07x22 - Autograph Corrector

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, why isn't
sal feeling bootylicious?

My butt's too long.

What's got murr falling hard?

What are you doing
for the rest of your life?

- Yeah!

And which losing joker will
be brought to his knees

in tonight's punishment?

- Punk-a*s b*tch!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: Great Caesar's ghost.

Today, we'll be
in a waiting room

taking turns filling out
a questionnaire.

But we're not gonna be able
to write the answers ourselves

'cause our hands... ooh!
They're all jacked up.

So, we'll have to get
a stranger in the waiting room

to help us fill out
the questionnaire.

The catch is,
the answers have been prepared

by the other guys.

You can't say all those answers,
you lose.

I'm guessing they're gonna
be bad answers.

♪

Q: Joe, what are you doing,
reading it? Go.

Did he die?

You look... you look very still.

Like one day we're gonna
find you like that.

Tonight, on the series finale,

Joe gets the ultimate
thumbs-down.

Da-na-na-na.

I'm trying to figure out
how the hell

I'm gonna fill this thing out
with the...

Would you like me to help you?

Oh, if you don't mind,
that'd be great.

Thank you, yeah.
My name is Joe.

"Never share food
with a ginger."

The number one that comes is,

"never share food
with a ginger."

You know, a red-head.

Yeah, yeah.
That's old-school Italian.

"Teens
and their crazy bodies."

At this point,
it's definitely teens

and their crazy bodies.

What?
Teens, yeah.

What?

What?

If you could be any animal,
what would you be and why?

- Easy.
- "A chimpanzee."

This would...
I'd be a chimpanzee.

Why?
"Because if it goes south,

I could always just rip
someone's arm off."

Because if it goes south...
Mm-hmm.

I could just rip
somebody's arms off.

Gonna de-limb someone.

If you could be any...
Oh, again?

I just answered that.

Joe, say,
"this is going south."

This is going south.

"Oh, the night stinks."

Uh, hmm.

Hands down, night stinks.

I don't know what that is.

"I don't know
what that is."

Every culture calls it
by their own thing.

You speak Spanish?
El night stinks?

I appreciate that.
Is that all?
No problem.

Yours was very, very,
very weird.

Uh-oh.
Day stinks.

Q: There he is.

Joe: My favorite part
of this bit is about to happen,

where you have to reel them in
with the broken arm.

"Oh, I can't even
get the arm up."

Could you help me pop that open
just a...

Oh, sure.
Thank you.

Nice, sal, very good.
I appreciate that.

Already back to his magazine.

There you go. That's great.
Get right in his face with it.

This is proving challenging.

Still nothing.
He doesn't care at all, dude.

I can't even do it.
Can you fill this out for me?

Sure.
Thank you so much.

Ethnicity.

I'm sorry, ethnicity?

"100% straight dude,
never doubted it."

100% straight dude,
never even doubted it.

"My butt's too long."

My butt's too long.

Joe: It's like
8 inches.

It's like 8 inches,
you can write.

"Soft."

Soft.

You could write "my butt is
8 inches long soft."

- I got it.
- Soft.

8 inches soft.

Three wishes.

My three wishes,
if I had three wishes.

"Ability to fly."

The ability to fly,
without a doubt.

- "Two..."
- number two...

"i go to long island."

I...

I go to long island.

Go to long island?

Definitely.

Joe: "And then three..."
Number three is...

"I go to
long island again."

Three, without a doubt, i-i, uh,
go to long island again.

Briefly describe
your bedtime routine.

- Bedtime?
- "Practice my magic."

Ooh, probably practice
my magic, probably.

- "Take a dump."
- Take a dump.

Take a dump.

I make something disappear,

and then I make
something appear.

"Eat my medicine."

And then eat my medicine.

"Say hey to baby Jesus."

And then say hey to baby Jesus.

Say a prayer.

"I don't pray since my butt...
Since my butt issue."

I-I'll never pray to a god
since my butt issues.

No god would give me
an 8-inch long butt soft.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- There you go.
- Well done.

- Good man.
- My left I write with.

Oh, okay.

