07x21 - Out of Left Field

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
is Joe out for blood?

Why does sal
have his hands full?

Cannoli, please,
just come with us.

Narrator: And which losing joker
will have his ba*ls busted

in tonight's major league
punishment?

Get up! Get up!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Joe: I actually
have to make a wee-wee.

Mamma Mia, here we go again

with all four of us
competing at the same time.

We'll be sitting
in a waiting room,

secretly trying
to make each other laugh

while having the time
of our lives.

♪ And laugh, you're
eliminated, Fernando ♪

The winner takes the cake.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Q: ♪ da da, da-da ♪
you're gonna marry this b*tch!

Snoogins!

Hey, sweetheart.

Hey. That's all right.
I'll tell him.

Put the wedding planner on.

Hey, timone.
Hey. It's Brian.

The wedding song is

"pieces of me"
by Ashlee Simpson.

Excuse me.
Sorry. My allergies.

All right, yeah. Oh, it's okay.
Put her back on.

All right, cookie.
I'll talk to you later.

Bye. Love you.

♪

♪

♪

♪

Mr. Murray?

Yes. Hey, doc.

Uh, the test results are in.
Your a*s hole is fine.

Oh, great. I'll come
upstairs in a little bit.

Okay.

Congratulations
on your a*s hole.

Ahh.

♪

I got a pizza delivery
for a tanka jahari?

I'm tanka jahari,

but I would... Never order
a whole pizza for myself.

I mean, I'll take it, but...

Here.

I mean, you guys
have to believe me.

I would never order a whole
pizza just for myself.

No.

It's, like, totally not mine,
but I am tanka jahari.

I mean, I don't even...
It's not even my pizza.

I don't even... oh.
It's not my pizza.

I would never eat
a whole pizza by myself.

I would never even eat it.
I would never eat...

I'm not gonna, like, not...
Not waste food, though.

That's fine, tanka.

Well, I'm sorry.
Made a mess.

It's not my fault!

♪

They could get more
comfortable chairs.

Joe had to call me tanka.

I get... get bit by my own joke.

♪

Oh, I see something
you guys don't see.

Joe: They could get
more comfortable chairs.

♪

Oh, I see something
you guys don't see.

♪

♪

How the hell did you guys
not laugh at that?

Q: ♪ da da, da-da ♪
you're gonna marry this b*tch!

Hello? Hey, sweetheart.

All right.
Put the wedding planner on.

Put timone on.
Hey, sweetheart.

Hey, timone. How you doing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you just called the
wedding planner "sweetheart."

You said "sweetheart."

Is that your first name?
Sweetheart?

Is your name sweetheart timone?

I just wanted to
point that out there.

All right, sweetheart timone.
How you doing?

- Yeah, timone sweetheart.
- Yeah. All right.

The deejay's name...

Joe is usually the favorite
to win this one. He's out.

And then there were two.

Joe: He put eyebrows on.

Wow. Murray coming in
strong in the end.

Yeah, yeah. Wow. You saved
that for the end move?

Q's not even cracking
the slightest smirk.

Hey, James.

- It's David zucker.
- Oh...

It's David zucker,

director of "airplane!"
And "naked g*n."

Hey, Dave, how are you?

Good. How'd the
eyebrow joke go?

It didn't go well.
No one laughed.

That's because you're not funny.

- Oh, he got q on that!
- Oh, my god!

Murray wins!

Murr: Take care, buddy.
Thank you.

Yeah, love you, buddy.

- Touché. Touché.
- Good job, Murray.

Narrator:
Murr kept a straight face,

sending the other guys
straight to the loser board.

Today, we're in the park
with all the gatto pups.

We'll each take an adorable pup,
go up to a complete stranger,

and ask them to watch
our dog for us.

But we won't be using
their real name.

We'll be giving them
a ridiculous name

and the reason
why we named it that.

Once the stranger
agrees to babysit,

one of us is gonna approach
and ask them about the dog.

And if the stranger doesn't
repeat the ridiculous name

and the reason, you lose.

