05x09 - Brother of the Sisterhood

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,

is sal's life
going down the crapper?

I was mugged in my own bathroom.

What's rubbing Joe
the wrong way?

I'm chaffing up here.

And which losing joker
will have to crash ladies' night

in tonight's big punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we'll be
in a waiting room

taking turns filling out
a questionnaire.

Except we won't be able
to fill it out

because our hand's
gonna be all jacked up.

So, we'll ask strangers
in the room

to help us fill out
the questionnaire.

But the answers have been
prepared by the other guys.

If you can't say the answers
that the other guys give you,

you lose.

♪♪

Group a.
Thank you.

Q:
Hand's all bandaged.

Sal:
What's the matter?

Your sausage links
aren't working?

Oh, no.
Look at him piecing it together.

Would you mind helping me out

because I can't...
Obviously can't...

I can't really do it.
It's gonna take me too long.

Thank you.
Oh, I appreciate it.

All right,
so, we're gonna tell Joe

what he has to dictate to her
to write down

because of his broken hand.

"Any major surgeries
within the last 12 months?"

I had my hand shrunk.

Um...

I had my hand shrunk.

My hand shrunk.

Yeah, it's a major surgery.

It was elective,
but it was major.

Look at her face.

"What's been the biggest
surprise of your life?"

My girlfriend had
a Japanese baby.

My girlfriend had
a Japanese baby.

Okay.

Yeah, I know.
I'm not Japanese.

That was a surprise.

Hey-oh!

What are my three biggest fears?

Q: Heights.

I'd probably say heights.

Definitely heights.

Being locked in a room

with a man suffering
from gigantism

while a b*mb slowly
and inevitably ticks.

Locked in a room with a man...

Murr:
Oh, no! He's losing it!

That suffers from...

Okay.

Gigantism.

G-i-g-a...

She's not even reacting!

N-t-i-s-m.

Okay.

While a b*mb is ticking.

So, heights,

being locked in a room
with a man

that suffers from gigantism

while a b*mb is ticking...

Oh, and spiders.

And spiders.

I can't stand spiders, either.

Murr: Good job, Joe.
Nicely done.

♪♪

Do you mind?

Joe: Oh,
she's offering to help!

- Wow, what a good samaritan.
- Yeah.

"How would you describe your
relationship with your parents?"

Non-sexual.

Non-sexual.

Q:

"Have you ever been
hospitalized?

If so, please explain."

Um...

Joe: Yeah.

Yes.

But not on an earth hospital.

But not what you'd call, like,
an earth hospital.

She's already regretting this.

"What has been the biggest
surprise of your life?"

I was mugged in my own bathroom.

I was mugged in my own bathroom.

It was crazy.

You never expect to be mugged
in your own bathroom.

"What is an ideal
first date?"

- A movie.
- Like, a movie.

And she gets turnt.

And she gets turnt.

"And she gets turnt."

Joe: But wait,
there's more.

And she got that thing...

And she got that thing...

Where one titty bigger
than the other titty,

and she show me.

That's a good date.

And she got that thing
where one titty...

Q: Oh, my.

Bigger than the other titty.

And she show me.

That's funny.

Um, okay.

"If you could choose
when and how you die,

when and how would it be?"

Yeah, I know,
it is a little bit.

It's okay.

I'm not gonna put
anything weird.

I want to be hung
in front of my friends.

Uh...

Just write "hang me
in front of my friends."

I have a funny thing
I want to do with my legs.

Because I have a funny thing
I want to do with my...

With my legs.

Make her read the next one.

"Do men and women..."

well, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.

Oh, he's not gonna say this.

There's no way
he's gonna say this.

You can't say this, sal.

Pass on that.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Sal vulcano is not a sexist.

Can I bother you for a favor?

Could you help me out with this?

I really appreciate it.
Thank you so much.

Here we go.

"Do you have
any food allergies?"

Let me think.
- No.

No.
No.

None that I know of.

"What are your greatest
weaknesses?"

Q: My bald.

My bald.

You know, my bald.

Yeah, male pattern baldness.

You can kind of say that bald
is my kryptonite.

Yeah, it's like... you know
how Superman has kryptonite.

I have bald.

"Have you had
any major surgeries

within the past
12 months?"

I had my ball gladder removed.

Ball gladder?

I, uh...

I had my ball gladder removed.

No, no, no.
I had my ball gladder removed.

My ball gladder.

"What's an ideal
first date?"

She pays or we go Dutch.

She pays or we go Dutch.

Enough of these gold-digging...

Enough of these gold-digging...

vapid...
Vapid...

pigeon-headed hussies.

Pigeon-headed hussies.

"Do you consider yourself
to be successful? Explain."

Not for a white guy.

Not for a white guy.

But she writes it anyway!

Well, it looks like I got
through the whole questionnaire.

- Wow.
- You got through all of them.

- Wow.
- Finished!

Sweet board.

Yeah.
Cool.

I'm Tony, by the way.

Tony gunk.

Back at it.
The gunkster.

Do you actually... do you mind?
Do you mind?

Sure.
Oh, thanks, dude.

Nice guy. All right.
Here he goes.