♪

Joe: Oh, here he goes.
Here he goes.

Oh, it's so hard.
How I do this with my hand?

♪

Do you want help with something?

Oh, my god, would you mind?

I-I... thank you so much.

- Found the good people.
- Good person.

"Boom!
Belong by Celine Dion."

Oh! Boom!
Belong by Celine Dion.

Yeah, it's her...
It's her parfoam.

Mm-hmm, good.

All right. So complete
the following phrase...

"Melt ham."

Oh, melt ham.

Melt ham.

- Yeah.
- "So I could drink it."

So I could drink it.

Yeah, I'd love
to drink ham, man.

Cool.

Greatest moment of my life.

"Oh, that's easy.

I-I won the 2015
avn performer of the year."

Uh...
Oh, that's easy.

I won the 2015
avn performer of the year.

- Oh, cool.
- Yeah.

That's the porn industry's,
uh...

Adult video network?
Grammys or emmys.

What is that,
if you don't mind me giving...

Giving me background...
Joe: There you go!

Yeah, it's, uh...
It's, uh...

Well, there's no way around
this, I guess.

It's, uh...
It's adult video news.

I only did it for,
like, six months,

but I did, like, 220 movies.

In six months?

And define true love.

Define true love.

"Oh. Obedience."

Oh, I can't take it.
Oh!

That's...

Just that one word.

♪

And define true love.

Define true love.

"Oh. Obedience."
Oh, I can't take it.

Oh!

That's...

Just that one word.

I, uh...
Well, my wife and I...

You know, we like to toss back
some popcorn, and...

Watch a movie
and stuff like that.

Fall asleep in bed.

You were so close, q.

So close, bud.

Oh, that's great.

- -There you go.
- -

geez.

♪

- Hey, all right.
- There you go.

- That's a good samaritan.
- I had to beg my guy.

Sal: You're half.

Ethnicity, put, um...
Put "half."

Okay. Half what?

Just the word "half."
Just half.

All right, a man who beats
to his own drum.

If you could be an animal...

If I could be animal,
what would I be?

- "A horse."
- A horse.

- "Noble..."
- noble...

- "Majestic..."
- majestic.

"Hung..."
what is the best
smell in...

I'm not done with
the horse question.

Oh, okay. It's just...

It's just one question.

He's still going.

Okay.
Noble, majestic, hung.

- You know...
- Okay.

"The breath of
a very tall woman."

I-I mean, it's got to be
the breath of...

It's got to be the breath
of a very tall woman.

Okay.

"I once bulled my way
out of a hit and run."

Joe: Oh, my god.

I once, um...

- Yeah, you can't say that.
- I-I wanted to say it so badly.

I once bulled my way
out of a hit and run.

Okay, I don't...

Do you really want me
to write that?

Okay.

Oh, good question.

"I met a stripper
a few years back,

and I always wondered
what would've happened

if I gave her that 500 bucks
to go to the back room."

You know what?

Oh, my god.
He's over us.

A few years back...

James, you need to be
concise for me.

Yes!

- I'm sorry.
- So I can write this.

- Be concise.
- You know what?

I'll fill out the rest myself.
I appreciate it.

Narrator: Time heals all wounds,

but that won't keep q and murr
off the loser board.

Today, we're rom-coming it up
at fort Greene park.

The goal is to fall in love.

If you can't find love,
you lose.

Oh, I think I just fell in love.

We planned that,
but nobody knew that

was gonna happen.
Nobody saw that happening.

My ear is actually ringing.

♪

Dial in the inner sexy that
you got going there.

I haven't turned it off.
Does it look otherwise?

It seems like you turned it off

somewhere around
the end of season 5.

- Season 4!

- All right, sal.
- All right, sal.

The first person that walks by

is the new love
of your life, pal.

And then they have
to fall in love back

or you lose.

Oh.

- Oh. Oh! Oh, oh!
- All right, I got it, I got it.

She's not helping at all!

Oh, my gosh.

What type of a?

I would never fall in love
with her.

She basically was just like,
"oh, I'm so sorry

about what happened to you,
but...

Good luck with your life."

