05x24 - Stage Fright

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is murr
tickling the ivories?

Will sal have the last laugh?

Murr:
Look at him!

And which losing joker

will break a leg
in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today, we are in Brooklyn,

working in teams
at gem pawnbrokers.

While working the pawnshop,

we'll have to do and say
whatever the other guys tell us.

If you can't do or say something

that the other team tells you,
you lose.

What do you guys think
I can get for this watch?

That's my watch.
You jerk.

Max.
Is that a good mic?

Avantone.

What's it, murr?
I'll look it up.

It's u-s-e-d.
U-sed avantone.

A-v-a-n...

Are you...

It's "used."
The word "used," buddy?

Yeah, it says u-s-e.

I'm looking upside down
and backward, bud.

U-sed.

There you go, friend.
Salutatorian.

- What are you looking for?
- Okay.

The second it hits the table,
offer $4,000.

Joe, here just like,
"no, no, no."

Ah.

I'll give you 4,000.

No.

No.

No, man. No.

These are diamonds.
This has got 20 diamonds on it.

- I'll give you 4,000.
- No.

No, you won't.

Murr, raise the price to 5.

Hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.

You're right, you're right,
you're right.

- My mistake. 5,000.
- No!

Murr, take Joe on the side,
but make sure she can hear you.

Whisper to him, "I think
we should give her $1 million."

I think we should give her
$1 million.

You stupid.
No.

You have to reread
the handbook, man.

$1.50.

What's up, buddy?

Okay. It's a gold chain
here with a...

Joe, was that in his a*s?

'Cause you ain't buying this
if it was in his a*s.

Was this...
Was this in your a*s?

Okay, it wasn't in his a*s,
so I'm gonna check it out.

Okay, this is clean.
It's clean.

I'm gonna check it out.

Sal: Smell it, murr.
Just give it a sniff.

It's not... not in the a*s.

No, it's clean.

Hi, sir.
How are you?

Murr, this guy has to let you
touch his teeth or you lose.

You got a... I like the way...

I do the full thing here.
You got a tight... looks great.

Well done.

I used to do
all my own manicuring,

everything, you know...
I used to shave this, this.

I used to do
my own dental work, too.

Yeah. No joke, I knocked
my two front teeth out.

Let me see.
Nah, you're great.

Yeah, but you see,
you got the...

Yeah, see, that's fine.

He did it!
He did it!

- Oh, a movado.
- Yeah.

- That's a great watch.
- Sweet tattoo, guys.

Sweet tats.

Are those those
new scratch and sniff ones?

Are those the new
scratch and sniff ones?

Oh.

May I?

There you go.

Hey, q, get in there.

Guys, at the same time,
get in there.

Scratch...
There you go, there you go.

Smells like a man
on a hot summer day.

On the count of 3, guess weight.

1, 2, 3.

- 210?
- 225?

Zodiac sign, 1, 2, 3.

- Scorpio?
- Gemini?

Pisces.
I'm a pisces, too.

Blood type, blood type on 3.

1, 2, 3.

- O-positive.
- O-negative?

I have no clue.

What's that?

How do you guys
get away with the show?

This guy is on the show,
he knows the show,

he doesn't realize
it's sal and q.

That's me!
He's describing me.

- The mall, in the mall.
- Oh! That guy sounds weird.

It's the guy
that looks like a ferret.
Yes.

They're doing really good in
their ratings, plus-3 ratings.

You're not getting tired
of it yet?
No.

- Yeah, they keep it fresh.
- Yeah.

Joe: Sal keeps
complimenting the show.

You want to go in and say hi?

That's the best part about it
is just...

Yeah, pull it up on your phone,
pull it up on your phone.

Oh that is those guys.

So hold on.

Dude! You're describing
our own show to us!

God!

What an honest,
glowing endorsement.

That is great, man.

I'm glad you like the show,
dude.

That's great.
You were just on it, so...

Hello.
Do you need help with anything?

Just browsing?

You shopping for your husband?

You shopping for your husband?

Okay.

