07x25 - Pantsing with the Stars

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up...
Why is q getting punch drunk?

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

Will it all be good
in the hood for sal?

Ohhhhhh!

And which losing joker
will get stripped down

in tonight's
unexpected punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr:
I want my mommy!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Murr: I once k*lled a bluejay
with my bare fists.

Today, we're teaming up
to present a new education

plan to a group of parents.

Except our ridiculous
presentations

have been made up
by the other guys.

At the end, we'll ask our group
whether our plan is ready to go.

The team with the fewest hands
raised loses.

That's it.
I mean, this is basic.

Hi, guys.
How are you?

Please, thank you so much
for joining us.

Alright, so, we made this
presentation for these guys,

they made ours.

Okay, how many of you
have children already?

All parents.
Perfect.

These are new movements
in youth education.

These are the revamped ideas
that we have as consultants

to the board of education.
Here we go.

We propose a new grading system

in your city public
schools, okay?

An a, you get, like,
a bright sun symbol,

which means you get an a.

A b, you get a heart.

It's still good, you know,
but not quite as good.

C, you kind of just get, like,
a moderate smile,

not like a huge grin emoji.

And then d...

If you get that d...

So you want to take
that eggplant out?

Because that emoji
with the teenage crew,

young adult crew is...

It's the vegetables?

That being said, you don't want
kids to get the d, right?

Stop.

Okay, moving on, the classroom
dissection solution.

Okay, traditional classroom
dissection...

Some animals are taken
from their natural habitats,

animals bred specifically
for dissection

are kept in cramped cages
until death.

Of course,
we want to change this.

And what we propose is
an improved classroom dissection

where teachers are offered
a five-percent pay increase

as incentive to join
a new donor list, okay?

Murr knows what's coming.

And the bodies of recently
deceased teachers

are divided into parts
and shipped to schools

throughout the district.

Sal: That blew their mind,
you see that?

One of the big problem teachers
have is they're always
underpaid, right?

We always hear
that all the time.

Why not make them first people
in the line.

"I'm mortified!"

So you give this idea
an eggplant emoji right now?

- Totally.
- This is total eggplant.

Q: Look at this guy,
he's checked out completely.

Let's move on.

Hamilton's popularity
has sparked an interest

in combining hip hop/rap culture
with historical figures.

Correct.

History teachers are now
required to write

and perform rap songs
for each new topic.

Let's bring it right into
the classroom off Broadway

'cause not everybody
can afford those tickets,

they're expensive.

He knows, he takes girls
on dates on them all the time.

For example, Mr. Dosman
recently released a song

"getting high" about the life
story of Amelia earhart.

Double entendre.

Here it is.

Will any student forget
that Amelia earhart was a pilot?

Tried to circumnavigate
the globe and crashed.

They're going to remember her.
She's a fly-a*s b*tch.

Okay, moving on.
Pen palz.

Pen palz is a new program
which hooks students up

with inmates
from all across the country.

Now we got to have them
writing to prisoners?

Come on, where are we
going with this?

So checking with al,
you're still mortified?

- Repulsed.
- Great.

Repulsed.
We've upgraded him to repulsed.

We are doing our job!

Inmates will receive
the home address

and phone number
of their pen palz

to stay in touch
after parole.
No.

Just piling it on.

We love this feedback.
We love this feedback.

That's it!
There you go.

How many of you think
this presentation is ready

to bring to the board
of education?

Anybody?

- There you go.
- One?

The guy that stayed silent!

He wasn't paying attention
the whole time!

Alright, there you go.

There he is.

So, what we're doing today is,
we're going to pitch

you initiatives
to the board of education.

Education of the future, guys.
Here we go.

You know, we have skin
in the education game.

These are my kids.

That's Joe's kids.

This is Milana.

She looks more like
her mother than me...

Thank Jesus!

But that's my son, remo,
and he's got my diesel arms.

Sal, you're up.

My children.

Those are my nieces and nephews.

I love them so much.

Their names...
- Go ahead, sal.

What are my nieces
and nephews' names?

Connor.

Devin.

Devin?

- Pete.
- Pete?

Sarah, Melissa, and Eve.

You got one out of six right.

Moving on.
The Japanese approach?

Ah, the Japanese approach.

In Japan,
lunchtime is considered

an educational period.

That's great, no reason
to stop the learning.

Students serve each other.

Real bonding... it teaches them
how to do things.

And kids also clean up
after themselves,

you know, afterwards.

So, it just teaches all that...

We cannot let the Japanese win.

That is amazing that
your daughter is half-Japanese.

I know.
The odds of that...

It's like we knew it.

Okay.

I mean, raise your hand if you
agree with that statement.

Oh, my god!

