05x02 - Dear Debby/Reality Bytes

[bunniefuu]

SINGER: Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

SINGER:
Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-SINGER: Pepper Ann!
-SINGER: Pepper Ann!

SINGER: Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-SINGER: Pepper Ann!

SINGER: Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

BOY: No, that's me.

GIRL: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

BOY: Did someone take my lunch?

SINGER: Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

The black velvet fuzzy painting
I've always wanted.

Get out of my face, see?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MILO: Booyah, right on.
Come to papa.

You know, someone should really do
something about Moira's cooking.

Tastes like yard.

I mean, it's fine if she wants to inflict
this kind of cruel and unusual punishment

on her own family,
but we're not even related.

You know what, Milo?

I'm gonna make a difference,
starting today.

Kindly serve food

that doesn't make me hurl.

So, what's new and exciting
in the wonderful world of HMS?

Boring, boring, boring, and boring.

-You know what this paper needs?
-Weekly canasta tips?

No.

Well, maybe.
But I was thinking of an advice column,

a column dedicated to making a difference
in people's lives.

And I could write it.

PA, Moira must have taken your suggestion

because this coleslaw is a mouthful
of crispy, crunchy goodness.

See? I'm on a roll today.

I'm making a change.

Pepper Ann, need I remind you
of the last time you ventured

into the advice-giving arena?

PEPPER ANN:
Trust me, just have a nurse look at it.

The last thing you want is to have people
calling you "Hangnail Pete."

PETE: Thanks for the tip.

Hey, it was an honest mistake.

You know how hard it is
to read those big balloon letters.

Trust me, Nicky,
this time I'm doing my research.

LYDIA: So help me it will be a mocha
international fat-free coffee morning.

I know, Aunt Lydia, try hitting it.

LYDIA: Come on.

MOOSE: I call comics, automotive,
and the style section.

I hear gray is the new black.

The "Dear Debby" page.
That's all I'm after.

-Why?
-I've decided to dedicate my days

to helping the helpless at HMS.

So, I'm brushing up
on what the expert has to say.

[LAUGHS]

Remember what happened
the last time...

Yes, run along.

PEPPER ANN: "Dear Debby,
I don't know where else to turn.

"I just feel so alone lately.

"My son seems to pay attention
to anyone but me."

I know, try kicking it.

PEPPER ANN: "And my husband
doesn't even notice me anymore.

"Unless I happen to be holding
the coffee pot."

[YAWNS] Morning all.

We ran out of tofu coffee at home
and wouldn't you know it?

Janie's nowhere to be found.

Probably out on one of her walks.
[SNICKERS]

PEPPER ANN: "I have nowhere to turn.
My empty days are spent alone.

"I've taken to walking the streets
aimlessly talking only to myself."

I got to--I haven't even gone to the mall.

Buy a new coffee maker in an hour.

Cheap piece of...

PEPPER ANN: "Even my own sister
is completely oblivious to my pain.

"I feel so alone.
What should I do?

"Signed, need to be needed
in a more needful way." [GASPS]

This letter is from Aunt Janie.

Dear Debby, don't fail her now.

"Dear Needful, don't be so sensitive.

"It's probably just a phase.

"Make sure to buy my book
on gardening tips in stores this January."

Sensitive?
Just a phase? Gardening tips?

What kind of c*ck advice is that?

I must find Aunt Janie.
I must give her something

far more valuable
than a lousy piece of advice.

I must give her the gift of me.

Just as soon as I play
one game of Crunch Pod.

NICKY: But, Pepper Ann, I thought
you were going to spend the weekend

gearing up for the launch
of your new advice column?

Advice, ad-schmice.

Words are no substitute
for actually being there.

Aunt Janie is suffering
and I'm the only one who can save her.

Aunt Janie.

I'm coming for you.

JAINE: Now, let's see.
Environmentals meeting, check.

Pick up chemical-free dry cleaning, check.

Aunt Janie. Thank Fuzzy.

-I've been looking for you everywhere.
-You have?

Of course I have.

Man, it feels like it's been ages.

When's the last time we chilled?
I mean, really chilled.

I don't know.
Day before yesterday?

[LAUGHS]

You're a riot, Aunt Janie.
You really are.

You know, your humor is one of the things
that makes you so special.

