06x20 - Remember the Pact

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
murr acting shady?

Why is sal getting up
close and personal?

You can't unsee a family
member's genitals.

And which joker
will be overexposed

in tonight's
impromptu punishment?

Sal: Prepare for
something amazing.

Q:
Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Today we're at food bazaar
supermarket asking shoppers

to do us a solid and hold
onto something for us.

Yes, Joseph, but the catch
is the weird item

that we're asking them to hold

has been given to us
by the other guys.

If you can't get a stranger
to hold onto that item

until you return, you lose.

Considering what you guys
are gonna have me hold,

can I go first?
- You should go first.

- Here we go.
- There he is.

That's our friend Carissa, who
decided to help us out today.

How come you're
holding the leash,

but she seems like
she's in charge?

I'm in over my head
here, fellas.

Sometimes we even go too far.

They have the rice pudding.

Do me a favor? I got to run
and get some applesauce.

Can you hold her
for me for one second?

I'll just... I'll be
right back in a moment.

- He's doing it!
- I can't believe it!

Dude!
Don't let her go, please.

Carissa, can you say,
"will you please let me go?"

Will you please let me go?

Please?

You got to come back.

♪♪

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

Yeah, it would have been
bad if you let her go.

- Wow!
- Good wait.

I can't believe it!

Stay in school.

Here we go.
A jar full of poison.

I need somebody to hold this.

Sorry. Can you hold this poison
for me real quick?

Just hold it real quick.
Just... come on, come on.

Just real quick.
Why won't you hold my poison?

Smart. Smart.

Waffles... I got to grab.

- Waffles? Yeah.
- Could you hold that real quick?

- Nah.
- Smart.

Well, could you hold
this poison real quick?

Okay, that's smart.

Hold this poison
for me real quick?

Smart.

Smart.

Actually, want to do me a solid,
hold that real quick.

I got to run
and get mashed potatoes.

It isn't pee.
It's poison.

Just hold it.
Just...

Sal: You put her in front
of you? Where's chivalry?

You think it's gonna be easy
to get somebody to hold this?

Really?

Oh, my gosh.

"Could you
hold that real quick?"

Do you mind holding it
real quick for me?

I got to get macaroni salad,
be back in one second.

Careful, it's heavy, now.

Two hands 'cause it could tip.

Be back in one sec.

She's getting so annoyed.

You know how heavy
it is to look at?

♪♪

She's reading the circular.

Ask her to move and
get something near her.

Excuse me, miss.

Now she's getting pissed.

Why don't you go check her
circular to see what's on sale.

Let me just see this.

Look at the annoyance!

- Oh, my god.
- She's so annoyed.

Murray, you're
pushing the envelope

a little too far, buddy.

She's not holding it anymore!

- Ah! You lose!
- She isn't... aaaahhh!

Look at the slick
look on her face.

- Yes!
- Yes.

You're not holding it anymore.

Joe: Smart.

Sal:
Pair of mousetraps.

Joe: Buddy, here, this is
what we want you to do.

We want you to set
one mouse trap off

before you hand
off the other one.

The one we're handing off
to the person doesn't work.

Right. Of course not.

Let's see if someone
will carry a mouse trap

and potentially
lose their fingers.

Oh, whoa! Ah!
Damn it. Ah!

C-Could you hold that
for one second for me?

No way in hell!

You s... you sure?

Yeah.

These things hurt.

I-I've broken enough
hands already

to know that these things hurt,
you what I'm saying?

- Oh, okay.
- Do you know where the... aw!

Oh!

Could you do me a favor
and hold that one second?

Do you know...
Do you know if the, uh...

If the bread's down that way?

- Yeah, it's down that way.
- Ow!

Oh, my god.

All right, I'm done.
I'm done.

I'm just gonna...

I'm gonna assume
she's not gonna hold it.

I'm gonna get out of here.

Sal:
That was a hard no, buddy.

Narrator: Q, murr, and Joe
couldn't get a helping hand,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

We're here in the park
where sal and murr

are gonna make up
words to strangers.

