American Burger (2014)

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um

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don't say you use americans yes but it's delicious go filming

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[Music] filming with filming

here at american burger it all starts with fresh produce

we only use a hundred percent american meat in our handbook [Applause]

action yes hello uh today i will show you how to

make a delicious note

short break everybody

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myself [Music]

uh [Music]

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so [Music]

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if you're still here [Music]

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she's my favorite i am so glad my parents insisted i go to europe this summer mine too

they insisted i go as well this is gonna be the best summer ever best summer

ever [Music]

is a country full of history if you all look in your travel companion as you can

see there we're making a brief stop at the main industry of crackage which is

anyone the main exporter package written in the brochure

oh that's a good one hey nerds

me can i please be in your [ __ ] scrapbook

sure

[Music]

[Music] not such a good one

no no [Music] hey can i ask you something

anything is that crack a little overly hairy except that

seriously that is a hairy crack isn't it i don't want to talk about cracks you're not that hairy are you stop talking

about hairy cracks i had a stalker i like totally he was an old pervert as

well like oh lag 30 struck me like them all my god

the creep was like staring at me like totally following me around like like totally it was like meredith stuff

oh my god the alien of the country is just

about what is she talking about who cares everyone hooks up in europe everyone

yeah bring on the ladies best summer ever yeah

look kids your parents and the school for that matter paid quite a lot of money for you to go on this wonderful

european that's all you got to do though do the whole routine as slowly as you can don't jerk it

trust that's what you got to do to get k*ller pecs i don't know i like jerking it

i like jerking it too i used to jerk it all the time but do i or do i not k*ll her picks he does have k*ller pegs man

phil

dude your pecs are hard as [ __ ] gotta do the whole routine slowly slowly lift and

slowly bring him down he was like i'm just doing my job wait let me get this straight you got the security guard fire

of course what security guard he was like herving or maybe he was suspecting of

shoplifting and just doing his job [Music]

someone had eggs this morning because i really wanted this like totally cool earth thing it was like totally

expensive i love bear where'd your fur even come from why is it so expensive put on a

scale from from one to ten this as being attempt what are you please stop i'm maybe a two

god please stop i know that's only if you sort of count the in between bit stop talking

i don't know why i have to sit next to you all the time as you can see there the last page of the itinerary

first up is a spot of [Applause]

lunch okay everyone lunch

they stay in a freaking restaurant are we in the right place gps says this is it ma'am

okay when in rome are we in rome

oh the school system has failed you [Music]

we should join in i think yeah but do you know what we should really do what join in you think earlier

touch football is the horse play horse play leads to tomfoolery which

leads to cuddling cuddling leads to hot cocoa by the fireplace

which leads to oral sex man everyone knows that touch for police

oral sex yeah man in [ __ ] europe it does oh you're totally right man in [ __ ] europe it does of course i'm

right you gotta show your every bit as macho there's those jokes yeah you gotta show

you can compete i'm in

[Music] how do you like my ball skills [Music]

[Music] what the [ __ ] nerd what the [ __ ]

that went well as good as could be expected although it does seem to be some sort of

unspoken rule not to tackle girls yeah [ __ ] typical totally in line with my life until this point right now

what did i expect i'm a little confused how does that lead to oral sex oh shut up

we are americans isn't this all very great

me hungry [Music] me

want food what you have we have american

burger great good um i guess

say i am eating gourmet european [Music]

food hi i'm vegetarian do you have any chicken

burgers no chicken only miracles [Music]

what kind of meat is that burger

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hmm [Music]

what

in crackage they manufacture and distribute american burgers

we're making a stop at the actual factory [Applause]

okay everyone we're here

driver are you sure this is it gps says we're there

oh quaint i need to go to the latest room hold it

in i need to know like totally part of my nose

you know what's happening here europe looks nothing like in the bond

movies she's going to powder her nose and that's what she said yeah that means she needs to piss dude

think you really need to piss keep thinking

we can go and watch her piss

okay gather up everyone

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this doesn't feel totally right it's europe people and it's like