Oh, well, I really should get back
to my errands.

Yeah. Right. Errands.

We've got some serious catching up to do
and I've got our whole weekend planned.

You may not know this, but I need you.

I need you do, too,
Pepper Ann,

-but I should...
-No.

I mean, I really need you.

[GULPS]

PEPPER ANN: So I said I don't make
the rules, honey. I just break 'em.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, would you look at the time?
This really has been some fun.

-But I should be getting home now.
-But our fun's just starting

and you haven't even finished
your ice cream soda.

Delicious.

Head rush.

Pick up where we left off tomorrow?

You betcha.

PEPPER ANN:
And she has one with my face on it.

-What a hoot.
-You really do seem to be getting

a lot of gratification out of your work
with your Aunt Janie.

I'm guessing this is how Mother Teresa
must have felt.

Maybe even more gratification
than your needy Aunt.

What do you mean?

Pepper Ann, I'm all for your quest
to make a difference.

But is it possible
that you were just looking for a project

that maybe she doesn't actually need
your help?

PEPPER ANN: Nicky, Nicky, Nicky,
don't worry.

There's plenty more help
in where this came from.

I'd be happy to take you on

just as soon as I finish up
with Aunt Janie.

I don't need you
to take me on, Pepper Ann.

If you could have seen that poor thing
wandering the streets aimlessly.

If you could have seen
the look of gratitude on her face

when I told her
I had our whole weekend planned.

Why, I'm the best thing
that ever happened to that woman, Nicky,

or my name isn't...

JANIE: Pepper Ann!

It's five o'clock in the morning.

I just wanted to be the first in line
to spend time with my auntie.

Let me go change out of my robe.

You're the best.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[GROANS]

[PEPPER ANN HUMMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS]

MAN: Say "sarsaparilla," ladies.

Sarsapa... [SCREAMS]

PEPPER ANN: Oh, and this is the first
sleep over that Milo and I ever had.

Who knew then that the constant grinding
of his teeth would grow to be a familiar

and soothing lullaby?

I just had a terrific idea.

Did you wanna call Milo and have
a sleepover with him? Right now?

Please.
I want you to spend the night.

-I couldn't possibly.
-We could tell ghost stories,

braid each other's hair,
and watch Betty Davis movies.

It'll be very healing. Please, Janie?

I wouldn't ask you
if I didn't really need you.

It was nothing I wouldn't do
for any friend in need.

I hardly deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.
Really, I'm not worthy.

Yeah, right, wise guy.
You twisted my arm.

-Come on back and give me that thing.
-WOMAN: Go, Pepper Ann!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[MUMBLES]

[LAUGHTER]

No! Please stop!

Oh, Aunt Janie,
you're the best.

[GASPS, PANTING]

Must...escape...Pepper Ann's affection.

Good morning, Aunt Janie.
Gone, she's gone.

Peppie? What's going on?

Aunt Janie, she's been suffering
with profound feelings of neglect.

She's totally and utterly alone.
Look, it's all in this article.

-Are you sure about this, Peppie?
-PEPPER ANN: Sure I'm sure.

Haven't you noticed the change
in your own sister?

Well, I did think it was a little weird

that she was spending
all that time with you. But no offense.

Aunt Janie is very needy
right now, Mother.

We have to find her
before she does something drastic.

Janie?

Janie?

Aunt Janie?

-Aunt Janie?
-Aunt Janie?

Janie?

Yoo-hoo!

Janie?

We've looked everywhere.
I don't know where else she could be.

LYDIA: Well, that's odd.
Look, her car, it's in the driveway.

PEPPER ANN:
Then why won't she answer the door?

What's that hideous smell
emanating from within?

-Now let's not jump to conclusions.
-I'm going in.

Unhand her, you tyrants.

Pepper Ann, the trio is merely engaging
in some wholesome family fun

intended for adults
and children ages six and up.

-But the horrible smell...
-That's just my cheese.

[LAUGHTER]

Well, you all seem to be getting along
just fine.

Yeah. After the way Pepper Ann
was hogging my mom for the past few days.

We're kind of glad to have her back.

That's right, honey.
Your boys need you here at home.

-So you see, Pepper Ann, I...
-You don't need to thank me.

My work here is done.
This house is clean.