Joe and I are gonna
give them a made-up word

that they have to come up with a
crazy-sounding explanation for.

If we can't get them to admit

that they've heard of that word,
we lose.

Bajungle.
You guys heard of it?

No.

It's a hot one today,
right? It's insane.

There you go.
It's hot out.

It's hot, I can't do it.
I can't do it.

- Joe!
- I can't do it. It's hot out.

- I mean, if he's doing it.
- If you want to.

Maybe dip in the water
out today.

95 degrees, I'd do it.

I feel like I've wandered
into the wrong set.

Okay, sal. Your word...
"Vambommled."

I could probably take
the train by coney island.

I was supposed to go
with my roommate,

but everything got vambommled.

Vambommled?

It's, uh, when you, uh...

When you can't unsee
a family member's genitals.

- Oh, okay.
- What?

You ever see
a family member's...

You ever see a family
member's genitalia?

One time. Yeah.

You can't unsee that.
So, what do you call it?

You know what, I unsaw it.
I blocked it out.

Sal, I'm getting pretty close
to being vambuzzled back here.

- Look at this.
- No.

So you sure you
never heard of it?

Positive.

- Ohhh!
- Oh!

- Nice try, buddy.
- No success.

Here we go, here we go.

Are you serious? She's telling
me my lip is sweating.

You think I give a flying

what is happening
with me right now?

- She's like, "your l...
- Oh, hold on, yeah.

Go ahead.
Let's make Joe..."

Look at me!
I'm a monster!

Well...

She's like, "Joe, your naked
t*tties are sweaty."

Oh, you want me to blot?
Hold on.

How are you doing in black pants
and a long-sleeve shirt?

It's all I got, so.

The word is...
"Ponktacology."

Yeah. I'm doing some work
with ponktacology.

Wow.

Ponktacology is the, um...

It's the science of getting a
toddler just a little bit drunk.

It has amazing medical benefits.

- Yeah, I... no, yeah...
- You know how back in the day...

The health benefits outweigh
the inebriation factor.

It really does.

They're, you know,
doing like a .7, .8

on a breathalyzer.

.7, you're dead,
though, aren't you?

An elephant would be dead,
never mind a toddler.

You've never heard of
the word "ponktacology?"

Yeah!
You've never heard of it?

I have sent...

No?

He's out.

Narrator: Both guys lost
this w*r of words,

which means murr is in the lead
on the loser board.

Today, we're here at
Cliffside park senior center

showing senior citizens
how to use technology.

While teaching the class,
we're gonna have to do

and say whatever
the other guys tell us to.

If you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

You know, when I was your age,

I used technology
uphill both ways.

Aw, there he goes.

Okay, side note...
We have figured out

that if none of us say "no"
in this challenge,

that Murray loses
the episode mathematically.

So we're making a pact

that we're not gonna say
"no" to anything

to force Murray to lose.

- This is a strong alliance.
- Can't say "no" to anything.

Does that mean that we are
gonna go easy on each other?

- Absolutely not.
- No, definitely not.

- What, why wouldn't...
- Play to win.

Okay, got it. Got it.

Oh, hello, guys.
How are you?

- Hi, how are you today?
- What are your names?

- I'm Lenny.
- Joe.

Barbara.
Introduce yourself
as major tech dude.

Major tech dude is
what my friends call me.

Is that your title
or is that your name?

"Major" is my title.
Major tech dude.

Sal, there's an extra chair.

Why don't you get rid
of it by throwing it.

All right, only
three of us here.

So we don't need
the extra chair, then.

So rude.

All right, guys.
So what we're gonna do

just a little tech review
of a tablet.

Take a picture of you three.

So to take a picture,
touch the camera.

It opens right up. All right,
so one, two, and three.

Now say, "Barbara,
you blinked in that photo,

but Lenny, you're my favorite.

I wish I had some treats
to give you."

Aw, you blinked Barbara,
you ruined the whole thing.

I'm sorry.

Lenny, you didn't blink.
You're one of my favorites.

