07x03 - No Good Deed

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why is murr
involved in a cover up?

"Hopefully, no dongs fall out.

But if they do,
we'll blur them."

Narrator: What's got Joe
reaching for the top?

And which losing jokers will be
dressed up and taken down

in tonight's double punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal: Oh, my god,
that's gross!

Today, we...

Today, we're at focus plus
competing head-to-head

as TV executive
pitching our latest ideas.

The, uh...

The goal is to convince
a room full of strangers

that your ideas are better
than the other guy's.

The catch is, we'll have no idea
what we're pitching

because our pitch ideas have
been written by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask
the group to vote

for which one of us
had the better ideas.

Whoever gets the fewest
votes loses.

- Is that good?
- I think that was it.

- Was that rehearsal?
- No, that was it.

Oh!

Murr: Here we go.

Sal: Today, we're
actually testing out

potential new television shows.

Now, q has written all
of sal's log lines.

And sal wrote all of q's.

My first one's called
"the amazing tomato show."

"For years, we've secretly
been raising a child

in an underground bunker
to live a normal life,

except for one thing...

We've ensured
that he's never, ever..."

Joe: He can't even...
He can't even.

"seen a tomato before."

"Watch what happens..."

Mm...

"Watch what happens
when we finally release him

into the real world.."

And he sees
what a tomato looks like

for the first time."

What are your thoughts on it?

The tomato represents more
things than a tomato.

Exac... oh, sh*t,
actually, ketchup.

This one I like a lot.

It's called
"here, have a horse."

The producers of this show
secretly approached the children

of middle-class families and
promised them a brand-new horsey

to play with.

Then secretly, overnight,

an actual horse is delivered
to the house.

From here on, the show documents
the struggles of the family

to pay for and somehow maintain
this new financial burden

on the household.

- I love it.
- You like that one?

Man: Yeah.

Magical powers?
Does it talk?

- No, this is a reality show.
- This is a reality show.

Oh, this is a reality show?

- It's a reality show.
- Oh, even better!

Yeah!
Right?

See, this is why
we do this stuff.

All right.

"How meth got his
groove back."

"Method man is one of the most
beloved rappers of all time,

but what happens in the slums
of xiaolin when this g wakes up

with a g-spot?"

That's right.

"Method man is somehow a broad.

Can he keep his street cred?"

Look at him.

You broke sal.

I would definitely
check that out.

You're really doing great.

"Ganja mangia."

"In this hot fire new
hidden-camera game show,

teenagers are cooking dinner
for their family,

but their meals
have more thc than tlc."

If the family
never assumes they're high,

they win
Chinese food forever."

I was actually thinking
about doing this.

Well, you can't get people high
without them knowing.

- You can work around that.
- You can work around that.

Q: How incredible
would that be?

Today is just not my day,
I guess.

Let's move on.

You're up, sal.

"Seamus loves popsicles."

"Seamus is a slime-covered Irish
immigrant who comes to america

and flips his lid
when he discovers popsicles.

Everyone's favorite frozen treat

is this potato-chomping
manic's obsession.

Popsicles really
get his crank turned.

Man, this guy loves
popsicles so much

he'd suck one right out
of a baby's mouth.

Seamus once made love to a dude

just to get a popsicle,
and he ain't even g*y.

Also, Seamus moves in with
his uptight cousin

and teaches him
how to truly love life."

- I like it.
- Thank you.

Let's just take a vote.

Okay, if you think that
my ideas should move forward,

please raise your hand.

Murr and Joe:
Two!

And then, of course,
you'd be with me.

- Oh, two to one.
- Oh!

At least it wasn't a shutout.

Well done, q.

I really like the horse one.

The horse, right?

- Hello, how are you?
- How are you?

- Earl.
- Earl.

James.
Nice to meet you, sir.

Okay, here we go.

So, the first TV show...
"pants'd."

"Famous people pantsing
other celebrities.

"Side note... hopefully,
no dongs fall out.

But if they do,
we'll blur them."

Love it.
Love it.

- It's something you'd watch?
- Oh, definitely.

