01x19 - The Grand Tour

[bunniefuu]

BENNY: I better not
go any further, T.C. I might--

I did, T.C., I did!
I busted a water pipe!

Easy, Benny, easy.
Fancy, give me that paint.

Just be calm, Benny boy.

That's Top Cat, all right.
Thinking all the time.

There, that'll do it.
The original Old Faithful.

Top Cat!

The most effectual Top Cat!

Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C.

Providing it's with dignity

Top Cat!

The indisputable leader
of the g*ng.

He's the boss, he's a pip
he's the championship.

He's the most tip top

Top Cat

Yes he's a chief
he's a king

But above everything

He's the most tip top

Top Cat!

SERGEANT: Two thousand and one
traffic tickets in just 12
hours!

Terrific! I hope the boys keep
it up. We'll set a new record.

MAN: Call for you, sarge.
It's the new police
commissioner.

What, again?
What does he want now?

Okay. Put him on.

Commissioner, how are you, sir?

What's that?
A citizens' committee in your
hair, eh?

You're lucky, sir.
Uh, I mean, uh...

...be glad that you've still got
hair.

[LAUGHING]

This is no time for levity,
sergeant.

The committee's making
an inspection tour of the
city...

...especially the troubled
areas.

And yours is the most troubled
area on the agenda!

#Don't worry, commissioner.
Everything's under control.

#They won't see a thing.
I, uh-- I mean...

...I'll root out all the
wrongdoings.
Yes, sir!

Banyon, we're cracking down.

I want action, names, results!

Now, who's our biggest problem?

All right. Come on, Brain.

Wake up, up, up.
Up and at 'em, boy.

We got a big meeting scheduled.
Let's round up the group, boy.

Oh, yeah, yeah, T.C.
Right away.

Let's move faster, Brain.
Get those guys in here.

Ah, got you, T.C.

I'll have them here
in two seconds. Here they come.

-What's up, Brain?
-Yeah, like, where's T.C.?

-Uh, he was right here.
-There he is!

Hey, what are you
doing down there, T.C.?

I'm posing for animal crackers.
What else? Sheesh!

Well, stockholders,
you requested a clarification
of our company's position.

So have a look.

We'd be even lower,
but I ran out of room.

Gentlemen, I hate to shake
you up, but as of now...

...a depression
would be an improvement.

Uh, hear, hear.

As board chairman, may I move...

...that the gentleman from
the West Side shut his yap.
Thank you.

And now for a detailed report...

...I call upon our
esteemed treasurer, Mr. Benny.

[SNORING]

TOP CAT: Benny?
-Yes, Mother?

-Benny, you're on!
-Yeah?

Oh. Oh, yeah! Sorry.

The statement for our current
fiscal year reads as follows:

"We're busted."

I hereby nominate Benny
for a second term.

SPOOK:
Crazy, pops. Like, I second it.

Order, order! What is this,
a board meeting or a ballpark?

Didn't you clowns hear the
treasurer?

-I'd be glad to make my--
TOP CAT: Sit down till you're
called on.

---report.
-Sheesh!

Now, we all know that business
has been rotten lately.

So to furnish us with the
details...

...I call upon the chairman
in charge of rotten business,
Mr. Choo Choo.

Thank you, T.C. Ahem.

And fellow members
of the bankruptcy...

...we tried everything possible
to make an honest dollar:

Raffles, bazaars, block
parties...

...and recently the
George Washington Birthday Ball.

To which six people showed up:
us.

Gentlemen, we are facing
consumer resistance.

Which means all the pigeons
in our neighborhood...

...are either broke
or wising up to us.

So do I hear any suggestions as
to how to promote some fresh
capital?

Yeah, T.C. Like, uh,
why don't we all get jobs?

TOP CAT: Sit down.
Anyone with something sensible
to say?

Yeah, T.C. Why don't we just
bring in new people?

TOP CAT:
Oh, boy. "Bring in new people."

Brilliant.
Brilliant, Chooch. Brilliant!

We don't have enough d*adbeats?
You want us to bring in more
yet?

