05x07 - Spice of Life/Alice Kane Went Down to Calcutta

[bunniefuu]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Who's that girl?
What's her name?

Is she cool?
Is she lame?

Oh, you're talking about what's her name

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Is she lame? Is she cool?

Is she breaking every rule?

Is she anybody's fool?

-Pepper Ann!
-Pepper Ann!

Pepper Ann! Pepper Ann!
Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann, she's like one in a million

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade

Catch her if you can
Pepper Ann!

-BOY: Who?
-GIRL: Is that that girl from gym class?

BOY: No, that's me.

GIRL 2: Who is she and why does she have
her own song?

BOY 2: Did someone take my lunch?

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Marching in her own parade

Pepper Ann
She's like one in a million!

Pepper Ann!
Pepper Ann!

Much too cool for seventh grade
No one's cooler than Pepper Ann!

She's her own biggest fan, Pepper Ann!

Scuff marks! I can't show them to you
'cause I can't pick 'em up.

Doesn't this violate child labor laws?

Come on, selling spices isn't that hard.

I thought you'd be all over
this fundraiser for new textbooks.

Oh, I'm all for new books,
but we have a Buy New Books fundraiser

every semester
and I've yet to see any new books.

Where are the books?

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

I don't mind fundraisers,

as long as they don't call 'em
fun-raisers.

That just bugs.

I just wanna win the grand prize.

The student who sells the most spices wins
an entire set of life size

Cutie Magootie Boys Standees
that were made before Tyler left the group

to launch his unsuccessful solo career!

-They will...
-DIETER: ...be mine!

Oh, c'mon, Dieter!

You won the Crazy Twin Shenanigans

Tina and Gina standees
in the last fun-raiser.

And ze girls need company.

We made an agreement, Lederhosen.
East of Cashew Creek is my territory.

Okay, okay. I will leave if...

if you go sell some paprika
to Old Lady Groober.

Zey say she is ze meanest old lady alive
and her house is haunted.

Haunted, haunted, haunted.

Okay, I'm through.

I'm not going up there
and not because the house is haunted

but because I've tried to sell
Old Lady Groober stuff every year

and she's never bought one thing from me,
ever!

Hi, I'm Pepper Ann Pearson
from Hazelnut Elementary School.

-How are you today?
-I don't want your crazy seeds!

-Hi, I'm Pep...
-I don't want your crazy magnets!

I don't want your crazy...

whatever!

Okay, I didn't realize
zat you were a chicken!

I am not a chicken!

[MIMICS CHICKEN CLUCKING]

Okay, okay, I'll do it.

[MAKES SOUND]

Okay, I'm through.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[PEPPER ANN SCREAMS]

I was wondering when your skinny face
was gonna show up on my doorstep again.

What crazy garbage are 'ya hawkin' now?

Fine! You don't have to buy anything,
but would it k*ll you to be nice for once?

PRINCIPAL HICKEY: Attention students.
I'd like to thank all of you,

well, most of you for participating
in our most recent fun-raiser.

And our grand prize winner
is Pepper Ann Pear...

Where are they?
Where are my Cutie Magootie Boys?

You can pick them up tomorrow.

Vera's in charge of the prizes
and she's out today.

Her mother passed away.

Vera's mother?
Wow.

She must have been old.

I mean really, really, really old.

Well, they didn't call her
Old Lady Groober for nothing.

Would it k*ll you to be nice for once?

[GASPS]
What have I done?

Pearson, quit mumbling
and get back to class.

I've got work to do.

NICKY: Wow, that's really sad
about Vera's mother, isn't it?

You wonder what it was that finally
nudged her on to that great,

big scary old house in the sky.

-It was you!
-It was you!

It was you!

PODS: It was you!
It was you!

It was you!

It was me!

I k*lled your mother!

The last words I said to her were,
"Would it k*ll you to be nice for once?"

and it did!

-[SOBS]
-[CHUCKLES]

I must have told her that 10 times a day
for the last six decades.

-You did?
-Honey, it wasn't your fault.

My mother was a hundred
and fourteen years old.

She lived a long, long,
happy and full life.

-A hundred and fourteen?
-You know, Pepper Ann, I'd be honored

if you'd say a few words
at her memorial service.

Me?

My mother used to talk
about how she loved it

when the neighborhood kids
would stop by to sell stuff.

"Those kids hawkin' their crazy wares
keep me young,"

she'd always say.

See you Friday at 3:00.

What in the world am I going to say
at that memorial service?

