05x03 - Lives Lost

[bunniefuu]

[ominous music playing]

[man] If I could revisit myself that day,

I would wanna tell myself

where this was gonna lead.

One split second

can determine the rest of your life.

What I did at 16, it scared me.

And I'll always carry the weight

of taking somebody's life.

[music continues]

I've been in prison

for 27 and a half years.

Do I feel like I deserve to get out?

No.

But would I like to be given

the opportunity and the chance

to make something better of myself

and not be known as just this?

Yeah, for sure.

[eerie music playing]

[man 1]

I think we could all be dangerous people.

[man 2] People say you're a monster.

[man 3]

I'm not sitting here saying I'm innocent.

[man 4]

I just m*rder*d some guy in cold blood.

[music fades out]

[birds chirping]

[somber instrumental music playing]

I'll get this from behind you.

- It's gonna come over your head.

- Mm-hmm.

[music continues]

[Higinio] At such a young age,

you don't understand

the ramifications of what you've done

until you're older.

It took me a long time to actually

look at it from not my perspective,

but his family's,

and that for me

was the hardest thing, and it still is.

[music fades out]

[train bell ringing]

[somber acoustic guitar music playing]

[Higinio] I was born in Lovell, Wyoming.

I know I was there for a short period

while my mom was going to college.

So we moved from Wyoming to Washington,

which is mostly where I grew up.

It was, you know, a normal childhood

to an extent on the outside,

you know, for other people.

My mom worked

with all the neighborhood kids.

She'd take us and try to teach us

right from wrong.

And we would always be held accountable

if we did something bad.

[music fades out]

[foreboding music playing]

[Higinio] But my father was different.

He was a*usive physically

and also mentally and emotionally.

I remember one time, I was seven or eight,

he beat me pretty bad

to where I couldn't go to school

for, like, three weeks.

My mom dealt with a lot,

but, uh, she stayed because of

You know, she did love my dad.

But in case my dad became very a*usive,

we used to sleep with our shoes on

so we would always be ready to leave.

Looking back at it now,

it's pretty drastic, you know?

To have to do that

just to feel like we could be safe.

[music continues]

[Higinio] My dad was into

the drug business, you know.

Like, he hid it pretty well

from, you know, my mom.

But I remember I went to the bathroom

one time, and I walked in there,

and my dad had a bunch of, you know,

what I know now were kilos of cocaine.

My dad was a master mechanic.

So we thought

that's where the money was coming from.

And I'm sure my older brothers

knew more than I did,

but I knew then for sure what my dad did,

you know, to make all that money.

Eventually, like, my older brothers

started getting into the g*ng lifestyle.

You know, following in my dad's footsteps.

And me being the youngest,

I thought being with my older brothers

was the safest place for me.

But growing up that young

in that kind of lifestyle,

it's pretty traumatic in itself.

I think I was 12, and I remember

standing on a corner one time

next to a friend of our family,

and someone just coming up

and sh**ting him in the face.

[dog barking]

[Higinio] After that was when my mom

decided to get us out of Washington,

away from my dad.

[music fades out]

[gentle melodic music playing]

[birds chirping]

[Higinio] We moved to Billings,

and right away,

we realized it was different.

It wasn't a big city, and my mom's like,

"This is where we'll be from now on."

She told us, "It's to get you guys

away from all that stuff."

That was her plan.

That's what she thought was gonna happen,

but that didn't work out too good.

[music fades out]

[tense music playing]

[Higinio] Word spread real quick

about what my dad did, you know?

Because I looked up to my dad,

and I seen the money, that was it for me.

I was like, "You know, this is maybe

something I do need to do."

And, uh, yeah, it became the norm,

you know, for me and my brothers.

My dad raised us to be men of the street.

Breaking into cars, stealing stereos,

and we started getting into fights.

[music intensifies]

And I remember the first fight

I got into in school. I got kicked out.

