07x24 - Hell on Wheels

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up, what's got
murr crunching numbers?

One, two, three, four, five!

Why is Joe showing q the door?

And which losing joker

will stink in the rink
in tonight's punishment?

All: Oh!

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Sal:
Them's the rules.

Today, we're working
as physical therapists

at Gotham
physical therapy.
While working
with patients,

we'll have to do and say
what the other guys tell us.

If you refuse, you lose.

♪

Joe: All right, murr.
Here you go.

Excuse me, mister.

Oh, my god.
I'm sorry.

You scared the hell out of me!

So, we have
an assortment of bands.

Have you ever used these before
in a gym?

Q: Murr, just start
tying bands on her.

Tie her to something
in the room.

Now, let me tie this.

Slides right up.
Now try that.

Right leg back.

Count to five,
and as you're counting,

end up yelling "five."

Now, try going
all the way back like this

and hold for one, two,
three, four, five!

Q:
Again, again.

One, two, three, four, five!

Just reset and, like,
take a breath and look at her.

"I'm not boring,
am I?"
I'm not boring,
am I?

"So if you broke up with me
last night,

if you told me I was boring,

you would just be being mean,
right?"

If you had broken up with me
last night, for example,

it wouldn't be
because I was boring, right?

It's not that.

I got broken up with last night.
She said I was boring.

"Boring and bald."

Boring and...

Q:
Go ahead and say it.

She called me boring and bald.
Isn't that weird?

I'm not bald, am I?

No.

Oh, my god.
This girl's amazing.

Just hang on one second.
Where you from?

Oh, cool.

"I used to date a girl
from Westchester."

I, uh, my first girlfriend
was from Westchester.

Good.

"Typical Westchester girl."

You know...
Q: Ooh!

Sal: No!

We broke up.

Joe, I just want you
to be making a weird sound

in the phone.

Mimic a 56k modem.

Here he goes.

Q: He's in
the wrong chair.

He's in the wrong chair.

I like him better
in the other chair, bud.

Right back to the other one.

Okay, bye.

What's your name?
Clinton.

Clinton, Joe.
Good to see you.

Um, for work,
do you sit at a desk?

I would prefer to sit at a desk.

"Clinton,
can I ask you a question?"

Clinton,
lemme ask you a question.

Gesture to his leg.

"Were you attacked by a wolf
on the way in?"

Were you attacked by a wolf
on the way in?

Shut up!
This is my style.

I love it.
I love it.

I'm just saying,
I could never pull that off.

Q: All right, throw the ball
against the wall!

Okay, so now let this hang
at your side.

Keep the arm straight
and come all the way up.

No, keep your arm straight.

Don't bend it here.
Do it like this.

Get... get annoyed.

I just want you to do this.

Don't bend your elbow.
Oh! Okay.

Yeah, all right.

All right, sorry.
You ready?
Yeah.

Don't bend your elbow.
I'm not trying to.

Okay, well...
okay,
gimme the little one.

Just try the three-pound.
Try the three-pound.

Joe, now you bend your arm.
Do it wrong!

Don't bend it, okay?

That's bending it.

Clinton, do you think the wolf
followed you here?

Okay.

Joe:
That's a deep v.

It's a capital v.

You know what ladies love...

Middle-age, out-of-shape guys
with deep-v showing.

Here you go.

Hey, I'm Brian.
How you doing?
Good, hello.

Do you have any problems, any...
Anything that you're...

Oh, wow, that's cool.
Okay.

Okay, uh, why don't you have
a seat right there.

We'll just check out
your range of motion.

Yeah, at your age, you shouldn't
even have any problems.

"I mean, look, we're all
gonna die some day, so..."

I mean, we're all gonna die
one day, so...

When I die, I wanna be
remembered as a healer.

"Not for the old lady whose rib
I accidentally broke."

Not for that old lady
whose rib I accidentally broke.

For her.

What sort of props
are you making?

I'm deep into fashion myself.

Yeah.

- Deep-v.

Sal: Q, step right outside
that door,

but stay flush
against the other side

where we actually can see you.

