05x01 - The One with Mr. Reason/Sense and Senselessness

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL 1: Is that that girl from gym class?

MOOSE: No, that's me.

GIRL 2: Oh. Who is she
and why does she have her own song?

PEPPER ANN: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

-Catch her if you can, Pepper Ann!
-Mini me.

[GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

Did you hear it, guys?

The first bell
of the new academic period.

No grade point averages,
no academic probations.

Just a wide open new semester.

It'll be a breeze.
I can feel it.

MILO: P.A., did you see
what we have first period?

No. Not woodshop with Mr. Reason.

[SCOFFS] Pepper Ann,
the stories can't possibly be true.

Hey, Nick, don't crush the dream.
Ever since your sister, Becky...

Becky... told us about Reason,

I've wanted to see
his grumpy, surly splendor in action.

Please, like how he once made
a misbehaving kid

whittle his desk into a jail cell?

Or how he made another kid faint
just by scowling really hard at him.

Or how he makes everyone use
every piece of machinery in the shop

at least once a week,
including the... lathe.

-Pepper Ann, he's only a teacher.
-Loosen up and sh**t the surl-curl, P.A.

Angry teachers, when kept
in proper perspective,

can be quite entertaining.

Yeah. Okay.

Loosen up. [EXHALES]

-[BELL RINGING]
-[WHISTLING]

-Last name?
-Pearson.

Sit down.

Pearson here wasn't watching
where she was jive walking,

and look what happened.

Next time, she might get her hand caught
in the dreaded lathe...

-[GASPS]
-...or she could be at the jigsaw,

and start dreaming
about some music video

and wind up with one of these.

[ALL GASPS]

During woodshop, you give
your full attention to whatever you do

or you will get injured.

PEPPER ANN: Okay.

It's just a sander.

I can do this.

Here we go.

-[YELPS]
-Just go ahead and sand, Pearson.

I'm just-- I just don't wanna wind up
with a hook.

You're not gonna wind up with a hook.

You've got your hands above the workpiece.
You've got your guards up

and you're already moving the board
to reduce the heat.

-I just...
-You can do this.

If people don't do what they can do,
I flunk them.

Understand? Now do it.

Good. No one flunks today.

[BELL RINGS]

Ugh. I do not care for that man.

Oh, thank Fuzzy, gym class is next.

Forget dodgeball.

Forget jumping on your little trampy.

We are training for the vice president's
physical fitness test.

Now, before the end of the semester,

all of you will climb
the giant rope,

and ring the average-sized bell.

Buffalo girl, won't you come out tonight?

Oh, music class.

No ropes to burn your dainty hands,

no belt sanders
to get your ponytail caught in.

Think only Dieter can do that?
Think again.

Each of you will be singing a solo
at an assembly

in front of the entire school.

Oh, for the love of Fuzzy.

Tell me this day can't possibly
get any worse.

[BELL RINGS]

Thus ends our regularly scheduled
school day, P.A.

It can't get any worse.

Yes. Oh, thank you.

Thank you. [KISSES]

CONSTANCE: Uh-oh,
one more kiss and you'll have to

to make that bell your date to the dance.

-Dance?
-We're having a Sadie Hawkins dance.

All the girls have to ask the boys.

My life is unrecyclable trash.

MR. REASON:
You're supposed to drill holes,

but you chose to nail
those dowels to the board. Why?

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

Because it was easier?

This place isn't about easy.

It's about right.

Going for what's easy
leads to a flabby mind,

unsafe napkin holders,
and may even lead you

to losing a pancreas
to the circular saw.

You want easy? Join the nap club.

You wanna challenge yourself
to something better?

Then get your rear in gear, Pearson.

Geez.
So I can't cope with woodshop.

I can cope with everything else.

Okay, kidlets,
training day three.

Now, who wants to take a shot at climbing
the big rope? Huh? Huh?

-Pearson?
-The big rope? Nope. Can't cope.

Gonna have to do it sometime, Pearson.

-How about you, Noah?
-Ow! My arm!

Hello! Would you like to sign a petition
to ban sudden shouting in our school?

-That's it!
-Everyone's against me.

I'll start a petition to have
shop dropped as a required class

so we won't have to take it anymore!

Pepper Ann, when you had your sit-in
to make the Cutie McGoodie boys,

the official band of the millennium,

I didn't say anything,
but this is about a class.

You simply can't...

Sign a petition to drop woodshop
as a required class.

Nicky, Milo, everyone in school,

and the guy who sells flautas
at the soccer game

signed the petition.

There's still a little room left
on the bandwagon for you.

No, thank you, Pepper Ann.

I choose to keep challenging myself
and striving for excellence

among the knotty pine.

