Caligula: The Ultimate Cut (2023)

[bunniefuu]

[voices chanting]

[man 1] Germanicus dead.

[funeral priest] Hail, the great

grandfather of Germanicus,

hail Julius Caesar,

now a god!

Hail, the grandfather

of Germanicus,

Augustus Caesar,

now a god!

Behold the ashes of Germanicus

- m*rder*d!

- m*rder*d!

[funeral priest] So

cruelly taken from us

[blackbird squawking]

[funeral priest]

Hail, the father of Germanicus

Hail Tiberius Caesar

[woman 1]

Who k*lled Germanicus?

[funeral

priest] Emperor of Rome!

[man 2]

Tiberius! Tiberius! Tiberius!

He's going to k*ll me

You're safe. You're with me.

He's going to k*ll us,

just the way he k*lled

our father, our mother,

and our brothers.

I am not going to die!

You won't.

You're his heir,

there is no one else.

Yes

there's Gemellus

and Claudius

Gemellus is too young,

Claudius is an idiot,

and Tiberius is old.

You will be emperor.

Soon.

And you will be my queen.

You can't marry your sister.

You can in Egypt.

But we're in Rome.

And you are already promised.

[calm music]

[Caligula] I know.

To Ennia.

[Drusilla] Remember,

Macro does command

the Praetorian Guard.

[blackbird cawing]

[blackbird cawing]

[Drusilla laughing]

[Drusilla] It's only a bird.

[blackbird cawing]

[giggles]

What's it like

with your husband?

What's what like?

[giggles]

He's so fat.

He's disgusting.

[Drusilla] He's not.

He's just large.

But tiny where it counts.

How do you know?

I saw him at the baths.

Poor, poor Drusilla

[Drusilla] You are vile.

[giggles]

[sentry] Password?

[Drusilla] Who's that?

[Macro] Justice.

[suspenseful music]

Prince.

Forgive me, Prince.

I'm not interrupting, am I?

[Caligula] Only my dreams.

Happy dreams?

News from Capri?

The Emperor

commands you to wait upon him.

We sail at first light.

What does he want?

A last look at you, perhaps.

He is seventy-seven.

May he live forever.

How is Ennia?

In love.

In Hell then, as the poet says.

My wife won't be happy

until she sees you in Capri.

Wait outside.

[suspenseful music]

What do

you think all this means?

Take care, Little Boots.

Pray to !sis for me.

[tension music]

[Caligula] Nerva. Dear friend.

Ten years is a long time for

the Emperor to be hidden away.

I should feel a great deal happier

if he were back in Rome, where he belongs.

Tell me, how is the Emperor?

Old, like me.

I mean how is his mood?

Like the weather.

Well, the weather is good today.

Changeable.

I am told

that during the last month,

seven of my colleagues in the

Senate have been put to death

for treason.

[screaming in the distance]

[Caligula] Nine to be exact.

And five of them cheated

they k*lled themselves.

That wasn't playing fair,

don't you agree, Nerva?

They were all good men.

If they were good men,

how could their beloved Emperor

find them guilty?

You have a gift

for logic, Prince.

[scream]

[babies crying]

[tension music]

Caligula!

Great Caesar.

Beloved grandfather.

Do your dance, boy.

My dance?

Yes.

The one you delighted the army with

when your father made you its mascot.

Come on, Little Boots.

I've forgotten it, Lord.

Dance for me.

Delight me.

Dance!

[crack of a whip]

All right, come in, all of you!

[rhythmic drums]

[laughs]

[Claudius laughing]

[rhythmic drums]

[Tiberius] Now stop that!

Do you love me?

Yes, Caesar.

[Tiberius] Why do you say such

monstrous things about me at Rome?

But I don't, Caesar. Ever.

[Tiberius] I hear you often pray

devotedly for my death.

By heaven,

Caesar, I swear I do not.

[Tiberius] You do not

in public.

Never, Lord.

[Tiberius] Remember this

that I have let you live.

So far.

My little fishies love me.

Innocence, you see

I protect their innocence.

It is all I can do, for

it is a foul world. Away you go!

Nerva is scowling at us.

Nerva, my friend!

Nerva, help me transform this

young barbarian

into a Roman Caesar.

There have been

three Roman Caesars

Julius, Augustus, and yourself.

Which do you want him to be?

The best!

That would be

your father, Augustus.

You see, Caligula?

I am insulted to my face.

Nerva, dear friend

when I am dead,

watch out for Macro.

I know he hates me.

[Tiberius] Because you are good.

Because you are wise.

Therefore, when I am gone,

watch out for Macro.

[Nerva] I've taken

my precautions, Caesar.

Heaven help Rome

when I die!

I am old.

You will live forever, Lord.

All my family are dead,

but you and me,

the child Gemellus, and

that uncle, that Claudius thing.

All the others,

struck down by fate

and it is fate, Little Boots,

that rules us, not any god.

You are a god, Caesar.

