04x01 - "Burn, Hazelnut, Burn"/The Wash-Out

[bunniefuu]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

BOY 1: Who?

GIRL 1:
Is that that girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-GIRL 1: Oh...

GIRL 2: Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

Look! A French poodle!

-Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!
-[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[CRASHING]

-ACTOR: Can you disarm it?
-[SCOFFS] Please.

Disarming double-fused adamantium bombs
was my master's thesis.

-But I need more time.
-Time is the one thing we don't have.

[BUZZING]

-Eenie, meenie, miney, moe.
-[BEEPING]

[GRUNTS]

PEPPER ANN: Give me a break.

You could've used these.

Maybe I was just warming
my mouth up for this.

[SMOOCHES]

-Please!
-Quiet, girl! You're ruinin' the picture!

Sorry, mister, this picture was ruined
long before I got here.

"Put simply, Revengenator
is revolting, repellent, re-stinky."

-What do you think?
-Except for the fact

that "re-stinky" is not a word,
that was very good, Pepper Ann.

It was cool and all, but don't you think
you're being a little H-A-R-sh?

Milo, Miss Bladdar made me
the school paper's movie critic

for a reason. It's my job to be harsh.

Well, I, for one, think you were right
about that romantic subplot.

It was completely unmotivated.

You do know what a subplot is, right?
You wrote about it.

I got the word out
of this old glossary of movie terms.

"I have three words for the director
of Hard Asphalt.

"Get some talent."

"Macho Mucho is mucho stinko.

"I'd rather beat myself
on the head with a wooden plank

"then sit through this
mind-numbingly bad film again."

[ALL LAUGH]

[CHUCKLES] That Pepper Ann,
she is so deliciously cruel!

I'm Cameron Landisberg,
the director of Macho Mucho.

You said you'd rather beat yourself
with a board than sit through my movie?

Peppie, just tell the nice man

that we're happy with
our current religion.

Plank. I said I would rather beat myself
with a wood...

CAMERON: You reviewers are all the same.

You don't know the first thing
about making movies,

yet you dare to pass judgment
on the rest of us

who are out there trying.

[GRUNTS]

Don't judge me unless you've walked
a mile in my moccasins, missy!

He was right. I never have made a movie.
And you know what?

I bet I could make a better movie
than any of those hacks.

Of course you can, honey.
You can do anything you set your mind to.

I'm behind you 100 percent.

Good, because I'm going to need
a substantial amount of money to...

Forget it.

You wanna make a movie
and you want me to pay for it?

Yes. You'll be the executive producer,
and I'll direct it.

-I've had Moose prepare a budget.
-Hmm. Well, what's it about?

Picture this.
A guy, a girl, a coffee shop.

Like the first buds of May, love blooms.
Then tragedy strikes.

Ew. That sounds boring.
Will it have action?

-[CHUCKLES] Oh, yeah, lots of action.
-And dancing?

-I suppose it could have a little dancing.
-And a happy ending?

No, no. It has to be a tragedy.
Happy endings are the...

-No happy ending, no executive producer.
-Happy endings are the happiest endings.

You're going to make your own movie?

Yep. I'm going to direct it.
Milo, you could film it,

and, Nicky, you could do everything else.

-Way cool.
-I'd be glad to help.

We can get started this afternoon.
I'll need a megaphone...

-What about the script?
-The what?

The script.

The thing that tells the story.

It's like a book. You need a script.

How else would you know
what was going to happen?

I thought I'd just wing it.
You know, improvise.

No, no, no. That won't do. Take notes.

The classic dramatic structure
includes a beginning, a middle,

a denouement, and an end.
Aristotle said...

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

[SIGHS] I thought I'd never finish.

"All she wanted... [SOBS]

"...was a decent cup of coffee."
Fade out. The end.

Oh, Pepper Ann, this is brilliant.

[BLOWS] I know.

You must get the highest quality actors
to do justice to these amazing characters.

Of course, I will.
Craig and I are going to star in it.

Cissy?

She is perfect for the lead female role,
don't you think?

Well, when I was writing
the role of Natasha,

a redheaded astrophysicist
just trying to find a decent cup of coffee

in this topsy-turvy world,

-I was thinking...
-Good. Cissy it is.

Oh, and Craig's out too.
He didn't come to my last party.

-The male lead is going to Wayne Macabre.
-What?

No way is that loud-mouthed freak
gonna be the lead in my movie.

-No. Mm-hmm. Forget it.
-Whose movie?

At least she liked my script.
Now, we can start filming.

-Here you go, Mr. Director of Photography.
-Wow. A whole new medium.

