07x20 - Hump Day

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
why is Joe putting his feet up?

What's got sal
feeling charitable?

I Grant poor kids access
to the sewer immediately.

What the hell?

Narrator:
And which losing joker will
take a walk on the wild side

in tonight's
beast of a punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Murr: Who the hell
gave you that much pita?!

Today, we are working at grk
fresh Greek in New York City.

While working at grk,
you got to do

and say what
the other guys tell you.

And if you refuse to do
or say anything, you lose.

Joe: Murr, you got
this guy behind you?

Just a little etiquette
would serve him better.

"Elbows off the table,
please."

Q: Ooh, wow.

You waiting on your...
You waiting on the food, sir?

- Yes.
- Great.

- Oh, what'd you get?
- Um, I got the, uh, chicken...

Okay. And just a reminder,
elbows off the table.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Thanks.

That's swirling around
in his head, like,
"what just happened?"

He didn't even give
an annoyed look.

He's in inner turmoil right now.

Let's go talk to him
again and check in.

Here you go, sir.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

Murr, just take a handful of ice
and dump it in his cup.

Um, I'm gonna top off
your ice, as well.

Give me one sec.
So enjoy.

No elbows on the table.
Extra ice in the cup.

♪

- Enjoy, okay?
- All right, yeah.

- Thank you.
- You got it, man.

That guy didn't have a reaction.

He didn't move.

Once he drinks from that cup,
my day, personally, is over.

Sal's gonna explode.
Yeah.

If that came from
Murray's hands,

you can probably see the germs.

- You could blacklight it.
- Murray, I'm sorry,

but you're gonna be
in a holding pattern.

You got to
wait till we find out.

His cup is the most interesting
thing on television right now.

♪

Oh, my god. Murray,
I'm impressed, buddy.

Q: Hey, murr, go back
to the guy with the water.

Real quick. Go.
Before he walks away.

And just be like,
"hey, quick survey...

Did any part of your dining
experience just suck a*s?"

Uh, quick survey we do
with everybody.

Did any part of your dining
experience suck a*s?

- No.
- No, it was great.

Great. Thanks so much.
No a*s was sucked. Great.

Thanks a lot.
Have a great day.

Murr, see the guy in the corner
with the white hair?

- Yeah.
- Take out your cellphone

and just take shots of him,
going, "daaaamn!"

♪

Daaaamn.

"Daaaamn, shorty!"

Damn, shorty!

Do a wind-up on one,
like, "diggity damn!"

Joe:
"That pita, though."

Diggity damn!
That pita, though!

How's it going, sir?
How you doing today?

- How are you today?
- Good, good.

Murr: "Hey, you want
a free meal? We just need

a 10-second clip of you on video
about the restaurant."

We're giving you a free meal
if we could just record

like a 10-second clip of you
about the restaurant.

We got the food
coming over here.

Well, yeah. We'll get it back
to you. All right, here.

We're just gonna post this
on the social media.

Here's what I need you
to say, sir. Okay.

Murr:
"Yum yum, fresh."

- "Yum yum, fresh."
- Yum yum, fresh.

"24-7, yes, please."

That's
"24/7, yes, please."

24/7, yes, please.

"That's the way
daddy likes it."

"That's the way
daddy likes it."

That's the way daddy likes it.

"And I'm kidding.
We're not doing anything today.

But I'll pay
for your meal for you."

I'm kidding. That's not
really for social...

I'll pay for your meal.
That video's for me.

Sal: Okay, q, indignantly look
at the girl in the pink pants

and go, "that's how
you hold a fork?"

So much harder
than you think it is.

"Indignant"
being the key word, bud.

How's everything go...

Is that, uh...
That's how you hold a fork?

- The stench face is great.
- One more.

"And who the hell
gave you that much pita?!"

Yeah, clean that pole.
That pole's dirty.

Do what we told you!
Don't try and distract us!

"Excuse me, miss.
Who gave you that much pita?"

Q: This.

Murr: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.

- "No sunglasses in here."
- Hi. Excuse me.

Oh, absolutely. Right...
It's right in the front.

I will say, though,
there's no sunglasses in here.

Yeah. We don't want
anybody too cool.

