05x13 - Browbeaten

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is sal having a cow?

Beefy mcwhatnow?

Oh, my god.

Narrator: Will the jokers'
cover finally be blown?

We're on a TV show.
Please don't sh**t me.

And find out what's
in store for murr

in tonight's hair-raising
punishment.

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we're working
the front desk

at Jay suites business center

checking people in
to their appointments.

Except that all the utterly
ridiculous names that we

have to call out have been
written by the other guys.

The goal is to try not to laugh

while you're calling out
these crazy names.

Whoever laughs the most loses.

Joe: Sal, you know who
I heard's coming today?

Crangess mcbasketball.

Crangess...?

Crangess mcbasketball.

Just have a seat, and I'll call
you out as soon as we're ready.

Q: Sal, see that pile
of cards in right front of you?

Those are your names.
Flip them and list them.

Hello? Yes.

Dill funk?

Minty cherubandtug?

Minty?

Maybe she went to the bathroom.

Mary Beth bethbeth?

We have a bunch of different
groups going on all over today,

so they might have some
crossover in names.

- He's laughing.
- You're laughing.

- You're laughing, bud.
- You're laughing.

Helena bottom...

Helena bottom-farter?

Helena? No?

Helena bottom-farter?

Joe: All right, sal, let's go.
Next name, buddy.

Beefy mcwhatnow?

Oh, my god.

Beefy mcwhatnow!

Tammy...

Tammy bundleballs.

Are you Tammy?
That's you?

No!

We have the wrong group, then.
That's all it is.

Captain Melvin seahorse?

- No!
- Oh, my god.

Um...

♪♪

Dr. Shrimp...

Joe: What do you got?

This is might be
my favorite name ever.

Dr. Shrimp Puerto Rico?

This is the name...
This is the name I have here.

Paging
Dr. Puerto Rico.

Together:
Dr. Shrimp Puerto Rico.

Joe: Hi, guys.

Have a seat right here.
We'll call you in a sec.

Q: Wow, this is
a diverse group.

All right, buddy, you want
to call your first person?

Yeah, let's get to it.

Sal: Here we go,
here we go.

Look at his face.
Look at his face.

Simmy kantstandyourbitz?

Give me that.

Simmy kantstandyourbitz, either.

Uh, wandamian crucifixplate?

Wandamian crucifixplate?

Q: He's... he's not laughing
at anything.

Denise fat.

Denise fat.

Maybe i'm mispronouncing them.

Jury prosciutto.

Jury prosciutto.

Rickyticky bobbywobbin.

Rickyticky bobbywobbin.

Dadood frumcheers?

Dadood frumcheers?

And so this is not...
These are names...

They have given me
the wrong names.

No, it's mayhem up here.

Avocarter phuks?

- Oh, I'm mispronouncing it.
- It's avocarter

Well, I mean,
I didn't name these people.

They're just giving me
their names.

And I went through every name
except this last name here.

What's the last name, buddy?

Q: Oh, wow.

Yeah, I'll check.

David krappenschitz.

David krappenschitz.

Murr:
David krappenschitz!

No? David?

David krappenschitz?

It's got to be the wrong list.

Very good, Joseph.

Joe:
All right, here we go.

Hey, what's up, buzz?

Yeah, I'll send him in.
All right.

Hungary denk?

Mr. Denk?

No?

That's him laughing!

Say it.
Try to say it.

Count ravioli?

Count ravioli?

Oh, Stefan. All right.

Well, I got
a dungareese weatherspoons.

Hey, buzz, just give me
the rest of the list, okay?

Dusty shidiz?

Oh, no dusty shidiz?

Who?

Rachel... Rachel dahubbahubba?

Tammy shehole?

Is there a Tammy shehole?

Moist kite?

Is there a moist... moist kite?

Can't help you.

No?
Two more, buzz?

I got to get out of here.
I got an appointment tonight.

Chug-chug pickles?

Joe: Chug-chug!

Nobody has names like that.

That is such b.S.

Darcy o'queef?

Are you...
- He's done.

He's done.

Buzz, you're k*lling me here.