Who's my emergency contact?

Joey fatone.

Uh, Joey...

Fatone.

Really?
You know Joey fatone?

Yeah.

You know that kid
from new kids on the block?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.

Occupation?

Oh, occupation?
Uh...

Making ends, crushing holes.

Making ends
and crushing holes, you know?

"Makes sense."

"What's your ideal
first date?"

My ideal first date.

Sal:
I pick her up in my car.

I pick her up in my car.

We both close our eyes...

We both close our eyes...

and we drive to heaven.

And we just drive to heaven.

Do I have any food allergies?

- Peanuts.
- I got peanuts.

And deez nuts.

And deez nuts.

D-e-e...

"have you ever had a bad
experience with an animal?

I cracked a rat
a few minutes ago.

Yeah. I cracked a rat
a few minutes ago.

In the hallway.

Don't worry.
I didn't crop-dust us.

- Nice.
- You know?

"Oh, Mr. Gunk."

"If you become president,

what do you do your
first night in the white house?"

Make it the black house.

Make it the black house.

Yeah!

No, it's all right.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Yeah, I dig it, man.

Make that the black house!

Quit while you're ahead, buddy.

You said it.
That's all it takes.

- That's it?
- There you go, buddy.

- Gunk out! You did it, gunk!
- Nicely done.

Gunk out.

Gunk out!

Gunk out!

- I dig it, man.
- Yeah.

Gunk out!
Gunk out!

Gunk out!
Gunk out!

You got it, bud.
What are you doing?

I'm having fun.

Gunk out!

Narrator:
Sal got written off,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Whoops!

Looks like somebody dropped
a five-spot at the food bazaar.

Today, we're gonna let
a shopper find that money,

and once they pick it up,

we have to convince them
to give it to us.

But the weird reason
we need th scarole

will be given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't convince them
to hand over that money to you,

you lose.

- No!
- Everybody wants it.

Everybody wants it.

We got to split it up
or something like that.

Narrator:
It's a double down challenge.

This is supermarket
psychology 101, right?

The name brands are placed
in the middle shelves.

Why?
What's happening?

It's really interesting
how psychology...

[ Crickets chirpin ]

This is not a thing now,
for the rest of the season.

Here we go.
The money's set.

Joe:
It's like a traffic jam.

Look how many people
are around it.

It's anybody's five.
Anybody's five.

He's got it.

Let's go.

Psst, psst, psst.

That five dollars...

It wasn't mine,

but how about
you give that to me?

Why?

You don't need it.

You're sexy and hot,
and I'm garbage supreme.

It's mine.
You don't need it.

You're sexy and hot,
and I'm garbage supreme.

That was your $5?
Yeah.

Oh, it was yours?

Oh!
You liar!

You dropped that $5?

Oh, I see.
I didn't realize that.

Got it, got it, got it.
Okay.

He had a lie at the ready.

Murr: If it's a couple, you'll
always get the money back.

The guy doesn't want
to look cheap.

He wants to look generous
in front of his girl.

Sal, drop that beat.

[ Crickets chirpin ]

Sal:
We're in, we're in.

Here we go. Here we go.
- Here we go, Joey.

Q: This guy looks like
a trusted news anchor.

Oh, that's... that's not mine.

I was just wondering
if I could have it.

I lost a lot of money betting
on my daughter's swim meets.

I lost a lot of money recently

betting on my daughter's
swim meets.

Oh, you'll split it with me?

Oh, no, you faked me out.

But I recently lost a ton
in my daughter's swim meets.

I thought she was gonna be
a lot faster.

I was betting.

Fair enough.

- Oh!
- Oh!

Hey, wait a minute.

Did that guy just insult
my daughter?

Do I have to go beat him up?

Murr: Here we go.

Um, that's not mine.

That's not mine,
but can I have it?

I'm not wearing underwear today,

and this could change
everything.

I'm not wearing underwear today,

and it could change
everything for me.

Oh.

Yeah, 'cause I need underwear.

Yeah, yeah.
Thank you.

You know, you don't want me
walking around commando.

I appreciate it.

I'm chaffing up here.

Murr: She's coming in.
She's got it.

She got it.
Go!

Excuse me.

I, uh...

Q:
Oh, she's already attitude.

The money.

It's not mine, but I was
wondering if I could have it.

Oh, because...

It's my world and you're just
taking up oxygen.

'Cause it's my world, basically,

and you guys are just
taking up oxygen, really.

Fine.

All right, then.

- Oh, here we go.
- Here we go.

You take it, you take it.

It's not mine.

Take it.

It's not mine.
You take it.

Actually...

Actually...

No, you take it.

No, you take it.
No, you take it.

Oh, you're too sweet.

Joe: Oh!

So, sal found the sweetest
person in the whole supermarket.

Of course.
Mm-hmm.

I'm just joking.
You can take it.

Human psychology, man.

She's like,
"I'll pay it forward."

Look at what you're learning
about human nature today.

You've got the liars,
the cheats.

[ Crickets chirpin ]

Joe: Look down,
blonde-tipped Asian!

- You're in, buddy.
- Murr, you're in!

You're in!

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I get
that $5 Bill?