I don't know anything
about Old Lady Groober

except that I didn't like her.

CUTIE MAGOOTIE BOYS:
Old Lady Groober

You hardly knew her

So you better ask around

Ooh-ooh-ooh-bop!

Everybody's got a story

A side you haven't seen

Especially when they live
To be one hundred and fourteen!

Ooh-ooh-ooh-bop!

Ask around, huh?

Old Lady Groober?

Well, let me tell you
she is the worst neighbor

I have ever had the misfortune
to live next door to.

-Well, she died yesterday, and...
-[GASPS] She died?

Oh, that poor, dear, dear, old woman.

But I thought you said
she was a terrible neighbor.

I meant terribly wonderful.

...and you can tell Old Lady Groober
that Old Lady Nelson says

she can keep her collectible frog plates!

Well, that might be hard.

You see Old Lady Groober
passed away and...

Oh, that poor dear, dear old woman.

-NUN: A-16.
-MAN: Bingo!

Oh, that poor, dear, dear old woman.

Mom, you just said Old Lady Groober
was bitter and mean

and should have
her driver's license revoked.

Peppy, please, I would never speak ill
of the dead and neither should you.

...and so we say good-bye to dear,
dear Mrs. Groober,

the most caring, and kind
and beloved member of this community.

OLD LADY GROOBER:
Liar! Beloved, my behind!

You didn't even like me!

That was the biggest load of hooey
I've ever heard!

And I still don't want your crazy magnets!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

But everyone else didn't like you either,
but when they found out you died

they all acted like you were a saint!

-I...
-It's called hypocrisy,

and me and my crew
are gonna bust a song for you.

That's right, yeah.

Hyp, hyp, hyp, hypocrisy

You're not being straight with me

You're thinking one thing brother

But you're saying the other

Hyp, hyp, hyp, hypocrisy!

No, no, no!

That was just a nightmare.

It was just a nightmare

So grab your Fuzzy teddy bear...

What am I going to do?
The memorial service is this afternoon!

If I say something nice,
does it make me a hypocrite

'cause I didn't even like
Old Lady Groober?

Or is it more important to honor someone
who's passed away?

Mom, what should I say?

Peppy, Vera asked you to speak.

Just listen to your heart.
What do you want to say?

Thanks, Mom.

Mom was no help!
What should I say?

All I know is that I was always afraid
of Old Lady Groober.

I'd cross the street
when I got near her house.

I always envied her ominous moniker,
Old Lady Groober.

It's weird.
I still cross the street by her house

even though I know she's not there.

Hey, could you guys start calling me
Old Man Kamalani?

That does it.
I'm gonna tell Vera I can't do it.

Vera?
Can I talk to you?

-Do you mind carrying this up for me?
-[CATS MEOWING]

I have to feed my mother's cats.

Okay, the thing is, I don't think...

VERA: You'd never believe
how those cats ended up here.

You see my mother had this gripe
with the cable TV guy.

Nice fella but...

And then there was the time,
my mother thought the sparrows

were plotting to...
Oh, look at me going on like this.

You came here to tell me something
and I've been yakkin' non-stop.

[LAUGHS]

It's just my mother,

she was one of a kind.

So, what did you want to tell me?

Just that I'll see you
at the memorial service.

MINISTER: I'd like to thank you all
for coming today,

to pay tribute to Mrs. Edna Groober.

And now, Pepper Ann Pearson
would like to say a few words.

I don't know how many of you
knew Mrs. Groober very well,

but I do know that everyone in Hazelnut
knew who Old Lady Groober was.

And everyone was sad to hear
that she had died.

I think Hazelnut kind of hoped
she'd live on that hill forever

in that house that might be haunted.

I know I kind of did,
even though she never bought anything

from me for school fundraisers.

Hazelnut will never forget
Mrs. Edna Groober.

She was truly one of a kind.

Hey girl, don't dump me like the trash.

Quit singing!

Vera, hello!

Thanks again for your frank,
yet kind words

at the memorial service, Pepper Ann.

-Mom would have hated anything too sappy.
-You're welcome.

I came by to tell you that
you were mentioned in my mother's will.

Apparently she admired
the way you always tried to sell her stuff

even though she didn't buy anything.

It showed spunk.

So, she made a donation
to charity in your honor.

Wow. I guess you really never know
about people, huh?

CUTIE MAGOOTIE BOYS:
People are like books

You can't judge 'em by the cover...

Ah-ha! I knew it!

You're using the fundraiser money
to line your own pockets.