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You know, that ain't a bad idea.

New people with new money,
or even new people with old
money.

Sure. The gimmick is
to lure them in for a visit...

...a tour. A guided tour.

A guided tour. Great idea, T.C.!

Uh, what's a guided tour?

Certainly people are constantly
roaming the country...

...looking for historical
landmarks.

So for a price,
we'll show them the ones we got.

-Yeah! We'll clean up.
CHOO CHOO: Hold on a second,
T.C.

There's nothing historic in this
neighborhood. Just beat-up
buildings.

A mere technicality
that can be overcome...

...by a little ingenuity
and lots of double talk.

For instance, this spot is now
the site of old Fort
c*ck...

...where the Indians and
settlers battled to the last
man.

Chooch, you can play
the lone surving Indian.

Ugh. Me last Mohican.
TOP CAT: Yeah, that's the
spirit, chief.

Later on, we'll break up
some rocks and sell them
for arrowheads.

Now, over there is where Captain
Kidd, the infamous pirate,
buried his treasure.

Yeah, he did? What are we
waiting for?
Let's get the shovels.

TOP CAT: No, I'm just
pretending.
But thanks for the idea.

If you fell for it,
there may be others.

I'll make some treasure maps
and sell them to the tourists.

What else we gonna show them?

TOP CAT: Straight down this
alley is where Paul Revere fed
his horse.

T.C., everybody knows Paul
Revere's famous ride took place
in Massachusetts.

TOP CAT:
So he took a wrong turn.

Who can see
on those freeways at night?

-Oh.
-Okay. That's the tour in a
nutshell.

We'll charge 50 cents a head,
half price for kids.

If they don't have a kid,
we'll rent them a kid.

SPOOK:
But, like, what about the
police?

The police. I forget about them.
I'll tell you what we're gonna
do.

We'll give the police
a discount. Three tours
for a dollar.

Now, come on. Let's start
hustling. We need paint
for the signs.

Benny, you hit the hardware
store. Fancy, I want you--

[PHONE RINGS]

Pardon me.

Hello. Officer Dibble's beat.
No, he's not here.

Hmm? No, this is his secretary.
May I take his message?

Oh, it's you, sarge.
I should have recognized
those gentle tones.

No, I'm afraid I can't
help you, sir. Who knows
where he hangs out?

-Give me that phone!
TOP CAT: Just a minute, sarge.

It's headquarters, Dibble.

They're getting wise.
I can't keep covering up
for you.

Hi, sarge.

No. I don't have a secretary.
Honest.

Huh? A citizens' committee?

Oh, you bet, sarge.
I'll keep my eye on him.

Good news. A promotion at last.
They're giving you a horse.

Listen, you, if you ever so much
as touch that phone...

...I'll run you in.

Hey, T.C., maybe Officer Dibble
would be interested...

...in buying one of
the buried treasure maps.

-What treasure maps?
TOP CAT: Oh, it's nothing,
nothing.

He watches too much TV.

BENNY: You mean we ain't selling
no maps for the guided tour?

Guided tour?

That's just the name of a movie
I was telling them about.

#Guided Tour.# You know, one of
those widescreen travelogues.

Very educational.
Lots of native dancing girls.

Treasure maps? Guided tours?
Native dancing girls?

T.C.'s up to something.
And it's bound to be ill*gal.

[HAMMERING]

TOP CAT: Come on. We ain't got
all day. And don't smear
the paint.

"George Washington
slept here."

Beautiful. The tourists
will flip.

Yeah, but will they
believe it, T.C.?

The father of our country
sleeping on a park bench?

Listen, if they believe
that cherry-tree story,
they'll believe anything.

Come on, let's go. Benny,
get that hole dug. Step on it.

Go, go, go, boy.

BENNY: I better not go any
further, T.C., I might--

I did, T.C., I did!
I busted a water pipe!

Easy, Benny, easy.
Fancy, give me that paint.

Just be calm, Benny boy.

That's Top Cat, all right.
Thinking all the time.