No I am not!

Not even when I am dead.

Julius Caesar

and Augustus Cesar,

they are gods.

So say the Senate, and so

the people prefer to believe.

Such myths are useful.

Little Boots

look at you.

I am nursing

a viper in Rome's bosom.

[laughs]

[tension music]

Wine!

Do you think this

boy has been drinking?

I think he's

been drinking, Caesar.

So do I.

- Macro?

- [Macro] Yes, Lord?

Give him more wine.

And waste none.

[Macro] The laces to your boots.

Quick!

And what do

they say of me at Rome?

They miss you, Lord.

And they need you.

I have given most of my life

to the Roman people.

I have fought!

[tension music]

Aren't they lovely?

Yes, Lord.

[sentry grunting]

[Tiberius]

The satyrs are from Illyria.

And this nymph

is from

from where?

[nymph] Britain, lord.

Britain.

Speaking statues!

[Tiberius] And

they can do, as well as speak!

[moans]

[moans]

[Tiberius] Do

you prefer nymphs to satyrs?

I like both.

One needs both, keep healthy.

Rome is a republic, Caligula,

and you and I are

just plain citizens.

More conviction!

[moans intensifying]

[tension music intensifying]

Serve the State, Caligula,

although the people in it

are appalling beasts.

But they love you, Lord.

No.

They hate me.

And they fear

me which is better.

There was no choice, you know.

There was no choice.

[sentry choking on wine]

[Caligula] No choice?

All I wanted was private life.

I did not truly

want to become emperor,

but I had to.

Had to?

If someone else had become emperor,

I would have been k*lled.

As you will be.

Will be?

[Caligula] Will be, Grand

Will be, Grandfather?

[Tiberius] Would be,

if you were not my heir.

When Rome was just a city,

and we were just citizens,

known to one

another, do you see,

why we were good, frugal,

disciplined, dignified.

We had to be.

Then we conquered the earth.

Amazing, isn't it?

Both boy and girl.

Fortunate creature.

Cost me a fortune.

We found

the world to be wealthy.

So we plundered it

and lost our true character.

The Romans I rule

are not what they were.

They lust.

They lust for pleasure, power,

money, other men's wives.

[laughs]

I am a true moralist,

and stern as any Cato.

[moans]

Fate chose me to govern swine.

In my old age

I have become a swineherd!

Well

do you think this boy

has drunk enough wine?

I think he's

had enough, my lord.

So do I.

[moans]

Now he is happy.

Homer.

You would not know that,

you were educated

in army camps only.

But you will know enough

to be a swineherd.

[Macro] The revised list of candidates

for the equestrian order.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in the name

of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Tax assessments

for Asia Minor and Gaul.

I, Tiberius Caesar, command in the name

of the Senate and the people of Rome.

Senators guilty of treason.

Every senator believes himself

to be a potential Caesar,

therefore every senator

is guilty of treason.

In thought if not in deed.

The Senate is the natural enemy

of any Caesar, Little Boots.

Traitors.

They offered to approve

any law I made before I made it.

What if I went

mad, I said. What then?

No answer.

They were born to

be sl*ves, Little Boots!

Never forget that.

Germanicus, remember!

Born to be

sl*ves! Never forget that!

Lord, I am not Germanicus.

- I'm his son, Caligula.

- Yes

and your friend is Macro.

He serves

you and only you, Lord.

And his wife is your friend.

Is she friendly in bed?

We must ask Macro, Lord.

She seems friendly.

And Drusilla, your sister?

My sister

is my sister.

I know everything

that is said and done.

And thought.

The setting sun

and the rising

Gemellus, lovely boy,

come to me, come to me.

And too young to betray me.

Well, perhaps not too young.

Kiss your old grandfather.

My last grandson.

I am your grandson, too, Caesar.

Only by adoption.

This is the last

flesh of my flesh.

Poor boy,

what will become of you?

He's like a brother to me, Lord.

Brother?

In our family,

a brother murders a brother,

who murders his father,

who has m*rder*d his son.

Fate. Drink, Caligula.

After you, dear brother.

Poor boy.

When I am gone,

Caligula will k*ll you.

And then, someone

will k*ll Caligula.

Unless he should

die before I do.

You are looking not well at all!

I,

Caligula Caesar, command in the name

of the Senate and the people of Rome.

[stamp slamming]

[Macro] Prince

my wife.

[Caligula] Ennia!

[calm music]

[Ennia giggles]

[Ennia gets surprised]

Now you are a man, Caligula.

What are you going to do?

[suspenseful music]

You must be the master

of your own destiny.

Take it! With both hands.

[moan]

[sl*ve 1] Master!

No!

[sl*ve 2] Master! Oh, master!

[suspenseful music]

[Tiberius] Bind his wrists!

No.

You must not go.

You must not leave me.

You're my friend.

For a man to chose

the hour of his own death

is the closest he can ever come

to tricking fate.