Maybe.

Not really a "no" here.

Earl?

It has potential.

Here we go.
I'm up.

"Karate: Debunked."

"In this investigative special,
we go undercover

posing as karate students
at dojos across america,

finally exposing the truth
once and for all...

Karate is fake."

I like it.
I walk past the places.

"What's going on
in there?"

- Exactly, yeah.
- But karate is real.

Yeah, but is it?
That's what we're looking at.

Is it?

Next one is called
"Chinese checkers."

After a concert in Shanghai,
the Chinese government

took DNA from chubby checkers'
sweat towel and cloned him.

Now, Chinese chubby checkers
is a grown up as a military man

and uses the twist to get
into enemy territory.

Will Chinese checkers get caught
or will it be checkmate?"

- Is the clone Chinese?
- The clone?

If they cloned a black man,
how do they make him Chinese?

Earl?
Like, how does that...

They would have to incorporate
DNA from another source.

All right.

I like Chinese drama,
so I don't know.

- Chinese drama. Yeah.
- Yeah.

This one is
"jerk, off island."

Here we go, I'm up.

This one is
"jerk, off island."

"A group of jerks are marooned
on an island together

and, one by one, voted off by
a jury of their annoying peers.

Tune in and see which jerk will
be jerked off the island."

Thoughts?

Earl.

Whenever they get "jerked off,"
they should, like...

So, you love "jerk, off island"?

He's not a jerk.

Those people are making him
the jerk off.

Exactly right. Yeah, the jerk
that gets off the island.

Wow. Joe is knowing
how to sell them.

"Monumental challenge."

This is a real show
that Murray thought of.

"A pop-up game show where
a host surprises tourists

at different monuments
around the globe

and quizzes them on trivia for
a chance to win mucho dollars.

Redundant?
Sure.

Boring?
Hell yeah.

But why not?

Developed by
James s. Murray."

Q: He tried to sell it for,
like, 20 years.

He didn't sell it one time.

He started crying.

Yeah.
I think this is a great show.

Oh, you guys love it?
That's amazing,

'cause nobody will buy it.

This one is called
"traffic cam."

Okay?

Sal:
This is Joe's real thing.

Joe thought this.

"A goofy human toucan of a man
talks directly to the audience

on his drive home
from work."

"A toucan of a man."

If he's driving and talking
directly to his cellphone,

it's dangerous, and should he be
putting himself in that position

with children at home?

Yeah.

Oh, you brought
the theme song too, right?

Yeah. Why don't you
play your theme song?

♪ It's time for
"traffic cam" ♪

♪ it's time for
"traffic cam" ♪

♪ time for
"traffic cam" ♪

♪ it's time for
"traffic cam" ♪

Clap, clap.

You really sing
that stupid song?

Yeah.
Yeah.

To me, this feels like just
a really bad Facebook live

or periscope video,
not a TV show.

Yeah. I mean, there's plenty of
bad Facebook lives there.

I mean, one guy I saw once,
he was ironing his shirt

before he went
onto his show, I mean...

That's something Murray
did that we made fun of.

Yeah, but that guy's
not trying to sell that

as a TV show, is he?

Both: Earl?

By show of hands, if you think
you related to my ideas more,

please raise your hand.

One.

And by show of hands,
who liked my ideas more?

Oh, my god!
That's an upset.

I did not see that coming.

Well done, buddy.

Narrator: Sal and Joe
didn't get the green light,

so they're first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're shopping at Jacks
in New York City.

While browsing the store,
we got to do

and say what
the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do or say
anything, you lose.

Joe:
Here we go.

Murr: Sal, go up to
this guy and say,

"you've got some ba*ls showing
your face around here."

Then, immediately realize
it's the wrong person.

You've got some ba*ls
showing your face here.

I'm sorry, I thought
you were somebody else.

Sal, call our producer,
Christine.

Pretend it's your daughter
and have someone explain

what a tampon is to her.

You son of a b*tch.

I don't know what... excuse me.

Could you please explain to
my daughter what a tampon is.

I don't... I don't... I don't...