You want to go grab a drink?

Do you want to...

Hey, you want to go grab
a drink?

Nicely done.

Hey, how's it going, sir?

What do you got here, coins?

Joe: So, q,
when people come in with coins,

we pay them with dried beans.

Well, that explains this.

Joe: You see a bag
of dried beans there.

Yeah. Well, we're running
a special today.

We have, uh...

magic beans.

What do you say?

Deal?

Joe: Did you
just blow your nose?

Did you just
blow your nose there?

Yeah, can I take that tissue,
I'll throw it out for you?

Murr:

I... I'm fine with the loss.
I'm okay with it.

Well done.

Narrator:
Sal and q weren't pawn stars,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're in the park asking
strangers for forgiveness.

What are we sorry about?
The hell if we know.

The other guys are gonna tell us

the weird thing
we have to apologize for,

then we have to hug it out.

I'm sorry for him.

Don't apologize for me ever.

Now, why are we hugging?

Murr: Go on, sal.
Make first contact.

He's done 130 episodes,

and this moment is still
as awkward to him.

It's really warm out here, huh?

Joe: Wait till
she takes a huge bite,

and then start talking to her.

Dude, wait till she one-throats

a pret a manger
chicken avocado sandwich,

and then start the conversation.

You idiot.

Get up and walk away.

Hold on, wait till she takes
a phone call and tell her,

"how 'bout them Yankees?",
you idiot.

Look at him!

He's talking,

she's one-throating,

and you try to start a convo
about the weather.

She's going to town
on that thing

like it owes her money.

Q: And now he's just laughing
like a joker

for no discernable reason.

Murr: Now you're a grown man
crying on a bench.

It's crazy
how warm it got out here.

It was so windy before.

That was easy.

We didn't have to
give him anything.

This weather's crazy, huh?

I should...
I should apologize to you.

I, um...

I thought your nose was a huge
banana slug from a distance.

Ah, man.

How do I... how do I say this?

I, uh... I thought your nose was

like a huge banana slug
from a distance.

I mean, I...
You know, I'm just saying.

When I was walking over, I was
like, "oh, that's peculiar.

There's a banana slug
on his face."

But then when I got over,
I see that it's...

You're a normal...
It's a normal nose.

Everything's normal.
No... nothing's a banana slug.

'Cause up close.

- Up close...
- It looks like a normal slug.

It looks like a normal slug.

Looks like a normal nose.

You led him right into that one.

Hug it out.
Hug it out.

I'm sorry, buddy.
Yeah.

Thank you, thank you.
Thank you.

I'm just glad
you didn't slug me.

You know what I found odd?
There's only one flower.

There's only one flower
out of all these that
have popped up so far.

- Isn't that crazy?
- Are you talking to me?

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry.
Yeah, isn't that crazy?

Out of all these,
there's only one.
One that's trying...

Stupid conversations.

This is a stupid conversation.

I'm just trying
to break the ice.

I'm telling you.
I'm not telling you to say it.

- I owe you an apology.
- For?

My apology is because...

I know a guy like me

doesn't have a shot
with a girl like you,

so I kicked a squirrel
across the park.

I know a guy like me

doesn't have a shot
with a girl like you,

so I kicked a squirrel
across the park.

Man, that squirrel
just took off,

and I made it
into a flying squirrel.

I should apologize
to the squirrel?

The day I laid eyes on you

was a death sentence
for that squirrel.

See? Yeah.
Yeah. So am I.

So that's what makes it
even doubly awkward now.

But, you know, I'm sorry,
is basically my point.

- Do you forgive me?
- Of course.

Do we want to seal this
with a hug?

A handshake?

Okay.
A handshake will do.

For me to lose miserably.

Murr: Here we go.

I've never been
to this park before.

I didn't realize
they had so much.

Sorry, I'm just trying
to break the ice,

'cause I... I owe you
an apology.

I've been middle fingering you

every time
you had your back to me.

I've been middle fingering you

every time
you had your back to me.

I mean, like every time
you turned around,

I was like,
"uh, this guy..." You know?

