07x12 - Bull Shiatsu

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why does q
need medical attention?

Paging Dr. Milk d*ck.

Narrator: What's got Joe
droppin' it like it's hot?

Whoops.

Narrator:
And which losing joker

will be sitting tight
in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Murr: This is the stupidest
thing I've ever seen.

We're here at 180 maiden
Lane, playing one of
our favorite games...

Cranjis?

Cranjis mcbasketball?

While checking people in
to their appointment,

we're gonna have to read out
some strange names

that have been made up
by the other guys.

The goal is to read these
odd names without laughing.

Whoever laughs the least wins.

Is anyone here cranjis?

♪

What did you tell the people who
walk in,

like when they walk up
to the desk?

He never knows what to say.

He never knows what to say.

He'll ask again.

What did...
Can you just tell me real quick,

what do you tell the people
when they first walk in?

Hey, guys, how you doing?

I guess... I guess just
have a seat where you like,

right here, and, um,
I don't... I don't know.

Joe:
Here we go.

Looking for juanita indacaboosa.

Joe:
Juanita indacaboosa.

Juanita indacaboosa?

No?

Why don't we just put up
the scoreboard right now

and just put
a thumbs-down for him?

Daniel picnic handsomes,
U.S. coast guard?

Joe: That was a smile.
He saved it.

He held it in.

Heimlich...

There's one!

Ding!
Who are you calling?

There's no lifeline, Regis.

Yeah, I just wanted
to make a note

that this one is so stupid.

That's the game.

Heimlich manure?

No? Let's go through it.

Eetwont flush?

You...

Eetwont flush.

I can't... this can't be...
Son ambulance?

♪

Son ambulance?

No?

No son ambulance.

Ita dapeeza?

Ita dapeeza?

Joe: Eat the pizza.
Eat the pizza.

Ita dapeeza.

Here we go.
Last couple there.

Faith b*tch?

Faith b*tch?
I don't know what's going on.

I don't know.
You know what it is?

Old f...

That's got... that's got him!

I'm gonna bet dollars
to doughnuts

nobody here is
ol' fashioned handy.

Ol' fashioned handy.

Well, that's all
the names I have.

We're through the list I have.

There's five remaining people.

Oh, just ask them their names?

Hi, guys.

You can have a seat
over here, please.

Hi, guys.
Okay.

Look at his hair.

He's a 41-year-old man.
Look at his hair!

Do you use L.A. looks
or dep?

At least I could use one.

Touché!

Q: Here we go.
Here he goes.

Okay, remo gatto.

No remo?

That's Joe's newborn son.

Strong name.

Strong name, or does he fit
right into this game?

Okay.

Dusty scarole.

We got him up top.
That's promising.

There's no dusty up in here.

High priestess gabagool?

High priestess gabagool?

High priestess gabagool.

No high priestess gabagool.

This game is so stupid.

Aunt Tim?

Aunt Tim!

Damm shawty?

Damm shawty.

Damm shawty!

Sal: He laughed.
That's a laugh.

That's a laugh.
That is a laugh.

That was a laugh.
He went

bicurious George?

Is there a George?
Is there a bicurious?

♪

d*ck dump?

That's a... that's a laugh!

Yeah! Three!

A. Long squirtz?

Yes!

This is the most
we've ever gotten him!

A. Long squirtz?

Okay.
Hi. How are you?

You're here
for the focus groups?

Great. Just give me
your names real quick.

One second.
No, no!

Never mind. They're gonna
call up for you guys.

So, have a seat
over there, okay?

The whole game is
you don't know their...

Q: Right.
Here it comes.

Okay.

Oprahs?

Oprahs? No?
Not in this group?

Oprahs.

Next up. Please head in
when you're ready.

Uh, mort spandex?

Mort?
Joe: Mort!

No?

I don't know what this list is.
This is not the list.

Okay. 45 groups.

Expect me to remember names of
people. I don't remember them.

Sorry. I can't remember
a g*dd*mn thing.

Goose boils?

Goose boils... no?
Sal:
She's suspect.

Everybody else
is not paying attention.

Uh, what's your first name?
Lucy.

I don't have a Lucy,
but I have a...

Hey, that's a laugh.

How about a Cleo dookieslide?

Cleo? You're Lucy.

Are you Cleo?

This is not... Hercules ba*ls?

Sir?
I'll take that name.

Mr. ba*ls, go on in.

Yes, Mr. ba*ls
is coming right now.

Let me find... come on!