The screen will be my canvas,
the camera, my brush.

Friends, tomorrow we begin sh**ting
my masterpiece, Wistful Rainbow.

Natasha and Rico will come to life
before our very eyes,

meeting, loving, and losing each other
at a cozy, yet charming, French bistro.

[BOWLING PINS CLANKING]

A bowling alley?
Nicky, what happened to the French bistro?

They had to cater a last-minute
gospel brunch.

Moviemaking is all about illusion,
Pepper Ann.

We'll dress the set with charming
bistro accouterments and, voilà!

No one will ever know...

VOICE OVER SPEAKER:
Lane three, your nachos are ready.

...the difference.

All right, Cissy. In this scene,
you're slipping Wayne the microfilm,

and the bad guys
are hot on your tail, got it?

-[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
-And action.

Well, aren't you a cool, cool drink
on a hot, hot day.

Like, do you want
this stupid thing or not?

Cut, cut, cut! Cissy, your line is,

"Rico you're the only one
who can help me out of this pickle."

I know, but I changed it,

'cause that's not how, like,
real people talk.

Yeah. Who wrote this junk anyway?

[BEEPS]

Script doctors?

Chill out. They just made
some of the jokes funnier.

The Pentagon?
This is a whole different story.

You're exaggerating.

The only parts that were changed
are the pink pages.

The white pages are your original work.

-One page?
-That was a really good page.

[GRUNTS]

Milo, this scene stinks.
This script stinks. This movie stinks.

It's not as bad as you think.
It's actually pretty good.

You've managed to let everyone
have their input.

The final product will be a harmonious
melding of all our creative forces.

[BOWLING PINS CLANKING]

Okay, people,
if you look at your revised script,

you'll see that the scene
by the cappuccino machine

has been moved to the Pentagon vault.

Well, I thought that sh**t would k*ll me,
but here we are,

with the raw footage
that will soon be edited

into my masterpiece.

-What up, sugar pup?
-Like, would you take this stupid thing?

-Hang on. Let me just fix the tracking.
-No, P.A., I did it on purpose. Shaky cam.

It gives the scene a more realistic,
gritty feeling, don't ya think?

[CHUCKLES] Oh, shaky cam.
Would you excuse me, please?

-[PEPPER ANN SCREAMING]
-[OBJECTS CLATTERING]

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

PEPPER ANN: Dear readers, I was wrong.

I am here to admit that, loud and clear.

"For weeks I've been judging movies
in the most negative terms,

"when I didn't even understand
the entire filmmaking process."

"Many hands are involved
in the creation of a film.

"The producer, director, writer,
actors, director of photography."

"All these people have a huge influence
on the final product."

CAMERON: "I ask for the forgiveness
of anyone that I have unfairly judged.

"Now that I've walked a mile
in your moccasins, I truly understand."

Hmm.

[BEEPS]

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

PEPPER ANN: Hello?

CAMERON:
Congratulations on your article.

Cameron Landisberg?

CAMERON: So, how did it feel
to actually do something

instead of sitting around
criticizing others?

-Terrible. My movie came out terrible.
-CAMERON: Don't sweat it.

We don't do this for external rewards.
We do this for ourselves.

-We do it for our art.
-I hear you, man. For our art.

CAMERON: Hmm. Well, I'd better
get going. I've got to count my money.

One, two, three, four, fi... [LAUGHING]
...five, six, seven, eight, nine...

Aren't you coming down
for the screening, Pepper Ann?

No. It's awful.

Come on, it might not be
as bad as you think.

You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

Yes.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Step back, baby. Daddy's disarming.

Which wire? Which wire?

-[BOWLING PIN CLANKING]
-MAN: Strike.

[ALL GASP]

WAYNE: One potato, two potato,
three potato, four.

[ALL GASP]

WAYNE: I did it! Sing my praises.

[ALL CHEER]

You liked it? You really liked it?

TRINKET: That came out
better than I thought. Money well spent.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

-GIRL 4: That was so bad, it was great.
-STEWART: I didn't understand that...

Did you hear that?
It was so bad, it was great.

-You made a wonderfully campy movie.
-No, we made a wonderfully campy movie.

And if they liked this one, just wait

till Cool Summer Strikes Back
With A Vengeance comes out.

Picture it,
our b*mb-disarming heroes are back,

but this time,
they're not taking any prisoners.

[SLAMS]

MS. STARK: Ninety degrees here,

Without 90-degree or right angles...

-[GRUNTS, SMOOCHES]
-MS. STARK: ...as they are...

-...affectionately called...
-[GROANS]

...we would have no squares.