Sorry, P.A.

I'm documenting his angriness
in a boxed set

I'm calling, "Raising the Roof
with Mr. Reason,

"the Surly Semester."

Prepare for the album's final cut.
Au Revoir woodshop. Bye-bye.

MR. REASON: Project inspection tomorrow.

I don't wanna see
any uneven edges, people.

-Mr. Reason, I wanted to tell you...
-Are you telling me or the floor?

Everyone in the school,
except Nicky and Milo,

signed this petition to have woodshop
dropped as a required class.

I'm gonna give it
to Principal Hickey today.

See you in the funny papers, kid.

You don't need a petition
to get rid of me.

You're quitting?

If they don't wanna learn,

I have a fishing boat
that needs attention

and I am due retirement.

PEPPER ANN: I can't believe it.

I shall be revered for ages ends.

For, I, Pepper Ann Pearson,
k*lled woodshop!

There is no way we are k*lling woodshop.

No way.

We have over 500 dollars invested
in new drill bits,

and three gross of tourniquets.

Now, who's supposed to teach the class,
the art teacher?

Yeah.

That works for me.

Oh, you'll have detention
until further notice.

I had to do what I had to do.

COACH DOOGAN:
Okey-dokey, people, training day four.

Who's climbing that big rope?

That'd be me.

[WHISTLING]

[BELL RINGS]

Where was I? Oh, I was about to say
how harsh Mr. Reason was

when he demanded we push ourselves.

It just had to be done.

He was making us face,
our deepest held fears,

-whether we thought we were ready or...
-[BELL RINGS]

Oh, hold on a sec.

Oh, I've been to Senegal

and I've seen Pompeii.

Mr. Reason's tough love ways

didn't make us more confident.

They just made us more scared.

-[SQUEALS]
-Hey, Craig,

have you heard
about the Sadie Hawkins dance?

-Believe it.
-So, should I pick you up at 7:30 or 8:00?

Seven, three, O.

[FINGERS SNAP]

Pepper Ann, what has happened to you?

You've turned into a confident,

rope-climbing, solo-singing,
dance-asking machine.

And you told Reason about the petition

fully aware of his churning tempest
of moodiness within.

You could have just given it to Hickey
behind his back.

Sure, that would have been easier,
but it isn't about easy.

It's about right.

Huh? Where's that from?

-Mr. Reason.
-Mr. Reason.

Are you sure it wasn't
from an episode

of Touched by a Highway
or Seventh Angel to Heaven?

-We're sure.
-We're sure.

Was it Mr. Reason who subtly
helped me develop

this current sense of self-confidence?

Your wife said you were here.

Turns out I had a couple more payments
on that fishing boat, so...

Huzzah and welcome, ye, to Burger Fortress

Hast thou tried our Frenches O'Fried?

I think I finally get
why you were being such a jerk sometimes.

What do you want, Pearson?

I came to apologize.

You helped give me the guts
to use belt sanders, and climb ropes,

and sing in front of the school,
and ask Craig Bean out, and...

Work up a petition
to make my job obsolete.

I was taking the easy way out.

Please. come back, Mr. Reason.

The petition didn't work.

They're still making woodshop
a requirement.

But the kids don't wanna take it.

I'm 62, kid.
I still have my dignity.

Huzzah, fair customer.

Shalt I fetch ye some mutton fingers?

I can't believe this.

You're the one taking the easy way out.

Listen, you want
the Frenches O'Fried or not?

-Not.
-Oh.

[MACHINE WHIRRING]

What?

You're kind of disrupting
the tranquility, P.A.

What's wrong with you, people?

We could be learning to work
with our hands and challenge ourselves.

And you would rather sit around
and stuff your face with banana tarts.

Have you tried these banana tart?

-MR. REASON: I'll have one.
-[ALL GASPS]

[GASPS, GROANS]

Bladdar, hit the road.

You're not Hemmingway
and this isn't a sidewalk cafe in Paris.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

Constance over there has raw sawing talent
that could blossom if she works at it.

Dieter, that boy could be another
Rolf Ubergarten,

master of wood hinges.

Milo, he may be the greatest shop sweep
the world has ever seen.

And Cissy, well, she's failing the class.

But the rest of you,
you all have such potential.

When I saw you trying to take
the easy way out, it...

it made me give up.

But then someone reminded me
that quitting is quitting.

I've never quit.

And I'm not gonna start now.

Speaking of quitters,
I talked to Hickey

and whoever can't stomach this class
can go off with Ms. Bladdar

and have a free period.

So, who wants the easy way out?

Cool.

All right, people.
We're gonna get started

on the toughest five-day project
you have ever seen.

All right. Yeah.