Reality drills... we are
implementing a program

to learn through
real world experience.

The vanilla clown
reality drill...

Something scary bursts
into the classroom,

and the teacher insists
that they don't see anything,

reminding children
to check their own reality.

And then, finally, we will now
demonstrate that for you.

Q: The vanilla clown
reality drill...

Something scary bursts
into the classroom,

and the teacher insists
that they don't see anything,

reminding children
to check their own reality.

We will now
demonstrate that for you.

Murr:
That's Danny green from trutv!

Guys, eyes up here,
we're learning.

Yeah, we're trying to learn
up here, guys, so...

One and one...

One and one equals two.

You guys are distracted
too easily.

If we could get them to focus...

Let's keep up
with long division.

Thanks, everybody.

Vanilla clown.

Joe:

Thank you guys so much
for listening.

By show of hands, if you feel
that we should pitch

this as it is to the system...

-Zero.

- Yeah, zero.
- That's a big goose egg.

Narrator: It's a no-brainer.

Q and sal are first up
on the loser board.

Okay, this is a little new
for "impractical jokers,"

but behind the scenes,
ever since we played that game

where we clipped
these clothes pins on people,

these two have been arguing that
they are better than each other

'cause they didn't get
to play each other.

We're going to give them
a chance today...

Joe versus sal.

Agreed, the winner takes all?

What is this... your hand?

♪

It's winner takes all.

Watch what happens.

This is where it gets real.

Here it goes.

Sal's up on.

They have whole,
but do they have the half?

No, they have the COD, too.

It's previously frozen,
the COD, though.

Murr: Joe's in.

Murr: Ahhhh, sal goes low.

Oh, they got branzino, though.

You got to know
how to cook that.

Q: Oh, oh, oh, oh.

I do like that they did a whole
playing field on this guy.

- Oh!
- Ohhhhhhh!

Sal dropped off
and Joe dropped off.

Ohh.

He got it. Get him.
Get him.

Ah!

Joe narrowly avoided
getting caught on that one.

Wow.
This is getting tight!

Ah, these live lobsters,
they look good, too.

Did you asked them
if they liked fish?

Murr:
Joe goes for the other knee!

Oh!
Ohhhh!

I don't know. I don't know
if I want to do live lobster.

Ooh.

This guy is suspicious.

Porgy's different
than all of it.

You could do a whole porgy.

- Sal!
- Oh, yeah, careful.

Murr: Oh, h*, h*!

Get him, Joe.
Get him!

It's the premium one.
You got the premium one?

Murr: Oh, this is tense.

You got...
Ooh, they got fresh catfish.

How many catfish?

Mahi!
I got mahi here.

You know what's nice
with a mahi?

If you do, like, a mango...

A mango mahi.
Or a chutney.

You could do a chutney.

Murr: This guy's body!

You could do a COD filet,
either way.

There's a lot.
- Ah!

Oh, my god!
Get him, get him, get him!

Out of my way, you puss!

But where is the COD, though?

Sal wins it!

Joe's no kingpin,
and he's up on the loser board.

Today we are at krav maga
academy at NYC,

teaching self-defense
and fitness.

Well getting our maga on,
we're going to have to do

and say what the other guys
tell us.

If you refuse anything,
you lose.

Take it easy.

Alright, boys,
I want to try something.

Yeah, okay?

Joe, you see on that little
bookshelf thing over there,

that red tape?

Just be holding that
when the guy comes in.

I don't know what you're
planning, but I like it.

You ever done krav maga before?

"Krav maga
is for intense situations."

It's for, like,
intense situations.

It goes from somebody's
messing with you on the subway

and you have to defend yourself
all the way up to, like...

"Somebody's got the queen,
and you got to do something."

It goes from, "oh, you took
my seat on the subway,"

and then all the way,
"we got to save the queen."

"Okay, so what I want you to do

is to tape up
my wrists and hands."

So, I have this tape,
and what I want you to do is,

I'm going to ask you
to tape my wrists together.

Got to get in there.
Tight?

Yeah, tight,
like you just took me.

You got to get my ankles, too.
Alright.

By the way, this has nothing
to do with krav maga.

That's perfect.
Okay, great.

"Now, I'm just going to ask you
to push me over."

Lightly shove me over.

Like gently.
Yeah, there you go.

Gently, like... good.

Okay, great.
Now you can have a seat.

Okay, Joe, escape.

- So, basically...
- Here we go.

You want to start with the legs

'cause the legs...

No, maybe start
with the hands then.

And you're going to want
to twist in opposite directions.

Oh, that just makes it tighter.

Just keep saying, "hadouken."

You just want to give
as much as you can.

Hadouken!

Did you just...
Crack a rat?

- I just cracked a rat.
- Did you just crack a rat!