And Aunt Janie,

if you ever have another problem
like this one,

don't bother going to Dear Debby.

You can always come directly to me.

How did she know about my letter
to Dear Debby?

I just sent it this morning.

"Dear Debby,
I don't know where to turn.

"My niece, let's call her Salt Ann,
is driving me crazy.

"She's so needy.

"She takes up every ounce of my free time.

"I haven't seen my son or husband in days.

"I want my own life back.
What should I do?"

Oh, man.

That Salt Ann sounds like a freak.

PEPPER ANN: Ten seconds till spring break.

Nine seconds till spring break.
Eight seconds till spring break.

Check it, those aboriginal
Mack daddies in Australia

strap their stuff on the walkabout.

They walk about through the wilderness
hoping to find themself.

-[BELL RINGS]
-Freedom!

Like your papers will find my desk
the Monday you get back.

Hasta la hola.

I can't believe he'd do this to us.

This is totally gonna ruin our plans
for the nature hike.

Hey, we should make our vacation hike
our own personal walkabout

a total test of endurance.

Just us against the elephants.

Don't you mean the elements?

No, I mean the elephants, big ones.

Aren't you guys listening?

The sanctity that is our spring break
is being cruelly violated.

Pepper Ann, we've known about this
tribal customs assignment for a week.

I channeled an ancient
Mesopotamian artisan.

While I examined the effects
of pushy tourists

on the American Indians of Santa Fe.

You guys are done?

Why didn't you call me so we could all
work on our papers together?

-We did.
-Twelve times.

Got you. The library, six o'clock, got it.

You guys, I said I'll be there.

Sheesh. I'm low in health.

I need a first aid kit.

One more game.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I guess I'll just have to hit
the old encyclopedia

and nail this thing tonight.

[LAUGHS]

That's hilarious, Pepper Ann.

Oh, you're serious?
Why don't you use your computer?

The internet is a virtual cornucopia
of information.

I thought it was just a way to send
lame jokes and junk mail to your friends.

Besides, our computer is so slow.

Sounds like you need to amp up your modem
and monkey with the motherboard.

What's the point?

Call you tomorrow when the homework's done
and the communing with nature begins.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

PEPPER ANN: Tiny Tush in 20 Days?

Mom, what happened to the encyclopedias?

I needed the shelf space
for my self-help book club.

Besides, Peppie, those old reference books
were so out of date.

But I've got to write a paper tonight.

-Why don't you use the internet? It's...
-Slow.

Not anymore.

I got a free modem upgrade
for test driving that electric car.

Now the computer's fast.

Certainly faster than that car and bigger.

-Really?
-LYDIA: Oh, sure.

I also purchased child-safe
blocking software

so that you and Moose
could use it to your heart's content

and I wouldn't have to worry.

Well, I guess I'll give it a try.

Vamos, Moose, I got research to do.

Just checking my stocks.

She's all yours.

COMPUTER: Welcome.

Tribal customs.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is so cool.

Download 'Snot My Problem',
the latest from Flaming Snots?

Wow. Even Milo hasn't heard this yet.

Ten minutes? Okey-doke.
Let's check in on the Hazelnut Streetcam.

I wonder if PA's finished
her homework, yet?

I don't know. I've been trying to call her
but the phone's been busy for hours.

I hope that means she's online
doing research.

You have a strange feeling
like we're being watched?

This rocks.

LYDIA: Peppie, time for din-dins!

I'm not hungry.

Peppie, you missed dinner
so I thought I'd bring it up to you.

It's Lydia's delicious lamb kebabies.

PEPPER ANN:
Just slide it under the door, please.

-Are you still skiing the web, Peppie?
-PEPPER ANN: It's amazing.

My emails, webpage,
and newsgroup postings

are going out to millions of people
all over the world.

Peppie, you're not supposed to talk
to strangers,

whether they be live or on the internet.

They're not strangers.
They're my best friends.

Well, Nicky and Milo were here to see you.

Who?

COMPUTER: Incoming message from Mayax.

PEPPER ANN: I've got to disagree, Mayax.

I think Aqua Fuzzy's Bubble Parade

is 20 times funnier than
Fuzzy Wants a cr*cker.

But maybe a lot's lost in translation
to Eskimo.