Murr: Here we go, sal.

- Oh, no.
- Oh.

Joe: The first person
that tried to help!

Sorry.

Ready?
Fall in love!

Yeah, I, uh...

I don't know if you're
feeling it but...

I-i-I'd love to be with you.

Oh!

I mean, I...

How often does something
like this happen?

Uh...

I guess...
Oh, okay.

Thank you.
All right.

Well...

Thank you.

All right, then.

Maybe another time.

Yeah.

All right.

Joe: A lonely man with produce.

- Here we go.
- Here you go, murr.

Oh, my god!

My goodness!

You're such a good samaritan.

Fall in love!

What are you doing
for the rest of your life?

Nothing right now?

Would you like
to spend it with me?

Your life.

- -Yes, I'm asking.
- -

how about we start with a date?

This weekend?

But I'd like to get to know you.
May I?

How about Saturday?

How about Sunday?
Sunday?

My name's James.

Ana?

Another one?

You're the best.

Sunday? Monday?
Tuesday?

Wednesday? Thursday?

Any day.

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Are you okay?

You know what it is...
I've never...

I've never been struck
before by...

by cupid's arrow, and...

And here it is in front of me,
and I don't want to let it go.

W-W-Would... wait.

All right!
I'll take the phone number!

Oh, my god.
If he gets a number,

we got to give it to him.
Yes.

29...

He found love in a park!

- Bye-bye.
- Good job, Murray.

Murr, we got to give it
to you, buddy.

Yes!

♪

- Here we go, Joey.
- Here we go.

Oh, son of a...

- Oh, no!
- Oh, no, no.

- Oh, Joe!
- Very nice.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

- I appreciate that.
- All right, Joe.

Murr: Ready?
And fall in love!

Hey.

Oh, son of a...

- Oh, no!
- Oh, no, no.

- Oh, Joe!
- Very nice.

Thank you.
I appreciate that.

- I appreciate that.
- Ready?

Murr: And fall in love!

Hey.

What's up?
What's up with you?

I mean, you feel it too, right?
Should we explore this?

This here.
I mean...

Cupid's... cupid's arrow.

No?
How old are you?

Oh, under 18.
Okay.

Oh, my god!

All right, bud.
Bye.

We'll see you later.

Oh, my god.

You weirdo!

Got the fumblies with bags.

- Oh.
- Oh, no!

- Come on, man!
- Uh oh!

Aw.

Q: Oh.
There you go, Joe.

Thank you.

Fall in love.
Fall in love!

- Thanks so much.

Oh, wow.

Where are you...

Q:
Oh, my god.

What's up with me
and the minors?

You know what... just
give me the thumbs-down.

Creepy fat guy out here.

Joe takes a loss
for legal reasons.

Oh, hi, what's up?
Hi, guys.

Get out of there!

I might as well.
I might as well.

Murr: All right, q.

Have we been getting
swarmed by gnats

in the last, like, 20 minutes?

What the is going on?

Out of nowhere,
I'm getting bit every,

like, one minute.

Can we get deet?

I need deep woods deet!

Oh! Oh! Oh.

- Oh, buddy!
- Oh, look at this.

Thank you so much.

Oh.

Ready, q, and...
Fall in love!

Great Caesar's ghost.

- Hi.
- Hi!

Are you with him?

Oh.

Engaged?

Anything we could
do about that?
No.

How do you feel about polygamy?

You're a lucky man, sir!

- Oh, no, q!

Narrator: Love was a b*ttlefield
for Joe, sal, and q,

making q tonight's big loser.

All right!
Q is our loser.

And you might notice
right over there

is the holy grail,
yankee stadium.

Why are we here, you ask?

Because across the street today
at Billy's sports bar,

the legendary tino Martinez,
former yankee,

is doing an autograph signing.

- Tino?
- Yes.

You know what you got
to do, bud?

Ruin some autographs.

- Oh, get out of here!
- Fans are gonna love you.

No way!
He's a legendary yankee.

- I love it.
- And you're a legendary loser.

Yeah.

♪

Sal: Look at him.
He's magnificent.