Hello?

What is it?

What is it?

Oh, a... ohh!

Yes.

Christine, tell the woman
to give the phone back

to your husband.

Right.

So... so what is it?

Oh, my god, that's gross!

All right, bye, then.

Murr: So, we've hid Joe
in the store.

You'll find out
where Joe could be.

Where in the world is Joe gatto?

- That's his belly!
- It's, like, breathing.

Joe, just start, like, grunting.

There's people looking.
They're looking around.

Joe: Help!

Oh, my god,
they're coming to look.

Murr: They're coming
to help you.

How long have I been in there?

Joe, you want
that pillow bad, buddy.

This one?

Yeah. But make pathetic
attempts to get it.

This guy is staring at you, Joe.

Oh!
I'm so sorry.

Get in her cart to reach it.

Do you mind if I
borrow this really quick?

Just...

You're getting dirty looks, now.

Murr: This guy is
trying to help.

Joe, get it, then, like, scream
towards the back of the store,

like, "this one?!"

I got... this one?

No.

It's this one.

Where are you going?

You're leaving me?
You can't go. Just hold it.

Joe, hand him as many pillows
as possible now.

I'm gonna get
the blue one, then.

- It's this one?
- Keep going, keep going,
keep going.

The white one, then?

No.

Thank you, pal.
I appreciate the help.

I really appreciate the help.

I honestly... it's gonna make it
much easier for everybody.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

All right, it'll have
to be one of these,

claudette,
'cause he's got to go.

You're really a treasure.
You're really a treasure.

Joe: Time to get
your shop on.

Q, just go around
asking people if they want

to see you crush items
with your heel.

Q: Oh, my god.

You want to see me really
crush this with my heel?

- Wouldn't that be cool?
- No.

What do you think about, uh...

Joe: "He said to do it."
"He said to do it."

He said to do it.

And the best part is
I haven't paid for it yet,

so it's not even my problem.

All right, q.
Get your flirt on, buddy.

Murr: Yeah. We want to see
some of your moves.

That's only
$5.99, huh?

I bet you you would look
fantastic in that.

You would look lovely in that.

Really?

I think any color
would work on you.

Murr: We got a little
surprise for q.

- Yeah. You're looking
for spring...
- honey? Excuse me.

All right, q.
Get your flirt on, buddy.

I bet you you would look
fantastic in that.

You would look lovely in that.

Really?

I think any color
would work on you.

Murr: We got a little
surprise for q.

- Yeah, you're looking
for spring...
- honey? Excuse me.

Okay, what are you doing
talking to another woman?

You're flirting with her.

- No, I'm...
- It's ridiculous.

Q: I'm not really,
I'm just talk...

It's your turn to watch him,
just take him.

I can't, I'm done.
I'm done.

That green, though,
seriously, is your color.

Get over here.

This is a great store.

Yeah, great deals here.

I know what your favorite
thing in the store is.

What?

That long railing behind you.

You want to give
that railing a go?

I'll try.

Murr, slide down
and then tell people

about the b*mb-a*s
deals upstairs.

There's b*mb-a*s deals upstairs.

Sal:
Say it again.

Do it again!
Do it again!

Just slide down and tell people

that "Natalie Portman
eats here all the time."

Murr: Whoo-hoo!

Natalie Portman
eats here all the time.

"Do they carry
birthday candles?"

Do they have
birthday candles here?

Birthday candles.

Joe: Start reaching
over everything

to get what you want...
People, carts...

Oh, the big guy!
The big guy!

Q: Oh, my god.

Yeah, this is a great one.

Sal: Oh, my god, he's at least
twice your size!

"Wrong size."

Another one, another one,
another one!

No, this is the wrong size.

Got it... medium.
Got it.

"Oh, but I need one
for Randolph."

Oh.
Wait.

Randolph needs one, too.

Sal: Oh.

Joe: Murr, grab that bra
right there and ask this guy,

"do me a solid.
Can you try this one?

I'm trying to fit
for my girl."

Q:
That's some woman.

- You know what it is?
- Oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh.
Okay, okay.