Great.

But first...

who's up for some Frenches O'Fried.

[CHEERING]

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

PEPPER ANN:
So if the dance is on the 18th,

then we need to have dates
in place by the 15th.

If I know Stewart,
he'll wanna have his schedule locked in

by the 12th at the latest.

Great! That gives you plenty of time
to coordinate your outfits.

-Now, how do I get Craig to ask me?
-What a drag it is for you, girls.

I mean, waiting around for a guy
to ask you to the dance.

Who's waiting? We're strategizing.

Exactly! You've gotta map out an entire
plan.

And there's still no guarantee
that the right guy will ask you.

All I have to do is walk up to a girl
and say,

"Yo, Spring Fling, Lupkin Park.
Pick you up at 8:00."

-Ah, it's good to be a man.
-GIRL: Hey, plainclothes.

I have something for you
from Joaquim Sanchez.

Who's Joaquim Sanchez?

He's a boy at my school.

He told me to give this
to the public school girl

who looks like Didi O'Shaunassy, okay?

"Hey, remember me?

"I just wanted to get in touch
with you again

"but I don't remember your name.

"Would you like to go get some pizza
with me sometime?

"Check one. Yes, no, maybe."

Should I go?

Oh, yeah.

My name is Pepper Ann.

I totally remember you.

And pizza sounds great.

[CLEARS THROAT]

NICKY: This might be a new development
in your Spring Fling strategy.

What if he asked you to the dance?

I don't know.
This wasn't a part of the plan.

Excuse me, ladies.
I'll leave you to your scheming.

My Spring Fling princess awaits.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hello. I'm Joaquim Sanchez.

Well hello, young man.

Pepper Ann is almost ready.

Please, come in.

-You must be Mrs. Pearson.
-Ow.

I'm Pepper Ann's Aunt Janie.

Joaquim's a Latino name, isn't it?

Uh-huh. My family's from Argentina.

Oh, how I love Argentina. The empanadas.

The Pampas.

The haunting cry of the Gauchos.

[HOLLERING]

They don't make that sound.

Hey, Joaquim.

Hey, Pepper Ann.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

That's my mom. She's driving.

Did you ask me out just because
I look like Didi O'Shaunassy?

Yeah. Pysch!

Actually, I asked you out
because from the moment I met you,

you've been haunting my dreams.

Oh, please.

[LAUGHS]

A Quacker Spaniel.

I get it. You're pretty funny, Joaquim.

Thanks for finding me.

Yeah. I hope we can do this again.

Buenas noches, señorita.

[CAR HORN HONKS]

Mom! I said just a second!

All right. Come on, keep breathing.

In through the nose,
out through the mouth.

In through the nose,
out through the mouth.

PEPPER ANN:
...and then he kissed my hand.

Well, he tried, but his mom started
flashing her high beams.

How... [PANTS] ...romantic.

Oh, hey, Pepper Ann. Wait up.

What's up, Bud?

I don't know if you heard
but the Monster Truck Rally

-is in town this weekend.
-I love the monster trucks.

Well, maybe you'd wanna go.

I was thinking it'd be,
you know, like a date.

-But you don't have to if you don't want.
-Cool.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Pearson, stop with the goo-goo eyes
and get back on the track.

-PEPPER ANN: All right. Cool.
-BUD: Yeah.

Sorry if I got you in trouble
with Doogan.

-Look, the SUV of Doom!
-It was no biggie.

She just made come to school early
and run laps.

Oh, yeah! Try and buff that out.

I hate getting up early.

Come on, Enormo,
knock 'em off their chassis.

Well, how was your date with the jock?

It was great, but I kind of feel guilty
because I also like Joaquim.

They're both great.

And then I feel bad about Craig
even though he hasn't called.

-Oh, by the way, Craig called.
-[GASPS]

Maybe he wanted to ask you out
on a date, huh?

-Oh, when it rains, it... pours.
-[PHONE DIALLING]

PEPPER ANN:
I just don't get it.

Why are all the guys
asking me out suddenly?

You have been carrying yourself
with a certain self-confidence as of late.

Men love it when a woman
is sure of herself.

Maybe they asked you because
all the other girls are taken.

Gwen Mezzrow turned him down.

Hey, it's her loss. I've regrouped.

And I'm going to ask someone else.

Just don't ask Pepper Ann.

She might get asked by three guys
to the dance.

Three guys.

Three guys? I can't have three dates.

Can I? No.
But how am I supposed to pick one?

Go with your heart, P.A.

You can never make the wrong choice
if you listen to this baby.

Of course, I went my heart
when I asked Gwen Mezzrow.

And what good did it do you?

The heart is fickle and not to be trusted.

