04x02 - Ringworm

[bunniefuu]

Alright. And once again,
the school district requires

that uniforms be purchased
at O'Hare's Warehouse.

If your children show up
in a makeshift uniform

from a department store,
we're gonna send them home.

What's the difference between
a blue shirt and khaki pants

from Filene's Basement and O'Hare's?

One gets them sent home. [CHUCKLES]

- Was that not clear? I'm sorry.
- Right. Right.

Also, guys, what did I say about

just shouting out the question, alright?

Please have some decorum. Damn.

But the PTA did
successfully get Abbott 30% off

for the rest of the month,
so head there fast, people.

- That's big.
- Mm-hmm.

- That's big, yeah.
- Right?

- That's cool.
- We did that.

- That's good, very good.
- Mm-hmm.

You're welcome. Alright, moving on.

We've received many emails

about the golf course
being built up the street

and what this means for our kids.

Not just our kids...
what about our community?

You know they're trying to price us out.

I don't want my daughter to have
to change schools next year.

Can we stop it from being built?

- Yeah!
- Uh-huh.

People, the golf course is happening.

- There's nothing we can do about that.
- Mnh-mnh.

Well, that's not true. You know,
I could pull a "Bagger Vance."

- What?
- See, I could cozy up to whoever

- their Matt Damon is.
- Oh, God.

And it's like I'm teaching him
about golf,

but really, I'm teaching him about life.

Mm. Just to add on to that,
that's a stupid idea.

- Okay.
- GREGORY: But to add on to that,

that is a really good movie.

It's Will Smith's best performance.

"Seven Pounds" is sitting right there.

- Are you kidding?
- I like "Elf."

That's Will Ferrell.

- Yeah, Jada's husband.
- No.

Alright, so let's get back on track.

I like "Wild Wild West."
I think that's his best movie.

We can move on now.

- It is so good, it has its own line dance.
- Yeah.

No, no, you're thinking
of "Men in Black."

- No.
- TARIQ: Okay. Alright.

Wait, "Wild Wild West" has its
own line dance?

"Does it have its own line dance?"

- [CHUCKLES] Well, alright.
- Go, Barbara. Hey!

See, here we go.
Now y'all done got her started.

I literally... I have a gavel.
I literally have a gavel.

Uh, yeah, so, I got this gavel

specifically for the PTA
meetings, you know?

I wanted to be like, "Hey!"...
bang, bang, bang, bang...

"Meeting adjourned," you know?

But I have yet to use it

because, uh, like most group functions

that take place in a Philly school gym,

every PTA meeting ends
the exact same way.

[WILL SMITH'S "WILD
WILD WEST" PLAYS] Hey!

♪ When I roll into... ♪
♪ The Wild, Wild West ♪

♪ When I stroll into... ♪
♪ The Wild, Wild West ♪

♪ When I bounce into... ♪
♪ The Wild, Wild West ♪

Ah, ah!

♪ Sisqó, Sisqó ♪
♪ The Wild, Wild West ♪

♪ We're goin' straight to the Wild,
Wild West, The Wild, Wild West ♪

♪ We're goin' straight to the Wild,
Wild West, The Wild, Wild West ♪

♪ Now, now, now, now,
once upon a time in the West ♪

♪ A madman lost his damn mind
in the West ♪

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

♪♪

The US Constitution
established the framework

for our government
and included the Bill of Rights.

But have you guys ever heard of Draco?

The wizard or the rapper?

[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE]

Well, maybe the best way to describe him

is through a little rap of my own.

[CHILDREN BOO]

Fine. Fine.

He created the Draconian constitution,

and he wrote a harsh legal code

that doled out one-size-fits-all
punishments to establish order.

That sounds like my mom.

[LAUGHTER]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Okay. We will pick this up next time.

Make sure you finish
reading that chapter.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hey, Brandon, why are you scratching?

He dirty.

No.

What do you have on your arm?

Oh.

I'm so excited
for our double feature tonight.

- I was...
- Ooh! Movie night.

Care for a third wheel?

[GASPS] Oh, it's a Jegory thing?

Don't want to make it a Jegoracob party?

No. Your call.

What are you gonna watch?
[SIGHS LIGHTLY]

"Dune" followed by "Friday."

YES. I'VE SEEN "DUNE: Two"

and "Friday After Next."

Now it's time to see the prequels.

Mm. Oh, actually, uh,

speaking of big worms...

and trigger warning, hashtag gross...

one of my students in
the first period has ringworm.

Welp. [CHUCKLES] There he goes!

Chin up, Janine. He lasted
longer with you than I thought.

Whoever's in charge of sanitizing
this place needs to be fired.

A kid has ringworm.

Ringworm?!

- Jacob, come here.
- Yeah.

Nope. Get back.

How do you know it's ringworm?

Did you touch it?

Of course not. But it was
clearly an itchy red ring.

And the nurse isn't here this week,

so I just sent him home
and sanitized every surface.

BOTH: That's not enough.

[SCOFFS] Jacob, ringworm

- is an elementary school's...
- Worst enemy.

Maybe you can keep those older
kids from touching each other,

- but if...
- One of the little kids get it...

BOTH: all of them get it.

[HORN HONKS IN DISTANCE]

BOTH: One... two... three...

Banana! Kindness!

Thank God.

Last time ringworm broke out,

we lost half the staff
and students, too,

- for a week.
- Mm-hmm.

This is horrible.

Oh, yeah, well,
this is worse than horrible.

I got a date this weekend, Jacob.

Did you ever stop to think of that?

And the guy's got a hot tub.

In-ground!

What's the relevance of that?

I can't with this virgin.

BARBARA: I had ringworm once.

My second year of
teaching. Ugh, it was awful.

But thank God I've got immunity now.

Barb, you can't get immunity
from ringworm.

Maybe you can't...

but I did.

Look, circling back to
how I did nothing wrong here,

I went beyond district policy.

I sent him home before
the end of the day.

Okay, well, I have a plan
that will guarantee

that the ringworm doesn't spread.

- I also have a plan.
- Okay.

First step... contain the spread

by keeping certain
special students separated.

- Isolate the contaminated.
- Alright.

We're going to monitor
student behavior...

Perform ruthless surveillance.

And we'll want to do
individual-based learning.

Put them in solitary confinement.

Um, that sounds intense.

Yes, it really does.

Okay, look, there's nothing
to worry about here, guys.

It's been handled. We're fine.

Well, it better be handled, Jacob.

A hot tub.

In-[BLEEP]-ground!

[SOFT, RHYTHMIC KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey. What's up?

Are you gonna open the door?

Have you washed your hands recently?

- I'm gonna need a verbal yes.
- Gregory!

[SCOFFS]

Why are you so freaked out by this?

I mean, you teach first grade.

It's not exactly a germ-free zone.

This is a fungus, Janine.

It's a whole ecosystem.

Fungi are like sharks, okay?

They're beautiful, elegant,

but something to be
respected, nay, feared.

Honestly, you're weird
if you don't agree.

Okay.

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

[WHISPERING] Thank you.

[SCOFFS] Thanks.

Okay.

So, this isn't a totally
surprising side of Gregory,

but it is a bit of a new layer
that I haven't seen before.

He really hates ringworm [CHUCKLES]

maybe even more than pizza.

But we all have our quirks.

I'd really be way more concerned
if he loved ringworm,

'cause I don't think
I can get past that.

[CHUCKLES] And he shouldn't ask me to.

Ah.

There ya go. See, one of my quirks

is getting carried away with my
own hypotheticals, so...

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
PHONES RINGS IN DISTANCE]

Brandon, what are
you doing back at school?

- I sent you home.
- Wait here, kids.

I tried to go home,
but my mom sent me back.

[CONVERSATIONS CONTINUE]

"Dear Mr. Hill, I know that's wrong.

According to the district's website,

my child doesn't have to be sent home

until the end of the day.

I'm not the one, or the two,

so please send my child home at three.

Try Jesus, don't try me, Patricia."

Is this a riddle?

It means I'm here
till the end of the day.

But I kinda wanted to come back anyway.

I let JoJo borrow my Switch,
and he still has it.

[CHUCKLING] Okay,
well, that's... that's...

that's discouraging.
Troublesome, actually.

Okay, so you tellin' me
you let some other kid

touch your contaminated game?

Yeah, but to be fair,
we all pass it around class

while we're supposed
to be listening to Mr. C.

Okay, this is bad, Jacob.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Come on, kids.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

- Charlie's finished!
- JANINE: Oh. Oh!

That actually looks a lot
like you, so good job,

but maybe some beige, right?

Add some color to it.

Certainly got a lot of those
unused. [CHUCKLES]

- Hey, Janine?
- Yeah?

The ringworm kid is back in school.

It's time to put your plan into place.

I have been waiting for
this moment my entire life.

All hands on deck.

Okay, I'll tell Ava.

- [INTERCOM BEEPS]
- AVA: I'm already on it.

Ava, I thought you said you
were gonna stop listening in

on our classrooms.

I'm a known liar. [SCOFFS]

Let's go to work. [INTERCOM CLICKS]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Alright, Mr. Johnson, we need
you to stand here 24/7.

And block this floor
by any means necessary.

Oh, I got you.

Nothing's getting past me.

No one's getting past me.

Alright, well, as you can see,
our plan is now in place.

Now, we can trust the older kids
not to touch each other,

but the littles... no.

So, just to be safe,

the second floor is
now completely sealed off

from the first floor.

And if all goes well,

we'll never see
those upstairs people again.

All kids' hands must be
washed at all times.

No going upstairs or downstairs allowed.

No group activities.

No recess. No gym. No library.

And no using the bathroom.

Unless they're supervised.

Well, see, that's where we differ.

I say pee where you stand.

And I say please don't.

This is a complete overreaction.

The upper floors
can't go to the library?

Jacob, you're just mad that you're stuck

on the second floor with patient zero.

Okay. You know...

I love you like a son, Jacob,
but I will beat you down.

JANINE: Jacob, if it gets down here,

everyone will be infected.

We have to protect the entire school.

This is not fair, and it is
certainly no way to educate.

You're being real cavalier right now.

Maybe you're infected and
that's the ringworm talking?

Yeah, when's the last time
you washed your legs?

I do not have ringworm.

Okay, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

[SOFT, RHYTHMIC KNOCKING]

GREGORY: No one's home.

[KNOCKS LOUDER]

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Gregory left!

Okay.

[SIGHS] Enough of that.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, you know,
we sealed off the second floor.

You don't have to do this.

Do what?

Well...

Where did you get that turtleneck?

Oh, it was in my drawer.

Why do you keep
a turtleneck in your drawer?

I don't know, just for times like this.

So, what... you're just
gonna stay in here?

Pretty much, yeah.

Alright, so...

Are we not going to do our
double feature tonight or...?

[CHUCKLES] I would say, for now,

in light of recent news, it's TBD.

- TBD?
- It means "to be determined."

- I know what it means, Gregory.
- Okay.

[SMACKS LIPS SOFTLY] Okay, then.

See ya.

[LOCK CLICKS]

[DOOR CHAIN RATTLING]

[LOCK CLICKS]

These doors don't have double locks.

GREGORY: I installed the locks myself.

Look, I'm not crazy, I'm pragmatic.

Why am I so far away?

Why are you so close?

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS IN DISTANCE]

MELISSA: Hey!

- Where are you coming from?
- The lounge.

Had to replenish my coffee
for the mid-afternoon slump.

Yeah, Mr. Johnson was
supposed to be blocking access.

You'd be surprised
what he's willing to do

for a wildberry fruit strip.

- Ugh!
- Mmm!

Okay, so not only are you putting

all the rest of us at risk,

but you're also blowing
your personal goal

of switching over to tea.

[STAMMERS LIGHTLY]

It's just not realistic.

Look, I made it through the outbreaks

of '02, '07, and '11

with hardly an itch.

I'm telling you, I'm immune.

God protects me.

So God protects you, but not the kids.

Something I brought up
with Him many times.

What if I don't believe in God?

I didn't mean that...
I do, especially when I fly.

I'm just saying, why don't
we leave God out of this?

Just 'cause I'm trying to make
a point, but we'll check in later.

Listen, I'm glad you're safe
with your God,

but some of us are trying to get into

- some heavy sinning this weekend...
- Oh.

So, please, no more ups

and absolutely no more downs, right?

In nomine Patris et
Filii et Spiritus Sancti.

The thing about teaching here
as long as I have

is I've had everything...

ringworm, chickenpox, mad cow,

sad cow, red cow, blue cow.

[CHUCKLING]

Mm!

♪ Freedom ♪

Yeah, it upsets me that people
aren't taking this seriously,

because I think what people fail to get

is that this hot tub
is in the ground, okay?

It's not a Costco operation.

The guy called a contractor, he
came to the house, he dug a hole.

A contractor!

And so a constitution is fundamentally

how we coexist together, okay?

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hey, hey, wait a minute.
Where are you running off to?

Let's all... Let's...
Let's stay here, you know?

Chop it up a bit. [STUDENTS MURMURING]

Have a hang. Chill.

But it's time for recess.

Yeah, that's what's, so, um, fire...

Fire?

Is we get to skip recess today.

- Get to?
- It might just be safer

for everyone if we all stay here

until matters calm down, rash-wise.

So you're trapping us in here?

[SCOFFS, CHUCKLES]

"Trapping" is a strong word.

- But accurate.
- Yes, you're trapped.

[STUDENTS GROAN]

Guys, this is...

this is apparently for the
greater good. This is good.

This is a*s.

- Yeah.
- Really.

- Right.
- Mm-hmm.

They're right. [BREATHES DEEPLY]

And you know why they're right?

Because I taught them
to question the system

and to speak truth to power.

And the truth is...

yeah, this is a*s.

[SNIFFLES]

God, why am I such a good teacher?

Hello? The Atlantic?

This message is for whomsoever
is in charge of great stories.

I've got a hot one...
local hero principal

saves downtrodden school from outbreak.

Possible headline...

"Ava Coleman Runs Rings Around Worm."

Unh-unh.

Ms. Lawry said if it happened again,

I'd have to come here.

It happened again.

I don't care. Get out. Get out. Get out.

[INTERCOM BEEPS] Attention, teachers...

no child is to be sent
to the principal's office today.

Kids, if you want to do crime,
now's the time.

Happy Purge day, y'all!
[INTERCOM CLICKS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS IN DISTANCE]

Mr. Johnson, bring
every disinfectant under the sun

to my office immediately.

Mr. Johnson?

[SNORING]

Are you sleeping standing up again?

Hey! [SNORTS]

No, George Washington Carver.

I invented peanut butter.

[SNORING]

I'm done with the chapter.
Can I go use the bathroom?

Sorry, you're not allowed
to leave unsupervised.

And I can't leave the class right now.

Look, I don't like it either,

but you don't understand
the kind of pressure I'm under.

You don't understand
the kind of pressure

my bladder's under.

But I promise, I'll go to the
bathroom and be right back.

What am I gonna do, sneak off
and learn something new?

Certainly not if you stumble
into Morton's class.

I'm not trash-talking Morton
with you right now.

Why not?

Because you're being worse than Morton.

You're being draconian.

- Okay, go to the bathroom.
- Thank you.

[DOOR OPENS]

Living organisms, tiny, little creatures

crawling all over your body,

thriving in moist areas, so...

[DOOR CLICKS SHUT, CHAIR SCRAPES]

What just happened?

That hoodie.

Gio, were you wearing
that hoodie this morning?

No.

- Where'd it come from?
- My brother gave it to me.

I was cold.

When?

Just now.

Gio, remember when we said
no one could leave the classroom?

Yeah, that's why I texted him

to bring it to me.

Bring it to you from where?

What floor is your brother on?

[STUDENTS MURMURING]

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

Mr. Eddie, my arm itches.

[WHISPERING] The fungi are here.

They're here!

AVA: Attention! Protocol
has been broken, y'all.

I repeat, protocol has been
broken, y'all.

The perimeter has been breached.

The infection has jumped floors,

and it's now spreading.
[STUDENTS MURMURING]

We are in full lockdown.

I am currently reviewing
the tapes to see

which teacher or janitor is to blame.

[INTERCOM CLICKS]

You just went to the bathroom, right?

- Nowhere else?
- Yeah.

Oh, thank goodness. [CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

But on the way,

I stopped by the first floor real quick

just to drop off
my hoodie to my brother.

- He was cold.
- What?!

And then I returned a book
to the library,

dapped up Mrs. Howard,

and grabbed a drink
from the teachers' lounge.

But I swear that's it.

You were just supposed to
go to the bathroom.

You know what's so funny?

[CHUCKLING] I actually
forgot to go to the bathroom.

Can I go to the bathroom now?

[JANINE SHOUTS]

How on earth could this happen?

My plan was airtight!

Apparently not.

- Barbara's been breaking protocol!
- Barb.

I thought your people don't snitch.

[SCOFFS] Then why are
all my uncles in jail, huh?

Look, it wasn't Barbara, okay?

Somehow, one of my kids ended up

with a tainted hoodie from upstairs.

- Somehow? You...
- JACOB: I'm sorry!

Okay, it is... it's...
guys, it's possible

that I definitely let one of my kids

go to the bathroom and...

- Oh, come on!
- Do you just hate me?

I worked so hard on this.

I shaved above the knee,
Jacob. Above the knee!

- That was so irresponsible.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, apparently, he had time
to also dap you up, so...

And I him, but I am immune.

- Cancel classes and shut Abbott down!
- Oh!

[LOCKS CLICKING] This is going to
wreak the worst havoc on this school.

I guess it's every man, woman,
and flawless principal

for themselves.

Send all the kids
back to their homerooms.

I'll be in my bunker.

I ate all your bunker snacks,
by the way.

[CHUCKLES] You don't know
where my bunker is.

[LAUGHING] Well, I ate
something from somewhere, buddy.

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

[SIGHS]

Hey, guys, this isn't cool.
[DOOR CLOSES]

Don't make Brandon sit in the corner.

No, I moved over here.

I don't want to give everybody ringworm.

Look, you don't have to
punish yourself for this, okay?

It's not a punishment.

I would have stayed home
if I could have,

but I can't, so, for now,

I'm just gonna sit here
and play my Switch.

[BUTTONS CLICKING]

Wish you wouldn't do that
while I'm teaching.

I wish you wouldn't teach
while I'm playing.

But here we are.

I'm just trying to look out
for everybody else.

[SIGHS]

That is what we should be doing.

Sacrificing for the greater good.

God [CHUCKLES] I am such a good teacher

that he taught me something, you know?

Everyone, come out!

Everyone?

- Oh, sorry.
- Why do we keep interacting?

This could have been an email.
A nice, sterile email.

You better be down here
with some good news.

Nope, nope. The day
just keeps getting worse.

Or not.

I've already submitted this to
The Atlantic, so if it gets worse,

it's actually better for me story-wise.

Look, I know...
I know I fumbled earlier,

and I realized now that I was
wrong and you were right.

So, I think we need to take
all of the exposed kids

and put them in a combined
isolation class in the gym

until the end of the day.

Hm, yeah. I mean, that's a good idea,

but who's gonna go in there
and watch 'em, 'cause...

[CHUCKLES] I will.

Unless...

Anyone else?

Well, worth the ask.

I wanted to do it anyway.

Godspeed, brother.

And, Gregory, I'll take your gear.

The hell you will.

Well, then it's settled.

I'll be a hero.

Okay. Bye.

JANINE: [WHISPERS] You got this.

Okay.

[CLICKS TONGUE] Damn, he is so brave.

[LAUGHING] Better him than me.

Might as well be you.
You guys live together.

Son of a b*tch!

Lord, this day.

Mm! I can feel the strength of God

just tingling through my body.

Tingling? Yes. Like little angels

dancing on my skin.

Why, look, God has blessed me
with a little red halo.

AVA: Barb, you have ringworm.

- Yes, I do.
- Oh, God. [STAMMERS]

Barb, I mean, we... we could...
we could just tell Jacob,

you can go watch the kids.

Unfortunately, that is not
God's plan for me.

Have a nice day.

Wh...

I think God wants me to leave, too.

No! Ava?

[FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Oh, no.

I ran this ship into an iceberg,

and so down with it I shall go.

Hopefully... Hopefully,
no one touches me.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Really appreciate you, Mr. C.

[CHUCKLES] You're a real one.

Thank you.

[DOORS CREAK, THUMP]

Bye, Mr. Eddie!

Whoa, oh! Alright, sweetie.

Have a good night, and wash your hands!

Alright.

So, movie night in
four to ten days, huh?

It's not so bad, right?

We can still FaceTime.

Yeah. Okay.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Bye, girls.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS IN DISTANCE]

[VEHICLES PASSING IN DISTANCE]

Alright.

So...

What movie are we watching first?

Um, okay, what about "Dune"?

Uh, or "Friday"?
One of 'em, I don't know.

I'll... I'll watch all of them
with you. I don't care.

Okay. Well, we have the weekend.

I got ringworm. It was
as horrible as I thought.

But we got it together.

[CHUCKLES] And look, we even
have matching rings, so...

No, no, it's not as cute as you think.

The trick is, if you always have
ringworm, you never catch it.

Take that how you wanna.

Yeah, caught it,

but turns out Jacuzzi guy
got evicted that morning

for having an in-ground hot tub
in violation of his HOA rules.

I said we should go to dinner,

and he said that would be
a violation of his parole.

So I just stayed home and itched.

I realize now
that God was just testing me,

and now he is testing
the whole church choir.

Ha!

But you should see Jacob. Oh.

Apparently, you can't really
get it this bad, but...

I guess I'm a medical marvel.

I didn't get ringworm,
but I did get a tapeworm.

Seafood restaurant
next to the gas station.

Got it. Passed it. Worth it.