I wish I had a treat
to give you.

Okay.

So weird.

Sal, clear your throat.

Q: "I'm sorry
if I'm a bit hoarse."

Sorry if I'm a bit hoarse.

"A man had his hand
on my throat last night."

A ma... uh...

Sorry if I'm a bit hoarse.
- You said that.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Yeah, 'cause he's stalling.

No, I'm... mm...
Sor... oh...

"A man had his hand
on my throat last night."

A m... a man had his hand
on my throat last night.

Um, let's move along.

- Is your phone ringing, sal?
- You could set an alarm... no.

- Yeah. Yeah, it is.
- Yeah it is.

- Just one second.
- Turn around and say,

"sorry, I can't talk right now.
I'm teaching these blueheads."

No, mm...

Ooh!

Remember the pact, buddy.

Sorry, I can't talk right now.
I'm teaching these blueheads.

Oh, my god!
I can't believe he said it!

So let's get right back into it.

Uh...

I got another surprise for sal.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

The top left button here,
it then sends out a signal...

What the...
Oh, there's my technology...

This is my Segway.

So basically what you do
is you click the top left

and it goes looking for...

Sorry.

So anyway...

- Look at the Segway!
- It's gonna go into...

It's gonna find any signals
that are in here.

The United States
has its own websites

and every other country
has their own websites.

So China has their own,
Russia has their own,

South America has their own.

So you want to stay on dot-com.

Those are the web-address
standard dot-com...

What w...

"uh, just stay away
from puerto rican websites."

My last bit of advice
for you guys,

and I'll leave you with this...

Just stay away from
puerto rican websites.

So, we're just gonna show
a little bit of technology here.

Joe, stay strong.
Remember the pact.

Got it, buddy.

What is going on, man?

All right, well...

"All right, hopefully
this things works.

My dog pissed on it
last night."

Yeah, hopefully this thing...
This thing will work fine.

My dog pissed on it last night.

- No. Really?
- Yeah.

Hosed it down, front to back,
but it's got the cover.

It's one of those, so.

"Whose a b*tch got
to kiss around here

to get a cream soda?"

Whose a b*tch got to kiss
around here to get a cream soda?

Got to kiss.

So step one, here, let's go...

"Now, has anybody been
on the Internet before?"

So you guys know
what the Internet is?

"Oh, you know the Internet?
Treats for everyone!"

Great. Okay, so then
it's treats for everybody.

They're in the cabinet
right by your side.

Yeah, you guys got...
We got these here for people

that knew what the Internet was.
- Yep. Just drag it out, buddy.

Here's a bag of some
ramen noodles for you guys.

Here you go,
that's a ramen noodle.

You can take that home with you.

"You guys remember this
from the depression, right?"

Okay, you guys
remember the ramen.

Right? That's from...
From the... yeah...

Yeah.

The, uh, the uh...

Let's see, when was that big?

The depression,
people had that a lot.

The dust bowl, you know.
You guys remember that.

Oh, wait a minute.

I can't believe he said it.

You could...
If you want to, uh...

Joe, are they talking about you
when you're not looking?

If you went to
a suggested, uh...

So let's see if we have...
You guys talking about me?

What?

Yes, we were.

'Cause I'm looking...
My focus is down here.

I didn't know... hold on.

That's a lot of sodium...
910 milligrams.

Yeah, that's right.
They're delicious,

but they're not healthy.

Maybe one soup for two or three.

A lot of water.

I'm sitting right here.

Okay, let me see if I have...

Joe, under the table,
just pull out the computer.

This is a computer.
- Oh. Oh, my god.

This is older than me,
for Christ's sake.

Oh, let's not get carried away.

The big difference here
is first and foremost

is a physical keyboard.

You know what I mean?
So the keyboard... these two...

Do you see smoke
coming out of...

Oh, my god.

I see the smoke.

Aw, all right, well...

Murr: Look at the smoke
coming out of it.

No, no, the problem's my...

The problem is my god
dog pisses on everything.

Oh, don't blame him.

It pisses on everything.
It was cannoli, I bet.