They're all named for pastries.

♪

Joe: There's tartufo and murr,
my two favorite b*tches.

Fellas, I'm gonna run
to the men's room real quick.

Do you mind just...
I'm gonna put my dog here.

- Yeah.
- Just keep an eye on him.

Make sure nobody steals him.
You know what I mean?

- Okay.
- The dog's name is charity.

- Her name is charity.
- Charity.

'Cause it's a waste
of time and money.

Yeah, her name is charity.

I named her that because,
you know, like charity,

she's a waste of time and money.

Stay there, charity, okay?

♪

Oh, whose dog? Cool.
Hi, pooch.

Your dog for a couple minutes?
Hi. Hi.

What's her name?

- Charity?
- Yeah.

Why charity?

Come on, come on.

I guess 'cause, uh, she's a
total waste of time and money.

Ohh! Wow!

Q: Gonna go with
the leader of the pack.

Where you from?

- France? Oh, nice.
- Yes.

"I got to do a wee-wee."

I actually have to
make a wee-wee.

Do you mind watching
the dog while I go

to the restroom real quick?
You hold the dog?

You like dogs, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, just two seconds. Thanks.
- Her name's quinoa.

"I use her to hit on
foreign white girls."

Her name is quinoa,

'cause I use her to hit
on foreign white girls.

They all love the quinoa,
you know?

Quinoa, you stay, okay?
I'll be right back.

I'll be two seconds.
It's right there.

- All right. Go get 'em, bud.
- Here we go.

What a cute pup.
Is that your pup?

Oh, he's so cute.
Hello.

It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.

What's her name?

- Quinoa?
- Oh, part one, part one.

Did the owner say
why he named it quinoa?

Come on. Come on, frenchies.
Help me out.

- Oh, you don't understand why.
- Oh, you don't understand.

If it were my dog,

I would use it to hit
on foreign white chicks.

That's just me.

Joe: Damn. Damn.

Where the is his eye?

Is this your dog?
It's got no eye.

- It's got one eye.
- One eye.

This dog's gonna let me
carry it?

- Yeah, absolutely.
- I can't take...

- - a couple things.
- No pissing and on me.

- No, no, it already did that.
- Got him?

Oh, it's like a hot fur bag.

Q:
It does look adorable.

What I'm seeing is adorable.

Yeah, cannoli missed
you, too, so...

- What?
- Cannoli missed you.

I got five dogs.

You son of a b*tch.

There he is,
a family man of dogs.

Cannoli, please.
Just come with us.

Joe: This is you in
a dog version. Flat feet,
slightly overweight.

And you're being carried
by your friends.

Whoo!
Hot, hot, hot, right?

Hot. All right.

This guy here.

His name's humidity.

This guy's name's humidity.

"'Cause I
hate him."

'Cause I hate it.

- My baby over here...
- Her name's b*llet...

Her name is b*llet...

"in tribute to the way
I put her mother down."

You know, I got to...

♪

- My baby over here...
- Her name's b*llet...

Her name is b*llet...

"in tribute to the way
I put her mother down."

It's a tribute to the way
we put her mother down.

Boom. One shot, straight
to the middle of the eyes.

I'm telling you guys, I don't
even have to go out there.

You see that brick
building right there?

That's a restroom.

I don't want to take
this guy in there.

Do you want...
Oh, how you doing?

Yeah, yeah, that's... okay. Why
don't I just move right here?

- Put him right on her.
- What was your name, sir?

- David.
- David, okay.

I'll give David b*llet.
b*llet.

- And what's your name, dear?
- Carmen.

- Carmen?
- Give me the baby.

Carmen, Carmen,
I'll give you humidity.

I'm gonna run to the bathroom.
I'll be back in 30 seconds.

- It's okay, honey. It's okay.
- 30 seconds, dear.

Thanks.
- All right, I'm in.

Oh. Oh!

Cannoli's getting friendly!

Oh, what, do they have
a play date, these guys?

What, do they got a play date?

What's his name?

Ohh!