No tissue boxes. No books.
The letter "T" wouldn't even exist.

Thank your lucky stars for right angles.

You know, they used to be called
wrong angles until I said,

"Hey, what's wrong with them?
Give the poor guys a break."

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

If the Greek chorus is through,
I'll continue.

Be sure to bring your cameras
on this Friday's class trip

to Fuzzy World.

The student who captures
the most photographs of 90-degree angles

will win a special prize.

[SCOFFS] Yeah. [BLOWS] We'll do that.

The bowler coaster, the Fuzz-i-tron,
the Ferris wheel is nothing

-but a complex system of 90-degree angles.
-[KNOCKING]

[WHISPERS INDISTINCTLY]

Uh. Gwen Mezzrow.
Nurse Oomla would like to speak with you.

[SCREAMS, CRIES]

[ALL MURMURING INDISTINCTLY]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

-And then she...
-Packed up her books...

And left for the day.

Whatever Nurse Oomla told her...

-[SLURPS]
-...it must have been awful.

It ripped my heart in two
to see her so... [SNIFFS]

Booyah! Fish sticks just came out
of the frying vat.

Well, Nurse Oomla was holding
those lice screenings this week.

I'm not saying anything,

but how often does Gwen Mezzrow
un-braid that hair and actually wash it?

-Gwen Mezzrow...
-Has lice.

-[SPUTTERING]
-[CELLPHONE BEEPS]

Lice, Marie. That's right, lice.

-She says Gwen Mezzrow has lice.
-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Poor Gwen Mezzrow.

Do they make "I hope the parasites
in your hair meet a timely death" cards?

Wait, you guys,
I don't know for sure if she has...

I'll make it myself.
I'll need some watercolors, yeah.

And a butter churn.

So, Nicky, I got my Fuzzy World
permission slip signed,

but I left it at home.

So, if you could sneak away during gym.

Pepper Ann, you just started
a horrible rumor about Gwen Mezzrow.

[SCOFFS] It was just talk.

Besides, when was the last time
someone took something I said seriously?

I heard Ernie, the janitor,
ran in with hedge clippers

and cut off Gwen Mezzrow's braids
right in the middle of Miss Stark's class.

[SCREECHING]

I told my mater that today's youth
was unclean but, no, she didn't listen.

Now, I'm forced to go to school
with the likes of that lice-ridden cootie,

Gwen Mezzrow.

What do you think?

There was once a lovely girl
who only had one vice.

We were horrified to learn
that she'd caught a case of lice.

-[GROANS]
-MILO: One day I'll tell my children

with a sigh and wistful stare,

I could have loved Gwen Mezzrow,
if she'd only washed her hair.

Milo, I made it up, okay?
Gwen Mezzrow doesn't have lice.

-Gwen Mezzrow has lice?
-[GROANS]

-What have I done?
-Don't beat yourself up.

Everyone knows there's no way
Gwen Mezzrow could actually have lice.

It would take an unprecedented
warming trend for them

-to thrive this time of year.
-Really?

I wouldn't worry.
Gwen Mezzrow will be back tomorrow

and everyone
will have forgotten everything.

-[STUDENTS MURMUR]
-[SCREAMS]

[GASPING]

[CREAKING]

I'm pulling for ya, Gwen Mezzrow.

You made me a card? That's so...
Lice? Milo, I don't have lice.

Good cover up.
But we all saw Nurse Oomla send you home.

So, when was the last time
you undid your braids?

All right, before we jump into geometry,
it's time for you to pick your buddies

for tomorrow's trip to Fuzzy World.

-Dieter, do you want to...
-[SCREAMS]

Milo, can we...

Sorry, Gwen Mezzrow,
but even I have limits.

[SCOFFS] This is ridiculous.

If the rest of you are scared
of some silly rumor,

-then I'll be partners with...
-[STEWART CLEARING THROAT]

Good luck, Gwen.

I get a little frightened
on the parking lot tram.

Perhaps you could hold my hand?

But I don't have lice! My goldfish died!

That's what Nurse Oomla came to tell me.

I spent the rest of the day
at Fishy Mezzrow's burial.

Why do you think
I have these black ribbons in my braids?

Um... Because of the lice?

[GASPS]

Look at her, alone, cast off by her peers.
Forced into Lice-ville. Population, one.

I've lice-listed Gwen Mezzrow.

Miss Mezzrow, if you'd just tell us
what we need to know,

we can all go home to our families.

[WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY]

[WHISPERS] I can tell them.

All right. I am a Communist.

For the tenth time, I don't care.

Are you now, or have you ever been,
infected with lice?