I just gotta run down the hall.

One second, okay?
Chill out, one second.

♪

Come back out of breath.
"I just ran down the hall."

Okay, good. I had to
get something down the hall.

Great.

Murr:
Well-done.

Joe:
All right, sal.

Q: Whoa.

Sal, hold it!
Wait.

Wait till they come in.

Oh.

Hello, Joe?

What's up?
Um, physical therapy...

Have you been before
or not, or...

Okay.

Just text sal right now.

Would you say
that you have good mobility,

uh, all around, or...

Oh, you got a text, sal.

I'm sorry, so sorry.
It's from your wife.

Oh, from my wife.
She made cupcakes tonight.

That's all for now.

We'll get back
to that.
Yeah.

Um, mobility...
Let's talk about lower back.

Murr:
"And roughly..."

And roughly...

"how many inches
is your butt?"

Uh... hmm... what's...

♪

♪

Um, let's talk about lower back.

Murr:
"And roughly..."

And roughly...

"how many inches
is your butt?"

Uh... hmm... what's...

You have a wide frame,
so I feel like,

you know, you're very...

And how many inches is your...
What do I say now?

Murr: "How many inches
is your butt?"

How many inches is your butt?

Cool.

Uh-oh,
another text from the wife?

A neck pain.
Okay, got you.

She made chocolate.

You hate chocolate, sal.
Overreact.

Chocolate cupcakes.

What am I supposed to do?

♪

She knows I can't...
Can't stand chocolate.

I said,
"please don't make chocolate."

It's gonna be a week
of fighting now.

Narrator: Murr couldn't
muscle his way out of this one,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today,
we're near a consumer center,

competing head-to-head as
high-power network executives.

We're gonna be asking a group

to help us pick out a host
for our new television series.

The catch is, the audition tape

and all the audition materials

have been prepared
by the other joker.

If you can't convince the group

that your host is
the best choice for the job,

you lose.

♪

All right, we are talent agents.

We are casting
for a new TV show,

but we do have a host
that we're casting for the show.

And we've narrowed it down
to two potential candidates.

This is the person I'm pitching
for the host... John szeluga.

Here we go.
So, q made this clip for Joe.

Hi, I'm John szeluga,
and, uh, Joe,

I... I appreciate
the opportunity here, man,

but this isn't really what I do.

I know you think I'm good
at this stuff,

but I'm more of
a behind-the-scenes guy.

I get...

Immediately saying,
"I don't wanna host this."

Yeah.

We can talk about this
somewhere else.

I don't wanna do this right now.

How convincing, right?

Yeah, he's portraying
the part that doesn't
wanna be part of it,

which I really enjoyed.

He was believable, though.

He sure got me thinking,

"I don't think
he wanna be in there."

So, this is Megan rico.

Here we have her only scene
from a gritty police procedural

airing on a cable network.

♪

She's dead, mcgulfy Jr.

Are you sure,
Santiago?
She got no pulse.

She looks just like
the last drug mule.

Did she just move her tongue?

She sat in that grungy alley
for six hours,

pretending to be dead...
Never complained once.

That's right.

Okay, well, let's get back
to John szeluga, then.

This one here is...
Is a clip from him

as a high-school jock

finally asking out
the girl of his dreams.

♪

To... to be clear,
I don't wanna be the host.

I'll help you make the tape...
The tape and stuff.

Man: Action.

Hey, Judy.
Hey.

You're really good
at field hockey.

Thanks.

I'm so... I don't feel
comfortable doing this.

I'm not an actor.

Can we get
someone else?
Yeah, can I...

Like,
literally anyone else?
I'd like... please?

Yeah, I just... I wanna
go home, if that's okay.

She was the problem here.

She was the problem here.

In that scene,
John really shines

because he actually
stayed grounded.

Q: Yeah.

But, you know,
a hosting job calls for nuance.

Mm-hmm.
And if you're looking
for nuance...

Oh, nice segue.

This is from a tutorial
for home caregivers.

Today, I will demonstrate
the proper method

for putting on an adult diaper
in the standing position.

