05x07 - Putting the P in Pool

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,

why does murr have
a case of the munchies?

What's got Joe hitting
the ground running?

And which losing joker's
gonna be in hot water

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're teaming up in
Morton Williams grocery store

working behind
the cash register.

The team in the back
will be telling

the team working the registers
what they have to do and say.

If at any point anybody refuses
anything, that team loses.

It's gonna be great.

Joe, no, come on.

Did you pay for that?

Find everything
you needed today?

Yeah.

Okay.

Murr, "your hat's crooked."

Oh, geez.

Y-

Your hat's crooked.

Your hat's crooked.

Hat's crooked.

All right.
Just helping you out.

There you go.
Looks good.

Now you look like a gentleman.

Good, how are you?

Credit or debit?

Get turned on when
she swipes it.

Oh, yeah.

Could you swipe it
one more time?

- Swipe it again, please.
- Swipe it again, please.

One more time.
One more time.

You have to swipe it
one more time.

Swipe it one more time.

Just swipe it for us.

Yeah, thanks.

- Ahh.
- Ahh.

What's it say? Enter...
Okay, yeah, so hit enter.

I'll give you 5 bucks to
swipe it one more time.

I'll, uh, I'll give you 5 bucks
to swipe it one more time.

- Ohhh!
- Ohhh!

Thank you.

Anybody got a cigarette?
Line 2.

Q: Oh, what are those?

Cocoa krispies.

Rip 'em open.

Pour 'em into your mouth.

Oh, come on.

Just turn the box over so they
just pour over your face.

Joe: Good?

They're great.

Now pour some milk in there.

What's cereal without milk,
buddy?

All right.

He's got to wash it down.

Just bag it, Joe.

Joe, start scooping up
the individual grains.

Just give me a minute.

Tell murr that only you bag.

I bag.

Oh, I'm sorry.

You don't see me come over there
and push your buttons.

I bag.
This is all I got.

I appreciate your Patience.

Did you want the receipt
in the bag?

I bag.

Okay, watch this, watch this.

Here we go.
Ready, guys?

"Wow, the godfather of soul
right in our aisle."

No. No way!

Wow!

You are a lovely lady.

Damn it.
We got through so much.

Bang.

Here we go.

Murr: Once the TV show
goes away, this is
pretty much it, right?

These two never
talk to us again.

You're looking at the ghost
of Christmas future right here.

I actually filled out
an application.

Find everything
you're looking for, sir?

Sal, call him "dumpling."

So, that's it, dumpling?

One more time, sal.

And then the apples are yours
as well, right, dumpling?

No, well, yeah, I was asking
if the apples are yours.

I wasn't just calling you
dumpling.

Oh.

It's a term of endearment.

That's for you to sign.

D-u-m-p-l-i-n-g.

It spells "dumpling."

Hi. Just this, then.

Q... "I have no job
if it's only one item."

I have no job if it's
only one item.

Keep talking.
Keep talking.

I don't even know
how I'm supposed to bag it

if it's only one thing.

It's one thing.

Sal: Thank you.

She's not even bagging it.

Hey, how are you?

Fine, how are you doing?

Good.

Calm down, sir.

Just calm down, please.

Look at the face!

Q... "he's right.
Calm down."

He's... he's right.

We're gonna need you
to calm down.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Joe:

Hi, how are you?

Murr: What's on her neck?

Nice muff.

Either one of you.

Sweet muff.

Oh!

Q... "yeah, and I like that
thing around your neck, too."

Say it, say it.

I like that thing around
your neck, too.

Hi.

What's up, man?

Oh, no,
that zipper jacket's open.

The pocket.

Q... zip it up,

but nice and slow-like.

♪♪

Slowly.
Look how weird this is.

All right, I'm gonna
need help with this guy.

You want to do some work?

Now I'm ringing and bagging.

Sal, say to this woman, "ugh,
I've been standing all day."

I've been standing all day.

"My feet are k*lling me."

"My feet are k*lling me."

"And I have to take
a mondo dook."

And I got to...

Oh, boy.

He's been on his feet
all day, this guy.

Tell her you got to
take a mondo dook.

I got to...

I got to take a mondo dook.

He's been talking about
this dook all day.

Well, one more customer,
you can drop that dook.

Mondo dook in 3, 2, 1.

Narrator: Sal and q have
this one in the bag,

so Joe and murr are first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at the palisades
mall, touching dots.

Whoever touches the least amount
of dots loses.

Are we good?

I think we got it.

All right.

That feels good.
This feels good.

Get it off me.
Get it off me.

I mean, don't give three
immature laser pointers.

Do you know if
there's any good stores here

for, like, fat people?

I've gained 13 pounds
since January.

