08x10 - Off the Reservation

[bunniefuu]

Narrator: Coming up,
will murr find his soulmate?

I need a person that'll
let me spiritually

and physically dominate them.

Why is Joe playing
with his food?

Stop.

And which losing joker
will be a maitre'd*ck

in tonight's punishment?

Sal:
Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

Murr: Like a boss!

Sal:
I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

Q: This is a slobber knocker!

♪♪

To hill country food pk

being interviewed
alongside strangers

for a fake documentary.

The documentary is being filmed
by our own crew,

and all we have to do is answer
the questions without laughing.

The catch is, the answers
will be given to us

by the other guys.
That's right, James.

And whoever laughs
the most loses.

So, I guess I'll just
take the loss?

Yeah. I mean, if we want
to save time, we can...

Yeah, we could go home.

So, this is our real crew
out there.

- This is Pete, our producer.
- You want to come up?

We're holding the interviews
upstairs.

This is interesting 'cause the
cameras are actually exposed,

which is not normal for us.

No.

Murr's up.

Dana, we'll start with you.

How would you define true love?

Ohh. This is easy.

You just wait, Murray.

Being in love
with your best friend.

Just that person that
you're comfortably you

at all times with, so...

And James?

How would I define
true love? Hmm.

Q:
"It's like discovering..."

It's like discovering...

"new ways to enjoy
ice cream."

new ways to enjoy ice cream.

"But not with your mouth."

But not... but not
with your mouth.

"Mmm."

Mm.

You know what I'm saying?

All: Mmm.

That's what love is
to me, just, mmm.

Dana, what's the best way
to meet new partners?

Umm, I used to think
it was the apps,

but now it's maybe
networking events.

- James?
- Oh, um, "senior centers."

Senior centers.

"Okay,
you find a hot granny."

You find a hot granny.

"And then
find her granddaughter."

And then you find
her granddaughter.

See what I'm doing there?

- Uh-huh.
- You find a hot granny.

"And then you ask
the granddaughter..."

And then you ask
the granddaughter...

"If the hot granny's
single."

if the hot granny...

You ask the hot granddaughter
if the grandmother is single.

- Are you serious?
- Next question?

How do you know when it's time
to move on from a partner?

How do I know when it's time
to move on from a partner?

- "Sirens."
- sirens.

You hear the sirens,
it's time to move on.

Sirens.

James, name three things
that you need in a relationship.

"I need a person who'll
let me spiritually..."

I need a personally that'll
let me spiritually...

"emotionally..."
emotionally...

"and physically..."
And physically...

"dominate them."
Dominate them.

"Mmm."

Mmm.

Next question?

What's one piece of advice you'd
give to a newly married couple?

Sal: "If you have a...
If you have a fight..."

Well, if you have a fight...

"no matter what..."
No matter what...

"don't ever go to bed."
Don't ever go to bed.

Joe: That's it.

All right.
Thank you both so much.

- Thank you.
- Thanks for the questionnaire.

Can I just say your answers
are much better than mine?

Clearly.

Joe: All right, q.

Calvin, what's the best way
to meet new partners?

The best way to meet
new partners?

Go to social gatherings.

Brian, what's the best way
to meet new partners?

Murr: "Well, in my day..."

Well, in my day...

"i just put on Booty shorts."

I just would put
on Booty shorts.

"And hit the area
around the javits."

And I'd hit the area
around the javits.

Yeah.

The javits
is a convention center

here in Manhattan.

If you could go on a date

with any celebrity?

If I can, I'll say
Kourtney Kardashian.

All right, Brian?

"That chick from Pearl jam."

That chick from Pearl jam.

- Eddie vedder?
- Eddie? Is that her name, Eddie?

Eddie vedder?

Amazing. I thought that
was gonna get him.

How do you know when it's time
to move in with a partner?

When you two feel like that you
can get along with each other

every single day,
then it's time to move in.

Brian?

"Make sure she washes
her a*s."

I would say...

God, I... I guess, just...
Just to make sure

she washes her a*s, you know?

Joe:
Calvin, look at his look.