I'll trick you. Quickly!

[Nerva] I've lived

long enough, Tiberius.

And I hate my life.

[Tiberius] Why?

[Nerva] You say that to me?

One by one I've

watched you m*rder your family,

your friends,

the best of all the Romans.

[Tiberius] Leave us.

Out!

[suspenseful music]

We were friends once, years ago.

We still are.

- You will follow me soon.

- How do you know?

With you gone,

Macro would k*ll me.

I'll arrest him and execute him.

You can't. He controls you.

Besides,

even if Macro were dead,

how could I go on living

with this reptile?

[suspenseful music]

You will respect my friend

always, won't you, reptile?

I have always

respected him, Lord.

You hear that?

Tiberius, you were wise once.

Don't taunt me, I am old.

I have watched

you grow into a monster.

That is treason, Nerva.

It is true.

I am surrounded by enemies.

You are cruel.

No, honest.

If power can destroy the mind

and character of my Tiberius,

what will it do to this ignorant

boy brought up in army camps,

by men taught him nothing

except how to be your sl*ve?

Caligula serves me well.

The best of sl*ves

will be the worst of masters.

So from evils past,

and evils yet to come,

I now choose to escape.

[suspenseful music]

You have hurt me.

Goodbye.

[suspenseful music]

[dogs barking]

[dogs barking]

[Macro] Prince

Prince

the physician Charicles

wishes to speak with you.

The Emperor has fallen ill.

The situation is dire.

How is the Emperor?

How long will he last?

Well

it could happen any moment now.

With care,

he might last a year or so.

Only a year?

I can smell death.

But whose?

[Macro] Don't worry,

he can do nothing without me.

[Caligula] So these poor

unfortunate creatures thought.

And where are they?

No, Macro,

he's planning something.

You will be emperor soon.

You swear?

I sw

I swear.

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

Leave!

Everyone leave!

[suspenseful music]

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

Tiberius?

[suspenseful music intensifying]

[suspenseful music]

Caligula?

Lord!

Give me my ring.

No.

Yes.

[tension music]

You do not dare!

[tension music]

[music stop]

[calm music]

[tension music]

[Tiberius choking]

[tension music]

[peaceful music]

Hail Caesar.

Hail Caesar.

I'll get everyone assembled in

the hall for the announcement.

[peaceful music]

Gemellus!

Hail Caesar.

We are alone, Gemellus.

We must love each other.

[melancholic music]

[melancholic music]

[Caligula] It's

just like the dream.

It's only his mask.

You are Caesar now.

Caesar?

Caesar.

Emperor of

Rome. Lord of the world.

Lord of the world

I like this dream.

At the

At the insistence of the Senate

and the people of Rome,

I accept,

humbly,

the highest office

of our great republic.

Of our great republic.

When our beloved

Tiberius was dying,

he begged me to

carry on his good work

Into the Tiber with Tiberius!

Throw him in the river!

Today, we begin a new era!

[crowd] Hail!

All those who have

been exiled from Rome,

I do now recall!

Hail! Hail! Hail!

I grant a general amnesty!

- [cheering]

- Caligula! Caligula!

Silence!

Great Caesar is not finished!

As my fellow consul,

the Senate and

the people of Rome

have wisely chosen

my learned uncle Claudius.

Take your place

beside me, Claudius.

Caesar! Caligula!

Beside me down there, Claudius.

- I mean Consul

- [laughs]

Hail! Hail! Hail!

I herewith adopt, as my son

and heir, the Prince Gemellus.

Come forward, Prince.

From this moment,

all official oaths will

contain the following phrase:

"I will value neither my life,

nor the lives of my children

any more highly than I do that

of the emperor

or of his sister, Drusilla!"

[laughs]

Hail! Hail!

Hail!

[birds chirping]

Did you see

their faces when I told them

they had to swear not

only to me, but to you?

They were appalled.

I do hope so.

But is it wise?

I can do

anything I like

to anyone.

Well, don't start with me.

Who would you suggest?

[calm music]

[Caligula] Who?

[Drusilla] Do you trust Macro?

[Caligula] Macro?

He did k*ll Tiberius.

I must appoint a new commander

of my own choice.

Forgive me, Caesar.

Charea!

Two senators beg to see you.

They have a dispute over land

and await your judgement.

Well, bring

them in bring them in

I am interested

in all that is Rome,

even down to

the length of the toga.

- Caesar, I must complain about

- [Caligula] Give me the documents.

Guilty.

Thank you, thank you!

Do not thank me.

Justice must

always be impartial.

That is so, Charea is it not?

- Oh, yes, Caesar.

- Good.

You may go.

[giggles]

That is your man.

Charea?

He's so boring.

Boring boring!

[calm music]

[action music]

Superb display, Macro.

Superb.

Bring me Gemellus.

[Macro] What, here?

Here. Now.

[suspenseful music]

Charicles,

stand here.

I want a bonus for my guards.