This used to be convenient,

but now who wants to
walk around with this?

You're k*lling me
with the smoke.

I'm sorry.
We'll get rid of it.

These fumes are fine.
They're just melting plastic.

Probably toxic.
You guys should be fine.

We're concentrating on tablets.

You guys have one of these?

- No, I don't. No.
- "Should I speak in Spanish or?"

Should I speak in Spanish or?

- I'm not Spanish.
- English. No.

"This isn't the señors' class?
Oh, this is for seniors."

Oh, this is...
This is for seniors.

I thought this was for señors.

"None of that
Spanish bull."

None...

None of that Spanish bull
, you know what I mean.

All right, here we go.
- They're laughing.

Oh, look at them looking around!

Could you slide
in just a little bit?

I want to get
a picture of you guys.

There you go,
look at that. Boom.

"Now, I'm gonna send
this picture

we just took of you guys."

I'm gonna send this picture
that we just took with you guys.

"So here's the address...

Identityfraud..."

Identityfraud...

Gotcha suckers.

Sent.

- All right.
- "You can gamble online."

You can also gamble online.

"So now you guys don't have
to clog up the casinos."

- W... aww, that is...
- The pact!

Like, New Jersey has made it

that you can actually
gamble online

so you guys don't have
to clog up the casinos.

"I mean, can a guy play
a penny slot?"

I mean, can a guy play
a penny slot,

you know what I'm saying?

Whew!

It's a good fan for
when it gets hot in here.

Q, dial in this number
to the top box there.

Okay. Okay, I'm gonna show
you how to use facetime.

Here we go.
So, yeah, you'll see.

So now I'm calling
my buddy on video phone.

And, like, we'll be able
to see each other.

Dude, I was waiting all day.

I'm in the parking lot, man.
With everything you said.

I'm here, I'm doing
the thing, I'm ready.

I'll be out in a minute.

I'm doing the class
for the señors.

I know, but I'm ready. It's not
gonna last much longer.

It gets dry very quick.
I need you to come out.

You're breaking up.
You're breaking up, pal.

You're breaking up.

You're breaking up.

"We're all wrapped up. I got
to get back to the institution."

We're all wrapped up here. I got
to get back to the institution.

A nut job.

- Hey!
- Hey!

One more pact!

That's what
I call an alliance, boys.

All right, so, with that,
we have tonight's big loser,

and his name is murr.

Narrator:
Murr doesn't know it yet,
but he's about to get punished.

All right, murr.
Let's teach this class.

♪♪

Your dad's a senior!

- Hi, dad.
- So welcome to your father.

Have a seat, your a*s
is about to get punished.

Oh, wha...?

You lost the episode, buddy.
'Cause none of us said "no."

That was the pact.
- Uh...

I'm sorry for... for this.

This is Brian's hair.

Murray's dad has always
been cooler than murr.

Every time Murray would throw
those barbecues at his house,

we would always
end up hanging out

with his dad
by the pool, drinking.

Joe: "So, dad, I'm supposed to
teach you about an iPad..."

So, dad, I'm supposed to teach
you about how to use an iPad...

"but instead we're gonna
teach you how to use an iPhone.

My iPhone."

I'm gonna teach you
how to use my iPhone.

"So let me just hook it up
to the screen here,

so everybody can see it."

All right, there it is.

Murr, just randomly scroll
through the photos.

Oh, god.

Uh, I'll take you through
some of the photos on my phone.

Let me see. Ah, there's you
and I and mom, right?

The other day.
- Oh, I remember that.

Hey, there's me as a kid.

- Stop pulling up normal photos.
- Yeah, murr, get in there.

Stop right there.

Oh, my god.
Look at this.

- "Dad..."
- dad...

"did you ever imagine
you would have a 40-year-old son

who slept with a blankie?"

did you ever imagine
that you would have

a 40-year-old son
who sleeps with a blankie?

Can we just go through
this photo right now?

He's sitting alone at home.

He then coyly holds
a tattered blankie to his lips,

peers through it at the camera.