- Thank you.
- What?

Oh, my god.

Can you just...
Yeah, no sunglasses inside.

Hmm. Thank you.

- Wow.
- But she kept them off.

Follow the rules.

Sal, you see the guy eating
by himself at the counter?

Go up behind him.
Loom behind him.

Don't make him aware
that you're there yet.

Just loom behind him, bud.

Joe: Stiff upper body.
Stiff upper body.

Murr: Elongate your neck
a little bit.

Right there.
Stand there! Don't move!

Oh, my god.

♪

Q: Sal, you see the guy eating
by himself at the counter?

Just loom behind him, bud.

Right there.
Stand there! Don't move!

Murr: Oh, my god.

Hi.

"My name is Fred.
I make the lettuce."

- Hello.
- Hi.

My name's Fred.
I shred the lettuce.

Okay. Cool.
"I'm not supposed
to be out here."

I'm not even supposed
to be out here.

Oh, really? Okay.

Q:
"How's Fred's lettuce?"

How's, uh...
How's Fred's lettuce?

- Good.
- Thanks.

Joe:
Stay there. Stay there.

Now, Cole, charge over there.

Say, "Fred,
get back in the kitchen!"

Make a scene.

- Fred, get back in the kitchen!
- The lettuce, the lettuce.

Joe:
Grab the bottle. Spray him.

♪

Murr: Joey, guy in
the pink shirt there?

I think his seat's dirty, bud.

They didn't wipe this one down
before you sat. I apologize.

- That's okay.
- It's not okay.

I mean, that's what
we pride ourselves on.

That's the difference
in the place.

If you can pop up real quick.
I'm sorry.

You pop up real quick?
Thanks.

I just want to make sure
you're all good.

Q: Check out his butt. Make sure
there's nothing on it, pal.

You're okay? Great.
You're all set.

Yeah, I just want to make sure
you didn't sit in anything.

Great.
- Joe, now get a napkin.

Put it on his lap.

Did they tell you
about tonight's specials?

- I'm all set, man.
- Greek food.

- Here you go.
- Thank you very much. Thank you.

Make a tablecloth
out of napkins for the guy.

Here you go.
Thank you, sir.

You know about the specials,
Greek food.

Made sure that a*s was clean.
And we got the table set.

Thank you, sir.

And enjoy.

- Thank you.
- Here we go.

Murr:
Grab a chair, Joey.

Drag it around, not knowing
where it goes in the restaurant.

This one goes...

Kind of like a kid
dragging around his blankie.

Q: Oh, you don't know
where the chair goes?

That's it, Joe.

♪

They got the two here.

This is a two-top, though,
so this is not...

This is four.
It's this one. No?

One, two, three, four.
One, two, three...

Where the...?

Sal: Walk outside and
down the street with it.

Walk outside into the street.

♪

Just set the chair down.
Sit in the chair.

Yeah, yeah.
Take your shoes off.

Just start massaging
your feet up on your lap.

♪

You don't care anymore.

Look to your left and go,
"me?! You!"

- - " Me?!
- You, man!"

♪

Q: Joe, could you fall back
in the chair without
hurting yourself?

Joe:
You?! Me!

This is New York City, right?

He's laying on his back
in a birth position

with his bare feet in the air.

Cops don't say anything.

Murr: Look at this guy
in the straw hat.

New York City!
New York City!

Oh. Sorry.
There you go.

Narrator:
Q went from dining to whining

because he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at
focus pointe global,

competing head-to-head
in a focus group

as participants answering
a questionnaire.

That's right, sal,
but here's the catch.

The guys participating
in the focus group

have written the answers
for each other.

That's right, q.

At the end, we'll ask
the participants to vote

for which one of us should be
kicked out of the group.

If the group kicks you out,
you lose.

All in favor
of kicking out murr?

Unanimous.

♪

Today we're just gonna be
designing the perfect city.

Joe: Sal wrote murr's answer.
Murr wrote sal's answer.

At the end, they're gonna
vote somebody off the island.

Imagine you are starting
a city from scratch.

What's the first thing
that you do?

Uh, Amber, would you
like to answer this one?

City planning, infrastructure,

and, like,
public transportation.