You make me sick, Principal...

-The books! But the car...
-Oh, that.

Well, Old Lady Groober left it to me.

I was like a great, great grandson to her.

Principal Hickey, when I said sick,
I meant that in a good way.

Can I help you carry these in?

So, as you can see,
the one cell has divided

into two genetically identical
daughter cells...

PEPPER ANN: She never shuts her yap.

Why won't she just shut her yap?

I'm squishing your head, Alice Kane.

[LAUGHING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[BELL RINGING]

ALICE KANE:
We need to talk, P. Ann.

PEPPER ANN: [GASPS]
She must've heard me squishing her head.

That's impossible...

-Hey! What in the...
-Of course she heard you!

You're always talking to yourself
like some lonely old coot.

You better watch that mouth of yours,
sister!

Who's gonna make me?

-ALICE KANE: Pepper Ann?
-[SHRIEKS] Yes.

Perhaps we could talk over
an ice cream cone at the Freezy Pleezy.

My treat, of course.

Pepper Ann, I realize that
for several years now

there's been an unspoken animosity
between us.

Oh no, I speak about it all the time.

Just the other day I was telling Nicky
how annoying you...

Yes. The point is,
we haven't exactly been friends,

and I think it's time to change that.

Think about it.
We're both so smart and pretty.

If we'd just quit competing
and start communicating,

I think that together,
you and I could change the world.

...and then she hugged me.

There's not a "kick me" sign on my back,
is there?

P.A., can't you be working
through this with Nicky?

I'm communing with my muse,
and she's kinda... Hold on.

She's my friend.

She is not oafish,
she's just a little awkward.

-I'll just leave you...
-Forget it.

My muse has deserted me
like a full bellied buzzard

who has picked a carcass clean.

Good riddance if you ask me.
Alice Kane has no reason to lie.

Just smile and nod
and reap the free cone-age.

Or maybe she does have a reason to lie.

Maybe she's got a devious plan
to one up me.

A huge devious...

Maybe I'll go work this
through with Nicky.

...and then she said
that she's always respected,

even feared me.

I think it's nice that Alice Kane
is making an effort to...

Making an effort to finally win!

Her charitable bid for friendship
is nothing but a vicious ploy...

No! I don't think you should jump
to that kind of conclusion...

-MAN: I'll take the bran...
-...to conclude this bitter rivalry

-once and for all.
-MAN: Can I...

This time it's personal!

Raisins.

She does this every time!

Oh, sorry.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Hey, what's up?
Good.

Had a touch of the flu last week
and it hurt my rugby game.

Peppie, phone.
It's Alice Kane.

Are you crazy?

All communication must be initiated by me
to prevent the conversation

from being taped and re-edited
to suit Alice Kane's diabolical purposes.

Peppie, you're being paranoid.

Alice Kane is up to something, Moose,

but I've found a way
to beat her at her game.

Always remember, Moose,
keep your friends close,

-and your enemies closer.
-Okay.

Alice Kane, guess what?

Last night, I looked in my heart,
and boom!

There it was, forgiveness!

I want to make this friendship thing work.

I'm so relieved!
I tried to call you all night last night,

but your phone was busy.

I was afraid you were avoiding me.

Don't be silly!

I have so many plans
for our new friendship!

I bet you do, Alice Kane.
I bet you do.

-What was that?
-Nothing.

Nothing at all.

Let's go do fun things
that best friends do, shall we?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN HUMMING]

[LAUGHING]

[DIAL TONE]

[SHRIEKS]

[DIAL TONE]

MAN:
Who will be my next volunteer?

One of you two?

PEPPER ANN:
That's it? A bunny?

Peppie!
Why is the phone always off the hook?

Someone may be trying to reach us
in case of an emergency...

Well, NutBank kept calling
about your credit card and...

-Well, that's, you know, that's different.
-[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

So, Alice Kane,
you've come for a slumber party, have you?

-Well, yes, you invited me to...
-Yes, yes I did.

And I'll have you know
that there are no bowls of water

to dip my hand in once I'm asleep,

no plastic wrap
to cover the toilet seat with,

and I don't wear a bra,
so there's nothing for you to freeze!

Pepper Ann, despite our now
being friends forever and a day,

I get the feeling
that you still don't trust me.

Nonsense.
What's not to trust?

Wanna play Truth or Dare then?

It comes out at last, Alice Kane.

Ply me for my deepest darkest secrets
then use them as grist

for the rumor mill, will you?

-I think not!
-How 'bout we just watch TV?