But, Caesar,

that's not possible.

[Caligula] All things that

happen are possible, Longinus.

Make the impossible happen and

it becomes possible. Logical?

Bergarius, you here.

Charea, you there.

But, Caesar, the imperial budget,

you see, does not normally

Well, you are the chancellor,

Longinus, can you arrange it?

Uncle, would

you mind stepping over here

How Caesar?

The palace banquets cost

a quarter of a million sesterces.

Just a quarter of a million?

Well, we'll have to put everyone

on a diet, won't we?

[laughs]

Issue an edict.

[Longinus] Yes, Lord.

But the deficit, you see

Well, how much is my purse?

Well, Lord,

that is as much as you require.

Good!

Macro.

Would you stand there

Longinus, you here.

Yes, Caesar.

[suspenseful music]

Gemellus,

I want you to look at

these gentlemen very carefully,

and tell me,

who k*lled Tiberius?

[thinks]

[Caligula] Take your time.

Look right into their eyes.

Who k*lled Tiberius?

He did! Macro!

m*rder*r!

Arrest him.

[suspenseful music]

In honor of

your new commander, Charea,

ten gold pieces

to every man! Hail!

Hail!

Hail! Hail!

[soldiers continue cheering]

Charea, arrest Macro.

Don't you dare!

[calm music]

Ennia.

You look so beautiful.

Is it good for growing hair?

The divorce will

only take a few days.

I think we should move.

Move?

Where?

Alexandria, say.

To Egypt?

[Caligula] Yes.

What do you think?

I'd hate to leave Rome.

I mean

the Senate

- [urinating]

- But I am Rome.

Wherever I am, Rome is.

And there is the Senate,

- and the people of Rome.

- [Ennia giggling]

[clearing throat]

Forgive us, Caesar.

Longinus, hang on a minute

The commission.

Charea,

I now officially appoint you the

commander of my imperial guard.

[tension music]

But what about Macro?

What happened?

Where is he?

He has been

arrested for treason.

Caesar,

you know he worships you.

He made you.

Nobody made me.

I can't believe it.

What was it?

What did he do?

Ennia,

I had to take my

destiny in my own hands.

[tension music]

[Ennia] I love you

I love you

I love you!

I love you!

- [stutter]

- [Ennia] I love you.

I love you.

I love you! I love you!

I love you! I love you!

Well, now at least she doesn't

have to get a divorce.

You still have to

find a suitable wife.

No.

I'm going to marry you.

You can't, we're not Egyptians.

I know.

We're much more beautiful.

[Drusilla] Rome is not Egypt.

And stop looking

at yourself like that.

Then let's go to Egypt.

You are a fool.

Caesar cannot be a fool!

[Drusilla] But

he's trying very hard.

They'll throw you in the Tiber

if you try to move the government.

They? Who?

We're safe now.

[Drusilla]

Emperors are never safe.

I am the great Caesar.

I can do anything I like.

You are going to marry a respectable

Roman lady of the senatorial class.

Oh no I'm not.

Yes you are.

You've got to have an heir.

Who will k*ll

me when he grows up!

The priestesses of !sis

are meeting at my house tonight.

You want me to

marry one of them?

Yes.

No.

Yes.

No.

[Drusilla] Yes.

I wonder what I should wear

[sensual music]

[Caligula] When

does the orgy begin?

[Drusilla] Don't be disgusting.

I'm not, I'm being practical.

If I'm to choose a wife,

I must see how she performs.

Logic.

[sensual music]

That one looks

rather interesting.

[Drusilla] Livia?

She's taken.

She's to marry Proculus,

one of your officers.

Proculus?

I'll send him to Spain.

[Drusilla] She's a virgin.

Not your style. Very boring.

[moans]

[sensual music intensifying]

[Caligula] That will be my wife!

[Drusilla] Oh, no not Caesonia.

You are impossible!

She's the most

promiscuous woman in Rome.

[Caligula] Perfect.

Caesonia's been divorced.

She's extravagant.

Always in debt.

I want her.

But not for a wife.

[sensual music]

Send her to me now.

No.

Yes.

Such is the will of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

[sensual music]

[moans]

[moans intensifying]

[sensual music]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

You are very convincing

as a priestess, Caesar.

And you as

a sacrificial lamb, Caesonia.

[crowd cheering]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

If only all Rome

had just one neck.

[suspenseful music]

I told Caesonia

that I would marry her.

Don't.

But only after

she has born me a son.

How will

you ever know it's yours?

I shall have her well-guarded,

don't worry.

Then you can be sure one of

the guards will be the father.

No, they're all h*m*

who've been castrated!

Is that the officer

that Livia is going to marry?

Yes, Proculus.

Proculus

- Longinus.

- Caesar.

You see this young

officer here, Proculus

[suspenseful music]

[Livia screaming]

Superb!

Yes.

The crown of

victory for Proculus.

I believe, Proculus,

that you're going to marry

the beautiful Livia?