And then I remember

I got as*ault charges pressed on me.

And so that was my first incident actually

being in trouble with, you know, the law.

[music continues]

[music fades out]

[Higinio] When I got out of juvenile

is when things spiraled out of control.

[pensive music playing]

I went to live with my dad.

He started, you know, giving me

a lot of weed,

or a lot of coke, or a lot of meth,

and he was like,

"Here, you do what you want with it."

So I started selling meth.

My whole thing was to make money,

you know, 'cause that's what my dad did.

But a kid at 14 and 15

shouldn't have people calling him

all the time wanting drugs.

And I didn't realize that

what it was leading into was even worse.

[music fades out]

I had gotten to know

a couple of of girls my age.

And they started to come around,

ask me if I could get 'em meth.

[somber music playing]

I remember one day, they had came over,

and, uh, one of the girls was crying.

I was like, "What's going on?"

She's like, "My dad smacked me around,

and he said he's gonna k*ll me."

She's like, "Can you help us

get out of town?"

I knew what it was like, you know,

to kind of be around that kind of stuff.

So I was like, "Okay."

I was like, "I can do that

if that's what you guys really want."

And they're like, "Hey," they said, uh,

"Are you gonna help us, you know,

pay for everything?"

And I was like, "No."

They're like, "There's a convenience store

by our house."

"You could go in there,

and you can hold up the store."

And they're still crying,

and they're like, "Can you help us?"

So I'm like, "Okay, I'll do it then."

[music fades out]

[ominous music playing]

[Higinio] We pull up on the back side

of this little complex.

And one of the girls gave me a g*n.

It was, like, this old Ruger .22 handgun.

And I remember

before I had gotten out of the car,

I checked, you know, to see

if the g*n was loaded, and it was empty.

And the girls were like,

"Don't worry. Nothing's in there."

[music continues]

I remember, uh, walking in the store.

I walked down the candy aisle.

And I grabbed a Butterfinger candy bar,

put it on the counter,

dug some change out of my pocket,

and paid for it.

[music builds]

So, you know,

I wind up pulling out this g*n,

and he just put his hands up.

He's like, "Hey."

I was like, "Look, I need you

to empty the cash register."

He grabs the money and he hands it over,

and I grab it and stick it in my pocket.

And then I was like,

"Okay, now I need you to open the safe."

And, like, he wouldn't do it.

And he kept saying he didn't have the key.

So I You know, I kept getting mad.

I was like, "You need to open the safe,"

I said, "Or I'm gonna sh**t you."

I looked at the g*n.

You know, I went to, like, scare him,

like I was gonna pull the trigger,

and I remember it going off.

[g*nsh*t echoes]

And I just ran.

[music ends]

[somber instrumental music playing]

[Higinio] People say you should learn

to forgive yourself.

That's not possible.

I'll never forgive myself.

I I I can honestly say that, um,

even talking about it now,

it's, it's hard.

[sobs]

[music fades out]

[birds chirping]

[gentle piano music playing]

[woman] Higinio turned himself in.

That's what it's all about.

Being accountable

and accepting responsibility

for what you've done.

Everybody thought I turned him in

'cause I'm the law-abiding parent, but no.

My son decided to turn himself in.

I'm proud of him for being accountable.

My name is Carmen Gonzalez.

And I'm Higinio Gonzalez's mother,

and he is my youngest son.

[music continues]

[birds chirping]

People don't understand.

Higinio was the baby.

He had dreams. He had good grades.

He was kind.

He was compassionate. He was the good kid.

The other kids, they went the wrong way.

So, of course,

when Higinio committed his crime,

I just I couldn't believe it.

I really went into a lot of emotional,

you know, denial and stuff,

but I think I lost them

because I was focused on survival

as a single parent.

And something that would have changed

my kids going into this life of crime

would have been

if I'd have picked a different father.

[ominous music playing]

Higinio's father was an ab*ser.