You know it, Dave!
You know it, Dave!

Do you know the name
of this dog?

- Uh... he said humidity.
- Humidity?!

I wonder why.
Why humidity?

I don't know.
He says he hates it.

- One! One! One!
- What is his name?

- b*llet.
- b*llet?

- How come?
- Oh, why b*llet?

Why would somebody
name a dog b*llet?

Yes! Ohh!

Joe: There he is,
the man with spumoni.

Look. My arms are covered
in dog hair.

You can smell it, too.
Yeah.

I smell, my arms are
covered in dog hair.

- Ohh.
- You got zeppole'd.

What is the stuff that's not
hair that's all over me?

sh*t. He shits himself
all the time.

- Yep, that's...
- Oh, my god. That is sh*t.

Yeah, that's where he was...
His was, right?

That's little crumbs.

You got some zeppole
dingleberries right up on you.

a*s-crumbs?

Yeah.

That's great.
Actually, you know what?

Would you mind
if I run to the bathroom?

Would you mind babysitting
him for a one second?

Cool. This is...

Ball-less Chris.

This is ball-less Chris.
Ball-less Chris.

I tell him that so he remembers
that I took his ba*ls from him.

I call him that so
that he always knows

that I'm the one
who took his ba*ls.

I'm in charge.

So he knows that
I'm the pack leader,

'cause I still got my ba*ls.

Ball-less Chris does not.

All right. I'll be right back.
Thank you.

Murr: Sal is going in.

♪

Q: This guy...
This guy's my guy.

He loved the name.

Sal: Cute dog.

Ahh!

He yelled ball-less Chris
to you!

Ball-less? All right.
You... you've been told?

- He told you?
- I didn't check.

It's a girl.
It's a girl!

- I like your puppy!
- You do?

Ball-less Chris.

Why is he ball-less Chris?

Be good, brother.

Q: Hey, man, thank you.

This is a... this is a female?

So what the did I cut off?

Narrator:
Joe barked up the wrong tree,

so he's tonight's big loser.

- Whoo!
- Joe is today's loser!

- Oh, me?
- Yes.

We are about to
head into MLB studios

where you have just been
hired for a new position.

W-What's the job?

Ah, producer, whatever.

You'll fit right in.

Murr: We're here at
MLB network studios.

Joey's playing a producer
on an actual show co-hosted

by Carlos peña and Mark derosa.

Carlos and Mark
are taking the viewer

through just some basic
baseball tips and tricks.

Hey. Joe.
Good to see you.

Derosa and peña
are the only ones

who don't know
what's going on here.

3, 2, 1.

Hey, Mark derosa here.
Carlos peña, as well.

We're inside studio 42.

Murr: All right, Joe,
for your punishment,

you just got to
keep doing pushups

while they're trying
to make the show.

It's over when you hit 100.

You mean when I'm dead?

- It's that simple.
- That's it, man.

Sal: But we want you to do
some of it on camera.

Wander back there
while they're talking.

- Keep going. Keep going.
- It's gonna go...

He's right in the shot!

- There he goes.
- There he goes!

♪

Away right there.

Murr: They're not
even noticing.

As long as my hands
are taking that path

to the inside half
of the baseball...

He's doing more than
I thought he would do.

- Good form, Joey.
- He's zoned in.

His body is awakened
like never before.

His blood coursing
through his veins.

- Yeah, but they're slowing down.
- Oh, my god. Push!

Normally, it'd be easy to
just stay back and hold.

Uh-oh. Now he's looking.
He's looking.

♪

Murr: Punishment's over when
you do 100 push-ups, bud.

It's easy to just
stay back and hold.

- He's looking.
- He definitely noticed.

Q: Wow. 28, Joe.
That's pretty good.

Only 72 more to go, pal.

Joe:
I'm gonna throw up.

- You just started.
- You can't have that much rest.

Get back in there right now.

Hands, you run out of length,
here comes the barrel.

- I'm impressed.
- Yeah.

Murr: He hasn't done
anything in years.