Yes, Caesar!

I look forward to the wedding.

I'm honored, Caesar!

- [raining]

- [thundering]

[suspenseful music]

[Caligula] Gemellus!

[Caesonia] Caligula!

[thundering]

[Caligula] Gemellus!

Jpiter loves me!

Drusilla!

They're trying to k*ll me!

Gemellus! I saw

him! He ran away!

He wants me dead!

[calm music]

[calm music]

[calm music]

[birds chirping]

Caligula Caesar,

Emperor of Rome!

- Hail!

- Hail!

And the Lady Drusilla

and the Lady Caesonia.

And the Lady Drusilla

and the Lady Caesonia!

- Hail!

- Hail!

Are we late? Do forgive us?

Was the ceremony beautiful?

The auguries good?

Yes, Caesar.

[Caligula] Splendid.

[Proculus] You are

very gracious to come.

You are a Roman hero.

I shall now bestow the special

blessing of almighty Caesar

upon this

- happy union.

- [crowd] Hail!

Perfect.

I thought

you didn't like virgins.

I've never known any.

That is correct, Caesonia?

And now for my wedding gift.

What a delicious bride.

Take off your robe, dear girl.

- But

- But?

Hm? Splendid.

[Caligula] Splendid.

My compliments. Don't move!

[Livia weeping]

[Livia weeping]

[Caligula] Is

she really a virgin, Proculus?

Yes, Caesar.

[Caligula] One can

never be quite sure.

Open your eyes, dear girl.

Lucky girl,

to lose your virginity to a direct

descendent of the goddess Venus.

[Livia weeping]

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in

open your eyes, Proculus

command in the name

of the Senate open them!

And the people of Rome!

[Livia screaming]

[murmuring guests fall silent]

[Livia sobbing]

[Caligula]

She really was a virgin.

Are you?

[Livia sobbing]

[Caligula] Well, are you?

No, Caesar.

!sis won't like that.

One law for woman,

one for man, that's not fair.

Come on, off with your clothes.

[Livia weeping]

Splendid.

I like your nice

bushy hair, Proculus.

No, Caesar.

- I beg you.

- So thick. Up!

[Livia weeping]

I think

you lied to me, Proculus.

You're a virgin, too.

[Proculus grunting]

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in the name

open your eyes, Livia

in the name of the Senate,

and the people of Rome!

[Proculus screaming]

[butler] Hail, Caesar!

Hail!

All hail Caesar's

beautiful horse, Incitatus.

Hail!

There's Gemellus.

Watch him.

Chuck, chuck,

dear uncle, chuck, chuck.

I want your honest advice

shall I declare

myself king of Rome?

King?

Oh, dear I mean, well

this is the republic, isn't it?

Very well.

I shall make myself

king of the republic.

But you're already greater

than any king, Caesar.

I know, but

I feel so undistinguished.

But to us

you're just like a god.

I am a god.

Or at least

I will be when I am dead.

Gemellus,

try some of these morays.

What's that smell?

What smell, Caesar?

- What have you been taking?

- Just a medicine to ward off the fever.

Did you give him

medicine for the fever?

- Well, Caesar

- [Caligula] Yes or no?

I

no.

Gemellus, are you accusing your

sovereign of being a poisoner?

But I never accused you, Caesar.

You took an antidote

before you came to my table,

which is tantamount

to accusing me of poisoning you.

That is logical, is it not?

[tension music]

Charea,

arrest Gemellus for treason.

Guards!

No no!

Caesar, no!

No!

Caesar, Caesar, no!

No no

[Caligula] As if there ever could be

an antidote against Caesar.

[laughs]

[screaming]

[tension music]

Drusilla,

why are you so

concerned for him?

I'm not concerned

for him, but for you.

He knows about Tiberius.

He's a threat to me.

He's not.

He's not even your heir.

Caesonia is now

carrying your child.

Gemellus will die.

- You amateur.

- Amateur?

[slapping]

And they weren't even poisoned.

[guests laughing]

[choking]

[gagging]

[Charicles] Caesar?

[guests clapping]

Well done.

Thank you.

What will you do to Drusilla?

What she said was treason.

I decide what

is treason, not you.

Dance.

Dance?

Yes, show

Incitatus your new dance.

What about your son?

My son?

He will dance with you.

Music!

[drumming starts]

[drumming continues]

[drumming intensifies]

Yeah!

[guests applauding]

[flies buzzing]

Drusilla

you're very, very beautiful.

We are alone now on earth,

as we shall be in the heavens.

[suspenseful music]

He's going to k*ll me.

He's going to k*ll me.

[thundering]

He's going to k*ll me.

The fever must break soon.

And what if it doesn't?

Drusilla

Where is my sister?

She's coming.

Take my horse

back to his own room.

I'm here, Little Boots.

Drusilla, I'm dying.

You are not.

I must make my will.

Don't talk. Sleep.