I think it comes from a place
of jealousy, to be honest,

'cause you got such a good
style, everything's together.

And I'm just a...

I look like my nose is
a banana slug and I'm a pig.

I mean, look at me, you know?

Joe, go behind him
and demonstrate.

'Cause, you know, 5 minutes ago,

I was like, straight up,
I was like...

And I, like, pretended
nothing was going on

when you turned back around.

- But we're good?
- We're good.

Great.
You accept my apology?

Yeah. I didn't see you,
but that's all right.
Okay.

You want to hug it out?

Definitely not.

Definitely not. Yeah.

Definitely not.

- How about a handshake?
- Yeah.

All right, there we go.

Ah! He just gave you the middle
finger behind your back!

All right,
now we're even, I guess.

Hey, I got to apologize to you,
by the way.

I keep picturing you eating
Mac and cheese out of a toilet.

I was sitting over there before

and I keep picturing you

eating Mac and cheese
out of a toilet.

I can't get it
out of my head, man.

Like, no spoon,
just head in there,

cheese everywhere.

Just almost like you had
a bad night out,

and you come home and your
head's just in the toilet,

that kind of thing,
but full of Mac and cheese.

The shells, you know,
the shells.

I don't know, it's just...
It's just...

I know, I'm sorry.
You Fo... you forgive me?

I don't know. Ah!

Bro code.
I'm apologizing to you.

You do? All right.
Hug it out.

Come on.
All right!

No spoon, no spoon.
Right?

Shells. No spoon.

Q: And he's sitting down
next to him.

Like now you're just
gonna hang out with him?

Get out of there.

Okay, bye!

Excuse me?

Is that Robin, Tim Drake, Robin,
or like the new one?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm just a big comic book guy,

so every time I see
comic book people in the park,

I'm always like,
"oh, man, like, what's up?"

And that's how q gets a date.

Actually, I do kind of
owe you an apology.

I've been storking you.

Which is not to be confused
with stalking.

I've been... I've kind of
been storking you.

It's not the same as stalking.

It's like this program
that I developed that,

you take a picture of a person

and then you take a picture
of a stork,

and then if they had a baby...

Like I have pictures of you
all over my room

with, like, a beak.

Or with, like, wings flying
above my grandmother's grave.

- Why don't we hug it out?
- Sure.

Ah, all right.
Come on.

You good-looking stork.

Excuse me, sir?

Do you know when they turn
the fountain on?

I always come to look at the
fountain, you know what I mean?

You know, I actually owe you
an apology, sir.

I don't like your kind.

I don't like your kind.

I just don't like your kind.
And... and I feel like

maybe I've been
a harsh judgement of your kind.

What is your kind?

Sitting in the park,
enjoying the nice day,

some say layabouts.

So I just wanted to apologize

and let you know
that as of today,

I'm changing my ways

and I'm gonna enjoy the sun
just like you.

You want to, uh...

You want to just seal this
with a hug?

No way?

You're not the kind to hug,
right?

Narrator: Joe and q are sorry
they didn't get a hug,

so they're headed
to the loser board.

Today we're back
at New York City's
Roosevelt island tram,

but this time,
we're riding as passengers.

While riding the tram,

we're gonna have to
complete a task

given to us by the other guys.

If you can't complete
that crazy task

before the tram ride is over,
you lose.

We're inside this time?

This time we're inside.

All right, murr, here we go.

Oh, my god, it's packed.

All you got to do is give these
people a sensual pole dance.

Ladies and gentlemen,
for your enjoyment,

I will now do
a sensual pole dance.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, wow.

- Oh, my god.
- Wow.

Sal:
This isn't very sensual.

Joe: Sensual.
You promised sensual.

What strip clubs
have you been to

that this is a pole dance?

Ohh!

He fell!
He fell!

- He fell!
- Oh, my god.

Joe: All right, q,
all you got to do

is bark at someone
the whole time.

Oh, god.

Ruff!

Bark! Bark!

God, this is so dumb.