His heart is at like
400 beats a minute right now.

It's like a hamster's heart
right now,

just trying to keep up.

It's 46.

46. He's got 54 to go.

Great job, guys.
Really good.

- He's out of breath.
- Joe, bang out five right now.

You want us to be shorter
with that, or...?

No, I mean, the more you say
is the better, actually.

Why are you getting push-ups in?

It's just a regimen I'm doing.

- How many you got to get in?
- 100.

Peña: What freaked me out
is I looked back, I'm like...

You stayed locked in.

Joe: All right, boys.
Let's get back into it.

- Is he serious?
- Do more right now, right now.

He wasn't in the shot?

You're getting
a really narrow shot?

He's in the shot! Like...

No, no, like, seriously, bro?

Like... like...

Dude, he's in the shot, bro!
He's in the shot.

- I'm in the shot?
- He's in the shot.

Joe: My bad.

I was saying something
important, dude.

All right, let's go.
Let's finish this.

Oh, my god. They're laughing,
and now they're getting annoyed.

Come on. You played
in front of 50,000.

Eliminate the noise.
- All right, all right.

- -Let's focus up.
- Joe's face.

Sal: You looked like
you aged 10 years.

Joe, go to deep center field
and start doing them.

- -Yeah.
- -There he goes.

♪

He looks like he washed ashore.

Yes, yeah, that's what you...
I didn't recognize that.

- - Did you? Did you?
- -

did he just grunt, bro?
Like...

W-Why is he doing that, bro?
Like...

- I'm not on camera!
- Let's go somewhere else, dude.

Derosa: Lock it in.
They'll edit him out.

Dude, that was horrible.

He's on the brink.

I was a staunch believer
in one of the ways

you could help a teammate out

is getting him a ribby that he
didn't think he was gonna get.

Take the inside...

Q: Oh, my god, push!

Murr: Joe! Come on!

Was scared to death
of a pitcher picking off.

I really wa...

Peña: You need cpr
or something?

- He looks like a broken man.
- He is a broken man.

♪

86. Is that
what you asked?

Joe, get in behind
the green wall.

All right, we're gonna
lock in on a little bit

of baserunning right here.

So, it was here for me.
One, two, and an adjustment.

I wanted to be able to get to
the back part of this base

with a step and a dive.

Mark, right here,
I mean... were you...

Why is half his Bo...

You got to be kidding me
with this freaking guy, man.

- Seriously.
- Am I in frame?

- Are you serious, bro?
- Ohh! He's pissed off!

Stay back there and do
your freakin' push-ups, man.

Where would I do it
that would not mess you up?

Behind the camera.

I was doing them in the middle,
here, and it stopped you guys

'cause I let a little grunt out.

Oh, my god!

Joey, there's a coach
coming your way. He's
gonna help you out.

- No, we're talking about...
- Sal's dad!

He's gonna go in there and be
very, very disappointed at Joe.

You're embarrassing me, Joe.

We got another dude that just
comes here and starts talking.

- Who are these people, dude?
- No idea.

I'm his friend's dad.
I'm over here.

Yeah, it's my friend's father.

How does your friend's
father show up mid...

I know. You would think
it's a whole thing.

Show him how to do it.
I'm kind of off the air.

So, I get locked in.

There we go.
Everybody's doing it.

♪

The broadcast has stopped!

Come on.
Keep the midsection up, Joe.

Get them doughnuts up. Come on.
- Oh, he almost!

Joe: My arms won't even
work anymore at this point.

- Terrible, Joe. Terrible.
- Who is this...

One more, Joey!
One more, and you're done!

- I need one more!
- One more!

- Come on, gene. Help me out.
- "Come on, gene."

Get in the slanted position.

No, no, no. No, no.
You're on your arms.
Get in the plank position.

My arms aren't working anymore.

- He's got muscle failure.
- Joe. Joe!

- Get your butt up, dude!
- I'm trying.

- Come on. Come on.
- Come on, Joey! Come on!

- Go, go, go, go!
- That's it. Get up!