Longinus

I want Longinus

[Romans chanting solemnly]

Just listen to the crowd.

Oh, yes, the people love him.

Yet nobody is safe with him.

The Empire is safe.

The Empire?

But he's a tyrant!

[Charea] Better

tyranny than anarchy.

A few families in Rome may

suffer, but the Empire is safe.

There could be far worse horrors

w*r, revolution, civil chaos

if Caligula were to die

It looks as if

he is going to die anyway.

Longinus.

[moaning]

[Caligula moaning]

You called for me, Caesar?

My my will

Herewith, to my

beloved Drusilla,

the Roman Empire

Title, Augusta.

My little boots

little boots

little boots

He's sleeping.

No, he's not.

[suspenseful music]

[sighs]

Why do I get so angry with you?

Why do we always quarrel?

You can't help it.

We'll never quarrel again.

Oh, yes, we will.

Don't let me die.

My lady, you mustn't touch him,

the fever is contagious

Sleep.

You're safe now.

Drusilla's here.

I offer my life if Jupiter

will only spare

our beloved Emperor.

Jupiter accepts your offer.

Execute him.

[tension music]

The fever is breaking!

[Drusilla] Do

you hear that, Little Boots?

You're going to live.

[birds chirping]

[peaceful music]

[laughing]

You missed.

I did not miss.

I was aiming for that leaf.

Well, aim at me!

[Caligula whooping]

[music intensifies]

[Caligula whooping]

[music continues]

[music continues]

Drusilla tells me that I've

been neglecting my duty,

so I report for work.

Your signature

and seal is required.

I, Caligula Caesar,

command in the name of the

Senate and the people of Rome.

I, Caligula Caesar, command

in the name of the Senate

and the people of Rome.

[mockingly] I,

Caligula Caesar, command

Dull dull dull!

Caesar?

If I don't do

something fairly soon,

I shall be remembered

as "Caligula the Dull".

I can see it in

the history books.

Things are going

far too well, Longinus.

- Too well?

- [Caligula] Yes!

No wars, no

catastrophes, nothing.

It's been ages since

we had a proper earthquake.

Well, what nature won't do,

we'll have to do ourselves.

[Longinus] Lord?

There will be a famine.

- But the granaries are crammed full.

- [Caligula] Exactly!

- Close them down.

- Close them?

Yes.

Stop all the grain supplies,

and issue an order that every citizen

will get provisions every day,

for which they will bless

their beloved Emperor.

[Longinus] Yes, Lord.

What else?

Perhaps I could conquer Persia,

like Alexander.

The people would love that.

I think w*r is

a stupid business, don't you?

Yes, Lord.

I want a bridge

right across the Bay of Naples.

Yes, Lord.

And a ship.

Yes, Lord.

[Caligula] With

the most beautiful garden.

Drusilla loves gardens

and she likes the sea.

Which reminds me

we haven't had a sea battle

for a long time.

Flood the amphitheater,

we'll have a sea battle

between Greeks and Trojans.

Yes, Lord.

- Longinus?

- Yes, Lord?

Why do the Romans look so ugly?

Issue an edict,

every man is to wear

two partings in his hair.

Yes, Lord.

Can't you ever say anything

except "Yes, Lord"?

No wonder life's so dull.

Yes, Lord.

[Caligula barking like a dog]

[woman screaming]

[audience murmuring]

[woman screaming]

[asks for silence]

Curtain!

[audience applauding]

[Caesonia screaming]

The child's head

has just appeared!

[Caligula and audience cheering]

Is he alive?

Yes, Caesar!

My lords

I am now to be

married to Caesonia,

the mother of my son,

Caligula Germanicus!

The ring the ring

[Caesonia screaming]

[audience continues applauding]

[newborn crying]

You are now wife, mother,

and Empress of Rome.

It's a girl.

It is not a girl.

Did you not hear Caesar say

I heard the words of Caesar,

but your daughter did not.

[newborn continues crying]

I should have

waited, shouldn't I?

There will be other children.

Longinus?

One month of free games,

and a gold coin to every Roman,

to celebrate the birth of my son

my daughter

Julia Drusilla!

Caesar, Caesar

The fever.

[woman] She looks sick

[woman 2] Did he say the fever?

[woman 3] It's the fever

This place isn't safe.

We must leave

Let's get out of here

[suspenseful music]

[blackbird squawking]

[panting]

Drusilla, I'm here.

It's your Little Boots.

[Drusilla moaning]

Do something.

I'm doing

everything I can, Caesar,

I swear, but the fever

Don't leave me.

Not now.

[Drusilla panting]

[Drusilla crying]

Holy !sis, save her.

Take me.

Caesar begs

you, almighty mother.

Caesar

No

No

No

[Caligula humming]

[melancholic music]

Leave us

go

Get out out get out!

Get out! Out!

Get out!

Get out!

[Claudius sobbing]

Get out!

[dramatic choral music]

[dramatic choral music]

[dramatic music intensifies]

No!