Brian,
what's one piece of advice

you'd give to
a newly married couple?

"Make sure
she washes her a*s."

Uhh...

Make sure she washes her a*s,
I would say.

You know?

- Funny you say that.
- Yes.

Because women do have
a tendency when they're

with their significant other...

To stop washing their a*s?

No, that's not it.

But, I mean, just keep
the spark alive, wash that a*s.

- Q did great.
- Well done, buddy.

- Straight-faced.
- Good job, q.

Q: All right, Joey.

- Bonnie.
- Uh-huh.

What's a unique experience
you've had while out to dinner?

I really enjoy korean barbecue.

What's a unique experience
you've had while out to dinner?

"I got shot with a crossbow
during brunch."

Right away, I mean, I got
shot with a crossbow once

while I ate brunch.

That was unique.

I was at one of those
medieval time places.

He kept it straight.

"It was a falconer."

And there was a falconer.

He went off-script.

You could believe I hit up that
yelp! When I got home, though.

I hit yelp!

Bonnie, do you have any
secret cooking tips?

I like using
this Japanese fish stock.

It's called dashi.

Joe, do you have
any secret cooking tips?

"No."

No.

"Wait."

Wait, wait, actually.

Uhh...

"No."

No.

"Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait."

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uhh...

He's gonna do it.
He's gonna break.

- "No, no, no."
- No, no, no.

- "Wait, wait, wait."
- Wait, wait. Mnh.

- "Secret?"
- secret?

"Dashi." well, I didn't
know about dashi,

so I guess it was...

Wait, wait, let me think
about it, then.

Q: She's sighing.

No.

What is your favorite
food-related memory?

"There was great soppressata
at my mom's funeral."

Look at his face!

"There was great soppressata
at my mom's funeral."

♪♪

Food-related memory?

There was a great soppressata
at my mom's funeral.

Top notch there.

My dad's had a hell of a...

♪♪

He check... he checkmated you.

He checkmated you.

Okay, guys, that's it.

Well done, Joey!

- Wow.
- He's the master.

- That was super easy.
- He's a very sweaty master.

Pete: Fabrizio, you're Spanish,
correct?

I'm from Colombia.

Oh, from Colombia?
Oh, great.

"I'm Mexican."

I'm... I'm also part-Mexican.

Okay.

Fabrizio, talk to me
about breakfast.

Eggs every day and, um...

And coffee.

Sal, talk to me about breakfast.

Ooh, I love, umm...

"panda ba*ls
with almond milk."

"Panda ba*ls
with almond milk."

No, I heard you
the first time, yeah.

Umm...

It keeps going, too,
so get started.

You know what it is? I always
want to give you a good answer,

and I want to give the first
thing that comes to my head.

So, just giving it a moment
to think about it.

Panda ba*ls with almond milk.

"Oh, wait, no, I mean
lucky charms, lucky charms."

Oh, I mean, wait.

You got him!

I meant lucky charms.

What... what did I give?

Where did I get
panda ba*ls from?

What is that?

That was this year when
I went on vacation.

"I think to Colombia."

And I think... I think...

Panda ba*ls?

Yeah, I think
it might have been...

You had panda ba*ls in Colombia?

Colombia, but lucky charms

for breakfast with
the pink hearts.

"Either way, almond milk."

I...

I said enough.
No matter what it is,

it's almond milk, though.

Sal, how do you like to
eat while on vacation?

Q: "Oh, I don't really
travel much."

"'Cause my legs
were made wrong."

Murr: What?

I don't... I don't really...

I don't really travel much,

so it's hard for me to answer
that 'cause my...

'cause my legs
were made wrong, so...

Finish this sentence...

"a great server will...?"

Let you enjoy the meal calmly.

- Sal?
- Sorry?

"A great server will...?"

"Shoo away street urchin

while I'm trying
to eat my caviar."

Shhhhhh...

You got him again!

"Too many waiters care about
those disgusting little shits."

I would...
A great server, for me?

I great server would, like,
shoo away street urchin

while I'm trying to eat my
caviar or whatever like that.

Because too many, uhh...
Too many waiters care about

them little shits, you know?

