01x00 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

POUNDING ELECTRO MUSIC

Warm

Leatherette

Warm

Leatherette

Warm

Leatherette

Warm

Leatherette. ♪

Excuse me?

Are you thinking of

buying that sofa? Um

How much is it?

That's £1,350.

I'll think about it.

Warm

Leatherette

Warm

Leatherette. ♪

DRIER BLOWS

See the breaking glass

In the underpass

See the breaking glass

In the underpass

Warm

Leatherette

Warm. ♪

Oh, sh*t the bed!

Square or squoval?

Um, squoval, please, Shola.

I need cheering up.

What color?

Sexual shenanigans, as usual.

I'm afraid we're out of that

particular shade, baby. Hmm.

I'll go for minty pig then, please.

MANDY SIGHS

What's the matter, honey?

You don't look like

your normally bubbly self.

There's a sofa I want.

I can't stop thinking about it.

VOICE BREAKS: Honestly,

it's making me ill.

Yeah.

This is it.

SHOLA CHEWS

CHEWING STOPS ABRUPTLY

That is the most beautiful

sofa I have ever seen.

But it looks expensive. It is.

Look at it, though.

Reminds me of the one Mike Baldwin

used to have in his flat.

You deserve it. I can't afford it.

I'll tell you, Shola,

this country

The price of Mach 3 razors

are enough to make you emigrate.

Come on. Where are we going?

Furniture World.

Warm

Leatherette. ♪

It's so soft.

Like a leather cloud.

If anyone comes out,

you distract them. How?

Just fall over or something.

HE CLEARS HIS THROA

SHOLA THUDS

Cushions come free with it.

You get these three.

The red one? We can throw that in.

Yeah. Have it.

So, I'll just

I'll just go draw up the paperwork.

I really like it.

It's nice, this, in't it?

Yes. This used to be mine.

Sorry?

Bought it last week, but I had

to return it cos of the bedbugs.

Had to burn most of my furniture.

It was the only way to

get rid of the buggers.

They gave me a refund on this,

though, which is lucky.

Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure most of them

dropped off in the delivery van.

OK. So, the good news is,

we can deliver on

OMINOUS MUSIC

PITCH HEIGHTENS

Warm

Leatherette

Warm. ♪

It's like she's back from the dead.

Thanks, love.

She really did live her life

like a candle in the winds.

I know.

SNIFFLES

PHONE BUZZES

Hello?

Patrick?

Oh, from LookieLikes!

What do you mean, you don't get

much call for Princess Di anymore?

I'm ready to go here.

Well, what am I supposed to do now?

I need the money.

Oh, that's not a bad idea.

We need you to finish the medical

trial, otherwise you won't be paid.

Also, do make sure

you sign the consent form,

as we cannot be held responsible for

any unforeseen adverse side effects,

such as disorientation, nausea

or massive swelling

on the face and head.

Look, I know there's risks,

but if it means I can save

just one little baby's life,

then it'll all have been worth it.

This is actually for halitosis.

Oh.

Still get paid, though, right?

Yeah.

MACHINE BLEEPS

PHONE BUZZES

Talk to me, Patrick.

No way!

Thought you said

there was no call for Lady Di.

Oh, right.

Well, sorry, Patrick, I can't.

I've already started

this medical trial thing.

No, I have to stay here.

I can't. I'm full of tubes.

This is worth £500.

All right, make it 800,

you've got yourself a deal.

Right, 750, you're on.

Warm

Leatherette

Warm

Leatherette

Warm. ♪

MUSIC: Heart And Soul by T'Pau

Jesus Christ!

What the f? It's all right.

I'm not Lady Di.

I just look like her.

CHATTER DIES

Is this a joke? What do you mean?

I'm from LookieLikes.

They told me you wanted a Lady Di.

You look nothing like her.

You're a mess.

You cheeky cow! Who are you meant

to be? Carol Decker from T'Pau.

You look nothing like Carol Decker

from T'Pau.

I AM Carol Decker from T'Pau.

Oh, f*ck off.

I'm going to have to ask you

to leave. Don't worry, I'm going.

Do you mind if I use

your lav before I go?

CAROL SIGHS Upstairs. Thanks.

CHATTER RESUMES

Don't push too far ♪

Oh, my God!

..China in your hand ♪

Still a bit puffed up.

Aw, poor darling. Mm.

I always wanted to meet

Carol Decker from T'Pau.

Never meet your heroes, Shola.

She had a nice toilet, though.

I'll give her that.