Tino is a personal hero of ours,
and we're from New York.

- Yep.
- This was our era.

I'm a fan, man.
Could you sign that?

This is his punishment, tino.
Don't do it.

I can't do it.

You're a champion.

Those are three losers.

You're the loser here.

How am I getting my ba*ls busted
by tino?

Hello.
How are you, sir?

My pleasure.
Nice meeting you.

Murr:
It's pretty simple, q.

You just got to ruin
every autograph.

Oh, my god.
Oh, boy.

Tino: Oh, thank you very much.
Appreciate you coming.

Aw, this is a mega-fan.

How was he?

Yeah?
'Cause I work here,

they won't let me go over there
and say hello to him.

What'd he give you?

That's for your kid...
That's your kid's name?

All right, q.
Crease that photo.

Oh, so your son's name
is Caleb?
Yep.

- -And then what'd you get?
- - Oh, no.

Joe: Oh, man.

Oh, so your son's name
is Caleb?
Yep.

Crease that photo.

Oh, man.
That's...

Hey, hey, hey!
You folded it in half on me.

Oh, my god!

Oh! Yeah.
Oh, my bad.

Here you go, bud.
Tino!

Pleasure meeting you.
How you doing?

All right.

Oh, my god, man.

Murr: So, q doesn't know this,
but we're gonna replace

all the items he ruins.

You're welcome, my pleasure.
Nice meeting you.

Q, I want you to take a look at
the guy's photo on his phone.

Oh.

Hey, how was he?
Great.

Oh, my god, they won't
let me meet him

because I'm working.

- What'd you get signed?
- Q, take his phone.

Take a look at the photo.

Let me see the picture.
How'd it come out?

Oh, that is cool.

Now hit delete.

Oh, man.

What happened?
I deleted it?

No, it's...
Did I?

Oof.

So, how you feeling, buddy?

My hand is shaking.

- Thank you so much.
- All right, you're welcome.

Woman: Thank you,
pleasure.

Murr: Here you go, q!

How was he?
How was he?

- He's awesome!
- Was he?

What'd he sign for you?

- Oh, my god.
- Oh! What'd he do?

-He's doing autographs
-yes! He signed this for us!

You know how excited I am?

He's my favorite player
of all time!

Distract and fold!

You know how many games
I got drunk here before that?

You know how many games...
Oh, my god!

That was an aggressive fold!
Oh, my god! I'm sorry!

Oh! I'll fix it.

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Don't fix it!

Ow! Okay.
All right, okay.

Sal: Crumple it!

Q: Oh, god,
no. No!

What is going on?
This isn't real.

Murr: Don't mess with
the New York women.

I've never a person react

the way that those two women
reacted.

- That was crazy.
- That is a fun-loving gal.

- Big fan.
- Thank you.

Thanks so much.

Sal: Ah, here we go.
You got three dudes.

Look at q.
Look at him, look at him!

How was he?

- Nice.
- Awesome.

- Is he?
- Look at the shirt.

- Oh, here we go.
- "Let me see that picture."

Hey, how you doing?
What do you got?

What did he write?
To someone?

Sign it, sign it!

- Nice to meet you, man.
- That's cool.

Joe: Oh, my god!

No, no, no!
Why did you write on that?

Oh, I thought you asked me
to sign it.

Huh?
It's for my niece, bro.

I thought you said
"sign it."

- Ohh!
- Oh! There it is.

Ugh...

- Okay, thank you very much.
- Thank you.

Appreciate you coming.
Enjoy your time here.

- Thank you.
- Here you go, q.

Guys, come on.

Come on, guys.

We need one more.

- How was he?
- Just a gentleman.

- Was he nice?
- A real nice gentleman.

Oh. Look at that.

Now I got to figure out
how to get this to...

Back to my hotel.

Oh, you want it back
to your hotel?

Yeah, that's gonna turn
into a paper airplane

and go off the side.
Oh, no!

I can... I can get it there.

If you want, I could.

Yeah, see if he's got
an envelope.

- Yeah.
- I'll hold it for you.

Okay.

- Okay!
- Ohhhhhhh!