Is that a nude man?

Murr:
Oh, no!

Talk about a trooper.

She's committed.
Yo.

Well-done,
Joey!
Sal: k*ller.

Joe: So we're just
gonna ask you,

raise your hand just clearly if
you would vote for John szeluga.

Okay.

And then, Megan rico?

Great.

Oh, three out of three.

Oh!

Three,
wiped they floor with you!

Q wins the day.
See you later.

You walked out?
It should be over,

and Joe's just
sitting in there alone.

All right.

Uh, we had...
John has not won any, ever.

You know when you have a friend

that you know that they could
do more with themselves?

Do more, you tried.
That's my John szeluga.

Like, all I really need
is you guys to switch your vote.

Oh!
Oh!

Oh, my god.

I need two of you to,
'cause it's a majority.

John just don't
wanna do it, though.

Yeah, but, Gloria,
that's because he's afraid.

This is devious.

But what is the swing
of the vote... like, what
does that achieve?

It puts him
back in the running for it.

You can't go against Megan,
I understand that.

Look,
I don't mind him.
You don't mind him?

Great! Jordan?
I mean, I guess.

Oh, all right.

I mean,
I'll raise my hand.
You're gonna go?

Oh, my god!
They switched!

Yeah? Raise your hand,
please. Yes!

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god.

And then now,
I'll get chase in here.
Hey, Joe?

Thanks, guys.

What's going on?

Joe: Can I talk to you
real quick?

Thanks, guys!

Murr:
Joe wins it!

Thank you for joining,
everybody.

We represent
a television production company,

and we're looking for

a great host
for a new television show.

Joe: Okay, for this bit,
sal came to me,

and he said, "hey,
I have an actor I wanna use."

And then Murray
came to me and said,

"hey, I have an actor
that I wanna use."

Turns out
they're one and the same.

Why don't you begin, sir?

Oh, there we go.
There we are.

Q:
Mr. Rob emmer!

Joe: Rob's been
on our show a bunch.

Robert emmer... Rob emmer.

Not a lot of people
can pull off a fedora.

Folks, uh, this Roy emmer.

Roy emmer.

Rob Roy!
Rob Roy!

They're identical twins, okay?

So the first one here is, uh,

Rob talking about
acting for an audition.

Man: What does acting mean
to you?

Acting means
you get to make people forget

about their shitty lives

and just make them
believe something.

You get to make
someone's life a little better

in those few minutes or hours
or whatever time it is.

Q:
Oh, murr.

Your boy crushed it!

Oh, my god, he's like a camel!

But yeah... Acting.

There's no context.
That seems weird.

He's auditioning for aquaman.

Wait, he was trying out
to be aquaman?

You might've heard this.

Actors have auditions,

and they show up in the room
as that character.

♪

But aquaman doesn't drink water.

He breathes it.

Oh, I know, I know.

I'm just telling you that
that was his choice in the room,

whether it was like...
'cause aquaman
doesn't drink water.

I mean, he could've came in
in a bathing suit.

It was Rob's choice.

I stand by Rob emmer's choice.

So, um...

Sal's on the ropes, man.

Wait till you see Roy!
All right, I'm going to show you

a scene that he's done
from a Canadian TV show

that he hosts
called "unresolved crimes."

Murr is not gonna be able
to keep his sh*t together.

Neither is sal, I don't think.

♪

Today, on "unsolved crimes..."

man:
Actually, "unresolved."

"Unresolved." sorry.

Today on "unresolved crimes,"
a woman, midsummer's Eve,

out for a walk with her dog.

Only the dog ever returned.

Three hikers out for a jog.

Only two returned.

A husband and wife on a cruise.

A splash was heard.

Husband was never seen again.

Joe: Look at
how close he is!

All this and more
on "unresolved crimes."

Look how confused they are!

He's got a very intense style.

Q: Sal's got
tears in his eyes.

He's the man
every man wants to be

and every girl
wants to be with, okay?

Look at her face.

Well, they're identical twins,

so that goes the same
for Robert.

Nice, sal.