Okay.

You're blowing this whole thing
way out of proportion.

Are you crazy? Since I've been hanging out
with Alice Kane,

she's knocked me off a chair,
driven me into a tree,

drenched me with eggs...

But were those things
really Alice Kane's fault?

Now, between you and me,
you could use some beauty sleep.

Sleep? Sleep? The moment I go to sleep
I become a patsy to her diabolical scheme.

Pepper Ann, you came!

Of course!
A friend in need is a friend indeed!

You're shoe's untied...

[LAUGHING]

You fool!
You naive little princess fool!

I knew that it was only a matter of time
before I won your trust.

Well, I was right about one thing,
we won't be competing anymore!

With you out of the way,
I'll win every science fair,

blading contest and school election!

[LAUGHING]

All aboard the Bye-Bye Express!

PEPPER ANN: No!

"Dear friend, I had to leave
for the train station early this morning

-and didn't want...
-...ALICE KANE: didn't want to wake you.

Pepper Ann.
These last few weeks have meant so much.

I'm leaving Hazelnut this morning.
Forever.

My Dad got a job offer in India,
so we're moving.

I didn't have the heart
to tell you in person.

I'm just so glad
that I got to say goodbye,

not to P. Ann my arch enemy,
but to Pepper Ann...

-...but to Pepper Ann, my friend.
-But to Pepper Ann, my friend."

All this time I thought Alice Kane
wanted to embarrass me,

when all she really wanted
was to destroy me!

I foresaw your entire plan.

Win my trust then lure me here
with a sad letter

only to put me on the bye-bye train?

But, you made one fatal mistake,
Alice Kane.

Who takes a train to India?

Are you coming Alice, honey?

I'll know you'll miss your friends
in Hazelnut,

but you'll make new ones in Calcutta.

They were taking a train to New York
then catching a flight to India.

I had to help her raise the money
to buy a new train ticket.

How'd you do that?

I put on a show in Old Man Crowley's barn.
I just feel so horrible.

I never even gave Alice Kane a chance.

-Milo, I should've just...
-...listened to me instead of getting

all wiggy and ruining my sculpture,
then realizing after the fact

that all of the mishaps with Alice Kane
were not a result

of her diabolical scheming
but of your own paranoia?

-Well, yeah. And Nicky, I...
-...was a fool to disregard

my sage advice once again,
but you were enmeshed too deeply

in your hatred of Alice Kane
to listen to any rational advice.

-Am I that...
-...predictable?

[LAUGHTER]

Peppie,
I was watching Saturday Night Slamnation.

Sister Shin Splint was on fire.

Sorry, Moose,
but the only thing that'll cheer me up

is a good laugh
at other people's miseries.

Oh, yeah?
-Yeah.

Okay.

My car's in the shop tonight,
so I had to get a rental.

I'd hate to see the economy size.

Anyway, since the show
is about laughing not with you,

but at you, every now and then
we turn the cameras on you!

Let's watch!

[LAUGHS]

What are you doing?

AVERY:
Sensing that this girl was comic gold

our cameras followed her for a few days,

and, well, you are gonna love
what they saw!

I say Mary, what would you say
to taking in a play this good night?

Oh, Abe! That sounds marvelous!

John Wilkes Booth is m'name
and I'm headin' to the the-ater

-to settle a score with...
-MAN: John Wilkes Booth wasn't a cowboy!

Quiet in the cheap seats, Crowley!

[LAUGHS]
Whaddaya say?

Are these clips
grand prize winners or what?

Unfortunately,
Lafftown USA couldn't get in touch

with the red-headed walking pratfall
because her phone was always off the hook.

So we gave the prize money
to her straight-faced sidekick

Alice Kane, come on out!

I can't tell you
how much this means to me, to my family.

We were moving to India,
but now my Dad can afford

to keep his old job in Hazelnut,
and he doesn't have to uproot his family.

And, Pepper Ann, if you're watching,
since we're staying in Hazelnut,

and since you've become a national icon
of buffoonery,

I feel we should dissolve our friendship,
lest you drag me down to your level.

I offered you my friendship
but all you had in your heart

was paranoia and mistrust.

Well, I'll see you on the River Styx,
P. Ann!

Thank you.

I knew it! I knew that somehow, some way,
she'd destroy me!

All this time a camera
was capturing my every move,

immortalizing every embarrassing...

Wait a minute, is that?

[LAUGHS]

Peppie, you're making a fool
out of yourself again.

[STATIC]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]