[NICKY CLEARS THROAT]

Pepper Ann, are you ever
going to finish your paper?

You haven't left the house in two days
and we're running out of spring break.

What about all the nature commonage?

I'd love to chat about it.
Drop me an E.

Hey, Peppie, Crazy Twin Shenanigans is on.

I can't talk right now.
I'm busy communicating.

Okay, but you're missing the one
where they get stuck in an elevator

with a pregnant woman
and comic hilarity ensues.

I already downloaded the script
and posted my review.

It was LOL.

Now, could everybody please
leave me alone?

I'm riding the wave
of the information superhighway.

[SCREECHES]

[DOOR BELL DINGS]

Is she off the computer yet?

No. And I'm not Fl*ttening any more
out food for her.

This is officially getting out of hand.

Pallor.

No, not the sun.

[HISSING]

LYDIA: Peppie, this is for your own good.

What are you doing?

Instead of using the internet,
you've let the internet use you.

You have a problem, Pepper Ann.

Problem?
I don't have a problem.

I can quit at any time.

[SCREAMS]

From now on, this computer
is going to be set up downstairs

where I can keep an eye on you.

Besides, I haven't been able to use
the phone for days.

And I'm dying to hear
how Grandma's mole removal went.

It's time to reacclimate you
into normal society, Pepper Ann.

We're taking you to the mall.

Without a laptop?
Are you nuts?

MILO: I am totally stoked for our hike.

Hey, who's in charge of the bottled
H2O?

The aborigine
does not have the luxury

of designing water on his walkabout
and neither should we.

It's been eight minutes
since my last online communication.

My email buddies
are probably wondering where I am.

What if they think I've been kidnapped?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Don't do it.
You're out of control.

Relax. I'm just gonna have
a teensy weensy little peek.

[GASPS] Powdered ahi, vegetables,
and chai, just add water.

Extreme tentage,
it fits in your pocket

then inflates to sleep six.

"Note, do not activate in pocket."

Where's Pepper Ann?

Oh, no.

GIRL: What I don't get is how the vampires
learned kung-fu.

Cosmic Trek Versus Galaxy Raider.

Netizen, please.

I found my tribe.

-[BOTH GASPS]
-PEPPER ANN: I'll take these and this.

And the glide browser joystick,

-come to mama.
-Pepper Ann, this has gone too far.

Tomorrow's the last day of spring break
and here you stand

ready to purchase a truckload
of useless whatsits and whozingers.

Useless?

Check out this suction cup bud vase.

It suctions a bud vase to any surface.

It's becoming quite evident
that you have no interest

in going with us on this walkabout.

You'd prefer to fritter away
your spring break

chatting with your internet chums.

Well, my internet chums aren't so bossy.

If you want all your friendships
to be transmitted to you

via electronic blips, so be it.

But count me out, sister.

MILO: Me, too, sister.

You're k*ll filing me? Fine.

Who needs you?

You do, they're your friends.

Come on.
You know what you have to do.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I feel so alive.

Only in nature,
away from the trappings of technology

can one truly find oneself.

And you thought I wouldn't show up.

I'm sorry, Pepper Ann,
I'll never doubt you again.

Look, a bunny.

PEPPER ANN: That is so cute.

Isn't nature wonderful?

This is all your fault.

I have no idea what's going on.

Oh, what are you doing?

[SCREAMS]

Why do I have to be the pig?

I look pretty cute.

[BEEPING]

[SCREAMS]

No!

[GASPING]

Now, are you ready to admit
you have a problem?

Uh-hmm.

Put down the joystick.
Come on, put it down.

[GRUNTING]

-COMPUTER: Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

Well, I guess I better
return all this stuff

and buy back my mega blades.

This craggy bar
has all your nutritional needs

for a full year and only 350 calories.

PEPPER ANN: Hey, guys, wait up.

I'm here for our walkabout.

Well, look what the mouse dragged in.

Okay, I admit it, I got a bit
carried away with the internet.

But no matter how great technology is,

it's still no substitute
for real human interaction.

Forgive?

Of course.

So did you finish your assignment?
After all, it's due tomorrow.

Finito.

It's called Mayax,
one Eskimo girl's journey

from sixth grader to pop culture critic.

At least I got some good information
from the internet.

Look, a bunny.

[SCREAMS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]