You're going right
for the d*ck?
Right for the d*ck.

And I've noticed like this area
here, like, have gotten,

like I've noticed I was filling
it out more in like the total,

like, you know...

So I was like, "oh, sh**t,
I'm gaining weight,"

and I weighed myself,
you know what I mean?

And most of it, I noticed
that my hands were like,

like more, like,
getting swollen.

How long did this take you
to grow out? How long?

Does that... I was about to buy
my wife the same backpack.

Does that hurt?

And here we go.

Right there.

You can wear it all together...

It doesn't hurt at all?

How is that support...
How is it supported?

It does.
It does.

It's just like a backpack.

She's not a very strong girl,
you know what I mean?

So I'm afraid it's gonna
cause her to, like...

Together, and one on her back.

Are you kidding me?

Yeah.
That's great.

Both heads at the same time.
Both heads.

They're about $200.

No, like, that's crazy.

I was like, "oh, my god,
that's the craziest...

That's crazy, that's crazy!"

Oh, wow!

Two heads.

Bye.

Touché, buddy.
Touché.

Excuse me, is there
five floors in this mall?

There's four.

Oh, okay, because
I lost my wife.

Murr: There it is.
It's on the floor.

She's around here somewhere.

Q: Sal look.

Ahh.

Carla, Carla, Carla...
Oh, you're not Carla.

Ah, that was pretty good!

Murr:
Sal, on the wall there.

Oh, come on, guys.

It's, uh... it's solid.

Q: You ready for this?

Joe: Sal,
slap this woman's bare leg.

Oh.

You know what's crazy?

You got your legs out...
That's crazy.

Thank you.
That's crazy.

God bless.

Q: Oh, my god!

My favorite is the response.
She says, "thank you."

Do you know if there's
a public transportation system

in this area?

Q: We're gonna do a little
Michael Jackson here, buddy.

Cha! Hoo-hoo!

Doing my Michael Jackson.
I need to get...

Excuse me, do you know
where I could get,

like, a good tea pot
around here?

Start with the shoulder.

My girl, she loves tea.
You know what I mean?

All day long, she's like,
"you want some tea?"

You can get one of those
any...
sal: Foot.

Enough... enough... I'm like,
"enough with the tea."

You know, I bought her, like,
shoes and stuff like that.

His ear.
His ear?

Like, I try and listen to her,

you know what I mean,
when she talks.

Get his a*s.

Wow.

Uh, you ever play baseball?

No, I'm a cricket fan.

Oh, you like cricket?

When they do, like,
a good cricket maneuver,

the coach comes out and is like,

"ah, good move!
You know what I mean?"

Joe: That's it.
He got it.

You basically made love
to the guy.

Me and you should
get a drink sometime.

All right.

Guys, be careful not to
shine it on my belly.

It'll bounce right back at you
at rocket speed.

Sal: Here you go.
Here you go.

Is that the plus or the regular?

Is that the iPhone?
I'm sorry.

Murr:
What's that, bud?

What's that on the floor?

Is that the 6 plus?

Is that the plus or the regular?

The regular.

♪♪

Oh!

Oh!

Q: Joe, it's on
your crotch, buddy.

Narrator:
Joe couldn't hit the spot,

so he'll be beamed up
to the loser board.

Today we're at the park trying
to get stuff off our chest.

And the weird things
we have to get off our chest

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get a stranger
to confide a secret

back to you, you lose.

Joe: Here we go.

Q: He's in.

I hope a bird
right on your face.

Look straight up.
We are in the line of fire.

Look at that.

Two buddies just looking up.

Yeah, just two pals.

I got to get something
off my chest.

What's up?

"I once pooed
on someone's face."

Joe: "And I'm not a bird."

You know when you have
a thing on your chest

and you want to tell somebody?

I thought we kind of shared
a moment there.

All right,
I'll tell you the story.

I, like these birds,

I once pooed on
somebody's face, too.

It was an accident.

I once pooed on somebody's face.

You...

I was at a rooftop party.

I couldn't find the bathroom.

I saw the railing, so, you know.

I was on the 5th floor.
It flew off the roof.

Joe: This guy's looking up to
make sure there's no railing.

Some pedestrian was walking by.

Five minutes later,

this guy comes storming
into the rooftop party.

He says, "what the hell?!"

So there we are.
He's got my poo on his face.

I've got egg on my face.

What are the chances that he was
invited to the same party?!

Q: "You have anything you
want to get off your chest?"

Dude, anything you want to
get off your chest?

No.

Straight up no.

All righty.
Take care, buddy.

You enjoy lunch, okay?

You too.

Damn it.

I love this magazine.

I remember when this magazine
came out like 15 years ago.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I got to get something
off my chest, too.