art and stuff over here watching a girl pee to a european is like watching a woody allen movie to us

to annie hall or something

and here i am all right yes

can you see

[Music]

oh yes

greetings and welcome my little american friends how very nice to see you here okay let's

start this and see what we got we got good we got good very good it's pretty good what do we have to work with here

is pretty good bit skinny good and here

we got the jackpot what is this

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jesus she's not she what the [ __ ] is she doing

who lays a deuce in the woods he's captivating

like a sexy soft chocolate ice cream machine

i'm gonna be sick

welcome to american burger slaughterhouse factory factories

so this is where we make juicy american bulwark

so [Music]

[ __ ] you you [ __ ] god

yes so american burger tour will commence shortly try to relax and have a good

time okay okay yes excuse me

do we follow you no no no no you stay they will uh come for you shortly

bye bye my little american friends

there's something wrong with this place

oh [Applause] [Music]

finally here they come are you here to show us around

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[Music] ah

i once saw this video

i'm just carrying my nose

that totally an accident look seriously we gotta go

just listen okay there are K*llers in the woods are you watching me piss we gotta

piss no we watch you take a [ __ ] oh look i'm sorry but

why does she keep hitting us

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[Applause] [Music]

what's ah [Music]

[Music] um

our friend mike is dead mike yeah mike which one is mike mike he

lives next door to you he went to the same [ __ ] kindergarten his mom used to babysit you

calm down it doesn't matter no mike sat next to you in algebra for like oh i know the last five years he did

your [ __ ] homework he saved you from drowning when you fell off a bridge he donated bone marrow to your little

sister just dropped hey all you nurse look alike he's fat nerd

you're prep nerd there's nerd who always has the camera and then this mike

his name is mike it's glandular i was gonna say freaky eyes nerd he's dead

freaky eyes nerd is dead and dead oh my god

i like totally liked him oh for [ __ ] sake

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i'm going back to the class no you cannot go back to the class we got to go this general direction come on just

sorry did it sound like a question look you're gonna lose your [ __ ]

stay with me and you'll be safe [Music]

ah [Music]

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hello [Music]

anybody there [Music]

i'm the head freaking cheerleader

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um

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who are you i'm an american i'm an american [Music]

have you come to rescue me uh no i'm a teacher

my class has been attacked and i ended up here i'm a teacher too my class was attacked as well we're going to visit

the american burger facility us too i've been here two weeks i've been

living on ferrets you think you think out of the box and yet

someone else from a similar background and i assume similar education faced with the same

problem and ended up in the same place fascinating we could write a thesis on

free will versus animal instincts

you weren't full of hell were you you may have been followed

i'm

[Music] okay we gotta be careful they've laid traps you think oh man

help me nerds

wow

don't touch me do not touch me

hello [Music]

i hate nature

okay okay okay okay okay

i don't know what to do think of something nerds

you're supposed to be super smart aren't you isn't that how it works you compensate for your many shortcomings by

being like super smart so if i can think of something

where are you going to wash your hands oh god that's what you're thinking right now i was so [ __ ] dead

oh i got this offensive the pen is mightier than the

sword actually they mean the written word can have more of an impact in history than warfare a little pencil

isn't actually mightier than these guys butchers you guys are the dumbest nerds i have ever seen

hey [Music]

at least it was only number one you know it's not as bad as

i don't want to talk about it hey you know no no no let's listen listen man seriously this time there's

no need to be so freaked out because you know uh pee it's sterile

yeah and you can't even drink it it's clean

drink it i said i drank it

nah but seriously i didn't know

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this is very difficult i think we're okay for a moment

we need to have a little talk okay what's up man what's the plan all i know is we're gonna be fine

oh yeah we're a great group of people there's

no one i'd rather be with the worst is over yeah i believe in us

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who am i kidding we're all gonna die we're dead it's crawling with psycho K*llers we are so dead we're so [ __ ]

dead did i say that out loud

[Music] hello [Music]

we're like scooby-doo we're like what listen maybe we're just a perfect g*ng to survive a thing like this i mean we