Joe: Whoa.

Sal:
Why is he so angry?

Q: This guy is having
a bad day.

We've all been there, dude.
We've all been there.

- Why is he so upset?
- Look, look, look!

Murr:
He's such a big guy.

Did I get up?

Joe: Murray wins!

Narrator: No one shopped
till they dropped,

but Joe and sal are
still getting punished.

Well, Joe and sal
are our losers.

So, today, we brought you
to a fundraising event

at the algonquin arts theatre,

which is a nonprofit
theater company

that teaches children
all about the arts.

Okay, so...

You're gonna be giving them
a full presentation

about how you spent their money.

I'm guessing
we misallocated funds.

Ah, I mean, it'd be a good bet.
I'll tell you that much.

Murr: Oh, wow, you got
a lot of people in suits here.

A lot of serious-looking
donors here.

Hi, everyone.
We raised so much money.

Thank you all for
making it possible.

Murr: The algonquin
has spent the past five months

raising money
to upgrade their theater

and they just raised $125 grand
at their annual gala.

From these people.

They want to know
where their money went.

Man: We're excited
to introduce two gentlemen

who are putting the money
to great use.

Our new treasurer
and our new secretary.

- Get them up here.
- Oh, here we go.

Sal: Hello, everyone.
How are you?

We're gonna take you through
some of the ways

we've been allocating the funds
over the last few months.

- This is their money.
- Yeah.

This is a no-nonsense
money people.

Uh...

Murr:
All right, here we go.

We're gonna take you through

some of the ways we've been
allocating the funds

over the last few months.

Okay.

State-of-the-art coat room.

Motorized coat organization
and delivery system.

Q: Tell them
about the app.

There's a downloadable app

that lets you check
on the status of your coat

during a performance.

This was $60,000.

$60,000 to do this.

You don't want to lose the coat,

because then your night's ruined

and you're literally
out in the cold.

- She's furious.
- Okay.

How about we have an in-house
choreographer in residence,

enrico mcpartland.

Yeah, and...

Murr: That's the picture
of Pete mcpartland,

our executive producer.

When you have to
outsource choreography,

they really hit you
over the head.

So we decided to bring in
enrico mcpartland,

protégé and ex-lover
of twyla tharp.

Q: Sal, get the paper down!

We just got him
for $95,000 a year

and we're putting him up
for nine months

at the four seasons in lakewood.

Murr:
Nine months?

Do you know
how expensive that is?

Any other thoughts on enrico?

- It's gonna be great.
- Yeah.

Sal: How about there's
a new handicap ramp.

There's an ornate spiral design.

We hired one of the greatest
local architects

in the Tri-state area.

That was about $100k.

How do they get up ramp?

I don't know.

The way up the ramp is a little
bit harder than the way down.

Look at this woman.

- Stupid.
- So stupid.

You wasted all their money.

Oh, the legacy circle,
you are excited.

Yep.

Our goal is to have
all the elderly supporters...

- Yep.
- Make a lasting commitment

to the algonquin
by making a planned gift

for when they expire.

Yep. A possible donor
that we've identified

is Barbara kellegry...

- Look at sal.
- Who's currently

98 years old.

She was recently diagnosed
with pneumonia

and is in hospice.

We've reached out, and we're
waiting on word back.

Barbs will do the right thing.

Sal:
Here's what we're doing, guys.

We're spending money
to get money.

Yeah. This is the new deal
with the partner theaters.

We've teamed up with
a Multi-level marketing company

to help theaters
across the region

because just helping us is gonna
help everybody else, right?

So we give unsold tickets
to other theaters,

and then the tickets
are sold from our theater

to other theaters as part
of a two-for-one deal.

We googled "pyramid scheme"
and went with that.

Don't be scared by the shape.

This is just an upside-down
triangle.

Sal: Bottom line, your donations
of $125,000...

Hit next.

Current expenses right now
is $2.4 million,

- but we're working on that.
- We're working on that.

♪♪

Sal:
We need to save the theater.

We're coming to you right now
saying we're desperate.