I like Rob.

You like Rob?

I think,
'cause he's full of life.

I think they're both unique
in their own, you know,

real special ways.

Yes, they're both different.

And Rob is also Roy.

How many of you would vote
for Rob?

One, two.

I'll have to go with Roy.

Oh!
Oh!

My mind's already made up.

The hell, murr!

You're not getting Roy
any roles?

Roy, Roy...
Roy needs
some roles, man!

I know, Roy.
I want some roles,
murr!

Your brother got it
fair and square.

They voted.
They voted for Rob?

They voted for Rob.

Please, just...
They voted for Rob.

Oh, and by the way,

I've been Rob the whole time.

There we are!
Acting!

You see?

That was Rob?

And now you know
what Rob's capable of.
He got me!

That was my coup de grace.

Narrator: Q and murr had
the hosts with the least,

so murr is tonight's big loser.

Hey!
Hey!
Hey!

We are coming to you live
from murr's punishment,

where he's going to have to take
out a roller-derby professional.

Sal: That's right.

In every lap that he does not
take out someone,

we are going to use his computer

to send an e-mail
from his account.

And once an e-mail
has been sent,

he cannot negate it,
he cannot apologize for it.

That e-mail stands.

Are you ready, murr?

No!

Go ahead, buddy.

Get out there, pal!

Let's get a round of applause.

Let's get a round of applause at
the dirty Jersey roller derby.

Let's go. Thank you for
helping us out, ladies.

Tough team.

Oh!

These ladies are gonna
absolutely destroy him.

Uh-oh, murr.

Here they come!

One more lap, and the first
e-mail gets sent, buddy.

So I would, uh...

Check someone, murr.

I've never seen a roller derby.
What do I do? I hit them?

No, you don't throw a punch.
You just check 'em.

May I check you?

I have to ask first.

Think you can check us,
go ahead.

Q: All right,
he's got verbal consent.

Murr, what are you doing?
Just check 'em.

♪

Put your squirmy little hips
into it.

Get 'em, murr!

Uh-oh.

Oh!

Right to the penalty box, murr.

Let's send our first e-mail.

Okay, we're just gonna go
to a random person.

This person's name is Caroline.

Caroline's a former
improv student of mine.

We're gonna put,
"hey, Caroline..."

Come on.

And then, just put a picture
of you shirtless,

laying in your bed.

Come on!
Are you kidding me?

Q: Oh!

Please don't.

Please don't?
Please do.

Send!

Wow.

Sal: Check someone,
murr.

You have to take them out.

Murr, remember,
your laptop is right here.

We will send an e-mail.

I know!

And we have access
to your entire address book.

Q: Check 'em, dude!
Check 'em!

He literally cannot
get any of them.

Joe: Murr, that's the bathroom.
Murr, where are you going?

James, that's the ladies' room.

Murr, get your bearings, please.

There you go,
murr.
Here we go.

Murray's approaching
from the rear.

Here he goes!

Oh!

Get to the box, murr!

That's a failure.

Oh, come on!

You went around,
but you didn't check anyone.

Them's the rules.
There you go.

All righty, Murray.

This is e-mail that we're now
sending carsen, your assistant.

"Hey, carsen..."

And that is for a home
massage chair off of Amazon,

one for each of us, my friend.

How much
are these chairs?
They're, uh,
$1,400 each.

Yeah,
they're $1,400 each.
Murr: Come on!

Sal:
And there you go!

Sent!
Boom!

Oh, here we go again.

Who are they booing at?

You!

Me?

Let's see some fire out there!

Oh, geez.

What the hell was that?
They're showing off.

Sal: Oh,
I like this taunting.

Murr, check someone!

I can't!

Oh!

Oh!
Oh!
Oh!

Sal:
He misses.

Mockery, sheer mockery.

Oh, my.

Get to the box,
murr!
Screw the box.

Sal:
Okay, murr.

You know that you have
a professional

working relationship
with harpercollins publishing.

Yes.

We're gonna write to the person

that was in charge
of your project.

Oh, Lisa.