Q: Look at his face!

- All right.
- That's it?

- Great.
- That was quick.

Murr: Very good, sal.

Narrator: No surprise here,
sal couldn't keep it together,

so he's first up
on the loser board.

Today, we're at food bazaar
going head-to-head,

tournament style,
throwing marshmallows

into other people's carts.

As a shopper walks down
the center aisle,

trutv's impractical jokers
will be sh**ting

tit-for-tat one aisle over.

The trutv impractical joker

that gets the most marshmallows
in the shopper's cart

while they're in
the hot zone wins.

Today's forecast?

Cloudy with a chance
of marshmallows.

And a loaf of b.

♪♪

Q: All right, boys.
The game is simple.

You just have to throw your
colored marshmallow

over the top of the aisle
into someone's cart.

Joe: Most marshmallows
in the cart wins.

Okay.

Sal does have the body type
to win this game.

Why?

Because he's most shaped
like a marshmallow.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean...

He doesn't have special
marshmallow powers.

If we were throwing baby
carrots, Murray would win.

Now we're just waiting for
somebody to come in the aisle,

and the game's afoot.

May the best marshmallow win.

Oh, someone's going in.

- Go.
- Fire.

- Nope!
- Oh, sal.

Too far, too far.
Other side of your cart, sal.

Other side of your cart.

- Oh!
- He just hit the two guys.

Sal just hit an old man
with a marshmallow!

Sal, you got a yellow
banana coming your way.

Coming around!
They're coming around!

Sal, they're coming around.

Uh-oh, sal.

Here they are!
Babe, I got 'em.

They're here.

Uh-oh. Uh-oh, Murray,
you're about to get busted.

Murr, hide!

Hello.

All right, so that's a draw.

Here we go.

You know what? Let's just
do rapid fire, free-for-all.

Just keep throwing.
Just keep going.

That's it. Fire!
Fire!

Fire! Yes!

Fire!

Start walking, Murray.

Run, sal, run!
You got it!

Fire, Murray, fire!
Fire, Murray!

Fire, fire, fire!
Fire, sal!

Fire, sal, fire!

- Yes!
- Fire, sal!

One more, quickly!

Keep going down, Murray,
all the way!

- Good job!
- Sal got the win!

- Oh, I don't know!
- Ahh.

Stop the cart and count.

- Go stop the cart and count.
- Pardon me.

Do you mind if we count
how many marshmallows
you have in your thing?

Let's see, you have...
So it looks like

you have two pink
and three white.

That's... that's me.
I won.

I won because I have white,
and he has pink.

Oh, yeah. Murray.

Okay, ready, guys?

Okay, ready, guys?
Joey has won the...

I'm sorry, I have... I just
live with a cold now.

Here we go.
And the game is on.

- Ooh!
- Go left, left, left.

- Dude.
- Q, stop, stop.

sh**t.

Oh, my god!
You got it in!

You hit her on her head

and into it.

- Q, right.
- Left, left, left, left,

left, left.
Left, stop, go, Joe, go!

- Ohh!
- He just missed it!

Oh, q, it's all you.
Left.

Stop right there.
sh**t!

Oh, you just missed it, q.

Yes, go, Joe! Go!

Joe got it in!

Joe and q right there.

Oh, you just missed it,
q, and she is out.

- Tie.
- Tie.

Here we go.

Okay, q, you have to go left, q.

Left, left.
That's it.

Stop, sh**t, q, sh**t.

Oh, you just missed.
Joe, sh**t.

- Ohh!
- He got it in!

- He got it in.
- Q, take a step left.

Left, left, left,
stop, sh**t, q.

- Ohh!
- Q it hit the rim.

Joe, fire!

Stop.

Oh, it hit the rim again!

Stay right, Joe.
Right, two steps.

She took a... she's coming
to the end of the aisle.

She's mad.
She made a right.

She's staring right at Joe
with her glasses down.

I'm throwing the marshmallows
at the box.

Oh, it got you?
Did it get in?

Oh, it got in?

- Yeah.
- That's it, Joey takes it.

I won!

It comes down to this,
gentlemen.

