04x05 - The Velvet Room

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

Who's that girl? What's her name?
Is she cool? Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?
Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

MALE VOICE: Who?

FEMALE VOICE 1:
Is that the girl from gym class?

-MOOSE: No, that's me.
-FEMALE VOICE 1: Oh.

FEMALE VOICE 2: Who is she,
and why does she have her own song?

-PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?
-[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million!
Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

-She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!
-Oh! Five bucks!

Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!

PEPPER ANN: Hmm.

I launch my armada, and knock out
your navies in the Atlantic Ocean,

Pacific Ocean, and Bering Strait,
which means, I win!

[GRUNTS] Not fair!

Hail Pearsonia, the mightiest of kingdoms

We have defeated Milo
For the 12th consecutive time

[LAUGHS] Losers clean up!

Peppie, would you
please settle down and stop...

[SIGHS] ...bouncing on the sofa.

It's just that Pearsonia
has crushed Milovakia

for the 12th consecutive time and...

Maybe I can get some decent furniture
when you go off to college.

I'm sorry, Mom. I'll save up
all my allowance to get it fixed.

-Can I have a raise in my allowance?
-I didn't mean to snap at you, sweetie.

It's just that I've got
a lot of things on my mind.

You can tell me all about it,
I'm your little girl with the big ears!

I got a call from my old roommate
in junior college, Marion Cornwalis.

-She's coming for a visit next week.
-See? Don't you feel better?

If you ever need to talk again just...
Wait, Marion Cornwalis. I know that name.

Well, she's the host
of that public TV show,

This Gorgeous House.

Remember? We watched the episode

where she toured Mick Snot's castle
in Hoboken?

[GASPS] Oh! Yeah!

Mick Snot had 36 bathrooms
with a dolphin tank in each one!

I want a dolphin tank!

-[SIGHS]
-PEPPER ANN: What?

The point is, she's a big,
successful public television celebrity

who travels
to the most beautiful houses in the world.

-What's she gonna think of our house?
-What's wrong with our house?

Sure it could use a dolphin tank,
but it's beautiful!

So, you're creative.
Slap some paint on the walls,

throw some tissue-paper carnations
in a soup can, it'll look good as new!

That's a wonderful idea, Peppie!
Except maybe for that soup can part.

I'm gonna do it!

[DRUMROLL]

Wow! I never dreamed
this old house could look so nice.

Good job, Mom!

I'm sure that Marion Cornstarch
will be impressed.

-[DOORBELL RINGS]
-[GASPS]

That's her! Stand up straight, Peppie.
Moose, zip your shoes.

-Marion! You look wonderful!
-Lydia! It's been ages!

Oh, look at this beautiful,
young lady! [GASPS]

And adorable young g... bo... uh, child!

Why, I remember when you were
just gleams in your daddy's eyes!

-What does that mean?
-[PRETEND LAUGHS]

Well, girls,
have a great time at your movie!

Oh, Lydia, I love
what you've done with the place.

It's so warm, inviting...
[GASPS] ...homey.

[LAUGHS] Ah! And remember
when William Wade Widdle

sat on the steps of our building crying
because you'd decided to marry Chuck?

Oh! [LAUGHS] Wally Widdle!

Oh! I had no idea
he was even interested in me. [CHUCKLES]

I hear he's a successful bicycle cop now.

-He always did have nice thighs.
-Oh, I hope you saved room for dessert!

I made blueberry cheese triangles.
Half the fat of a square!

[SIGHS] Oh, Lydia, this is so wonderful!

You're a fantastic cook,
your daughters are beautiful,

and your house is so charming.
I wish I could feature you on my show.

Oh! Go on. Our humble little house?

I think it would be
a great segment! [GASPS]

We'll call it, "Little house, big heart."

Yes! I charge my elephant brigade
over the Alps,

and your secret base is mine!
[LAUGHS] I win again! Losers clean up!

Please cease the rub in, P.A.

As if it weren't bad enough
that you repeatedly kick my booty

in this stupid game, you get to live out
my lifelong dream to be on television.

What? Your dream is to be
on Magical Warriors of Narn,

not some boring, public TV show
about how to make silverware wind chimes.

You can't get a guest shot
on Magical Warriors of Narn

just like that. It's all who you know!

Now, if your decorating show
was shot here at my house,

I could casually walk by
in my bearskin toga,

holding a crude but mystical digging tool.

Here? Milo, the show
is called "This Gorgeous House."