Get up!!

That's unreal.
I am so disappointed.

I'm gonna call it.
I'm gonna call it.

Come on, Joey! Come on!
One more, one more, one more.

Oh, no.

Does that guy even
work here? Security!

Seriously.
Come on, dude.

This guy came in
and ruined our thing.

He needs cpr back there
or something?

Then his friend's dad
just randomly shows up.

And then they just walk
in through the door

like that when you're talking.

One more!
He did the last one!

- He did the last one!
- Yeah!

- 100.
- Oh, my god!

You take that back
to your mama, bro.

Murr: Good job, Joey.
You lived to see another day.

♪

All right, well,
Joe struck out tonight,

so now you get
a look behind the plate

and bonus features
from tonight's episode.

My man, how you feeling?

I had about three heart attacks.

- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go die now.

Oh, wait.
Can you just give them...

Oh, give bonus footage.
In memoriam, bonus footage.

And maybe a flex for the camera?

A push-up is such a testament.

Q: What's a not-embarrassing
number in one clip?

I think I could do probably 30.

- 30?
- Yeah, you're very light.

You want to try?

I mean, the camera's
aren't rolling, right?

- I'll see how many I can do.
- Oh, don't get Murray in here.

Casey: Okay, here we go.

♪

41... 43...

- All right.
- More than I thought.

Every single day,
our show is filming at...

Sal: Certainly this is one of
the coolest sets we've been on.

- The kid in me is like...
- Right?

- The adult in me is like...
- Yeah.

The senior citizen
in me is like...

Q: They have a baseball
diamond indoors.

They built an indoor diamond.

I want every birthday party
I have from now no

to be at this place.
Yeah.

You'd be the most
popular kid in school.

I would, finally.
- Does this work?

- It does.
- Great.

Sal: Look at his
stupid face.

What started out as
an unfortunate genetic birth

has been a gift in adult life.

You really monetized
those genes.

I hit home runs with that.

However many you guys...

If you're gonna go down...

Yeah, give me
a full-blown push-up.

Out of curiosity, how
many push-ups could you
guys do, though?

- 50.
- 50.

50, right?
That's impressive.

I'd probably fail out around 30.

- Dude, it's tough.
- It is tough.

But, I mean, you're getting it.

Like...

Dude, we can go in after this.
I'm going to the gym.

I work for a living. I can't
just spend all day at the gym.

I got to try to...

He's also core-heavy.
You know what I mean?

Right. It's a lot
of middle weight.

Oh, I think I know
what you mean.

Peña: Look how... that is
freakin' horrible form, anyway.

Derosa: I was gonna say.

Like, you're gonna break
your back doing that.

Go for the closed grip.
Get in here. Get in tight.

Oh, the closed grip's easier.

It looks like you're doing
the worm, like break-dancing.

He was in every single shot.

Joe: All right, guys.
Hi. My name's Joe.

I'm from a TV show called
"impractical jokers."

This is a punishment
right now for me.

I had to ruin the sh**t
and do 100 push-ups.

- Dude, I'm sorry!
- You did great.

- You did great.
- I'm sorry, dude!

♪

Joe: Tartufo is my
most energetic dog,

and Murray's
my most energetic friend.

Sal: Tartufo is the ice cream
that's covered in chocolate?

Yeah. What's your favorite
dessert? Don't tell me.

Don't tell me. I know it.
Tres leches.

- That's 100% correct.
- I know.

Nothing can beat a tres leches,
if done correctly.

There's version of making it.
- Yeah.

There's like the American
version and the Spanish version.

You got to get the Spanish.
You need authenticity.

You like a nice, dense,
evaporated milk there.

That's one of the tres.

I got too much going on.

I'll tell you a nice,
little secret.

Can I tell you
a little life hack?

Yeah, go ahead.
Shaved coconut.

No. You pour a little bit
of half-and-half on it.

Make it a quadruple leches.

Oh. A quad leches?

You control the amount
of leches.

I love you two so much.
I just do.

You're making me happy
with your nonsense.