01x05 - Meat

[bunniefuu]

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking

♪ But I sent you away

♪ Oh, Mandy

♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking

♪ And I need you today

♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪

I really can't understand
the demonization of pigeons.

I think they're nice.

And they really helped us out
during the w*r,

you know, delivering messages
and stuff.

They're really intelligent.

You're not meant to smoke in here.

Am I not? Well, of course not.
They're bad for your health.

First I've heard of it.

Fake news.

Smoking will knock 15 years
off your life.



That means I'll be dead by...

Well, the most important thing...
Hang on. Nearly there.



That's terrible. World's Strongest
Man is coming to Gateshead in 2030

I can't miss that.

Well, stop smoking, eat healthy food
and stay active

and there's no reason
you couldn't go to Gateshead.

What do you mean, eat healthy?

Well, do you have your five portions
of fruit and veg? Yes, done that.

What do you mean, you've done it?

Well, I had a banana
in the early '80s,

had some broccoli in 1984.



That were actually quite nice
so I had another in 1993.

And on 9/11, I had a toffee apple,

just to cheer meself up.

No, you've
fundamentally misunderstood

the concept of five a day.

A day?! You're joking?!
Who's got time for that?

Look, if you want to go
to Gateshead,

you're going to have to make
some changes.

I need to get to Gateshead.
What do I need to do? Tell me.

Eat healthy food...

..get some exercise

and there are various things
you can do to stop smoking.

Patches, gums, hypnotherapy.

But I'm going to give you
a prescription

for some pills to help you

because your uterus really
should not be mustard yellow.

What colour should it be?

Well, pink, obviously.

Who knew?

Oh, look at you
in your new tracksuit.

This is the new me, Lola.

I'm going to exercise, eat better
and I'm giving up smoking

cos me uterus
has gone mustard yellow.

What colour is it supposed to be?
Pink, apparently.

How's the nicotine cravings? Fine.

Every time I fancy a f*g,
just take some of these.

Good for you.

To be honest, Lola, it's
the exercise that's k*lling me.

I've tried running
and it's an absolute shithouse.

Why not get a dog?
I had a friend who was 18 stone.

She got a dog, walked it every day,

and now she's only


I can't afford one.
Otherwise, you know me, Lola,

I'd have a Dobermann Pinscher
like that.

You could walk other people's dogs.

That's a great idea.

Eat Y'self Fitter by The Fall

He's a big dog, in't he?

Yeah.

He's a good boy, Max.

He's been such a comfort
since my wife died.

Well, he's all...
Can I walk him or what?

Well, actually...

..it's my turn to host the widowers'
support group this evening

so, yeah, you could take him
for a walk for a couple of hours.

Great.

He always tries to hump Keith's leg,
which is a bit distressing for him,

so, erm...

Anyhow, I'm at 12 Lavender Lane.

Right. I promise not to hurt him.

Great.

Come round about 5:30!

All right. Yeah, yeah...

Hey, great tip
about the dog walking, Lola.

I've got the healthy eating sorted,
too.

That's my girl.

I'm going to do vegetable smoothies.

Only that sounds a bit dull,
dun't it,

so I'm going to throw in some meat
as well, ease meself in.

Oh, excuse me,

your bag, it's dripping blood
all over my Yellow Pages.

Oh, it'll wipe off.

Well, it's everywhere.
Please, could you move it?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

All right, all right!

Is this what you want? This?
Do you want me to remove it for you?

What are you looking for, hm?

A plumber?
Looking for a plumber, were you?

You're not going to find him now,
are you, eh?!

Find him now!

Find your little plumber.

Oh, Yellow Pages.
Looking at the Yellow Pages.

Oooh!

Look what you made me do.

I don't know what came over me,
Lola.

A red mist came up
and I just blacked out.

Let me have a look at those pills.

"Side effects include increased
appetite, sleeplessness and..."

Yes, "violent mood swings"!

Mandy, you cannot eat these pills.
What am I going to do, Lola?

I need to stop smoking
or I'll not live

to see the Strongman competition.

You should try hypnotherapy.

Where am I going to
find one of those?

Yellow Pages.

Let your fingers do the walking.

Oh, H is covered in blood.

I know.

♪ Eat y'self fitter?
Eat y'self fitter! ♪

Yeah, I'm not really
that kind of hypnotist.

I'm more a make you dance
like Rod Stewart

to "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"
kind of hypnotist.

Oh, go on. I'll give you 20 quid.

And whatever this is.

Yeah, all right, I'll give it a go.

Smoking, is it?

Yeah.

Given up smoking, me.
I've been hypnotised not to.

I'm really enjoying it.

Don't miss it at all.

Not at all.

No, if I get a craving,

I'll just have, like,
a healthy smoothie or something.

And if that doesn't hit the spot,
I'll just throw some meat in,

give it a bit of oomph.

Yeah, I got all this
from the butcher for a fiver

cos he said it were going off.

Most of it's still quite pink.

That's the colour
I'd like my lungs to be.

And my uterus...

...eventually.

Anyway, what time is it?

Oh, bloody hell, I can't sit here
gassing with you all day!

I've got to walk that bloke's dog.

Hiya. I've come for Max.

Of course.

Max.

Max!

Come here, boy.
Come here, then.

Erm, these are his treats.

Make sure he doesn't have
more than three,

but don't let him have
less than one.

These are his, erm, poo bags.

This is a coat for him
in case it rains.

And this is a little hat for him
in case it's sunny.

Yeah...

Bye-bye, Max. Bye-bye.

Love you, Max.

Love you so, so much.

I'll miss you, my little sausage.
Yes.

Love you, Max. You'll be back
with Daddy soon. Yes, yes, yes.

Love you. Love you. Love you, Max.

Yes, you will. Yes.

Love you. Love you so much.
Love you.

You'll take good care of him,
won't you? Yeah, I won't hurt it.

Come on.

Max, slow down!

Eat Y'self Fitter
by The Fall

♪ Heifer whines

♪ Could be human cries

♪ Closer comes

♪ The screaming knife... ♪

Oh, God.

♪ This beautiful creature
must die... ♪

Oh, God!

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God! Oh, sweet Jesus,
what have I done?

Since she's gone,

I've...I've been living
on boiled eggs.

I don't even know
how to work the oven.

One silly little thing I've done

to, erm, to keep her memory alive

is I've changed the ringtone
on my phone

to her favourite song.

A bit silly, really.

It's funny, Keith not turning up.

Not like him at all.

Maybe that's him.

Excuse me.

I've got some terrible news.

What is it?

Where's Max?

He's dead.

I think I've eaten him.

What do you mean?

I've been taking these pills.

They've turned me into a monster.

I tore Max limb from limb. No.

No, not...not Max as well.

I have these mood swings,
these blackouts.

One of the side-effects
is increased appetite.

So...

..I've ripped your dog to shreds
and eaten him.

I scraped up what's left of him.

Oh, God.

I was supposed to be eating healthy
and all, so it's bad for me as well.

On the plus side, the hypnotism
I've been doing must have worked

because I haven't felt like a f*g
in the last half-hour.

♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy

♪ Come on, sugar, let me know

♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me

♪ Come on, honey, tell me so

Do You Think I'm Sexy?
by Rod Stewart

♪ He's acting shy,
looking for an answer

♪ Come on, honey,
let's spend the night together

♪ Now hold on a minute
before we go much further

♪ Give me a dime
so I can phone my mother

♪ They catch a cab
to his high-rise apartment

♪ At last he can tell her
exactly what his heart meant

♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy

♪ Come on, honey, tell me so

♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me

♪ Come on, sugar, let me know... ♪