Heated seat and everything.

Must be from the China In Your Hand

royalties. Mm.

What happened to your neck?

Whiplash.

Someone slammed

into the back of my car.

Will you be all right? Oh, yeah. I'm

just waiting for the compensation.

The what?

Compensation.

Where there's a blame,

there's a claim.

How much are you getting?

£2,000.

Two grand?!

Mm. Yeah, it's almost worth

nearly getting my head smashed off.

Good times for a change

See, the luck I've had

can make a good man turn bad

So please, please, please

Let me, let me, let me

Let me get what I want this time

Haven't had a dream in a long time

See, the life I've had

can make a good man bad

So, for once in my life

Let me get what I want

Lord knows,

it would be the first time

Lord knows, it would

be the first time ♪

MUSIC CONTINUES

Nothing's worked, Shola.

I'm at a low ebb.

There's one more thing I could try.

What do desperate people do?

You don't mean?

I'm going to have

to go on a teatime quiz show.

Oh, my God - Pointless.

I'm not going on Pointless!

That Richard Osman

creeps me out. Hm.

No, I'll go on Impossible.

I don't know this Impossible.

Rick Edwards hosts it.

Who is Rick Edwards? Rick Edwards.

Looks like a mannequin.

No.

Warm

Leatherette

Warm

Leatherette. ♪

Hiya. Hello.

It's Mandy. Uh-huh.

Going on the show.

Oh, great. Good luck.

Oh, no. Can I come in?

I've got a favour to ask.

No, I don't really I don't really

speak to people before the

Someone's coming. What?

Ooh, you've got great Do not sit.

Great. Sit down.

Yeah, make yourself at home.

Are they seedless?

Well, you tell me. Are they?

No, they're not.

I can't have ordinary people

in here. It's unsettling.

Can you just leave?

I need you to help me out.

What do you mean? On the show.

As in, give you the answers? Bingo.

I can't do that. Fine.

And what now?

I'm taking a picture. A selfie?

No, to prove I was in

your dressing room. Why?

#MeToo. You're

trying to blackmail me?

Yeah. No.

SHE GRUNTS CAMERA CLICKS

There you go.

Look, I can't

I can't give you the answers.

I can show you the subject areas.

Oh, right.

IMPOSSIBLE THEME PLAYS ON TV

Well, Mandy, you have had an unusual

run of topics, haven't you?

World's Strongest Man, the films

of Burt Reynolds, crystal healing.

And you've made it to play

the £10,000 question.

How are you feeling?

Bit nervous, you know.

Yeah? Yeah.

Really sweating under my arms.

Yeah, I was going to say.

Any weak areas in

your general knowledge?

Areas you'd like to avoid?

I'm no good at geography, Edward.

OK.

OK. Well, hopefully, that won't

Or sport, politics Mm-hm.

Films, books,

music, science or classic cars. Hm.

A few holes.

Hopefully we will avoid those.

Here come your nine answers.

Consulate Longsize, Inky Thyroids,

Bisto Gravy Granules,

Baader-Meinhofs,

Gallagher's Park Drive,

Lucky Strike, Camel,

White Horse Filter and Chesterfield.

And you're looking for

British cigarette brands

of the 1970s

and your time starts now.

Consulate Longsize, Gallagher's

Park Drive, White Horse filter.

That was quick.

Did it fall kindly for your? Pardon?

Did it fall kindly for you? I don't know what

that means, Edward. Was it a good question?

Do you think you know the answers?

I think

I think I know the answers, yeah.

That's lucky, isn't it?

There's a lot of things

you didn't know about,

but this has come up. All right.

Let's see if you're right.

You said Consulate Longsize first.

Yeah, it's right.

Then you said

Gallagher's Park Drive.

Also right.

For £10,000, is White Horse

Filter the right answer?

Yes.

What a surprise. It is right.

Well done, Mandy. Thank you.

You've been an extraordinary

player. You've just won £10,000.

Tra la la ♪

So, Mandy leaves us with £10,000.

Join me again tomorrow for another

episode of Impossible. Goodbye.

Tra la la, tra la la

I'm so happy that I could cry

Tra la la, tra la la

You're as cute as a movie star

Tra la la, tra la lo

I'd be crazy to let you go

Tra la la, tra la lou

All my loving is just for you

Tra la la, tra la la

Oh, I want to whistle

But I don't know how

So I'm singing

Tra la la, tra la la

I love you just the way you are

Tra la la, tra la lee

I'm as happy as I can be. ♪