I literally just sh*t a little.

He just farted
on national television!

I just hadookied.

This is tight.
You did a great job with this.

The sweat pouring off
his beak...

You look like you went down
on a snow cone.

Oh, because I could just
use my fingers to get out?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's probably right.

I can just try to peel the tape.

Yeah.

Q: Woah!
Woah, buddy!

You see what's happening,
I've slowly lubricated myself

fully with levels
of sweat and shart.

Murr: And shart!

Levels of sweat and shart!

And the queen will be safe!

There you go.

And then, I can just walk home
and keep these.

Yeah. The three s's were sweat,
shart, save the queen.

Sweat, shart, save the queen.

Can we put that on a shirt,
please?

Hadouken!

-Alright, boys,
-krav maga.

Hello.
What is your name?

Bianca.
Bianca.

Let's kind of throw
in some punches.

Plant it.
Okay, great.

You do a full-speed punch,

and then at the end go,
"aeuhhhh."

Fist up, right?
Head down a little bit.

Aeuhhh!
Like that.

With the noise?

Do you watch tennis?

You know how Serena,
every time she hits,

she's like, "ungh!"
That's what it is.

So, do what Serena does...

Ungh!
Ungh!

Ungh!
Ungh!

Aeuhhh!

Yeah, I'm not doing that.

The proper fist
is very powerful.

Okay.

"I once k*lled a bluejay
with my bare fists

'cause of krav maga."

I once punched a bluejay
out of the air...

I k*lled a bluejay once.
Aeuhhh!

Krav maga.

Alright.

"I might look
a little sluggish..."

I'm a little out of it.

I might look a little
sluggish today.

"Trust me, I'd be must faster
if I didn't have a uti."

I...

I would be a lot quicker
if I didn't have this uti.

Okay, fists up!
Fists up.

Attack that face!

Aeuhhh!
Aeuhhh!

♪

You look great.

Have your back to this guy
and just keep uttering,

"finish him."

Finish him.

Finish him.

Now change it to, "finish her."

Finish...

Finish her.

She's finished.

- Hello, sir. How are you?
- Good.

Krav maga, of course,
is the Israeli defense team's...

This is their martial arts form.

"Here's the thing, don't forget
to use your environment."

Now, also remember,
use your environment.

"Don't be afraid if things
are going south, be a b*tch.

Pick up something
and hit somebody with it."

If things are going south
and you're in a fight,

be a little b*tch.

You can grab anything around you

and use it as a weapon, okay?

Like a little b*tch would.

"This ain't
no b*tch-free zone."

This is not a b*tch-free zone.
Be a b*tch.

Q: Alright, murr, great.

Now you got to get a finger
in his mouth.

Q: Alright, murr, great.

Now you got to get a finger
in his mouth.

Oh.

Okay, so, now, let's say
someone comes...

And say, for example,
with a knife.

So, somebody comes in, right?

Keep your mouth open
like you're here,

you're just talking to friends.

That's right.

So, they come in with a knife

right to the mouth...

Do it again.

Keep your mouth open, okay, like
you're talking to your friends,

and they're coming in
with a knife.

You're talking,
you're not even looking.

Ready?
No, no, keep looking.

Okay, keep your mouth opening.
You're talking, you're talking.

Sal: Mouth open.
Mouth open.

You're talking, right, and they
come right in there in the mouth

and put a finger
right in the mouth like that.

- He got it!
- That's it.

"I'm warning you right now..."

I'm warning you right now,
by the way...

"if you continue to get
aroused by this..."

If...

"If you continue to get aroused
by this..."

I mean, that's it. The sentence
isn't even over yet.

Let me think of the whole
sentence before I...

The sentence only gets worse.

Okay, this has been
a great first lesson.

You see my belt?

Hey, guys. How are you doing?
Sal.

- Jose.
- Jose, nice to see you.

Well, we all had one student.

Sal, we gave you like 10.

So, let's go through
some scenarios

in which case you might
use krav maga, okay?

"Say you're
in the supermarket..."

You're at the supermarket,
let's say, okay?

Murr: "And a sexy guy
tries to take your phone."

And, like, a sexy guy tries
to take your phone.

"Just 'cause you're sexy doesn't
mean you can take my phone."

Just 'cause this guy's sexy
doesn't mean he can
take my phone.

"Let's say you're at a party and
some sexy guy starts trouble..."

So, let's say you're at a party,
you're hanging out,

and some, I don't know,
sexy guy starts trouble.

Let's say you have a roommate,
you know the person.

"Still sexy."

He's still sexy.

But no matter
what the situation,

combat is always last.

Count how many people there are.

So you have five of you here...

Okay, you just have to pants
one of them.