Tristin mays?

Is Tristin mays, star of
the TV show "MacGyver," here?

Yeah, Ms. Mays,
go ahead on in.

Anybody want to be
jergens turdley or Oprah?

Head on in.

Hey, fudgy perks, go in.

My head is spinning.

Hi.
How's it going?

Uh, you guys
signed in downstairs?

Yes.
Just have a seat.

Here we go.

Joe: He doesn't even want
to open the book.

You got to go, bud,
so you might as well jump in.

♪

What, do you got
a sneeze comin'?

Earl? Earl turlet?

Yes!
Yeah, there it is!

Earl?

No.

♪

Thighs mcpartland?

Thighs mcpartland?

Murr: That's Pete mcpartland,
our show runner.

No?

Flo jobb?

Florence jobb?

♪

Keratine treatmentz?

Keratine...

Oh, kera... keri... keri.

You just said,
"keratine treatmentz."

Come on, man.

Just... I'm just reading
the names that they send me.

So, uh, for instance,
for like right now,

they're ready
for corky marinara.

Corky marinara.
Corky marinara.

Corky marinara?

Okay.

Oh.

Jitzwad gumlord?

Is there a jitzwad gumlord
in this room?

Jitzwad gumlord?

♪

Freddurst edgebono?

Joe:
We got him!

Oh.

This is the worst
you've ever done.

Professor milk d*ck, phd?

Paging Dr. Milk d*ck.

Joe: Yeah.
You did terrible.

That was terrible.

Just between me and you guys,

that was the worst showing
I've ever had.

Narrator:
Q, sal, and Joe

are giggling
all the way to the loser board.

Today, we're showing
to the streets,

and at some point,
we're gonna drop our wallet.

Joe.

Murr: When a good samaritan
picks it up for us,

we'll insist on giving them
a reward from our Fanny pack.

The catch is that we don't know

what strange reward
is in the Fanny pack

because it's been put there
by the other guys.

If the stranger doesn't keep
the weird reward, you lose.

Like a little shoe from
Murray's personal collection.

♪

Sal, the Fanny pack actually
matches the outfit right now.

It does. You look like
there's some weed in there.

Joe: Here we go.
Here we go.

Oh, my god, is that...
That's mine?

Oh, my god.
Thank you so much.

You know what,
let me give you...

Q: Uh-oh.

This is a...

It's a shank.

It's a... it's a...
It's like a shank.

I did a little bit of...
A little bit of time, but...

This kept me safe
for like six months.

Yeah.

Please.
I pay it forward to you.

Oh!
Oh, my god.

She took it!

She took the shank.

That is designed
for one purpose only...

To stab a fellow prisoner.

I did... see, I touched the nose
up there and did 6 to 10.

God bless.
Thank you.

Yeah.

Stone street?
Yes.

I think it's up your a*s here,
to the left.

Yeah! Wow!
Bonus point!

Bonus point.
Murr: Back to back!

This might be your greatest
moment in show history.

You won a challenge
by giving away a shank,

you referenced an earlier
punishment from the show,

and you dribbled down on an,
"up your a*s, to the left."

This is
one of my finest hours.
This is
your finest hour, bud.

I know.

That was an older lady
that I said,

"up your a*s
and to the left," to.
Yeah.

And I said it with authority
and without hesitation.

Joe:
Okay, don't push it.
All right, dude.

When we compliment you,
it's good.
We got it.

That's good.
That's enough.
But when you sit there
and toot your own horn...

If there's a god, a bird would
on him right now.

Sal: By the way,
royal-blue Fanny pack on him

doesn't even look out of place.

Q: Doesn't it look like,

if you look at him
out of the corner of your eye,

he's wearing chaps?

I look good in chaps.
I'll tell you that.

Who told you
you look good in chaps,

and what situation were you in
that they told you that?

It was me,
and it's paying off right now.

I think it's over here.

Yeah.

Q: Oh, here you go, murr.
He's coming right at you.

Oh, my god. Dude, wow.
Where was this?

It was just on the floor there?

Thank you so much, man.
L-Let me thank you.

Let me thank you.
That's such a good samaritan.

No, no. Seriously.
Here, here, here. Here, here.

This is a
"donate a buck, save a bark."

You know, you can donate
to... to animals.

You know what it is?

I went to the store
and I took it off the counter.

You know, people donate
to... to needy animals.

Yeah, I'm kind of
the neediest animal of them all.

So that's for you.
Thank you so much.

Thank you.
You'll keep it, right?

Keep it, please.

Wow.

He gave him his wallet back,

but then accepted
pet donations.
Yeah.

Stolen.
Stolen pet donations.

Maybe he's not an animal lover.

Joe: So the Fanny pack
is over the top of your body,

all disheveled.
I got it.

They're gonna feel bad
for you... a lost soul.

♪

- - She don't care.
- She can't give a

she didn't see it.

What?!

Oh, my god!

This is my wallet.
Thank you so much.

Here you are, a very nice la...

You know what?
I got something for you.

A little thank-you.
A little thank-you.

This is, uh... what does he got?

You know what?
I got something for you.

A little thank-you.
A little thank-you.

This is, uh...

Joe: It's, uh,
spider eggs.

It's spider eggs.

There's a bunch of
spider eggs right there.

No, but they're rare.
They're rare. It's a cer...

It's okay. It's okay.
Are you sure?

I'm all right.
You're all right?

No one's taking those.

No matter how hard you try,
you cannot...

You're not gonna rid of those.

I think a respectable man
can get rid of some spider eggs.

I'll give you another try
with the eggs

if you swap up your look.

All right.
Okay, buttoning up.

All right. Looking svelte.
Fix the hair.

All right.
You're actually
good-looking now.

You should do that
more often, buddy.

Yeah, but you're at
an advantage now, too,

'cause you know
what it is, so...

♪

Oh, dude, thank you so much.
Thank you, brother.

You did a m... you know
what, actually? I actually
just came out of work.

I'm a... I'm a...
I'm a spiderologist

here at the museum.
Okay.

Spiderologist?

What the...?

Here is... this is...

These are spider eggs
of a very rare spider.

All right.

You could sell these eggs,
each, for like $12, $13.

If you actually get
the spider out of it,

then you're looking at
like 50, 60 bucks a spider.

Oh!

Very good back story.
Very good back story.

As a thank-you,
I want you to take it.

All right, man.
Are you sure?
Yeah.

Dead sure, man.

Thank you, man.
Thank you.

Murr: You gave him a second turn
and it came back to bite us.

Spiderologist.

Hey...

Hey...

I see Joe is playing a tourist.

Hey. New York City.

Greatest city in the world.

Where's the
shatten island ferry?

Shatten island ferry?

Shatten? Uh...

♪

Oh!
New York City!

Hey, hey, hey!

Take... take...
Take... thank you.

Murr:
Rhino urine.

It's, uh...

Rhino, uh...

Rhino pee-pee.

It's for you.

You make love to wife,
take shot, have babies.

Do I know your wife?

Whoops.

Sal: Looks like
it's spring-loaded.

Oh. Whoops.
There it is.

Party on, party people.

Make some noise.
It's rhino pee.

No? All right.

What the is going on?
I lose.

Narrator: The only reward
for Joe is another thumbs-down,

which means
he's tonight's big loser.

All right.
One down!

Joe is today's big loser.

All right, buddy,
we're in woodbridge center,

and all you got to do, really,

is just give massages
to people shopping in the mall.

All right. Get out there
and give 'em some rubdowns?

Eh...
Eh...

I feel like
there's a little bit more

than just giving a shiatsu.

♪

Q: There he is.
There he is!

Joe, you're in a massage chair.

Thanks for the update.

Yeah, yeah, do you know

what you think
the climate's like in here?

It's a balmy 97 degrees.

I'm ensconced in pleather.

Where are you arms?
Can you move them?

Right here.

Where are your legs?
They're here,
in the thing.

Wait, let me ask you a question.

What's it gonna be like
when people sit on you?

It's gonna hurt, probably.

So, when they put their arms
in the... on the thing,

you're gonna massage them
with your hands?

I don't know what I'm gonna do.

You're talking to me
like I've done this before.

Oh, you mean the last time
I was a massage chair?

Here we go.
Here we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Q:
Look at Joe.

Stay calm, buddy.

Turn on.
Start massaging.

Yeah, Joe, start massaging.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Sal:
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Q:
Look at Joe.
Stay calm, buddy.

Turn on.
Start massaging.

Yeah, Joe, start massaging.

♪

Joe, she thinks it's real.

Now she's squinting
like this is a little weird.

All right, Joe, use your hands.

Ooh.

Time is up.

There's just a thin layer
of pleather between me

and someone's fist

if they decide to punch
the chair that grabs them.

Yeah, that's what we're hoping.

Yeah. Exactly.

Vibrate.

Combination.

Q:
Oh, there's the arms!

He's already in zales.

The smell... this chair's
gonna start smelling.

I'm sweating
like an animal in here.

Joe, this machine
makes noises, no?

Use the hands, bud.

She just jacked me.

All right, Joey.

Joe, give her the old whirly...
Whirly-dirly setting.

What if the chair
gives compliments?

Go ahead.

Joe:
You look beautiful today.

Oh, thank you.

You look beautiful today.

The massager.

Massage.

Massage. Massage.

♪

♪

Time is up.

Joe.
Vibrate, baby.
Vibrate for him.

It's massage and stretch.

Massage and stretch.

He has no idea what's going on.

Time is up.

♪

You're welcome.

This is the stupidest thing
I've ever seen.

Guys, is this done?

All right, one last person.

That'll do.

It's...

Byamba!
Byamba!
Byamba!

Joe's arch Nemesis.

You flew byamba in from Japan?

Byamba weighing in
at about 387 pounds.

Here we go.
Here we go.

Byamba!

Oh, god. Ohh!

Oh, god!

Oh, my god, he's so heavy!

He's so heavy!

Murr: Joe, jiggle,
jiggle, jiggle.

You look beautiful today.

All right, Joe.
Get him out of there.

Joe, you made it, buddy.
You made it, buddy.

Yeah!

All right, Joe.

Good job, buddy.
See you later.

There he goes.
That's it, buddy. You're done.

I don't even know where to go.

♪

All right, well,
Joe felt the pressure

in tonight's punishment,

and now you get
to sit back and relax

and find out
the behind-the-scenes

of how it happened and bonus
footage from tonight's episode.

Uh, yeah, massage.

Casey: Punishment day,
huh?

Punishment time.
Time to get punished.

They put me in the back bowels
of the woodbridge mall,

said, "stay here
till we're ready for you."

They're ready for me.

So this is how
I'm giving massages?

Yeah.
I'm a massage chair?

Yeah.
I get it now.

Can we just give it up
to will thaxton...

Wow.

Who took our idea
and designed this chair?

Have you been in it?
Yeah.

Has it been fun?
It's terrible.

Terrible.
That's good to know.

I mean, he's gonna
sweat his a*s off in that thing.

He's gonna be inside
of just, like, fake leather,

just plastic.

You look like
the exact type of person

that would be inside
a massage chair.

All these wires.
Look at this.

Ready for this, buddy?

Put your head back.

Oh-oh-oh!

Casey: There's two cameras
in here.

There's like five
different audio sources.

This is audio, this is audio.

There's one here,
and then there's two in here.

It's... it's above my pay grade.

Let's see if it works.

Sal: You are like the world's
transformer.

Blah! Blah!

So how do we get people
in the chair, uh,

without bringing too much
attention to the chair itself?

So we have a whole
massage station that's free.

It's wellness day
here at woodbridge center.

Uh, these are taken, but we can
throw you in the chair

for five minutes,
just a five-minute program.

We're trying to get people
to sit in the chair.

Murr: Here we go.
Here we go.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Joe...
Look at him.

You look like Woody...
Woody woodpecker.

Eh!

Ohh! Ohh!
He did not like that.

No.
Well, he's sitting on Joe's lap.

We love punishment days,

'cause Joe's sitting out there
in a chair,

waiting for people
to come and sit down

so he can rub up on 'em,

and we are, uh,
enjoying pretzels.

Save me one?
No.

Ooh, it's a hot cheese.

It's a hot cheese.

I wasn't expecting that.
You know what's a real treat?

The sweet icing, too.

A chair is giving
a chair massage.

You look beautiful today.

Wow, look at this.

You look like
a "star wars" character,

like, that got cut
from the film.

How did it feel?

Joe:
It was hot and gross.

Well, there goes the power.

Guys.
Guys, it's dark.

We're adjusting the chair,

and the power went out
and the fan.

Guys.
Now it looks like
you're Blair witch.

Murr: Just your nose
is sticking out.

Now that the punishment's over,
would you rather stand or sit?

I would definitely rather stand.

Right?

♪

Murr:
Here we go.

Uh, are one of you guys...

Are one of you guys
vice president of development

and original programming
simmy kantstandyourbitz?

Nobody here is vice president
of development

and original programming
simmy kantstandyourbitz?

Joe: That's simmy kustanowitz,
our network executive.

Congrats on the promotion!
Congratulations
on the promotion!

Is that it?
I'm done.