This is sudden death.

Okay, she's approaching.
Here she goes.

She is now in play.
Go!

This is sudden death.

Okay, she's approaching.
Here she goes.

She is now in play!

Go, Joe!

- Oh, he got it!
- Go, sal, go, right now.

Q: It's right... no.

Joe, go.

- No.
- Same shot.

Oh, he got two!

Sal, you're not even clearing...

Sal, you're not even clearing.

- Oh, oh!
- Sal got one in!

Joe, go!
Joe, go!

Oh, sal got two in!

- Tied up!
- Sal got two in!

Sal, go!
Joe got it!

Joe's up 3-2.

- Sal got in!
- Sal tied it up!

Straight 3.

A little higher, sal.
A little higher.

Sal got 4!

- Joe got 4!
- Joe got 4!

It's tied up. Sal got 5.

Sal got 5.

Sal's outta marshmallows.

Go ahead, Joey.

Oh, Joe's tied at 5.

It's 5-5.
Oh, my god.

In the history of sports,
I've never witnessed anything...

This is crazy!

Anything like this.

Go, Joey!

Joe got 6!

Joe's got the better...

Sal got it in!

Jesus, this is
a slobber knocker!

Sal, get one more in!
One more, one more!

Go right, go right,
go right, sal!

Joe wins!

Ohh! Ohh!

Never before in the history
of marshmallow competition.

We just saw sports...
Sports history being made.

That's how you do it.

Unbelievable.

Narrator:
Joe hit the sweet spot,

making sal tonight's big loser.

All right, are you ready
for something new?

Sal is our loser.

Hey, buddy. You know that
really annoying thing

when you go to a restaurant,

and the host can't find
your reservation?

Yeah, got it. So they're
not gonna have my reservation.

Sure.

There's sort of a reversal
to that.

I'm not gonna have
their reservation?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, there you go.

Let's go to delmonico's.

That is better.
That is better.

Murr: We're here at
delmonico's steakhouse,

one of the best steakhouses
in all of New York City.

Whew, okay.

So, I'm looking at this book.

There's probably about...
Rough estimate,

maybe 35 reservations
in the next... in the next hour.

There's 35 reservations.

It's a tough place to get into,
buddy.

- Ohh.
- Yeah.

I feel like the next person
who walks in

just won't have the right energy
for delmonico's.

No.
Not the right energy.

Wow, that's... that's big.

Bad energy coming in, sal.

Bad energy.

- Reservation?
- Morris.

Oh, sal, by the way,
hang up the phone.

You can't hold onto the phone
like a security blanket.

Linus, put the phone down.

I'm sorry.

It's not the right energy
for tonight.

Ohh!
Look at their faces.

Was there anything else?!

Was there anything else?

I do. I realize...
It's just not the right energy.

Ohh.

All right, allow it.

I'll allow it.

Oh, he's a champ.
I love him.

They'll lay low.

I can't believe you let me
allow it.

I liked his answer.

He was self-aware,
and he solved his own problem.

- Yeah.
- That's what we like.

By the way, how ironic.

That is the best energy.

Perfect energy, yeah!

Here we go.
Here we go.

- All right.
- Ohh, the table isn't ready.

Okay, this is...
I'm actually realizing

that I don't want
to do this at all.

- Gentlemen.
- How are you?

Hi, how are you tonight?

Perscavitch, 6:30, three.

6:30...

These are men not to be
trifled with.

- Umm.
- Hmm.

Hmm. Umm.

Apologies.

I'm not... Finding
the reservation.

Hm.

"To the delmonico's?"

To delmonico's?

- Yeah.
- To this location?

- Please...
- Yes.

-Ohh.

- Ohh!
- Ooh!

- Wow, that was tense.
- This is a rough one.

Hi, how are you?

Name?

We got something a little
planned for our friend,

sal, right now.

Oh, who's coming in, sal?

♪

Hi, how are you?

Name?

Yeah. We got something
a little planned for our friend,

sal, right now.

Oh, who's coming in, sal?

Is that Leonardo DiCaprio
and Matt Damon?

Ohh.