A 40-year-old man.
- Stop right there!

What's that?
Stop right there.

- What is this?
- What is this?

That's me playing video games
last night in my bath towel.

He was playing naked
virtual reality.

- He's looking at this son...
- He's looking so slighted!

You know, friends.

I like that you have company

and you just zone them out
with virtual reality.

Mm-hmm.

Joe: Stop right there.
Stop right there.

Can I ask you what is going on?

The confusion your father is
experiencing... and the regret!

Why does he have
this stuff on his phone?

Let's move on to, like, getting
in contact with people, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Oh, murr...

Can you specifically
call someone

that you might have met
in a club for adults?

Ah, let's see. Yeah.
Yeah.

He's like to meet you again!

Oh, my god.

Yeah! Yeah!

Got him!

- Oh, that was great.
- Okay, we got to stop.

At this point, it's a
punishment for Mr. Murray.

Look how miserable he is.
We're done, murr. That's it.

We're over.
Well done, murr.

Congratulations, buddy,
you suffered enough.

You got through it.

Okay, welcome to
"impractical insider."

Murr just got punished
with some help from your father.

Yes.
And you're about to see
a behind-the-scenes look

at how it happened in bonus
footage from tonight's episode.

But I got to ask you,
before we cut anywhere else,

how do you feel right now?
- I got to call Jessica.

This is Murray's dad.

Murray's dad has always
been cooler than Murray.

- Always.
- Always.

What we're saying is Murray
takes after his mother.

I love you, Mrs. Murray.
You know I'm kidding.

All right, murr,
let's teach this class.

Look at him there.

The mad scientist reunites
with his creator.

So family gets used
a lot in the show.

Are there rules to that?
Was this crossing the line?

No, it made sense.
I get the joke.

I just didn't expect to ever

take my father
through my cellphone.

The best thing about
a smartphone, okay,

is that you basically
have a camera

in your pocket at all times.

You know how you and mom
have photo albums in the closet?

You want to take a look
at some of my photos?

Let me...

I'll take you through
some of the photos on my phone.

Stop right there!
What's that?

Stop right there.

That's me on a motorcycle.

Q: Why are you thrusting
into the seat?

Thought it was funny.

Ballpark... how many times has
Murray's dad rolled his eyes

and been like, "I should have
had a third daughter"?

Well, he did have
a third daughter, he just...

Not a good one.
- He named it James.

The blanket came back
into play again.

Oh, my god.
Look at this.

People want to know, like,
what's up with this blankie,

'cause we've seen it burned,
we've seen it not burned.

- Burn it!
- Burn it!

- You know we love you, right?
- Wasn't your blankie!

Shay, who you know
on our TV show,

broke in to my apartment
and stole my blankie

and had a professional
seamstress

create two identical blankies.

I show up on set that day
and I thought it was legit.

I get home
that day from filming.

Oh, my god. My blankie
was still there on my bed.

And I sleep with it still, now.

What do you think
James Murray's opinion...

The three worst punishments
you've ever had.

Um...
Danica mckellar.

Novocaine.

Ray's brief is...
Ray's beef is brilliant.

My number one is a tie.

It's sky diving, lie detector,

things up my butt,
nude modeling, and sharks.

Those...
It's a tie. It's...

Your number one
is a tie up between

five different punishments?

Also strip high-five.

- Six.
- Six.

What was the story with
the video with the... Humping?

When the guys and I go on tour,

I have to iron my clothes
before the show.

So sometimes I record
these videos dancing

of only my crotch
and send it out to people.

That's all for "insider."

Please enjoy bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

You guys do any online shopping?

"Let's say you're out
and about shopping in town.

And let's say you're
at coffin depot

and you see something you like."

Let's say you're at, uh...

You know, if you're
shopping around town,

you're at coffin depot,
you're like...

You see something you like.

Coffin depot.

"Go home, go on
to coffin depot online."

You go home to
coffin depot online

and you pick up
a casket right there.

What the hell is coffin...

It's where you get coffins
at a deep discount.