Great. Uh, James, would you
like to answer this one?

Uh, sure. Um, I would separate
the c-section people f...

Man: Imagine you are starting
a city from scratch.

What's the first thing
that you do?

Uh, James, would you
like to answer this one?

Uh, sure. Um, I would separate
the c-section people f...

From the vaginal births, just
to get an idea of those stats.

For what reason do you
want to know that stat?

We should always be
thirsty for knowledge, and
there's no wrong answers.

Yes?
- There are no wrong answers.

Uh, let's go on to the next one.

What would the city's
sports teams be called?

Janelle, would you
like to answer this one?

Yeah, I just went with the
giants 'cause I'm a new yorker.

- Okay.
- That's a good one.

Man: Sal, would you
like to answer this?

I had written...
I thought this was cute.

The Mexican marshmallows.

And I'd... and I'd be...
I'd be the captain.

Why "Mexican"? Why?

Because my friends...
They mess it up

and think that I'm Mexican
'cause I'm Spanish,

but they get it wrong
all the time,

so I just put a little of
my own personality in the mix.

Hmm. Might want
to get new friends.

I couldn't agree with you more.

♪ Dun-neh-neh-neh! ♪

Uh, let's keep moving.

Benny, what would you do to
encourage business in the city?

Benny: Lower taxes.
That's what I thought about.

Okay. Sal?

Uh, I think tax abatements
are a great way,

and, like, 15 years, no taxes
for mom-and-pop shops,

and then 20 for the titty clubs.

I used to run a small business,
and I had, uh...

Uh, how else would you
attract tourists? James?

Uh, I wrote "ladies' night
city-wide on Thursdays,

and 5-cent a*s-blast wings
on Saturdays."

- Yeah, it might, right?
- You're on board with that?

Joe: She clearly
likes Murray better!

How much were
the a*s-blast wings?

Murr:
5-cent a*s-blast wings.

Okay, sal, what types of parks
and/or other public spaces

would you create?

I'd Grant poor kids access
to the sewer immediately.

What the hell, dude?

- Ohh!
- Why?

There's a lot of the sewer
that is abandoned,

and it's ripe for
space to re-develop

and make into, like,
recreational areas.

No, you're... you're saying

that I'm creating a city
out of thin air like I'm Jesus.

I'm talking about...

No, you're not Jesus.
You're the Mexican marshmallow.

I have to agree
with Janelle here.

Okay, uh, James, would your city

be more progressive
than other cities?

I wrote, "yes, of course.

We'd be open to all
g*y and straight lords."

Lords?

g*y lords and
straight lords. You know.

Joe: Look at Benny!
Benny loves it!

Thank you, everyone.

I want you to write down the
name of a person at this table

that you would not take
to your city.

Oh, this is gonna be good.

Janelle, how do you
spell your name?

Uh, it is actually a tie
between sal and James.

Wow!

That means I would have won
if I voted for you.

Man: Hello. Hi.
How are you?

- How is everybody?
- Great.

"Anthony"? You weirdo.

So, imagine you are starting
a city from scratch.

How would you attract tourists?

I would make the travel,
like, all-inclusive.

Uh, Joe?

I said, "run advertisements
on national TV,

claiming we caught
an alien."

Is the alien alive or...?

Hopefully he's alive.

Nobody wants to see
a dead alien.

Great. Uh, Anthony?

Well, I said, uh,
"everybody is legally single

when they're in town
like those 'purge' movies."

- Did you see the "purge" movies?
- I didn't.

Yeah, the "purge" movies
are about k*lling each other.

Oh, I didn't actually see them.

I thought it was like "purging"
wives and husbands.

No.

Man: Okay, um,
let's talk about

who the mayor of your city
would be.

Anthony?

Yeah. Uh...
Your mother.

Yeah.

Joe, who would you
choose as mayor?

Yeah, I'd be, uh... I'm the
mayor because I flex nuts.

This is slang for having
b*llet-hole scars.

- "I flex nuts"?
- What?

Having b*llet-hole scars
I thought would put out
that fear, you know?

I flex nuts.

Moving on, how do you plan
to deal with pollution?

I just went off
something existing.

I said the city bike program,
but with horses.

So there's just...

There's just horses lined up,

you can just swipe your
credit card and take a horse?

Yes.

But bikes don't cause
pollution, so why...

Why replace them with horses?

Yeah, that is a good point,
I guess.

You know, and horses...
They flex nuts.

That's why I'm on board with it,
but besides that...

This is my new favorite
term. I've never heard
it before today.

All right,
let's look at how would you

deal with a major emergency?

Uh, listen, I would have
a frank discussion

about cannibalism
with the children.

Then I'd k*ll someone quickly

so everyone knows
I mean business."

Murr: What?

Where did you guys come from?

Man: I think we have a lot
of good stuff here.

Write down
the name of the person

that you would not take with you
to develop a new city.

Who do you think?
I think Joe's
getting kicked out.

I think q gets kicked out.
I think q lost.

Uh, so the group voted
the person that is not coming

to the new city is Anthony.

- Ohh!
- Q loses!

Celtic green takes the day.

Narrator: Murr, q, and sal
were exiled to the loser board,

which means q is
getting punished.

Yes! Q has lost the episode,
so we've brought him here

to the unbelievable
white post farms.

What kind of punishment
is bringing me to a zoo?

This is where I'm the happiest.

Well, we're gonna make you
an exhibit here.

You will live amongst
the squalor and swine

until we say otherwise.

They have goats, zebras,
alpacas, giraffe, and now a q.

It's great.
The collection's complete.

And it's dawning on me that
I am gonna be in a cage.

What do you mean it's
dawning on you?

We just told you.

Q: This is...
This is dumb.

Sal: You have this
lovely zoo abode.

You got shade there.
You got a blanket and a pillow.

This lukewarm, tepid cesspool
is for your comfort.

Even we're kind enough
to throw in a bathing suit.

But what am I supposed to do?

- You live here.
- You live here.

You know, you can hang out.
You can check in with friends.

We hung a toy from you.

You got your cellphone that we
took from you earlier hanging.

Q: Oh, my god.

Is it 100 degrees? Yes.
Does it smell like hot manure?

Yes.

We, uh... we're gonna go.

Bye, buddy.

We're gonna leave you
with a companion.

- There it is.
- Yeah!

Is that... that's a camel?

- What's his name?
- Pepe.

Sal: Peps.

- Oh, pepe stinks.
- Yeah, he's a camel.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye, buddy.

- When do I go home?
- When it's over.

Joe: We'll see you later.
Have a good weekend.

- When do I go home?
- When it's over.

What do you think, pepe?

What are you doing? Posing?

No, no.
Don't eat the toilet paper.

Aah! Hey, is pepe allowed to
eat my air-conditioning?

Pepe, don't eat my pool.

Pepe, no!
Pepe, no. Pepe, no.

Oh, he already started pooping.

There's camel sh*t in here now.

Hey.
Trying to sleep here, pal.

You know, pepe's really going
to town on the equipment, guys.

Who am I talking to?

Thank you.

Ohh-ahh! Oh, my god.

Pepe, stand there. Pepe.
Oh, I hate you, guys.

Would you please shut up?

There's food in my pool.

Looks pretty boring.

Pepe. I used to be
a fireman, pepe.

I used to be useful.

Man: Hello?

Hello.

- Are you hungry?
- You have treats?

You want meal?

- Pepperoni?
- Yeah. Pepperoni.

Yeah? All right.
I'll take it.

- Thank you for that.
- See you later.

Thank you for coming in.

And don't step in the
puddle of camel piss.

Thanks for coming in here
and just throwing food at me.

I mean, at what point
do I get let out?

Uh, okay.

I'm so bored, pepe.

There are flies
everywhere, pepe.

Wait. That's a guy?

Everybody's staring at me, pepe.

Pepe's getting a bath.

Now I need you.

Oh, you want to clean me
with that thing?

You just rubbed it
all over the camel.

Yes, come here.
You sit over here.

All right.

Sit down.

♪

All right. Okay.

No brush. No brush.

Man: Yeah.

Ohh! Ohh! God!

Okay. We got it.
We got it.

Oh, my god.
We got it. We got it.

Somebody help!

Somebody do
something about this.

Okay. There.
Pepe go home.

- Pepe go home?
- Yeah. You stay here.

- But we're friends, man.
- Good night, baby.

- Good night, baby.
- Bye. Bye.

What are you doing?

Coming in.

This is insane.

Dude, I don't know if you're
real or I'm imagining you.

You all right?

Yeah.

I've been breathing in
goat all day.

Can we go home, please?

I can.

Hey, Siri.
Facetime Joe gatto.

- Hey.
- Hey, man.

I can't take it. I can't
take it anymore. I can't.

I'm losing it.

It's late.
I'm trying to sleep.

I know!
Get me out of here!

We never locked the gate.

- -Oh, you.
- -

q: Okay.
I'm an idiot.

I probably could have left
10 minutes after they left,

and it would have been fine,
but instead, I'm an a*s

that stayed inside
of this thing all day,

and I'm going, and I'm done,
and I'm out of here.

♪

Q is out of the zoo, but there
is a gaggle of extra footage.

But first, I need
to hear from the man.

- Yeah?
- Do you miss it?

- Miss what?
- The zoo?

I don't. I miss pepe.
I miss pepe.

He was a pretty cool camel, man.

I love you. I love you.
I love you.

- Have you guys talked since?
- We have not, but I will,

over the course of his life,
go visit pepe.

- That is very sweet.
- I definitely will.

We really bonded.
I love that camel.

Wow.

Got a camel toe showing.
Heh-heh-heh.

Can you not throw that
on the floor, please?

Oh, you want more of this?

You don't mind if I have
a little, do you?

You're gonna ruin your dinner
if you eat that whole tent.

You don't say much, pepe,
but you're a looker.

There's a crew member
that was involved,

a Mr. Joe imburgio.

- Hmm. He didn't make the cut.
- He didn't do well.

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to the zoo.

I'm your zookeeper and your
ringleader. This is q.

Uh...

Sal:
Let's see him do tricks!

Do some tricks.

They haven't given me no notes.

So you're just... you're just
to stand here like a dope?

I believe so.

Joe's one of my best friends,
but he did his best.

That was terrible.

Play with your rope.

♪

Sal:
Let's see him dance!

Murr: You should put on a better
show! The crowd's leaving!

Raise your hand
if you're underwhelmed.

Now, there's other people

that have been on this...
In this episode.

There's a pizza man
that came by.
Yes.

Give me a large pie
with a hot cherry pepper.

It's going to
the white post farm,

specifically the goat pen.

- Somebody order a pizza?
- Oh, yeah.

What's up, man?
Hot cherry pepper?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Yeah.
- And two bottles of water.

- Thanks, bro.
- 28 dollars.

Uh, the odds of me having
$28 at this point...

Hey. Wait. Wait. Hey.
Do you have $28 I can borrow?

I can't waste too much time
here. I got food in the car.

People waiting.
Sorry. Sorry, man.

Really?

Pepe!

- So, you got home.
- Mm-hmm.

How did the cats treat you
after smelling like a zoo?

No. I pulled over...
This is true.

I pulled over on the way home.
I went to, like, a motel.

I rented a room for the night.

I went in, I showered,
and then I drove home.

- Wow. That is amazing.
- Yeah.

You're like a guilty husband.

Hey, bud.
How you doing?

We have a new apple pie
on the menu.

Let's send in enrico mcpartland.

So I'm just wondering
if you'd like a free sample.

- Sure.
- Okay.

- You've been served.
- Oh, what?

No! No! Serve sal!

Serve sal! Serve sal!
- It's for sal!

He might have thought
you were me.

I don't know what it'd be.

I think that was... yeah.
Let me get you the apple pie.

Murr:
Served the wrong guy.

That's our head producer,
Pete mcpartland.

Yeah. That's the guy
in charge of everything.

So, sir, this is
actually a baklava

we make fresh that's new.

- Have you had?
- No.

- Please. On the house.
- I really appreciate it.

- It's my pleasure, really.
- Thanks so much.

- You've been served.
- "Sal vulcano?"

Murr:
Pete, god's sakes.

He'd ask your name
if he was serving you.

He would, right?

Looks like I...
I got out of this joke again.

You're welcome, buddy.