There, that'll do it.
The original Old Faithful.

Okay, fellas, let's get moving.
We need some wealthy tourists.

How, T.C. How...do I look?

Well, let's put it this way.
Cochise has nothing to fear.

-Where's the maps?
CHOO CHOO: Right here.

Get your maps. Get your fresh
buried-treasure maps. Get--

Later. Save it for the yokels.

Cheese it, T.C.! Dibble's
coming!

-Dibble, quick. Hide everything.
Spook, the signs!
SPOOK: Okay, T.C.

Brain, Washington's bench.
Benny, stop Old Faithful.

BENNY: Right, T.C.
-What about me?

-What about me, T.C.?
-Come on, hop in this can.
Hurry!

I better keep
a close check on T.C.'s alley.

Scooby-Doo
Scooby-Dooby-Doo

Cha-cha-cha-cha

La-di-da-di-da-da-do

Do-di-do

DIBBLE:
Okay, wise guy, the joke's over.

Why, Dibble. I thought
those feet looked familiar.

I got a bone to pick with you.
All that stuff you handed me
before--

-Stuff?
-You know what I mean.

Guided tours, dancing girls,
treasure maps--

Maps! Only 25 cents. Three for--

-What was that?
TOP CAT: What was what?

I thought somebody
said something about maps.

CHOO CHOO: Maps! Only 25 cents.
Three for a dollar.

There. Don't tell me
you didn't hear it.

TOP CAT: Oh, that? Oh, it's
those men working on that
new building.

Amazing the way voices carry,
isn't it?

Yeah? Well, just watch yourself,
T.C.

Don't try to put anything over.

Put something over
on you, Dibble?

Why, it would be easier fooling
the FBI, Scotland Yard,
d*ck Tracy.

It's all clear,
T.C. Dibble's gone, and he
never even noticed me.

Then what are we waiting for?
Spook, up with the signs.

SPOOK: Okay, T.C.
-Brain, back with the bench.

-Chooch, out with the maps.
-Maps! Only a quarter each.
Three for a buck.

Come on, tourists are in season.

-Where to, T.C.?
-Down to the bus.

But, pops, like, you're not
gonna snatch the bus?
Jailsville, man.

Oh, please, give me some credit,
will you?

Who wants the bus?
I'm after the passengers.

The ones with money to burn.

Maybe it's a mental block, T.C.,
but something doesn't gel.

-What is that, pray tell.
-I don't get it.

Yeah. Like, how do we
transport the customers...

...to the scene of the crime--
I mean, tour?

-How do you get them to come
with you?
-Like, he could use a whip.

Boys, boys, boys,
you'll never make executives.

There's a certain art,
finesse, savoir-faire.

What more can I tell you except,
watch the master.

Step right in, ladies.
Plenty of room in the bus.

Good. We've looked forward
to this tour of Manhattan.
Haven't we, Abigail?

Oh, yes, indeed.

MAN: Oh, is that so?
Where are you ladies from?

WOMEN: Brooklyn.
-Brooklyn?

Oh, uh, driver, you're wanted
on the phone inside.

-Oh, sure. Thanks a lot, man.
-Yeah, that's it. The booth
on the left.

Hello. Jonesy speaking.

TOP CAT: Hello. Are you
the driver of the city tour bus?

Yeah, yeah. What's up?

This is the Motor Vehicle
Inspection Department.

We got a complaint against you
for overloading.

Are you kidding?
All I got is two passengers.

#Did you say two passengers?

Uh-oh. That means you're
underloading. Very serious
offense.

It is? Underloading?

Sure. Not enough weight,
a big wind, and the bus
goes right up.

You sound like a nice guy,
though. I'll ask our chief
to sign a waiver.

Now hold the line.
Don't go away.

Oh, good afternoon.
And welcome to our fair city.

Ooh, there you are.
When are we leaving?

TOP CAT: Right now, ladies.
Step right this way. Follow me.

You mean we're walking?
We paid for a bus tour.

Oh, no. Don't tell me the driver
didn't tell you. That knave.