It was just so many years

of domestic violence and abuse.

I couldn't take it anymore.

So we moved here in 1992.

It was my chance to get away

from their dad and split up.

And then, it was two days later,

he showed up here.

So I really didn't get

any freedom in that.

[music fades out]

Eventually, he stayed here

and continued to be around my kids,

and to them, they just

I mean, he was their father.

They idolized him.

For all my kids, I was so busy struggling

as a single parent to survive.

I think I got lost in a sense of

not realizing that I was losing them.

But I do remember that Higinio

was not a problem child for me at all.

So when I heard the police

were investigating a sh**ting,

and it was a young kid that did it,

never did I think

that it was going to be my son.

[somber music playing]

He told me he did it.

He goes, "It was an accident, Mom."

"I swear to God it was an accident."

I jumped up, and I threw the chair

to the side, and I said, "Mm-mm."

"You couldn't have done that. Not you."

And I cried. And I was angry at him.

It was just too hard.

He cried, and he just kept telling me

he loved me,

and I I remember him sitting there

in that chair, just looking at me

with his big eyes.

I could just see how much

he knew he hurt me,

but he also

I could see how much he loved me.

[music continues]

[Carmen]

Then everything fell apart for me.

All I could think about

was he was too young

or, you know,

what was going to happen to him, and

You know, it's just like

my son had just died.

[birds chittering]

[music fades out]

[birds singing]

[Old West-style guitar music playing]

[man] My impression of Carmen Gonzalez

is that she is just

a stand-up quality person.

She was widely known as doing the best

that she possibly could do

to keep her family on the rails.

But I think that her recollection

is not quite correct.

She indicated that Mr. Gonzalez

turned himself in after this happened.

But she came to the police station.

She identified Mr. Gonzalez

as the sh**ter,

then the police went and got him.

He did not turn himself in.

[music continues]

My name is Joe Coble.

In 1996, I was a deputy

Yellowstone County attorney.

And at that time,

I prosecuted the Gonzalez case.

[music fades out]

I've handled a number of homicide cases.

This one really stays in my memory.

It was just so senseless,

and I think the community was shocked.

And I think the reason for that was

the clerk, Eric Pavilionis,

was an innocent man

who had no blame in any of this at all.

This was a guy who had four children.

[grimly somber music playing]

He had a full-time job,

and he worked in a convenience store

a couple of days a week

to help make ends meet.

He was doing everything

that he could for himself and his family,

and in the end, he was k*lled for it.

Mr. Gonzalez shot Eric

because he intended to sh**t him

from the beginning.

There was no reason to pull that trigger.

That did not have to happen.

Which makes it a prosecutor's job

to push for the maximum penalty.

Mr. Gonzalez was a juvenile,

but I still made the recommendation

that the court impose life sentence.

And if I were in the same shape today,

I would do the same thing.

I thought it was appropriate then.

I think it's appropriate now.

[music intensifies]

[music fades out]

[Joe] It's a heavy responsibility

to ask for the court

to impose the sentence

that you think is appropriate.

One family is going to lose a son.

But you have to look at these cases

from the standpoint

of one family lost a father.

[somber music playing]

So we got the maximum sentence possible,

but it doesn't restore that family.

It doesn't make them whole.

[music fades out]

[melancholic music playing]

And there's a picture

of Daddy on Christmas.

That was your guys'

last Christmas together.

[woman] After Eric was k*lled,

every hour was a struggle.

Going to memorial service

and having my children

draw pictures to send with him,

and they each picked out

[quavers]

one of their favorite toys

and their stuffed animals to send with him

so that way he wouldn't be scared

when he was sleeping.

[music continues]

He's missed all of them going to school.

He's missed every father-daughter dance,

every walk down the aisle.

I mean, he missed it all.

And they missed it all.

They missed sharing that with him.

Nobody should have to grow up

without their dad.

[music fades out]

[gentle music playing]

[Fran] Eric was 27 years old

when he was k*lled.