No.

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

-GIRL 3: Oh!
-I'll ask you again, Miss Mezzrow.

Are you now...

Have you no sense of decency,
Pepper Ann?

Have you no sense of decency?

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

-[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
-[GRUNTS]

Get away from me, Pepper Ann.
Or haven't you heard? I'm poison.

Gwen, I...

You see, it was lunch time,
and, well, we were all wondering,

and I accidentally started a rumor
that you had lice, but I didn't mean to.

-Can you ever forgive me?
-It was you?

I'll make it up to you,
Gwen Mezzrow, I swear.

From this moment forward,
my entire afternoon will be dedicated

to convincing the world
that you are lice-free.

[SIGHS] Then I guess I have no choice
but to forgive you, Pepper Ann.

You're the only friend I've got right now.

If we make bodily contact,
they'll never let me back in. Trust me.

So, you have to help me spread the word.
Gwen Mezzrow never had lice.

Baking soda, vinegar.

How can substances so tame
become so volatile when mixed?

I was just making conversation,
but I was wrong.

She left because Fishy Mezzrow died.

-[BUBBLING]
-It's like in life.

Two otherwise tranquil souls
such as Gwen Mezzrow and myself

come together
to create passion unheard of.

Too bad she has lice.

Milo, have you been listening
to a word I've said?

No.

You want your hat back,
you repeat after me,

Gwen Mezzrow is lice-free.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Fine, whatever you say.
Just give me back my hat!

Don't forget to spread the word!

And I didn't mean to start a rumor.
Gwen Mezzrow is 100 percent lice-free.

-I guess that...
-Makes sense.

So, do you think you can publish a formal
"Rumor Retraction" in Hazelnuts 'N Bolts?

-I don't know...
-Pepper Ann.

-The "Rumor Retraction" section...
-Is full.

You can have my scrunchie
you've always admired.

It's the freshest.

-You obviously need this...
-VANESSA: And more than me.

So, as you can read,
the whole thing was a big ugly mistake.

Like, speaking of ugly?

Vanessa took her hat back.
But you guys believe me, right?

You'll make sure everyone knows?

[BEEPS]

Marie? You can put Gwen Mezzrow
back on my invitation list. She's clean.

I did it, Nicky.

The Gwen Mezzrow lice rumor
is out of circulation.

I'll be able to enjoy tomorrow's trip
to Fuzzy World

-with a squeaky clean conscience.
-I'm proud of you.

You admitted your mistake,
and rectified the situation. Very adult.

[MIMICS SQUEAKING]

Hear that?
That is one squeaky clean conscience.

[SIGHS] I have to go to class.

The "F" in the Fuzzy World sign
has three right angles alone.

-That eraser is as good as mine.
-There's one more thing I gotta do.

It's a world of Fuzzy, a world of fur
Fun for every boy und girl

So, Dieter, you know,
that cute Gwen Mezzrow

still doesn't have a buddy
for Fuzzy World.

Since I came to America,
I have been planning, plotting,

and praying for this trip to Fuzzy World.

Nothing's gonna ruin it.
Especially Gwen Mezzrow and her lice.

-[GROANS]
-I'm telling you she doesn't have lice.

Didn't you read the "Rumor Retraction"
in Hazelnuts 'N Bolts?

[GRUNTS] Newspapers are nothing
but two-bit conspiracy mills.

Okay. I'm gonna prove to you
once and for all

that Gwen Mezzrow is lice-free.
Don't move.

-[GASPS]
-I said, don't move.

[WHIMPERS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Nurse Oomla. I was just looking
for popsicle sticks. Bye.

Pepper Ann.
I've been looking all over for you.

Sit down, honey.

Your lice screening results
just came back.

-I'm afraid you're infected, girl.
-I'm... What?

Not to worry. Oh, honey.
Lice are quite easy to get rid of.

A thorough washing with medicated shampoo
usually does the trick.

I just hope you haven't been sharing
any brushes or hats.

[GASPS]

Oops.

SHERRIE: Dreams of a Fuzzy World frolic
are shattered,

as an epidemic lice infestation
sends students home in droves.

Health officials blame the outbreak
on unusually warm weather patterns,

and this scrunchie.

At a time like this, Hal,
one can only wonder

what the infected students
must be going through.

And next, when it comes to crime fighting,
this pint-sized policeman is no dummy.

Stay tuned.

Who will make a pretty
water-colored poem for me?

Lice, Marie. That's right, lice.

-You can have...
-My scrunchie.

Fuzzy World.

Stupid El Niño.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

GWEN: Whee! [GIGGLES]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDING]