07x04 - Stripteased

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...

Will sal kiss and tell?

Why is Joe chewing out murr?

You can't even tell
this is a fake arm!

And which punished joker
won't be bringing sexy back

in tonight's big punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: Whoa,
that's a lot of tongue!

♪♪

Today we're at
lic dental associates,

going deep in people's mouths.

While deep in people's mouths,
we've got to do

and say what
the other guys tell us.

If you refuse to do
or say anything

while deep in people's mouths,
you lose.

I don't think it's clear
that we're dentists.

♪♪

- Hi.
- Hello.

Joe.
Christopher.

Christopher, nice to see you.

Joe, Joe, Joe.
Have him take off his jacket...

You take off your jacket?
Okay.

And then put it on.

Do the whole thing
in his jacket.

No, it's fine.
I don't want it on the floor.

Murr:
Look how he's staring at him!

What's the problem here today?

No problems so far.

Just need to get
a teeth cleaning.

Straight up cleaning?
Okay, great.

There's nothing
in that file folder.

Let him see it.

So, just want to get cleaned.

He's writing on the folder!

All right. So, now we just
got that, and let me...

Joe, before every last thing
you do, get verbal consent.

Okay. Is it okay
if I put this bib on you?

Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Verbal consent.

Is it okay if I adjust this?

Yeah.

Verbal consent.

Is it okay
if I move the chair?
Yeah.

Verbal consent.

Have you ever had any problems
blarfing?

Okay, uh, from the file...

Have you had any problems
with blarfing?

Uh, no.

Blarfer... no.
So no blarfing.

You're from this neighborhood?

I'm from Texas.

What part?
Houston.

Is that where they just k*ll
the presidents Willy-nilly?

Hou... is that...

Is that where they just k*ll
the presidents, in Houston?

Is that where that happened?

No!

Oh, no?
That's not?

Must be Austin.

It's Dallas.

James wilkes...

James wilkes booth.
James wilkes booth.

Yeah, jwb.

John wilkes.

Oh, John.
John wilkes.
Yeah.

John wilkes.
Murr:
Joe, write it in the notes.

"John wilkes booth
shot Kennedy"...

Q: Lincoln.

"in Houston."

No, not Houston.

Dallas.

Man, it's hot in here.

I'm sweating like crazy in here.

It's the jacket.

You're right.
It's the jacket.

So, clean mouth, jacket,
no blarf,

John wilkes booth shot jfk
in Dallas.

All right, so let me
see if the doctor's
gonna be about ready.

These are the ex...

I'm just gonna grab him,
see if he's ready.

All right.
The jacket, though.

My wallet's in there.
Oh, your wallet's in this?

Yeah, get that.
Take your wallet.

And this one's...

♪♪

What's your wallet doing
in my jacket?

It's my jacket.

This is yours?
Yeah.

Let me check my notes.

That's right.
This is your jacket.

I checked my notes.

Show this chart
to any dentist...

They'll know what it means.

You show
this chart to any dentist...

They'll know what it means.

Probably got to pull
about seven teeth.

You ready, guys?
Dr. Murray.

Ah, that looks... Gross!

Joe: Is that you?
Or is that enhanced?

It's not me.

Sal: Why would you
do that to yourself?

I thought it'd be funny.

In the g*y community, they have
bears, who are big and hairy,

and twinks who are,
like, just little.

Right now, you are
the perfect mix.

You're like a twink-bear.

"Hair of a bear,
the body of a twink:

The James Murray story."

Oh! Guys, you see this?
Whole closet back here.

Hair of the bear, body of a
twink, and you're in the closet.

Everything's really
working out for you tonight.

- Come on.
- Here we go, here we go.

- Hi. Hi, how are you?
- Good. I'm Alexis.

Hi, Alexis.
So nice to meet you.

You can call me
Dr. Angelo dickhouse.

My name is
Dr. Angelo dickhouse.

Nice to meet you.

Let's get this around your neck
if you don't mind. Okay.

"Before we start,
I'm required to say this"...

Before we start, I am
required to say this...

"You know, I'm not an actual
dental professional...

Blah, blah, blah."

You know, I'm not an actual
dental professional...

Blah, blah, blah.

I've never been trained...
Blah, blah, blah.

Let's get started.
Okay, now let me see.

The gums look great, I will say.

Joe: "As far as I can tell,
you have teeth."

As far as I can tell,
I mean, you've got teeth.

Great delivery.

That's... yeah.

Murr, just take her shoes off.

I'm also gonna help you get
a teeny bit more comfortable.

Have you had any sensitivity
to cold liquids?

Alexis: Yeah.
Where in particular
have you noticed it?

I haven't noticed it
in a particular place.

What's that? I'm sorry.
Not in a really
particular place.

Let's get the dentist
in here just one second.

Murr, see those giant
chompers behind you?

Yeah.
Hold it up
to the side of her face

like you're comparing
it to her teeth.

Let me see...
Just give me a smile, too.

Okay?

Great.

This is for you to take home.

"People often say to me"...

Now, people often say to me...

"Dr. Dickhouse"...

Dr...

Dr. Dickhouse...

"Do you make a cross
between a bear and a twink?"

Let me get the doctor.

Hey.
How are you doing?

Ah, look who's mother back.

Oh, look who's mother back.

Murr: Sal, is there floss there,
bud?

Can you just have like
a bunch of pieces of floss

dangling from your mouth?

So, when the last checkup?

Um...

I don't know if that's a cavity,

but there's a hole in the
filling there, I'm pretty sure.

Okay.
Okay, we'll check it out.

Sal, hit the number four.

Okay...

Joe: Just like old times.

Now hit number three.

Keep hitting numbers
on the chair.

Do you have pain right now?

Any at all?
Any days...

Not right this second, but...

Open your mouth.
Let me take a look.

Okay, open your mouth.

Go to put your finger
in his mouth

and then pull out quickly,
say, "don't bite me!"

Don't bite... don't bite.
Don't.

Okay...

Joe: Sal, when you put
the bib on him,

rip a hole...
Just expose his mouth...

And cover his face.

And now I'm just
gonna look in...

So I'm just gonna put this here.

I'm isolating your teeth here.

Sal, get nose to nose

and then yank the paper
really quick like a magician.

Then go, "ta-da!"

Right over his face.

Little more, little more.

♪♪

So I'm just gonna put this here.

Joe: Sal, get nose to nose

and then yank the paper
really quick like a magician.

Then go, "ta-da!"

♪♪

Ta-da.

That's the best thing
I've ever seen!

That's the best thing
I've ever seen in my life!

I'm Dr. Michael carbonaro.

Q: "I'm a dentist."

I'm a dentist.

I wanted to be a doctor,

but I couldn't make it,
so I'm a dentist instead.

I wanted to be a doctor, but...

Teeth are less complicated.

Teeth...

Teeth are less
complicated than...

"Teeth never
broke my heart."

You know, teeth never
broke my heart.

Did.

Broke his heart!

You're in good shape, buddy...
Don't worry about it.

Hi. Phil newhouse.
How are you?

- Phil newhouse.
- Phil newhouse, dds.

What's your name?
Kingsley.

Kingsley? Oh.

Yeah, your parents
named you such a cool name.

Kingsley.
Yeah, I know.
It's pretty neat.

So, I'm from Australia
and my...
Australia?

Gross.

Ew.

Well, let's get a bib on you.

Q, go over to the window...

And just keep talking
in, like, hushed tones

about how much fun
you're gonna have.

Today's gonna be a fun one.

Phil newhouse and Kingsley...

Look at his face!

Phil's gonna fix some teeths.

It's gonna be a good one.

All right, here we go.
Okay.

Only speak in third person.

Okay, Phil newhouse is gonna
find that "dongue" depressor.

Dongue?

Phil newhouse... he likes
one thing and one thing only,

and that is sterile.

- Ah.
- "Phil newhouse is sterile."

Speaking of which,

Phil newhouse is sterile.

Oh.
No little newhouses
for Phil newhouse.

Joe: It's all oldhouse.

It's all oldhouse from here,
you know what I'm sayin'?

What are you gonna do.

Sal: "Also, after the divorce,

I basically became
Phil newapartment."

And then after
the divorce, of course,

I really just became
Phil newapartment.

You know?
All right, Kingsley.

Open that up.
Let's take a look.

Whoa, that's a lot of tongue!

Whoa, that is a lot
of tongue, buddy.

You're lookin' good.
That makes my job easier.

Sal: "Staff morale's
been pretty low

since they caught me
eating a glove."

Staff morale's been
pretty low around here

since they...
They caught me eating a glove.

Mm-hmm.

"I mean,
I passed it at home."

So what I'm telling...

What Phil newhouse did is...

He ate a glove.

It brought mor... he got caught.

Morale crashed around here.

I don't know why.
I don't get it.

And then I passed it at home.

"I really hope they
hire me to work here."

Man, I really hope
they hire me to work here.

That would be nice.

Q, as you walk out, grab a glove

and put it in your mouth.

It was nice
to meet you, Kingsley.

Have a good flight.

Kingsley: Okay.
Thank you very much.

Ahh.

I did it again!

How's morale now?

Narrator: Murr failed
this oral exam,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today we're causing a ruckus
at city kitchen in row, NYC,

going head to head
tournament-style.

One of us must loudly make
a scene in a room full of diners

while both of us
try not to laugh.

The joker who laughs
to most loses.

So I basically have zero shot.

Murr: This place is busy.

♪♪

Q: Here we go.

♪♪

I mean, he's gonna make me
laugh by looking at me.

Look at his eyes right now.

I'm gonna laugh by
just looking at him.

Sal, you haven't even gone yet.

I'll start, I'll start,
I'll start, I'll start.

♪♪

Murr: Joe's big eyes.

Excuse you!

That trollop over there
by the egg-salad stand tried

to take my seat!

"Unhand me, you slag,"
I shouted!

And then I dropped a hard "c"!

Try walking a mile
in my tap shoes!

Ah, sal laughs!

Cry! Go on and cry,
egg-salad woman!

- Mac and cheese?
- Mac and cheese?

Ah, sal laughs again!

Sal lost at his own game.

♪♪

Joe, could you zoom in on that,

see what I'm doing?

Joe: Okay, we got it.

Q's gonna be shouting
Murray's tweets.

This is the worst day ever.

I just had tears
rolling down my damn face

outside
of Madison square garden!

Murray just realized it.

A verizon worker just called me
a sexy ferret!

I mean, he's not wrong!

There he goes!

Humans are awesome!

So are puppies
and kittens and babies!

Retweet!

Your tweets... it's horrible.

I strongly believe
in segregation?!

No.

Did you tweet from my account?!

Why would you write that?!

We're just, uh...
Go sit. Sit, sit, sit, sit.

Murray's like, "go sit, go sit.

I believe in segregation!"

I don't...
No, I don't believe...

Joe:
"You should go sit down!"

No, I didn't mean...
I didn't mean "sit down."

Hold on.

He said it
right here on Twitter...

I strongly believe in seg...
I did not say...

I didn't mean for you to sit
down because I believe in seg...

I don't!

- You're done.
- Well, I lost, but...

What a way to go.

♪♪

Sal: It all comes down to this.

- You ready?
- Yeah. I got to prop up.

Can I get a glazed
doughnut, please?

What?
Is that a prop?
Or you just want a doughnut?

Thank you.
Murr: Oh, no.

Joe and doughnuts
is tough to beat.

♪♪

Joe: Can I get a glazed
doughnut, please?

Murr: Oh, no.
He's getting a doughnut.

Q: Is that a prop?
Or you just want a doughnut?

- Thank you.
- Thank you so much.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Joe and doughnuts
is tough to beat.

That was odd for her to say.

The gastonia's
on you, Anastasia!

You can't even tell
this is a fake arm!

Sal: What?!

And I'll have you know, it was
elective surgery why I got it!

I have ses...

Scrotum-elbow syndrome!

"What's that," you ask?

Oh, that's when
little pouches of water

accumulate in the elbow

and it looks like you got
that baby b*ll s*ck!

Q: Murr laughed! Murr laughed!

This is a fake arm!

Also, I looked on the website...
It said you had the bluetooths,

and I'm pretty you don't
got bluetooths in here!

If you're gonna talk
about the bluetooths,

have the bluetooths!

Ahh!

- Come on!
- Joe got that one.

Q: Yeah.

Narrator: He who laughs
last gets punished.

And that's murr.

Murr is our loser.

Sal: So for your punishment
today,

we're gonna be pumping you
full of histamines...

I'm allergic to histamines.

Everybody's allergic
to histamines.

So I'm gonna have
an allergic reaction?

Right.
And then what?

And then we'll
take it from there.

- Right.
- Now, hold on one second,

'cause we're not qualified
to pump you full of 'mines,

but we know someone who is.

You remember
Dr. Frank of course.

You remember
Dr. Frank.

Okay.

Joe: You have a finger in
your a*s on television!

What's my a*s allergic to?

Don't worry, he's not
gonna enter you...

He's just gonna pump
you full of 'mines.

Sal: Now let's take it
from there.

But we're at
the gramercy theatre.

Upstairs is a packed house
full of hungry ladies

ready to watch "Australia's
thunder from down under"

male review.
Oh, my god!

Yes.
Hunks... hunks everywhere!

I don't have the body for that.

You're on stage in 20.

Dr. Frank, please hit
him with the 'mines.

Ah.

So, this is pure, uncut 'mines.

- This is the good stuff.
- Oh, god, I feel it.

Nng!

Sal: Wow. You look like
a reptile person.

And that's within two minutes.

Q: Man, you really went
hard on his chest.

Oh, those are his n*pples...
I'm sorry.

Sal: If you guys don't know
what

"Australia's thunder
from down under" is...

- It's a hunk train.
- I know.

♪♪

Well, ladies, I want you
all to prepares yourself,

because you are in
for one treat.

- All right, murr. Here we go.
- Oh, my god. It's so itchy.

- Here we go.
- Dude, I'm so excited.

Man: "Australia's thunder
from down under"

wants you to know that
there's a new sheriff in town.

Ah, yeah!

Ladies, put your hands
together for...

Murr: Oh, my god.

The lawmaker!

Q: Oh, my god!

Man: Ladies, put your hands
together for...

Murr: Oh, my god.

The lawmaker!

Q: Oh, it's a twink!

- Oh, my god!
- Oh, my god!

Q: Ahh!

Sal: Look at the confusion.

Murr: Oh, my god!
What's going on?

Oh, my god!

Look at his back!
Look at his back!

Look at his back!
Eughh!

Just do a little hump,
little hump, little hump.

Look at his leg!
Did he put it on his legs?

No, no. That's just his...
that's his...
no, no!

That's his disgusting flesh!

Oh, murr.

Look at her face.
Look at their faces!

What am I watching right now?

Agghh!

Look at them cheer!

Oh, my god!

Are you doing pushups?

I don't know what to do!

Is this what they do?

Look at this woman. She's got
"refund" all over her face.

Okay, Murray,
now go down the stairs

and start dancing on people.

Come on, man.
It's so bad.

We want them to see your
disgusting flesh close up.

I want to throw...
Now I want to throw up.

She doesn't want
to even go near him!

- Look at her face!
- I'm contagious... nobody touch.

- Oh, my god.
- Oh, god.

Q: Look at that back.

Everyone's scared
for their life!

I'm disgusting... I'm sorry!

My disgusting back.

Man: I think it's time
we got a girl up on stage.

A girl?

Hey, lawmaker...
Oh, no.

Why don't you join
the boys up on stage?

Look in comparison... his gross
body and these jacked men.

♪♪

Murr: I can't do
any of those moves!

Jesus Christ!

You've got none of those moves
and all of those bumps.

The lawmaker, it's your turn.

Crawl to her!
Crawl to her!

The lawmaker!

He doesn't even crawl sexy!

Ah, he doesn't do anything sexy.

I'm sorry!
Don't touch me, though.

Don't touch me.

She's trying to stay away!
Look at her!

Look at her eyes!

I'm literally getting itchy.

Okay, now, murr, you're gonna
dance with them on stage.

♪♪

- Just follow the lead.
- Keep up with them, buddy.

Murr, look how hot they are,

and look how disgusting you are!

♪♪

Murr, big finish.

Own it!

Yeah, that's it!
There you go!

Own it, murr!
Yeah! Sexy!

You're a sexy b*tch!
Yeehaw! Yeehaw!

♪♪

You turned them.

Yeah!

Man: There you go, folks.

Wow!
That was good.

Ladies, this is the lawmaker!

You did great.
You itchy?

Here's some calamine lotion.

Here you go, buddy.
Get right in the middle there.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yes, yes, yes.

- Is it helping?
- Yes. So much.

It feels so much better.
Is your stomach settled?

Oh, is that...

What is that?
Pepto-bismol.

You son of a b*tch!

How much indignity can I take?

Just a little more.
Come on!

Here you go, buddy.
Saddle up.

Welcome to impractical insider.

Magic murr just got punished
in tonight's episode,

so I think you're itching
for a behind-the-scenes

look at how it happened.

And you're gonna get it
and bonus footage

from tonight's episode.

Don't touch murr.
Nobody touch murr.

I'm contagious.
Nobody touch.

Joe: You guys are all about your
performance with this woman,

and when you come up, it's
a performance to these ladies.

You hope they're
having a good time.

We're hoping they
just notice Murray

and how atrocious he is.

We'll see how that plays.

So you might be actually playing

for the worst crowed
you ever played to.

Thank for your help.

Okay, now for a special,
we have Joe with the weather.

Guys, there's some thunder
coming from down under.

There's a thunder from down
under and a chance of flurries.

Are you guys allergic
to anything?

I'm not allergic to anything.

Really?
No.

Are you just saying that
'cause you don't want

people to know your weaknesses?

Wow.

I was sent by the guys
to pick you up.

And I have to do
some things to you.

First of all, I have to
deafen you and blind you.

Got it.
Are you sure
you can't see?

- I can't see.
- You can't see?

No.

Here we go.
Come with me, murr.

- Casey, this is terrifying.
- I got you. Okay.

You're about to be in the show.

- Hey.
- Murray's our loser.

Hi, everybody.
You're a doctor!

I know. Didn't you take
the hippocratic oath?

I'm not gonna hurt you.

He could do anything.

Joe: Oh my god, look at the
reaction to his face.

He didn't do my face, Joe.

How is this gonna
react with the acid

that runs through his veins?

Oh, we're not going
in the veins. No.

Could you do
the bald spot on him?

- Could you hit him once on that?
- I don't know about that.

Can I do it?

One minute.

One minutes till the song ends.

Oh, god.

Here we go!

Look at the silhouette!

Oh!

Man: This is the lawmaker!

Q: Oh, it's a twink!

Oh, my god!

Woman: Oh, my god!

Look at him!
Look at him!

Oh! Ugh!

Look at this.

Look in comparison to his
gross body and these jacked men.

Yeah, that's it. There you go.
You're a sexy b*tch!

Ohh.

Come on.

♪♪

Own it, Murray!
You're sexy! Own it!

Sal: Yeehaw! Yeehaw!

Ah, yeah.

How do you think he did?
Can he join the team?

I think we might have
a spot for him, eh?

Yeah.
Get rid of those hives
and...

I was gonna say... if he can
control his allergies, maybe.

I talked to the guys... they
want you to join the troupe.

No, they don't, Casey.
They did.

They said you're...
No one wants me to join.

I'm being a friend.
I'm not Australian,
I'm not from down under,

and I don't have the body.

They said the accent
was the issue.

Was it?
More than anything else.

Thanks, bud.
Some real friends.

Yeah, Joe.
Take out the big mirror.

Sal: He pulled it right
out of his pants!

Only talk to him like that.

So this is your first time here?

And you don't have any problem
with your teeth currently?

No. No, no, no, no, no.
You ever got the vitis?

Gingivitis?
Gingivitis.
You ever get the vitis?

What's your plaque sitch...
Severe to moderate?

Pop your collar.

I don't have any idea.