I had him in my life

for eight years and two days,

and we lived a lifetime

in those eight years.

I feel we made a life,

and then it was taken away.

[music fades out]

The first time I ever saw

Higinio Gonzalez at the courtroom,

I was expecting to see a monster.

I wasn't expecting

a nice, clean-cut young man,

but I felt like he did a very senseless,

unnecessary act.

So I wanted the punishment

to fit the crime.

I actually have to admit

I was shocked that he got life.

To me, that seemed like a lot,

but I think as a whole, we were very happy

with what the sentencing was

because it seemed to fit what we lost.

[gentle acoustic guitar music playing]

[Fran] I don't know that I really thought

about him throughout the years

because I've tried

to separate that part of life.

But a couple months ago,

when it was first reached out

to let us know

that this documentary was gonna happen,

I wondered why.

What does he want out of this, you know?

"Teen admits k*lling clerk."

"Claims the sh**ting was accidental."

"Convenience store clerk's k*ller

must serve at least 30 years."

[music continues]

What I think about

Higinio Gonzalez being paroled,

I feel that's up to

the judicial system to decide.

And if he goes up for parole,

I do believe that myself

and my children will attend just to hear

what he might have to say.

[music fades out]

[melancholic music playing]

[device clicks on]

[Higinio] You know, this whole time

of me being here,

you reflect on a lot of stuff,

and you reflect on a lot of the loss.

You know, I wish somebody

would visit me and tell me, "I love you."

You think about how long it's been

since I've had somebody to hug me.

And those are all things that, you know,

I want, but it comes with guilt.

And, uh

the reason why it comes with guilt

is because whatever I feel deprived of

I've done that to them.

I did that to his family.

I did that to his daughters.

And the reason

why I carry so much guilt is, uh

I'm still here.

But they'll never get a chance

to ever experience any of that again.

[device clicks off]

[exhales]

Not what I was expecting to hear.

I didn't think

he would take that on himself to feel

the importance of what he did

to my life and to my girls' life.

Not everybody would do that.

And he didn't have to.

But it still doesn't change what happened.

[music fades out]

[discordant violin music playing]

[motorcycle hums]

[music becomes rhythmic]

[man] Does my brother deserve

to pay for his crime? 100%.

There's no doubt.

But I don't think

his sentence was appropriate.

I just don't.

People say, "You're a monster,"

but nobody stops to think

what made us that way.

We became a product of our environment.

But it doesn't mean

that we can't be reached.

It doesn't mean that we're not worthy.

And it definitely doesn't mean

that we can't change.

My name is Jesse Gonzalez,

and Higinio Gonzalez

is my younger brother.

[motorcycle engine shuts off]

[music fades out]

[Jesse] We were a tight family,

but, you know, the things that you see

on TV for the "perfect family"

were nothing close to what we had.

Nothing.

So, my dad was a drug dealer

for a long time.

As we got older, me and my older brothers,

we were all selling drugs for my dad.

So it was easy for my little brother

to follow me into the streets,

into the gangs, into the drugs.

And then, there's no way out.

It's either prison or a body bag.

[tense music playing]

After my brother went to prison,

I had a lot of anger and hate

and animosity towards the world.

I directed it out

on anybody and everybody.

It was me and my older brothers,

and we got wrapped up into street life,

and and g*ng activity,

and stuff like that.

We were known for violence, drug dealing.

Anything and everything

that was in the streets criminal-wise,

we were known for it.

Out of everybody, I was the worst.

It just became

just like a snowball rolling downhill.

It just It got out of control.

[music stops]

[melancholic violin music playing]

[music fades out]

[birds singing]

[somber music playing]

Every Tuesdays and Thursdays,

they have a new bus

coming in with new inmates.

And Boggs, the officer

he looks in my room and he goes,

"I got a I got a roommate for you."

And I'm like, "Great."

And old Boggs looks at me.

He goes "You'll have a good time."

So I get up. I open the door.

And it's my brother's face.

[voice breaks, sobs]

[sobbing continues]

It was like we were five years old again.

We just ran.

Ran to each other and hugged.

[breath trembling]

[somber piano music playing]

We stayed up just drinking coffee

and eating candy. Just talking.

[sniffs]

Crying, reminiscing.

[sobs, quavers]

There was no violence. [sniffs]

No abuse. [sniffs]

We weren't walking on eggshells.

[sniffs]

Even though we were in prison

[chuckles]

those are the best memories I have.

[sobs]

[sobs]

We talked about change.

He would tell me

how he wishes he could take it back.

And I was still stuck

in being the tough guy and the cool guy.

And he would talk to me all the time.

"Why are you so hot-headed?

Why can't you talk things through?"

And his favorite line was,

"I'm doing enough time

for everybody in our family."

He said it so I would learn from

not just my mistakes, but his.

And he said it so I'd be a better man.

[music fades out]

[acoustic guitar folk music playing]

[Jesse] What's happening?

Good. Good.

After prison, life got better.

Right now, I own two flooring companies

and I own Junior's Pit Stop Auto Shop.

It's a body shop for cars,

and mechanics, and bikes.

Everybody that I hire

is usually a recovering addict,

or an ex-felon,

or somebody on probation or parole.

I honestly believe that sitting in prison

with my little brother

is why I am who I am today.

He changed his way of thinking,

and he pushed it on me.

I learned a lot from that kid.

And I've been around a lot of bad people.

None of them have the remorse,

the compassion, or the will to change

while they're in there

the way my brother has.

[motorcycle engine starts]

He went into prison,

he owned up to what he did,

and he's changed his life.

He's ready to start over.

[music fades out]

[dogs barking]

[ominous music playing]

[Joe] Deciding Mr. Gonzalez's parole

is not my decision.

It's not up to me, but I suspect

that a parole board should consider

whether he's taking

responsibility for his actions.

[device clicks on]

[Higinio] So, I remember

before I had gotten out of the car,

you know, I checked to see

if the g*n was loaded, and it was empty.

And I remember, uh, walking in the store.

And I never, like,

directly aimed and pointed at him

like you would if you were trying

to actually hit something.

I went to scare him

like I was gonna pull the trigger,

and I thought, "If I pull this trigger,

he's gonna hear it sh**t."

"But nothing's gonna happen,

but it's gonna scare him."

So I pulled the trigger.

And I remember it going off.

And I just ran.

I remember jumping in the car,

saying, "Why didn't you guys tell me

that there was a b*llet in this g*n?"

I was like, "I just shot that guy, man."

I didn't know they had put,

you know, one round in there,

and I didn't know that.

Because when they handed it to me,

I checked the magazine,

and I didn't think to check anything else.

[device clicks off]

[music fades out]

[Joe] What I just heard,

I had never heard before.

I reviewed the file from 1996,

and what was said then

is not what was

on the recording that I just heard.

He's questioned, "Do you know

how many b*ll*ts were in the g*n?"

His answer, "There was just one."

[tense music playing]

"I put the shell inside."

"I put the clip back in it,

then I looked at it, and I pulled

the little thing back and shut it."

Clearly, he put the b*llet in the g*n

and described having one b*llet.

And he never mentioned anything

about not knowing the g*n was loaded.

Also, he says that he never

pointed the g*n directly at the clerk.

Well, it's just not true.

[foreboding music playing]

When the police arrived at the store,

they found surveillance video

which showed the entire transaction,

and it was shocking.

Mr. Gonzalez points the g*n at Eric

and tells him to give him the money.

[Higinio] Hurry up!

- [Eric] Come take it.

- [Higinio] You do it, b*tch!

[Joe] Eric cooperated.

He tried not to be threatening.

He could have been on a training video

for how to handle a robbery.