- Mr. DiCaprio.
- Show them right to their table.

I'm so sorry.
Mr. DiCaprio, thank you.

Mr. Damon,
thank you so much.

- Please, come on right in.
- Good to see you again.

Q: That's a face that says,

"I don't think
that's DiCaprio and Damon.

They come here often.
I'm sorry.

"Unfortunately..."

Unfortunately...

"with the arrival of
Mr. Damon and Mr. DiCaprio..."

Ohh.

Unfortunately,
the arrival of Mr. Damon

and Mr. DiCaprio
made it so that...

"Usurped your reservation."

- Usurped?
- Usurped your reservation.

- They... they... they...
- "they deserve."

Use the word "deserve."

They... they deserve...
They have a... they have a...

They're seated now,
so what we can do is...

"I have a 9:30."
That's two hours from now.

I do have a 9:30.

We had reservation for 7:00.

7:00.

- Yeah.
- Sure.

- Ohh!
- Uh-huh.

They're requesting to
speak with a manager.

This is brutal.
This is brutal.

Can you just speak with them?

We had a... DiCaprio.
There's a DiCaprio situation.

- Oh, sal!
- Sal! Ooh.

Ooh!

Ohh, that was...

He's gonna go hide
in the coat check.

Ohh!

This is... this is...
This is a good one.

Ooh.

We're about to hit prime
delmonico's dinner time.

Oh, and the timing is just gonna
be, oh, unfortunate for sal.

- Hi, guys, reservation?
- Yes.

Yes. Cutler.

- Sal, let's get a crowd formed.
- All right.

Make people all wait
for their tables now.

No problem. Can you just wait
right over by the coat check?

I'll have someone seat you
in a moment.

- Sure.
- Hey, guys. How you doing?

Reservation for 7:30.

Sure.

Can you give me one moment?
Just sit right there,

and I'll have someone
come over and...

- Okay.
- Yes, thank you.

There's a wall of people
in front of me.

Hey, what's up?
How you doing?

- Good.
- Great, sal.

Whoever gives you the most money
gets to sit first.

"Does anyone have any friends,

maybe Andrew Jackson
or Benjamin Franklin?"

I like that.
That's subtle.

Guys, it'll just be a...
Just a moment.

We're just a little full.

We're moving along
as quickly as we can.

Is anyone eating with
Andrew Jackson, perchance?

♪♪

Sal, if somebody gives you
a $20, it's over, pal.

Andrew Jackson? Anyone eating
with Andrew Jackson?

Oh, my god, oh, my god.

The ladies are pooling together
their money right now.

Oh, my god, please, please.

Joe: Here she comes.
Here she comes.

I'm sorry, we had reservations,

and what... what were you...

What did you say
about Andrew Jackson?

Oh, yeah, if you were
with Andrew Jackson,

I could seat you right away.

You mean Andrew Jackson,
the president that's deceased?

- Yes.
- That's on the $20 Bill?

- Correct.
- So I can be seated immediately?

That's correct.

And that's protocol?

Well, here at delmonico's,

we believe in
free market enterprise.

- Yes!
- Ohh!

I don't believe it!

- Jackson!
- Wow!

- Yeah!
- Sal survived another one.

- Oh, my god.
- Great job, buddy.

Pete mcpartland's here.
He's got some intel.

Turns out, there is footage of
the fried chicken bone incident.

- Ohh.
- Ohh!

Sal: Who put the
bone back in there?

Thus destroying it
for everybody else.

Q: Nobody's... nobody's
fessin' up to that.

Nobody did it?

All right.

I have not been able
to sleep since...

Since I saw that chicken bone.

And knowing that one of
my friends on this crew

has betrayed me.

- This is exciting.
- Oh, my god.

When do we get to find out?

This tease.
This tease.

Oh, my god.
Ugh.

Who could it be?

Like, if there were two
envelopes in front of me,

and one of them said
the identity of Jack the ripper,

and one of them was the identity

of the chicken bone bandit,
I would...

I would get
the chicken bone bandit.

The chicken bone bandit
is my guy.

I can't think
of anything else now.

♪♪