Sal, reveal the thermometer
to your right, it's covered.

We're gonna just
show you right here...

So, here's the goal.

And tonight we're starting here.

Look at how low.
Look at how low.

Guys, take the collection
baskets out from there.

We want you to go around
the room collecting.

This'll help us.
We're gonna go...

We're gonna go
Sunday-church style.

$2.4 million.

Anything you can give
will be great, thanks.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

Q: Yeah!

Have a good night, everybody.

♪♪

Okay, welcome to
"impractical insider."

Casey: Real quick. So, the
algonquin theatre is broke,

and you guys broke
a good amount tonight.

Now, they're gonna get
a behind-the-scenes look

at how it all happened.

You're counting money
in the back room, like,

in the kitchen like
it's "goodfellas."

Split that up 50/50.

Well, this is a big one.

We took over this whole gala.

We always pull out
the stops for punishments.

What are you trying
to get from me?

What are you trying to get
from me?

Just give me 5 bucks
and I'll go away.

2, 3, 4, 5.

5 bucks. Speaking of five,
I've been watching a lot of...

I just paid you $5 for you
to go away and you're...

You're not... you're still here?

So, this is where the gala
will be taking place.

They have this every year,
and this year,

we're crashing it.

Pretty hard to see,
but if you look close enough,

you can see that there's two
robotic cameras in there,

and these are the ones
where the guys, you know,

they basically have
little joysticks

to make the cameras
move back and forth.

So, I'm moving this one around
to the right, to the left,

and it works instantaneous.

Oh, look at Cole.
He picked his nose.

Cole picked his nose,
and we got him on camera.

I, uh... on camera before,
I caught you, uh, digging in.

- Picking it?
- You were digging in a little.

I got a scab on the inside.

Oh, yeah, sure,
the old scab on the inside.

- Yeah, it's just an itch.
- Okay, all right.

Just wash your hands
before you...

Just wipe it on a sleeve, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, whose bag is this?

- That's mine.
- Wait, wait.

And you know... and the people
who gave it to me,

and the person...
People who gave it...

Know who they are,
and thank you very much.

The national guard
gave him a bag.

But is it sal's bag?

You don't know
what's happening yet.

I do not.

- So, you basically...
- I came here to get punished.

There's a Mac and cheese
station, and that's all I know.

Let's see if the crew knows.
Come on.

Uh oh.

- What's happening today?
- Big secret, sorry.

- What's happening today?
- I have no idea.

They don't know.
Nobody knows.

3, 2, 1.

Well, Joe and sal
are our losers.

So today, we brought you
to a fundraising event

at the algonquin arts theatre.

You're about to get

oh, my god!

You can't do that!

I can do it.

They can bleep this,
they can't bleep this.

- That can't get bleeped.
- They can't bleep that.

You can't blur that!

- Busted. Caught you.
- Oh, no!

- Got you.
- Ohhh!

Hey, let me show you
something over here, come on.

♪♪

Hey, who likes pasta?
Come on.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Ooh, we got real
authentic spoons.

Murr: So, we're gonna
auction off a poster.

We're gonna auction
off a poster.

Sal, take off
the red behind you.

♪♪

That is, um... we commissioned
a painting of Joe and I.

Joe: We're gonna do
a live auction right now.

Who wants to dig deep?
Come on, guys.

$2.4 million.
Do I hear 2...

Okay, as an added bonus,
I get to keep this,

and you get bonus footage
from tonight's episode.

Enjoy.

♪♪

Here we go.
"Am I on TV?"

Filmed in the real world,
people are put in a room

filled with hidden cameras
and told a series

of increasingly insane ideas.
The home audience will wonder,

"how did they not realize
they're on television?

He's been basically
telling them at this point,

and they're still
oblivious."

Well played, murr.
Well played.

- I like it.
- Like it?

People love these prank shows.

I love it. It's unscripted.

You get to see people's actual
emotions and how they reflect,

- and how they react.
- Yeah, yeah!

My question is this...
If there's seven seasons,

isn't this gonna be redundant?

No, people still watch.