[distant cheering]

[distant laughing]

Do you have any news of him?

According to one report,

he's gone to Egypt.

And according to

the other reports?

[sighing]

To Greece

to Carthage

to Persia

to Gaul.

And where do you think he is?

He could be anywhere.

No.

He is here. In Rome.

He is testing us.

I wouldn't laugh if

I were you, Longinus.

Neither will I dine

nor bathe with my children,

nor have intercourse

with my parents for a month.

[tension music]

[prisoners shouting]

[woman screaming]

[woman screaming]

[suspenseful music]

[prisoners grunting]

[prisoners laughing]

[prisoners shouting]

[prisoners laughing]

[senators debating]

[senators quieting down]

I have existed

from the morning of the world,

and I shall exist until the last

star falls from the night.

Although I have taken

the form of Gaius Caligula,

I am no man as I am all men,

and therefore I am

a god.

[suspenseful music]

I shall wait for the unanimous

decision of the Senate, Claudius.

All those

who say "aye", say "aye"!

Aye!

- Aye!

- Aye!

Aye!

[shouting]

Aye!

Aye!

Aye! Aye!

Aye!

[Caligula] Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

Aye!

[baaing like a sheep]

[continues baaing like a sheep]

The period of

mourning is now over!

[Caligula continues baaing]

[suspenseful music]

All right, Caesonia,

what have I done?

Why did you make

the Senate declare you a god?

That was the Senate's

decision, not mine.

Anyway, I am a god.

A god with human feelings?

A god in human form.

You believe that don't you?

Oh, yes, of course.

Then you're just

as stupid as they are.

I don't want them

to k*ll your human form.

They won't. They're sheep.

I'm surrounded by

hypocrites and sheep,

forever talking

about service and loyalty.

[baaing] Sheep.

[baaing like a sheep]

I don't trust the Senate.

I don't trust Longinus,

and I don't trust Charea.

[baaing like a sheep]

I only trust my little giant.

And not me?

I trust your heart,

but not your head.

I know. I am not Drusilla.

Caligula

!sis loves us.

We have everything everything!

Why can't you be happy?

Happy?

A happy emperor

on the throne of Rome?

That would be unique.

Do you have to make your contempt

for the institution so obvious?

Yes!

Why?

It is my inspiration.

Aren't you going

to finish the massage?

You can't, Caesonia.

I'm a god

Don't you think all the gods

look a lot more sympathetic now?

Oh, yes, divine Caesar.

I was talking to Incitatus.

[nickering]

[nickering]

You like them, don't you?

[whispering] What do you say?

I thought he was a deaf mute.

All things speak to god,

and all things listen.

Longinus

Caesar?

We will invade Britain.

But we can't possibly afford it

Don't contradict me,

I can't bear contradictions!

I am inflexible.

Then, Lord,

we should restore the wine tax.

No, no, no, no, no.

No.

The people won't love me

if we tax their wine.

Then how will

we raise the money?

Wars, Longinus. Wars.

Conquest. Plunder. sl*ves.

That is the logical

way to raise money.

Make the preparations.

Yes, divine Caesar.

Andwe only have to

collect it. Rome, too,

Don't you worry, Longinus,

we shall raise it by the bushel.

Do you like my new march?

[Longinus] Yes, divine Caesar.

[Caligula] I think

I'll teach it to my legions.

Caesonia, how do I look?

Enjoy yourself.

Take care.

Now the fun begins.

But are they going

to enjoy it as well?

I don't know.

Should we find out?

Longinus!

Ah, Longinus,

my financial wizard.

Longinus,

we have a question for you.

Who is making

the most money in Rome?

Answer

the p*mps!

Question number two:

Who are the most

lascivious sluts in Rome?

Who?

Answer

the senators' wives.

Solution?

The Imperial Brothel!

[performers grunting]

- [whips cracking]

- [moans]

Only five gold pieces for each

and every twenty minutes,

and that's a bargain,

because some of the women here

are respectable married ladies

virgins, wh*res

senators' wives

I'll have to work out

a special rate for you.

Just five gold pieces!

Everybody lasting

three hours or more

will receive Caesar's

special prize for endurance!

Hairy n*pples

Senator Marcellus,

your wife will

drive our customers away!

Try hot walnuts.

[moaning intensifies]

Now we sail for Britain!

[moans]

[music intensifies]

[birds chirping]

[Caligula] Mars tells me

we will enjoy a great victory.

What is he doing?

We're only a few

hours march from Rome.

Charea,

is everything

prepared for the invasion?

Yes, Caesar

Only

Only what?

Where is Britain?

Where?

There!

Oh, yes, Lord. There.

- But

- But what?

There is no enemy.

There is papyrus.

Papyrus, divine Caesar?

Yes, papyrus. Don't

be so stupid, Charea.

Order my army to attack

and destroy that papyrus.

After all, we must have some

proof that I conquered Britain.

