he waiting for?

He must do as he is told!

- Let me give you a hand.
- Get off!

I must ask forgiveness
of Your Majesty...

but I cannot comply!

I am no sl*ve to
be commanded so!

- With all respect.
- He refuses?

This...

insect... refuses me?

You dare refuse
the daughter of a sun god?

Pullo!
Report immediately...

to Princess Cleopatra
and do as she says!

You heard!

- What's going on?
- Just go.

Legionary Titus Pullo
reporting for duty, ma'am.

Gods, that was something...

- I can tell you.
- I don't want to know.

If you value your life,
you won't speak of it again.

Why?

I was only obeying orders.
Bloody good orders, too.

What do you think Caesar will do
if he hears of it?

I'm not stupid.

I promised the princess.

I shall not speak of it.

You can't keep a secret
to save your life.

You've got a mouth like a drain.

Princess Cleopatra, sir.

Daughter of the two rams
mistress of sedge and bee!

Well done, Majesty.

Thank you.

Is something wrong,
little husband?

How funny you look
in father's chair.

I never wanted to harm you.

Of course you did not.

It was your gelding
led you astray, no doubt.

- Mistress...
- It must not speak.

It must die!

It was him...

Not me.

He led him astray.

Not me.

It was him!

Get in formation!

And you, Pullo.

Calpurnia...

She's your third wife?

She is.

Has she given you a son?

She has not.

How sad.

A man without sons
is a man without a future.

I never thought of it that way.

Sad.

Never mind.

Have you secured
the upriver ports?

You must do so immediately.

Whoever controls the ports
controls Egypt.

Good advice, no doubt...

- if I wanted to control Egypt.
- Of course you do.

Why else are you here?

And why save me
so heroically from death...

if not to use me...

as your puppet queen?

Do you dislike the notion?

My wishes are immaterial.

You redeemed me from captivity.

I am...

your sl*ve.

Testudo!

- Are you well?
- Well enough.

But I do not sleep.

I write very bad poetry
through the night...

and in the morning
I give it to the cook...

to stoke the kitchen fire.
It's a form of magic.

My ill conscience
is transformed into...

roast birds and pastries.

You should have no ill conscience.

We only did what we had to do.

No doubt Saturn said something
of the sort...

after eating his children.

The question is...

If Caesar does not return from Egypt?

Caesar has escaped tighter traps
than this.

He has been besieged in Alexandria
the better part of a year.

Perhaps his luck has run out.

What fools we shall look...

if we have kissed
the feet of a dead man.

With Caesar dead,
that b*stard Marc Antony...

will be unleashed
to do as he wants.

Very likely,
but it isn't a concern of mine.

I am done with politics.

Self-pity is all very well.

I'm not unashamed myself.

But we are still senators.

We have responsibilities.

I remind you we swore an oath...

- of loyalty.
- To Caesar...

not to Antony.

Cato and Scipio have raised an army
in Numidia.

If we were to communicate with them,
we might...

- we might...
- If it isn't Cicero?

How strange!

I was just now thinking of you.

I've received some happy news and...

my first thought
was to come and tell you two.

And here you are.

What a coincidence!

It's amusing
how often that happens, right?

So I was walking across the forum...

and thinking of
this particular woman...

who should arrive
right in front of me but...

the thing herself.

Savage little Spanish creature.

Hair down to her a*s.

Everyone misjudges me, you know.

I'm a merciful man.

I know that's not
my reputation, but...

I am.

Now, everyone's entitled to
a few mistakes.

Gods know,
I made one or two myself.

I've done things...

things I'm...

I'm ashamed to think of.

We are, all of us,
imperfect in our way.

Exactly.

We are, all of us, imperfect.

Give me your hands, brother Cicero.

With all my heart...

I forgive you.

I don't know what you mean.

Nothing escapes me.

If a pigeon dies on the Aventine,
I hear of it.

So be assured, brother
if I ever, again

hear your name
connected...

with murmurs of treachery...

I will cut off...

these soft...

pink hands...

and nail them to the Senate door.

Antony?

You said you had happy news
to tell us.

Yes.

Of course.

A courier came from Alexandria.

Caesar has lifted the siege
and massacred the armies of Ptolemy.

He is safe and sound...

and master of all Egypt.

A man is a damn prodigy.

Atten-hut!

Hail Caesar!

Hail Caesar!

Hail Caesar!