WOMAN: Tell us what?
-That only a few blocks away...

...is a part of New York
never before opened
to the public.

A place bursting
with historical significance.

Crammed with priceless curios
and relics of the past.

ABIGAIL: Such as?
-Betsy Ross' sewing machine.

The very one she used
to make Old Glory.

A sewing machine? Betsy Ross?

Mm. It was just discovered
yesterday together with her
hi-fi.

-Are you sure the guide
didn't tell you?
WOMAN: Not a word!

Then you don't know
about the hammock...

...where Abe Lincoln used
to swing Martha Washington?

Abe Lincoln and
Martha Washington?

Shh, shh! Please, not so loud.
You'll cause a scandal.

Anyone for the tour?

Abe Lincoln and
Martha Washington!

Ooh, I'm so glad
we didn't take that bus.

Oops. The bus driver.

Excuse me a minute, ladies.
I forgot something.

Hello, Jonesy,
sorry to keep you waiting.

It's all been taken care of.
I have the waiver right here.

Now, according to this,
your bus holds 400 people,
right?

No! 40 people!

Forty people. Wouldn't you
know it? The secretary typed in
an extra zero.

Careless girl. Just for that,
she'll do the whole thing over.

Hold the line.
Don't go away, Jonesy.

Sorry to hold you up, ladies.

I had to make sure
the Historical Society
would accept such a small group.

-Historical Society?
-Yes, they're very snobby.

But once you've made
a small donation,
say 50 cents each--

Fifty cents. But what about the
money we paid the bus driver?

Yes. Why should we pay extra?

Please. It's strictly
a voluntary donation.
Right, P.H.?

BENNY: Right, T.C.
ABIGAIL: P.H.? Who's he?

Patrick Henry, Jr. They say
he's a direct descendant.
Aye, Patrick?

Give me liberty,
or give me, uh.. Uh....

[LAUGHING]

You see? It's been so long ago,
he's forgotten the rest of it.

Ooh, how thrilling!

Yes. He was going to be your
guide, but since you're not--

Of course we are. We wouldn't
miss this for the world.

Here. Take our money.

T.C., T.C.! We got trouble!
Dibble's coming back!

Oh, no. Just when we got our
hands on some money, he would.

-Sorry, ladies. Tour's canceled.
BOTH: Canceled?

Yeah. Someone snatched
Dolley Madison's wig.

We gotta close. The police
will be here any minute.

BOTH:
Oh, dear! How awful!

Well, you still got time
to catch your bus.

But hurry. You're on our
mailing list. We'll make it
another time. Goodbye.

Okay. Where is he?

FANCY FANCY: Where is who?
-Dibble, Dibble!

Oh, him! He changed his mind
and went the other way.

He what? You mean, I unloaded
my patsies for nothing?

Maybe I can get them back.
Ladies!

Ladies, it's okay, they found
the wig! Get off the bus! Wait!

You'll miss Betsy,
Martha, Dolley!

George, Abe, Benedict!

I ain't sold one pirate map.
I'll try the next block.

If that bombs, I'll go back
and look for the treasure
myself.

Here you are!
Genuine pirate treasure maps!

Get them while they're fresh!

Well, gentlemen, you must admit
that everything looks calm
and peaceful.

So far, so good, commissioner.

But we, of the citizens'
watchdog committee...

...are determined
to be thorough.

Otherwise, this town would be
crawling with hucksters
and con men.

And that's why we got rid
of the last commissioner.

Ooh. Yes. Of course.

Say, look at that little rascal
dressed as an Indian. Ha, ha.

Probably on his way
to a children's party.

Oh, boy, customers.

Get your maps here.
Get your buried treasure maps!

[CAR BRAKES, DOORS OPEN]

MAN: What's that you're selling,
my boy?

Pirate maps. They show you
where Captain Kidd's
treasure is.

-Right here in New York City.
-Hmm. Hear that, commissioner?

Of course I, uh,
don't suppose...

...you know the exact location
of the treasure.

Sure. It's right nearby
where T.C. is running
a guided tour.