[w*r horns blowing]

[shouting orders]

[soldiers shouting]

[shouting intensifies]

[w*r horns blowing]

[Caligula] Attack!

Destroy!

Get it get over there!

[soldiers shouting]

k*ll!

[slow drumming march]

While all of you

were living safely here in Rome,

your beloved

emperor was risking his life

to preserve and

enlarge the Empire.

I have heard rumors

that the Senate doesn't believe

that I ever went to Britain.

No no, Lord.

I did conquer Britain,

and I have a hundred thousand

papyrus canes to prove it!

- [drums start]

- [guests applauding]

[guests] Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

They hate you now.

Let them hate me,

so long as they fear me.

But they are consuls, senators,

they are important men.

So important

that they approve all I do?

They must be mad!

They say nothing!

I don't know what else to do

to provoke them.

[drumming continues]

Cowards.

Sheep.

Almighty Caesar says

take a grape

and catch it in your mouth.

Fail, fail, fail, fail, fail,

fail, fail, fail, fail.

Fail, fail, fail.

Keep a note

of all those who fail, Longinus.

[Longinus] Yes, Caesar.

Almighty Caesar says stand!

Almighty Caesar says get down!

Almighty Caesar says turn right!

Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail! Fail!

Almighty Caesar

says run down the middle!

Almighty Caesar says hop!

Stop!

Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail! Fail! Fail!

Fail! Fail!

Almighty Caesar says hop! Stop.

Hop. Stop. Hop. Stop. Hop. Stop.

Almighty Caesar says crawl

crawl crawl

Crawl! Crawl! Crawl!

I hate them!

Almighty Caesar says stop.

Almighty Caesar says,

to balance the state budget,

we shall confiscate the entire estates of

all those who have failed.

Read out your list, Longinus.

Senators Galba

Amponius

Marcellus

Antonius

Cassius

Charea

[Longinus

continues reciting names]

[Caligula] They have failed me.

They have failed Rome.

Arrest them.

[Longinus

continues reciting names]

Almighty Caesar

says arrest them.

[Longinus stops reciting names]

Guards! Arrest them!

[screams]

Almighty Caesar

says finish your dinner.

Eat!

[whispering] Watch Charea.

[whispering] Why?

The omens are not good.

Be on your guard.

I think he intends to k*ll me.

What is so amusing, Caesar?

Just a thought.

May I ask what thought?

All I have to do

is to nod my head,

and both your throats will

be cut right here at dinner.

That is the emperor's privilege.

Is it true that there's been a

conspiracy against me, Longinus?

Well, Lord that is I mean

there seems to be a secret plot

A plot is always a secret. If it's not

a secret it is not a plot but a plan.

That is logical,

is it not, Claudius?

Even a halfwit can see that,

and you're a halfwit.

Half of me is, Caesar.

When is the next

consular election?

In two weeks, divine Caesar.

In two weeks

I shall select as consul

the noblest Roman of you all.

[classic music]

I, Caligula Caesar,

in the name of the S

In the name of

the people of Rome,

do now designate as consul

Incitatus!

Hail!

[crowd cheering]

He appeals to the people.

The Senate count for nothing.

The new consul

will now address the Senate.

[Incitatus farting]

[laughing]

All hail Incitatus!

Hail!

- [laughs]

- [cheering]

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

Hail!

He has mocked the gods and the

Senate, and humiliated the army.

And prostituted our wives!

That's why the people love him.

May he be happy.

Happy?

Happy.

- [laughs]

- [cheering]

What would

you do if you were me?

You never answer me.

You don't exist.

You don't exist.

You don't exist!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

No!

You don't exist!

You don't exist!

No!

No! No!

No!

No!

[cries]

[suspenseful music]

[suspenseful music]

[scream]

[Caesonia] You need sleep.

I think I shall have to resign

myself to living forever.

I hope you do.

I am going bald.

No, you're not.

You've never been able

to face the facts, have you?

The facts?

Oh, yes, my lord.

Can you?

I need some sleep.

I need you.

[blackbird squawking]

[tension music]

[whispering] Are you ready?

Will you speak

your lines, sister !sis?

Long have I wandered

in the land of men in search of you,

brother Osiris.

I have been

k*lled and cut into bits.

You put my pieces together,

bringing back life with a kiss.

He's waving at us.

Wave back.

It doesn't matter.

It's only a show.

[suspenseful music]

[Caligula] Dancing

master, who are these people?

[dancing master]

They are the dancers from Troy,

divine Caesar.

[Caligula gets surprised]

Troy?

Do they know

Hector's dance of death?

Yes, Lord!

[upbeat music]

[suspenseful music]

[Caligula]

You want to see my dance?

The Password?

Password?

Scrotum.

[Charea] So be it.

[screaming]

[dramatic music]

I

live.

I live!

I

still

live

[Charea] Now.

[scream]

Guards!

Hail Claudius Caesar!

Hail! Hail! Hail!

[dramatic music]