"Hello, Lisa.
Wondering if I can grab your ear

tomorrow at 10:00 A.M."

Oh!

And send.

Bring on the girls.
Come on, let's go.

I'm ready to check somebody.

Oh!
Oh, now look at him!
Now he's fired up.

Wow.
Now look at him!

He's fired up.

There you go, ladies.

Look out.

That is not...

You need speed, murr.

You can't win!

Murray's afraid of them
and trying to grab them.

Yes!
Look at her!

Oh!

Hell of a try that round, murr!

To the box!

So, we're gonna go
to his sent e-mails,

and then follow up on something
he's already e-mailed.

- - Come on.
- Okay, who's Todd

my lawyer for my will.

All:
Your lawyer for your will?

Perfect.

There's somebody
we wanna talk to!

Start it out on a cas.

"Yo, toddster..."

What?

Oh, come on.

And send.
Send!

Oh, and the e-mail responses,
by the way, are coming back in!

Yes!

Your assistant
has written back...

Thanks for the massage chair,
man.

There he goes.
You gotta get serious.

The next one's tough.

Oh, the crowd has turned!
They're rooting for Murray!

There he goes!
He's picking up speed.

There he goes!
Go, hit her!

Oh!
Oh!
Oh!

You almost had her!
You almost had her!
You got deep!

Go it for it, murr,
you got speed now.

Take her out!
Oh!

He's done it!

James Murray has done it!

Oh!
Congratulations!

We're proud of you.

I'm not.

Thank you for coming out,
ladies and gentlemen.

We've been
the impractical jokers.

♪

All right, here we go!

Okay, murr got hacked and
whacked in tonight's punishment.

And now you get
a behind-the-scenes look

at how it happened,

and we're gonna send you
some bonus footage

from tonight's episode.

Oh, insult to injury, huh, murr?

They're strong girls.
Yeah, yeah.

Not bad.
Lemme help you out, buddy.
Thank you, man.

Here you go.
Oh, I can't.

I can't.

Murr: We're 10 minutes from my
parents' house in staten island.

Casey:
That's right.

I've been here
for birthday parties.

Welcome to 1971.

This is amazing!

Isn't this beautiful?
This is amazing.

Sal: We grew up around here.
This used to be the place.

I love it.

Whoo!

Hate to see you go,
but I love to watch him leave.

You all right there?

What's your skating history?

30 years ago, I came to
this place to go to a skating...

A skating party.
And you
haven't gone since?

No.
Okay,
have fun.

Q: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!
There he goes.

Get to the box, murr!

That's a failure.

Sal: Okay. As you guys may
or may not know,

we have an exhibit

at our hometown
staten island museum.

We are about to write an e-mail
to the museum curator and head,

and it'll go as follows.

We have a thing between us.

Yeah.

If you leave your laptop open
when you leave the room,

anyone can do anything that
they want to that laptop.

Remember, we sent that e-mail
to your lady friend?

Did it in the writers' room,

and I went
to the "contact us" page.

Still mad.
Still mad.

That's where that comes from.

That was terrible.

Q: Murr, it's an e-mail
to your mother. It says...

No, come on.

And send.
And send.

What if some of the people
that they e-mailed

don't see this episode?

And forever,
they think that you're that?

Yeah.
I mean, they know
that you're that.

Yeah.

What goes around
comes around, literally.

We're writing to
the world-famous comedy cellar.

And we're saying...

And send.

♪

So, the final scene
I will show you...

This is a clip from
an independent amateur film.

And I think it really,
really shows off how good Roy is

and why he should be the host
of this show.

Hey.
Hi.

So, I hired you
to come clean my pool.

Joe:
Can't even look!

It must be really...
Dirty.

Well, I had a party last night,
and...

Lots of things happened.

Like...

Naughty things?

Well, I was wondering if, uh...

If I could bring you in there.

I think that's a good idea.

But it's really wet, you know?

I'm getting turned on.

But I mean, like,
we can make it more wet.

Always.

That's the purpose of a pool.

Yeah.

It... it looks like a porn.

It's not.