have the really athletic star quarterback i'm this socially awkward nerd member of mensah

and now we have the idiot jack you don't even know any fear no fear and

have you it's like nice

what i'm saying is that we are like the scuba again all with our unique talents [Music]

the little strange nerd is right we are the scooby g*ng [Music]

let's do a scooby cheers

[Music] what his idea not mine no keep thinking

did you ever see that marvelous film by danny boyle starring james franco about a mounting climber shut up nerd keep

thinking

think nerds help me excuse us

got any ideas nope you no

she's [ __ ] we can do this guys we're americans

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so we can't move her because she's changing the ground we can't open the trap because he's like really stuck but

we can't stay here because it's really [ __ ] scary and we can't leave her because that's just plain wrong oh god

in a minute jeez women huh

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[Music] what the freaking hell

[Music] what the [ __ ]

did she just know her own

that legos so [ __ ] disgusting

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where the [ __ ] the rest of her man [ __ ] this dude i'm out of here [Music]

i touched a dead body i touched the dead body it's one of them not us okay not us

don't don't freak out don't freak out i'd like to see you touch him i don't want to be such a [ __ ] about it if i

did maybe we should take his clothes off dude and wear them

yeah it's like in one of those old world w*r ii movies where the good guys pretend to be nazis

what are you talking about just get his clothes

[ __ ] [ __ ] how do we know if he's dead

[Music] hey that's my pencil that's a good girl

i don't want it back like i'm gonna pull a pen out of a dude's face oh come on

just get his clothes on yeah this guy stinks

[Music] oh my god

ugh

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you be so amazing [Music] feel the culture

absolute [ __ ] [Music]

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what's the plan it's crawling with them

maybe we should stay put otherwise we went right into them no i say we keep moving

so much for the scoop again guys let's keep moving

luke i am your father

i like that too i cracked myself up

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[Laughter] [Music]

ah [Music]

that's just perfect oh one size fits all right not suck god

damn it crunch say give it to me you're too [ __ ] fat nah dude

this is a glandular problem you know i know that you know my history you know my brother dude i was gonna say full

figured yeah well if i'm so full figured then they're standing behind me right

yeah okay just go along with this oh

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i was in a fellow you know dude you played a donkey

oh [Music]

oh [Music]

i'm sorry dad [Music]

this is gonna be the best summer ever

[Music]

looking into your eyes

love comes without disguise

making my fear go away

[Music] i feel it in my heart

[Music]

what do you reckon seems okay yeah well what if it's a trap

we go up there and these butchers are hiding somewhere i think the quarterback should go

no he's the fastest and strongest a little strange nerd is right i am the

fastest and strongest

are you you want to go out with me

like on a date yeah

sure okay here's the plan

i'll go no we stay together i'll look for a phone or a vehicle or something we should stay together no

you guys stay here i'll be back when we get back

go to dinner or something okay [Music]

why couldn't the nerd go i'm right here

hello

that would be great so far so good

[Music] there's nothing we can do he's dead he's

[Music]

we gotta dead through the car

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huh [Music]

um [Music]

so

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i brought you shoes it's not fair oh my god oh my god

[ __ ] [ __ ]

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oh

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maybe we can hide here for a while hey he wants to write for you anyway

no obviously what was wrong his kindness his romantic side his good

looks i was gonna say stupid hair god i want to get out of this [ __ ] country

okay i'll get you out right i'll get you out yeah

did you just smell my hair no

my breath

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hey you didn't send him up to talk to them because you were shut up god you were jealous

i can hear someone

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i can actually taste it not

one word are you okay

i could do with a hug no i'm good let's just keep going

[ __ ] my life

so

oh

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so [Music]

hmm [Music]

then my thumbnail [Music]

can't believe hamas nature [Music]

[Music] oh

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[Applause]

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so

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foreign

uh

thanks for the offer shaq um i'm gonna hit the showers thanks coach

oh

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[Music] howdy puzzler how about the mix

yes

so

[Music] ugh

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is [Music]

nice breath though [Music]

uh [Music]