-So?
-Well...

MILO: No, no, no.

We have another room.

-I give you the velvet room.
-[GASPS]

Wow!

Well, what are we wasting all that time
in your junky room for?

Let's hang out here!

No, P.A.,
you can't go into the velvet room.

-It is forbidden.
-What? Why?

-It's reserved for special occasions.
-Which special occasions?

I don't know. We've never had any.

You've lived here since you were three,

and you've never even set foot
in that room?

Not even on your birthday?

Holidays?

Not even when you swept
the diorama category at the youth fair

despite overwhelming odds?

-Nope.
-Well, that just doesn't seem right.

Mom's got her reasons
for not letting me in, and I respect that.

All parents have their quirks.

This is just my mom's.
Help me with the screen.

I'm glad my mom doesn't have any quirks.
She'd never go crazy over a stupid room.

No, no, no!

I ordered a claw foot ottoman,
not a bun foot hassock!

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

-Mom, what are you doing?
-Oh!

-Where's our stuff?
-Oh, our old hillbilly furniture

was too squalid to be on TV.

Look at this stuff!
It's so fancy and schmancy!

-How can we afford this?
-It's rented, just for the TV show,

so I'd appreciate it if you didn't have
any friends over until after the taping.

I put a hefty deposit on this stuff,
and I'm not taking any chances.

-And no skating in the house, sweetie.
-[SKATEBOARD CLATTERS]

-[DRILL MACHINE WHIRRING]
-Yeah, the masons are here.

Mom decided we needed a fireplace.

-[SAW SCRAPING]
-What? Nah.

The wallpapering was finished yesterday.

Actually,
one of the workmen's kind of cute.

Peppie, I have someone here
to take a look at your room.

Uh... Nicky, I gotta go.

Peppie, this is Tadius,
our new interior designer.

He's going to help
fix up your room a little,

and he's agreed
to work pro bono! [CHUCKLES]

That means it's free,
so don't give him any sass.

Greetings, Anna.

-So, Tadius, what do you think...
-[SHUSHES]

The walls are talking to Tadius.

Can't you hear them?
"Help us, Tadius, help us!"

It's horrid, but Tadius can work with it.

-We'll have to do a complete overhaul.
-But, uh, I like my room the way it is!

Hmm.

-Hmm.
-[BURBLES]

Mm-hmm.

Well, what kind of a look
did you have in mind?

Oh, I don't know. Something
to complement my Peppie's personality.

After all, it is her room.

You know, feminine,
froufrou, flouncy, and pink!

Tadius likes!

I hate this plastic!

-My legs are sweating!
-Well, that's exactly why we need it.

To keep your sweaty legs
from soiling the upholstery!

[GASPS]

Hmm.

Where's the Chillade?

Tadius had to decorate
the inside of the refrigerator

because of the transparent glass doors.

Naturally, all the food had to go
to make room for the flowers.

Would you like a flower?

[TENSE MUSIC PLAYS]

-[SCREAMS]
-[RINGS]

[SIGHS] It was a dream?

[SCREAMS]

-Peppie, would you please stop screaming?
-What happened to my room?

It looks like Little Bo Peep
barfed all over...

Tadius thought the transition
would be easier

if we fixed it up while you slept.

Oh, and before you step on the new carpet
you have to put these on your feet.

-But...
-Put on the footies!

[GRUNTS]

Where's the TV? I thought
it was just a horrible nightmare!

-The TV never hurt anybody!
-LYDIA: Peppie, the sh**t's today.

I want to keep everything pristine
for when Marion gets here.

You can go watch TV
in the toolshed with Moose.

Forget it.
I'm gonna go over to Milo's

where I don't have to worry
about ruining the chintz.

Whatever that is!

Well, just be back by 4:00
so we can get ready for the taping.

[SIGHS]

-Come on, one more game, please?
-Milo, it's boring. I always win.

Hey there, kids,
want some lemon curd tartlets?

I'm thinking of making them when I cater
Henrietta Liebowitz's next wedding.

-What do you think?
-[MUFFLED] Thanks.

-Gracias, mamacita.
-Mm, I may have to charge double.

[EXHALES] Can't put a price on yummy.

-Chillade, please! Come on.
-Me too, thanks!

The thrill is gone.
Let's just play indoor football.

Unless you wanna play the game
in the velvet room!

Football it is.

Tell the truth, Milo,
aren't you dying to get in that room?

No. Shirts or skins?