Joe: Ready, murr?

Time to start calling in
your first peeps.
Here we go.

Is there a stevia flunt?

Flunt?

Stevia flunt?
No?

Joe: No? All right.
You got the first one.
Sal: Wow, stone-faced.

It sounded like it
could have been a real name.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Joe: I think we took care
of that with the next one.

Is there a cumby o'boombox?

Cumby?
Cumby o'boombox?

O-apostrophe-boombox?

Joe:
Cumby o'boombox!

He got through that with ease.

Q: Read it.

En...

Is there, uh...

Sal: That's a laugh.

- That's it, that's it.
- He laughed.

Is there an Enya...
Uh, Enya mouthhole?

Enya mouthhole?

Ms. Mouthhole?
No?

All right.

- The seal has been broken.
- The seal's broken.

Uh, is there...

Is there a taint nuffum?

Taint nuffum?

Joe: That's a laugh!

Got him.
- That's it, that's it.

Either of you taint nuffum?

U'nique...

A u'nique areola?

Oh, it might be u-Nuh-Kay.

U-Nuh-Kay areola?
No?

Joe: I mean,
he's laughing his a*s off.

You're done in the water, man.

Is there
a melba Moses wolfenstein?

Joe: I got him.

Kiwi frankencop?

- I mean, that's it.
- That's it... done.

You're done.

I think this is the wrong group.

Narrator: Murr couldn't keep
a straight face,

so now he's laughy mcloserboard.

Today, we're working
at evil olive pizza bar

asking customers if they'd like

to donate to our charity
of the day.

The catch is we don't know what
the charities are

because we've written them
for each other.

The goal is to make your charity
sound so believable

that you actually get
a donation.

If you can't eat four
pizza pies, you lose.

- No, no, no, no.
- No, no, no.

I'm gonna win.

I'm working my core.

I'm trying to tighten my core.

You know, what's a good way
to work your core, honestly,

is if I just punch you
at random times in the stomach,

and you don't know
when it's coming.

So you're completely...
It's just tight all the time.

Like, going like this...
You don't know when it's coming.

Ow!

I just told you.

Stop that!

Welcome to evil olive.

- Thank you.
- I'm Brian.

What can I help you
with today?
Two slices.

When you're ready.
Number 4.

I thought you were ready.
I told you.
Stop it!

We're doing something today.

We're raising a little money

for a neighborhood
charity thing going on.

We're doing whale meat
for the... for the poor.

You know, every once in a while,
you hear about,

like, a whale washes up
in coney island?

Okay.

What we do is
we'll get some knives,

and we'll cut some
of that meat off him

and fry it up
and serve it to the poor.

But then it's, like,
rancid meat?

It's rancid, but they're poor.

It's either don't eat anything
or have slightly rancid meat.

What is your name?
- Josh.

Seth, this is Josh.
Josh, this is Seth.
I'm Brian.

I'm on the board
of whale meat for the poor.

It's whale meat
with a poor-pose.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Are you a marine biologist?
- No.

Q: Then what
are you worried about?

I'm just saying.
Talking out
of your blowhole right now.

You know what I'm saying?

Hey, bud, what's your name?
- Joe.

Joe? Okay, we got
whale meat for the poor.

These guys are already onboard.

They're already committed
to donating $10 each.

There's three people
in front of him.

Somebody's gonna donate.
- Yeah.

It's like there's three of us...
You, me, and him,

but the two of us
aren't working on his core.

He is.
- Ohh, stop!

All right.

Joe:
Oh, oh, oh, donation?

Let's see.

- Oh?
- There's a dime.

- There's a dime.
- Ohh!

- That counts. He got it.
- A dime works.

I'm really orca-strating

a charitable win
for old b.Q. Here.

Murr, when are we gonna address
that the evil olive logo

looks like
James s. Murray.

Murr, do the look
that he's doing.

What would you like?

I'll take the cheese.

- Okay, you got it.
- Thank you.

I will tell you we are
raising money for charity.

In case you have any interest,
it's, uh...

It's serious

there's a lot of serious
in this world.

You know what I mean?