Oh, is this yours?

No, but I just...

No one ever really
says no to me.

No one ever really
says no to me.

Go ahead.
Okay.

Thank you.
I appreciate that.
No problem.

Oh, it wasn't mine, either,
but I just really wanted it.
Okay.

Joe: Here we go.

He got it. He got it.

He did the walk-by.
Didn't even break stride.

Hey, bud.

That's not... it's not mine.

Do you mind if I have it,
though? It's not mine.

Are you serious?

I want to dunk my ba*ls
in champagne,

and that goes a long way.

You know what it is?

I want to dunk my ba*ls
in champagne,

and that goes a long way
to buying a bottle.

What do you think?

Thanks, man.
Appreciate it.

Salud man.

Do you know where
the champagne aisle is, bud?

Q couldn't cash in a win,

and with a double down loss,
he's tonight's big loser.

Tonight, we're here
for q's punishment,

and buddy, you'll be getting in
touch with your feminine side.

That's right.

You're gonna be taking part
in a panel discussion

as an expert amongst other
experts on women's issues.

And all you have to do
is respectfully disagree

with their expert opinion.

Oh, I knew it!

I knew it was gonna be
something horrible.

We're throwing you
to the wolves.

This is going to hit a nerve
with a lot of people.

So he is going to be grilled
in there.

Q's gonna be an a*s
on this panel.

I mean, there's no other
way to say it.

Murr:
The ironic thing is...

I mean, q doesn't believe
any of this stuff.

Women love q.

He's a charming guy.
He's nice.

He was brought up right
by his mother.

Let's see him charm his way
out of this, though.

- Here we go.
- Here we go, q.

There he is.

Woman:
Thank you for attending she.

The focus of our evening

is going to be
a panel discussion

with three very distinguished
guests,

all of whom have written
extensively on women's issues.

Murr:
He's already squirming.

Woman:
We have Katie Goodman.

She's a feminist speaker,
author, and activist.

Then we have Rachel sklar.

She's the co-founder
of change the ratio,

which increases visibility
and opportunity

for women in tech and new media.

And finally,
we have Brian Quinn,

who is a social awareness
blogger

with his award-nominated blog,
"brother of the sisterhood."

So, the moderator's
helping us do this,

but q doesn't know that,
and neither does the audience.

Murr: Here we go.

It's still not uncommon

to hear the phrase,
"that's a man's job,"

and I want to hear your thoughts
on that particular phrase.

Katie, what do you think?

Katie: Obviously, women have
been able to prove themselves,

but it's really hard.

They don't even have a chance
to prove themselves

in this "man's world"

because they're not allowed in.

Joe: That's a good,
well-thought-out answer.

But now it's time for q
to give an even better answer.

Brian?

Uh, there are men's jobs
and there are women's jobs.

Uh, there are men's jobs
and there are women's jobs.

I mean, I think we all...

I mean, we're not saying
that that doesn't exist, right?

I mean, you're not...
- We are kind of...

We are kind of saying that.

But it's just like,
if you pull up to a garage

and you got to get
an alternator replaced

and there's a woman mechanic,

the majority of men...
And women...

Are gonna look at that
and be like, "hey, man.

I'm all for, you know,
women's rights.

I mean, who isn't?

But I also want my car
to run well."

You can feel it.

You can feel it!
- I can't take it.

We're gonna discuss some of
the most influential women,

who you think they are,

and sort of what gives them
that influence.

Michelle Obama, shonda rhimes.

Women can do
all sorts of things.

All right, buddy.
Now disagree with that.

You know, um,
these are, you know...

The Michelle Obama thing.

Eh.

She got there
'cause she slept with a man.

Oh, my god.
Oh, my...

I think Michelle Obama's
a fantastic example...

Right, but she wouldn't
be in the white house

if her husband
hadn't gotten her there.

I mean, very pretty.
Very pretty.

I'm getting... I don't know
how muccan take now.

Brian, actually, this
next question is for
you, specifically.

You have a blog entitled
"brother of the sisterhood,"

and a recent excerpt
from your blog reads...

This is q's "quote"
that we wrote.

"If women made
as much money as men,

they would definitely
spend it all,

specifically for their children,

because they're such loving
human beings by nature.

These emotions often
cloud their judgment, though,

making them unstable
or irrational."

Can you please explain
that quote?

Sal:
Oh, my god.

Q: I think that's true
of everybody.

Maybe I didn't make that
clear enough.

I've made a lot of irrational
decisions, you know.

I've chosen bad friends.

So I think the point
I was trying to make there is

just like, "hey,
you know, these ladies...

They're going through a lot."

You know.

Joe: Great answer.

Brian, do you have
any closing remarks?

If I had boobs,
I'd play with them all day.

Come on.
This is it, and you're all done.

Are you sure you don't want

to make closing remarks
before I go?

I guess my closing remark is...

Uh, you know, if I...

Oh.

Can't leave till you say it.

Oh, my god.

If I had boobs...

I'd just be home
playing with them all day.

So, the fact that you're not
is amazing.

Thank you, everybody.
That's it for our panel
discussion today.

Yeah!
He got through it!

Oh, my god.