Go long, P.A., go long!

[GASPS] Oh, no.

-No, no, no, no, no.
-What?

You put one whole foot in the velvet room!
Oh, my gosh. We're doomed.

Oh, come on! Who's gonna know?

[HUMS]

[SNIFFS]

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS]

KONA: Milo? Pepper Ann?

She knows.
She's got that mom radar, and she knows.

Milo, don't you think
you're taking this a little too seriously?

Just tell her I did it!

You? You?

Who are you suddenly? The Queen of Sheba?

You're not authorized to enter that room
any more than I am!

You didn't... [GASPS]

Run, P.A., run!

I told you to run!

Go to Nicky's! You'll be safe there!

[CLEAVER THUDS]

Can you believe it?
A whole room where no one's allowed to go.

It's like the Salon des Refusés,
but the only ones refuséd are themselves.

[LAUGHS]

-[LAUGHS] Oh. Nick, what a wit, huh?
-[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Thanks so much for inviting me for lunch,
Mr. and Mrs. Little.

Can I help do something?

Well, I suppose you could set the table
for us in the dining room!

-Do you need me to show you...
-I think I can handle it.

Pepper Ann, I forgot.
Are you allergic to radicchio... [GASPS]

-What? What's wrong?
-This is the good china,

hand-painted by Himalayan nuns
in the 12th century!

It's only to be used
if the French ambassador

or House majority leader
ever come to visit!

MRS. LITTLE: What's going on here?

I'm sorry, it was just so pretty
that I thought...

Oh, Pepper Ann, if we used
our pretty china every day,

then we'd have nothing to use
on those special occasions

that might happen, now would we?
That's why we use recyclable plastic!

Pepper Ann, would you like to come in
and play Fuzzy Kong on my FunStation 8000?

Okay, but I'm player one.

Hey! This is the coolest thing
I've ever seen!

-[PIPE ORGAN PLAYING]
-GRETA: Oh! What is that child doing

on the pipe organ? You almost ruined
the one decent musical instrument we have

in case the bürgermeister visits!

-Cinder...
-Ella...

-Dressed in...
-Yella...

-Hey there...
-Pepper Ann!

[MUMBLES] Hi.

Can't you read?
It says, "Keep off the grass!"

Now, what if the company picnic
were going to be held at our house

this year, and the grass
wasn't perfectly green?

I just made some Apple Brown Betty
in my Suzy Bake Oven.

Wanna come have some?

How dare you use that basketball court?
No one's allowed in there, not even us!

What if I finally get enough money
to buy an expansion team?

I couldn't have them practicing
on a scuffed floor and whatnot!

No! Come on!

Hello, Pepper Ann.

-I didn't do anything!
-Whatever.

-I'm sorry. I've just had a bad day.
-I know. Wanna come in?

[CATS SNARLING, MEOWING]

PEPPER ANN: Man, you sure have
a lot of... What are they?

Cats. They're not mine.
But someone's gotta feed 'em.

-[CATS MEOWING]
-Have a seat.

Word is that the whole town
wants you locked up.

-Candy?
-[BUZZES]

[SIGHS] I guess I screwed up.

At Milo's, I stepped
into that stupid velvet room,

at Nicky's, I set the table
with the nun's china,

then I accidentally touched
Mrs. Liederhosen's pipe organ!

Frankly... [SIGHS]

...I just don't understand
what's wrong with everyone in this town.

They've all got perfectly good rooms,
basketball courts or grass

-that they refuse to use!
-See that tablecloth?

It sat in a closet for 25 years.
I was saving it for a special occasion.

I saved this in case
Billy Goat McGraw ever dropped by.

These decorative pillows
were for Prince Albert.

This swimsuit was for a surf party.

This costume
was for my pro wrestling career,

and that candy you're eating
sat on my shelf for 30 years...

-[MUFFLED GASPS]
-...waiting for a special occasion.

[ALL MEOWING]

[GRUNTS]

But you're using them now. What happened?

One day I woke up,
and Prince Albert was dead,

I discovered pro wrestling was a sham,

and Billy Goat... [SCOFFS]
...that's a whole other story.

I decided right then and there
that every day is a special occasion,

and I started using all my stuff.

Wanna see pictures of me snorkeling
on the Great Barrier Reef?

[ALL MEOW]

Oops, I gotta get home,
it's almost time for the taping!

You wanna take some cats?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Now, people, let's get
in a nice, civilized line,

and we can all take a quick tour
through Château Pearson before the taping.