"I'm pretty sure my girlfriend
lives in a creek."

I'm pretty sure my girlfriend
lives in a creek.

Yeah, like that, yeah.

There's some indicators.

Uh-huh.

She'll never let me
pick her up at her house.

Which is odd.

She always has me drop her off
at this clearing in the road.

And then she just retreats
into... into the woods.

Every time I talk to her,

I hear running water, you know?

She always tells me
she's in the shower,

but how many times could
she be in the shower?

She always sleeps over
at my house.

She never wants to go home.

You know, all signs are
pointing to creek here.

I want to ask her.

I don't want her to be
insulted or offended.

I don't want to end up up creek.

You got anything you want
to get off your chest?

Right.

Wait, he'd rather him be dead...

He'd rather his friend be dead.

Than not be friends
with him anymore.

Is that what he just said?

I hope not.

I hope not, too.

"I'll call my girl and tell her
to check the creek for bodies."

I'll have my girlfriend
check by the creek.

Yeah.
That'd be helpful.

This is a real awkward
conversation.

Sal: And here we go.

You know, buddy, I got to
get something off my chest.

"Jack the ripper
was a bad guy."

Jack the ripper,
he was a bad guy...

Yeah.

"But not all of his ideas
were bad."

Hmm.

But not... not all
of his ideas were bad.

Cleaned up the streets.

There's got to be at least one
self-defense in there, you know?

Joe: "You know, now that I think
of it, not a bad guy at all."

Not a bad guy at all.

You know,
now that I think of it,

not a bad guy at all,
Jack the ripper.

How about you? You got anything
you want to get off your chest?

No?

Did you ever k*ll anybody
in a London alleyway?

You ever m*rder anybody in
a fog-shrouded London alleyway?

Because that'd be cool.

You already know
my stance on that.

No dice, bud.
You tried hard, too.

You're really downing
that lunch.

That's a really good, bud.
That's really good.

I'm out here, I'm just trying
to get something off my chest.

I guess I'll tell you.
I'll confide in you a bit.

"I whisper curse words
in my infant daughter's ear

so she can have an edge."

I whisper curse words
into my infant daughter's ear

so she can have an edge.

Aww.

He received it as
a sweet gesture.

My wife doesn't know, though.

She just thinks I say, like,
"twinkle, twinkle, little star,"

but I'm really saying, like,

♪ twinkle, twinkle,
little star ♪

that's nice.

I don't only do it
during lullabies.

Like, I'll sneak in curse words
all the time.

You know,
she just moved to solid foods,

so I'm like, "hey, you want
these carrots?"

If my kid and your kid
are in the playground,

she'll be like, "give me that
swing, mother"

edge.

You've got to teach them,
"here's your edge."

Of course.
Of course.

- Edge.
- Go yourself.

Edge.

Edge.

You got something you want to
get off your chest, or no?

All right, bro.
Take care of yourself.

Damn it.

Joe, q, and murr
couldn't get a confession,

making Joe tonight's big loser.

We're here at foxwoods resort
and casino for Joe's punishment.

And if there's one thing
you're good at, buddy,

it's big, loud,
public announcements.

You usually put
the "c" in "cool,"

but today, we're gonna have
you put the pee in a pool.

Joe, you got to go into the pool
and announce to the whole resort

that you are currently
urinating.

You didn't pee in the pool.
You're peeing in the pool.

Murr: Here we go, Joe.

You actually look like
you might live in the woods

behind the pool, and you
just emerge to swim sometimes.

What's up with you guys

and announcements all the time?

I have to announce to crowds
what I'm doing with my body.

I know, but this one's
better because you're
in the middle of it,

and it's also infecting people.

Why don't you whip
that shirt off?

Take out those pecs.

Sun's out, g*ns out?
Sal: Yeah.

More like jelly out, belly out.

Oh, there it is!

The belly's come out to play.

Release the kraken.

Here we go.

Oh, the water's warm.

There you go.

You didn't pee in the pool.
You're peeing.

Look at him.
He's nervous.

Look how many people
are within pee-shot.

Oh, my god.

Ohh.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

I'm... I'm currently peeing.

I'm peeing in the pool
right now.

I... I had way too many
daiquiris.

Look at her face!

Why are you still in the water?
I have pissed all around you.

Kid, you should move
for your own safety.

I should get away
from the children.

"I'm still peeing.
I'm still urinating."

I'm still urinating.
It's a lot... it's a lot of pee.

I am so sorry that you all
had to witness this.

We've all been there.
We've all done that.

Don't judge, miss.

I'm done.

I got to tell you, Joe,
he steps up sometimes, man.

I wouldn't want to do this.

He just got a high-five?!
He just got a high-five?!