So what we do is we take

all that serious we got...

Ohh!

She gave him money!
Ohh!

Wow!

Thank you so much.
I appreciate that.

There's so much
serious out there.

You're right.

You have five kids?

Okay, well, here!

Take some!

Take some back!
There you go.

- She took her dollar back.
- She took it back.

- She took it back!
- She took it back, you idiot!

Why did you do that?!

What did I do?!

Hi, guys, how are you?

Are you guys in school
right over here?

Anybody over 18?
What's your ages?

Look at the cop!
Look at the cop!

Hold on a second.
Let me explain.

Let me explain.
- Look at her.

She's like, "what the
is going on right now?"

She was like...

Oh, my god,
you can't write that.

We're on a TV show.
That's why I'm asking.

That's why I'm asking.

You can't be on the show
if you're not over 18.

I wasn't asking
if they were over...

Under 18 'cause, you know.

Please don't sh**t me.

Can I get a slice of this?

Sure. He'll grab it
for you right now.

He'll grab it for you right now.

We are also collecting
for a charity today.

Today's is saxophones for Chile.

What we do is we
bundle up the saxophones

and then we fly overhead
and then we drop rations...

Like, saxophone rations.

We call them sax-ions.

Or rat-ophones.

"First it was
saxophones over Afghanistan,

but they shot the plane down."

Well, first and foremost,
it wasn't Chile at first.

It was Afghanistan, but when we
flew our first saxophone over,

we were in the no-fly zone.

They shot the saxophone to bits.

It left a sour note.

Flute?
Get angry.

Flutes?

Flutes... saxophones.

The saxophone is... you know,
the flute and the sax...

I'm taking the sax every day,
twice on Sunday.

The flute... who's gonna want
to do the flute?

I don't know.

People in Chile don't want
to do the flute.

- Um, thank you so much.
- Thank you.

Have a great day.

Hey, guys, can you cue
that sax solo, please?

Sal, when you came back
from the bathroom,

I had a brownie sitting there.

- Yeah.
- And you ate it.

Not all of it.

You got 5%.

What is this?

What the hell's that?!

Joe:
It's a tres leches cake.

Oh, that's my favorite cake.

And this... this is
because you took my brownie.

Q: I don't understand
the punishment.

Like, you're just eating it
in front of sal?

I'm just supposed
to get jealous.

I'm on break.

Break's over.

How you doing, bud?
What can I get you?

Regular slice half off.
Yeah, one buck.

Also, today,
we're doing a charity drive.

It's reconstructive surgery
for long-nosed babies.

Murr:
What?!

When the baby is born
and sometimes they have

a really long nose,
and then it just

affects the way they grow up.

I mean, my mother
couldn't afford it.

Joe, be disgusted at the thought
of a long-nosed baby.

I mean, a long-nosed baby,
you just look at it,

and you're like...
Babies are supposed to be cute,

but you get a long-nosed baby,

and, you know,
you get physically repulsed.

Have you ever seen
a long-nosed baby?

Maybe something else, then.

All right, how about this...
Improv for the homeless?

Right, they get out there.
They got nothing to do.

They need some skills to make
their life better, yes.

And all of a sudden, you know,
"oh, we're in a house."

They're drinking tea.
How do you feel about that?
Do you want to donate to that?

Let me hit you with one more.

How about this?
Boom.

Coalition for the chubs.

You get a bunch
of chubby people together,

and then they become friends.

And then they're all
hanging out together

and they're eating tres leches.

"Then they make
a TV show."

And then they make a TV show.

Let's say they're friends
from high school, okay?

And then all of a sudden,
they're a coalition, you know?

And they end up
in their fifth season or so.

And when the ride's all over,

they start doing
improv for the homeless.

No?
No on all of them?

Where's this guy's
slice? Here you go.

Oh, a donation!

Q: Oh, we got a dollar!
He got it!

- Ohh!
- Are you kidding me?!

That was just a tip
for the pizza.

Oh, that was a tip.
You put it in the wrong bucket.

I'll take it, and on
a technicality, he takes it.

Wow!