ALL:
Tour?

And just who is this T.C.?

T.C.? Top Cat, our leader.

I've heard enough.
Take me to your leader!

Are you sure none of you
have seen Choo Choo?

Not us, T.C.

Wait a second. I might've
left him in the trash can.

It's okay, Chooch. Coast clear.

-Not here. Choo Choo!
-Hiya, T.C. You calling me?

TOP CAT: Where have you been?
-Me? Out selling treasure maps,
T.C.

Only, I couldn't sell any.
So instead...

...I brought back customers
for your guided tour.

Right this way, folks.

Welcome, gentlemen. I can tell
that you are men of culture
and refinement.

I take it this is your leader?

T.C. in person.

I told them about the place
where Paul Revere fed his horse.

-They're very anxious to see it.
-There's nothing like a thirst
for education.

If you'll step this way, please.

If you need me, T.C.,
I'll be at Captain Kidd's...

-...looking for the buried
treasure.
TOP CAT: Okay. Lots of luck.

Yes, one of these days,
we hope to erect a monument
on this spot.

What a fascinating discovery.

You're really positive
that Paul Revere fed
his horse here?

Why, of course. We've even got
the horse to prove it.

I said, we even got the horse
to prove it!

[IMITATING HOOVES CLOPPING]

[WHINNYING]

Well, gentlemen,
are you convinced?

I'd never believe that
something like this was going on
in New York City.

Right under our noses.

It's a lucky day all around,
isn't it?

Let's see now.
According to the map...

...I take eight paces
to the left.

One, two, three, four...

...five, six, seven, eight.

"Five paces to the right."

One, two, three, four, five.

"Warning, this building
coming down."

Wonder if the map
says anything about that?

Nope. It just says
to go straight ahead.

[CRASHING]

-This doesn't look like
a fort to me.
-Of course it doesn't.

The nasty redskins
burned it down.

This is all that's left,
the original Fort Alamo.

But luckily, we have some
souvenirs that we're selling...

-...purely for
sentimental reasons.
-What's that?

That is Chief Sitting Bull's
rocking chair.

Sitting Bull, eh?
Didn't he fight Custer out West?

Ah, you know your history, sir.
Good, very good.

Makes our task that much easier.

He got into a little trouble
with the police,
had to leave town...

...and he brought this priceless
family heirloom with him.

Now, who's got four bits
for Sitting Bull's
rocking chair?

Hold it, hold it.

TOP CAT: Why, Officer Dibble.
How nice to see you, sir.

I was just about
to tell these gentlemen...

...how well this neighborhood
is protected.

That with you on the beat,
we have nothing to fear
but fear itself.

Knock it off, T.C.
What's going on here?

COMMISSIONER: Officer,
this character is obviously
a bunco artist...

...operating a phony tour.

I demand that you arrest him
at once.

Oh, is that so?
And who are you?

COMMISSIONER:
The new commissioner of police.

No kidding. You're the new
police commissioner, huh?

[LAUGHING]

For your information,
the new police commissioner...

...happens to be
a little squirt with glasses...

...a tacky-looking mustache,
a potbelly...

...and most comically of all,
he's as bowlegged as a....

As a.. As a....

[GROANS]

Yes, chief.
At your service, commissioner.

To hear is to obey.

It's him, T.C.
The new commissioner.

Together with a
citizens' cleanup committee.

Well, my congratulations,
gentlemen. You all pass.

COMMISSIONER:
Pass what?

The test arranged by the mayor
and my acting group.

His Honor, the mayor,
wanted to check your ability...

...to see through crookedness
and deception.

And, by George, you've done it.

We couldn't fool them.
Could we, fellas?

ALL:
No, T.C.!

-It ain't working, T.C.
-It's not, huh?

No! Of course, you'll all
be given a fair trial.

But if I may venture
to predict--

I found it! I found it!
The buried treasure!

-We're rich! Rich!
-Huh?

Look! It's Captain Kidd's
treasure.

Please, this is no time
for jokes, Chooch.

We're being packed off
to the clink.

Hey. Hey, it does
look like real money.

Great! Now we'll be booked
on a counterfeiting rap.

No! Honest, fellas.

I found it in Captain Kidd's
hideout across the street...

...when I fell through the
floor. Only that part wasn't
on the map.

I get it, pops.
Like, he's pleading insanity.

Well, one moment.
Do you mind if I look?

Be my guest.

Why, these are genuine
Dutch doubloons. Solid silver.

They're worth a fortune!

A fortune? Did you hear that?
He says they're worth a fortune.

I knew it!
I knew I liked the looks of you.

We're rich! We can live it up.

Park Avenue, Monte Carlo,
credit cards--

COMMISSIONER:
Just one moment if you please.

Huh? Oh, it's you, commissioner.
Well, make it snappy, will you?

You say you found these coins
across the street?

Yeah. That old condemned
building. You know,
Captain Kidd's place.

I was following the map, and I--

Yes. Well, that property
happens to be owned by the city.

- Ooh, I feel it coming.
- Therefore that treasure
rightfully belongs to the city.

I'm sick! Sick!

-Like, goodbye, Park Avenue.
-Goodbye, Monte Carlo.

Goodbye, credit cards.

However, you should be
compensated. After all,
you did find the treasure.

I knew it, I knew it.
There's a reward.

Didn't I tell you?
The city has a heart.

I think it's only fair that
we pay you for the tour


That's $1.50 for
the three of us...

...plus a 50-cent tip. Makes $2.
Here, there you are.

Two bucks, huh? Well, it ain't
exactly the Irish Sweepstakes...

...but it's better than nothing.

COMMISSIONER: However--
-Uh-oh.

Under city ordinance


...it's ill*gal to operate
a guided tour without a license.

Therefore, in lieu
of a jail sentence...

...the fine is $2.

Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

Now, officer, if you'll pick up
that trunk, we'll deliver it
to City Hall.

Yes, sir, commissioner.
With pleasure, sir.

Yes, sir, sir.

Okay, wise guy.

TOP CAT: Who, me?
-Hand it over.

You mean this coin?
I was saving it for Grandma.

She loves old money.

You're getting off easy, T.C.
And take my advice.

Stay out of that building
across the street.

Oh, most definitely.

It's dangerous.

One good sneeze and the
whole building could come down.

-Stay out of there.
-Thank you, Dibble.

That's good thinking and
sound advice from a true friend.

You heard him, fellas,
he figures there's more
doubloons in there.

He wants them for himself.

-What will we do, T.C.?
-We'll beat him to it.

Let's go, prospectors.
The gold mine is that way.

Now, somewhere in that hovel...

...there may be another boxful
of Dutch doubloons
or gold ingots.

-Or maybe even some chocolate
bars.
TOP CAT: Very good, Brain.

Now remember, when we get
inside, everybody spread out.

-Spook, you take the top floor.
SPOOK: Right, T.C.

TOP CAT: Fancy, take
the basement.
FANCY FANCY: Check.

TOP CAT:
Brain, you search the rear area.

BRAIN: Uh, okay, T.C.
TOP CAT: Benny, you come
with me.

Benny, come on.
What's the matter?

Choo Choo's feathers
are tickling my nose.

Well, if your nose itches,
scratch it. Just so long
as you don't sneeze.

No. No, Benny, no, no, don't!

No, you're not-- You shouldn't!

No, no, no.
Point it the other way, Benny!

I told you to carry a hanky.

[SNEEZES]

TOP CAT:
Out! Everybody out, out, out!

-Oh, Benny?
-Yeah, T.C.?

-One question.
-What's that, T.C.?

What are you gonna do
for an encore? Sheesh!

I'm sorry, Top Cat.

Top Cat!

The most effectual Top Cat!

Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C.

Providing it's with dignity

Top Cat!

The indisputable leader
of the g*ng.

He's the boss, he's a pip,
he's the championship.

He's the most tip top

Top Cat

Yes he's a chief
he's a king

But above everything
He's the most tip top

Top Cat!