Everyone is required to wear
paper slippers and body socks.

No exceptions! Peppie! Is that you?
Oh, I thought you'd never get here!

-Oh, I thought you'd never get here!
-[PEPPER ANN GRUNTS]

You've got to get ready!

I am so glad this is temporary.

Well, I've been meaning to talk
to you about that.

It was going to be temporary, but well,
it's just so exquisite, that I thought...

-Mother, no...
-Well... Yeah, we'll talk about it later.

Tadius' cosmetologist
is going to fix you up

-sugar 'n spice for the taping.
-Mom, wait! I've got to talk to you!

Little girl can talk to her Mother
after she has her party face on!

-[GASPS]
-Don't say it!

Your turn!

And the living room was designed
by Tadius to meld both the neoclassical

and Louis Quinze styles. Any questions?

I love your library.

Could I have a library
without building an addition?

Tadius will field this one.

In Lydia's case,
there wasn't an existing library,

so we simply converted
her youngest daughter's bedroom.

W... what a wonderful idea!

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

And that concludes the tour.

Mom! I've got to talk to you
about all this.

Where are your peaches?

You're supposed to clutch
a bunch of peaches in your apron,

as if you'd just gathered them
on a whim from the orchard!

Mom, we don't have an orchard.

I'm gonna plant one today!

Enough!

I'm sick and tired of you grown-ups
and your velvet rooms!

Oh, settle down, sweetie...

Life is for living,
not covering in plastic,

roping off with silken cord,
or hiding in a cupboard, or...

-[GRUNTS]
-MARION: She's absolutely right.

[GASPS]

I've been featuring over-decorated houses
that no one lives in for so long


that I was excited when I came here,
to a real house.

But don't you like the way
our house looks now?

It's absolutely beautiful.
But it isn't real.

What made your house special, Lydia,
wasn't the perfect upholstery,

or the expensive decorating.
Although these tiebacks are simply divine.

Mm, but that's not the point.
What made your house special

was that I could tell
that people who love each other live here.

Miss Corncob is right!
It's nice to have good things,

but if you have to keep your loved ones
from using them, what's the point?

-MAN: Maybe, I...
-WOMAN: Oh, you know what...

[OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

[SIGHS] I guess
I did get a little carried away.

I was so worried
about impressing everyone else

that I forgot what was important.

Girls, go change
into your regular clothes.

-What will Tadius do with these?
-[BARKS]

Take 'em back. Take everything back

and get my old pets
and furniture out of the garage.

-The real Pearson family's going on TV!
-I'm going to have Tundra woman

-on the show!
-Great!

I'm going to call Milo, and have him
bring over his celebrity-shaped

-sweat stain collection!
-No!

Today, on This Gorgeous House,

we feature the Pearson family,
and their wonderful bungalow in Hazelnut.

Lydia, your house is so warm
and comfortable. What's your secret?

Well, Marion, it's really very simple.

Home is where the heart is.

That's a wonderful philosophy.

-Please go on.
-Well, first of all...

Here's to those crafty lil' nuns!
Clink-clank.

LYDIA: There is nothing in my house
that my girls can't use.

[LIEDERHOSENS SINGING IN GERMAN]

LYDIA: I mean, it's...
it's good to have nice things

for company or special occasions.

GWEN: Toss me the alley-oop, Daddy!

GWEN'S FATHER: Nice flush, G!

LYDIA: But isn't every single,
solitary day special?

Now don't be afraid
to put your weight into it, Tessa.

-[METAL CLANGS]
-[CAR HORN HONKING]

-Sorry about your...
-Car, daddy.

Forget the stupid car.
Major leagues, here we come!

And really, aren't our families
the most important people of all?

Peppie, stop that.

MILO: I've conquered
your standing armies!

I am the master of the world
for the first time ever!

Don't push it, mister.

-[MEOWS]
-[MEOWS]

-BILLY: Vera?
-Billy Goat? You're late.

-BILLY: Aw. Come on, girl, don't be mad.
-[CAT MEOWING]

-BILLY: Brought you some chicken!
-[MEOWS, SNARLS]

BILLY: Oh, when the saints

Oh, when the saints

-[MEOWS RHYTHMICALLY]
-Oh, when the saints go marching in

How I want to be in that number

-When the saints go marching in...
-[CATS CONTINUE MEOWING]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[THEME MUSIC CONCLUDES]