[Applause] is this [ __ ]

[Applause]

we're surrounded good luck you too

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oh my god if this ends up on youtube i'm gonna die

[Music] it's okay nice though

[Music] [Laughter]

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uh [Music]

hmm

you look surprised to see me look bad for a minute there

oh

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come on you [ __ ] turns out

i have quite the talent for kicking a*s who knew

[Applause]

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we are awesome you were awesome meeple that was so cool we gotta be a little quiet

yeah sorry we were lucky meatball may not be so lucky again so what's the plan

well that was a lucky escape but it does show you can meeple your a*s if we have to you can walk

get away you said meatball i did

yeah you've actually said it like a couple of times uh-huh anyway

do we keep running yes if they see us just meatball and meatball to the meatball

now you said meebo like tons of times uh-huh yeah

what's your name nipple did you get hurt i don't think so

meatball turn around for me please

is it bad me paul you seem to have a little knife stuck in your brain

sleep ball yeah sure

wait wait don't touch it

[Applause] oh

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oh

ugh

it is still making me because we need to stop the bleeding

listen listen this is important

i want to tell you something [Music] me

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oh my god

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all right let's walk in the room

my home and native land true patriot love

why are you sinking the canadian national anthem i'm canadian eh

no way here but you are canadian

i'm going to go to mihu say

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ah

please please please accept my apologies i i almost

did this to a canadian please understand i

i thought it was america they were supposed

they were supposed to be american

hey you you okay eh i almost made a connection

hey hey now it's an easy mistake to make a but

my face is on the product i a hundred percent

american medicaid not 99 percent not 98 not 97 percent not 96 percent

you understand me uh-huh yes yes as i i would have never never never ever

never ever put canadian meat into american burger i i it was a mistake i

just didn't know but something will come out of this i will overlook the entire operation

look at you you're so scared i should have known you cannot be americans

[Music] so i'm uh i'm good to go eh

[Music] okay we're good egg

we're good go go go we're good eh

i'm going to go to mihouse and watch the whole just play hockey

[Music]

yes

canadian

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oh

come on jackpot

yes yes

i am going home [Music]

hop on

are you okay no no no

your tongue is huge [Music]

seriously your tongue is massive and i like it let's ride

[Music]

[ __ ] we need that bus yeah it could be full of butchers then

we'll k*ll them all god my teacher is rambo

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dude [Music]

all right

so good to see you too man why are you naked

long story right okay

jesus yep that's my new girlfriend

yes i'm still not wearing any pants [Music] dude what she's doing

i have no idea isn't she great yeah

hey teach good to see you

all aboard take your seats and have your tables in the upright position we will shortly come inside just get going will

ya oakley don't clean

[Music] man you get a hot cheerleader

where's my hot shoe

stop stop it's my hot cheerleader [Music] need a ride

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um

dude can't believe we made it today i thought i was never going to see

you again [Music]

i think we should stop for a burger no why not i'm hungry just trust me

hey check it out there you go get dressed girl

[Music]

all in all best summer ever yeah there's a couple of things i

have to suppress yeah best summer ever

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[Applause] [Music]

um

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can you see by the dawn's early light okay

uh before we go further with tour i will need to see passports are you

americans yes is everyone and well very good thank you

thank you and you are americans this is very good

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yes [Music]

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you guys are the dumbest nurse i have ever seen [Music]

me [Music]

i was we will now ask a nice young man what he

thinks of american border please try a american burger made with a hundred

percent american meat please try free

yes was that not best burger ever it's all right

so was that not best burger ever yes he say yes you can smile together

[Music]

that works

[Applause] yeah do you do you find it hard time today to find

time to make uh wait no treaty

[Music]

to make time for good meal yes because today i mean we all have such busy lifestyles

perhaps you are a pilot perhaps you're a doctor perhaps you're a lawyer

that's your woman [Music]

no worries your meal time be

american burger times [Music]

[Music] i'm here for the bad times

if you're still here [Music]

every time [Music]

you