- Now it is.
- You got to keep barking.

Ruff! Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!

A lot of traffic today.

Ruff! Ruff!

- Yeah, the thumbs-up sells it.
- Nicely done.

You made it.
You're my dog.

All right, bud, here we go.

All right, so sal's going to
give a speech.

Oh, gosh.

Murr: Yeah, sal,
why don't you pull out

that piece of paper we gave you?

Ladies and gentlemen,
excuse you?

Please give me
a moment of your time.

Yes, I am an adult male,

but yes,
these are my baby teeth.

What I do need from you
is an adult male

to help put a baby in me.

Yes, I do have
both sets of genitalia.

Because I still have
my baby teeth,

it has been hard to find a mate.

Excuse you, sir?

Will you put a baby in me?

- Aw. There it is.
- Ugh.

Thank you for your time.

Okay, Joe is going to
eat peanuts.

But he's got to do it
in his underwear.

Oh, guys.

Wait, his shoes...
His shoes are off.

Oh, here we go.

Ugh. Ugh.

Ohh.

- Ohh!
- Ohh!

Sal: They think they're trapped
in this box in the sky

with a crazy person.

Oh, man.

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Narrator: It was a smooth ride
for all the guys,

which makes q
tonight's big loser.

All right, so q lost,
so we are here

at the college of staten island
center for the performing arts,

where right now out there

are a bunch of native
staten islanders

waiting to see a performance.

And the best part about theater
is the musicals.

I'm not singing.

We wrote up your lines.
They're on cue cards.

Just go out there
and be the star of the show.

This is gonna be amazing.
'Cause you stuck at this.

It's go time.

Murr: While q's getting ready
for the show,

we've got a surprise for him.

What you may not know is that
before "impractical jokers,"

q was actually a fireman
for eight years

here in New York City.

What q doesn't know is

that we just replaced
that entire audience

with everyone
that he used to work with

on the fire department.

Oh, and they love musicals.

♪ It's a wonderful day
on staten island ♪

♪ perfect day to sing a song

♪ what a beautiful day
on staten island ♪

♪ nothing can go wrong

here comes q in his car.

- Quinn!
- Ooh!

- Yeah!
- It's all your firemen buddies.

Hey, aren't you Brian Quinn?

Go to the cue cards.

Give me a minute.

Yeah, but they call me q now.

I heard you were
a great fireman.

No, I'm an actor on television.

Help! Help!
There's a fire!

Somebody save us!

Hey, q, you were a fireman.
Can't you do something?

♪ We need a fireman

♪ we need a hero

♪ somebody save me

♪ can somebody save him?

♪ Oh, why?

He's so embarrassed.
He can't even speak.

♪ It's tough

♪ when you don't have
the stuff ♪

♪ when you can't make it work

♪ and you feel like a jerk

♪ so just give me a minute ♪

♪ 'cause it's time
for my close-up ♪

♪ and... and
I can't do anything ♪

♪ without my makeup

this is my makeup girl.
She makes me look pretty.

Boy.

Shame that guy died
in that fire.

Hey, aren't you Broadway's
Alec brightman,

star of "school of rock"?

- Alex.
- It's Alex.

Why, yes, I am Broadway's
Alex brightman,

star of
"school of rock."

Wow.

You seem to really know
your Broadway.

♪ So tell me, q

♪ what is it
that you can do? ♪

♪ Can you climb up
a ladder? ♪

♪ I can't do that

♪ could you get
any fatter? ♪

♪ I can do that

♪ well, can you put out
that Blaze? ♪

♪ I can't do that

♪ could you tap dance
for days? ♪

♪ I can't do that

I think you should try.

Your turn.

Let's bring it home.

♪ Well, you told me
all the things ♪

♪ that you can't do

♪ you used to be the man,
but then you sold out to ♪

♪ the money, the fame,
ain't it a shame? ♪

♪ Such a shame

♪ you're such a cryin' shame

♪ a really ugly shame

♪ keep makin' farts on TV

take a bow, buddy.
Take a bow.

You've really made it.

Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.