[Higinio] Open up the safe.

[Eric] I don't have keys to the safe.

- I don't have the keys to the safe.

- I'm gonna pump a slug in your a*s, b*tch.

He tells Eric

that he's going to sh**t him,

which indicates to me that that's exactly

what he intended to do.

When he says that he was only trying

to intimidate the clerk,

that just doesn't match

what we see in that tape.

[music builds]

Mr. Gonzalez tries

to pull the trigger on that g*n.

The g*n doesn't fire.

Mr. Gonzalez turns the g*n

towards himself, looks at it,

finds the safety, turns it off,

and shoots Eric in the chest.

[g*nsh*t echoes]

[music fades out]

We see a man shot and k*lled,

and it's not Hollywood. It's real.

There's no way

that that can be an accident.

He clearly pulls the trigger

knowing that there's a b*llet in that g*n.

He admits that.

[somber instrumental music playing]

I suspect that he's been sitting in prison

for years, and years, and years,

and has told himself the same story

until he believes it.

But he's clearly not taking responsibility

for his actions.

He's clearly not accountable

for the things that he did,

and it appears as though he's just trying

to distance himself from his m*rder.

[birds chittering]

[music fades out]

[somber instrumental music playing]

[Higinio] I was 16 going on 17

when I committed my crime.

I pretty much thought my life was over.

And in the state of Montana,

there's no guaranteed parole.

I can be here for the rest of my life.

But I'm not who I was when I

You know, when I did what I did.

[birds chirping]

[music continues]

[Carmen] People don't understand.

Higinio was the baby.

He had dreams.

He had good grades. He was kind.

He was compassionate. He was the good kid.

Everybody thought I turned him in

'cause I'm the law-abiding parent, but no.

My son decided to turn himself in.

He decided to come back.

I'm proud of him for being accountable.

I didn't turn myself in.

My mom turned me in,

but she won't admit it

because I think she thinks that it's like

I'm gonna hate her or something.

I think that's what she's afraid of,

but I don't hold it against her.

I know how hard it was for her to do that.

And I think to this day,

she still doesn't wanna

come to terms with it.

And it's never gonna go away,

you know, the damage that I did.

[uneasy music playing]

[car engine starts]

[Higinio] I took somebody's life,

and it took a while to finally understand

how it made other people feel,

especially Eric's family.

And I think that's one of the main things

I wanna prove to everybody.

Regardless of how you grew up,

you can still change.

[Joe] He is clearly not taking

responsibility for his actions.

He's clearly not accountable

for the things that he did.

I reviewed the file from 1996.

Clearly, he put the b*llet in the g*n

and described having one b*llet.

He pulls the trigger knowing

that there's a b*llet in that g*n.

It appears as though he's just trying

to distance himself from his m*rder.

[music fades out]

I could have sworn that they loaded it.

But he's saying that I said that,

you know, that I loaded it.

Like, I honestly don't recollect

that part of it,

you know, of me saying

that I loaded the g*n.

[exhales]

I mean

I don't know right now. It's kind of like

I don't know, my head's in all kind of

different directions right now.

So I'm trying to, like,

wrap my mind around it.

I think that when I thought I could

pull the trigger that it would scare him

if he just heard the g*n, like, you know,

just dry fire, just hear it click.

To try and scare him,

you know what I mean?

And that was the intent. You know? But

Um

[sighs]

I don't know. Maybe

I think he's right.

I think he's right. I think I did know.

[somber music playing]

I think I did know,

and I just didn't wanna

I just didn't wanna come to terms with it.

I won't ever be able to heal properly

unless I face it.

You know,

so coming to terms with it is tough.

I don't like how it feels right now,

but it's probably something

that I needed to hear.

You know, I'm trying to

I'm trying to be the best me I can be.

And that that makes me feel

like I'm not even close.

[sighs]

[sniffs]

[somber orchestral music playing]

[music fades out]