So what we'll do is...

Let's have you guys take a seat.

There's no way!

Take a seat right here,
you can move the stuff.

Sal, so to be clear,
you will not?

You sure? Okay.
That's a bad choice.

That's a bad choice because
we looked at the episode map

and you have lost
this episode, my friend.

Your punishment starts now.

Okay, so, we're going to...

We knew he'd say no,

so we planted
a little surprise for him.

I don't know if little
is the right word.

Alright, so,
this has taken a turn.

Joe: There's a white paper
behind the black frame there.

We have a surprise today.

"We're actually going to have
a little bit

of an expedition today."

We're going to have a little bit
of an expedition today.

"Between me..."

Between myself...

And someone who's
coming in right now.

That's Randy couture, okay.

How's it going?

So, in case you don't know this,

he's a three-time
ufc heavyweight champion,

three-time ufc
light heavyweight champion,

four-time greco-Roman
national champion.

I don't even need all this.

This man is a living legend.

Sal, your punishment is...

Pants Randy couture.

Joe: But, sal, just as
an added bonus,

Randy is going to be trying
to pants you the whole time.

But do not tell the class that!

The class just thinks
you're krav magaing.

So, we're going to show you
some basic takedown techniques.

I've been waiting
forever for this.

Yeah.

We have friends in common.

We had them...

Look at sal backing away
from him.

I'm a huge fan of his, so we've
been waiting for this day...

What?!

♪

This is a basic...

♪

The basic...

♪

The basic hogtie.

Alright, so, we'll do it again.

Sal, he's Randy couture,
you're more like juicy couture.

I am...

So, that was...
That was me letting him...

Letting me?
Yeah.

Sal, the punishment ends
when you pants him.

Krav maga.

♪

He's got skinny pants.

Oh, my god.
This is awesome.

Alright.

♪

Murr:
Sal, you're punishment is...

Pants Randy couture.

Are you out of breath?

I'm doing fine.

Q: I'm doing fine.

♪

That's the sexy guy.

You want to stop
taking my pants off, please?

I don't know about that.

Now?
Stop now.

You will...

Nice try.

Murr:
Oh, he almost got him, sal!

♪

Now, watch this pin move.

There it is. Alright.

Wow.
He is sexy.

All you had to do was tap out,
buddy.

That's how this ends.

All you got to do is tap.

Alright.

Q: Oh, not tapping!

♪

Joe: Yeah!

There's a little something
for you.

Q: That's how you do it.

That was awesome.

That's how you get
someone's pants off.

That's how you get
the punishment, boys.

Oh, Casey, we just punished sal.

You better get out there
and do an insider.

- Now?
- Yeah, go!

- Right now?
- We just did a punishment.

It's time for a practical
insider.

I got to break this wall
of bricks.

♪

Well, that was the
world champion right there.

I hope you enjoyed that.

So you know, I did not know
that that was going to happen.

So, surprises are just a part
of "impractical jokers."

Some people can do it
to each other at any time.

Some people knew about it,
like, you knew about this today,

but I didn't know.

This was something
that the guys,

coming into this challenge,
knew that sal

was one loss away
from losing the episode,

so they had planned
for Randy couture

to be here,
and then they just knew

they were going to give
sal something

that he couldn't do
in the challenge.

You have five of you here.

Okay, you just have to pants
one of them.

So, you just got sal right now
a surprise punishment.

When you know it's going
to be a home run,

like, you risk it by being like,

"hey, let's have this guy
come and pants sal."

Well, when he came up
with the idea

of having somebody pants,
we were like,

"there's no way that sal
will do it," so then he said,

"well, who could we get
for somebody to pants?"

And then I said, "well,
let's get Randy couture,"

and then we reached out
and it all just lined up.

So, it was really just
a full boom, beep, bop.

Murr: Randy, grab the pink ball
and just throw it at sal's head.

♪

Q: Randy was so happy
to answer our phone call.

So, you're a fan of his?

When you walked in, I was like,
"I don't believe this."

But I didn't think
they'd have us fight

'cause I was like, you know,
you're going to k*ll me.

And then, of course, they said,
try to pants each other,

which, by the way, I don't
even know if the people...

The students... knew 'cause
they said not to say nothing.

No, I don't think.

They were probably wondering
why we kept

just pulling
at each other's pants.

Can I sit by you?

Is taking off a person's pants
a part of this, like...

It's part of kraving, yeah.

It's krav 101...
Taking off the pants.

Krav 101.

Because now I'm disarmed,
I'm not going to fight him

in the street with no shorts,

I don't care how sexy he is.

Okay, that's great.

Do you guys do anything, like,
shake hands or bow or something?

That's great.
You're the best, dude.

Okay.
Thank you.