Murr: Fold it into
a paper airplane, buddy!

Go, quick, quick!
Quick, q, quick!

Oh, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

I'm gonna get it back
to your hotel for you.

Oh, no, no, no!

Watch.

That's going right back
to your hotel.

So you have to go over there
and get me a picture.

Wish I could.
Believe me, I wish I could.

But, uh, Joe, and murr,
and sal, they...

They're kind of being
ball-busters about this one.

Don't worry about that woman.

She's about to get
a signed photo

and a ticket
to tonight's game.
Yeah.

This is horrible.

Q! You're
a punk-a*s b*tch!

That's your hero calling you
a punk-a*s b*tch!

I know!

♪

All right, q had to destroy
people's autographs,

and he destroyed his friendship
with tino Martinez,

unfortunately.

But you get
a behind-the-scenes look

at how it happened
in bonus footage

from tonight's episode.

Play ball?
Shut up.

Casey: Explain how
you guys met, though.

Tino: About three years ago
in Las Vegas,

at Derek jeter's
turn 2 foundation,

my kids watch the show,
and kids love it.

Oh, and you must
have melted.
Yeah.

Oh, I don't know if we played it
cool because I don't know...

We probably melted
in front of you right away.

No, no, it was great.
When you walked away, we...

I had...

We were like,
"oh, my god!"

They actually video
taped the hello

to my daughters at home
and my son.

Oh, that was hysterical,

because we actually cursed
and everything.

- Yeah, it was great.
- Yeah.

Casey: Anything
about this pun?

Murr: Uh, this is gonna
be a tense one,

'cause we're in the Bronx.

You know,
new yorkers come on strong.

They have strong opinions.

So, this could be the end of q.

'Cause he's an a*s, that's why.

You know, when you're ruining
somebody's signature,

they waited in line for this.

- -Well, someone didn't flush!
- I didn't do it!

I just don't know how
they're gonna react.

Remember, these...
Sal: What is the issue?

I don't know what the issue is.
I told you.

I-I... yeah, we need
to get done now.

Now is when I said to do it!

But you didn't tell me
anything!
Oh!

- - Did you e-mail me?
- You can go straight up and yourself!

But tino is just the nicest
gentleman in the world.

I'm a fan, man.
How could you do this to me?

I paid to see you.

I had season tickets.

I'm a legend, man.
I'm a legend.

This is like
a triple-layer punishment.

Murr: I know.

You've been drunk in
this bar before.

I got thrown out of here once,
actually.

Murr: Here you go.

Tino: Wow, uh...

"You want me to put my resume
on this thing?"

Should I put my resume
on this thing?

"Proficient
in Microsoft word."

Proficient in Microsoft word?

Joe: Oh, she's cute.

Please let me skip this one.

Sal: No, no, no,
you got to grab that
little girl's stuff.

No, no, no!
No, you don't!

No, you don't have a father!
What are you doing?

Send them home!
Right that way.

Go home!
Go home!

Trust me,
you'll thank me one day

when you have a little bambina.

What'd he give you?
What'd he give you?

That's cool.

Really?

Q, we need you to tear that
in half.

Oh.
Oh, come on.

Oh, you're so nice.

Oh, yeah. Oh, cool.

Thank you.

I'm a mets fan.

♪

Just write "to q" real quick.

Real quick,
before they hear you.

Before they hear!
To q!

- No, no, no!
- No, no, no, no!

- "To q."
- You got it.

He's too nice.
Rip that in half.

♪

Sal: "I have
a tattoo on my tit

that's got my mom's name
spelled wrong."

Oh, i-I'd get rid of the...

I'd get rid of the tattoo
on my tit

that has my mom's name
spelled wrong.

This is... this is just
for a credit for you.

My mom's name is Jerry.

"They tatted my tit up
with Phillip."

They tatted my tit up
with Phillip.

"The guy was jabbing my tit,

and I noticed halfway through
at "Phil."

I just let him finish.

He was just jabbing at the tit,
and halfway through,

it was... he puts "Phil,"

and it wasn't all the way
to "Phillip,"

and I was like...

It was too late at that point.