Narrator:
Murr couldn't get a donation,

so now he's off
to his coronation as king loser.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

It's time
for your punishment, buddy,

so we're just gonna
clean you up.

- Ohh.
- I'm already pretty clean, guys.

No, this is gonna be a good one.

Why don't you just follow us?
- Yeah, come on.

What's going on?

Going down.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Q: This would be the end
of my time on the show.

Really?

I would quit.

All right, hop in, bud.

Do I take this off?

Yeah, why don't you
get comfortable?

Yeah, might as well
get comfortable.
Get comfy.

Q: This is terrifying.

Hey, no!

Sit down.

Just gonna clean you
up a little bit.

What are we doing?

You're carving something
into my head.

Just lean back.

Lean back and relax.

Here, let me help.
Let me help.

There you go.

Close your eyes.

What the

are you serious?!
What are you doing?

Are you serious?!
What are you doing?

Sit back. Relax.

We're gonna shave
your eyebrows off. Just relax.

No, you're not!

Shave my eyebrows off?
Are you kidding me?!

You lost!

You can't shave
a man's eyebrows off!

Yeah, well, we're about to.

It's my nephew's confirmation
in two weeks.

I'm his sponsor!

Oh, my god.

Man, are you serious?

By the way, tomorrow, we are
all off to London together

to film an episode there
for a week.

So he's gonna have no eyebrows
in the entire London episode.

I quit.
You're right.

You can't!

Murr, you take pride
in your eyebrows.

We all know that.
- Of course I do.

So we're gonna take away
your pride.

I actually shave my eyebrows
with a straight razor.

Is that weird?

That is weird.

Look, we'll catch up
with you guys later.

I'm James.
Nice to meet you, Linda.

Murr, are you waxing
your eyebrows?

'Cause that's what it
looks like from here, buddy.

Those eyebrows... he really went
overboard with those things.

My eyebrows look popping.

Oh, god.
I can't, I can't.

Ohh.

- Stay still.
- Lean back.

- Oh, my god!
- Close your eyes.

Are you serious?

Come on!

Oh, my god,
what does this look like?

It's okay.

This is not right, guys.

Oh, my god.

What does it look like
right now?!

Oh, my god!

I look like Lex Luthor!

Q: Well, not yet.

No!

Say goodbye to the scruffs,
what you got left up here.

It's all going.

Murr, are you angry?
I can't tell.

You don't have eyebrows.
Murr, are you mad?

Are you happy?
Are you sad?

Did you hear Carol's son

got a house
at the end of the block?

I did. I did.

Thinks he's hot now.

Did you see Connie's
new minivan?

How could you miss it?
It's all over social media.

Ohh, hot pink?

Man: When we finish,
can we take a picture together?

Murr: Sure. Can you put
my eyebrows back?

When can I look in the mirror?

Ohh! Guys!

Oh, my god!

I look so weird!

I look like I just came out
of a vag*na!

Look at the back.

No!

This is the best part!

Sal: We found
a way to make it worse.

Thanks so much.

We got to get you to your
next appointment, bud.

Come on. This is enough.
What next appointment?

- Well...
- Uh, well...

We wanted this because the thing
is that this grows back, right?

So there's only one way to
capture this moment in eternity.

Yeah, new driver's
license photo.

Oh, my god.

No!
- You got 2:00 at the dmv.

Look at my
driver's license photo!

All right, murr's ready for
his appointment at the dmv.

Come on!

Think of every time you have
to show photo I.D.,

this is what's looking
at the person who's checking.
Oh, my god.

I can't even stand next
to him any more.
Get away, get away.

- It looks creepy, dude.
- Come back.

No!

I got to cancel everything.
I got to cancel everything.

The guy's taking photos.
You like this?

Yeah! Look!

All right, bud, go in.

- All right.
- See you later.

Joe:
Somebody's mail came!

The driver's license is here.

We haven't seen it yet.

- Oh, god.
- All right, fellas.

Oh, my god!

Sal:
You look like a demon.

That is bad.

Expires march 2026.

Oh.

Dude, it's gonna be
a long decade.