The intellect must rule
if you want to make a wise choice.

But how?

I found that most of life's answers
are in books.

[SNORING]

-[SHUSHES]
-[SIGHS]

This isn't working.

Wow! You look great.

Is it Singles Night at the synagogue?

Nope. I met this one at traffic school.

You're not the only one going on dates.

Oh, la, la. Runs in the family.

[GASPS]
Mom, he's picking you up in a limo.

Yes. He's a driver. [CHUCKLES]

Well, there's Beefy Shingles
in the fridge if you get hungry.

Bye!

How did Mom get so good
at this dating stuff?

"Men are like cars, vroom, vroom,

"they're big and strong
and stay in the garage.

"Women are like tennis,
their favorite word is love

"but you have to play it by the rules.

"To see if a man really likes you,

"make him do things he hates."
Hmm.

"Like the knights of yore.

"A man will fight for his lady to the end
if he's truly worthy of her affection."

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[CRASHING]

Cool.

NICKY:
She's the fourth girl he's asked.

Well?

[MIMICS PLANE CRASH SOUND]

Do you want us to find you a girl?
I have a cousin...

I can get my own dates,
thank you very much.

At least I don't have to wait around
forever to get asked like you guys.

I asked Stewart two days ago.

Hey, do you wanna go out again?
I thought we could grab a burger.

Uh...

What are you waiting for?
Make him do something he hates.

Let me just check my schedule.

Oh, all I've got open is Wednesday
at 5:30 AM.

Breakfast okay?

[LAUGHS] That's pretty funny.

[LAUGHS]

Oh. It's not a joke?

Peppie, Bud is here for your date.

[GASPS]

Hey!

[YAWNING]

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

PEPPER ANN: "Rule number three,

"an interested man doesn't mind
sweating a little for his lady."

Oh look, someone's giving away dumbbells.

"Rule number five,

"a man in love doesn't mind
attending boring artistic events for you."

What is this? They're not doing
any jumps or spins or anything.

Yeah, isn't it artistic?

"Rule number 32,

"if a man really likes you,

"he isn't afraid
to let out his child within."

Hey, isn't it cool?

I think you should wear it
to school tomorrow.

Tessa and Vanessa have dates.

Constance has a date.

Moira, the lunch lady's
waxing her legs that night.

[SIGHS] Being a man stinks.

Well, any minute now, the man of my dreams
is gonna ask me to the dance.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Hey, guys! Your T-shirts look so sweet.

-It's not my size.
-Me neither.

Not cool, Pearson.

Not cool.

NICKY: Oh, la, la.

Maybe I should've paid closer attention
to rule 42.

"Make sure the men you're dating
don't run into each other

"and realize that you've been testing them
with a bunch of rules."

[GASPS] Pepper Ann, you didn't.

You told me to get a book.

Besides, why would my mom
have the book if it didn't work?

My mom has it, too.
They've been discussing gender stereotypes

and pop psychology
in their Adamant Eve women's group.

-Oh.
-I'm sorry, Pepper Ann.

I forgot to warn you
not to believe everything you read

even if it is in a book.

There's just no substitute
for critical thinking.

Well, I guess I'd better go start
groveling.

Hello, Joaquim,
I just called to apologize...

-[DIAL TONE]
-Hello? Hello?

Bud! Whoo-hoo. Bud! Bud!

Okay, Dad. Here's what I wanted to say.

"I'm sorry, Craig.

"I tried to follow some stupid rules
in a book to make you like me.

"I guess you can't believe everything
you read.

"I just hope you can find it in your heart
to forgive me."

[DOORBELL RINGS]

-PEPPER ANN: You're late.
-I had to go to three different places

because you wanted
this floral abomination.

[LAUGHS] That thing is as big as my head,
I am not wearing it.

Oh yes, you are.

Oh, don't you two look precious.

Smile for the camera.

All the girls who said
they were washing their hair

are out there, mocking me.

Even Moira!

Her legs don't looked waxed to me.

I'm sorry I'm such a drag, Milo.

It's okay. You're better than nobody.

No, I'm not. I'm never gonna get
this dating thing right.

[SIGHS]

I should just give up
and go home right now.

Okay. Later.

Hey, Milo, wanna dance?

I thought you were busy tonight.

I had to wait for you to ask me out again,

because that's what the book said,
but you didn't.

What's wrong with you?
Aren't you like a car?

What does the book say about this?

Vroom, Vroom.

Hey, Pearson.

-Wanna dance?
-You're not mad at me anymore?

How could I stay mad at a girl
who apologizes on a blimp?

Just don't buy me anymore T-shirts.

PEPPER ANN: Deal.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONCLUDES]