04x07 - Deal with the Devils

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's

got Joe sounding the alarm?

Narrator: Why is murr about

to blow?

And which jokers will get pucked

up in tonight's double

punishment?

Prepare for something

amazing.

Hey, mustache, what's up?

I want my mommy!

I will never forgive you!

Larry!

We're here at pace university

library, playing a little game

we like to call "shh!"

Each of us have packed a

mystery bag for our opponent

that contain things that should

never be allowed in a library.

And we'll have to take turns

using each item in the bag

without causing a disruption.

If you get shushed, stopped,

or drive someone away, you lose.

Both: Shh!

You look like a psychotic

teacher who was fired, even

though he had tenure, and now

you're coming back to put a

pipe b*mb in the

recycling bin.

You do.

You're wearing a shirt with a

devil on it.

Like, what are you doing?

Oh, I thought you were

talking to Joe.

All right.

I think q looks too suspicious,

so let's start with Joe.

What is that?

That's a duck call.

It's a duck call?

It's hunting season, Joe.

It's so quiet out here.

Here we go.

Here it is, the duck call.

Did you get shushed?

No one?

Okay. Q, you're up, bud.

Oh.

Q's got the old new year's Eve

rattle.

Oh!

Party like it's 1999, b*tch!

Nice, Joe, nice.

He dropped it!

No shushes!

Let's see what Joe pulls out.

A balloon.

A balloon.

Meaning what?

Stop. Now that's your breath

blowing on my face.

Here we go, here we go!

Oh, my god!

Not a single shush.

God...

Here we go.

What is that?

A vuvuzela.

What is that?

A vuvuzela.

Joe's going for the jugular.

Welcome to study hall, guys.

No shushes.

What do you got, Joe?

c*ck-a-doodle-doo.

For those of you that don't

know, this is an old-fashioned

alarm clock.

Before we had holograms to

wake us up, this is what humans

used.

Stop it! Stop it!

People are getting pissed.

No shushes.

No shushes.

Unbelievable you didn't get

shushed.

All right, q, you're up,

buddy.

Look at this, look at this.

What does he got?

Pull it out, buddy.

What is it?

What is it, bud?

Is that an air horn?

Oh! Going down the gauntlet!

There's no way you're getting

out of that alive, buddy.

Oh! Oh!

Oh, yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

And that's the game!

She was like, "ain't nobody

gonna mess with my education!"

The gladiators have entered

the arena.

So, sal packed Murray's bag, and

Murray packed sal's bag.

Right.

You want to flip that coin, see

who goes first?

Here we go.

Oh, murr. Murr.

Murr, you're first.

Ah.

Oh, an electric pencil

sharpener.

Well played.

Annoying but might be a misstep,

because you're in a library.

Any shush?

No shush!

No shush.

No shush for murr.

Little bubble wrap.

Yeah.

Here he goes.

Shush-free.

Shush-free! No shush!

Wow!

Back to Murray.

Oh, a slide whistle.

Classic comedy prop right

there.

I hope someone slips on a

banana peel.

And the shush ball gets

thrown back to sal.

Sal grabs into the bag of

tricks.

What do we got, what do we

got, what do we got?

It's confetti.

It's a party popper!

It's a party popper.

Oh, my god.

Now does that not only make a

bang, that makes a mess.

That's right.

Excuse me. Sorry.

Did not realize that...

"I didn't realize it was

gonna react exactly how it's

advertised.

I apologize."

A jingle stick!

Oh, a jingle stick!

What's a jingle stick?

It's a stick that jingles.

Fair enough.

Oh! Oh!

Any shushes?

Murr, shush-less!

Sal's turn.

Here we go.

What is it? What is it?

What is it?

I'm not doing it.

What do you mean you're not

doing it?

Pull it out a little bit.

What is it?

We don't know what you have.

Here he goes, here he goes.

Oh, my god!

Wait. Where's he going?

You can't leave!

You leave, you lose!

What are you doing?!

Don't walk out, dude!

You're gonna lose!

Going, going, going...

You lose!

Done!

Murray takes it!

Narrator: Sal and q broke the

sound barrier, so they are first

up on the loser board.

Today, we're running around

the mall, asking shoppers, "have

you seen my wife?"

Honey?

But the other guys are gonna

be giving us the crazy

description of this imaginary

woman.

If you can't get someone to

say they've seen your jacked-up

wife, you lose.

I should make a disclaimer

here, gents.

Last time we played this, I

wasn't married.

So, to my wife, this is all made

up.

Can I borrow that map really

quick?

I'm trying to find my wife.

I can't find my wife.

"She's pregnant with my

brother's kid."

You know, I'm worried about

her 'cause she's pregnant with

my brother's kid.

"She was getting a piggyback

ride from a Turkish dude.

I saw her earlier.

She was getting a piggyback ride

from a Turkish dude.

Yeah. You know?

"She got vaccinated for

smallpox.

Now she has bigpox."

She got vaccinated for

smallpox, but now she's got

bigpox.

"I call her twopox."

I call her twopox.

Have you seen my wife?

No.

No, you haven't seen her.

Oh. Thanks.

Did you see him throw the

hand?

Can I see that one second?

I can't find my wife.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you see her?

She's, uh...

"She looks like an ugly

Bruno Mars."

She looks like an ugly

Bruno Mars.

You know who Bruno Mars is?

Yeah, yeah.

"She's wearing a giant gold

chain with a pot leaf on it."

She got a giant gold chain on

with a pot leaf on it.

"Tastes like peach

cobbler."

But her tastes like

peach cobbler, so that's why you

keep them.

Come on, man!

And there he goes.

He's down.

Well, I'm out.

Did you come from this way?

Me?

Yeah.

Did you just come from where

I watched you come from?

Are you in a mall?

Are you walking with your

legs?

I lost my wife.

Okay.

My wife, Irene.

"She was the woman putting

razor blades into apples."

She was the one putting razor

blades into apples.

Who?

She goes, "who?"

It's like a hobby of hers.

"Sometimes answers to the

name 'big Jim.'"

sometimes she answers to

"big Jim."

Oh.

"Neck like a chimney.

Knows her way around a poker

table."

She's got a neck like a

chimney, knows her way around a

poker table.

Your wife?

My wife.

"She's got a restraining

order from David schwimmer."

She...

You wouldn't recognize her if

you saw her.

She's got a restraining order

from David schwimmer... you

know, from "friends."

Excuse me, sir.

Did you just come from upstairs?

Yeah.

I was supposed to meet my

wife here like a half-hour ago,

and she done got herself lost.

"Her face looks like she's

holding in a fart."

Her face looks like she's,

um, like...

You know, sort of...

If you see her, tell her i'm

looking for her right here,

okay?

Thank you, bud.

Sorry, fart face.

Did you come from that way?

I lost my wife, Irene.

"She's got a really positive

attitude..."

She has a really positive

attitude...

"teeth like lemon

chiclets..."

teeth like lemon chiclets.

Her teeth look like lemon...

You know, like those chiclets?

The gum?

Yes.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

She's that way?

Thank you, man.

Thank you so much.

Oh, wow!

That's disappointing.

Irene!

Excuse me, bud?

I'm looking for my wife.

I can't find her.

"Angel of woman, beautiful

smile."

Angel of a woman.

She has a beautiful smile.

"Gorgeous blue eyes."

She has gorgeous blue eyes.

"She loves me for the way I

am."

She loves me for the way I

am.

"She comforts me when i'm

upset."

Comforts me when I'm upset.

She's just the most wonderful

woman.

"Smart, smart... college

graduate, phd."

She's a college graduate,

phd.

"Voice like an angel, sings

me to sleep every night."

She sings me to sleep every

night.

She's got a voice like an angel,

too.

"Works hard for her money,

and shares everything with me."

Works hard for her money.

She shares everything with me.

"Loves me, loves me."

"Buys me cars for my

birthday."

Bought me a car for my

birthday.

I mean, who does that these

days?

"Sir, look at me."

Sir, look at me.

"I'm kidding."

I'm kidding.

"A woman like that would

never marry me."

A woman like that would never

marry me.

She doesn't exist, that

woman.

Okay.

Yeah, it's...

You know anybody?

Want to set me up?

Excuse me, guys?

I'm looking for my wife.

"She's the majority

stockholder at Chuck E. Cheese."

She's the majority

stockholder in Chuck E. Cheese.

She's well-to-do.

"She loves sticking her thumb

in people."

And she loves sticking her

thumb in people.

"She's best described as a

walking bag of scars."

Best described as a walking

bag of scars.

Nothing?

She's blonde.

All right, thanks, guys.

Oh, do we not live in an

enlightened, modern society?

We do.

I can't find my husband,

guys.

Oh-h*-h*-h*!

Ah!

Adjust yourselves

accordingly.

Well done.

Here we go.

I can't find my husband.

Have you seen a guy over there?

"Great set of t*ts."

Great set of t*ts on him, my

husband.

Did you see... did you see him?

It's a weird thing we're going

through.

You didn't see him down there?

You set yourself up for it,

bud.

You set yourself up for it,

buddy.

Excuse me, ladies?

I hope you can help me.

I was supposed to meet my

husband here about a half-hour

ago.

"He's got a body shaped like

a question Mark."

He's got a body kind of

shaped like a question Mark.

Have you seen a guy like that?

"Definitely singing the

Costa Rica national anthem.

He's from Costa Rica, so he's

definitely singing the

Costa Rican national anthem.

This is my husband I'm trying to

find here.

"We nicknamed his labia

biggie smalls."

We nicknamed his labia

biggie smalls.

Are you sure you didn't see him?

Yeah.

He's a bad boy for life.

No.

If you see him, just send him

my way.

I'll just stand here being

depressed and lonely.

Okay.

Excuse me, man.

Could you help me out with

something?

I was supposed to meet my

husband here about a half-hour

ago.

"He don't know right from

wrong, got a hickey on his

forehead."

Oh, he doesn't know right

from wrong.

He's got a hickey on his

forehead.

Yeah, he's got a hickey on his

forehead.

We got a little crazy last

night.

"When he gets scared, he

squirts ink."

When he...

When he gets scared, he squirts

ink, like a squid.

Yeah, like it just shoots out of

him when he gets scared.

"He'd give you the shirt off

his back, but he's topless."

He'd give you the shirt off

his back, but he's walking

around topless.

"He played the letter 'e' on

'wheel of fortune.'"

he played the letter "e" on

"wheel of fortune."

I feel like I've been really

specific in my description, so

if you see anybody that matches

that, if you could just send him

my way.

Thank you so much.

Congratulations on landing

that "e," though.

I'm really glad you got to marry

a letter "e."

I was going for the "a," but

I got the "e."

Could be worse.

Could've married an "f."

Narrator: Sal and q couldn't

find their other halfs, so

they're coupling up for a double

punishment.

Yeah!

We are here at the

prudential center, home of the

New Jersey devils for sal and

q's punishment!

You guys are gonna be

goalies...

Goalies?!

Taking 100-mile-per-hour

slap shots to your faces.

Oh, and those are gonna be hit

by New Jersey devil legends and

Stanley cup champions

Colin white and Grant Marshall.

Whoo!

You guys, really, go puck

yourselves.

This is horrible.

These will protect you.

Ohh!

Ohh! You hit me in the

fingers!

You punched my fingers!

You have pads on!

Stop it!

Stop it, I said!

It's hard not to block!

I'm doing something!

You guys aren't mobile!

Murray, help me!

I'm like a turtle!

I can't get up!

No! Ohh!

We gotcha, we gotcha.

What are you doing?

This is not funny!

I disagree.

I think it's hysterical.

By Van riemsdyk.

Polak keeps the puck moving.

And bozak with the nifty pass.

And the leafs break out.

Here's Van riemsdyk, takes it

off the boards, goes backhanded!

Scores!

Oh, whoa.

Okay.

Centering try by Elias.

Goes back for the point.

Taken here by Larsson.

Scores!

Adam Larsson with the wrist shot

through traffic, and the devils

tie the game!

I don't feel safe.

You shouldn't feel safe.

You're about to get jacked.

It's the end of the period!

Devils fans, it's

"impractical jokers" punishment

time!

And now here are the losers of

tonight's episode...

Sal vulcano and Brian Quinn!

For their punishments, sal and q

will have to stand in net and

fend off a flurry of slap shots

from devils' alumni

Grant Marshall and Colin white.

Let them hear you!

All right, here we go.

Wait a second!

Why do they have so many pucks?

Oh, my god!

Wait!

Oh, my god!

Light them up!

Light them up!

Harder! Harder!

Get them in the throat!

Get them in the throat!

Son of a b*tch!

Yes! Get sal!

Ow!

Oh, my god!

Aah!

Rapid fire!

Yes!

[ Beethoven's "moonlight sonata"

[ plays ]

Aah! Aah!

Ohh!

Ohh!

They got him!

Aah!

Guys, it hurts!

All right, guys, they've had

enough.

I'm gonna k*ll you guys for

that!

Let's hear it for sal vulcano

and Brian Quinn!

That's how you do it.

Q can't even get up.

Look, they're pushing him off

the ice.

That was scary as